Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Florida Atlantic

Now THAT'S how you have a 59-10 blowout with a little bit of character. You let Scrub University come out and take a lead, you look a little skittish, and the unseasoned Badger fans out there start to kinda sorta worry. 'OH MY GOD IS THIS A JOKE?'

I can guarantee wherever you were watching, at least 3 people actually thought that. They actually thought we might be in trouble. Like we were actually going to get handled by Utah State at Camp Randall on opening night.

The veterans amongst us know the only thing to do when the game is not going the way it should is to head to the bar and order a round of #RallyYamos. This is a patent-pending procedure that guarantees success. I'm not sure what special power Jameson has, but it is scientifically and empirically proven to take a bad situation and flip it upside down right on its stupid ear.

What happened after the #RallyYamos came out last Friday?

#HornDawg started slangin', Taylor announced his arrival on the scene, and this game became the soon-to-be forgotten blowout we all anticipated. Fun stuff.

PS - Does there really exist some kind of scenario where Wisconsin doesn't win here?

Utah State is down 49 points with 5 seconds left and somehow our win probability is not 100%. At what point do the damn statistical models just shut it down and acknowledge IT AIN'T HAPPENING, EVER. Unless Utah State possessed the ability to bend the laws of physics in our known universe, it is utterly impossible for them to win. And even if they could alter time and space, they still ain't crossing that goal line again. Figure it out, nerds.




Ralph de la Vega, COO of Cingular Wireless. I don't know how old I was when this whole Cingular/AT&T thing happened, but I remember being ENDLESSLY confused. Just a happy suburban Cingular kid, elbow deep in some Motorola Snake gaming and monotone ringers. And then BAM I'm an AT&T loser. I miss the simple life of Cingular living.

Patricia McKay, Executive VP and CFO of Office Depot. Is Office Depot still a thing? Amazon hasn't Borders'd them yet? What is it like being an important executive at a company that has ZERO chance of surviving the Amazon Apocalypse? I can't spell 'apocalypse' for the LIFE of me.

Daniel B. O'Connor, mobile advertising innovator and creator of first mobile advertising system in the world. So Danny O'Connor here is responsible for turning the mobile web into THIS?

On behalf of the entire world, get stuffed Danny O'Connor.

Maynard Webb, Member of the Board of Directors of, and former Chief Operating Officer, and President of Technologies for eBay. I'm just including Maynard here because they seem like the type of person that has a resume so disgusting that my eyes would start stinging if I looked at it for more than 2 seconds. Bring back the eclipse glasses just to gaze at Maynard's many impressive accomplishments.

PS - went with a gender-neutral 'they' since I'm not entirely sure what a Maynard is.

Mary Carey, pornographic actress. *turns WiFi off on phone so search history is not tied back to company internet* oh so she's somehow tied back to Celebrity Rehab, which I know literally nothing about but will pretend to anyway. I'm sure FAU is thrilled about her inclusion on any list of notable people associated with their university.

Chris Carrabba, singer-songwriter for Dashboard Confessional. That whiny bitch when to FAU? Good for him.

Carrot Top, prop comedian. Oh! The guy from Chairman of the Board! I remember that movie!

Lycia Naff, Actress who portrayed the three-breasted mutant prostitute in the original movie Total Recall. "Here lies Lycia Naff, daughter of Miranda and Steven Naff, caring mother, sister, and the three-breasted mutant from Total Recall" It's really unfair knowing my tombstone will never approach the galaxy that one's resting in.

Charles Ghigna, Poet and children's author known as "Father Goose". 

Okay if this guy wants to go around calling himself Father Goose then who am I to dispute that, he looks exactly what Father Goose SHOULD look like.

Theresa LePore, Former supervisor of elections for Palm Beach County, Florida, most notable for her role in the 2000 presidential election controversy. It makes NO sense that these random local election officials get to make up the ballots however they want. Do you remember the butterfly ballot nonsense?

I'm not gonna lie: it's very easy to see how that got messed up. If you saw the amount of time we spent showing my grandma how to play Blackjack on her knockoff old person iPad, you'd 1000% get why all the retirees were pissing Gore votes down the Buchanan drain. And I guess we get to thank FAU's proud alum Theresa LePore for the Bush years. Go Owls!

PS - If you've never seen Recount, you should fix that. 


It's been a regular in my rotation the last several months, and for good reason.


1. Ohio State, 1-0 (1-0). I mean, they weren't the most impressive team in week 1, but they're so damn loaded with talent that they have to start out up top here.

2. Penn State, 1-0 (0-0). Impressive victory for the defending B1G champs and yes we all know this program deserved to suffer in mediocrity much longer than it did.

3. Wisconsin, 1-0 (0-0). I think we all forgot how nice it can be to have Paul Chryst working with one of his QBs for a couple years. Hornibrook looked sharp and the the receiving corp did him no favors early on with the drops. Foomz looks poised for a monster year catching those lefty hotpieces.

4. Michigan, 1-0 (0-0). Hopefully Florida is just REMARKABLY overrated and Michigan still sucks!

5. Maryland, 1-0 (0-0). Arguably the most impressive week 1 victory was Maryland taking down Texas in a shootout. Yes, Maryland looked a little dangerous, but the important thing is a powerhouse elite blue chip program like Texas continuing to SUCK. CFB balance of power is a precarious thing.

6. Michigan State, 1-0, (0-0). I'm sitting here watching the U.S. Open and it's really amazing that tennis players and golfers have gotten away with this whole 'NO MAKING NOISE OR CHEERING WHILE WE PLAY SPORTS' thing. I don't think it's a coincidence that they're UPPITY RICHY RICH ANGLO-SAXON HOB NOBBING 1% activities. Country club elitists probably started demanding do-overs when one of the serving boys tripped during a point, and from then on there was NO NOISE AT ALL allowed during golf and tennis activity time.

To take it even further, it's ludicrous that the individual sports require silence, but the team sports where you, ya know, have to communicate with other people can have 80k people screaming obscenities about your mother as you try and hit a 100mph baseball or call out an audible to a guy 15 yards away from you.

This must be stopped. We must stop catering to the gentle needs of the DELICATE (athletic) GENIUSES. If you want to yell EAT A DICK FEDERER during his serve, you should be allowed to. Want to tell Michelle Wie she's trash while she's in the middle of her backswing? GET HER.

PS - The announcer just pointed out that a player asked the crowd not to be disrespectful and cheer between serves. Tennis: FEEL THE FUN

7. Iowa, 1-0, (0-0). I have nothing to say about Iowa, and perhaps that is all that needs to be said.

8. Northwestern, 1-0, (0-0). I go back and forth about a Northwestern coaching gig: on one hand, your expectations are NEVER going to be sky high and get a bunch of smart kids to work with. On the other hand, you get a bunch of nerds to try and bang against the public school blue collar kids and EVANSTON is your college town.

9. Nebraska, 1-0, (0-0). Oh how the formerly mighty have fallen.

10. Minnesota, 1-0, (0-0). Nope, not this year. This is not the year.

11. Indiana, 0-1 (0-1). My girlfriend and I tried using a spray bottle to spray my dog when she's misbehaving. The problem is that the first time we used it (drunk), we forgot to turn it from mist to stream. So as my dog is barking and jumping around, we go to angrily spray her... and a gentle mist comes out. She closes her eyes and smiles a bit and leans into it. A nice refreshing mist on a warm late summer evening.

Did not have the intended effect.

12. Rutgers, 0-1 (0-0). Hey! Lookit you guys playing football like you know what you're doing! Way to not be a complete and total embarrassment!

13. Purdue, 0-1 (0-0). Maybe I'm not giving Purdue enough respect after hanging tough with Louisville. Maybe by having them 13th instead of 14th, I'm giving them TOO MUCH respect.

14. Illinois, 1-0 (0-0). This program stinks and no amount of NFL reject coaches is going to change that. 


The frosh looked studly

I am hereby demanding



Live news shenanigans AND fart humor? PERFECT.

I kinda started crying I loved this so much. And then someone posted a version with other dogs reacting to it:



ALL THE DUCK at Sun Wah in Chicago. This place is always crazy packed and you have to order the duck in advance... unless you go at like 3 pm on a Sunday and CHOW DOWN. They literally bring an entire duck to your table, carve it up for little duck 'sandwiches', and then take the rest back to make some duck soup and duck fried rice. Allow me to tell you this right now as a fact: duck fried rice > all the other fried rices. That shit was ELECTRIC.


The view from Up & Up at the Robey is pretty choice. It's a little pricey up there, but worth a trip on a weeknight when they're not slammed to have a few drinks and get a damn good skyline angle. Bonus points for Milwaukee Ave and the Blue Line providing some cool angles right at the center of the Loop.


There's no reason this one doesn't go to sillytown early and often. Let's enjoy it while the weather is still nice. If you're in Chicago, don't miss out on Musky Fest at Will's. The baked goods bribes will be delicious and plentiful. THE PICK:





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