Friday, December 30, 2011

Badger Preview: Rose Bowl - #5 Oregon

There is a LOT of uncertainty surrounding UW football right now.  Probably not the best time for it, either, with the Rose Bowl only days away.  But with offensive guru Paul Chryst taking the Pitt head coaching job (and taking offensive line coach Bob Bostad with him), Bielema is dealing an increased amount of distractions at a time when his team needs to be focused on one, and ONLY one thing: Beating Oregon.

Some task that will be.  The Ducks are one of only 3 teams to score more than UW has this season, and their only losses have come against the #1 team in the nation (LSU), and a team that might be in a BCS bowl if it weren't for their bowl ban (USC).  Yikes.  As if the coaching changes and top-notch opponent aren't enough, the Badgers are still trying to shake the demons from last year's Rose Bowl debacle.

In other words, there are a lot of factors at play here.  Hopefully Bielema can sort it all out and have the guys ready to go on January 2nd.  Which still sounds weird.

CHICAGO BADGERS: No clue what you guys are gonna do.  I don't mind passing along potential plans if you come up with something, but I'm going back to Pasadena.  Gotta get my tan on.





I very much like that their mascot is Donald Duck.  BUT I'M CONFUSED, because Wikipedia is really throwing curveballs out there these days:

They really couldn't figure out a better way to ask for donations than putting Jimmy Wales' face DIRECTLY ABOVE the name of the article you're reading?  HOWEVER, as a lover of unintentional comedy, I secretly enjoy this.

Fine, just take my $20, Jimmy.  You sly bastard.

Oh yeah, Oregon.  I'm sticking with their mascot, because this video makes me geek out every time.  It is IMPOSSIBLE to know when mascots are play-fighting or real-fighting.  It would be the exact same thing for humans if we always had those silly looks on our faces.  So when The Duck started elbow dropping Shasta (no joke, the Houston Cougar mascot is named Shasta), everyone had to make a split-second decision about whether or not a real fight was brewin'.  Apparently, The Duck was pissed that Shasta was doing pushups after a Houston score, since that's apparently Ducky's move.  Are you thinking what I'm thinking?  BUCKY VS. DUCKY.

PS - I'm literally crying at my desk right now: Please watch this.  Absolutely perfect.

PPS - I always like the browse the list of famous and notable alumni when I do this section.  One name really jumped out at me this time around:

The Rock is one of the top 5 movies of all-time, and it was DEDICATED to Don Simpson.  Needless to say, Oregon is way ahead in the karma department.  Damnit.


Can anyone stop these offenses?

Unlikely.  There's no point in naming specific position battles, since this game really just boils down to which defense can stay off the field as long as possible.  Both teams love to run the ball, and both teams boast super-efficient quarterbacks.  In a vacuum, I'd definitely take Black Jesus over Darron Thomas, but don't be fooled into thinking that the QB advantage is huge in favor of the Badgers.

Clearly, though, everyone is looking at the running backs in this game.  We all know about the MBS and his 10,000 touchdowns, but Oregon has a prettay, pretttayyy good running back themselves in LaMichael James.  Dude's tough as nails:

God that's amazing.  Especially when there's a girl in the back (a cheerleader I guess) duckfacing, and a little kid in the way back who looks so bored that he might actually fall asleep.  Maybe it's just be, but I find the prospect of being decapitated by Chris Borland to be much more terrifying than Space Mountain:

That was one of those hits where the people who saw it live in the stadium let out a big 'ohhhhhhhhhh!', and then they showed the replay and the ENTIRE stadium was all 'OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!'  So yeah, pretty cool.

Which UW special teams show up?

Having a bad special teams unit might be the most frustrating thing in sports.  Seriously, you can't punt without blowing the game?  People don't punt in video games because it's stupidly boring and easy.  Why do we have to give up touchdowns when trying to GIVE the ball to the other team?  If that idiot on MSU didn't blatantly run into Nortman, there's a damn good chance that I'm not writing this preview right now.  MSU's punt returner brought the ball all the way back to like the 2 yard line.  That shit is INEXCUSABLE and will lose a close game - like, say, the Rose Bowl.

But allow me to topsy-turvey it for a second - if the game comes down to hitting a big field goal, I LOVE UW's chances.  Oregon's kicker is only 6/11 on the year, and his longest field goal was just 40 yards.  I've just safely assumed that they play like I would in Madden, never kicking field goals or punting and always going for it.  I'm not sure this makes total sense, and I'm pretty sure I'm contradicting what I wrote in the previous paragraph, but I think a close game favors Wisconsin.


Phantom Planet - California

I still hate The OC for semi-ruining this song for me.  You see, I was kinda like the first hipster and enjoyed this song BEFORE it became trendy in every VW Jetta in America.  It's also my quasi-Rose Bowl Anthem.  Whatever the fuck that means.

PS - They censor the word 'gun' in the music video?  Really?  REALLY?  Why?  #blamevevo

311 - Down

Fall in love with your teachers on the wax we are self-made
Check the technique, 311 in L.A.

I really don't know what that means yet (I've listened to this song approximately 1,000 times in my life), but I love it.  And you can all but guarantee I'll replace '311' with 'Badgers' in an upcoming tweet.  Also, the raprocking going on in this video is insane.

OutKast - Roses

 Because why not.

2Pac - California Love

What's the verdict?  Is it 2pac or 2Pac?  Help a white guy out.

Notorious B.I.G. - Going Back to Cali

I was all ready to tweet this after the B1G Championship, but a certain Badger wide receiver who wears #1 beat me to the punch.  I'm holding a grudge until he catches a touchdown in Pasadena on Monday.

Everclear - Santa Monica

Santa Monica is easily my favorite part of Los Angeles, assuming it technically counts as a part of LA.


Badgers in L.A.

You know what they say out here?

Second time's the charm.


We've been going to the same Xmas Even dinner since I can remember, and the food is always great.  This year was no different.  You're looking at a steak that was smoked, sliced and seared, baked potato, Yorkshire Pudding (a new delicacy for me), and hands-down my favorite salad.  It helps that my ideal salad really doesn't have much else other than lettuce and croutons.  Anyway, the food was delicious.  Not pictured here was homemade bread and baked asiago/parmesan cheese.  Mmmm.

Admittedly, though, my favorite part is doing work on the scotch and toffee after dinner.  If part of getting old is that you can just sit around enjoying scotch and toffee, then I think we've officially found the first thing I'm really excited about when it comes to getting old.  SCOTCH SCOTCH SCOTCH.

Grilled pound cake with ice cream and hot fudge.  That's a dessert I can get behind.  Not typically a big dessert guy, but I devoured this sucker in 3 bites.

I almost forgot about lunch that day, which was an a perfectly grilled (by ME) Italian sausage.  Caramelized onions courtesy of Chef Chase, AKA my little brother.


Took this one on the drive back to Chicago.  Pretty cool what kind of picture you can get while doing 75 on the highway and shooting through a car window.  Nice job, iPhone.

PS - Camera+ with clarity and vibrant can make any picture 10x better.  That's a must-own app if you have an iPhone and enjoy taking pictures.


I just really, really like this picture of my brother's dog.  That is all.


Because who doesn't love a good list?


1. Foster The People - Pumped Up Kicks.  I'm pretty sure this song won the year.  Despite all the controversy about what the lyrics mean.  It's also the #1 reason I wish I could whistle.  Someone teach me.
2. Mumford & Sons - White Blank Page.  If we're just being totally honest, this is hands-down my best singing in the shower song.  I think I nail it.  Oh yeah, if you don't have speakers of some kind in your bathroom to listen to music while you shower, you're doing it wrong.  Showering will never be the same again.
3. Florence + The Machine - What The Water Gave Me.  Hot track.
4. Katy Perry - Last Friday Night.  Allllllll about the sax solo.  I'm not sure if it's better than this guy working the sax, but it's very close.
5. Third Eye Blind - Misfits.  Quickly became my go-to 3eb song of the year, and that's a huge honor.


1. Bin Laden's assassination.  If you ever get a chance to watch the 2 hour special about this (usually runs on the History Channel), make sure you do.  Really fascinating stuff.  As if breaking into a compound to capture one of the most dangerous men alive wasn't enough, one of their helicopters got messed up, requiring them to blow it the fuck up to prevent the terrorists from gathering intelligence.
2. The Packers winning the Super Bowl.  Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
3. The entire Middle East saying, 'You know what? Maybe it's time to do something about this...'
4. Amanda Knox being acquitted.  SHE BACK ON THE MARKET.
5. Kim Jong Il dies.  Not to celebrate death or anything like that, but F that guy.  I hope he was extremely ronery when he died.  Brainwashing an entire nation and convincing them to worship you while you starve them to death is much more Hollywood plot line to a Nic Cage movie than actual real-life occurrence.  At least things should be better with his son in charge:


1. Every child molestation/rape story.
2-5. See #1.


1. Wilson to Duckworth on 4th and 6 in the B1G Championship Game.  That felt good in ways I can't even explain.  AND Gus Johnson was on the call.
2. Black Jesus runs 46 yards for a touchdown against UNLV.  If you weren't sure how good he was gonna be before the season started, this play answered all of your questions.  The first 'wow' moment of the year.
3. MBS throws a touchdown pass to Black Jesus.  That was just so AWESOME.
4. There's no way I can pick a single MBS touchdown, so just watch all of them.  Admittedly, I was a big fan of the high stepper against UNLV.  Never seen that kinda movement from him before.
5. This entire video, because we wouldn't be having this discussion without it.

3 actual plays and two cop-outs.  MAILING IT IN.


No reverse jinxes this time around - that only works once, and I had to play that card just to make sure we GOT to Pasadena.

I've been waffling a lot about this game.  Which defense will get more stops?  When will a big special teams play swing the momentum of the game?  Who will have more fans?  Will Operation Jump Around work?  ALL VITAL QUESTIONS.

There's one other variable at play here: Oregon's performance in big games with more than a week of prep time.  Apparently they're just terrible when they have a lot of time to get ready for a big game.  The Rose Bowl 2 years ago against OSU, the National Championship last year, LSU this year... 0-3 despite adequate time to prepare.  Odd statistical aberration, or eye-opening trend?  I'm starting to think it just might be a reflection of the coaching staff, since when something goes bad you should always blame the coaches.  ADVANTAGE: UW.

I guess what I'm really hoping for is a game where our offense is schemed like the pre-2010 Badgers: Ball control, ball control, ball control.  There's no doubt that we could throw it on Oregon and score just as fast as we did against all the other mediocre defense we've seen and abused this year.  But if we're going to beat Oregon, then Chryst needs to channel his old self and pound the rock.  Chip away.  Keep that explosive Duck offense in a place where they can't hurt us: the bench.  This is my dream.  This is my hope.  This is my pick:



Thursday, December 22, 2011

Badger Preview: Pre-Rose Bowl Mailbag Part 2!

Part 2 for your holiday enjoyment.  Rose Bowl Preview next week.

 Matt B:
Will James White bounce back into form once he's out of Ball's shadow?

Matt actually asked like 5 solid, football-related questions.  But I like looking ahead, and if we're gonna do that, this is the most important question.

The short answer is that it probably really doesn't matter that much.  Between White, Melvin Gordon, Jeff Lewis, and incoming freshman Vonte Jackson, at LEAST one of them will step up and be a beast.  This is a fact, and I will not hear otherwise.  So if you're asking because you're concerned about the running game in a post-MBS world, well, don't worry.

But the James White 'regression' really is confusing, isn't it?  Totally didn't see it coming.  Up until the Iowa game last year, it was pretty close betwixt White and Clay for the title of Best Badger Back.  White was shifty a la Calhoun, had some nice burst, and appeared to have decent hands out of the backfield.  In other words, he's the ideal complementary back for UW's standard power running game.  I loved him.  Hell, the student section even organized a White Out for the biggest game of the year last year (you know, the one where we beat #1 Ohio State even though they were cheating their faces off).  So to see him shuffling around at the line of scrimmage this year is really strange.

White watched Ball reinvent himself in the offseason and turn into one of the premiere backs in college football.  I, for one, would not be remotely surprised if James does that very same thing this year.  Write him off at your own risk.

PS - Totally unrelated, but I just got this in an email at work:


My reaction was pretty much exactly like this.


Would you rather spend time on the island from LOST or East Lasorna?

Wow.  First off, meat no nothin' for calling it 'East Lasorna', as anyone with half a brain and an unhealthy Jurassic Park obsession knows that it's 'Isla Sorna'.  With that out of the way, this is arguably the most difficult question in the world.  But if we're simply talking about spending time, it's gotta be Isla Sorna.  I don't know what I'd do if I actually saw a fucking DINOSAUR, but I'm guessing it would be a pretty special moment.  And if I'm on the Island, who else is there?  Am I there during the time traveling part with the purple flashes?  Do I get to go in the Hatch?  What if Smokey just ticka-ticka'd me right away?  Am I with THE OTHERS?  Because I totally wouldn't mind making a pass at Juliet.

Wait, I can ask similar questions for Isla Sorna: Am I there BEFORE Nedry fucks everyone over?  For both islands, do I get all the knowledge I have right now?  Because that could make a big difference.  No way I'm letting the T-Rex get me.  My head is starting to hurt going over scenarios.

Follow up, which island do you survive longer on and for how long?

Man, LOST makes this real tough to figure out.  The people in Jurassic Park probably don't live much longer if they can't radio for a chopper, so it's tough to tell how long they'd survive.  You gotta think soon enough they'd be eaten, though.  From a purely survival point of view, I'm going with the Island.  If I know what I know now, I really think I could eventually be the new Jacob/Jack/Hurley, which would be a great job.  Just watchin' over the Island, bringing humans there to play my games, haunting people with dead relatives... all that great stuff.  And assuming I eventually take over that role, couldn't I reign over the Island for hundreds of years?  That's where LOST has an inherent advantage here... time isn't totally normal, people aren't just people.


What do guys really want for Xmas (or Hanukkah)?


I have two Ducks/Duckworth related ideas that need to be vetted:

1. Sconnies are known for their crazy hunting prowess/obsession/ abundance of blaze orange & camo clothing. We are playing the Ducks. Isn't this is a perfect opportunity to take advantage of that? Chances are we'll be wearing white again and we stink in white.(I'm not positive but guessing we're the away team) Wouldn't it be an amazing coup to have Sconnie Nation decked out in blaze orange camo (Troy take note, $$) at the Rose Bowl opposite Phil Knight's minions? I know it would be tough to convince the older alumni but I feel like this could gain some serious traction in the student section. Am I crazy? Talk me down and tell me this is not a good idea.

ALLOW ME TO VET.  The scary part is I actually kinda like this idea.  It would stand out so well both in person and on TV.  But it doesn't matter how awesome we think it is, because it just won't happen.  As you correctly pointed out, the alumni will never go for it.  Crotchety (I think I use that word every week, big fan) old people fear change and thrive on tradition.  Fucking TRADITION.  It kills new, fun ideas left and right.

Would the students go for it?  Possibly.  I like that you kinda pitched this to me and Troy, since right now I totally think that Sconnie should sell a blaze orange 'SCONNIE' shirt.  It'd be a hot seller.  But as far as this happening in Pasadena?  Unlikely.
2. This kind of conflicts with the first point, but lets say the first one comes up short. Would it be appropriate to start a quack, Quack, QUACK chant, a la Mighty Ducks, if Duckworth makes another big play? Would people look at it as mocking Oregon and celebrating Duckworth at the same time or would it be looked at as ignorant in the face of Oregon's nickname? Also, are you aware if Oregon does this already?

I'm all for the Mighty Ducks references:

Mighty Ducks is one of the most timeless, amazing movies ever.  Anytime we have a Badger that lets us reference that cinematic masterpiece, we are morally OBLIGATED to do so.  Since Duckworth was mostly an unknown to John Q. Badgerfan, there was no such cheer for him in Indy.  Also, that was the most amazing fucking play I've seen in person in a long time, and I think everyone was just a little too shocked to process what just happened.  Pretty sure I didn't clap or anything, just kinda stood there.  May or may not have been drunk, so that could be part of it.  I was also busy bonding with my new best friend.

STORY TIME: I spent the first half sitting with my friends, but at halftime I moved up a few rows to say 'hi' to some people.  I then quickly realized that I had to stay up there to see if I could potentially swing the mojo in our favor.  Yada yada yada, some guy next to me became my default high-fiver after every good play.  By the end of the game he gave me his card and told me to hit him up in Pasadena.  I told him I was flattered, but I don't swing that way.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.*

Anyway, I think Duckworth will have all of Camp Randall chanting 'QUACK! QUACK! QUACK!' next year, but getting the Badger faithful in Pasadena to catch on will be a tall order.  Not enough students, too many old people sitting on their hands complaining about the drunk guy in front of them standing up.  BUT IT WASN'T MY FAULT, THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME WERE STANDING AS WELL.  Confirmed by my more sober friends.  I felt vindicated when they told me I was in the right.

*OK, he gave me his card, but I clearly didn't say that.  Proof:

PS - I would die if anyone here knew this guy.  Not blurring his name out just in case.


Lets hear it: your dream date with Black Jesus. ABC's The Bachelor style- you get the WHOLE day. (And it better be awesome, because I took a three minute break from studying for finals to think of a question and write this email.)

Ready?  Because I'm pretty sure this isn't what you expected.  I don't think it would be that fun to hang out with Black Jesus.  I think he's a little too nice, straight-edged, and conservative to hang out with an idiot like me.  I'd probably just want to go to Camp Randall and have him throw me passes until I passed out from exhaustion, mainly because I LOVE running around on giant, well-manicured fields.  I also find the idea of being in a stadium by myself to be exceedingly awesome.  Yes, I've daydreamt about running around the Kohl Center by myself, just shooting around for hours.  I guess the closest I came to that was when I got to do the 'layup/free throw/half courter for season tickets' game during halftime of the Indiana/UW viewing party thing.  I don't wanna talk about that anymore, though, because I still regret my half courter performance.  SHAKY KNEES.

PS - Huge leap of faith to assume I have any idea how the Bachelor works.  I was under the impression that the guy just picks the girl with the best 'Putting Out : STD' ratio.  I'm also continually stunned to hear that these relationships never last.  If true love isn't boning some random hooker after going sandboarding and dune buggying on a quasi-reality TV show, then I just don't know what is.

PPS - How many of you true Bachelor fans remember the episode I'm talking about?  I'm not gonna say it was a fantastic hour of television, but it pretty much was.  Ashleigh sucked so much, and everyone knew that there was no way that he would pick a girl that spelled her name that ridiculously.  I was perfectly content with Vienna being chosen in the finale.

PPPS - What percentage of failed Bachelor contestants end up in porn?  70%?  85%?


What is your opinion on blacking out for major games (Super Bowl, Rose Bowl)? You've spent all this money going to this awesome game, and then a 20$ bottle of Minze makes you forget the whole thing

I don't even know anymore.  I keep finding myself being disappointed in getting too drunk for sporting events, but then quickly rationalizing it by saying that you can do it while you're still somewhat young, since you have years and years of more sober viewing down the road.  That's logical, right?  Right.

I (obviously) went to the Rose Bowl last year.  I was part of a group that rented some party bus to take us from LA to the Rose Bowl, where we set up shop in the parking lot.  Countless games of flip cup and a few random shots later, and it was blackout city.  I know I made it into the stadium a good 40 minutes before kickoff, but I truthfully do not remember a single play from the game.  Now, since I've been told that we lost the game, that's actually not too much of a bad thing.  But I'm starting to think that there's a better level of drunkenness to attain for a sporting event.

I'm firmly confident in saying that I was PERFECTLY drunk for the B1G Championship Game in Indy earlier this month.  Loose enough to have a good time and yell a little, sober enough to remember the game in detailed fashion.  I've since decided that this is probably the ideal level of drunkenness - ESPECIALLY for a game that requires lots of time and money to travel to.

So if you see me drinking before the Rose Bowl, please do not encourage me to start ripping Rumplemintz.  I'm too weak to say 'no', and I really would like to remember at least a few plays of the game this year.

This plan will go to shit so fast once I'm in Pasadena.  Ugh.

- How jealous were you that at 3:30am in Indy, I was content after my Jimmy John's and you were threatened with a Taser?  #PoliceBrutality

Well, considering I'd rather get tazed than eat Jimmy John's, I wasn't that jealous.  I'm not gonna address my disgust with JJ's, since I've done that before here.  Instead I'd like to focus on your hashtag usage outside of Twitter.

I've seen a lot of people say stuff like, 'If you're hashtagging on Facebook, you're an idiot.'  That's ridiculous.  I LOVE hashtaggin', and do it very frequently in my tweets.  I've also begun incorporating it into gchat and text messages.  I'm about to hashtag the shit out of this mailbag.  #justwentthere.  What's so wrong with that?  It's just a matter of time until a guy proposes via hashtag, or the Pope gives a speech with hashtags, or an NCAA coach molests a child via hashtag.

The way I see it, I'd much rather be at the forefront of a trend than trying to play catchup.  But once the hipsters get a hold of hashtags, I'm the fuck outta there.  Hipsters just ruin everything.  I think Big Star is the only thing that hipsters love that I embrace.  They will never alter my love for $3 whiskey, queso fundido, and sonoran hot dogs.  Mmmmmmmmmm.
PS - I just decided to start using hashtags in conversation.  Example:

This is some of the best ranch I've EVER had.  HASHTAG REALTALK.

Every word, including hashtag, is spoken there.  This should catch on immediately.

1. Do you think the gross oversight of Montee Ball for running back of the year was simply that, an oversight? Or some type of SEC conspiracy? What's your theory?

I was all ready to claim conspiracy until I saw that Montee didn't even do well in the Midwest, which is just ridiculous.  By now, I've pretty much gotten over the Heisman thing.  It's tough to argue against RGIII's fantastic season, and is the difference between 2nd and 4th really that big?  Probably not.

It was probably much less conspiracy and much more people writing him off as some kind of product of the system.  UW, obviously, churns out stud college running backs year in and year out.  True, none of them have really put up numbers quite as absurd as what MBS did this year, but I can at least see where they're coming from.

There's also the fact that UW's athletic department went all-in on Black Jesus winning the Heisman.  That definitely hurt Montee's chances, since it kinda is a popularity contest, and he was way behind by the time they made their little Heisman push for him.

If MBS came back, he would 100% be a top frontrunner (probably with Matt Barkley from USC, since it looks like he's coming back) to win the Heisman next year.  But I'm having a very difficult time envisioning him back next year.  Running backs only get so many miles out of their legs before the years of abuse beat them down.  All we can do now is wish him luck and hope he sticks in the NFL for as long as possible.

2. How would you rank the following side dishes? 
  • waffle fries
  • crinkle fries
  • steak fries
  • sweet potato fries
  • tater tots

No 'regular' fries?  Just using those 5, though, I'm gonna order them like this:

5. Sweet potato fries.  I just haven't jumped on the sweet potato bandwagon.  For some reason I compare it to getting the S'mores slice at Ian's.  If you're trying to get that sweet and salty taste juxtaposition, I highly recommend dunking fries from Wendy's into a frosty.  Damn, that actually sounds really good right about now.
4. Steak fries.  Simply because steak fries are massive and therefore very potato-ey.  If that makes sense.  Bonus points if you have them with an actual steak, because then you can soak up some au jus, which makes anything taste 1,000x better.  Especially rolls.
3. Crinkle fries.  If more places had crinkle cut fries like Superdawg, they might be higher on this list.  Superdawg's fries are damn near perfect.  Also, the best grilled onions.
2. Tater tots.  Taste-wise, they're probably not as good as some of the others here.  But tater tots are PERFECT for tossing and trying to catch in your mouth, which happens to be one of my favorite games.  I WILL do this everytime I'm at Redmond's and someone orders tots.
1. Waffle fries. Fo' free.  Why aren't waffle fries more prevalent?  Buff Joe's kills it with their waffle fries.  Chick-fil-A has superb waffle fries.  Do they require an inefficient usage of the potato?  I don't get it.  I hope I'm not alone in saving the one giant waffe fry for last, because I do that every time.


most overrated restaurant/dish in madison

Restaurant: Buffalo Wild Wings.  BDubs had a good run, but then they started jacking up the price of wings on Tuesdays (I think it was .35 cents my freshman year, and around .50 cents by senior year).  It was also the worst physical restaurant in Madison.  Pretty much a giant hallway with a crappy bar and terrible TV's.  Then they even spent the time and money to upgrade their TV's... and they bought like 17" screens.  Never understood that.  Plus, with Quaker Steak just down the street, there's literally no reason to go to BDubs anymore.

Dish: Breakfast Scambler from Mickies.  I wish I loved this, espcially since it's like a big combo of all my favorite breakfast foods.  But it just never sits right with me, and the bacon in mine was woefully undercooked last time.  Once you factor in the hike to get there, there's really no reason to freak out about this place.
how would the badgers bball team fare in a xavier/UC style brawl? would any of them survive?

Oh, I get it.  Because Wisconsin is a bunch of white boys, they can't fight.  Is that right, Dingo?  You disgust me.

I know I wouldn't wanna fight Jordan Taylor.  Dude's built like the lovechild of an NFL linebacker and a semi-truck.  I also have a personal rule about never fighting a guy with a hightop fade, so Evans would horrify me.  Brust has that Neitzel skinhead look, which is very intimidating.  I think we'd hold up just fine in a brawl.  But my darkhorse pick for best street brawler in recent Badger memory?  Stiemsma.  There's a darkness about him that terrifies me, he has crazy reach, and I'm guessing his skull is of above average thickness.


 What do you think of Tebow?

What do I think about Tebow?  I think I figured out his secret:

If I were a Broncos fan, I would do nothing but wave my arms like the little kids in Angels in the Outfield.

Now, to more seriously answer your question, I guess I kinda love him now?  It was far too trendy to hate on Tebow before, so I just wanna go against the grain and get on the Tebow Train.  Does that make me a hipster Tebow fan?  Possibly.  Am I just disgustingly jealous of his forearm muscles?  No doubt:

You would never guess it from that picture, but apparently Tebow doesn't bone.  People doubt that, but you don't get jacked up forearms from being a RUSHING quarterback.  Just remember, Timmy:


If you were a GM, what round would you take black Jesus in the draft and why? Also do you think that despite being engaged, black Jesus is taking home any biddies from the kk on a Saturday night when all the jersey chasers throw themselves at him?

Man, if I'm the GM of your team, you're in SERIOUS trouble.  But just to throw a number out there, I'd say if you want to groom a back-up or take a shot on a kid who just might be good enough to start, you gotta pull the trigger somewhere in the 4th-5th rounds.  I feel like he's a much more intriguing draft prospect than people are giving him credit for.  Based on my untrained, novice eye, I feel comfortable saying he has a real LIVE arm.  The ball seems to pop off his hand nicely.  Accuracy has also been a plus, but he'll need to work on his deep ball - a few too many times this year he's just missed that 40+ yard throw.  He'd for sure be one of the top 10 most mobile QB's in the league, and I have few doubts about his ability to sense the rush and get out of there in time.

But it's not all perfect.  His height will knock him down a rung for most teams, even though he already succeeds behind an NFL-sized offensive line at UW.  I mentioned above that he has a LIVE arm (as opposed to those QB's with the dreaded dead arm), but I think his actual arm strength is a little short of what NFL scouts drool over.

My favorite part about Black Jesus?  The INTANGIBLES.  And I'm gonna make them so tangible right now by explaining what I mean:
  1. Icy cool demeanor.  I don't think I've ever seen him get too high or too low.  It just seems like he's always in control the situation.  Key attribute of a good QB.
  2. Blessed.  He's very, very blessed.  You probably wouldn't know this if you just listened to interviews of him, but it's just a sixth sense of mine to immediately tell how blessed an individual is just by looking at them.  And let me tell you - Russell Wilson, that's one BLESSED football player.
  3. Oozes leadership.  It's not easy to transfer to a program and get voted captain like 2 hours later, but Black Jesus accomplished that feat no more than hour ago.
  4. He's a sponge.  As an aspiring NFL quarterback, I'm gonna go ahead and guess that you need to absorb a stupid amount of information in small amount of time.  We've already seen that Wilson is more than capable of doing just that.
As for the second part of your question, I immediately stopped reading when I got to 'biddies'.  I tried it on for size, but I just can't roll with that.  I would've accepted tricks, marks, mark-ass tricks, trick-ass marks, skeezers, skanks, skig-scags or scallywhops.


Why are smoke breaks legal? Further, why are Cigerettes legal in general.  The health costs are astronomical and the productivity costs of someone leaving for 15 minutes every hour have got to be off the charts.  If I ever ran a company neither would be legal.

I like how you would make smoking illegal if you ran a company.  That's the kind of leadership I can get behind.  I'd say it's the second best idea ever, after my plan to let people work 15 minutes late Monday-Thursday so they could leave an hour early on Friday.  Who WOULDN'T do that?  Probably smokers.

Anyway, cigarettes are legal simply because of money.  Tobacco companies have lobbyists, who make sure that politicians do only what is in the best interest of the group they lobby on behalf of.  You see, that's one time where I don't feel bad about ending a sentence in a preposition.  I always thought that was a bullshit rule.

Back to cigarettes - as long as Big Tobacco has all that lobbying power in Washington, Cigarettes will keep ruining the world, one stick at a time.  Which is exactly why I want to be a lobbyist.  I'm pretty sure it's the best job ever that doesn't have a union.  You just get paid billions of dollars to buy lobsters, blow and hookers for all the senators and representatives money can buy.  This is why I have a seriously difficult time ever getting involved in political mumbo jumbo.  It doesn't matter if something is beneficial to the greater good, it only matters if it keeps the rich rich.  As someone who is not filthy rich (AT LEAST NOT YET), this offends me.  I'm sure once I'm a trillionaire I won't care about the rest of the peasants in the world, but that day is still at least a few months away.

This brings us back to smoke breaks.  I have always felt that in lieu of taking 15 minutes every hour or two to smoke a stick, I can justifiably play on the internet.  The way I see it, we'll all be working the same amount of time, except instead of emphysema and a lifetime of talking like Richard Harrow from Boardwalk, I actually extend my life due to the countless laughs from things like these:

That little dance Oprah does at the end there kills me every time.  Just absolutely slays me.


Bowl game ban for osu is HUUUGE!!!
Who else is going to challenge us for the leaders division title now that osu is ineligible? Penn state is fucked. Illinois always sucks. Don't even look at the teams from Indiana. Second trip to Indy and a date with Michigan is pretty much booked
It's enormous.  Ideally, we'd still beat OSU when they come to Madison next year, but there's a good chance that we won't even have to do that.  You kinda broke it down already, but let me add to it for a second here:
  • Penn State.  Worst recruiting class in recent memory, terrible offense, no shot they win more than 7 games.
  • Illinois.  New coach, same old shit.  Not a threat.
  • Indiana.  I've heard some rumors that now that they have a respectable basketball team again, they might actually eliminate their football program.  No one would ever notice.
  • Purdue.  Didn't they used to get good quarterbacks all the time?  What the fuck happened to that trend?  Idiots.
So I guess even WITH Joey Brennan or true frosh Bart Houston at the helm, anything less than a birth in the B1G Championship will be a monumental disappointment.  If there's a futures bet you can make right now about us being in Indy, bet your house on it.  Whether or not we beat Michigan/Nebraska/MSU in the title game, well, it's way too early to tell.  But you gotta like the way next season is shaping up.  We might contend for another Rose Bowl without a serious threat under center.  Amazing.

Lastly, just wanna wish everyone a Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, and if any of you celebrate Kwanzaa please let me know because I have a lot of unanswered questions.


Friday, December 16, 2011

Badger Preview: Pre-Rose Bowl Mailbag Part 1!

Just like last time, you guys had a ton of awesome questions.  And a few highly questionable ones.  Anyway, way too much for one mailbag (which says a lot, considering this is 4100 words).  Part 2 will be out next Thursday.  Rose Bowl preview the following Thursday.  Thanks again for your questions.

Timothy Iman:

Am I the only one that in every big lecture hall in Madison had multiple escape routes planned in case a shooting ever happened while in class?  The one in Bascom? Check. Ag Hall procedure? Done

I'll take it one step further: I have an entire plan of how to thwart a potential shooter.  I've literally been doing this since high school - and I'm still not sure if that's messed up.  But the plan usually plays out in a few different ways:
  • The old "hide behind the door" move.  In this scenario, I anticipate the gunman coming into my office/classroom, so I run behind the door.  Right after the bastard opens the door, I pounce on him while simultaneously neutralizing his weapon.  It's possibly the most badass move anyone's ever seen.  I'll probably shoot him in both knees, just a reminder of what happens to assholes who prey on the innocent.  The police then rush in, at which point I smartly drop the attacker's weapon and lie on the floor, so as not to be mistaken for the true villain.  After an entire room of saved bystanders convinces the police that I am, in fact, the hero, I'm let go.  I then refuse any and all media requests, keep my name hidden, and use it as a story to pick up girls on the L.  A modern American fairy tale.
  • The "pretend to be dead' move.  I think I actually learned this one form my mom, who was convinced that because there was a school shooting somewhere in the country, that my school would be next.  Anyway, this one is pretty simple but only works if you could have actually been injured.  If you're in such a situation, play dead, and then POUNCE on the shooter after he passes you.  Shoot him in the kneecaps, etc.
I pretty much spend half of every day playing out crazy scenarios in my head.  Some of them are so bizarre that I don't even know how they got in my head.  For example, the other day I was crossing one of the bridges in downtown Chicago and for some unknown reason, I imagined a crazed homeless woman dropping her baby into the river.  I, being the dashing hero, immediately jump over the railing, reaching the baby just in time to save it.  Once paramedics have arrived, I refuse to put my name in the media and use the story to pick up girls on the L.

I swear, I'm not on drugs.

An unnamed source has reported you borrow other people's phones to tweet when yours runs out of juice (with the main reason for it running out is because you are so active on twitter).  Do you think you have a legit addiction?  Will you potentially seek rehab to overcome this?

File this one under the 'sad but true' category.  Listen, when you drive to Indy, drink all day at a bar, AND attend a sporting event, it's clear that your phone will be running DANGEROUSLY low on juice.  And once that phone is dead, you might as well be also.  So I did what any logical, intelligent human being would do: I turned my phone off to conserve juice and had a friend tweet on my behalf:

I really don't get what's so strange about that.  How else was I supposed to let the world know about the MBS?  What was I really supposed to do?  NOTHING?  That's crazy.

Almost as crazy as drunkenly asking a friend to tweet on your behalf because you're deathly afraid of your phone running out of battery before you can tweet all sorts of fun things about drinking MSU fans' tears and needing to find more Qdobas.


What are your feelings of possibly adding another one-year transfer quarterback (Crist)? Also, what are the possibilities that Bart Houston arrives and ends up being the Braxton Miller of Wisco?

I'll take my heart out of this and just look at it with a factual mindset.  Quarterbacks on the roster next year (class standing next year in parentheses):
  • Jon Budmayr, RS Junior.  Jon has been suffering from nerve damage in his throwing elbow, and just today Bielema said that he had another setback.  Not-so-bold prediction: Budmayr never throws another pass at UW.
  • Joe Brennan, RS Sophomore.  Barring a transfer, Brennan is probably your next starting quarterback.  I didn't really see much out of him in his limited snaps this year, but he seems to have his head on right, and maybe he can be a serviceable game manager in the future.  Minimal experience, though.
  • Joel Stave, Sophomore.  Gotta like his size (6'5, 220), and reports were that he was as impressive as any other quarterback in the spring game.  But he's yet another quarterback with little to no game experience.
  • Curt Phillips, RS Senior.  Another day, another serious knee injury for Curt.  A real shame, because he came to UW with hopes of being a dual-threat quarterback for years.  Like Budmayr, I'm having a very hard time envisioning him ever getting serious PT at Wisco.  Very unfortunate.
  • Bart Houston, Freshman.  Easily the most highly touted QB recruit to come to UW since I've been following the team.  He comes from one of the most elite high school football programs in the country, and is the ideal pro style recruit.  But he'll be a true freshman, and all the stars in the world mean nothing until you perform at the next level.  Hard to put all the weight on his shoulders.
So what are my thoughts on adding another one-year transfer a la Black Jesus?  YES YES YES.  Listen, I get that you don't want the 'reputation' as this rent-a-QB school, because yes, that could potentially hurt recruiting.  But the QB landscape is almost totally barren next year.  If Crist or either of the other 2 QB's that contacted Bielema want to try and take us to a third consecutive BCS game, then let them try and earn it.  As long as they fit the mold of a Wisconsin kid, I'm all for it.  In Bielema I trust.

Oh, just saw the second part of your question.  Quickly, I'd say the odds are low.  But if they don't end up taking a transfer, those odds shoot up dramatically.  He'll have a whole playbook to learn, and he'll have to do it quickly.  But we possess the run game to nurse a new QB along.  I'm very excited for Houston's arrival, and dreading the first 'Houston, we have a problem!' joke after he throws his first interception.  Meh.


I've been known to run on the warm side, but the current temp in my apt is bringing a whole new meaning to chillin, causing me to consider turning on my heat for the first time ever...what's the avg temp to set heat in this weather? What about the avg temp to set AC in the summer? Your answer to the heat question is much appreciated as it is most (as you would call it) relevant.

I'm a big believer in just running the damn heat if you're cold.  I'm pretty sure it's not nearly as expensive as A/C, but I could be wrong about that.  I'm also in a unique situation in that I haven't paid an electric bill yet.  We moved into our apartment August 1st (I think).  It was MY job to set up the ComEd account.  Well, I definitely tried, but there was some issue with them not recognizing our apartment in their system.  I put in the effort, had them go through our property owners, but haven't heard anything since.  Final result?  FREE ELECTRICITY.

But back to your problem.  I'll answer with a question: How much stupid stuff do you waste money on in any given month?  If you're anything like me, it's a lot.  So why not just make yourself comfortable at home and rock some heat?  Last I checked, we don't live in Mozambique.  This is America.  If you're cold, turn the heat on.  As much as I love a good hoody* - and I really do - you shouldn't be forced to bundle up like you're going skiing just to watch TV in your apartment.

Actual temperatures are tough, since I haven't toyed with the heat yet.  But in the summer, we kept our place ICE COLD.  I find it impossible to sleep when it's remotely hot, so we always had our A/C blasting overnight.  I think somewhere in the high 60's?  That sounds about right.  Central air is a fucking blessing.

*Hoody or hoodie?  Wikipedia said both are acceptable, but that's a communistic answer.  I demand the truth.


 if you had to replace one of the four main characters on seinfeld with a different actor, who would it be and why?

Process of elimination, since it's one of my all-time favorite shows:
  • Definitely not George.  Costanza is the greatest character on the show and one of the top 5 fictional characters in history.  Even if you replaced him with Larry David, it still wouldn't be the same.  Not stocky enough.
  • No way it's Kramer.  Remember when they were casting for the show about nothing?  The creeper they chose to be Kramer?  Just didn't work.  That guy was way too homicidal looking.  No other person could possibly possess the Kramer hair, his unique mannerisms, and most importantly, the Kavorka.
  • I WANT to say it's Jerry, but for some reason I just can't.  He's easily, EASILY the worst actor on the show.  I was watching 'The Maid' the other day, which is easily a top 5 all-time episode, and Jerry is just BRUTAL.  After his 'maid' quits and breaks up with him, he follows her out into the hall and yells, 'Oh yeah?  Well, then, we're through!  And you're fired!'  Now, this wouldn't be a problem if he didn't have some cockeyed smile on his face the whole time.  Every line he delivers when he's supposed to be all worked up is like that.  Hate it.
  • It's gotta be Elaine.  I don't know enough about the early 90's actress landscape, but I'm guessing they could have found others to take Elaine's role and run with it.  Although, if they didn't pick JLD, we never could have had debates about whether or not she was actually hot.  It's kinda like the Office episode where they're debating if HIllary Swank is hot.  When it comes to Elaine, I just have no clue.  Sometimes she just looks terrible, while others she looks amazing.  Remember the girl that Jerry dated in 'The Strike'?  The two-face?  Elaine is kinda like that, but on a much bigger scale, and much more subtle.  Gimme a new Elaine and I'll love the show just as much.
Speaking of actor/actress replacements, old Morty to new Morty is one of the single greatest changes in modern American television.  Old Morty was AWFUL


Thoughts on the NBA trade veto and how it's funny that people still watch the NBA.

Has there ever been a more controversial issue in sports where everyone was on the same damn side?  Is it even controversy at that point?  Because I haven't heard of one rational human being capable of defending Stern's bullshit vetoes.  As of last night, it looks like they finally slipped a trade offer past Stern, but still.  For a long time, I've had a sneaking suspicion that the NBA is just straight up rigged.  Then all the Donaghy stuff came out - which I believe through and through.  And now this crap with the league owning a team and the commissioner vetoing trades like a drunken fantasy football commissioner?  Amazing is definitely happening.

The crazy part is this won't stop people from watching the NBA.  Not at all.  It still showcases the freakiest of freak athletes.  It will still be entertaining.  There will still be drama.  This probably isn't the last we've heard from the commissioner.  But I just find it hard to put much faith in the results of the games when we know the refs have been crooked, and we know that the commissioner of the league has been indisputably affecting the makeup of the league - BEYOND standard commissioner duties.

Now, go back to that previous paragraph, change 'NBA' to 'WWE', and tell me if anything else needs to be changed.


What's the proper protocol when you are given an inaccurate wait time at a restaurant? Like, they say it'll be 15 minutes, but it's now been 40. The hostess invariably gives you a dirty look if you inquire when you're up and this might make her passive agressively bump you further down the list. But what if you were overlooked or forgotten?

Man, I HATE those situations.  I'm also pretty much deathly afraid of sending food back, because 1) I don't want to look like an asshole and be 'that' customer, and 2) I've seen the movie Waiting enough to know that you can't mix Mexican with continental.  But there have been some Ask Reddit threads on this type of thing, and the one thing that all people in the restaurant business said was that as long as you're nice about it, they'll never have a problem trying to help you out.  So if you're told that it will be 15-20 minutes, and it's been 45, you should absolutely go up to the hostess and kindly ask if they know when you might be able to get your table.  Don't make up some BS about having to catch a movie after, and definitely, DEFINITELY don't try and bribe them.
Same thing with sending food back.  If you ordered a steak medium but it comes out rare, don't be an idiot and eat it anyway - you're spending good money on that meal and it should be exactly what you wanted.  However, don't be the dick that eats all the fries and then complains that their burger is cold.  No shit it's cold, you've been sitting there eating fries for 20 minutes.  There are no magic stay-hot burgers out there.  But there might be soon because I'm gonna have to invent that and make millions of dollars.


 It seems like all of your food porn pics come from restaurants. Do you ever cook for yourself? If so, what is your favorite thing to make? Does anything top the buffalo strip sandwich between two pieces of texas toast that you used to make in college?

God damnit.  I suck at cooking.  I can't help it.  It's even dumber because I'm pretty much the only person in my family that CAN'T cook.  Even my little brother, who's not in high school yet, sends me pictures of meals he makes.  A lot of which happen to be breakfast for dinner, but that's still amazing.  The coolest thing I've ever cooked was mac and cheese with bacon, jalapeno, and a crumbled goldfish cracker crust.  But it wasn't as amazing as it should've been, because, again, I suck at cooking.

Another huge problem?  I can't stand raw poultry.  Raw chicken grosses me out to no end.  I have no idea what it is, but there was an episode of Top Chef where they had to butcher chickens as fast as possible, and I was just throwing up the entire time.  I'm not thrilled about handling other raw meats, but I think raw chicken is just the nastiest thing in the world.  And that sucks because I LOVE chicken.  80% of my meals have chicken in them.  But I just can't get over how gross handling raw chicken is.

PS - My mom literally just texted me, 'nug nite mcdonalds'.  STOP ENCOURAGING ME.

PPS - Nugget night at McD's is a fucking glorious night.

PPPS - One of my coworkers bet me that I couldn't eat 40 nuggets in one sitting.  I've never seen easier money in my entire life.  But then it was stepped up a notch when she bet me I couldn't eat $34 worth of McDonald's.  That's a lot trickier.  What would you even order?  Clearly you have to stay away from the dollar menu, as you want the OPPOSITE of bang for your buck.  Good lord, I'm not nearly hungry enough to keep talking about copious amounts of Mickey D's.


Question:  What is the best degree to pursue in the business school (grainger)?

2 ways I can answer this:
  • The best degree for enjoying your time in school would probably be marketing.  Mind you, I took exactly one marketing class, but it seemed like going up the chain you'll spend less time talking about statements of cash flows and the Black-Scholes model and more time designing fake products and learning how to trick unsuspecting people into buying your stuff.
  • The best degree for getting a job after graduation is almost 100% accounting.  I feel like a true jackass because I had to take 3 accounting classes to get my finance degree - a degree that wasn't all that hot by the time I graduated.  Meanwhile, if you did accounting (or even better, the 5 year accounting program), you were pretty much guaranteed a solid-paying job after leaving Madison.  My dad enjoys reminding me of this all time, as if I possess some magical time machine to go back and get an accounting degree instead.  Yea, right.  Like if I could go back in time I'd major in accounting instead of finance.  WRONG.
Since I'm guessing you're still in the B-School, let me make one more suggestion: For midterms/finals, just grab an entire classroom to study in.  You gotta time it right to snatch one, but once you lay claim to a room, you have the following amenities:
  • Outlets everywhere
  • Comfy swivel chairs
  • A chalk/whiteboard
  • Enough room to make throwing a ball of paper into the trash a fun and difficult activity
  • Space to bring friends in to 'study' with you, since everyone knows that studying with other people is actually the opposite of productive 
Question:  Best first drink to order at a bar/ best last drink to order at a bar?

Trick question.  The answer to both is rumplemintz.  When you just get there, you're usually trying to catch up.  100 proof rumple does the trick.  And by the time you're leaving, you'll be so plastered that taking another shot of rumplemintz sounds like a genius idea.


If you could select any person in the world to rape Jerry Sandusky, who would make up the top-3 on your list?

I might actually hate you for asking such a terrible question.  But, IN NO ORDER:

  • Boggs and the Sisters from Shawshank

  •  This guy:

  • Lastly, this guy:

Not a cold enough shower in the world to help me out right now.


Who do you think is having more nightmares right now, the Oregon D-Coord or our D-Coord? Oregon will simply wilt against our O-Line strength (they have to blitz... spoiler alert: it won't work), but our coverage unit will look like scramblin' retards trying to catch the Quacks. We couldn't even handle the speed of Michigan St on the WR bubble screens and slants. Even Fenelus looked lost at times. We really don't have a pass rush, so how can we possibly stop them?
Unknown defensive badgers can step up in big bowls to become big names. Wendell Bryant, JJ Watt come to mind...

The only way we stop them is by forcing turnovers, which I really do think we'll do.  And yes, like you said, there's no way they slow our offensive line down.  And if our O-line is getting that push, that means Montee will run free.  And if Montee is running free, then the play action game will open up for Black Jesus.  It's a vicious cycle.

But I honestly do think they won't punt.  At all.  All they're gonna do is score touchdowns, throw interceptions, or fumble.  That's it.  In a way, they're kinda the Adam Dunn of college football offenses.  3 true outcomes, nothing else.  It's a terrifying thing to gameplan for, and I'm sure the defensive coaches weren't feeling too hot after the B1G Championship game where, as you said, MSU just picked us apart.

An unknown Badger to step it up big time in teh bowl game?  Hmmm.  That's a damn fine question.  Are any of our defensive linemen outside of Nzegwu really 'known'?  As a whole, they've been awfully underwhelming all season.  Butrym has had his moments, Beau Allen's been up and down, and Hemer/Kelly shine sometimes.  But I just don't think there's a dominant pass rusher in that group.  I'm secretly holding out hope that they've been slowplaying Borland's role all season, and this is the game where they'll send him flying off the edge to abuse Oregon's QB.  What else is he gonna do?  Stick in coverage on their lightning fast receivers and backs?  Nah.  Let the kid go beast mode and attack their backfield.  That's my holiday wish.  BEASTMODE BORLAND.


As a ranch lover myself, I seem to be having the hardest time finding a good dipping ranch from the store for when I just want eat some chicken tenders at home.   I've gone to restaurants, multiple times, and had them put their ranch in to go cups for me so that I can enjoy it at home, however they only seem to last about a week before my roommates complain about bad smells coming from the fridge (and yes, I even tried emptying a glass bottle of crappy ranch and putting the restaurant stuff inside).    Therefore I need some dank ass ranch recommendations because hidden valley just ain't cutting it.
Couldn't agree more.  Hidden Valley is essentially ranch flavored mayo.  Gross.  But I have no idea what to do about this problem.  It's why I ALWAYS have to ask for a side of ranch at any restaurant if I'm bringing my food home.  Are there some do it yourself ranch kits out there that let me control how liquid-y my ranch is?  Because that's always a huge factor in determining how good ranch is.  Wait, what was that ranch you had waiting for me in a 20 oz cup last year?  That was quite dank and it seemed like you had mass quantities of it.  I'm calling shenanigans.  You're sitting on a ranch goldmine and you're keeping it on the down low.

For the record, Ian's makes their own ranch.  It's real, and it's spectacular.

Everyone Ever:

If you were Ryan Braun, would you rather admit to using steroids and accept your suspension, or have herpes and not be suspended?

It's pretty remarkable that I got this question like 9 different times.  Because this is such a close call, we'll have to go to the ever-useful pros and cons list.



  • Well, you don't have herpes
  • You'll probably still get to keep your MVP trophy
  • I imagine being suspended in sports is the same thing as being suspended in school.  Translation: Lots of video games.
  • You're labeled a cheater
  • If your name ever comes up for Hall of Fame voting, this will not help your case
  • You might have little balls
  • You might have fucked up sperm.  I think that's a steroids side-effect.
  • I'm pretty sure steroid abuse leads to your body just falling apart like Mr. Jefferson in that South Park episode


  • You didn't cheat
  • Your baseball career should recover nicely
  • Herpes won't kill you
  • There are oodles, OODLES of herpes-ridden chicks in Milwaukee that would love to swap sores with you
  • Fuck, most girls in Milwaukee would probably bang you anyway
  • I assume that your teammates will be RELENTLESS with the herpes jokes
  • A girl will 100% sue you for giving her herpes at some point
  • When everyone's laughing at the 'What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas... except herpes' joke from The Hangover, you have to lie through your teeth and say, 'I really don't think it was that funny.'
  • Run out to left field at Wrigley, be serenaded with HERRRRRRRRRRRR-PPEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS cheers.
  • Well, I mean, the whole fucking world knows you've got the herp.

Hmm... pretty tough call.  But I'm going with HERPES.  Andddd that's the last time I will ever type that sentence.  Hopefully.