Thursday, August 14, 2014

2014 Preseason Mailbag!

2014 season is underway. Let's do this thing.


***

DG:
I had no idea euchre was spelled euchre as opposed to yuker. What is your top-10 list of "why the hell are you spelled that way" words?
1) Wednesday. Anyone who can successfully spell this word without saying, 'Wed-nes-day' in their head is a damn LIAR. I refuse to accept any other school of thought. This word makes no sense and we should've fixed it a billion years ago.

2) Colonel. LOL, yeah right.

3) Rhythm. I've always thought this word closely resembled alphabetic diarrhea. I'm also guessing people would really struggle with that 'h' in diarrhea, but for some reason I just really know how to spell diarrhea. I wonder if Costanza started that scene with 'diarrhea', but then re-shot it with 'manure'. If you at least kinda know the Seinfeld scene I'm referencing, you need to click on that link.

4) February. Old SAT question: Wednesday : "Wed-nes-day" :: February : "Feh-broo-ary". Only got 28 days for a reason.

5) Cemetery. HOW are there no 'a's in this word? There should be at LEAST two 'a's in 'cemetery'. I mean, we're not even touching on the fact that cemetery and seminary start with completely different letters for absolutely no reason. I admire the fuck out of non-native English speakers. This language is IMPOSSIBLE.

6) Receipt. Silent letters. Those are logical. That 'p' really brings a lot to the table.

7) Restaurant. I don't like this word.

8) Jeopardy. Nope.

9) Devastating. Personal struggle of mine. I flip a coin on the vowel after the 'v'. Can easily talk myself into an 'a' or an 'e' there.
10) Separate. Same thing after the 'p'. My brain simply refuses to learn.

Kira D:
My anxiety surrounding this issue is only half-fictional.


I recently shacked up with the beau who some might affectionately describe as the most batshit bonkers Badger fan on the planet.  Any advice on how to appropriately weather the Wisconsin football storm about to sweep through our apartment? Especially need tips on what's to be done pre, post, and during games v. UMich.
Well, first of all, we don't play Michigan until October 1st, 2016. Who knows, you could be PREGNANT by then with little baby Melvin.


...



Seriously, what if you're pregnant by then? Make sure the kid isn't due until well after football season.

As far as this year goes, a couple things to keep in mind:
  • If you try taking him to a wedding on a Saturday that is not on 9/13 or 10/18, then you are asking for a completely distracted wedding date staring at his phone throughout the ceremony. There is no debating this. Gamedays are sacred. They are limited. Those 14 fall Saturdays deserve all the attention they get. Please understand this.
  • With that said, make him do some awful, touristy stuff on those bye weeks. How about a nice weekend retreat to Pennsylvania Dutch country?
  • Understand that in the immediate aftermath of a loss, he will not be emotionally stable. Do not even try to console him. Remember in The Lost World when they decide to help out the baby T-Rex by putting a cast on its broken leg? Well, Mama T-Rex came to try and kill them anyway. Don't try to put a cast on his broken baby T-Rex leg of emotions.
  • Wear something red. SOLIDARITY
  • A nice cheese platter can go a long way in scoring some points.
It's easy to get along with someone after a win. The real test is seeing how they handle defeat. I assume you'll learn very quickly if your presence is requested after we decide to switch quarterbacks with 2 minutes left in a one score game and then the new quarterback audibles the play for no apparent reason and it blows up in our face.


Thursday, August 7, 2014

2014 Preseason Mailbag Time!

OOOOOOO hot new banner for football season!

ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT

23 days until Wisconsin and LSU play a REAL football game in Houston. That's it. Three weeks from this Saturday we'll all gather at Will's, daydrink, laugh, and wonder aloud how long it will be until 'Timber' is cool again. I HOPE IT IS SOON. What's in store for Wisconsin in year 2 of the Gary Andersen era? Can UW hang with LSU's ELITE SEC ATHLETES? Will Wisconsin - most likely the favorites in every game after that - run the table? Will GA use his newfangled Twitter account to drop a #karma bomb on Bielema? Is it possible to eat too many cheese curds?

I don't have any answers. But I know I can't freaking wait to find out.


***

Before we dig too deep, let's kick off the year with a good old fashioned MAILBAG. By now, you should know the drill: send me any and all questions you have. No topic is off-limits. You can ask about:
  • The University of Wisconsin allowing firearms on campus
  • How much I love U-Haul
  • Debating which game is better betwixt cribbage and euchre
  • Or literally anything else/FASHION TALK
You know the drill. Get your questions in sooner rather than later so you can have your first Friday distraction of the year next week.

It's good to be back. Shaping up to be a fun year for both football and hoops. Let's do this thing.

ALMOST FORGOT: In case you haven't heard,
Will's is hosting their annual 5th Quarter THIS SUNDAY at 2:30. Bucky will be there. The band will be there. And you've literally never had a bad time at Will's. Add it all up, and it sounds like a nice little Sunday Funday.

ONE LAST THING: Beginning of the season is always a good time to make sure your friends/cousins/siblings/PARENTS/significant others/co-workers who went to Wisconsin or are Wisconsin fans are on the list. Send me any referrals you got. Thanks in advance.


***

ON WISCONSIN

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Season Finale Mailbag!

Here we go. Last BP of the season. 5,000+ words of mailbag for you to read while pretending to work on Friday.

LET'S go!


Ryan M:
My question is this: What is your stance on the music genres of K-pop/J-pop? Love it/hate it? Do you think some groups are borderline child labor? If you watch a few music videos do you have to google the group to find out if you're looking at 12 year olds or 38 year olds? Here's a music video by 'BABYMETAL' for you watch and listen to while pondering my questions:


OH MY GOD. Is this real? Why did I just look down and see my foot feverishly tapping along to the double bass pedal? Why does Japan OWN YouTube? Was that J-POP?

I had no idea. So I hopped on over to jpopasia.com to check the charts. Here's your #1 J-Pop hit:


YES, YES, [mouthing Japanese gibberish], YES, YES

It's REALLY bad that this is the catchiest song I've heard in a month. It's DOUBLY BAD that I immediately checked TouchTunes to see if I could start buying this on jukeboxes at bars (no go). I watched the entire 6+ minutes of this video and I'm dumbfounded that there are Gaijin in it. Is J-Pop just Japanese boy bands? INTRIGUED

And #1 on the K-Pop charts?




Apparently these two won K-Pop Star, which is Korean for American Idol. And this song isn't half-terrible. Are they both 14 years old? PROBABLY. But I think that's okay. As long as they're not trying to swindle gold medals at the Olympics with phony birth certificates, I don't really care how old they are.

PS - Am I really old for not knowing about K-Pop/J-Pop? Is this like when I told my parents that Weezer was my favorite band and they asked me what the fuck a Weezer was? Ughhhhhhhh



Sid K:
They put a Wendy's where the T-Bell/KFC used to be on State St. is this a good decision? Is there a better restaurant that should go in that spot? 
Rarely is Wendy's opening up a bad thing. But I'm very confused about the entire situation. Here are the facts:
  • I find it impossible to believe that the Taco Bell/KFC was not raking in mad money.
  • The rent at that spot is probably ludicrous.
  • I wish there was some pico in CGC's.
Once I heard that the TB/KFC was closing, my initial hunch was that the city basically forced them out. Liberal propaganda, they don't like national chains, ESPECIALLY fast food national chains, etc. But Wendy's taking over that property really throws my theory for a loop. How could a TB/KFC fail on a college campus with thousands of dope-pokin', Natty-drinkin' kids craving exactly that kind of food all the time? And how could a Wendy's be so significantly better and succeed where TB/KFC failed? Why isn't there a joint Badger Herald/Daily Cardinal/Badger Preview INVESTIGATION to get to the bottom of what is now Madison's single greatest mystery?

I lay awake at night pondering the answers to these very questions.


PS - Madison's previous greatest mystery was why the Rathskeller ELIMINATED the chicken tender basket. All of Madison's greatest mysteries revolve around the disappearance of delicious food.


PPS - If they HAD to replace the TB/KFC, I'd vote for an additional Jimmy John's strictly so I could go there and buy 15 sandwiches and then go in the bathroom and stuff up their toilets by flushing the sandwiches. That would be enjoyable for me. Stuffing Jimmy John's down their own toilets and watching with questionable joy as their bathroom flooded with tepid water and sandwich mediocrity.


PPPS - I barely know what 'tepid' means so just roll with it.


4xPS - For real, just open a Devil Dawgs franchise in that location and let the good times roll. That's my for realsies suggestion. I'd march into the Devil Dawgs on Sheffield and DEMAND an audience with the CFD (Chief Financial Dawg) and tell him that I wasn't asking for a Devil Dawgs franchise - I was DEMANDING  a Devil Dawgs franchise. This idea would succeed where my Buff Joe's Madison franchise idea failed.


#Wiscontrepreneur





Friday, April 11, 2014

Mailbag Time!

Let's get one thing straight: it's NEVER fun to lose a heartbreaker like that game against Kentucky. Especially when the stakes are so high. But I moved on pretty quickly, and I think you should, too. Bo got the stupid 'can't make a Final Four'/'can't beat a higher seeded team' monkey off his back. The hoops program got all sorts of attention and the publicity that comes with Aaron Rodgers jumping on your bandwagon. And I'm not sure how much this will help recruiting, but it sure as hell won't hurt it.

This run was a good thing. A GREAT thing. Do I know for a fact that we would've beaten UConn on Monday night? Absolutely. Not a doubt in my mind. But I'm not gonna dwell on that 'what-if', and you shouldn't either. The weather's FINALLY turning (I think), Big Star's patio is calling, and we return over 80% of our scoring/rebounding/assisting next year. This program didn't peak in Dallas. It just took one enormous step towards the next level. Enjoy it. We're not going anywhere.


***

With that said, let's wrap up this season in the only way I know how: MAILBAG CITY. Leave your question in the comments or email badgerpreview@gmail.com. No topic is off-limits. You can ask me about:
  • The escaped Kansas City monkeys
  • Bill's Key Shop
  • Why BuzzFeed is the worst thing ever to happen to the internet
  • What my new high score in 2048 is (it's real hot)
  • What I'm expecting this season on The Challenge
And so on. Dig deep and hit me up. Don't make me come looking for you.

PS - Goodnight, sweet #SpiritAnimals:



PPS - How I felt watching Harrison hit that shot:


Long live the #ElefantesPequenos


PPPS - If you didn't notice his eyes after he falls, then watch it 7 more times.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

NCAA Tournament Final Four


I can't even tell you how happy that picture makes me. As a Badger fan, I'm ecstatic that we won both games last week and reached the Final Four. As a fan of this team, I couldn't be happier.

But as someone who thinks Bo Ryan is essentially the greatest human being on the planet, this is pure ecstasy. I couldn't even begin to count the number of times I've heard someone say he'll never get to the Final Four. I've wanted to rip my own ears off every time someone's told me his style wouldn't work in March. He needs to recruit better athletes if he wants to make a run? Yeah. Sure. Whatever you say.


At the end of the day, getting to Dallas doesn't validate Bo as an elite coach. He's shown that year after year. You don't win 4 DIII titles, finish top-4 in the B1G every season, go dancing every year, and have the highest winning percentage in B1G history without being one of the best coaches ever. If the idiots out there needed this to happen to realize that, then that's all you need to know about them. The rest of us have known for a while that we've got someone special leading the way in Madison.


Now let's go win a fucking title.


IT'S TIME TO TALK KENTUCKY. I DO NOT LIKE THEM.
  • Location: Lexington, Kentucky.
  • QUICK: What's the capital of Kentucky?
  • If you knew it was Frankfort and not Lexington, then I'm calling bullshit: Oddly enough, I think Montpelier is the EASIEST state capital to remember. No one's confusing Montpelier with... any of those other townships in Vermont. I'm just now realizing that I could not tell you a single fact about the state of Vermont, and I don't think I've ever met someone from the state of Vermont. Part of me is starting to think it's not a real state and just one of the yellow properties in Monopoly.
  • Monopoly properties ranked:
1) Orange. Duh.
2) Red. Mental warfare. Someone hits free parking and then rolls a 3. Demoralizing.
3) Fuchsia. So sneaky good. Catch someone coming out of the clink and you make them YEARN for stale bread and a steel bed.
4) Light blue. Get hotels. Get paid.
5) Green. Mental warfare part 2: people will start praying they go to jail instead of visiting your properties. Kinda like I'd rather go to jail than spend a week in Ohio.
6) Yellow. Vermont Avenue, money.
7) Purple. Why not.
8) Railroads. I buy railroads about as often as I tip bathroom attendants.
9) Utilities. For the real back alley swindlers.
10) Royal blue. The fuck if I've EVER won a game loading up on Park Place and Boardwalk. It costs $9 million to get hotels on them, no one ever hits 'em (MOTHERFUCKING LUXURY TAX), and you go broke waiting for someone to make you rich. They're a goddamn scam. Have you ever seen Boiler Room? Park Place and Boardwalk are the stocks those scammers push on people.
  • Kentucky's Words: see blue. Those are some lame fucking words.
  • Relationship to Dracula: Kentucky was spawned from TRANSYLVANIA UNIVERSITY in 1865. No one told me were fighting one-and-dones AND vampires. This is bullshit.
  • Tally Cats: A program where they bribe students for attending and showing up on-time to campus events. The official website uses the word 'swag' 14 times. Truthfully, I just like saying Tally Cats. And now I'm singing, 'Come, Mr. Tally Cat, tally me banana' like that makes any sense. I hope this gets stuck in your head and you HATE it.

NOTABLE ALUMNI
  • Chris Sullivan, founder of Outback Steakhouse. I've never been to Outback. Is that bad? Seems like a fun place, but maybe it should be a point of pride that I've never gone there. It's possible that I'm just some kind of steak ELITIST who only eats the finest meats. Also, it's kinda bullshit that Wisconsin gets so much grief for being a fat state when it took a UK grad to invent the 3,000 calorie onion.
  • Dr. James Michael Guiler, the UK Uterus Branding Bandit. From Wiki:
A doctor who has been accused in civil suits of unnecessarily branding the uteruses of several women while performing their hysterectomies. The letters - UK referring to his alma mater - were allegedly used to show orientation during the laparoscopic procedures. As of 2008, there have been no trials or settlements.
I'm only mildly concerned that my biggest takeaway from that is that the plural of 'uterus' is not 'uteri'. Oh yeah, kinda fucked up, but (oh god) I wonder if they mark ALL uteri in some way, and Dr. Guiler just added a little flair to the job? If branding uteri for orientation purposes is an accepted medical maneuver, then I can almost sorta understand this. What's the different betwixt and arrow with 'this way up' and a Motion W? Okay, moving on.

PS - I looked it up and apparently 'uteruses' and 'uteri' are both acceptable.

PPS - I'm not entirely sure what a hysterectomy is, but in The Office a nurse made a joke about Meredith's and that made me think it's removing a uterus. I am not googling this.
  • Happy Chandler, MLB Commissioner. Not just ANY old baseball commissioner, because he was the one who approved Jackie Robinson's contract with the Dodgers. I've always thought of Kentucky as this backwards, racist hellhole, but I guess we have them to thank for integrating baseball. Well done. However, I will point out that Happy did his undergrad at TRANSYLVANIA COLLEGE.
  • Ashley Judd, actress. Is more of her fame attributed to her Kentucky basketball fan status than her acting prowess? Looking at her IMDb page, and WOOF. I think the only movie of hers I've seen is Heat. Heat is an awesome movie, but I didn't even realize it was Judd (she's blonde in the movie). In a battle of celebrity fans, give me Andy North and Anders Holm over Ashley Judd ANY day.
  • M. E. Hart, MC Double Def DP. You don't remember MC Double Def DP? Does this help jog your memory?

DEVIL EYES

Still can't place him? Alright, here you go:



Well isn't that just fucking incredibly terrible. I know at some point in my life, I've seen this before. But I didn't remember it being a fucking 9-minute-long video. I also didn't realize that BIG MEDIA has been fighting off internet pirates since the Floppy Era. That's crazy. It's also kinda sad that back then, they couldn't fight fire with fire, so they fought fire with HOT FIRE. MC Double Def DP must be the most accomplished rapper ever to emerge from Kentucky.

PS - GUESS WHO'S BACK



AAHHHHHHHHH. YES. DP is BACK and hotter than ever! It's fucking slaying me that they don't say the word 'floppy' anymore. I know the real reason is because floppies are extinct, but if you pretend that it's the radio edit of the song and they really are dropping a filthy word there, it's MUCH more entertaining.

PPS - Everyone lost their shit over Nicki Minaj's verse in 'Monster', but I honestly think BSheba's verse in 'Don't Copy That 2' is better.

PPPS - 

SCREEN IMAGES SIMULATED

  • Randall Cobb, NFL wide receiver. When does this get old?



NEVER IT NEVER GETS OLD



CHICAGO BADGERS: Can we top last week at Will's? I think so. Show up a little earlier (you do not want to wait in line), settle in, have a few beers, play some games (someone please bring Battleship), and do everything you can to pass the time until tip-off. It's going to CRAWL, but you might as well start getting drunk and having a good time while the clock slowly ticks towards DESTINY.

WHOA HEY LOOK WHO'S IN THE CHICAGO TRIBUNE: It's me!


ENHANCE:



PS - Higher on the page than Beyonce, no big deal.

PPS - #thermalseason going strong; staying strong.




Wednesday, March 26, 2014

NCAA Tournament Sweet 16 & Elite 8


So that was pretty fun, right? Forget the American game (if you were actually worried at any point, reevaluate the way your life works), because that game against Oregon on Saturday was one of the most enjoyable victories I can remember. And I truly only remember the second half... and that's only because I've re-watched it 3 times and listened to the Badger radio call of it twice. Is that weird? Probably. But when you end up watching the game at a bar with dollar drinks, all bets are off. I can guarantee I was fucking loving life and riding high, which is how everyone should've felt as UW stormed back to best an annoyingly talented Oregon squad.

I said last week, anything less than a Sweet 16 appearance would be a disappointment. Well, here we are. Wisconsin is in Anaheim ready to battle with the Baylor Bears, who looked like the fucking 1992 Chicago Bulls last weekend when they beat Creighton by a thousand. Am I scared? Do I think we can win? Is Baylor really that good? LET'S INVESTIGATE


WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT BAYLOR?
  • Location: Waco, Texas
  • Words: For Church, For Texas. VOM.COM/BAYLOR
  • Baylor?
  • Dwight's little fist pump there? Gets me every time.
  • Baylor has the best frat ever. From Wikipedia:
The Noble NoZe Brotherhood, an unofficial fraternal organization, was founded in 1924 to study the art of bridge construction in association with the BBA (Baylor Bridge Association).
Apparently bridges are REAL hot in Waco.
The NoZe Brotherhood provides the university with unusual public pranks and satirical writings in its newspaper, The Rope. Members hide their identities to keep their actions anonymous with traditional Groucho Marx glasses, theatrical wigs and beards, and outlandish garb to protect against backlash from Baylor administration when satirically jesting at University policies.
This is perfectly normal.
Baylor lore has it that to enter the group, one must have a GPA of 4.0 or 0.4, endure rigorous trial and tribulation, and take part in hidden meetings.
I think this is like in Dead Man on Campus when they thought if their roommate committed suicide they'd get straight A's. In other words, GENIUS.
All other information regarding the group tends to be heavily vested, however rumor states that many alumni of the group continue to be district attorneys, federal judges, congressmen and other political activists.
Well doesn't that just make buckets of sense.
  • Baylor has THREE mascots: Judge Joy (real, live bear), Judge Lady (real, live bear), and Bruiser (fake, costumed bear). I know you're wondering if the three of them are ever in the same cage at the same time and I WISH I knew the answer to that. Would Joy and Lady eat Bruiser's face off? Would it be like a dog humping a stuffed animal because it doesn't know any better? Do Joy and Lady ever get to go to the games?
Real animals? Adorable. Mascot animals? ODDLY CREEPY



NOTABLE BAYLOR ALUMNI
  • Bill Townsend, founder of Lycos. I am ETERNALLY fascinated with old school non-Google search engines. Like, I know Billy doesn't lose any sleep over losing the Search Wars given that he's had a hand in LinkedIn and GeoCities. This asshole is probably so stupidly rich that he could have a couple pet bears of his own if he wanted. But I think it's so cool that there were all these people right on the cusp of the internet blowing up with similar ideas, and only the Google Russians straight killed it. Jonny AltaVista and Mike Excite probably crush High Life's together wondering what could have been.
  • Tan Joe Hok, Indonesian badminton HERO. That is legitimately his title on Wikipedia. A badminton HERO. How does a kid from West Java end up at Baylor and then become the best Indonesian badminton player of all-time? I don't know, but I probably wouldn't read the book or see the movie. Related:
  • Willie Nelson, country music singer. Do I know any songs by Willie Nelson? Do you have to be a total hippie stoner to appreciate him? Apparently he's won SIX Grammys, which seems outrageous because country music shouldn't even be eligible for that many awards. Although... he was born during the Great Depression, which is hard to even understand.
  • John R. Kane, American badass. Let's see: he played basketball and football while at Baylor. When he was traveling with the basketball team, their bus was hit by a train. 10 of the 22 on board died - Kane had just a few scratches on him. When WWII came around, Kane enlisted and was sent to the Mediterranean Theatre of War, which has to be one of the best Theatres of War available. I LOVE the phrase 'Theatre of War'. While there, he flew 43 combat missions with a B-24 crew that were so daring, the Germans dubbed him Killer Kane. KILLER KANE! That is fucking incredible. When they make the movie for Unbroken, I need them to find a way to get Killer Kane in there. His story isn't nearly as remarkable as Zamperini's, but that's only because Zamperini lived the most insane life in the history of the world.
  • Howard E. Butt Jr., president of the H.E. Butt Foundation. Pretty torn on whether or not it would be cool to have 'Butt' as your last name. You gotta figure, every kid's getting made fun of for something, right? Wouldn't you rather get made fun of because your name is 'Butt' than having kids pick on you for being an albino or something REALLY weird? And given that he's a Butt JUNIOR, you gotta figure the Butts are sitting on a big old pile of BUTT MONEY. Any money is good money, but butt money is GREAT money. Second only to #HouseMoney. OFFICIAL MONEY POWER RANKINGS:
1) #HouseMoney
2) Butt Money
3) Free Money
4) Cash Money
5) Wet Money




CHICAGO BADGERS: I hope you're ready for a terrible Friday, because we're getting after it at Will's tomorrow. Standard gameday rules in effect, late enough tip to get there on time from work, and yet an early enough tip to get all weird and still make it home at a reasonable hour. PERFECT TIP.

My only advice for Friday would be to make eye contact with absolutely no one and try not to breathe, and take a very hot shower, drink some water, and listen to Sugar Ray on the way to work. I promise you'll be fine if you do EXACTLY that. #NeverFails



Wednesday, March 19, 2014

NCAA Tournament 1st & 2nd Rounds



OH YEAHHHHHHHH

If you're reading this, that means the MURDER ICE has not killed you. It means that you've survived everything this abomination of a winter has thrown at you. You've survived subzero wind chills and home losses to Northwestern and St. Patrick's Day debauchery. Your reward? The single greatest sporting event in the history of the world.

No more room for error. No more coming out flat and worrying about the next one. It's time to nut up or shut up. And I gotta be honest - I'm predicting a whole lot of NUTTIN' UP. You can forget that MSU game; no team in the country was beating them the way they were playing. Instead, focus on the Minnesota game where the Badgers were executing on offense and playing solid D. That's the team I'm expecting to show up during the tournament starting on Thursday against American.

BUT WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT AMERICAN?
  • Their entire enrollment is roughly the size of the UW football student section. BUT WOULD THE ENTIRE AMERICAN UNIVERSITY STUDENT BODY SHOW UP ON TIME FOR AN 11 AM KICKOFF AGAINST PUDUE?
  • American has been named 'most politically active school' by The Princeton Review a bunch of times. Top party school vs. top politically active school. I think I am okay with the choice I made.
  • The American Eagles mascot is named Clawed the Eagle, which is absolutely fucking brilliant:


At first, I was stumped: Why is Clawed wearing sneakers? And why did I just say 'sneakers' like I'm 1992 Jerry Seinfeld? But then I remembered that eagle talons are absolutely TERRIFYING:


GAHHH those are so frightening. Thank GOD Clawed covers up his talons of doom with some kicks. Are eagle feet SCALED? I think I'm just very relieved that no human has ever been attacked by an eagle since they're our unofficial national mascot. The only enjoyable part of googling 'clawed the eagle' was finding eagle-clawed-marxist.jpg:

FEAR THE EAGLE-CLAWED MARXIST

Well. Can't say I'm comfortable with MARXIST eagle talons either. SOLVED:

CLAWED THE MARXIST DOES NOT APPROVE OF THIS CAPITALISTIC EAGLE'S SHOE OPPRESSING HIS PROLETARIAN TALON

(I had to google 'Marxism' to really figure out where I was going with that caption.)

NOTABLE AMERICAN UNIVERSITY EAGLE ALUMNI
  • Jordan Belfort, the REAL Wolf of Wall Street. Belfort majored in biology at American, went to dentistry school, quit, and then started doing cocaine, pulling Wall Street strange, and swindling billions of dollars.* In conclusion, American University caused the banking crisis and destroyed the United States economy. Wisconsin 1, American 0.
  • Mark Murphy, President and CEO of the Green Bay Packers. The Packers NEVER draft Badgers, but I think they kinda have to take Borland this year. Middle linebacker is a need, and Borland is arguably the best middle linebacker to ever be on the cusp of playing in the NFL. I'm also convinced that Borland and Rodgers will immediately become best friends who compete in every game imaginable. Locker room ping pong. Throwing footballs at the crossbar from the 50 while blindfolded. Possibilities are endless. I don't want this to happen. I need this to happen.
  • Danny Glover, actor. You know what? I don't think he ever went to American. I think this is a lie. But at the same time, Angels in the Outfield is as American as America gets. Verdict? COUNT IT
  • William Moulton Marston, inventor and comic book artist. Marston created Wonder Woman AND invented the polygraph? How are those things even in the same ballpark? Fuck this guy. You should only be allowed to do ONE impressive thing with your life. Save SOMETHING for the rest of us. If any of you have ever taken a polygraph, PLEASE let me know. And if you failed and got arrested or something else terrible, you can blame American University.
  • Jesse Itzler, AKA Jesse Jaymes, American musician, rapper, producer, and entrepreneur. Wait. THIS Jesse Jaymes went to a world-renowned political institution?


A Jewish rapper at one point gave Clawed the Eagle a high five at an American University basketball game? When is my head supposed to not explode here? FINE. Let's dig deeper into the life of Jesse Jaymes:
Itzler is the co-founder of Sheets energy strips, a dissolvable energy-supplement brand that has made a splash in recent months with its "I Take a Sheet" advertising campaign. He counts LeBron James among his co-founders and vocal artists Drake and Pitbull among his partners.
Well we kinda HAVE to watch one of those commercials, don't we?



I wanna take a sheet on Tom Crean's couch!

*I have not seen The Wolf of Wall Street, but I will safely assume this is exactly what happened in the movie.