Friday, October 25, 2019

at #3 Ohio State

It is POSSIBLE my arrogance got the best of me. I won't deny that. This wasn't the first time I looked at the schedule and decided very early that this was the kind of Saturday I could ease into. We went to Superdawg and I treated myself to a Whoopercheesie WITH a bonus Superdawg. LIVING. Of course, I was checking on my phone the entire time and at no point did I actually think that would happen.

But it did. And it sucked. But we're still here, and OSU is still on the horizon. So whatever we move on and who knows what happens Saturday but at this point it's a reverse house money situation. Lose and oh well the season was already ruined a week ago. Win and WHOA HEY LOOK OUT Bucky's back in the picture.

That's glass half full living and there's no other way to look at a terrible loss other than 'oh well that was a kick in the dick but on we go'.




WHO/WHERE/WHEN



TV: FOX
WEATHER: CHILLY, MOURNING WEATHER


Friday, October 11, 2019

Michigan State

Has anyone figured out the age at which you actually care about homecoming? I am prepared to announce it is not anything under 34, because not the once have I cared at all that OMG IT’S HOMECOMING! Just doesn’t resonate with me. I’m a longstanding member of Team #NormalMadisonWeekend when it comes to picking your pilgrimage weekend in the fall. I think that makes me old in that I hate overly crowded scenes, but not SO old that I cherish the spirit of homecoming. So lovely living in this abyss betwixt kinda old but not yet super old. TIME TICKS FOR US ALL.

Ignoring the pomp and spirit of homecoming, this IS a big weekend in Madison. I don’t care what their record is or what happened to them the week before, MSU is always on my radar. My spidey sense is firmly tingled. Threat level remains at midnight when they’re in town. There simply is no way to shed the nightmare that was that game. I think it’s healthy to get to a point in life when you no longer let sporting events ruin more than like 17 minutes of your life, and for the most part I’ve done that. But if you bring up that GODDAMN HAIL MARY or the Duke National Championship game then I am going to immediately cease communications and leave. The world would be better if those games never happened, and this is objective. Fact. Bullshit on ALL LEVELS.

This is a long way of saying there’s no sleeping on Michigan State. We are not fast tracking this thing to the showdown in Columbus. Ain’t nobody got time for looking ahead and tapping the cruise control. These guys got smacked around and would love another chance at a signature win, and we are NOBODY’S signature win. Go back to East Lansing.





WHO/WHERE/WHEN


TV: BTN
WEATHER: WHOA HEY HELLO 40s, THAT HAPPENED QUICKLY


Friday, September 27, 2019

Northwestern

You're looking LIVE at Scott Bell's mentions:





I hold no actual ill will towards Scotty B. Let's make that as obvious as it needs to be. He's just a Michigan dork tossing out fart projections into the Twitter wind. No way he actually expected a mini viral moment of shame with this projection de la basura.

And it was a TRASH evaluation. Wisconsin dominated Michigan in literally every facet of the game of football. Harbaugh had NOTHING to say while Chryst was converting fourth downs in his eyes. Taylor would've rushed for 350 if he didn't get cramps. Coan was slinging fourth down dimes just to show off. You name it, and Wisconsin crushed it. Glorious Saturday, and we've officially entered 'hmmmmmmm what do we have here?' mode going forward.

It's all on the table, and next up is a date with the nerdery. Given how inept Northwestern has been, I'm officially putting Wisconsin on HIGH NERD ALERT for the weekend. No looking past. We are down to our 4th and 5th string safeties for the first half against a team that has had no problems pulling shenanigans out of their butts to annoy us in the past.

Let's go get 'em.



WHO/WHERE/WHEN



TV: ABC
WEATHER: LITTLE BIT A SUN, LITTLE BIT A CLOUD, 60


Friday, September 20, 2019

#11 Michigan

OOOOOO we got a big one this weekend. A double top-15 matchup against an annoying conference opponent at Camp Randall in September? Unheard of. Preposterous. Incredulous.

Unfortunately - and I hate to do this - there's some bad news: we're going to lose. That's not my prediction, that's not what Vegas thinks, and that's not an opinion. It's a fact:



There it is. SCIENCE. Michigan clearly has the edge at every position, therefore the game is over and we lose. Go for a bike ride Saturday morning. Check out a farmer's market. There's no point in watching since Scott Bell has SPOILED the results of the yet-to-be-played game and shown us clearly, scientifically, and objectively that Michigan is better at football.

I'm just as saddened by this news as you are. Good thing the B1G West title is still up for grabs. We'll have to find another opportunity for that signature win.

PS - Scott Bell can eat a butt

PPS - Let's STOMP these clownhonkeys



WHO/WHERE/WHEN


TV: FOX
WEATHER: SCATTERED STORMS, LOW 70'S, JTT WEATHER


Friday, September 6, 2019

Central Michigan

Not much else you can ask for. I mean, sure, Coan could've hit those bombs to Q. Nelson could've been out of the game when it was blowout city. Taylor could've had 300 more rushing yards to really feed the Heisman campaign.

But a 49-0 win on the road against an actual opponent is a damn near perfect season opener. Summer is hanging around to its final breath, football is fully upon us, and Camp Randall is ready to shake off the rust.

Let's all enjoy the calm before the storm. Go outside and drink a beer with your friends.



WHO/WHERE/WHEN



TV: BTN
WEATHER: LOW 70's WITH ONLY A MINOR CHANCE OF SUNBURN


Friday, August 30, 2019

at South Florida


THE GAMEDAY DANCING DMITRI GIF IS HERE AND THAT ONLY MEANS ONE THING: Badger footbaw is back. Who do we have to pay to guarantee we have Friday night season openers for the next decade? I LOVE it. Gimme the Friday night party over the 11 am hangover special any day.

And quite the curious season we have in front of us. I think everyone feels confident this team is better than whatever the hell happened last year, but the schedule has also moved up several notches on the difficulty scale. That means two things to me:

  1. This is a very tricky season to forecast
  2. This should be a lot more fun to watch that last year
I suppose it starts under center, where the Horn Dawg has fled and the Coan Hound has risen. I, like pretty much every single Badger fan in the world, was hoping Mertz was going to step on campus and immediately ASSERT DOMINANCE. I had my #Heismertz hashtag ready, drooled over the All-American game highlights, and was counting down the seconds until he made his debut.

But Chryst had other thoughts. Lame as it may sound, we kinda have to defer to the guy we used to refer to as a quarterback guru. A little of the luster has faded in recent years, but I'm choosing the timeline where Coan was just that much better than Mertz in camp. It's not that Mertz was bad, just that Coan was good. We officially have an 'it's not you it's me' quarterback room. WHATEVER.

At the end of the day, this is the Jonathan Taylor show and 5,000 yards isn't out of the question for him this season. Last week I pulled up his 2018 highlight tape on my way home and I think I honestly forgot just how absurd he is. If Coan and his suddenly stronger group of receivers can provide the play action juice, this offense should put up some big numbers.

It's also just a lot more fun to be optimistic before the season has kicked off. Like I'm ever gonna sit here and tell you how miserable the year is gonna be.

Let's go beat South Florida.




WHO/WHERE/WHEN


TV: ESPN
WEATHER: CLOUDY, MAYBE A LIL' RAIN, 80


Wednesday, December 26, 2018

Pinstripe Bowl vs. Miami Presented by Will's Northwoods Inn


You read that right, amigo. This week we are partnering with Will's to get you ready for the NEW ERA PINSTRIPE BOWL. Wooo, New Era Pinstripe Bowl after the most disappointing season in recent memory! Woooooo!

Listen, I'm with you: it's not easy getting excited about playing Miami AGAIN in a mid-week random name bowl game. But this is the last hurrah for Badger football this year, and it IS a great excuse to take a shower tomorrow and leave your house. We're in that bizarre zone between Christmas and New Year's where no one's really sure what day it is and the idea of setting an alarm on your phone is foreign. Take a shower, put on some non-sweatpants, and join the party at Will's.

Speaking of which, here are my WILL'S PRO-TIPS:

1) You can open a tab at one bar and buy drinks on that tab at the other bars. Do not box yourself in.

2) Get there early enough (before the gameday menu flips over) and get the best thing they make: chicken parm sandwich with tots. I even go as far as getting a side of jalapenos and adding them to them. Italian Mexican fusion at a Wisconsin sports bar!

3) Screaming 'NEW NUMBER' within .75 seconds of a raffle number being announced actually does increase the chances of them picking a new number!

4) You can buy food off the grill using your tab at the bar. Cash only is a thing of the past.

5) Tip often and tip well. Gamedays are a zoo and it can't be easy dealing with idiots like us after the 7th giant bucket of Miller Latte.



WHO/WHERE/WHEN



TV: ESPN
WEATHER: I WONDER IF THE ANNOUNCERS WILL TALK ABOUT HOW MIAMI DOESN'T LIKE PLAYING IN COLD WEATHER