Friday, November 16, 2018

at Purdue

At this point it's clear the Badgers and the Packers are in a race to see who can disappoint their fans more, and we are all losing in this competition. I don't know what else to say. There are some great individual players on both teams, but combined the teams themselves are just mediocre. Greatly frustrating in all directions.

So let's not dig any deeper. Instead, SANDWICH POWER RANKINGS:

1) French Dip. Warm, sliced prime rib on a perfect roll with a bucket of au jus for dipping. Sop that juice up. Dip the fries in there too. Go wild. This is what heaven looks like.

2) Pastrami & corned beef with swiss on toasted rye. The sandwich has to be hot. And if you get some pastrami and corned beef warmed up and working together, nothing is impossible.

3) Breakfast meat, egg, & cheese. It doesn't even matter what bread you go with (bagel, croissant, MCGRIDDLE PATTIES). Nor does it REALLY matter which meat you use (anything from bacon to sausage to chorizo plays just fine). All that matters is that the yolk is runny, there's good hot sauce available, and you have additional breakfast meat and taters on the side to sop up all the overflow yolk.

4) Hot chicken with pickles and some slaw. The Hot Chicken Revolution has been welcomed with open arms. All bout that life. Biscuit or brioche. Hot as possible. I want that chicken coated in whatever the hell is in that dark spice rub that you can tell is really freaking hot because it's in the seasoning more than in the sauce. Roost, you complete me.

5) Bahn mi. Spicy peppers, sweetness in the marinated meat, perfect crusty bread and the right amount of crunchiness from the rest of the veggies. Can I dunk a bahn mi in some au jus and call it VIETNAMESE AMERICAN FUSION? I have a theory that all of the best fusion restaurants use an Asian cuisine as one of the molecules.

JUST MISSED: Tortas, Italian beef, buffalo chicken with ranch, chicken parm

Now please roast me alive about the obvious mistakes I've made and how deeply offended you are by my fickle sandwich preferences.

PPS - no a hot dog is not a sandwich, and including burgers here felt weird. Burgers are their own category of food.

PPPS - never been a big grilled cheese fan. In my eyes it's the Beatles of the sandwich world: I understand everyone loves it and looks at it like it's the best thing ever, but I don't dig it myself. 



WHO/WHERE/WHEN


TV: BTN
WEATHER: CHILLY, RAINY, COULDN'T PAY ME ENOUGH MONEY TO SIT IN THE STAND AT THIS ONE


Friday, November 9, 2018

at #20 Penn State

Voting and family obligations kept me away from a TV on Saturday, and it looked like I didn't miss much. That's fine. Well, Hornibrook getting another concussion is certainly awful, but I don't think it matters who plays quarterback this year. This team simply isn't very good, and they're going to have to scrap and claw their way to a solid bowl game to salvage this season.

The edge is off, though. The shine is gone. Time to take Badger gamedays for what they are at their core: perfect opportunities to day drink with friends and live your best life. That's what I plan on doing the rest of the season. Join me.



WHO/WHERE/WHEN





TV: ABC
WEATHER: 30s AND SOME SUN, ALSO THE SUN SETS AT 4:30 AND LIFE IS COLD AND SAD


Friday, November 2, 2018

Rutgers

Hey you! Possibly random person on the internet that I've never met that's reading this! Hear me out for a second as we take a week off from reeling in the Coan Hypemobile and wondering if we beat Northwestern with a healthy Hornibrook. There's something else we need to talk about this week: voting.

That's right - I'm getting RISQUÉ POLITICAL on this here pseudo-sports blog thingy. But I'm not going to pick a side or tell you who to vote for (OR AM I no I'm not). I just want to use this pathetic excuse for a platform to remind, encourage, and implore you to get out and vote in these elections.

Why? Well, it's downright insane how low voter turnouts are in this country. I don't understand it. Is it laziness? Ignorance? The foolish mindset that 'well my vote is just one of a billion, it doesn't matter'? Probably a combination of all of the above. And I used to be one of those 'my vote doesn't count' fools! This is me acknowledging that I once was dumb and lazy when it came to voting! But as our Founding Fathers said: If I can change, and you can change, everybody can change!

So find your damn polling place (wanna vote early and don't know where to go? BANG you're welcome). Put time in your calendar so you don't have any excuses about finding the time. Annoy your friends into submission if they're not feeling patriotic. There are literally no excuses.

It's quick. It's important. It's one of the things that theoretically allows America to thrive as the land of the free, the home of the American Dream, and the best country in the world.

And those things mean something to me even in a time when America is more divided than it ever should be. They should mean something to you as well unless you're reading this from Thailand.

Find your polling location. Vote early if you can. Vote on Tuesday if you can't vote early.

Vote.



WHO/WHERE/WHEN




TV: BTN
WEATHER: 40s AND BORING AF


Friday, October 26, 2018

at Northwestern

Thought I ran out of spin zones last week? BREAKING SPIN ZONE NEWS: it's possible Horn Dawg has been playing with a concussion ALL YEAR. In your FACE 'Hornibrook sucks' take! If you ask me, this is the only way to explain his up and (very) down play this season.

And while an injury is never something we want to see, I will say that I am MILDLY curious about the Jack Coan Show. After the first offensive series I will be adequately prepared to kick off the bandwagon or beat my chest about Horn Dawg starting for a reason over him. Gotta go with those gut reactions. Ain't nobody got time for measured, thoughtful analysis.

The other unfortunate thing in play is that Coan may have to make his first career start in Evanston at that toilet bowl of a stadium against Les Nerdès. Gross. It's no secret we've had all sorts of weird games there. Wind. Rain. Fumbles. Inexplicable QB management (start Tanner McEvoy and then bring in Stave cold off the bench and then call a pass on 1st and goal on the 3 in a game where MGIII ran for 260 yards because Gary Andersen was a stable genius).

I hope Hornibrook is okay and leads a UW resurgence that ends with us destroying Michigan's hopes and dreams in Indy. But if he's not good to go, then let the Coan era begin with a triumph on Chicago's north side this weekend. #RagingCoaner



WHO/WHERE/WHEN



TV: FOX
WEATHER: HIGH OF 50 AND SOME SUN, WHICH MEANS THE MONSOON WILL BE OF THE SURPRISE VARIETY


Friday, October 19, 2018

Illinois

If the 500 message grouptext I had with my friends debating whether or not Hornibrook is objectively terrible is any indication, this is going to be a HARD spin zone this week. There's no way of describing that game other than calling it what it was: a complete and utter failure. Hornibrook? What the hell was that. Chryst? 3rd and 3 from their 40 and you pass and then punt because WHY. Penalty for roughing the snapper? A Harbaugh-infused pile of bullshit the size of Montana.

I could go on, but there's no reason to. We were outcoached and outplayed on the road by a better team. It happens and it sucks and we are all perfectly aware that the world was wrong about the 2018 Wisconsin football team. Whatever.



WHO/WHERE/WHEN


TV: FS1
WEATHER: RAINY, 40s, PERFECT WEATHER FOR AN FS1 'OUR SEASON'S A SHAM' 11am GAME


Friday, October 12, 2018

at #12 Michigan

Ohhhh LAWD do we have a big one this weekend. Labeling a game as a MUST WIN is frequently an exercise in stupidity, but stick with me as I deem this trip to the Big House a MUST WIN for both teams. That's right, we are talking simultaneous double jeopardy threat level purple must win showdown. The winner of this game has a chance to rack up enough quality wins by running the table to sneak into the playoff. The loser? Straight to the Loser Bowl presented by Ponderosa Steakhouse.

We're also in a weird spot given that UW is a touchdown dog. Certainly not a situation I envisioned us being in until a potential battle with OSU, but oh well. I don't have to ramble for an hour about how we thrive as an underdog, and there's less pressure, and yada yada yada shock the world. You know all about that stuff. You're a Wisconsin fan. And I'm having trouble concentrating with Con Air playing about 17 inches away from my face on AMC right now.

So I guess there's nothing left to do but waltz into their building and reintroduce ourselves into the playoff picture. BECAUSE I AM ETERNALLY AND FOOLISHLY OPTIMISTIC.



WHO/WHERE/WHEN



TV: ABC
WEATHER: 40s BECAUSE FALL IS HERE AND IT'S FAST TRACKING US TO WINTER


Friday, October 5, 2018

Nebraska

I feel like we buried Iowa YEARS ago. YEARS AGO. What even happened in that game? I remember Horn Dawg slinging for the win and pretty much nothing else. I'm okay with that. The key is that we bounced back from the BYU debacle and steadied the ship. Equally important is that Ohio State is positioned to run the table and give us that small, small chance of beating them in Indy to backdoor into the playoff.

Do I think that will actually happen? I have no idea. Whenever you try guessing what's going to happen in college football, you inevitably look like an idiot. And I make a prediction every week, so I would know what it's like to be that idiot.

So we'll get to all those annoying scenarios and bowl projections later on. For now we welcome our best friend back to Camp Randall. And by best friend I mean the former football giant that we've been embarrassing since the day they joined the B1G. I require more embarrassment.



WHO/WHERE/WHEN


TV: BTN
WEATHER: THE SOIL IS ALREADY SATURATED AND THE RAINS ARE COMING, FLOOD PARTY!