Friday, October 11, 2019

Michigan State

Has anyone figured out the age at which you actually care about homecoming? I am prepared to announce it is not anything under 34, because not the once have I cared at all that OMG IT’S HOMECOMING! Just doesn’t resonate with me. I’m a longstanding member of Team #NormalMadisonWeekend when it comes to picking your pilgrimage weekend in the fall. I think that makes me old in that I hate overly crowded scenes, but not SO old that I cherish the spirit of homecoming. So lovely living in this abyss betwixt kinda old but not yet super old. TIME TICKS FOR US ALL.

Ignoring the pomp and spirit of homecoming, this IS a big weekend in Madison. I don’t care what their record is or what happened to them the week before, MSU is always on my radar. My spidey sense is firmly tingled. Threat level remains at midnight when they’re in town. There simply is no way to shed the nightmare that was that game. I think it’s healthy to get to a point in life when you no longer let sporting events ruin more than like 17 minutes of your life, and for the most part I’ve done that. But if you bring up that GODDAMN HAIL MARY or the Duke National Championship game then I am going to immediately cease communications and leave. The world would be better if those games never happened, and this is objective. Fact. Bullshit on ALL LEVELS.

This is a long way of saying there’s no sleeping on Michigan State. We are not fast tracking this thing to the showdown in Columbus. Ain’t nobody got time for looking ahead and tapping the cruise control. These guys got smacked around and would love another chance at a signature win, and we are NOBODY’S signature win. Go back to East Lansing.



Friday, September 27, 2019


You're looking LIVE at Scott Bell's mentions:

I hold no actual ill will towards Scotty B. Let's make that as obvious as it needs to be. He's just a Michigan dork tossing out fart projections into the Twitter wind. No way he actually expected a mini viral moment of shame with this projection de la basura.

And it was a TRASH evaluation. Wisconsin dominated Michigan in literally every facet of the game of football. Harbaugh had NOTHING to say while Chryst was converting fourth downs in his eyes. Taylor would've rushed for 350 if he didn't get cramps. Coan was slinging fourth down dimes just to show off. You name it, and Wisconsin crushed it. Glorious Saturday, and we've officially entered 'hmmmmmmm what do we have here?' mode going forward.

It's all on the table, and next up is a date with the nerdery. Given how inept Northwestern has been, I'm officially putting Wisconsin on HIGH NERD ALERT for the weekend. No looking past. We are down to our 4th and 5th string safeties for the first half against a team that has had no problems pulling shenanigans out of their butts to annoy us in the past.

Let's go get 'em.



Friday, September 20, 2019

#11 Michigan

OOOOOO we got a big one this weekend. A double top-15 matchup against an annoying conference opponent at Camp Randall in September? Unheard of. Preposterous. Incredulous.

Unfortunately - and I hate to do this - there's some bad news: we're going to lose. That's not my prediction, that's not what Vegas thinks, and that's not an opinion. It's a fact:

There it is. SCIENCE. Michigan clearly has the edge at every position, therefore the game is over and we lose. Go for a bike ride Saturday morning. Check out a farmer's market. There's no point in watching since Scott Bell has SPOILED the results of the yet-to-be-played game and shown us clearly, scientifically, and objectively that Michigan is better at football.

I'm just as saddened by this news as you are. Good thing the B1G West title is still up for grabs. We'll have to find another opportunity for that signature win.

PS - Scott Bell can eat a butt

PPS - Let's STOMP these clownhonkeys



Friday, September 6, 2019

Central Michigan

Not much else you can ask for. I mean, sure, Coan could've hit those bombs to Q. Nelson could've been out of the game when it was blowout city. Taylor could've had 300 more rushing yards to really feed the Heisman campaign.

But a 49-0 win on the road against an actual opponent is a damn near perfect season opener. Summer is hanging around to its final breath, football is fully upon us, and Camp Randall is ready to shake off the rust.

Let's all enjoy the calm before the storm. Go outside and drink a beer with your friends.



Friday, August 30, 2019

at South Florida

THE GAMEDAY DANCING DMITRI GIF IS HERE AND THAT ONLY MEANS ONE THING: Badger footbaw is back. Who do we have to pay to guarantee we have Friday night season openers for the next decade? I LOVE it. Gimme the Friday night party over the 11 am hangover special any day.

And quite the curious season we have in front of us. I think everyone feels confident this team is better than whatever the hell happened last year, but the schedule has also moved up several notches on the difficulty scale. That means two things to me:

  1. This is a very tricky season to forecast
  2. This should be a lot more fun to watch that last year
I suppose it starts under center, where the Horn Dawg has fled and the Coan Hound has risen. I, like pretty much every single Badger fan in the world, was hoping Mertz was going to step on campus and immediately ASSERT DOMINANCE. I had my #Heismertz hashtag ready, drooled over the All-American game highlights, and was counting down the seconds until he made his debut.

But Chryst had other thoughts. Lame as it may sound, we kinda have to defer to the guy we used to refer to as a quarterback guru. A little of the luster has faded in recent years, but I'm choosing the timeline where Coan was just that much better than Mertz in camp. It's not that Mertz was bad, just that Coan was good. We officially have an 'it's not you it's me' quarterback room. WHATEVER.

At the end of the day, this is the Jonathan Taylor show and 5,000 yards isn't out of the question for him this season. Last week I pulled up his 2018 highlight tape on my way home and I think I honestly forgot just how absurd he is. If Coan and his suddenly stronger group of receivers can provide the play action juice, this offense should put up some big numbers.

It's also just a lot more fun to be optimistic before the season has kicked off. Like I'm ever gonna sit here and tell you how miserable the year is gonna be.

Let's go beat South Florida.



Wednesday, December 26, 2018

Pinstripe Bowl vs. Miami Presented by Will's Northwoods Inn

You read that right, amigo. This week we are partnering with Will's to get you ready for the NEW ERA PINSTRIPE BOWL. Wooo, New Era Pinstripe Bowl after the most disappointing season in recent memory! Woooooo!

Listen, I'm with you: it's not easy getting excited about playing Miami AGAIN in a mid-week random name bowl game. But this is the last hurrah for Badger football this year, and it IS a great excuse to take a shower tomorrow and leave your house. We're in that bizarre zone between Christmas and New Year's where no one's really sure what day it is and the idea of setting an alarm on your phone is foreign. Take a shower, put on some non-sweatpants, and join the party at Will's.

Speaking of which, here are my WILL'S PRO-TIPS:

1) You can open a tab at one bar and buy drinks on that tab at the other bars. Do not box yourself in.

2) Get there early enough (before the gameday menu flips over) and get the best thing they make: chicken parm sandwich with tots. I even go as far as getting a side of jalapenos and adding them to them. Italian Mexican fusion at a Wisconsin sports bar!

3) Screaming 'NEW NUMBER' within .75 seconds of a raffle number being announced actually does increase the chances of them picking a new number!

4) You can buy food off the grill using your tab at the bar. Cash only is a thing of the past.

5) Tip often and tip well. Gamedays are a zoo and it can't be easy dealing with idiots like us after the 7th giant bucket of Miller Latte.



Friday, November 16, 2018

at Purdue

At this point it's clear the Badgers and the Packers are in a race to see who can disappoint their fans more, and we are all losing in this competition. I don't know what else to say. There are some great individual players on both teams, but combined the teams themselves are just mediocre. Greatly frustrating in all directions.

So let's not dig any deeper. Instead, SANDWICH POWER RANKINGS:

1) French Dip. Warm, sliced prime rib on a perfect roll with a bucket of au jus for dipping. Sop that juice up. Dip the fries in there too. Go wild. This is what heaven looks like.

2) Pastrami & corned beef with swiss on toasted rye. The sandwich has to be hot. And if you get some pastrami and corned beef warmed up and working together, nothing is impossible.

3) Breakfast meat, egg, & cheese. It doesn't even matter what bread you go with (bagel, croissant, MCGRIDDLE PATTIES). Nor does it REALLY matter which meat you use (anything from bacon to sausage to chorizo plays just fine). All that matters is that the yolk is runny, there's good hot sauce available, and you have additional breakfast meat and taters on the side to sop up all the overflow yolk.

4) Hot chicken with pickles and some slaw. The Hot Chicken Revolution has been welcomed with open arms. All bout that life. Biscuit or brioche. Hot as possible. I want that chicken coated in whatever the hell is in that dark spice rub that you can tell is really freaking hot because it's in the seasoning more than in the sauce. Roost, you complete me.

5) Bahn mi. Spicy peppers, sweetness in the marinated meat, perfect crusty bread and the right amount of crunchiness from the rest of the veggies. Can I dunk a bahn mi in some au jus and call it VIETNAMESE AMERICAN FUSION? I have a theory that all of the best fusion restaurants use an Asian cuisine as one of the molecules.

JUST MISSED: Tortas, Italian beef, buffalo chicken with ranch, chicken parm

Now please roast me alive about the obvious mistakes I've made and how deeply offended you are by my fickle sandwich preferences.

PPS - no a hot dog is not a sandwich, and including burgers here felt weird. Burgers are their own category of food.

PPPS - never been a big grilled cheese fan. In my eyes it's the Beatles of the sandwich world: I understand everyone loves it and looks at it like it's the best thing ever, but I don't dig it myself.