Thursday, November 27, 2014

#18 Minnesota

Kind of unfortunate that Thanksgiving and #HateWeek have to coincide. Last thing we should be doing this week is hating, but Minnesota is coming to town and this is the biggest UW/Minny game in at least a decade. That requires proper hating. I'm sorry, Swiftness.

#HateWeek

Sure, I could point out (again) that the last time Minnesota beat Wisconsin in football YouTube wasn't invented yet. I could probably google up a bunch of fun little facts like that. But let's let the flagship @UWMadison and official @UWBuckyBadger Twitter accounts handle the burnage.



Okay I'm also distracted with the cuteness. NEEDS MORE HATE



Nothing better than grabbing some logs and building a nice fire this week. Eat it, Goldy.



Oh man, I love that for like a million reasons. Poor Kelsey Finger (terrible name) didn't even mention @UWMadison, and yet they came flying in out of nowhere to roast her brain. That's excellent hustle.

PS - Admittedly, all the alumni/alumna/alumnae/alumnus stuff is really confusing. Part of me felt kinda bad for Kelsey Fingerlinger but then the other part of me went back to laughing at this girl's mentions when the hot fire burn got retweeted like 200 times in her eyes.

PPS - Not a lot of love for Minnesota in the Google Game:



PPPS - I don't know if you've heard, but they're changing up the Axe procedure on Saturday:
The axe, a longtime symbol of the rivalry, will remain in the UW locker room until late in the game. Once it becomes clear which team will win, the axe will be placed in the end zone nearest the locker room of the winning team. UW's locker room is near the north end zone; Minnesota's locker room is near the south end zone.
This all stems from the game last year, when the Badgers (obviously) won and then went to chop down some Gopher goalposts - AS IS TRADITION. They waited for Minnesota to sing their lame ass fight song and then tried getting all lumbersexual on the field... only to have the pathetic Gophers HOLD THE LINE and prevent them from chopping. This is stupid. Things started getting heated, and it was about to be a full-on riot if some coaches didn't get in there and de-escalate.

So I'm guessing after we win on Saturday, we'll stand around and let the proper amount of time pass, allow Minnesota to go in the locker room, shower, board their bus, and then we'll gets to the chopping.

Fucking with tradition when you really don't need to. Not a fan.



CHICAGO BADGERS: Oh, hello Mr. 2:30 Game, nice to see you again. Unfortunately, Thanksgiving makes it tough to round up a crew. I'm sure people have retreated to their home bases. Enjoy your weekend, peoples.

IT'S THAT TIME OF THE YEAR: LAST CALL FOR MOVEMBER DONATIONS. True story: my boss was shocked and upset that I had more money raised than him. So if you donate, you can help me beat my boss! Wait, this sounds like the opposite of what I should be doing. You can donate HERE.



WHO/WHERE/WHEN


TV: BTN
WEATHER: 30'S, KINDA CLOUDY, 95% CHANCE OF GOPHER TEARS



Thursday, November 20, 2014

at Iowa


This picture is amazing.

Well. Can't say I was expecting that to happen. Seriously, just look at this line:



That's absurd. On so many levels. That entire game was. 4 fumbles - 3 of them lost - in the first 20 minutes? Down 17-3? Rattling off 56 straight points against what was considered a good defense in a huge game with B1G title implications?

Hard to process. On the flip side, it's much easier to process how utterly dominant we are against Nebraska since they joined the B1G. The 3 wins have been absolute boneshows, and the one loss was in Lincoln and yeah we don't need to revisit how stupid that game was. But I love it all. Nebraska came into the B1G thinking they were just gonna push everyone around and plant their flag. LOL. That worked out real well.

The march to Indy continues.*


*Already dreading #conflictcity. UW/Marquette in Milwaukee that morning, B1G Championship Game in Indy that night, and sitting on tickets for Walk The Moon in Chicago that night as well. #firstworldproblems, coming in HOT.

PS - Love this x1000:




CHICAGO BADGERS: 2:30 GAME 2:30 GAME 2:30 GAME 2:30 GAME OH YEAHHHHH. THERE IS NOTHING BETTER. Well, there are several things better. Like night games and chocolate milk. But still! 2:30 GAME! Wasn't last week fun? I think it was a blast! Everyone was over their hangovers and having fun and we shook it off after the game like there was no shakemorrow. Let's do that all again!

IT'S THAT TIME OF THE YEAR: I've been thoroughly enjoying my co-workers discovering the #blondestache. Only at certain angles in certain lighting can you really tell what this abomination looks like. I HATE IT. Toothpaste gets stuck in it. It itches. It makes me look like someone you wouldn't let near your children, even though I am well above average at hanging with kids. I think it's because I easily get on their level. LEGOS? FUCK YEAH I CAN BUILD A BETTER CASTLE THAN YOU. Wrestling time? LOL, good luck, I'm gonna crush you. So, yeah, I'm in misery and you should donate to make it all worthwhile.



WHO/WHERE/WHEN


TV: ABC, LET'S DO IT AGAIN
WEATHER: 40'S, RAIN, BLEH



Thursday, November 13, 2014

#13 Nebraska

Do you want to know what my biggest problem is right now? I WISH I liked this T-$wift/Kendrick mash up more than I do. I wanted to love this. Anything 'Shake It Up' should be gold and then some. But WHOA look out, the Hood Internet (what is that) mash up has already been deleted off the internet! You want me to guess why? BIG RECORD LABEL caught wind of someone using 'Shake It Off' without giving them 104% of the proceeds and IMMEDIATELY issued a cease and desist. That's how the music industry works these days.

And that's why I'm STILL pissed at Taylor for excommunicating herself from Spotify. The CEO of Spotify absolutely nailed it with this post. Dear god, how many weeks can I lead with Taylor? This is downright crazy. I'm moving on. #luvuSwiftness

PS - Did deeper googling and apparently it's NOT actually removed from the internet. That's awesome! But if it were up to me, this is still a million times better:



I do not care what your thoughts are on this video. The energy alone carries this shit to the top. Only thing I would change is making them not dress like insane asylum escapees. And also I would let Kendrick swear because every time it cuts out for a naughty word I have to check my speakers to make sure they still work.

PS - It's probably weird that I get goosebumps from this jam, but I do.

PPS - Even after I wrote about it, I still checked my headphones cable to make sure it was plugged in when they censored for swear words. Ugh.



CHICAGO BADGERS: You know what? I think Will's is gonna be POPPIN' this weekend. It's a huge game, it's at 2:30, all signs point towards 'Shake It Off' blaring at 2:25 on Saturday and us raging until we beat those losers from Lincoln. I know things have been tame lately, but let's bring it back in a hurry. Football in the home stretch, LET'S DO THIS

IT'S THAT TIME OF THE YEAR: My #blondestache is disgusting and it's itchy and I hate it and you should donate so I can justify my existence. HERE you go. Thank you.



WHO/WHERE/WHEN


TV: ABC, BACK IN THE GAME!
WEATHER: 30, SNOW, DO THIS, DO IT SO HARD IN THEIR FACES



Thursday, November 6, 2014

at Purdue

Well. Ain't that some shit. Walking out my building Monday morning, I did what any warm blooded American male in his 20s would do: pulled out my phone, popped in the 'buds, and went to fire up some T-$wift. Every good day starts with shaking, something I've always believed. But what the fuck? 'Shake It Off' isn't in its usual place at the top of my favorites playlist. And it's not in my other playlists I've added it to. Hmmm. Maybe someone TAMPERED with my Spotify playlists. Domestic terrorism at its finest. NO WORRIES. I'll just search for Taylor... Sw... THERE SHE IS! BOOM, BACK IN THE GAME. Now I just star 'Shake It Off' and... wait. Where is 'Shake It Off'?! Where is all the Swiftness?

Predictably, I had basically the worst day of all-time. I don't even care that she removed her entire back catalogue. But shakeblocking me is way too much. Yeah, I get it: she makes more money off CD purchases and iTunes downloads, so removing from Spotify funnels people towards those avenues. But it also reminds me of everything I HATE about the music industry. Here I am, paying money for Spotify every month like a good little boy, and T-$wift just takes a dump in my face like I'm some dirty internet pirate.

Naturally, I cried on Twitter because I don't know any other way to cope with tragedy. Turns out, I wasn't alone:



Did Spotify Support just call me 'b'? Clearly everyone is rattled here. Yeah, we can always YouTube songs... but what about on the Red Line in the spooky tunnels when there's no service? What THEN?

Really been through an emotional Swift roller coaster these last few weeks. First I was down, then I was way up, now I'm rock bottom.

PS - Can I be the first one to point out that ripping your music from Spotify is SUCH a hate hate hater move?



CHICAGO BADGERS: Who's excited to start watching big hoops games at Will's? I AM I AM I AM. So far I've done a pretty good job of not gushing about the hoops team here - that will change. And soon. In case you didn't know, the season officially tips off next Friday. Big games are on the horizon. We are going to be so good. SO GOOD, SO GOOD

IT'S THAT TIME OF THE YEAR: MOVEMBER has arrived. Per usual, I'll be growing out my heinous attempt at a mustache. If you'd like to donate to support the #blondestache and everything it's doing to help men's health, feel free to click HERE and donate. I appreciate your generosity and care.



WHO/WHERE/WHEN


TV: ESPNU, THAT SOME BULLSHIT
WEATHER: 40s, CLOUDY, WEST LAFAYETTE IS WHERE DREAMS GO TO DIE



Thursday, October 30, 2014

at Rutgers

Observations from Madison:
  • CRANES EVERYWHERE. I love the people that cry about the city building itself up a little. 'GONNA LOSE THAT SMALL TOWN CHARM I LOVE'. Dumbest thing in the world. If you don't modernize, in 15 years every building looks like that really shitty little house that used to be across the street from Riley's/420. You do not want a city full of that shitty little house that used to be across the street from Riley's/420. Madison is all CUTTING EDGE with small town charm. That requires some new, hot looking buildings with rooftop pools and additional BBQ restaurants. Fucking love Madison 2.0.
  • One time not long ago I remarked that I loved when girls wore all those red/black flannels on gamedays. Someone quickly pointed out how absurdly Sconnie it is to find that look supremely attractive compared to the 'standard' gameday getups around the country. Touche. But still, hellllo.
  • The KK is still exactly what the KK has always been. A dungeon that people trick themselves into believing is the best bar on the planet. I'll never fully understand it. But I at least went with the flow and enjoyed myself because of the company, not because of the location. Plus, anytime two large people are basically having sex at the bar at like 7 PM, you can sit back and smile:

FYI her hand is up his shirt there. That giant man has a shirt held together by the two middle buttons, which is some kind of sorcery. It's also in the most visible part of the KK (front bar, right by the entrance). Eventually one of her friends came by and gave her the 'I think you're really drunk and should go home before you accidentally have sex on top of the bar and people take Snapchats of it, k hun?' speech. That's both the best and the worst friend possible. We may or may not have booed her.
  • Everyone knows that the REAL KK is the Karaoke Kid. I could not speak on Sunday or Monday because my voice was thrashed from belting out 'Sex on Fire', 'Since U Been Gone', and a million other hot jams. Karaoke Kid is just a strange little spot. It's basically a hallway of a bar that I think sells sake bombs and is owned by an old Asian lady (PERHAPS THE ASIAN FROM RILEY'S? perhapsnot) and has killer karaoke. Great way to be drunk and act out and not feel completely psycho.
  • Is it me or does every place with a parking lot now do OFFICIAL gameday parties? The fucking HONG KONG CAFE was throwing DOWN in their parking lot. Rocky's was one-in one-out just to booze there, let alone chew. I've never seen this before. Maybe I never walked down Regent in a sober enough mindset to appreciate it, but it's absolutely beautiful and glorious and Wisconsin that any property with a square foot of pavement is selling beer and playing music.
  • Speaking of music, fully on board with T-$wift Shake It Off. I don't think she's really that good of a singer, but if she can write hooks like that song then it doesn't even matter. Fucking danced my face off to that song all weekend at every opportunity possible. I wanna release a remix of it that just does the chorus again instead of the brutal white girl rap part. Damnit Taylor. Don't you remember what happens when you try to look too cool?



Oh fuck me, I'm hate hate hate hate hate hating aren't I? I'M SORRY T-$WIFT
  • The food at Camp Randall still sucks. Boring hot dogs. Plain brats. I finally found the ONE different stand that sold some sausage sampler platter and drunk Brandon was EXCITED. Meh. It was 3 interesting mini sausages on buns with no fun cheeses or sauces or toppings and oh god I just need Hot Doug's back in my life. Anyway, for a fucking state FAMOUS for the kind of food made for stadium concessions, Camp Randall gets 0 curds out of 10.
  • Asian Kitchen, still fire.
Good times, as always.

PS - If you think I've been doing anything other than listening to Shake It Off while shakewriting this entire section then you're out of your damn mind. If my friends from Will's are reading this, I think we know what the new pre-game song has to be. TIMBER OUT. T-$WIFT IN. #ONSHAKESCONSIN



CHICAGO BADGERS: Post-Halloween 11 AM gamedays really separate the men and women from the boys and girls. Don't be a boy or girl. Be a man or a woman.




WHO/WHERE/WHEN


TV: ESPN
WEATHER: 40s, RAINY, SWEET WEATHER YOU GOT THERE RUTGERS




Thursday, October 23, 2014

Maryland

So I'm going up to Madison this weekend. I'll probably end up at Camp Randall for the game, and I'm sure I'll drink a million beers regardless of where I go. But on an email chain planning out the weekend, one of the guys tossed out going to L'Etoile Friday night for dinner. Couple problems with this in my mind:
  1. I've literally NEVER been to a restaurant with a name I can't pronounce and enjoyed myself.
  2. When I think of all the beautiful booze I could buy with that money, I start to tear up.
  3. I know for a fact that I would be SIGNIFICANTLY happier eating at Rocky's than I would eating at Frenchy McFrencherville's.
I'm aware that I'm in the minority for that. Everything dictates that because this is a really nice, fancy place with a chef that people have probably heard of, the experience would be OUT OF BOUNDS. But I don't dig on that. I'm also a firm believer that when you have a group of 8 bros, you don't need to spend every waking second of a weekend trip together. I have zero intention of preventing the group from feeding each other pan-seared scallops with asparagus puree and a sprinkling of deconstructed zucchini pasta HAND-CRAFTED by Chef Moinsoreé. If you get down on that, power to you.

But I'll be much happier with a fine Sausage pizza thrown in the oven by Chet, the sophomore from Janesville working the Friday night shift at the Rocky's on Regent. You can get fancy Maine lobster with buttercup squash beurre blanc ANYWHERE. Rocky's sausage is UNIQUE and not available in Chicago and therefore I WANT.

PS - It used to be 'How do you know you don't like it? You've never tried it!' Yeah well I've started trying all this fancy shit and I just don't like it. #TeamRockys4Life

PPS - Pretty sure for $20 you could eat like a king at Rocky's and drink like 5 beers. I don't know how anything could make more sense.

3xPS - If I make it through this entire weekend without getting Rocky's, I will be MOST
disappointed.



CHICAGO BADGERS: I think the LOFOMO (Law of FOMO) should make me want everyone to stay home and be boners since I'll be gone. But that's crazy. Go get your Wills on.



WHO/WHERE/WHEN


TV: BTN
WEATHER: 66, SUNNY, LATE OCTOBER SUNBURN HERE WE COME



Thursday, October 9, 2014

Illinois

UGH. Every inch of that game was exactly the miserable experience I expected. It wouldn't be a trip to Evanston without shitty weather, a sloppy game, overeager nerds, and a final score that makes you wonder how it was all possible. How does a team with Melvin Gordon rushing for 259 yards on 27 carries only score 14 points? How does a team that rushed 25 times for 50 yards the week before go off for 203 yards against what was a stout Wisconsin defense? How did Gary Andersen and Andy Ludwig watch Tanner McEvoy throw the ball during fall camp and decide that HE would be the starting quarterback? Oh, I know the answer to that last one! "We want a mobile quarterback who can make plays with his feet."

WELL THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD CALL PLAYS THAT UTILIZE HIS ABILITY TO MAKE PLAYS WITH HIS FEET. Read options, options, rollouts, bootlegs... you know, plays where a mobile quarterback can actually be lethal? Why don't we do any of that? Instead, we get a mobile quarterback with 1 rushing attempt for 8 yards and 10 passing attempts for 24 yards. That is on the coaches. It's not McEvoy's fault that he can't throw the damn ball. It's Andersen's and Ludwig's fault that they put him back there and asked him to be a standard pocket passer. NOT HIS STRENGTH. Here's what I saw in that Northwestern game (I was drunk and haven't re-watched it and have no desire to do so):

THE GOOD:
  • MGIII would be a top 3 Heisman contender if Stave was named the starter before the LSU game. I STILL maintain we would've beaten LSU, and no way were we going to lose to Northwestern if Stave had 4 games and 5 weeks of practice with the 1's, as opposed to coming in cold off the bench at halftime after being mentally mind-fucked by one of the worst decisions Wisconsin coaches have made in a long time. I have no idea what other kinds of mind-fucking there are, but this was a deep mental mind-fuck on Stave. Regardless, MGIII has 871 rushing yards with 7 regular season games to go. To get to 2,000 yards before a hypothetical B1G Championship Game (LOL) or mid-card bowl game (SEC boning, coming right up), he'd need to average 161 yards a game. Illinois/Maryland/@Rutgers/@Purdue/Nebraska/@Iowa/Minnesota. I'm not betting against it.
  • Stave's 4th quarter touchdown drive. Small victory, but he made two throws that McEvoy would stand no chance of making. Given how rusty he is, those two throws alone are enough to confirm what I've known for a while: Sunshine gives us our best chance at winning football games.
  • Schoolbus drinking. Big ups to Will's on filling TWO schoolbuses, allowing for maximum schoolbus drinking. Haven't been wasted on a schoolbus in a long time. Felt good.

THE BAD:
  • That Gaglianone field goal attempt. You might think it should be 'ugly' given how badly he missed it, but attempting a field goal from that distance, on that field, in those conditions... well, it was just a stupid plan to begin with. And if you want to call Gaglianone ugly, then you're an idiot.
  • In the second half, with Stave at the helm, we won 14-10. Maybe this should be under 'good'!

THE UGLY:
  • 4 Wisconsin turnovers, 0 Northwestern turnovers. That we almost came back and stole that game was incredible. You literally never deserve to win a game with the turnover margin that lopsided. Stave's goal line pick was one of the single worst decisions a quarterback can make. The playcalling was probably worse: 1st and goal from the 3 and you have the best running back in the country. Give him the rock. 4 times in a row if you have to. And if you ARE going play-action, then the call is either 'dump to the wide open guy or THROW IT THE F AWAY'. Everything about that sequence was god-awful.
  • Speaking of turnovers, our quarterbacks get ZERO help from their receivers. Stave threw some decent deep balls, and even McEvoy's pick wasn't that bad (idk, again, drunk). But if the receivers are content sitting there waiting for the ball to get to them, then they're also content watching the other team make plays on the ball and making me want to cry. Get up there, high point it, and make a damn play. Big area of concern coming into the season being validated right in front of our sad eyes.
  • The rushing defense. Just, ugh.
  • Playcalling balance. Any time MGIII racks up 260 yards on 10 yards a carry, YOU SHOULD NOT BE THROWING THE BALL MORE THAN YOU'RE FEEDING HIM. In what galaxy do you expect to get 10 yards per passing attempt with this offense? I don't care about time or situation: if you have no passing game to speak off, then you feed your Heisman-caliber running back who was in the midst of ripping their defense apart, one first down at a time.

There are probably 17 more 'uglies'. I'm over this game. Hate it. Done with it. Don't like its face.



CHICAGO BADGERS:
 I'm sure the turnout at Will's for an 11 AM game on the heels of the debacle in Evanston will be super. This is my yearly reminder that yes, even as shitty as they look, you'll YEARN for these gamedays once they're gone. Don't let a silly little thing like a hangover hold you back. Chug water, pass out, scalding hot shower, greasy food, Sugar Ray, BOOM, no more hangover. It's worked for centuries.



WHO/WHERE/WHEN


TV: ESPN2
WEATHER: 50s, MOSTLY SUNNY, SMALL CHANCE OF TEARS BECAUSE I WILL LITERALLY CRY IF WE LOSE TO ILLINOIS