Thursday, September 20, 2018

at Iowa

It's exhale time. Let it out. All that obnoxious pressure of going unbeaten is out the window. And if we the internet nerd fans feel that pressure release, one can only imagine the tension dropping in the locker room as well. So let's address some facts:

  • The BYU game sucked
  • We got out-muscled, outplayed, and out-coached
  • That loss was NOT on Gaglianone
  • That loss was NOT on Hornibrook
  • This is still a damn good team with a material chance at working its way back into playoff consideration
BELIEVE that. Run the table, beat an undefeated Ohio State on a neutral field, and anything is damn well possible.

For that to happen, however, UW needs to go into Iowa City on a Saturday night and stuff the Hawkeyes into a barrel and bury them in a cornfield. This was a huge game 3 weeks ago; it's an ENORMOUS game now. I like to think Chryst's pregame speech goes beyond his usual 2 sentences and gets the guys fired up like we haven't seen before.

Last week was rough. But there's all sorts of opportunity and season left. I don't plan on letting that game ruin my enjoyment of this season, and you better not either. Back on the horse. Bury the Hawkeyes. LET'S go!




WHO/WHERE/WHEN



TV: FOX
WEATHER: DRY, 50s, BARREL-STUFFING WEATHER


Thursday, September 13, 2018

BYU

Nothing says early season college football quite like overreacting on Twitter to a slow start and calling for your QB to get benched and thrown into the sea. I'll never understand how people can be so quick to turn (although I guess a lot of these people just hate Hornibrook regardless of how he plays), but I can't stress enough that we all need to have some patience. At no point in time were we going to lose to New Mexico. All we had to do was flip the switch over to SMASHMOUTH and they'd never stop it. But that doesn't prep us for better competition, so there's no point in running it 90 times against them.

This weekend, however, should be a different story. BYU comes to down for an afternoon showdown after splitting a couple of games with Arizona and Cal. We know historically they're a solid program, and they're certainly a large step up in talent from Western Kentucky and New Mexico. If their guys are well rested and well soaked, we could have a legitimate opponent on our hands. That's great! We all need to get those juices flowing, especially with a night game at Iowa looming.

So, here's to a fast start, crisp passing game, no turnovers, and getting that swagger filled up before heading to Iowa City. 



WHO/WHERE/WHEN


TV: ABC
WEATHER: LOW 80s, PARTLY CLOUDY, CLOUDY PARTY


Thursday, September 6, 2018

New Mexico

You want my honest opinion? That was a perfectly boring season opener. Second half was a total snoozefest. And this is NOT a complaint. I'm fine with that. What do you really want to see in non-conference games against scrubs? Minimal injuries, young players making plays, and a comfortable cruise to the finish line. CHECK CHECK CHECK.

Plus, we have more important things to discuss:



You've all probably seen this by now: a woman at the U.S. Open was caught on camera dunking her chicken tenders into an ice cold coke. On the surface, this appears to be a criminal offense. Why take what appears to be a surprisingly meaty stadium tender and dunk it in sugar water before taking a bite? Even IF they were out of all normal dipping sauces, you just go raw dog on a tendy. But this is the OBVIOUS way to react to the situation. I'd like to consider some reasons why this woman is fit to supervise children:

1. This could be a 'don't knock it 'til you try it' situation. Have any of you ever dunked a tender in coke? NO? Then how do we know it's not bizarrely delicious? If the first person to dunk a french fry in a chocolate frosty was caught on camera, they probably would've been disowned by their family. Would you ever dump a milkshake on a baked potato and go to work? Of course not! But hot damn if a fry in a frosty isn't a salty-sweet moment of bliss. CONFESSION: I've dunked a nugget or two into the frosty as well. Why should the fries have all the fun?

2. Maybe she has really soft teeth?


3. She was the victim of a sneaky camera operator at a moment of vulnerable, harmless quirkiness. One of my BIGGEST fears is being caught on camera picking my nose at a sporting event. I DON'T WANT TO BE A MÉMÈ. Are we just victim shaming this poor woman who was OUTED trying to cool down some piping hot tenders on a hot late summer day?

4. We've all gifted her the easiest Halloween costume:


She shows up to a party in full Costanza gear with some ice cream and she immediately topsy-turvies an embarrassing moment into a brilliant act of self-awareness. I spend my entire life trying to come up with a decent Halloween costume, and she's been handed one on an ice scream-soaked platter. Live it up.

5. I am dunking a chicken tender in a coke as soon as I can. Seriously. I have to know what this life is like. I have to walk a mile in her cola-drenched chicken finger shoes. First time you see someone cutting a candy bar with a knife and fork you think they're insane. Come back a week later and you're the only person using your hands like a savage. I know which side of the bandwagon I wanna jump on.

UPDATE: I'm gonna be honest with you and tell that it's closer to good than bad:


Obviously I dipped a few curds and some fries in there to see if we really have a trend on our hands. I can't say I'll be dipping my tenders in coke going forward, but I did find myself going back for a few extra dips at the end just to really soak it all in. Color me slightly pleasantly surprised.



WHO/WHERE/WHEN



TV: BTNish
WEATHER: HIGH OF 70, COUPLE CLOUDS, MAKE LOVE EVERY DAY


Friday, August 31, 2018

Western Kentucky

Me on gameday

Congratulations, people. We've made it. If you're reading this, it means you are alive and you have survived until GAMEDAY. I dare you to find a better word. Gameday represents all that is wonderful in life. And when that gameday is of the season opening variety, on a Friday night, on a holiday weekend... you get the kind of gameday that you want to bottle up and bury underground so you can dig it up the next time you get sad. That's good gameday. That's ELITE gameday.

So let's all ignore our suspended wide receivers, our cornerback leaving the team two days before the opener, and any other bad things in life. Find your friends, get to your bar early, and viva la vida.



WHO/WHERE/WHEN


TV: ESPN
WEATHER: 70s AND A CHANCE OF RAIN OOOOOOOOOOOOOO


Friday, August 24, 2018

2018 Season Preview

The hype is SEVERELY PALPABLE. Sports Illustrated cover, national writers picking UW to go undefeated, 54 All-Americans... you name it, we hype it. Offensive line? So good and experienced that Joe Thomas retired just to come back and take notes. Running back? The UW Athletic Department has already booked hotel and airfare to New York in early December. Quarterback? Ask Miami what happens when the Horn Dawg comes a callin'. Linebackers? All aboard the Van Ginkel Express.

It's not ALL sunshine and rainbows, though:

Could I have put any WORSE juju on UW than tweeting about how awesome our wide receivers are a day before the top two get suspended?

I'll save my comments on those legal issues because, well, not a one of us actually knows what happened and what didn't happen. And this is a football/chicken tender/skyporn blog, not a legal blog. There's plenty of depth at WR that UW will be fine.

MORE than fine, I'd wager. And it all starts on a late summer Friday night in Madison. Can't script a better way to start the biggest season in college football history than a night game at Camp Randall Labor Day weekend. This is peak life. I beg you to take advantage and enjoy it, because we're just a few weeks away from STRESS LEVEL MAXIMUM as this team pursues perfection.




CELEBRITY DEATHS

Time to pay our respects to those we have lost:
  • Aretha Franklin, Queen of Soul. I'll always say few things are cooler than being a really good singer, and she was better than just about everyone else in the world. Bonus points because the Queen of Soul is a top-tier nickname. 
  • Richard Harrison, the old guy on Pawn Stars. The old guy from Pawn Stars died? No one told me! Probably because every show on the History Channel sucks and is fake and therefore not historical. But, uh, rest in peace big guy!
  • Anthony Bourdain, food dude. A man who lived hard and fast, chewed with the best of them, and probably would be a top 10 person to have drinks and dinner with. I'm struggling to think of a single person who hated him.
  • Flaurie Berman, co-founder of Superdawg. The MATRIARCH OF SUPERDAWG. Superdawg has always been a favorite of mine (the hot dogs are obviously great, but the burgers are the under the radar winner), so after she passed away I made my pilgrimage to Devon and Milwaukee to pay my respects:


  • Kate Spade, purse tycoon. I won't confess to knowing much about Kate Spade other than every girl in the world either has a purse or wants one, and she married David Spade's brother. Also: suicide is the worst.
  • Jerry Maren, last surviving munchkin from the Wizard of Oz. 89 years old is one hell of a run for a munchkin. Not to mention, Jerry had a cameo in Seinfeld! That's one hell of a life.
  • Hugh Dane, Hank from The Office. Me when I found out Hank died:
  • Verne Troyer, Mini-Me. Apparently 2018 was a terrible year for famous little people.
  • Avicii, Swedish DJ. I'm on record for HATING all electronic/DJ music. I think it's insane that billions of people pay money to go to 'concerts' where nerds are pushing buttons on a Macbook. But 'Wake Me Up' is an all-time banger, and it's always a shame to see people die young.
  • Barbara Bush, matriarchal badass. Our second matriarch! Can you tell that I absolutely love the word/concept of a matriarch? Barbara Bush, Flaurie Berman, Olenna Tyrell... matriarchs everywhere. Don't mess with a matriarch.
  • Stephen Hawking, theoretical physicist and cosmologist. I understand virtually nothing that Hawking was famous for, but he's high up on the universal respect rankings. Didn't let a debilitating disease stop him from pursuing his dreams and changing the world.

Thursday, December 28, 2017

Orange Bowl vs. #11 Miami

Boy that B1G Championship game really sucked the wind out of our sails, didn't it? WHY CAN'T WE HAVE NICE THINGS? BLAH

So all the idiot talking heads and hot take generators can go on pretending like they knew what they were talking about. We can all pretend like they were right and Wisconsin really was just the product of an easy schedule. But the reality is most definitely somewhere in between: we were and still are a damn good team that simply lost a close game on a neutral field to another damn good team riddled with 4 and 5 star recruits.

That leaves us with a Saturday night date with Miami in... Miami. YAY. Kinda sucky, but I'm not really anticipating a big home field advantage. UW fans will take any excuse to go to Florida in December, and Miami fans strike me as the type to look down on a Wisconsin matchup as not that big of a game.

This is one of those games where from a fan's perspective, you might not think there's a lot to play for. The Playoff dream is dashed. There's nowhere to go after this game. But I can guarantee the seniors are jacked up for their last hurrah. And no one wants to end their career on a loss. Pick up a win over a top-15 marquee program and head into 2018 with all sorts of scorching hot momentum. That's the plan and we better stick to it.

PS - sweet lord between Rodgers going down and the Packers season going down with him, the hoops team imploding, and our loss to OSU... it's been a BAD stretch of Wisconsin sports.



WHO/WHERE/WHEN


TV: ESPN
WEATHER: I DEMAND ANOTHER 45 DEGREE ARCTIC BLAST GAME IN FLORIDA


Thursday, November 30, 2017

B1G Championship vs. #8 Ohio State


Now, I don't think anyone out there needs a little something extra to get fired up for Saturday. Seek help if you are having a hard time NOT controlling your excitement about a chance to lock up Wisconsin's first trip to the College Football Playoff. Because this is, quite litrally, the single biggest game in Wisconsin football HISTORY.

You've been reading these long enough to know that I tend to shy away from unnecessary hyperbole. FALSE. I love hyperbole! But I really don't think I'm being dramatic when I make that statement about the gravity of this game. We are this close to reaching a level no UW team has dared to soar to. One win and we are in... the final four? It's weird we call the playoffs just 'the playoffs' everywhere but college sports. NBA/NFL/MLB/NHL all about making the playoffs. But at the collegiate ranks we get all these branded moneymaking NCAA Tournament™/College Football Playoff ®/Frozen Four © machines.

So let's go beat Ohio State. Let's avenge #59-0 which I'm going to hashtag because it happened. We'll never change the shitshow that was that night. The embarrassment of getting positively THROTTLED in primetime. THAT SUCKED.

But as painful as that night was, a win on Saturday will be 100x sweeter. Mike McDermott liked to say "Few players recall big pots they have won, strange as it seems, but every player can remember with remarkable accuracy the outstanding tough beats of his career." All due respect to Mike McD: we're going all-in on Saturday night and we're gonna be re-watching this game on BTN for the next 7 decades.

#BeatOhioState



WHO/WHERE/WHEN


TV: FOX
WEATHER: I HEAR INDY IS QUITE NICE THIS TIME OF YEAR