Friday, September 6, 2019

Central Michigan

Not much else you can ask for. I mean, sure, Coan could've hit those bombs to Q. Nelson could've been out of the game when it was blowout city. Taylor could've had 300 more rushing yards to really feed the Heisman campaign.

But a 49-0 win on the road against an actual opponent is a damn near perfect season opener. Summer is hanging around to its final breath, football is fully upon us, and Camp Randall is ready to shake off the rust.

Let's all enjoy the calm before the storm. Go outside and drink a beer with your friends.



WHO/WHERE/WHEN



TV: BTN
WEATHER: LOW 70's WITH ONLY A MINOR CHANCE OF SUNBURN


Friday, August 30, 2019

at South Florida


THE GAMEDAY DANCING DMITRI GIF IS HERE AND THAT ONLY MEANS ONE THING: Badger footbaw is back. Who do we have to pay to guarantee we have Friday night season openers for the next decade? I LOVE it. Gimme the Friday night party over the 11 am hangover special any day.

And quite the curious season we have in front of us. I think everyone feels confident this team is better than whatever the hell happened last year, but the schedule has also moved up several notches on the difficulty scale. That means two things to me:

  1. This is a very tricky season to forecast
  2. This should be a lot more fun to watch that last year
I suppose it starts under center, where the Horn Dawg has fled and the Coan Hound has risen. I, like pretty much every single Badger fan in the world, was hoping Mertz was going to step on campus and immediately ASSERT DOMINANCE. I had my #Heismertz hashtag ready, drooled over the All-American game highlights, and was counting down the seconds until he made his debut.

But Chryst had other thoughts. Lame as it may sound, we kinda have to defer to the guy we used to refer to as a quarterback guru. A little of the luster has faded in recent years, but I'm choosing the timeline where Coan was just that much better than Mertz in camp. It's not that Mertz was bad, just that Coan was good. We officially have an 'it's not you it's me' quarterback room. WHATEVER.

At the end of the day, this is the Jonathan Taylor show and 5,000 yards isn't out of the question for him this season. Last week I pulled up his 2018 highlight tape on my way home and I think I honestly forgot just how absurd he is. If Coan and his suddenly stronger group of receivers can provide the play action juice, this offense should put up some big numbers.

It's also just a lot more fun to be optimistic before the season has kicked off. Like I'm ever gonna sit here and tell you how miserable the year is gonna be.

Let's go beat South Florida.




WHO/WHERE/WHEN


TV: ESPN
WEATHER: CLOUDY, MAYBE A LIL' RAIN, 80


Wednesday, December 26, 2018

Pinstripe Bowl vs. Miami Presented by Will's Northwoods Inn


You read that right, amigo. This week we are partnering with Will's to get you ready for the NEW ERA PINSTRIPE BOWL. Wooo, New Era Pinstripe Bowl after the most disappointing season in recent memory! Woooooo!

Listen, I'm with you: it's not easy getting excited about playing Miami AGAIN in a mid-week random name bowl game. But this is the last hurrah for Badger football this year, and it IS a great excuse to take a shower tomorrow and leave your house. We're in that bizarre zone between Christmas and New Year's where no one's really sure what day it is and the idea of setting an alarm on your phone is foreign. Take a shower, put on some non-sweatpants, and join the party at Will's.

Speaking of which, here are my WILL'S PRO-TIPS:

1) You can open a tab at one bar and buy drinks on that tab at the other bars. Do not box yourself in.

2) Get there early enough (before the gameday menu flips over) and get the best thing they make: chicken parm sandwich with tots. I even go as far as getting a side of jalapenos and adding them to them. Italian Mexican fusion at a Wisconsin sports bar!

3) Screaming 'NEW NUMBER' within .75 seconds of a raffle number being announced actually does increase the chances of them picking a new number!

4) You can buy food off the grill using your tab at the bar. Cash only is a thing of the past.

5) Tip often and tip well. Gamedays are a zoo and it can't be easy dealing with idiots like us after the 7th giant bucket of Miller Latte.



WHO/WHERE/WHEN



TV: ESPN
WEATHER: I WONDER IF THE ANNOUNCERS WILL TALK ABOUT HOW MIAMI DOESN'T LIKE PLAYING IN COLD WEATHER


Friday, November 16, 2018

at Purdue

At this point it's clear the Badgers and the Packers are in a race to see who can disappoint their fans more, and we are all losing in this competition. I don't know what else to say. There are some great individual players on both teams, but combined the teams themselves are just mediocre. Greatly frustrating in all directions.

So let's not dig any deeper. Instead, SANDWICH POWER RANKINGS:

1) French Dip. Warm, sliced prime rib on a perfect roll with a bucket of au jus for dipping. Sop that juice up. Dip the fries in there too. Go wild. This is what heaven looks like.

2) Pastrami & corned beef with swiss on toasted rye. The sandwich has to be hot. And if you get some pastrami and corned beef warmed up and working together, nothing is impossible.

3) Breakfast meat, egg, & cheese. It doesn't even matter what bread you go with (bagel, croissant, MCGRIDDLE PATTIES). Nor does it REALLY matter which meat you use (anything from bacon to sausage to chorizo plays just fine). All that matters is that the yolk is runny, there's good hot sauce available, and you have additional breakfast meat and taters on the side to sop up all the overflow yolk.

4) Hot chicken with pickles and some slaw. The Hot Chicken Revolution has been welcomed with open arms. All bout that life. Biscuit or brioche. Hot as possible. I want that chicken coated in whatever the hell is in that dark spice rub that you can tell is really freaking hot because it's in the seasoning more than in the sauce. Roost, you complete me.

5) Bahn mi. Spicy peppers, sweetness in the marinated meat, perfect crusty bread and the right amount of crunchiness from the rest of the veggies. Can I dunk a bahn mi in some au jus and call it VIETNAMESE AMERICAN FUSION? I have a theory that all of the best fusion restaurants use an Asian cuisine as one of the molecules.

JUST MISSED: Tortas, Italian beef, buffalo chicken with ranch, chicken parm

Now please roast me alive about the obvious mistakes I've made and how deeply offended you are by my fickle sandwich preferences.

PPS - no a hot dog is not a sandwich, and including burgers here felt weird. Burgers are their own category of food.

PPPS - never been a big grilled cheese fan. In my eyes it's the Beatles of the sandwich world: I understand everyone loves it and looks at it like it's the best thing ever, but I don't dig it myself. 



WHO/WHERE/WHEN


TV: BTN
WEATHER: CHILLY, RAINY, COULDN'T PAY ME ENOUGH MONEY TO SIT IN THE STAND AT THIS ONE


Friday, November 9, 2018

at #20 Penn State

Voting and family obligations kept me away from a TV on Saturday, and it looked like I didn't miss much. That's fine. Well, Hornibrook getting another concussion is certainly awful, but I don't think it matters who plays quarterback this year. This team simply isn't very good, and they're going to have to scrap and claw their way to a solid bowl game to salvage this season.

The edge is off, though. The shine is gone. Time to take Badger gamedays for what they are at their core: perfect opportunities to day drink with friends and live your best life. That's what I plan on doing the rest of the season. Join me.



WHO/WHERE/WHEN





TV: ABC
WEATHER: 30s AND SOME SUN, ALSO THE SUN SETS AT 4:30 AND LIFE IS COLD AND SAD


Friday, November 2, 2018

Rutgers

Hey you! Possibly random person on the internet that I've never met that's reading this! Hear me out for a second as we take a week off from reeling in the Coan Hypemobile and wondering if we beat Northwestern with a healthy Hornibrook. There's something else we need to talk about this week: voting.

That's right - I'm getting RISQUÉ POLITICAL on this here pseudo-sports blog thingy. But I'm not going to pick a side or tell you who to vote for (OR AM I no I'm not). I just want to use this pathetic excuse for a platform to remind, encourage, and implore you to get out and vote in these elections.

Why? Well, it's downright insane how low voter turnouts are in this country. I don't understand it. Is it laziness? Ignorance? The foolish mindset that 'well my vote is just one of a billion, it doesn't matter'? Probably a combination of all of the above. And I used to be one of those 'my vote doesn't count' fools! This is me acknowledging that I once was dumb and lazy when it came to voting! But as our Founding Fathers said: If I can change, and you can change, everybody can change!

So find your damn polling place (wanna vote early and don't know where to go? BANG you're welcome). Put time in your calendar so you don't have any excuses about finding the time. Annoy your friends into submission if they're not feeling patriotic. There are literally no excuses.

It's quick. It's important. It's one of the things that theoretically allows America to thrive as the land of the free, the home of the American Dream, and the best country in the world.

And those things mean something to me even in a time when America is more divided than it ever should be. They should mean something to you as well unless you're reading this from Thailand.

Find your polling location. Vote early if you can. Vote on Tuesday if you can't vote early.

Vote.



WHO/WHERE/WHEN




TV: BTN
WEATHER: 40s AND BORING AF


Friday, October 26, 2018

at Northwestern

Thought I ran out of spin zones last week? BREAKING SPIN ZONE NEWS: it's possible Horn Dawg has been playing with a concussion ALL YEAR. In your FACE 'Hornibrook sucks' take! If you ask me, this is the only way to explain his up and (very) down play this season.

And while an injury is never something we want to see, I will say that I am MILDLY curious about the Jack Coan Show. After the first offensive series I will be adequately prepared to kick off the bandwagon or beat my chest about Horn Dawg starting for a reason over him. Gotta go with those gut reactions. Ain't nobody got time for measured, thoughtful analysis.

The other unfortunate thing in play is that Coan may have to make his first career start in Evanston at that toilet bowl of a stadium against Les Nerdès. Gross. It's no secret we've had all sorts of weird games there. Wind. Rain. Fumbles. Inexplicable QB management (start Tanner McEvoy and then bring in Stave cold off the bench and then call a pass on 1st and goal on the 3 in a game where MGIII ran for 260 yards because Gary Andersen was a stable genius).

I hope Hornibrook is okay and leads a UW resurgence that ends with us destroying Michigan's hopes and dreams in Indy. But if he's not good to go, then let the Coan era begin with a triumph on Chicago's north side this weekend. #RagingCoaner



WHO/WHERE/WHEN



TV: FOX
WEATHER: HIGH OF 50 AND SOME SUN, WHICH MEANS THE MONSOON WILL BE OF THE SURPRISE VARIETY