Thursday, November 30, 2017

B1G Championship vs. #8 Ohio State

Now, I don't think anyone out there needs a little something extra to get fired up for Saturday. Seek help if you are having a hard time NOT controlling your excitement about a chance to lock up Wisconsin's first trip to the College Football Playoff. Because this is, quite litrally, the single biggest game in Wisconsin football HISTORY.

You've been reading these long enough to know that I tend to shy away from unnecessary hyperbole. FALSE. I love hyperbole! But I really don't think I'm being dramatic when I make that statement about the gravity of this game. We are this close to reaching a level no UW team has dared to soar to. One win and we are in... the final four? It's weird we call the playoffs just 'the playoffs' everywhere but college sports. NBA/NFL/MLB/NHL all about making the playoffs. But at the collegiate ranks we get all these branded moneymaking NCAA Tournament™/College Football Playoff ®/Frozen Four © machines.

So let's go beat Ohio State. Let's avenge #59-0 which I'm going to hashtag because it happened. We'll never change the shitshow that was that night. The embarrassment of getting positively THROTTLED in primetime. THAT SUCKED.

But as painful as that night was, a win on Saturday will be 100x sweeter. Mike McDermott liked to say "Few players recall big pots they have won, strange as it seems, but every player can remember with remarkable accuracy the outstanding tough beats of his career." All due respect to Mike McD: we're going all-in on Saturday night and we're gonna be re-watching this game on BTN for the next 7 decades.




Thursday, November 16, 2017

#19 Michigan

Up to #5, merely another indicator that we control our own DESTINY. And that destiny is staring the obnoxious Michigan entity square in its eyes. We all knew the schedule this year was backloaded: Iowa, Michigan, and a potential B1G Championship game would give us our 3 toughest opponents in our final 4 weeks. All the handwringing just goes to show that when it comes to college football rankings, it's as much about when you play as it is about who you play.

So buckle up for this one. It's going to be miserable weather for two teams with struggaling passing games and lockdown defenses. Enter the cliches about whoever makes the big plays, wins special teams, minimizes mistakes, has more heart, wants to win more than the other guys do, and leaves it ALL on the FIELD.

Win and we go grab an axe on our way to Indy for the biggest Badger game in the history of EARTH. Lose and we can scientifically confirm there is no god. Any way you slice it, there's a lot on the line Saturday.




Thursday, November 9, 2017

#25 Iowa

Another week, another batch of STRONG HOT TAKES wondering 'will an undefeated B1G champion Wisconsin get shut out of the Playoff? CLICK HERE TO FIND OUT'. That's all it is: clickbait. You must have a brain the size of a marble to think 13-0 Wisconsin, fresh off wins over ranked Iowa, solid Michigan, and a top 10ish opponent in the championship game, is getting left out. IT'S NOT HAPPENING. WAKE UP SHEEPLE.

Stop clicking on those sensationalized headlines. The impossible is not happening. If we win out, we are in. And THEN things get interesting.

PS - If you get a reuben from Subway you should also get your head checked. How can they take something so delicious and make it seem so unappealing? And since it's Subway, they're gonna make your reuben and then ask what else you want on it and some savages are gonna get olives and mayo because that's what they're used to getting on their sandwiches at Subway. A fucking reuben with black olives and a bucket of mayo. That's how Subway rolls. If you like Subway you should start a blog about how 13-0 Wisconsin could end up in the Go Daddy Belkin Poinsettia in early December. That's the kind of mindset we're talking about. Disgusting individuals.



Thursday, November 2, 2017

at Indiana

Surprise, surprise: 8-0 Wisconsin is 9th in the Playoff rankings, behind a bunch of one-loss teams. THIS IS NOT SURPRISING. Stay the damn course, win like you've never won before, and everything will fall into place. It is known, Khaleesi.

There are too many damn things to stress about in life, and our ranking in early November is not on that list.

No time to dwell any further. Let's get on with it and beat IU.



Thursday, October 26, 2017

at Illinois

So it looks like it was late October for the beginning of the "Wisconsin's schedule is so soft that even if they go undefeated they won't make the Playoff" talk. And that talk is NONSENSE. No good, uninformed, fan-baiting NONSENSE. I'm here to make my annual guarantee that if Wisconsin is undefeated they will be playing in the Playoff. Fact. Lock it up. Championship.

There's simply no way a team that's currently 5th in the nation is left out of the Playoff if they're sitting at 13-0 with a B1G Championship win over a top 10 OSU/PSU. I don't wanna hear the nonsense about the soft schedule. So much of that crap is beyond our control that I don't see how you significantly ding us. Dingus? DINGUS!

I hate all the scheduling crap. Non-conference schedules are determined so far in advance that outside a handful of schools, it's a complete crapshoot in guessing who will be a good opponent 12 years from now. We did the LSU/Bama/LSU thing and even THAT wasn't safe given that LSU has been slipping. BYU has been a great football program in the last decade or so, but of course the year we travel there they're down. You simply cannot confidently and accurately predict which of your non-conference foes will be top 25 teams in 10 years.

And in B1G play, we are at the mercy of the scheduling gods to determine which crossover schools we get. Some years we end up with Michigan/MSU/OSU/PSU... some years we end up with the Indiana/Maryland/Rutgers cupcakes. The B1G adding another conference game would help, but it's tough for us that the rest of the West is so crappy.

I'm sure this just sounds like a laundry list of excuses. And you could very justifiably argue that we haven't LOOKED like the 5th best team in the country (fair and screw you hater). But let's get this in digital writing right now: 13-0 Wisconsin ABSOLUTELY, UNEQUIVOCALLY, INDUBITABLY gets stomped by Alabama in the Playoff thus making us wonder if we got what we wished for after all.  



Wednesday, October 18, 2017


I want you to know up front that I am truly sorry. My sports curse is infectious and it is spreading RAPIDLY. First we had #USMNT not qualifying for the World Cup. Then Aaron Rodgers shatters his clavicle on a hit that isn't technically dirty but still sucks because the ball is clearly out and GODDAMNIT THAT'S AARON RODGERS YOU'RE MANDHANDLING. The Cubs are on the ropes and to add insult to injury, UW's top hoops recruit for next year de-commits a month before signing day.

Every team I like is going to shit and there's really only one team left that hasn't been infected yet.

I'm so afraid that it's coming. I don't quite feel it in my bones yet, but it does feel like something bad is brewing. If it happens, I'm sorry. I can't say it's not my fault because maybe it IS my fault and I should go hide in a cafe in Alaska until college football season is over. I don't want to be the one to derail UW's glorious season.


PS - I'm just now realizing I wrote about an Alaskan cafe instead of an Alaskan cave, and I think the message remains clear. Not like they carry BTN in the Moosejaw Cafe in Anchorage.

PPS - What's the capital of Alaska? Anchorage? Nome? Alaska City? It's gotta be Anchorage... JUNEAU! DAMNIT!



Thursday, October 12, 2017


Oh I am feeling RANTY this week:

THE GODDAMN UNITED STATES NATIONAL TEAM DID NOT QUALIFY FOR THE WORLD CUP. Your reaction to this is most likely one of two feelings: complete indescribable anger or 'soccer is dumb who cares'. I really don't know how you find a middle ground there. And there is NO way to spin this. It is indubitably unspinnable. To be honest, I'm still struggling to just wrap my head about all of the implications:

1) I've spent the previous 3 years thinking I could take my sabbatical at work during the World Cup and go to Russia. That idea is now officially dead and my dream of going to a World Cup in person is now on hold until 2026, which sounds like the year the Jetsons took place in. Will probably be robot soccer by then. Ugh.

2) Remember how much fun it was watching the US games at bars where even soccer haters were on the bandwagon? There was so much HYPE. Faced with nothing but baseball, the World Cup gave us the intense sports fixation we craved. Now we get to hope Iceland does something cool.

3) Here's what I don't get: why is the US women's program the best in the world while the men's program is shit? Is it just less competition for the athletes to play other sports? Are more of our better female athletes sticking with soccer instead of spinning off to hoops/hockey/baseball/everything else? Does the women's program emphasize skill and tactics more than just relying on athleticism? WHAT IS THEIR SECRET, WHICH IS TECHNICALLY OUR SECRET? Give the women the @ussoccer handle, hire a female president of the US Soccer Federation, and build a men's program that SNIFFS the level of skill and success the women have.

4) Poor Christian Pulisic. We finally have a building block WORTH building around, and the best thing we could do for him was get him World Cup reps before he's old enough to drink. What do we do? Watch Jozy and Bradley and the rest of the vets come out flat and STAY flat against one of the worst teams in the entire world. Hopefully CP10's experience with Dortmund will keep him moving forward to superstardom, and hopefully he doesn't quit soccer and start playing football.

5) I'm done. I'm just so done. That was the most infuriating sporting event I've ever watched. I'm not joking when I say I've never been angrier after one of my teams lost a big game. After the UW/Duke title game I was depressed. After the '03 Cubs I was young and dumb and there's always next year. But this is in a class of its own, and that's a class I hope never grows.

Fire everyone. Burn it to the ground. Empower all the women. Embrace Pulisic. Go Iceland.


UPDATE: A commenter by the name of Aubrey has shed some light on why the women's program is a juggernut:

I love a good ranting. 
In regards to why the US women are so much more successful, there are a couple reasons. While men's soccer was becoming immensely popular through the late 19th Century in Europe and its colonial empire, women were still told their place was in the home. In fact, with a few exceptions for war (think a League of their Own), Euros did not want women playing soccer as it was viewed to be unfeminine. Organized women's leagues were banned in the UK and Germany until ~1970. The German soccer organization (DFB) stated: "this combative sport is fundamentally foreign to the nature of women" and that "body and soul would inevitably suffer damage". Further, the "display of the body violates etiquette and decency". So while the world has developed their men's programs for over 100 years, women's programs have lagged behind, creating less of a gap for us to overcome. 
The gap in men's soccer was largely caused in part because we were developing our own successful sports (football, baseball, even basketball and hockey). We also weren't part of the Europe colonial empire so it wasn't really impressed on us. 
Football and baseball aren't really sports that women are encouraged to participate in, so while many of our best men pursued those sports, women found their own favorite sports.  
Title IX is the real huge advantage for US women's soccer. When schools needed to add women's sports, soccer was a natural fit due to its affordability, the same reason it enjoys such success even in the third world. Title IX essentially created a developmental program for women that was unheard of in other countries. This gave us a significant advantage in the sport, which led to our first World Cup championship. As they say, success breeds success, and soccer exploded in popularity amongst American girls. In addition to school programs, travel teams and organizations blossomed and development became even more regimented. Europe has only begun to create developmental leagues for its women (they are getting better you might notice) somewhat recently.  
So... TL;DR: our women started on even footing, don't get to play football/baseball instead; Title IX; a history of winning