Wednesday, September 13, 2017

at BYU

Remember last week when I said the Utah State game was the ultimate game no one will remember in a few months? I'd like to update that to replace it with the FAU game. I almost had to check a schedule to confirm it was indeed FAU that we played last week.

Part of that is that I was in Omaha for a wedding, and due to some domestic compromises I was not able to watch the entire game. But that's okay! I think I mentioned a few years ago that as much as I love Badger sports, I no longer feel the driving need to schedule and revolve my life around games.* There are only so many weekends before it gets arctic in the Midwest, and dedicating every one of those to a sport where 80% of the time we'll just roll over inferior teams is a young man's game.

As I'm writing this I realize how lame this sounds. I can ASSURE you I still enjoy drinking 17 High Lifes in a sea of red before the sun goes down. That hasn't stopped being fun. I promise. And I WAS super hyped for this game a few months ago... until BYU came out looking like basura, and now our only chance of a decent non-conf win is thwarted. At least the game is at 2:30. That's late enough to roll the good times right into the evening. Take advantage of that.

*Obvious exceptions exist. Not all games are created equally, and I will certainly go out of my way to make sure I have unimpeded viewing for big conference games, games with playoff implications, etc. But you reach a point in life when FAU in September is not must-watch appointment viewing. Life... finds a way.



Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Florida Atlantic

Now THAT'S how you have a 59-10 blowout with a little bit of character. You let Scrub University come out and take a lead, you look a little skittish, and the unseasoned Badger fans out there start to kinda sorta worry. 'OH MY GOD IS THIS A JOKE?'

I can guarantee wherever you were watching, at least 3 people actually thought that. They actually thought we might be in trouble. Like we were actually going to get handled by Utah State at Camp Randall on opening night.

The veterans amongst us know the only thing to do when the game is not going the way it should is to head to the bar and order a round of #RallyYamos. This is a patent-pending procedure that guarantees success. I'm not sure what special power Jameson has, but it is scientifically and empirically proven to take a bad situation and flip it upside down right on its stupid ear.

What happened after the #RallyYamos came out last Friday?

#HornDawg started slangin', Taylor announced his arrival on the scene, and this game became the soon-to-be forgotten blowout we all anticipated. Fun stuff.

PS - Does there really exist some kind of scenario where Wisconsin doesn't win here?

Utah State is down 49 points with 5 seconds left and somehow our win probability is not 100%. At what point do the damn statistical models just shut it down and acknowledge IT AIN'T HAPPENING, EVER. Unless Utah State possessed the ability to bend the laws of physics in our known universe, it is utterly impossible for them to win. And even if they could alter time and space, they still ain't crossing that goal line again. Figure it out, nerds.



Thursday, August 31, 2017

Utah State


Did you enjoy your summer? Sweating every day? Getting sunburn just checking the mail? Not being able to wear anything from your arsenal of Patagonias? SUMMER SUCKS. There you go. I'll say it. It is, on a good day, the third best season:

1) Fall. Comfortable weather, football returns, Cubs on a 1 World Series winning streak, Halloween, quarter zips (the new thermals), I don't even drink them but I'm sure approximately 50% of you flip your shit over pumpkin spiced everythings, Halloween candy for sale for pennies on the dollar in November.

2) Spring. ESCAPE FROM THE LONG NIGHT, NCAA Tournament, quarter zips, Revolution A Little Crazy guzzling, those random days where it's like 75 and sunny in late March, St. Patrick's Day.

3) Summer. Air Conditioning, patio drinks for an hour before you'd rather be inside with the previously mentioned A/C, praying your Cubs seats are in the shade for the Saturday afternoon August game against the Pirates you got tickets for, waiting an hour for Jeni's ice cream even though Bobtail in Lakeview is better, Lollapalooza and everything that's terrible about it.

4) Winter. Freeze outside, sweat on public transportation, eating ice cream is somehow considered weird because it's so cold, salt gets stuck in my dog's paws and she does this sad little hop thing until I fish it out with my bare fingers even though it's 3 degrees outside, those random blocks on heavily trafficked streets that don't bother shoveling so all the snow gets packed down and walking on it feels like part of an American Ninja Warrior course, even Jon Snow is shedding any association with it.

So whatever. I'm a #SummerHater and I've come to terms with it. That's ok because it's basically Fall and I'm ready to FEAST on all the wonders Fall has in store for us. That starts Friday night in Madison.

PS - Couldn't be more #AllInOnHornDawg after finding out he's been eating 6,000 calories a day. GUNSLINGER STATUS CONFIRMED



Thursday, March 23, 2017

Sweet 16 & Elite 8


And I mean that! Never a freaking doubt that we were taking down Villanova. Okay, maybe there were several moments of slight doubt (down 7 with 5 minutes to go). But what a time to be alive when you can be rationally confident you're gonna take down the #1 overall seed. EL GARDO ES EL MEJOR.

Now, new challenges await. First up is a Florida team that is quietly up to #3 in the KenPom ratings. But they don't scare me. You know what does scare me? MSG and its NBA rims. WORKING THEORY: we cannot shoot on NBA rims. This has been my unofficial observation and hypothesis for decades. Whatever the reason may be, we simply do not seem to shoot well on rigid NBA rims. Oh how we've grown to love the delicate, gentile bounces of the Kohl Center rims.

I refuse to do any research, and I suppose the Marquette game this year flies in the face of everything I'm saying, but if I have one major concern about our surprisingly good chances to make it to the Final Four... it's those damn rims.

But it's the season for overcoming fears and conquering obstacles. My rational confidence remains unfazed. No team has more experience in the moment, and it's not like we're running a bunch of scrubs out there. Bring on the Gators. Gimme Baylor. I want 'em all.

Friday night, 9:00 pm tip. That is so hot I'm afraid to even think about how the night is gonna play out. Lava hot tip time. Friday night. Bring it.

PS - Coming for that ass Florida:


What criteria are they ranked on? WHIM OF A MADMAN (me).

Last) Ryan Lochte, American gold medalist and silver medalist at 2004 Athens Olympics, gold medalist and bronze medalist at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, and gold, silver and bronze medalist at the 2012 London Olympics. Did they ever actually figure out the truth in Brazil? What was this idiot doing? I'm assuming he and his friends were just sauced to the bone and being jackasses and then tried to lie their ways out of it, right? Cool guy.

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

NCAA Tournament 1st & 2nd Rounds

I was twelve years old the last time Wisconsin didn't make the NCAA Tournament. And I am OLD now! There's not a player on the current team that can even remember the last time Wisconsin missed the tournament. Recruits we're going after these days weren't even alive the last time we missed the dance. If you're a really old Wisconsin fan, I can only imagine how mind bottling this two decade run of consistent winning has been.

And yet, most of us have spent this year feeling completely and utterly frustrated with the way this team fell apart. A lot of that is justified - who the hell expected a team with 4 senior starters to blow a 1.5 game lead in February (too lazy to fact check) and limp into the tournament as an 8 seed?

But last I checked, this was still a team that finished 2nd in the B1G, runner-up in the B1G tourney, and went 25-9. This is still a dangerous team with a senior point guard and All-American big. And this is still a team with a bandwagon I simply cannot jump off. Expectations are low, but the opportunity to shock America's face off is prime. I dig that.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Cotton Bowl vs. #12 Western Michigan

Fire up, it's time to take on WESTERN MICHIGAN! MARQUEE MATCHUP CITY!

Whatever. I have no idea, but I was never actually that upset after we choked that B1G Championship away. Maybe it's because (as I've been saying all year) my expectations for this team were so low that we've already far surpassed them. Maybe it's because even if we won we still weren't going to make the Playoff. Not sure. But I got over it and hopefully you have by now as well.

Our consolation prize for losing to Penn State? A date with the Western Michigan Broncos in the Cotton Bowl Presented By Cotton Eyed Joe. They're undefeated and probably have a bunch of Western Michigan Truther fans out there that are up in arms that they're not playing for a national championship, which on the surface is hilarious, but also... is it literally just impossible to play for a championship if you're in a shit conference? I guess that's kinda why the non-power 5 conferences are looking at creating their own championship, which I'm sure will not be belittled or made fun of at all.

This is essentially a notch below facing TCU in the Rose Bowl: it's not a sexy program from a big conference, and it's not difficult to view this as the classic lose/lose where losing is embarrassing and winning is expected since they're not a big program.

You want my take? Noon on January 2nd is a great time to get day drunk and extend that holiday vacay one extra day. No more football games until September. Drink it in and drink it deep before the tap runs dry.


Sure, a few did. Let's take a look.
  • Luther Vandross, rhythm and blues/urban contemporary singer, songwriter, and record producer. Of course, he is best known for...

    • For the record, that's a top 5 Kanye song. I'll hear no arguments otherwise.
    • Terry Crews, actor. I'm gonna just level with you and tell you I thought this was the Office Linebacker guy. Apparently that's Terry Tate. This seems like a reasonable mix up. I'm drinking an iced latte and listening to Lady Gaga right now, how are you doing?
    • Page Kennedy, actor. Hollywood is BULLSHIT. Here's a quick list of the roles Page has played in his actings:
      • In 2005, Kennedy won a recurring role on the popular ABC primetime soap, Desperate Housewives where he played Caleb Applewhite, a fugitive who was being held captive in his mother's basement. 
      • Kennedy joined the cast of Showtime's hit series Weeds during its second and third season. He played U-Turn, a drug-dealer and self-described "thug".
      • Kennedy played Radon Randell an "unidentified black male", a quarterback starting over the main character, Alex Moran, in the Spike television series Blue Mountain State. 
      • Kennedy had a guest appearance whereas he played a burglar in the new 2013 TV series Legit.
      • Kennedy played a gay inmate and gang leader in My Name is Earl and a married inmate and ex-con in Raising the Bar.
    • Hey Page Kennedy, I don't know how TV works, but I think you need a new agent because you have been TYPECAST.
    • Greg Jennings, YouTube star. Still slays me:

        • That Darren Sharper cameo is decidedly less funny than it was a few years ago.
        • "Fuck you Gumby" remains one of my favorite things to yell at someone.
        • Tim Allen, actor and stand-up comedian. Things you need to know about Tim Allen:
          • His real name is Timothy Allen Dick, and I guess he didn't feel like getting famous known as Tim Dick.
          • In 1978, he was arrested with a pound and a half of cocaine. He then snitched out the rest of the people involved to get a lighter sentence. There's nothing on his wiki page about it, but I'm assuming he got the stitches he rightfully deserved.
          • During a one week span in 1994, he starred in the #1 movie (The Santa Claus), had the #1 bestseller, and appeared in the #1 TV show (Home Improvement). That is obnoxious.
          • Galaxy Quest is a HIGHLY underrated movie
        • Tim "The Toolman" Taylor & Jill Taylor, fictional characters. Quite the impressive alumni group you have, Western Michigan.

        CHICAGO BADGERS: Seriously if you're working on Tuesday you're a sucker and I can't explain that any more succinctly.


        TV: ESPN

        Thursday, December 1, 2016

        B1G Championship vs. #8 Penn State

        Several weeks ago I totally had myself convinced. There was simply no way an 11-2 B1G Champion Wisconsin team was going to get boned out of the Playoff. NO WAY. I wrote this:

        You can write it in sharpie on your face and lock it up: 11-2 B1G Champion Wisconsin is in the Playoff. That is today’s no doubt about it toss it in a nest and sit on it guarantee.

        Well aren't I the guy sitting on a nest of lies with IDIOT written on my face in permanent marker! Because as it stands right now, if Washington and Clemson win, then it doesn't matter if we trash Penn State by 500 because we'll be on the outside looking in. I don't even know how to process the situation. Like, I understand that the best teams don't always win their conference championships and that the committee's goal is to get the four best teams in the Playoff. I understand that. But we came into this season staring at a schedule that made it seem like keeping our heads about .500 would be an accomplishment. To come out 11-2 with wins over ranked LSU, Iowa, Nebraska, and Penn State teams while winning the best conference in the country and STILL come up short? That just sucks.

        Some people are oddly okay with this, as they see it as an act of martyrdom to expand the Playoff to 8 teams. I don't want to be agent of change. I don't want to be a footnote in the history of college football championship policies. I want to play for a damn championship. And I'm too lazy to go back and do the math, but I'm guessing we don't finish in the top 8 very frequently. Given how much smaller the margin for error is in football (compared to hoops), any chance to play for a title is precious. Do we get womped by Bama? Possibly. Probably. But we'd still find ourselves in a situation where we have to win two neutral games to snag a mothertrucking national championship. Wake me up the next time that's reality.

        I don't buy for a second that Washington is better than us. Their schedule? SOFT. Their loss? PATHETIC. The real UW? WISCONSIN. And gimme a break putting Michigan ahead of us. They beat us by a touchdown in their own house, sure. But they also lost to a mediocre Iowa team and won exactly ONE game outside the state of Michigan: at Rutgers.

        The truth is, we get screwed because LSU and MSU were supposed to be marquee wins. But then they went out and got sucky and stole a little shine off our impressive campaign. I guess what I'm saying is I'm prepared to accept an 11-2 B1G Championship season where one or two other teams from our conference go to the Playoff instead of us. LUNACY.

        PS - I don't think I ever expressed proper outrage over letting that OSU game slip through our fingers because Miguel Montero was busy propelling the Cubs to victory with a monster grand slam against the Dodgers, but... FUDGE. Looking back, that was a game we should've had that would have us firmly in the top 2-3, which means we'd be playing for a chance to AVOID Alabama. I AM RETROACTIVELY DISGUSTED AND UPSET.

        CHICAGO BADGERS: Saturday night, primetime, grab your friends and some champagne and live the High Life a little.


        TV: FOX