Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Holiday Bowl vs. #25 USC

Love this 9:30 pm kickoff. LOVE IT. I wanna build a fire and wear sweatpants and just cuddle the shit out of it for HOURS. 9:30 kickoff means there's AMPLE time to get out of work, get appropriately geared up, eat chicken quesadillas con jalapeƱos, play 6 games of euchre, drink 7 beers, and be PERFECTLY tuned for the game. What else could you ask for?

New Year's Day bowls are beyond overrated. Who wants to have to do something before like 5 pm on New Year's? Even if that activity is drinking-themed, I'm gonna go with sleeping until I can't and then easing into 2016 like an old man sliding into a hot bath on a cold January day.

If the playoff is out of the picture, I'm taking season finale night game over 11 am Hangover Bowl every single time.

PS - If I ever invent a marketable hangover cure, I'm ponying up all my SERIES A funding to sponsor the first bowl game on January 1st. The Hangover Bowl, cured by HANGOVER DESTROYER. That's the best sponsorship the world will ever know.

PPS - If you're actually working on 12/31 and you're not a nurse, doctor, or bus driver, then just quit that job because it's not fit for human endurance.


Seriously, this is a fresh list.
  • George Lucas, inventor of Star Wars. If you haven't see The Force Awakens yet, look away. SPOILER ALERT. SPOILERS INCOMING.
Things I liked: Rey, BB8 holding up the lighter for the thumbs up, Finn humor, potential Finn-Rey bonefest in VIII, gritty feel that matched IV/V/VI more than I/II/III, the moment Han and Chewy walked in, every time Chewy talked, Han dying

Things I didn't like: the plot being A New Hope all over again, speaking of which maybe the bad guys in this universe should stop making planet weapons that can be defeated by 7 X-Wings and loose intel, Adam from Girls being the main baddie, Han/Leia romance, obvious hinting that Rey is Luke's daughter (looking for something more clever here), supposedly non-Jedi (Finn) holding his own in a lightsaber battle with a supposedly powerful Jedi (Kylo Ren).

Overall it's a 4/5 for me. If it felt more like the original trilogy than the modern trilogy, then it was guaranteed at least a 3/4. Added point for Rey being a great character and the movie feeling like a truly great launching pad for what could be some potentially INCREDIBLE movies in VIII and XI.
  • Will Ferrell, actor. I got caught up in that SNL in the 90s thing that VH1 is always pimping, and my conclusion is that Will Ferrell is a top 4 all-time SNL cast member. I'd throw Farley in there as well, but I'm probably not old enough to judge all the 70s and 80s legends. So I'll give Ferrell and Farley the nod for the 90s+.
  • Neil Armstrong, astronaut. Bro.
  • Louis Zamperini, olympian and CAB (Certified American Badass). Seriously, if you haven't read Unbroken yet then figure your life out. The word 'hero' gets tossed around a lot, but it was meant for guys like Louis Zamperini.
  • Minnette Gersh Lenier (Ph.D. 1971) – teacher who used magic to improve students’ learning skills. WITCH
  • Art Clokey (M.A. 1956) – clay animator; creator of Gumby. Hardest hitting clay animator in da leeeeeague.
  • Jim Lovell, star of Apollo 13. Wait, are we SHARING Lovell with the Trojans? Whatever, he's more ours than theirs. DIBS ON LOVELL
  • OJ Simpson, football player. And that's all I have to say about that.
  • Mark McGwire, baseball player. Don't care they were all juicing. Sammy and McGwire going back and forth was the best thing ever. Also, hey Mark, sick bomb on #62. Really poked that one good.
  • Dan Bane (B.S. 1969) – Chairman and CEO of Trader Joe's. If I knew that the CEO of Trader Joe's was in play and I didn't include him I think my mom would disown me. Shop Trader Joe's.
  • Richard Knerr (B.S.) – co-founder of Wham-O; the creators of the Hula Hoop, Frisbee, and Superball. That's like the old school version of creating the Macbook, iPod, and iPhone. How come we don't see any commercially bankrupt movies about Dick Knerr?
  • Chris DeWolfe (M.B.A. 1997) – co-founder of MySpace and current CEO. Anytime I hear MySpace, this is all I can think about:

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

#20 Northwestern

Jumping right into the mailbag. Part 1 up top, part 2 down below. SUCH SUSPENSE.

Tim S:

How happy are you to get a break from what has to be the least aesthetically pleasing 8-2 team in CFB history?

It was great! Slept in, went to a bar dressed in neutral grey, didn't watch a second of football, turned my brain off and had fun. Is that how non-weirdos do Saturdays? I really dug it.

With that said, I'm ready to get right back at supporting the worst 10-2 team in NCAA history. Clement still recovering from his hernia and also a dog bit him? Keep the weird coming!

Matt B:

Bryant, Schwarber & Rizzo: marry, fuck, kill - go!

Marry: Rizzo. I feel like my mom would like him the most.

Kill: Bryant. Oh, you're 6'5", dreamy, AND you are going to be the best player in the league? That's a little too perfect for me, kid.

Fuck: Schwarber. Remember in Good Will Hunting when Will is telling the story about how his dad used to give him a choice between a stick, a belt, and a wrench? And Will always chose the wrench because fuck him? I'm using that logic here.

Jake S:

First of all, I'd like to say, "body wash" is bullshit, and all men should be using bar soap. What's the etiquette on bar soap? My personal opinion is if you are showering at someone else's house and all they have is bar soap you are allowed to use it. Soap is self cleaning.

What are you, 80? Bar soap is the worst thing in the world. Are you supposed to rub the bar all over you or just rub it in your hands a lot and then rub yourself down? I do the latter on the 3 occasions each year I find myself with nothing but a stupid bar of soap in the shower.

Body wash is superior in every way imaginable. However, the body wash/shampoo all-in-one combo is a little too much for me. Like when Costanza has the fridge built into the side of his recliner.

Jake R:

Ok so here's the scenario. You have to pick one animal to fight in a one-on-one arena match with another animal. You don't know which animal you will face before the fight. Humans not included, which animal do you choose?

Hippo. Always hippo. Nothing beats a hippo. When's the last time you saw the inside of a hippo's mouth?

Disgusting and terrifying. It does not even matter that this battle doesn't take place near water - no creature on this planet is taking down a hippo. Not an elephant. Not some kind of super gorilla. And clearly not a rhino.

Hippos are MONSTERS.

Mike L:

Are the 90's officially the new 80's?

Nah. The 80's are the worst decade ever, and the 90's are still pretty cool. Yeah we all looked stupid back then, but that's the case looking back on pretty much every decade. What are the 80's known for? I don't even know. But the 90's gave us cell phones and the internet and Saved By The Bell and Jurassic Park and Weezer. Nothing in the 80's was CLOSE to that.

Joe H:

Were you at all butt-hurt when you found out that Penn State had a shorter and fatter kicker than Wisco did? The guy in question really has a story that begs youtubing. Not only did the fatty kick footballs in high school, but he apparently had D1 soccer scholarships AND ran track for a year. I imagine his races looked like this. Further neat facts include he was born in our hometown of Milwaukee but sadly did not attend high school there. And finally, as a sophomore in HS he was 5’10 (as he is currently) but only 185lbs….that’s a lot of eating, good for him.

Joe also provided this image to further illustrate his point:

Fair points. But an overweight guy from Milwaukee is one thing: an overweight kicker from Brazil that grew up in Tennessee and CHOSE to come to Wisconsin? That's beauty. Plus, Gaglianone was a baller on the pitch as well. And he has better hair.

PS - Love that they didn't round the 259 up to an even 260. That's like the psychology when you sell cars for $19,999, since it FEELS like a lot less than saying an even $20k. Smart fat kicker Penn State has. Why am I typing like Yoda.

CHICAGO BADGERS: Oh we are on a TEAR of 2:30 games. So great. Unfortunately I'll be at a wedding, which is good because this game has sneaky potential to frustrate the hell out of me. Thank god it's not in Evanston.


Thursday, November 5, 2015

at Maryland

I think Corey Clement just made a loud statement about his value to this team. We kinda spent most of the year wondering if the running game sucked because of the O-Line, the backs, or both. Without jumping to conclusions (because Rutgers), I think we can safely say the issue was squarely on the back up running backs. I don't mean this as a slight to Dare and Deal, but they were back ups for a reason.

So here we are. 7-2 (4-1) in a season where we've had injuries at literally every position on the roster. A transition year with a new coach (albeit a familiar coach) and a young team... and yet, 7-2. That's actually pretty damn impressive when you consider everything that's gone wrong so far.

My excitement for this team is increasing. Something about them gutting out wins despite being in shambles is kinda fun. Like the German sub in U-571 that was all messed up, but the Americans took it over and kept battling on it and eventually sank a giant German destroyer with it after Trigger drowned while fixing the leak in the torpedo system. Out with the Remember The Titans season metaphor, in with the U-571 season metaphor. WHAT MOVIE THAT'S ON HBO EVERY WEEK IS NEXT?

PS - OMG, Trigger from U-571 was SMALLS from The Sandlot? That's amazing. And a few years ago he was arrested because he headbutted a cop after he was told he was too drunk to get on an airplane? You just never know where the internet is gonna take you.

CHICAGO BADGERS: Afternoon game, and don't look now but we're running out of gamedays. I'll preach now what I preach often: take advantage because while a game against Maryland might not be very exciting now, you'd murder for a 2:30 gameday party come January.


Thursday, October 29, 2015


Entering the home stretch of the Purdue/Illinois/Rutgers/Maryland stretch, which has somehow been an uglier stretch of opponents than we ever imagined. Illinois/Rutgers/Maryland all looking for new coaches, and Purdue probably looking for a new coach. That's magical.

But it's fine. We'll take the easy wins to pump the record. In all honesty I'm rather enjoying a low-stress season. A loss on a Saturday puts everyone in a pootie mood. But this year? This year we're all just having fun and throwing back beers and living the high life.

CHICAGO BADGERS: 11:00 am game on Halloween Saturday in Madison and brace yourselves here come the 'WE SHOULD TAKE THE STUDENT SECTION AWAY FOREVER BECAUSE THEY DON'T APPRECIATE IT ENOUGH' tweets.

PS - Costumes are encouraged at Will's. Rumors swirling that there's a prize for the best costume.

PPS - I just made that rumor up but I bet if we believe it hard enough it could happen.


Thursday, October 22, 2015

at Illinois

Wisconsin/Purdue summed up succinctly: the official BTN play of the game was a 7 yard untouched rushing touchdown.

I'm not sure what else I can say about that game. We're not that good, they're much worse, we broke Purdue football forever. End of story. Moving on to the Illini.

CHICAGO BADGERS: Are you as pleasantly surprised as I am that a Wisconsin/Illinois game in late October is at 2:30? Amazing.


Thursday, October 15, 2015


Ended up catching the last few minutes of the game on Saturday, and it looks like I didn't miss anything before that. Oh well. Always nice to gut out a tough road win when nothing has been going your way lately. Winning ugly and all that jazz.

Best way to maintain a little momentum? Purdue comes to town. I refuse to lose to Purdue forever. Ever since we broke Kyle Orton and Scott Starks scooped up that fumble for a touchdown we cemented our dominance over them. Never again will they beat us. Nuh uh. No way.

CHICAGO BADGERS: 11 am Wisconsin game and a 7 pm Cubs NLCS game? Congratulations bars of Chicago, you win. You win, you take all my money, you swindle my dignity, and you leave me in a drunken heap at 4 am. This should be a good time for all. GO CUBS


Thursday, October 8, 2015

at Nebraska

Listen, I'm not gonna sit here and pretend Stave played well. He didn't. He played pretty damn poorly actually. But you need to consider a couple of facts before you start checking to see if he has a Twitter account to harass (he doesn't) or calling for Gillins to be the starter (ain't happening for 1,000 reasons):
  • Our top WR (former walk-on) got concussed
  • Our other starting WR is a quarterback-turned-safety-turned-wide receiver
  • Both of our top TE's were banged up
  • Our starting running back was 9,000 miles away getting German surgery
  • His back-up is a former cornerback who dropped a pivotal screen pass
  • Our offensive line is inexperienced and, quite frankly, not as talented as previous groups
  • The skill position players that were healthy and out there were about as bad as any group I can even remember at UW
That last one would be true even IF Erickson, Traylor, Fumagalli, and Clement were healthy. Hands down, this year's team had the worst group of running backs, wide receivers, and tight ends I've ever seen. Blame recruiting failures by previous coaching regimes. Blame poor development of wide receivers going back to Bielema's era. Blame MGIII for leaving early actually wait no don't do that.

Blame whatever you want. But if you're going to sit here with a straight face and tell me we lost that game purely because Stave sucked then I'm going to sit here with a straight face and tell you you're an idiot.

He was awful. We all get that. But his supporting cast is not only awful from a talent standpoint, but they were miserable from an execution standpoint as well on Saturday.

Everything about that offensive performance was painful. Let's move on and hope things can't get worse. At least the D is as nasty as we hoped. Yay optimism!

CHICAGO BADGERS: Gonna be in San Francisco for a bachelor party this weekend. It's going to be 70 and sunny every day and I'm treating it as a mini vacation from Wisconsin football. Perfect time for a mini vacation.