Thursday, October 8, 2015

at Nebraska

Listen, I'm not gonna sit here and pretend Stave played well. He didn't. He played pretty damn poorly actually. But you need to consider a couple of facts before you start checking to see if he has a Twitter account to harass (he doesn't) or calling for Gillins to be the starter (ain't happening for 1,000 reasons):
  • Our top WR (former walk-on) got concussed
  • Our other starting WR is a quarterback-turned-safety-turned-wide receiver
  • Both of our top TE's were banged up
  • Our starting running back was 9,000 miles away getting German surgery
  • His back-up is a former cornerback who dropped a pivotal screen pass
  • Our offensive line is inexperienced and, quite frankly, not as talented as previous groups
  • The skill position players that were healthy and out there were about as bad as any group I can even remember at UW
That last one would be true even IF Erickson, Traylor, Fumagalli, and Clement were healthy. Hands down, this year's team had the worst group of running backs, wide receivers, and tight ends I've ever seen. Blame recruiting failures by previous coaching regimes. Blame poor development of wide receivers going back to Bielema's era. Blame MGIII for leaving early actually wait no don't do that.

Blame whatever you want. But if you're going to sit here with a straight face and tell me we lost that game purely because Stave sucked then I'm going to sit here with a straight face and tell you you're an idiot.

He was awful. We all get that. But his supporting cast is not only awful from a talent standpoint, but they were miserable from an execution standpoint as well on Saturday.

Everything about that offensive performance was painful. Let's move on and hope things can't get worse. At least the D is as nasty as we hoped. Yay optimism!

CHICAGO BADGERS: Gonna be in San Francisco for a bachelor party this weekend. It's going to be 70 and sunny every day and I'm treating it as a mini vacation from Wisconsin football. Perfect time for a mini vacation.


Thursday, October 1, 2015


Another shutout. What a surprise. It's almost as if Aranda is the best defensive coordinator in the world. I hope Barry personally delivers a chest full of rare doubloons to Aranda's house that's probably on a golf course in Verona. No more BS about being unable to pay assistants - this athletic department makes more money than 99% of the colleges in the world. Pony up the cash - Aranda is worth every single doubloon we can spare.

Why the hell am I ranting? Let's all watch this gem and get ready for #IowaWeek:


PS - Whoa hey Will's got weird in a hurry last week. Starting to think I got vodka-bombed but have no way of confirming it. Hmmmmmmmm.


Thursday, September 24, 2015


I haven't seen one second of the Troy game and I am totally okay with that. I was stuck at a wedding in Minnesota Saturday afternoon, and it sounds like I didn't miss much. I don't think I've even looked at a box score. Have I grown up? Am I mature? Did I reach a point in my life where I don't need to obsess and schedule my life around a completely meaningless September buy-game? Not sure, but it feels pretty good to not worry about the Badgers and just live a little life out there.

PS - Wedding thoughts:
  • Pretty sick of old people hating on young people music, even though I know it's gonna be me soon enough. They're playing songs like Runaround Sue and every parent on the dance floor doesn't shut up. 'I tell ya, they don't write songs like this anymore.' You know what happens next? Shut Up And Dance comes on and the roof of the building is removed by force as a bunch of fifty-somethings slur 'I LOVE THIS SONG'. They don't write 'em like they used to? Well they definitely didn't write 'em like they do. Goes both ways, generation haters.
  • Day weddings are downright LETHAL. This one was at a brewery, and the open bar was just a guy pouring straight from growlers they brought up from the brewery. How can you give me unlimited amazing amber beers and expect me to keep it together? And then you're all telling me to 'come on, just dance'? Okay, I'm not sure if you know how this works, but when you're a nerdy guy who sucks at dancing, it only becomes tolerable when you're drunk. And it only becomes fun when you're wasted. Classic messing with the bull and getting the horns situation.
  • A friendly reminder: if you're making a speech at a wedding, keep it short. You're not Stephen Colbert who's gonna go up there and entertain the masses with some mind melting oration. You're going to ramble and look like an idiot and probably stumble into something awkward. Don't be that person with the terrible speech.
  • If you're a wedding DJ/band and you don't play any Taylor Swift then you need to find a new profession. Maybe go to trade school and become some union manual laborer. This line of work ain't your thang.  

PPS - Just heard the news about Clement needing surgery. That... sucks. No other way to spin it. Not only are we a worse team without him, but all you ever heard from him since he arrived is how he was going to wait his turn until he was the top dog in the backfield. Really just feel bad for him. Hopefully he comes back healthy and can help us upset Michigan State in Indy. Looking forward to that.

PPPS - Just kidding, can totally spin this:

Sunshine, COMING IN HOT. Clement's injury kind of a blessing in disguise for the #StaveHeisman campaign. Gotta ride the Stave Train all the way to port.

4xPS - Welcome to Wisconsin Football 2k15:

CHICAGO BADGERS: Bless all that is a night game in September. Life is good. Even though it's a relatively weak opponent, I'd anticipate Will's being pretty packed Saturday night. Just get there early and drink it down.


Thursday, September 17, 2015


Probably one of the most boring 58-0 games I've ever seen. But it's an acceptable type of boring, because it definitely beats a nail-biter against a joke of a school like Miami of the Ohio. I never checked their Twitter account after the game, but I'm going to safely assume they did not go back to the statistical analysis. At the end of the day, they learned with the rest of the teams on our schedule are going to learn themselves: Stave is fo' REAL. But it's not just Stave that has taken a leap: our receivers were steaming hot garbage last year. Well, they've been trash ever since Abbrederis left. Seeing their improvement this year has me thinking that coaching can really have a big effect on players - even in the short term. Wheelwright is out there snagging touchdowns away from his body like we always hoped he could. Erickson remains rock solid. Even Dare looked respectable in the passing game.

Overall, you have to like what you've seen so far from the Badger passing attack, especially given that the rushing game has been borderline nonexistent so far. The Chyrst Effect? Perhaps.

Now I just spend games hoping we don't get ahead by too much. Can't have them pulling Stave early and limiting his numbers. We've got a Heisman campaign to run here.


CHICAGO BADGERS: I'm traveling to the exotic land of MINNESOTA for a wedding, enjoy being able to get to Will's before kickoff without setting an alarm. That's what we live for.


Thursday, September 10, 2015

Miami (Ohio)

As the immortal #Swiftness says, shake it off. No other way to respond to the Alabama game than shaking that loss off and moving on to bigger and better things. I think deep down we all knew we were in real trouble when Caputo's head was floating in a different galaxy a minute into the game. Watching him line up on the wrong side of the ball and have absolutely no idea where he was was downright horrifying. Hopefully he takes his time and gets back to full strength, because we're going to need him this year.

And there were some positives: Stave's Heisman campaign is off to a solid start. The ball was coming out quickly and for the most part was on target. He spread it around and we got contributions from half the damn team catching the ball. I like that. On the other side of the ball, TJ Edwards led the way with 12 tackles - another good omen for the rest of the year.

So you won't find me dwelling anything. NO DWELL SITUATION. Time to take care of business and defend the Camp.

PS - How do we feel about calling Camp Randall "The Camp"? I think I used to hate it, but ever since that video serious it's warmed on me. I think I'm just about ready to go all in.

PPS - Love going all in.

CHICAGO BADGERS: Don't miss MUSKY FEST at Will's this Saturday. I love Musky Fest, mainly because the smart ones know that we can be easily bribed with cheese curds and baked goods. Yes, that's a lovely elaborate vote box you've crafted (PINTEREST WORTHY), but you had me at peanut butter chocolate chip cookie bars. Mmmmmmmmmm


Thursday, September 3, 2015

#3 Alabama


2) Every other week
3) Shark Week

That's it. So whatever is bringing you down this week, just remember that not only is it game week, but it's SEASON OPENER ALABAMA NIGHT GAME WEEK. That's the kinda magic you need to bottle up and save for a miserable day later in the year, just to remember how awesome life can be. So yeah it's a thousand degrees in September for no apparent reason and the week is officially dragging but WHATEVER. Game Week. Bama. Night Game.

Yes, it's just one game. But the LSU game was just one game last year and we learned all KINDS of important things from it (like that Gary Andersen was kind of a boner!). So, what will we learn this year?
  • If our O-Line is ready to continue the tradition... or take a step back
  • If Corey Clement is the next stud Wisconsin running back... or just another guy
  • If Sojourn Shelton is about to be that shutdown corner we hoped for... or go back to sophomore slump status
  • If Stave is truly ready to make his Heisman push... or jk he's def ready to make his Heisman push
Fine. Maybe not ALL of these will be definitively answered Saturday night. But one way or another, we'll head into the rest of the season knowing if it's going to be a special one, or a don't-have-to-schedule-your-life-around-Badger-football kinda season.

Who am I kidding. I'll still schedule my life around UW football.


CHICAGO BADGERS: I'll give the same warning this year that I gave last year: do not stroll up to Will's an hour before kickoff and expect to get a table (or even get in without waiting in line). If you're confused about this, just scroll back up to that part about season opener Alabama night game.

LET'S go!



Thursday, August 27, 2015

2015 Season Preview

I've unscientifically deduced that August is the fastest month in the world. It's already August 27th? How is that possible? Even Father Sky and Mother Earth are confused and are tossing us sexy fall weather this week. And that weather is the most pleasant reminder around that Wisconsin and Alabama will be playing a football game right soon. GLORY.

You really couldn't ask for a better game to start the Paul Chryst era (other than this game being in a real college stadium in front of real college fans). And it's an era I'm oddly optimistic on. Was he a sexy hire? Nah. Is he going to KILLCRUSH the recruiting scene? Probably not. But he's going to lead juggernaut offenses. reestablish the relationships with the Wisconsin high school coaches that GA damaged, and let Aranda run a dirty defense. That's a recipe that can cook up some playoff appearances in the future.

Cautious optimism. Feel it in your bones.

STILL LOOKING FOR REFERRALS: Hit me back with email addresses and I'll add your friends/sisters/cousins/fraternity bros/grandparents to the list. Gracias.


Before we look to da future, we must pay respects to those that have left us. Rest in peace, celebrities ranging from obscure to legendary.
  • Rowdy Roddy Piper & Dusty Rhodes, WWE Legends. It's no secret that pro wrastlers live hard and they live fast. And yet, it still hits like a sack of bricks when you hear the news that hall of famers like Rowdy Roddy and Dusty Rhodes have passed away.
  • Jerry Weintraub, Producer of Ocean's 11. Seriously, Ocean's 11 is sneakily one of my favorite movies ever. And I'm not talking about the original old people version - I'm talking about George Clooney and Brad Pitt and Matt Damon being awesome at thievery. Any guy who had a hand in making that movie is a total bro in my eyes.
  • Uggie, Dog. Color me surprised to see a dog show up in my intense, thorough research for celebrity deaths. But lookit the little guy!

Here's Uggie with his memoir. Uggie has a memoir. I am less accomplished than I ever nightmared about.