Wednesday, March 26, 2014

NCAA Tournament Sweet 16 & Elite 8

So that was pretty fun, right? Forget the American game (if you were actually worried at any point, reevaluate the way your life works), because that game against Oregon on Saturday was one of the most enjoyable victories I can remember. And I truly only remember the second half... and that's only because I've re-watched it 3 times and listened to the Badger radio call of it twice. Is that weird? Probably. But when you end up watching the game at a bar with dollar drinks, all bets are off. I can guarantee I was fucking loving life and riding high, which is how everyone should've felt as UW stormed back to best an annoyingly talented Oregon squad.

I said last week, anything less than a Sweet 16 appearance would be a disappointment. Well, here we are. Wisconsin is in Anaheim ready to battle with the Baylor Bears, who looked like the fucking 1992 Chicago Bulls last weekend when they beat Creighton by a thousand. Am I scared? Do I think we can win? Is Baylor really that good? LET'S INVESTIGATE

  • Location: Waco, Texas
  • Words: For Church, For Texas. VOM.COM/BAYLOR
  • Baylor?
  • Dwight's little fist pump there? Gets me every time.
  • Baylor has the best frat ever. From Wikipedia:
The Noble NoZe Brotherhood, an unofficial fraternal organization, was founded in 1924 to study the art of bridge construction in association with the BBA (Baylor Bridge Association).
Apparently bridges are REAL hot in Waco.
The NoZe Brotherhood provides the university with unusual public pranks and satirical writings in its newspaper, The Rope. Members hide their identities to keep their actions anonymous with traditional Groucho Marx glasses, theatrical wigs and beards, and outlandish garb to protect against backlash from Baylor administration when satirically jesting at University policies.
This is perfectly normal.
Baylor lore has it that to enter the group, one must have a GPA of 4.0 or 0.4, endure rigorous trial and tribulation, and take part in hidden meetings.
I think this is like in Dead Man on Campus when they thought if their roommate committed suicide they'd get straight A's. In other words, GENIUS.
All other information regarding the group tends to be heavily vested, however rumor states that many alumni of the group continue to be district attorneys, federal judges, congressmen and other political activists.
Well doesn't that just make buckets of sense.
  • Baylor has THREE mascots: Judge Joy (real, live bear), Judge Lady (real, live bear), and Bruiser (fake, costumed bear). I know you're wondering if the three of them are ever in the same cage at the same time and I WISH I knew the answer to that. Would Joy and Lady eat Bruiser's face off? Would it be like a dog humping a stuffed animal because it doesn't know any better? Do Joy and Lady ever get to go to the games?
Real animals? Adorable. Mascot animals? ODDLY CREEPY

  • Bill Townsend, founder of Lycos. I am ETERNALLY fascinated with old school non-Google search engines. Like, I know Billy doesn't lose any sleep over losing the Search Wars given that he's had a hand in LinkedIn and GeoCities. This asshole is probably so stupidly rich that he could have a couple pet bears of his own if he wanted. But I think it's so cool that there were all these people right on the cusp of the internet blowing up with similar ideas, and only the Google Russians straight killed it. Jonny AltaVista and Mike Excite probably crush High Life's together wondering what could have been.
  • Tan Joe Hok, Indonesian badminton HERO. That is legitimately his title on Wikipedia. A badminton HERO. How does a kid from West Java end up at Baylor and then become the best Indonesian badminton player of all-time? I don't know, but I probably wouldn't read the book or see the movie. Related:
  • Willie Nelson, country music singer. Do I know any songs by Willie Nelson? Do you have to be a total hippie stoner to appreciate him? Apparently he's won SIX Grammys, which seems outrageous because country music shouldn't even be eligible for that many awards. Although... he was born during the Great Depression, which is hard to even understand.
  • John R. Kane, American badass. Let's see: he played basketball and football while at Baylor. When he was traveling with the basketball team, their bus was hit by a train. 10 of the 22 on board died - Kane had just a few scratches on him. When WWII came around, Kane enlisted and was sent to the Mediterranean Theatre of War, which has to be one of the best Theatres of War available. I LOVE the phrase 'Theatre of War'. While there, he flew 43 combat missions with a B-24 crew that were so daring, the Germans dubbed him Killer Kane. KILLER KANE! That is fucking incredible. When they make the movie for Unbroken, I need them to find a way to get Killer Kane in there. His story isn't nearly as remarkable as Zamperini's, but that's only because Zamperini lived the most insane life in the history of the world.
  • Howard E. Butt Jr., president of the H.E. Butt Foundation. Pretty torn on whether or not it would be cool to have 'Butt' as your last name. You gotta figure, every kid's getting made fun of for something, right? Wouldn't you rather get made fun of because your name is 'Butt' than having kids pick on you for being an albino or something REALLY weird? And given that he's a Butt JUNIOR, you gotta figure the Butts are sitting on a big old pile of BUTT MONEY. Any money is good money, but butt money is GREAT money. Second only to #HouseMoney. OFFICIAL MONEY POWER RANKINGS:
1) #HouseMoney
2) Butt Money
3) Free Money
4) Cash Money
5) Wet Money

CHICAGO BADGERS: I hope you're ready for a terrible Friday, because we're getting after it at Will's tomorrow. Standard gameday rules in effect, late enough tip to get there on time from work, and yet an early enough tip to get all weird and still make it home at a reasonable hour. PERFECT TIP.

My only advice for Friday would be to make eye contact with absolutely no one and try not to breathe, and take a very hot shower, drink some water, and listen to Sugar Ray on the way to work. I promise you'll be fine if you do EXACTLY that. #NeverFails

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

NCAA Tournament 1st & 2nd Rounds


If you're reading this, that means the MURDER ICE has not killed you. It means that you've survived everything this abomination of a winter has thrown at you. You've survived subzero wind chills and home losses to Northwestern and St. Patrick's Day debauchery. Your reward? The single greatest sporting event in the history of the world.

No more room for error. No more coming out flat and worrying about the next one. It's time to nut up or shut up. And I gotta be honest - I'm predicting a whole lot of NUTTIN' UP. You can forget that MSU game; no team in the country was beating them the way they were playing. Instead, focus on the Minnesota game where the Badgers were executing on offense and playing solid D. That's the team I'm expecting to show up during the tournament starting on Thursday against American.

  • Their entire enrollment is roughly the size of the UW football student section. BUT WOULD THE ENTIRE AMERICAN UNIVERSITY STUDENT BODY SHOW UP ON TIME FOR AN 11 AM KICKOFF AGAINST PUDUE?
  • American has been named 'most politically active school' by The Princeton Review a bunch of times. Top party school vs. top politically active school. I think I am okay with the choice I made.
  • The American Eagles mascot is named Clawed the Eagle, which is absolutely fucking brilliant:

At first, I was stumped: Why is Clawed wearing sneakers? And why did I just say 'sneakers' like I'm 1992 Jerry Seinfeld? But then I remembered that eagle talons are absolutely TERRIFYING:

GAHHH those are so frightening. Thank GOD Clawed covers up his talons of doom with some kicks. Are eagle feet SCALED? I think I'm just very relieved that no human has ever been attacked by an eagle since they're our unofficial national mascot. The only enjoyable part of googling 'clawed the eagle' was finding eagle-clawed-marxist.jpg:


Well. Can't say I'm comfortable with MARXIST eagle talons either. SOLVED:


(I had to google 'Marxism' to really figure out where I was going with that caption.)

  • Jordan Belfort, the REAL Wolf of Wall Street. Belfort majored in biology at American, went to dentistry school, quit, and then started doing cocaine, pulling Wall Street strange, and swindling billions of dollars.* In conclusion, American University caused the banking crisis and destroyed the United States economy. Wisconsin 1, American 0.
  • Mark Murphy, President and CEO of the Green Bay Packers. The Packers NEVER draft Badgers, but I think they kinda have to take Borland this year. Middle linebacker is a need, and Borland is arguably the best middle linebacker to ever be on the cusp of playing in the NFL. I'm also convinced that Borland and Rodgers will immediately become best friends who compete in every game imaginable. Locker room ping pong. Throwing footballs at the crossbar from the 50 while blindfolded. Possibilities are endless. I don't want this to happen. I need this to happen.
  • Danny Glover, actor. You know what? I don't think he ever went to American. I think this is a lie. But at the same time, Angels in the Outfield is as American as America gets. Verdict? COUNT IT
  • William Moulton Marston, inventor and comic book artist. Marston created Wonder Woman AND invented the polygraph? How are those things even in the same ballpark? Fuck this guy. You should only be allowed to do ONE impressive thing with your life. Save SOMETHING for the rest of us. If any of you have ever taken a polygraph, PLEASE let me know. And if you failed and got arrested or something else terrible, you can blame American University.
  • Jesse Itzler, AKA Jesse Jaymes, American musician, rapper, producer, and entrepreneur. Wait. THIS Jesse Jaymes went to a world-renowned political institution?

A Jewish rapper at one point gave Clawed the Eagle a high five at an American University basketball game? When is my head supposed to not explode here? FINE. Let's dig deeper into the life of Jesse Jaymes:
Itzler is the co-founder of Sheets energy strips, a dissolvable energy-supplement brand that has made a splash in recent months with its "I Take a Sheet" advertising campaign. He counts LeBron James among his co-founders and vocal artists Drake and Pitbull among his partners.
Well we kinda HAVE to watch one of those commercials, don't we?

I wanna take a sheet on Tom Crean's couch!

*I have not seen The Wolf of Wall Street, but I will safely assume this is exactly what happened in the movie.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Big Ten Tournament

Unlike the rest of Chicago, the snow doesn't bother me. It looks cool, it sounds cool, and it provides ample canvases to draw dicks and Motion Dubs on car windshields. I love all of that.

Ice, on the other hand, is a completely different story.

As of 3/13/14, I am officially terrified of ice. I hate it. It's a silent killer that shows no mercy. Take Dan Curry, for example. Wednesday afternoon, Dan was walking around downtown when
ice unloaded a SNEAK ATTACK on his head:

"It hurt. It felt like a baseball had hit me in the head," Curry said. "The thing that really scared me was that there was a lot of blood, and I reached up and my hands were filled with blood and there was blood all over the place."

BLOOD EVERYWHERE. And was the ice satisfied with its initial attack?
"[Good Samaritans] carried me underneath the roof because more icicles started [ATTACKING]... I was the only one who got hit," Curry said. "It was frightening, because there's nothing you can do. You can't walk in the street, you can't walk next to the building because you don't know where the icicles are going to [ATTACK], and you can't look up."
This was no isolated incident. Multiple people have been treated for injuries after ice-related attacks in the Loop. One of the entrances to the Willis Tower had to be shut down this morning:
Barricades were used to cordon off the Franklin Street side of the building between Jackson Boulevard and Adams Street between 8 a.m. and 9 a.m., officials said. No injuries were reported.

There was "ice in the air in the area," said Bill Utter a spokesman for Willis Tower.  "As a precaution, we did close the Franklin Street entrance briefly."
Evil ice MILLING ABOUT in the air.

So what do you do? Staying off the sidewalks seems like a good idea. Might be a good time to drive to work. Except, of course, that ice don't give a fuck if you're on foot or in a car:

In another incident, the windshield of an SUV driving along Lake Shore Drive at Roosevelt Road was shattered after a block of ice blew off a passing vehicle.

The thought of driving down Lake Shore Drive and having an ice bomb assault my windshield makes me want to wrap myself in a blanket and never leave my apartment.

Whatever. Humans are terrible and have caused a lot of destruction on this planet. I guess I can see why the ice is fighting back.

This bitterly cold winter seems to be wearing down everyone. It’s also having a dramatic impact on the ducks who usually flourish along the shores of Lake Michigan.
“We’ve brought in close to 40 ducks so far,” said Josh Engel, a research assistant at the Field Museum.
The bodies are now gathered in a Field Museum lab with other waterfowl that have been collected along the lakefront in recent days.
All of them were starved to death.
Record amounts of ice coating the lake is to blame, keeping the birds from their only source of food.
“It just seems like they literally can’t find enough food and are starving,” said Engel.
The dozens found dead so far are likely just the tip of it.
Sorry, Dan Curry, your bleeding skull means NOTHING compared to MASS DUCK MURDER. Ducks are fucking adorable and harmless. They lose their shit over UNTOASTED pieces of bread. They precariously march single-file across busy streets and cars stops because LOOKIT THE LITTLE DUCKS. And now ice is hoarding all their food and laughing as they starve to death. We've got WATERFOWL GENOCIDE happening right under our noses, and all people do is talk about how they're 'over' snow and 'really want spring right about now'.

Leave snow alone. MURDER ICE is by far the worst part of winter. And it's not going down without a fight.


1) The Third Rail
2) Cops on horses
3) Murder Ice
4) Face tattoos
5) Raw chicken
6) Killer Whales

PS - There is nothing that offends me more than this:

Okay. What am I supposed to do? Look up the entire time? Walk really fast? ZIG ZAG? That sign might as well say, 'CAUTION: YOU MIGHT DIE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP MURDER ICE'

PPS - What's spookier? Ice falling onto your windshield while driving, or this:

I'm not even sure, and now apparently I have to start looking straight up through the sunroof while driving to prevent death via ice sneak attack/falling dead convict. This is a hard world we're living in. Head on a swivel at all times.


CHICAGO BADGERS: I don't know about you, but it's been WAY too long since I've been at Will's. So when I saw that our first game was going to be at 5:30 this Friday, I got that itch. And the only way to scratch that itch is with stadium cups and cheese curds and girls with red bows and hopefully MEAT AND CHEESE TRAYS. Heading there straight from work. Can't wait. See y'all there.

PS - I've been informed there might be a mini-halftime raffle. My never-ending quest to win a Wisco scarf in the Will's Halftime Raffle resumes FRIDAY.

PPS - If any of you ever win the scarf in the raffle I'm going to lose my brain.

PPPS - "Wah, I'm staying in Friday because I'm drinking all day Saturday." Psh, that's why we drink EARLY AND OFTEN Friday so you can still retire at a reasonable hour and not have to battle a wicked hangover monster Saturday morning. This is logic you need to get behind.

4xPS - Just realized that if we win Friday, we kind of HAVE to go back to Will's on Saturday. OH WELL

Thursday, March 6, 2014

at Nebraska

Not many people comment here on the blog. And I don't expect them to. But someone dropped a bomb of a comment last week and I feel like they deserve a full response. Take it away, J:
As a fellow Badger fan, and a recent fan of your blog... I have a question:

Do you actually like Chicago?
I do!
Allow me to explain. I grew up in Madison (,Wisconsin) and spent the formative years of my life in the 90's going to County Stadium for Brewers-Cubs games and hearing enormous roars when the 'Crew LOST. Damn. (Let it be known: the Brewers were terrible. To put it in perspective: Jeff Cirillo was once the only Brewer Allstar. Wow.) ANYWAY; I now, as an adult, still run into Chicago people wearing their Cubs hats to every social occasion (I saw one at a friend's wedding last year. I thought that Wisconsin is supposed to have the rednecks)
Given that I've seen a guy BYOWC (bring your own White Castle) to a nice wedding here in Chicago, I'm not going to disagree with you right there.
and tolerate their "Miller Park? You mean Wrigley Field North," comments, and I retort: The Brewers have been to more World Series during five Presidents than the Cubs have through five major world conflicts (WWI, WW2, Vietnam, Cold War, Iraq2). 

Other reasons I hate Chicago:

People are unusually fat and rude.
Is this a Wisconsin person calling Chicagoans fat? What the-
Contrast this with Wisconsites who are fat and polite.
Oh. Got it.
Ever hear of anyone complaining about how rude Packer fans are? No? What about Bears fans? I rest my case.
Agreed, Bears fans are terrible people.
Everyone I know who is from Chicago is a total dick. Therefore: it's impossible to make friends from Chicago.
Chicago is cold and miserable 11 out of 12 months of the year. Wait, is there a nice month in Chicago? September maybe?
Someone from Wisconsin complaining about the weather in Chicago hurts my brain.
More about Illinois in general, but: TOLLBOOTHS! And their highways aren't that spectacular. I honestly expect - for, what, $1.75 every 10 miles? - perfectly square highways and diamond-crested shoulders. 
WTF is a 'square' highway?
I was once in Chicago attending a Sonic Youth concert. I was in the front row at Union Park. SY was playing Daydream Nation front to back and people were FREAKING OUT. The fence got knocked down 3 times, people were getting crushed, everyone was soaked in a sticky ensemble of beer, sweat and marijuana crumbs.
It was awesome. And then some fucking douchebag in the front row had the audacity to turn around and (rudely - because Chicagoans know no other way) punch square in the nose a girl half his size because she wouldn't stop "bumping into him".  
Vis-à-vis, all Chicagoans beat women. And they don't beat them nicely. They beat them RUDELY.
-WTF #1: you don't hit girls. You hit their boyfriends. Everyone knows this.
-WTF #2: Why are you complaining about a hot, sweaty little blonde girl with a huge rack grinding on you at a concert? Just sayin', bro.
But what if she had MARIJUANA CRUMBS all over herself?
Reasons I love Chicago:

Outside of New York or Portland/Seattle, Chicago has the best music scene in the union. Can't deny that.

It's a beautiful looking city. And not just because it's on a major geographic landmark and has some wonderful lakefront parks, but also because it's a classically good looking city in general. Riding the L through downtown Chicago is truly an awesome experience, one that I'm glad I only experience once in a while.
Only in September.
As an aside, I currently live in Denver, Colorado - a beautiful city because it has the Rocky Mountain Range. If Denver didn't have mountains as a backdrop, it would be Albuquerque, New Mexico. 
Denver is cool because it has mountains, Alburquerque would be cool if it had mountains, and Chicago has fat, rude, redneck douchebags who punch women in the nose. Got it. Updating the Wikipedia pages as we speak.
Chicago has great food. And there is no where else in the world where you can get deep dish pizza. If you aren't in Chicago, don't even think about it.
Enjoy your blog lots! Keep it coming. GO BADGERS!

I'm being 100% serious and 0% sarcastic when I tell you that you're my new favorite reader. Hit me up next time you're in Chicago and we'll grab some pizza and punch some girls together. Call that a 'Tuesday' in the Chi.