Thursday, December 27, 2012

Rose Bowl vs. #6 Stanford


Feels good to have an actual football game to talk about, doesn't it? After weeks of emotional roller coasters, baseless speculation, and unease over the future of the UW football program, things have settled down. We have a head coach. He's building an impressive staff while retaining some key guys. And now, we're less than a week from Barry Alvarez leading the team out one last time to take on Stanford in Pasadena.

I don't care that we've lost 5 games and people are hating on us. I really don't. It's not our fault that OSU cheated and then was too stupid to give themselves a bowl ban in a down year. It's definitely not our fault that Penn State did all the terrible, terrible things that they did for years. We can't control that. All we can do is play the games on the schedule, and that's exactly what we're going to do.

So how important is it to win this game? I know it's the Rose Bowl and for some, that's inherently a big deal. But given the whirlwind of crap that has engulfed the program over the last month, couldn't we all use a nice, high-note ending to a tumultuous year? Don't we want Barry to re-retire with a FOUR and OH YEAH record in Rose Bowls? Shouldn't we enter 2013 with some serious momentum as we return an abundance of talent and break in a new coach? I SAY YES YES YES.

CHICAGO BADGERS: Mention the Badger Preview at the door at Will's and receive an extra raffle ticket! Actually, I'm just kidding, that's not real, they're not gonna do that. But you can imagine what it'd be like if they did, right? Let's be honest, we're only going to Will's until I win the damn raffle. Once I win (and you know I'm gonna win the worst item possible, like Bucky toe shoes or something horrifying), you're free to go to other bars. But until that day, we will go to Will's. I will try to take over the jukebox. And we will have a good time. This paragraph is chock full of guarantees.

LET'S go!



Thursday, December 20, 2012

Pre-Rose Bowl Mailbag!

This could be the last thing you read before the world ends. Let that settle in. I'm gonna go get drunk, because I plan on riding off into the sunset completely hammered. Thanks for your questions. Rose Bowl Preview next week. On with the show...

Matt G:

What are you most afraid to encounter?.................... Earthquake, Tsunami, Tornado, Hurricane, Volcano, Mudslide, Flood

Reverse order:

7) Floods

Maybe this makes me an idiot, but I don't understand floods. Shouldn't all that water KEEP FLOWING somewhere? Humor me and pretend the earth is flat for a second, because the amount of land affected by a flood is small enough in the grand scheme of things that the slight curvature of it is immaterial. I SOUND LIKE A SCIENTIST. Anyway, I don't care how much water is pouring in, but how the hell does it accumulate that quickly in one condensed area? Even with all the buildings and trees and cars and other obstacles, why doesn't it keep on rushing out of there? Is there a minimum amount of water flowing in at a minimum amount of speed to make flooding a thing? Anyway, I would just hop in a kayak and get my aerobic exercise in for the day. No biggie. Applicable Movie: Titanic. A flood on a boat sounds super spooky.

6) Earthquakes

Aren't earthquakes really only unpredictable if you live on a fault line? I think that should be on any property listing: School district, square footage, proximity to fault lines. Applicable Movie: Knocked Up. Where I learned that earthquakes kill more bongs per capita than people.

5) Volcanoes

If you live in the shadow of a giant volcano, I'll assume that you have your volcano escape plan memorized and ready to execute should the mountain start steaming. But still, nothing is stopping the volcano from doing a MIDNIGHT SNEAK ATTACK a la Pompeii. I keep thinking they should've realized that shit was getting wrecked... but how would they have known? Volcanoes are kinda silent killers in their own right. Do you hear volcanoes erupting? I have no idea because I've never been within dying-by-lava distance of a volcano. At the same time, I would LOVE to make some s'mores over a nice lava pit. Applicable Movie: Dante's Peak. Why didn't the town listen to Pierce Brosnan? Grandma wouldn't have had to trudge through an acid lake (is that a real thing that happens?) if everyone just heeded Pierce's wise advice. Dude was in tune with volcanoes like Emilio Estevez knew that the ice could hold a limo in Mighty Ducks. You don't question this kind of genius.

4) Hurricanes

The only reason hurricanes aren't more terrifying is because they're probably the most predictable out of all of these disasters. Days before a hurricane makes landfall, we get weathermen everywhere showing us the badass hurricane symbol's path towards land. Obviously, once hurricanes get there they fuck shit up. No one denies this. But compared to the other destruction machines, we can at least say, 'Hey, hurricane a comin', prepare yourself cuz it's about to get weird.' I really hope Lake Michigan cannot spawn hurricanes. Applicable Movie: The Perfect Storm. Only thing worse than one hurricane is three hurricanes having an orgy on your fishing boat. Every time I watch that movie (not my fault it's on TNT every other week) I trick myself into thinking they're gonna make it. Yeah, no problem, George Clooney saved lives in an emergency room, he killed vampires, he stole Kuwaiti gold, he can captain a small fishing vessel through a triple hurricane. HE GOT THIS.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Big Ten Championship - #12 Nebraska

This really feels like a championship season, doesn't it? LET'S RECAP:
  • Brought DOB in to run the offense, he sucked, was replaced by a freshman who started looking good until he broke his shoulder, and now we have a 5th year senior with THREE ACL surgeries behind him taking snaps.
  • Lost to Oregon State, who held Montee to 61 yards
  • Fired our offensive line coach after that game
  • Beat Utah State only because we had an 82 yard punt return for a touchdown and their kicker missed a 37 yard field goal at the end of the game. UTAH STATE
  • Lost by 3 to Nebraska in a game where we brought a QB in cold off the bench to run the 2 minute drill. Perfectly logical.
  • Lost in OT to MSU after giving up a late TD to tie it.
  • Lost in OT to OSU in a game we dominated statistically.
  • Lost in OT to Penn State
5 losses by a combined 19 points. And hang on, let's talk about that Penn State game for a hot minute. If you were paying close attention, you may have noticed the number '42' on PSU helmets and this guy on the sideline:

That's Penn State linebacker Michael Mauti. He recently injured his knee badly enough that he could not play against Wisconsin - Senior Day. I'll preface this by saying that it is quite sad for a kid to get hurt before his last collegiate game. I truly think it is. BUT GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK ESPN.

You're supposed to give an independent broadcast lacking any bias or favor, yet your entire production was centered around Mauti and how brave and strong everything Penn State is. He hurt his knee. It sucks. But last I checked, HE DIDN'T DIE. This isn't a fucking Disney movie. Gerry Bertier getting smoked by a drunk driver in Remember the Titans is a MILLION times sadder and that's a goddamn MOVIE.

Do you know why teams put initials and numbers on their jerseys/gloves/bats/helmets? To honor people that have passed away. Former owners. Legendary players. Humanitarians. NOT for guys with busted knees. I wonder what's going through Curt Phillips' head seeing people fawning over Mauti and his busted knee when Phillips himself has had THREE freaking ACL surgeries.

I doubt I'd be this worked up over it if ESPN didn't cut to him jumping up and down on the sidelines (I'll spare you the 'he doesn't look very hurt...' observation... OR WILL I?) in his jeans after EVERY FUCKING PLAY. Combine that with the shots of brave Penn State fans standing up to adversity (VOM.COM/KILLME.jpg) and our sad, predictable demise, and you get one of the worst 3 hour broadcasts in ESPN history.

PS - Not going for two for the second consecutive week to prevent an overtime where you just KNEW we were gonna lose is beyond frustrating. Our ticket to Indy has been punched for weeks, GO FOR THE KILL BIELEMA.

PPS - The sooner this abomination of a football season is over, the better off we'll all be.

CHICAGO BADGERS: WILLSonWILLSonWILLS if you're not going to Indy. I'm not doing Indy. I don't wanna talk about it.

SHAMELESS PLUG: Last chance to donate to my Movember cause. Think of the countless hours I put into these just for YOUR enjoyment. To those of you who have donated, I thank you. I like you more than everyone else.

PS - Can't wait for 12/1, mustaches are terrible, and mine is such a pathetic attempt at one that I've brought shame and dishonor to my family's name.




How long would it take to get used to having just one eye? I covered my left eye just now and I'm pretty sure I'd walk into a bus or fall down a flight of stairs in about 30 seconds if I lost an eye. Things I never want getting fucked up:
  1. Eyes
  2. Crotchal region
  3. Spleen
  4. Orbital bone
  5. Back
I've never heard anything positive about spleens. If you're talking about your spleen, there's a good chance that you're in a whole world of hurt and I don't wanna play that game anytime soon. Or ever. And orbital bones. Fracturing my orbital bone makes me want to wear a helmet everywhere I go. There's no way that's a fun injury.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

@ Penn State

This is where I tell you that this is gonna be an abridged version due to Thanksgiving and all the other chaos associated with this week, but I'll probably still get carried away. Oh well.



Thursday, November 15, 2012

Ohio State

  • Indiana, despite being a game away from making the B1G Championship, is still Indiana
  • Wisconsin, despite struggling to find a consistent offensive rhythm this year, is still Wisconsin
  • Curt Phillips is still a mystery, but at least he didn't tear another ACL
  • You shouldn't keep important players in when the game is decided and your schedule is tough the rest of season. NEED HEALTHY BORLAND

That's pretty much it. Don't get me wrong, I love beating teams a million to seven, but the games tend to get a little boring. And we still have no idea what we have in Phillips. This woulda been a great opportunity to let him throw 15-20 passes to see where his arm strength is at and how he's going through his progressions... but according to Bielema, the score didn't really dictate doing anything other than running.

So that's where we're at. Our ticket is punched for Indy, but before we get there we have some business to tend to. Namely, Urban Meyer and big bad OSU come to Camp Randall for a game that simultaneously means nothing and everything. Well maybe 'everything' is a slight exaggeration. Regardless, the road to Indy will almost certainly go through Columbus in the near future, and it'd be really nice for Bielema to start off 1-0 against Urban. DO IT.

CHICAGO BADGERS: If you're not going to Madison this weekend then I don't even want to talk to you.

SHAMELESS PLUG: Hey! It's my Movember page! We should all totally donate some money to a good cause and maybe Brandon will include a pic of his devious mustache attempt in next week's Preview!




Thursday, November 8, 2012

@ Indiana

Why do I keep hearing that Indiana controls their own destiny to make the Rose Bowl? Don't we control their destiny? Last time I checked, losing to Indiana in football is-

Hold on. Scratch all of that. News just broke that Curt Phillips will be starting at quarterback for Wisconsin this weekend. Here's your up-to-the-minute primer on Curt Phillips:
  • Recruited as a mobile, running QB
  • Has had THREE ACL surgeries
  • As a result, is not as mobile or as good of a runner as he used to be
  • Is not Danny O'Brien
That is literally everything you've ever need to know about him. I find it very difficult to believe that he'll be moving well enough to make up for average at best arm strength and a complete lack of game experience. But then again... he's not DOB. And DOB has looked miserable in just about every game he's played in this year. I'm well aware that the offensive line hasn't done him any favors, but when they break down for Stave, he takes a 2 yard sack. When they break down for DOB, he loses 30 yards. You can't have plays like that and expect to win, let alone keep your job.

And with that, enter: Curt Phillips. I should point out that I sincerely admire that he's battled back from 3 ACL injuries. That's incredibly impressive, and at the very least any questions about his work ethic or desire to play should be answered. But I have a hard time envisioning this team doing anything on the offensive side of the ball if we can't push around the other team's front 7. Can we do that against IU? Jesus Christ I hope so. But with OSU and PSU looming (and a potential B1G Championship Game), a 1-3 finish to the season sounds about right. Depression level: MAXIMUM.

CHICAGO BADGERS: 11 am game. Come up with your list of excuses now, send them to me, and I'll promptly respond with reasons you're wrong. Get up, drink and enjoy the day. If you haven't noticed, the gamedays are disappearing RAPIDLY. We've hit basketball season, and that means time is running out on football. SAVOR THE FLAVOR

SHAMELESS PLUG: Once again, I'm gonna ask to please consider tossing a few bucks to my Movember efforts. I'd love to have a little more there before I try shaking down my company. You can make this a tax write-off, whatever an actual write-off even is. Any amount helps. Thanks.

Onward... to a football game involving Indiana with huge implications for both teams. Never thought that would be possible in our lifetimes. Seriously. Before this season I woulda put a lot of money on the US electing a lesbian president before Indiana sniffing the B1G Championship Game. I am a terrible gambler.



Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Bye Week Mailbag Part 2!

Before getting into Part 2, a quick word: I've decided to participate in Movember, which means I will be growing a ridiculous attempt at a mustache to raise money for a very, very good cause. It is also my birthday this month. I'd like to COMBINE those two, so I'm asking anyone who's willing to donate to my Movember fund. This gets you completely off the hook for getting me a birthday present, which is a good thing for you since the only thing on my bday list is this. Give however much you want, do it anonymously if that helps (BUT NO FAUX ANONYMITY), but I'd really appreciate it if you could help me out. I promise to share pics of whatever monstrosity grows out of this experience. Here is a link to my page, where you can see my mom has already jumped on the 'donate instead of getting him a birthday present' bandwagon.

Many thanks in advance. And now back to your questions.

Matt G:

Thinking of Homeland..........If you had to join one branch branch of military/government service what would it be and why? I think Director of CIA would be awesome.

Well yeah, in theory being the Director of the CIA would be pretty badass. But you also have to make some decisions that will result in people dying - whether they're your people or dirty terrorists. That's a lot of pressure.

And hang on. This only works if you have to pick a branch and then work your way up. You can't say army and proclaim yourself Secretary of Defense. If you could pick whatever title you wanted, it wouldn't really matter which branch you were in since you'd be so high up and far removed from the rigors of military service. So no, you can't just be CIA Director. Now that we're clear, let's go branch by (Michelle) branch:


I'm gonna pass on the Army. The entry level position for the Army essentially entails being a pawn in a giant chess match of war. That means you're either gonna die, or battle forever and try and make it to the end so you get a bump, like when you get to bring your queen back from the dead in real chess. I don't like those odds, and I don't wanna get shot in the ass in Afghanistan even IF that would give me a lifetime supply of Lieutenant Dan impressions.


Yeah, right. Nothing against the Navy since the only person I really know who went into the armed services went the seaman route, but I suck at water. I don't think I'm claustrophobic, but the idea of being in a sub a thousand miles under the sea doesn't tickle my fancy. PASS


Do they count as like a sub section of the Army? Let's just say that if I'm too soft for the Army, joining the Marines is borderline insane.


FUCK YEAH TOP GUN I COULD BE LIKE TOM CRUISE. And then reality hits like the force of ejecting your skull into your cockpit windshield and you quickly realize that maybe you don't wanna have a job where one of the occupational hazards is being sucked into a jet engine.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Bye Week Mailbag Part 1!

Sid K:

What are our chances with Danny O'Brien at QB?

Well they're certainly not good. Look, I don't wanna write DOB off just yet - there's no fun in that, and I simply do not believe he is this bad. So I'm going to give him ONE more game before I make up my mind. I think with 2 weeks to prepare for Indiana, Canada can come up with a gameplan that's tailored to DOB's strengths and weaknesses. It was pretty damn obvious that they weren't really sure what to do with him when he came in for Stave last week. And it certainly didn't help that the offensive line looked miserable - DOB had people in his face a half second after every snap. But I'll promise you this: If he can't hold on to the ball or avoid terrible sacks, we're going to see Curt Phillips at some point before the year is over. And once that happens, you can officially transition into hoops mode.

Wait, that doesn't really answer your question. Ceiling? Losing in the B1G Championship Game. Floor? Have we locked up bowl eligibility yet? Can't believe I just had to type that question.

Ajit I:

Should I participate in No-Shave November?


Here's my rule of thumb (QUESTIONABLY SEXIST) for Movember: If you CAN grow a mustache, you are morally and legally OBLIGATED to grow a mustache. It's that simple. For 85% of the guys and 99% of the women in the world, mustaches look ridiculous. We left them in the 70's for multiple reasons. But in Movember you don't look like a fool... you look like a handsome bro raising money for a good cause. Anyone who gives you shit about how you look is most definitely PRO-CANCER. I would absolutely be participating if I could actually grow a mustache. All I get is this barely noticeable smattering of white/blond/copper/red/brown hair that looks more like something you could wipe off with a towel than actual 'stache. Although, I've never let it grow out for more than a week or so... maybe it's time to find out what kinda 'stache man I am. ON THE FENCE.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Michigan State


That's right. This weekend we're really digging deep into the hate bucket because I can't STAND Michigan State. Filthy school, ugly colors, terrible people, stupid city, worst state ever, Izzo... the list goes on and on. There's absolutely nothing redeeming about Michigan State University. And last year they jumped from a 7 to a 14 on the We Need To Burn This School To The Ground Scale with that Hail M*ry BS I had to witness in person. I've seen Sweet 16 losses in person. I've seen Rose Bowl losses in person. I've seen Cubs playoff game losses in person. None of those even compared to that game in East Lansing a year ago.

The worst part? Beating them in the B1G Championship somehow didn't even come close to healing those wounds. Sure, I had fun celebrating that night, and getting another trip to Pasadena in January is always nice. But that was our fucking shot. We win that game, and there's simply no way we come out like we did against OSU (CHEATING WASTELAND) the following week. What if we're undefeated heading into Indy? Holy shit, I get a little lightheaded just thinking about it. Why am I even doing this to myself?

I'm not sure Bielema can play the 'revenge' card considering we beat them to win the B1G, but you gotta think the guys who traveled to East Lansing a year ago are still bitter - especially the defense. I hope so. I hope they come out pissed off and beat the crap out of the Spartans.

Two words. One tag.


[Felt really good to get that all out.]

CHICAGO BADGERS: What's the deal, are we supposed to wear our Halloween costumes to Will's? Usually when Halloween weekend rolls around, I'm all about putting my costume on Friday night and not taking it off until Sunday. But that's a lot easier when you're a filthy lemur like I was a few years ago. This year, my costume requires far too much effort to rock for 48 straight hours. So F it. I'm wearing Badger gear Saturday to Will's. And I SWEAR I'm gonna win the raffle this time. I really feel it in my bones. DOG LEASH. RAFFLE WINNER. LOCK. IT. UP.



Thursday, October 18, 2012


Damn you, Bielema. Just when I was ready to write this team off and start looking forward to hoops season, you have to go and turn me into a BELIEVER again. What did you do to make Monteé Ball look like Montee Ball? How did you get the offensive line to turn into 5 Joe Thomas clones? Why is Jared Abbrederis the best receiver in UW history? When is Joel Stave getting his Big Ten Freshman of the Year award? Where is this up and down season taking us?

I can answer that last one! ONE WAY TRAIN TO INDY. Not a single shred of doubt in my mind. The two teams ahead of Wisconsin in Our Division With The Shittier Name are ineligible for Indy, and the three teams after Wisconsin are a combined 0-8 in B1G play. What does that creeper say in Hunger Games? May the odds be ever in your favor? Could the odds possibly be any MORE ever in our favor right now? Did I REALLY just make a Hunger Games reference? Ugh.

PS - OK, so yeah, I'm thinking ahead a little: After we beat Michigan in the B1G Championship Game, am I supposed to go to Pasadena for the third straight year? Totally and completely split on this:

  • Making New Years plans is arguably the least fun thing in the world, and it will be -15 degrees in Chicago.
  • The Rose Bowl is actually one of the most amazing venues I've ever been to.
  • Despite two painful defeats, I still had a lot of fun in LA the last two Januaries.
  • USC, Stanford... they don't really scare me.
  • In-N-Out.
  • I think I'm cursed and we're almost for sure gonna lose when I go.
  • If it's Oregon, I'm staying the fuck away. Not going down that road again.
  • There have to be better ways to spend all that money, like this, which I really, really wish I had for Halloween.
  • I secretly hate LA.

Tough call. Maybe I should just let the season play out before worrying about this decision. Sounds much smarter.

PPS - Might be worth going for the In-N-Out alone:


CHICAGO BADGERS: You are on your own this week. Good luck.



Thursday, October 11, 2012

@ Purdue

[Check out the BP Blog for ULTIMATE READABILITY]

I'm doing you all a favor this week. Months ago, I was fully set on heading to West Lafayette to go to this game. I've never been to Purdue, and based on the division race, this game could have been pretty damn important. But then we kinda started sucking at football, and I realized that we seem to lose pretty much every single road game I go to. So no road trip for me this weekend. No business trip to the game and right back. I'm staying put in Chicago and not chancing it, because this IS a big game. Any chance of somehow kinda-maybe-sorta 'winning' this division hinges on winning this week against the Boilermakers. I refuse to be the one who fucks that up.

(Am I allowed to claim that I'm not superstitious if I really believe in stuff like this? DISCLAIMERS: I'm all about not moving from my seat/spot if we're doing well. If I turn the game off and we make a run I don't turn it back on. I stopped watching hoops games last year when we started winning and didn't resume watching them until we lost. All of this is perfectly normal, right? I feel like I'm not doing anything out of the ordinary here. The way I look at it, either these things ACTUALLY MATTER and I'm just doing my part, or they don't but WHY RISK IT?)

CHICAGO BADGERS: I just got an email about this awesome bar called Will's. It's supposed to be a pretty legit Badger bar with giant beers and cheese curds forever and a halftime raffle that I'm definitely totally winning this week. I think we should check it out. Might be good times.



Thursday, October 4, 2012


I'm a little offended at how possible it still is for UW to make the B1G Championship game. This team has been nothing short of HORRENDOUS all year, and yet, as we enter October, a trip to Indy really wouldn't be all that surprising. True - that loss to Nebraska really sucked given how perfect of a start we got off to. But they're not in our division. And that's why these next few weeks are so important. Illinois has looked absolutely terrible this year, and with the game being played at Camp Randall, you can officially dub this one a MUST WIN SITUATION*. I'll promise you right now that if we lose this week, there's no way this team finishes over .500. It's just not possible. Wait, have I mentioned how bad Illinois is? They gave up 52 points... at home... to Louisiana Tech! Things didn't get any better last week when Penn State rolled into Champaign and completely handled the Illini. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if a B1G team comes into Madison as a two touchdown underdog given how abysmal the season has gone so far for Wisconsin, then you know they're really fucking bad.

*Calling a game a 'must-win' is among the dumber things in life that I fully endorse. I can't even begin to tell you how many must-win games my teams have lost and still recovered from.

CHICAGO BADGERS: Good luck this weekend.



Thursday, September 27, 2012

@ #22 Nebraska


MONTEE BALL BLOCKED ME ON TWITTER! I am fucking DEVASTATED. If you can't tell from the amount of caps lock I'm throwing in you grill right off the bat, this is a big deal. Might be time for another BADGER PREVIEW INVESTIGATION:


Sunday night I was watching that traveshamockery of a football game when I saw someone retweet Monteé. Odd, I thought, since I didn't see his original tweet in my feed. So I clicked on his profile, hit the 'follow' button, and was slapped with the cold, hard reality up above. Monteé Ball - one of my favorite Badgers - personally blocked me on Twitter.


As cool as I am, Monteé never followed me on Twitter. So what led him to block me?

Maybe I tweeted something negative about him. To test out that possibility, I used the ever-handy All My Tweets to check out my last 3,000ish tweets (insert your own joke about how that should cover the last 2 weeks). Here are all the mentions I've made of @M_Ball28:

  • WTF? @M_Ball28 blocked me on Twitter?! I've never been so devastated in my entire life. Sep 25, 2012
  • @jaypo1961 @M_Ball28 People get PAID for jobs… Sep 12, 2012
  • @carlyks Told my diehard Badger friend they @DangeRussWilson and @M_Ball28 are my top 2 favorite Badgers ever. I stand by that. #purewisco Aug 12, 2012
  • TMZ not painting an accurate picture? NO WAY RT @M_Ball28: The report that I was involved in a fight is totally false. Aug 02, 2012
  • RT @M_Ball28: I appreciate the support and thank you for the concerns.I will be okay! See you guys in September! #WiscONsin Aug 01, 2012
  • Love it. #MonteeBallShow #MBS RT @M_Ball28: #onwisconsin Jul 20, 2012
  • #OnWisconsin RT @M_Ball28: wisconsin boys destroyed that workout this morning.. eyes on the prize, last year was last year. 2012 #letsgetit Jun 28, 2012
  • Can't even explain how awesome it is to have @M_Ball28 and @jwhiteout20 in the backfield at the same time. #canadianpower Apr 11, 2012

So there ya go. Calling him one of my favorite Badgers, defending him when he was getting slammed for the fight, and heaping praise. I think we can safely rule out any form of Twitter bashing as the cause of him blocking me. That really leaves only one other possibility:


Or one of his friends did and let him know about it. Yeah, I poked fun at him adding the accent to his name and aired my frustration over our lack of success running the ball. But I can guarantee he's heard a thousand worse things said about him after games. So I'm not sure if I should feel awesome because Monteé Ball may have read my Preview... or crushed because he hates me as a result of it.

Regardless, I'll continue to root for Monteé because I still think he's an awesome Badger. I just wish we could sit down over a couple Gatorades and clear the air. Womp womp.

PS - Is it bad that I actually was a legit little sad over this? Stung my Badger pride.

CHICAGO BADGERS: Will's is still the best place to watch a Badger game as far as I'm concerned, so might as well go for a 5th week in a row.

SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION: I lied last week. I will actually be doing a HuffPo Live college football roundtable discussion thingy TONIGHT at 8:40 pm CST. Head over to HuffPo Live as I do everything in my power not to act a fool.

SHAMELESS PLUG #2: The better half of Statesider 302A will be taking control of ESPN980 this Saturday from 11 am - 3 pm CST. Give it a listen at He knows more about sports and less about cheese than you could ever imagine. You just might learn something.




Thursday, September 20, 2012


We have officially reached THREAT LEVEL PURPLE MIDNIGHT:

There's not much else to say. Shockingly, firing our offensive line coach after 2 weeks did not fix the offensive line. Double shockingly, benching our quarterback at halftime did not immediately cause the offense to revert back to elite mode. We just need to come to terms with the terrifying conclusion that this team is not very good. BUT THAT'S OK! They're young, and there is some talent there. It's just not ready for primetime yet. Between DOB and Stave, one of them should be able to develop into a decent QB by the end of the season or the beginning of next season. Ball's looked unimpressive so far, but White and Gordon are full of promise and potential. I guess what I'm trying to say is re-calibrate your expectations, have fun on gameday, and enjoy the ride. As bad as this team might be, the days are dark once the offseason rolls around.

PS - I tried warning people that if you see me with a marker on gameday, you'd be wise to run the other way. Consider yourselves MOTION DUBBED:

You know the weird part is that this all seemed like SUCH a good idea at the time. Also, I learned that unlike beer pong and flip cup, you do NOT get better at drawing pictures when you're hammered.

CHICAGO BADGERS: Damnit. The stars have been aligned all season. But things are changing. Winter is coming. THE 11 AM GAME HAS RETURNED. It's every man, woman and child for themselves when it comes to 11 am games. Except you really shouldn't get kids involved the type of activities we enjoy. Terrible idea.

SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION: For some reason, I will be playing EXPERT in a College Football round-table discussion-type thing on Huff Post Live next Wednesday around 7:50 pm CENTRAL. I have no idea how this is gonna play out, or how foolish I'll look and sound, but check it out if you wanna see me vidchatting from my kitchen about how miserable Wisconsin and the Big Ten are. Feel free to leave comments in there about how handsome and articulate I am. It's the internet - everything you say is TRUE.



Thursday, September 13, 2012

Utah State

THAT IS HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW. Literally impossible to sugarcoat this: what a terrible fucking loss.  It does absolutely nothing towards preventing us from winning a B1G title, but it was AWFUL to watch that game. I don't even understand how the offensive line is this pathetic. Four of the guys starting for us played significant minutes last season when we ran the ball like we were playing against little league teams. Yeah, I called them little league teams because I didn't play Pop Warner football and I don't know if I'm spelling it right or what the fuck it even is. UGH.

I made myself a promise yesterday (9/11) that I was gonna stop crying about the little things. Between watching Jerry 'The King' Lawler have a heart attack LIVE on RAW and all the 9/11 coverage that I could not stop watching, it was an emotional day. So whatever. We lost. The season's far from over, Bielema made a swift change to try and right the ship, and my 11-1 prediction is still TOTALLY POSSIBLE IF NOT A LOCK-IT-UP GUARANTEE. The Badgers, like life, will find a way.*

*I think I've now referenced Jurassic Park in every preview this season. We're on our way towards a DiMaggio-esque streak here. HOLD ON TO YOUR BUTTS.

PS - The closest thing to the 'hold on to your butts' clip on YouTube is this terrifying thing that someone with at least half of a brain and two arms actually made and thought was a good idea. You know those stats like 'Every hour, 3.4 trillion days of video is uploaded to YouTube'? That's because 3.3 trillion of those days are crap like this.

PPS - If any of your friends from rival schools give you shit about UW losing last week, just slap this in their grill and they'll shut up real quick:

CHICAGO BADGERS: You're on your own. I'll just let you know that FatPour - a new Badger bar in Wicker Park - opens this Friday. But you can't go without me because that would be totally unfair, since I wanna go and go to Big Star after and live forever and look at those fucking hipsters.



Thursday, September 6, 2012

@ Oregon State

1-0. Those are the ONLY numbers that matter. Don't be fooled into thinking that 26-21 is of any importance. Would you like to win more comfortably? Sure, it's easier on the ol' blood pressure. But as long as you leave every Saturday 1-0, you're accomplishing your goals. So yeah, I could sit here and overreact to the fact that Monteé Ball looked pedestrian, our offensive line was outplayed by Northern Iowa's D-Line, and the defense was back to its old ways of giving up big plays with blown coverages at inopportune times. Or I could enjoy the fact that Badger Football is back in our lives and we are currently undefeated. Yup, I think that's a much better plan. OPTIMISM.

With that said, we got a big one this week. It's been a rarity for Wisconsin to travel away from the warmth and comfort of Camp Randall in the non-conference portion of the schedule, but that's exactly what we're doing this week as we head west to take on the Oregon State Beavers*. One thing worth remembering: Oregon State's first game was canceled due to the menacing Jewish Hurricane Isaac, which on its surface sounds stupid because Oregon State is way the fuck over there and Isaac was all the way down South. But their first opponent was some shit school from the South, and apparently Isaac was using all the plagues to prevent them from traveling to Corvallis. The only thing worse than a poor performance in week 1 is not even HAVING a week 1. Advantage: BUCKY.

*I thought beavers were an incredibly stupid animal to make your mascot, but then I started watching AMC's Into the West miniseries. I absolutely LOVE historical miniseries, so when we saw they were re-airing it the DVR was immediately fired up. My top takeaway from episode 1? Beaver pelts were like GOLD before people started finding actual gold. Early on, one of our fair-skinned white boy settler friends bartered a pot and 30 beaver pelts for a Native American girl. Beaver pelts and a pot for a HUMAN BEING (although at the time I suppose they were considered savages, and assuming this show is relatively close to the truth, I'd have to agree). Clearly he makes her his wife, and they actually seem really happy and pregnant... until some Apache jackasses stormed their hovel and stole the baby like they were the Others from LOST. Moral of the story: Get a receipt when you trade beaver pelts for humans. Also, Indians were fucking crazy.

PS - Nice beaver

CHICAGO BADGERS: Could Will's have been any more fun last week? I really don't think so. The only chance of topping it comes this Saturday when Will's is doing their annual Muskyfest. I think this will be my 3rd Muskyfest and I still have very little idea what it actually is, but here are the facts that I've gathered:
  • There will be live music on the street next to Will's and TV's out there. MINI MIFFLIN STREET DRINKING
  • Some girl will be crowned Musky Queen 2k12 at the end of the night based on the votes of drunk idiots like us
  • Buy a drink, get a vote
  • People will be drinking very heavily as a result of that last fact
I can't think of a single reason to go anywhere else this weekend. Round 2, get it.

LAST CALL FOR REFERRALS: I promise this is the last time I'll bug you about this. Thank you to those of you who have sent me fresh blood; hopefully they don't hate you for having to deal with me from now on.

LET'S go!



I don't know who to yell at, but somebody should be yelled at for putting us on FX. That's a D-list sports network.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Northern Iowa

I have officially taken off work on Friday. Why? You see, the way I'm looking at it, if I had to go to work on Friday, time would LITRALLY STAND STILL. It would be a slow, miserable day filled with anticipation (and most likely a hangover). Instead, I get to sleep in, get some Hot Doug's*, and probably just start pre-gaming for Saturday a full day in advance. Plus, if one holiday (Labor Day) results in a three day weekend, shouldn't a double holiday (Labor Day AND UW Season Opener) yield a FOUR day weekend? This logic is ironclad and I don't think I could be more excited to not have to work the day before Badger football powers its way back into our lives. My boss put up zero debate because he knew that if I came in on Friday, I would be listening to the same 5 or 6 songs on repeat all day while incessantly checking the clock.

*Speaking of Hot Doug's, I have obviously been scoping out the menu in advance of my feast. I turn to you to help me decide. TOP CONTENDERS:
  • Taco Pork Sausage with Green Chili Mustard, Elote Relish and Queso Asadero. I do LOVE me some elotes. No idea what queso asadero is, but queso anythingadero is perfectly fine in my book.
  • Cayenne and Cheddar Pork Sausage with Chipotle Dijonnaise and Habanero-Jack Cheese. It may surprise you to know that I'm a huge fan of food spicy enough to make you sweat while eating. Whenever something has the word 'habanero' in it, my eyes lock on.
  • Ribeye Steak Sausage with Horseradish Cream Sauce, Caramelized Onions and Carrigaline Smoked Farmhouse Cheese. Steak sausage? OOOO.
  • Wild Rice and Asiago Cheese Bison Sausage with Bacon-Garlic Mayonnaise and Mustard Seed Gouda Cheese. Not a big mayo guy. HUGE bacon-garlic anything guy. CONUNDRUM.

Send your votes in ASAP, or I'm gonna end up getting a hot dog and gently weeping the rest of the night.

PS - You will NEVER guess what next week's food porn picture will be of.

: Get your crew of flunkies and join us at Will's, the most Wisconsin of all the Wisconsin bars in Chicago. Gonna recommend getting there early if you want a table/spot outside with a decent view. Hope to see you there.

STILL LOOKING FOR REFERRALS: Spread the word; send me email addresses - all that stuff.

2 freakin' days. LET'S go!



Thursday, August 23, 2012

2012 Season Preview

I'm not sure I've ever been this ready for football season to show up. Sure, I was beyond normal levels of excitement last year after the arrival of Black Jesus, but this year I'm just totally ready. Baseball has been miserable for months. The Olympics were the ULTIMATE tease (except for the US Women's gymnastics team; time slowed down during that portion of the Olympics. SO GRACEFUL). It was a billion degrees every day for a 4 month stretch. But something happened last night. I went up on a rooftop, and I felt that first hint of fall: chilled air, a cool breeze... pleasant reminders that soon enough, the only acceptable colors to wear on Saturdays will be Cardinal and White. A week from this Saturday, the Badgers embark on their journey to win a ridiculous third straight Big Ten Championship. And that, my friends, is something worth jumping out of bed with a smile on your face.

Before looking forward, I'd like to take a moment to reflect on what happened in the world since the last time we spoke.


None really topped Macho Man devastatingly and prematurely leaving this cruel world last year, but some noteworthy losses:
  • Mr. Pitt. I have no idea what his real name is, but Mr. Pitt was an ICON of the Seinfeld universe. I can only hope that heaven is filled with perfectly fitting socks and zero accidental Hitler mustaches.
  • Whitney Houston. No jokes, just like to point out that this still shoots me into an uncontrollable fit of goosebumps every damn time.
  • Don Cornelius, AKA The Conductor of the Soul Train. I think after he passed away, BET did an all-night marathon of old Soul Train episodes. Never in my life have I seen such high unintentional comedy.
  • Ernest Borgnine. Best known for his diligent work in creating the National BASEketball League, loved by all Milwaukeeans, and forever remembered with the Denslow Cup.
  • The guy from Swamp People, who somehow didn't die from a swamp creature, and totally looks like someone who spent a few too many days in the swamp:


Almost exactly one year ago today I wrote the following:

NASA decided to stop being badass and ended the space shuttle program, thus crushing my dream of being the first person to eat a Cheesy Gordita Crunch on the Moon.  For the record, I think the Moon is cool enough to capitalize it.

Since then, all NASA has done is put a fucking BATTLEBOT* on Mars and give it a kickass Twitter account. I don't even know what's more impressive: that we can just send things to Mars like I send a letter in the mail, or that this little robot dude has over a million followers. If you asked me right now, this very moment, if I'd rather go to Mars or have a million followers on Twitter it's not even a freaking question, give me the followers. I've seen Prometheus, I know how that shit plays out, and I want nothing to do with it.

Although, at the same time I can at least amend my dream to be the first person to eat a Cheesy Gordita Crunch on Mars. Even though Mars looks like the worst place on Earth. Every picture just shows a boring ass desert of nothing. I need Curiosity to WOW me already.

PS - I think Curiosity is just the most ADORABLE name for a multi-trillion dollar robot explorer on the verge of discovering aliens. If I could somehow get the narrator from this video to do play-by-play of everything Curiosity does, I'd would litrally just die on the spot out of pure happiness.

*If you can sift through the filth that is the world of YouTube comments, there's always a little nugget in there worth a read:

That is so true and probably why I never built a Battlebot. Also, I wish there was a LEGO Battlebot. Anyone who's ever stepped on a LEGO barefoot is well-aware of their naturally destructive properties.


Yup, not at all surprised to see that LEGO Battlebots are a thing. I'm gonna assume stepping on this guy would kill a human.