Thursday, December 27, 2012

Rose Bowl vs. #6 Stanford


Feels good to have an actual football game to talk about, doesn't it? After weeks of emotional roller coasters, baseless speculation, and unease over the future of the UW football program, things have settled down. We have a head coach. He's building an impressive staff while retaining some key guys. And now, we're less than a week from Barry Alvarez leading the team out one last time to take on Stanford in Pasadena.

I don't care that we've lost 5 games and people are hating on us. I really don't. It's not our fault that OSU cheated and then was too stupid to give themselves a bowl ban in a down year. It's definitely not our fault that Penn State did all the terrible, terrible things that they did for years. We can't control that. All we can do is play the games on the schedule, and that's exactly what we're going to do.

So how important is it to win this game? I know it's the Rose Bowl and for some, that's inherently a big deal. But given the whirlwind of crap that has engulfed the program over the last month, couldn't we all use a nice, high-note ending to a tumultuous year? Don't we want Barry to re-retire with a FOUR and OH YEAH record in Rose Bowls? Shouldn't we enter 2013 with some serious momentum as we return an abundance of talent and break in a new coach? I SAY YES YES YES.

CHICAGO BADGERS: Mention the Badger Preview at the door at Will's and receive an extra raffle ticket! Actually, I'm just kidding, that's not real, they're not gonna do that. But you can imagine what it'd be like if they did, right? Let's be honest, we're only going to Will's until I win the damn raffle. Once I win (and you know I'm gonna win the worst item possible, like Bucky toe shoes or something horrifying), you're free to go to other bars. But until that day, we will go to Will's. I will try to take over the jukebox. And we will have a good time. This paragraph is chock full of guarantees.

LET'S go!



Thursday, December 20, 2012

Pre-Rose Bowl Mailbag!

This could be the last thing you read before the world ends. Let that settle in. I'm gonna go get drunk, because I plan on riding off into the sunset completely hammered. Thanks for your questions. Rose Bowl Preview next week. On with the show...

Matt G:

What are you most afraid to encounter?.................... Earthquake, Tsunami, Tornado, Hurricane, Volcano, Mudslide, Flood

Reverse order:

7) Floods

Maybe this makes me an idiot, but I don't understand floods. Shouldn't all that water KEEP FLOWING somewhere? Humor me and pretend the earth is flat for a second, because the amount of land affected by a flood is small enough in the grand scheme of things that the slight curvature of it is immaterial. I SOUND LIKE A SCIENTIST. Anyway, I don't care how much water is pouring in, but how the hell does it accumulate that quickly in one condensed area? Even with all the buildings and trees and cars and other obstacles, why doesn't it keep on rushing out of there? Is there a minimum amount of water flowing in at a minimum amount of speed to make flooding a thing? Anyway, I would just hop in a kayak and get my aerobic exercise in for the day. No biggie. Applicable Movie: Titanic. A flood on a boat sounds super spooky.

6) Earthquakes

Aren't earthquakes really only unpredictable if you live on a fault line? I think that should be on any property listing: School district, square footage, proximity to fault lines. Applicable Movie: Knocked Up. Where I learned that earthquakes kill more bongs per capita than people.

5) Volcanoes

If you live in the shadow of a giant volcano, I'll assume that you have your volcano escape plan memorized and ready to execute should the mountain start steaming. But still, nothing is stopping the volcano from doing a MIDNIGHT SNEAK ATTACK a la Pompeii. I keep thinking they should've realized that shit was getting wrecked... but how would they have known? Volcanoes are kinda silent killers in their own right. Do you hear volcanoes erupting? I have no idea because I've never been within dying-by-lava distance of a volcano. At the same time, I would LOVE to make some s'mores over a nice lava pit. Applicable Movie: Dante's Peak. Why didn't the town listen to Pierce Brosnan? Grandma wouldn't have had to trudge through an acid lake (is that a real thing that happens?) if everyone just heeded Pierce's wise advice. Dude was in tune with volcanoes like Emilio Estevez knew that the ice could hold a limo in Mighty Ducks. You don't question this kind of genius.

4) Hurricanes

The only reason hurricanes aren't more terrifying is because they're probably the most predictable out of all of these disasters. Days before a hurricane makes landfall, we get weathermen everywhere showing us the badass hurricane symbol's path towards land. Obviously, once hurricanes get there they fuck shit up. No one denies this. But compared to the other destruction machines, we can at least say, 'Hey, hurricane a comin', prepare yourself cuz it's about to get weird.' I really hope Lake Michigan cannot spawn hurricanes. Applicable Movie: The Perfect Storm. Only thing worse than one hurricane is three hurricanes having an orgy on your fishing boat. Every time I watch that movie (not my fault it's on TNT every other week) I trick myself into thinking they're gonna make it. Yeah, no problem, George Clooney saved lives in an emergency room, he killed vampires, he stole Kuwaiti gold, he can captain a small fishing vessel through a triple hurricane. HE GOT THIS.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Big Ten Championship - #12 Nebraska

This really feels like a championship season, doesn't it? LET'S RECAP:
  • Brought DOB in to run the offense, he sucked, was replaced by a freshman who started looking good until he broke his shoulder, and now we have a 5th year senior with THREE ACL surgeries behind him taking snaps.
  • Lost to Oregon State, who held Montee to 61 yards
  • Fired our offensive line coach after that game
  • Beat Utah State only because we had an 82 yard punt return for a touchdown and their kicker missed a 37 yard field goal at the end of the game. UTAH STATE
  • Lost by 3 to Nebraska in a game where we brought a QB in cold off the bench to run the 2 minute drill. Perfectly logical.
  • Lost in OT to MSU after giving up a late TD to tie it.
  • Lost in OT to OSU in a game we dominated statistically.
  • Lost in OT to Penn State
5 losses by a combined 19 points. And hang on, let's talk about that Penn State game for a hot minute. If you were paying close attention, you may have noticed the number '42' on PSU helmets and this guy on the sideline:

That's Penn State linebacker Michael Mauti. He recently injured his knee badly enough that he could not play against Wisconsin - Senior Day. I'll preface this by saying that it is quite sad for a kid to get hurt before his last collegiate game. I truly think it is. BUT GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK ESPN.

You're supposed to give an independent broadcast lacking any bias or favor, yet your entire production was centered around Mauti and how brave and strong everything Penn State is. He hurt his knee. It sucks. But last I checked, HE DIDN'T DIE. This isn't a fucking Disney movie. Gerry Bertier getting smoked by a drunk driver in Remember the Titans is a MILLION times sadder and that's a goddamn MOVIE.

Do you know why teams put initials and numbers on their jerseys/gloves/bats/helmets? To honor people that have passed away. Former owners. Legendary players. Humanitarians. NOT for guys with busted knees. I wonder what's going through Curt Phillips' head seeing people fawning over Mauti and his busted knee when Phillips himself has had THREE freaking ACL surgeries.

I doubt I'd be this worked up over it if ESPN didn't cut to him jumping up and down on the sidelines (I'll spare you the 'he doesn't look very hurt...' observation... OR WILL I?) in his jeans after EVERY FUCKING PLAY. Combine that with the shots of brave Penn State fans standing up to adversity (VOM.COM/KILLME.jpg) and our sad, predictable demise, and you get one of the worst 3 hour broadcasts in ESPN history.

PS - Not going for two for the second consecutive week to prevent an overtime where you just KNEW we were gonna lose is beyond frustrating. Our ticket to Indy has been punched for weeks, GO FOR THE KILL BIELEMA.

PPS - The sooner this abomination of a football season is over, the better off we'll all be.

CHICAGO BADGERS: WILLSonWILLSonWILLS if you're not going to Indy. I'm not doing Indy. I don't wanna talk about it.

SHAMELESS PLUG: Last chance to donate to my Movember cause. Think of the countless hours I put into these just for YOUR enjoyment. To those of you who have donated, I thank you. I like you more than everyone else.

PS - Can't wait for 12/1, mustaches are terrible, and mine is such a pathetic attempt at one that I've brought shame and dishonor to my family's name.




How long would it take to get used to having just one eye? I covered my left eye just now and I'm pretty sure I'd walk into a bus or fall down a flight of stairs in about 30 seconds if I lost an eye. Things I never want getting fucked up:
  1. Eyes
  2. Crotchal region
  3. Spleen
  4. Orbital bone
  5. Back
I've never heard anything positive about spleens. If you're talking about your spleen, there's a good chance that you're in a whole world of hurt and I don't wanna play that game anytime soon. Or ever. And orbital bones. Fracturing my orbital bone makes me want to wear a helmet everywhere I go. There's no way that's a fun injury.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

@ Penn State

This is where I tell you that this is gonna be an abridged version due to Thanksgiving and all the other chaos associated with this week, but I'll probably still get carried away. Oh well.



Thursday, November 15, 2012

Ohio State

  • Indiana, despite being a game away from making the B1G Championship, is still Indiana
  • Wisconsin, despite struggling to find a consistent offensive rhythm this year, is still Wisconsin
  • Curt Phillips is still a mystery, but at least he didn't tear another ACL
  • You shouldn't keep important players in when the game is decided and your schedule is tough the rest of season. NEED HEALTHY BORLAND

That's pretty much it. Don't get me wrong, I love beating teams a million to seven, but the games tend to get a little boring. And we still have no idea what we have in Phillips. This woulda been a great opportunity to let him throw 15-20 passes to see where his arm strength is at and how he's going through his progressions... but according to Bielema, the score didn't really dictate doing anything other than running.

So that's where we're at. Our ticket is punched for Indy, but before we get there we have some business to tend to. Namely, Urban Meyer and big bad OSU come to Camp Randall for a game that simultaneously means nothing and everything. Well maybe 'everything' is a slight exaggeration. Regardless, the road to Indy will almost certainly go through Columbus in the near future, and it'd be really nice for Bielema to start off 1-0 against Urban. DO IT.

CHICAGO BADGERS: If you're not going to Madison this weekend then I don't even want to talk to you.

SHAMELESS PLUG: Hey! It's my Movember page! We should all totally donate some money to a good cause and maybe Brandon will include a pic of his devious mustache attempt in next week's Preview!




Thursday, November 8, 2012

@ Indiana

Why do I keep hearing that Indiana controls their own destiny to make the Rose Bowl? Don't we control their destiny? Last time I checked, losing to Indiana in football is-

Hold on. Scratch all of that. News just broke that Curt Phillips will be starting at quarterback for Wisconsin this weekend. Here's your up-to-the-minute primer on Curt Phillips:
  • Recruited as a mobile, running QB
  • Has had THREE ACL surgeries
  • As a result, is not as mobile or as good of a runner as he used to be
  • Is not Danny O'Brien
That is literally everything you've ever need to know about him. I find it very difficult to believe that he'll be moving well enough to make up for average at best arm strength and a complete lack of game experience. But then again... he's not DOB. And DOB has looked miserable in just about every game he's played in this year. I'm well aware that the offensive line hasn't done him any favors, but when they break down for Stave, he takes a 2 yard sack. When they break down for DOB, he loses 30 yards. You can't have plays like that and expect to win, let alone keep your job.

And with that, enter: Curt Phillips. I should point out that I sincerely admire that he's battled back from 3 ACL injuries. That's incredibly impressive, and at the very least any questions about his work ethic or desire to play should be answered. But I have a hard time envisioning this team doing anything on the offensive side of the ball if we can't push around the other team's front 7. Can we do that against IU? Jesus Christ I hope so. But with OSU and PSU looming (and a potential B1G Championship Game), a 1-3 finish to the season sounds about right. Depression level: MAXIMUM.

CHICAGO BADGERS: 11 am game. Come up with your list of excuses now, send them to me, and I'll promptly respond with reasons you're wrong. Get up, drink and enjoy the day. If you haven't noticed, the gamedays are disappearing RAPIDLY. We've hit basketball season, and that means time is running out on football. SAVOR THE FLAVOR

SHAMELESS PLUG: Once again, I'm gonna ask to please consider tossing a few bucks to my Movember efforts. I'd love to have a little more there before I try shaking down my company. You can make this a tax write-off, whatever an actual write-off even is. Any amount helps. Thanks.

Onward... to a football game involving Indiana with huge implications for both teams. Never thought that would be possible in our lifetimes. Seriously. Before this season I woulda put a lot of money on the US electing a lesbian president before Indiana sniffing the B1G Championship Game. I am a terrible gambler.



Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Bye Week Mailbag Part 2!

Before getting into Part 2, a quick word: I've decided to participate in Movember, which means I will be growing a ridiculous attempt at a mustache to raise money for a very, very good cause. It is also my birthday this month. I'd like to COMBINE those two, so I'm asking anyone who's willing to donate to my Movember fund. This gets you completely off the hook for getting me a birthday present, which is a good thing for you since the only thing on my bday list is this. Give however much you want, do it anonymously if that helps (BUT NO FAUX ANONYMITY), but I'd really appreciate it if you could help me out. I promise to share pics of whatever monstrosity grows out of this experience. Here is a link to my page, where you can see my mom has already jumped on the 'donate instead of getting him a birthday present' bandwagon.

Many thanks in advance. And now back to your questions.

Matt G:

Thinking of Homeland..........If you had to join one branch branch of military/government service what would it be and why? I think Director of CIA would be awesome.

Well yeah, in theory being the Director of the CIA would be pretty badass. But you also have to make some decisions that will result in people dying - whether they're your people or dirty terrorists. That's a lot of pressure.

And hang on. This only works if you have to pick a branch and then work your way up. You can't say army and proclaim yourself Secretary of Defense. If you could pick whatever title you wanted, it wouldn't really matter which branch you were in since you'd be so high up and far removed from the rigors of military service. So no, you can't just be CIA Director. Now that we're clear, let's go branch by (Michelle) branch:


I'm gonna pass on the Army. The entry level position for the Army essentially entails being a pawn in a giant chess match of war. That means you're either gonna die, or battle forever and try and make it to the end so you get a bump, like when you get to bring your queen back from the dead in real chess. I don't like those odds, and I don't wanna get shot in the ass in Afghanistan even IF that would give me a lifetime supply of Lieutenant Dan impressions.


Yeah, right. Nothing against the Navy since the only person I really know who went into the armed services went the seaman route, but I suck at water. I don't think I'm claustrophobic, but the idea of being in a sub a thousand miles under the sea doesn't tickle my fancy. PASS


Do they count as like a sub section of the Army? Let's just say that if I'm too soft for the Army, joining the Marines is borderline insane.


FUCK YEAH TOP GUN I COULD BE LIKE TOM CRUISE. And then reality hits like the force of ejecting your skull into your cockpit windshield and you quickly realize that maybe you don't wanna have a job where one of the occupational hazards is being sucked into a jet engine.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Bye Week Mailbag Part 1!

Sid K:

What are our chances with Danny O'Brien at QB?

Well they're certainly not good. Look, I don't wanna write DOB off just yet - there's no fun in that, and I simply do not believe he is this bad. So I'm going to give him ONE more game before I make up my mind. I think with 2 weeks to prepare for Indiana, Canada can come up with a gameplan that's tailored to DOB's strengths and weaknesses. It was pretty damn obvious that they weren't really sure what to do with him when he came in for Stave last week. And it certainly didn't help that the offensive line looked miserable - DOB had people in his face a half second after every snap. But I'll promise you this: If he can't hold on to the ball or avoid terrible sacks, we're going to see Curt Phillips at some point before the year is over. And once that happens, you can officially transition into hoops mode.

Wait, that doesn't really answer your question. Ceiling? Losing in the B1G Championship Game. Floor? Have we locked up bowl eligibility yet? Can't believe I just had to type that question.

Ajit I:

Should I participate in No-Shave November?


Here's my rule of thumb (QUESTIONABLY SEXIST) for Movember: If you CAN grow a mustache, you are morally and legally OBLIGATED to grow a mustache. It's that simple. For 85% of the guys and 99% of the women in the world, mustaches look ridiculous. We left them in the 70's for multiple reasons. But in Movember you don't look like a fool... you look like a handsome bro raising money for a good cause. Anyone who gives you shit about how you look is most definitely PRO-CANCER. I would absolutely be participating if I could actually grow a mustache. All I get is this barely noticeable smattering of white/blond/copper/red/brown hair that looks more like something you could wipe off with a towel than actual 'stache. Although, I've never let it grow out for more than a week or so... maybe it's time to find out what kinda 'stache man I am. ON THE FENCE.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Michigan State


That's right. This weekend we're really digging deep into the hate bucket because I can't STAND Michigan State. Filthy school, ugly colors, terrible people, stupid city, worst state ever, Izzo... the list goes on and on. There's absolutely nothing redeeming about Michigan State University. And last year they jumped from a 7 to a 14 on the We Need To Burn This School To The Ground Scale with that Hail M*ry BS I had to witness in person. I've seen Sweet 16 losses in person. I've seen Rose Bowl losses in person. I've seen Cubs playoff game losses in person. None of those even compared to that game in East Lansing a year ago.

The worst part? Beating them in the B1G Championship somehow didn't even come close to healing those wounds. Sure, I had fun celebrating that night, and getting another trip to Pasadena in January is always nice. But that was our fucking shot. We win that game, and there's simply no way we come out like we did against OSU (CHEATING WASTELAND) the following week. What if we're undefeated heading into Indy? Holy shit, I get a little lightheaded just thinking about it. Why am I even doing this to myself?

I'm not sure Bielema can play the 'revenge' card considering we beat them to win the B1G, but you gotta think the guys who traveled to East Lansing a year ago are still bitter - especially the defense. I hope so. I hope they come out pissed off and beat the crap out of the Spartans.

Two words. One tag.


[Felt really good to get that all out.]

CHICAGO BADGERS: What's the deal, are we supposed to wear our Halloween costumes to Will's? Usually when Halloween weekend rolls around, I'm all about putting my costume on Friday night and not taking it off until Sunday. But that's a lot easier when you're a filthy lemur like I was a few years ago. This year, my costume requires far too much effort to rock for 48 straight hours. So F it. I'm wearing Badger gear Saturday to Will's. And I SWEAR I'm gonna win the raffle this time. I really feel it in my bones. DOG LEASH. RAFFLE WINNER. LOCK. IT. UP.



Thursday, October 18, 2012


Damn you, Bielema. Just when I was ready to write this team off and start looking forward to hoops season, you have to go and turn me into a BELIEVER again. What did you do to make Monteé Ball look like Montee Ball? How did you get the offensive line to turn into 5 Joe Thomas clones? Why is Jared Abbrederis the best receiver in UW history? When is Joel Stave getting his Big Ten Freshman of the Year award? Where is this up and down season taking us?

I can answer that last one! ONE WAY TRAIN TO INDY. Not a single shred of doubt in my mind. The two teams ahead of Wisconsin in Our Division With The Shittier Name are ineligible for Indy, and the three teams after Wisconsin are a combined 0-8 in B1G play. What does that creeper say in Hunger Games? May the odds be ever in your favor? Could the odds possibly be any MORE ever in our favor right now? Did I REALLY just make a Hunger Games reference? Ugh.

PS - OK, so yeah, I'm thinking ahead a little: After we beat Michigan in the B1G Championship Game, am I supposed to go to Pasadena for the third straight year? Totally and completely split on this:

  • Making New Years plans is arguably the least fun thing in the world, and it will be -15 degrees in Chicago.
  • The Rose Bowl is actually one of the most amazing venues I've ever been to.
  • Despite two painful defeats, I still had a lot of fun in LA the last two Januaries.
  • USC, Stanford... they don't really scare me.
  • In-N-Out.
  • I think I'm cursed and we're almost for sure gonna lose when I go.
  • If it's Oregon, I'm staying the fuck away. Not going down that road again.
  • There have to be better ways to spend all that money, like this, which I really, really wish I had for Halloween.
  • I secretly hate LA.

Tough call. Maybe I should just let the season play out before worrying about this decision. Sounds much smarter.

PPS - Might be worth going for the In-N-Out alone:


CHICAGO BADGERS: You are on your own this week. Good luck.



Thursday, October 11, 2012

@ Purdue

[Check out the BP Blog for ULTIMATE READABILITY]

I'm doing you all a favor this week. Months ago, I was fully set on heading to West Lafayette to go to this game. I've never been to Purdue, and based on the division race, this game could have been pretty damn important. But then we kinda started sucking at football, and I realized that we seem to lose pretty much every single road game I go to. So no road trip for me this weekend. No business trip to the game and right back. I'm staying put in Chicago and not chancing it, because this IS a big game. Any chance of somehow kinda-maybe-sorta 'winning' this division hinges on winning this week against the Boilermakers. I refuse to be the one who fucks that up.

(Am I allowed to claim that I'm not superstitious if I really believe in stuff like this? DISCLAIMERS: I'm all about not moving from my seat/spot if we're doing well. If I turn the game off and we make a run I don't turn it back on. I stopped watching hoops games last year when we started winning and didn't resume watching them until we lost. All of this is perfectly normal, right? I feel like I'm not doing anything out of the ordinary here. The way I look at it, either these things ACTUALLY MATTER and I'm just doing my part, or they don't but WHY RISK IT?)

CHICAGO BADGERS: I just got an email about this awesome bar called Will's. It's supposed to be a pretty legit Badger bar with giant beers and cheese curds forever and a halftime raffle that I'm definitely totally winning this week. I think we should check it out. Might be good times.



Thursday, October 4, 2012


I'm a little offended at how possible it still is for UW to make the B1G Championship game. This team has been nothing short of HORRENDOUS all year, and yet, as we enter October, a trip to Indy really wouldn't be all that surprising. True - that loss to Nebraska really sucked given how perfect of a start we got off to. But they're not in our division. And that's why these next few weeks are so important. Illinois has looked absolutely terrible this year, and with the game being played at Camp Randall, you can officially dub this one a MUST WIN SITUATION*. I'll promise you right now that if we lose this week, there's no way this team finishes over .500. It's just not possible. Wait, have I mentioned how bad Illinois is? They gave up 52 points... at home... to Louisiana Tech! Things didn't get any better last week when Penn State rolled into Champaign and completely handled the Illini. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if a B1G team comes into Madison as a two touchdown underdog given how abysmal the season has gone so far for Wisconsin, then you know they're really fucking bad.

*Calling a game a 'must-win' is among the dumber things in life that I fully endorse. I can't even begin to tell you how many must-win games my teams have lost and still recovered from.

CHICAGO BADGERS: Good luck this weekend.



Thursday, September 27, 2012

@ #22 Nebraska


MONTEE BALL BLOCKED ME ON TWITTER! I am fucking DEVASTATED. If you can't tell from the amount of caps lock I'm throwing in you grill right off the bat, this is a big deal. Might be time for another BADGER PREVIEW INVESTIGATION:


Sunday night I was watching that traveshamockery of a football game when I saw someone retweet Monteé. Odd, I thought, since I didn't see his original tweet in my feed. So I clicked on his profile, hit the 'follow' button, and was slapped with the cold, hard reality up above. Monteé Ball - one of my favorite Badgers - personally blocked me on Twitter.


As cool as I am, Monteé never followed me on Twitter. So what led him to block me?

Maybe I tweeted something negative about him. To test out that possibility, I used the ever-handy All My Tweets to check out my last 3,000ish tweets (insert your own joke about how that should cover the last 2 weeks). Here are all the mentions I've made of @M_Ball28:

  • WTF? @M_Ball28 blocked me on Twitter?! I've never been so devastated in my entire life. Sep 25, 2012
  • @jaypo1961 @M_Ball28 People get PAID for jobs… Sep 12, 2012
  • @carlyks Told my diehard Badger friend they @DangeRussWilson and @M_Ball28 are my top 2 favorite Badgers ever. I stand by that. #purewisco Aug 12, 2012
  • TMZ not painting an accurate picture? NO WAY RT @M_Ball28: The report that I was involved in a fight is totally false. Aug 02, 2012
  • RT @M_Ball28: I appreciate the support and thank you for the concerns.I will be okay! See you guys in September! #WiscONsin Aug 01, 2012
  • Love it. #MonteeBallShow #MBS RT @M_Ball28: #onwisconsin Jul 20, 2012
  • #OnWisconsin RT @M_Ball28: wisconsin boys destroyed that workout this morning.. eyes on the prize, last year was last year. 2012 #letsgetit Jun 28, 2012
  • Can't even explain how awesome it is to have @M_Ball28 and @jwhiteout20 in the backfield at the same time. #canadianpower Apr 11, 2012

So there ya go. Calling him one of my favorite Badgers, defending him when he was getting slammed for the fight, and heaping praise. I think we can safely rule out any form of Twitter bashing as the cause of him blocking me. That really leaves only one other possibility:


Or one of his friends did and let him know about it. Yeah, I poked fun at him adding the accent to his name and aired my frustration over our lack of success running the ball. But I can guarantee he's heard a thousand worse things said about him after games. So I'm not sure if I should feel awesome because Monteé Ball may have read my Preview... or crushed because he hates me as a result of it.

Regardless, I'll continue to root for Monteé because I still think he's an awesome Badger. I just wish we could sit down over a couple Gatorades and clear the air. Womp womp.

PS - Is it bad that I actually was a legit little sad over this? Stung my Badger pride.

CHICAGO BADGERS: Will's is still the best place to watch a Badger game as far as I'm concerned, so might as well go for a 5th week in a row.

SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION: I lied last week. I will actually be doing a HuffPo Live college football roundtable discussion thingy TONIGHT at 8:40 pm CST. Head over to HuffPo Live as I do everything in my power not to act a fool.

SHAMELESS PLUG #2: The better half of Statesider 302A will be taking control of ESPN980 this Saturday from 11 am - 3 pm CST. Give it a listen at He knows more about sports and less about cheese than you could ever imagine. You just might learn something.




Thursday, September 20, 2012


We have officially reached THREAT LEVEL PURPLE MIDNIGHT:

There's not much else to say. Shockingly, firing our offensive line coach after 2 weeks did not fix the offensive line. Double shockingly, benching our quarterback at halftime did not immediately cause the offense to revert back to elite mode. We just need to come to terms with the terrifying conclusion that this team is not very good. BUT THAT'S OK! They're young, and there is some talent there. It's just not ready for primetime yet. Between DOB and Stave, one of them should be able to develop into a decent QB by the end of the season or the beginning of next season. Ball's looked unimpressive so far, but White and Gordon are full of promise and potential. I guess what I'm trying to say is re-calibrate your expectations, have fun on gameday, and enjoy the ride. As bad as this team might be, the days are dark once the offseason rolls around.

PS - I tried warning people that if you see me with a marker on gameday, you'd be wise to run the other way. Consider yourselves MOTION DUBBED:

You know the weird part is that this all seemed like SUCH a good idea at the time. Also, I learned that unlike beer pong and flip cup, you do NOT get better at drawing pictures when you're hammered.

CHICAGO BADGERS: Damnit. The stars have been aligned all season. But things are changing. Winter is coming. THE 11 AM GAME HAS RETURNED. It's every man, woman and child for themselves when it comes to 11 am games. Except you really shouldn't get kids involved the type of activities we enjoy. Terrible idea.

SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION: For some reason, I will be playing EXPERT in a College Football round-table discussion-type thing on Huff Post Live next Wednesday around 7:50 pm CENTRAL. I have no idea how this is gonna play out, or how foolish I'll look and sound, but check it out if you wanna see me vidchatting from my kitchen about how miserable Wisconsin and the Big Ten are. Feel free to leave comments in there about how handsome and articulate I am. It's the internet - everything you say is TRUE.



Thursday, September 13, 2012

Utah State

THAT IS HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW. Literally impossible to sugarcoat this: what a terrible fucking loss.  It does absolutely nothing towards preventing us from winning a B1G title, but it was AWFUL to watch that game. I don't even understand how the offensive line is this pathetic. Four of the guys starting for us played significant minutes last season when we ran the ball like we were playing against little league teams. Yeah, I called them little league teams because I didn't play Pop Warner football and I don't know if I'm spelling it right or what the fuck it even is. UGH.

I made myself a promise yesterday (9/11) that I was gonna stop crying about the little things. Between watching Jerry 'The King' Lawler have a heart attack LIVE on RAW and all the 9/11 coverage that I could not stop watching, it was an emotional day. So whatever. We lost. The season's far from over, Bielema made a swift change to try and right the ship, and my 11-1 prediction is still TOTALLY POSSIBLE IF NOT A LOCK-IT-UP GUARANTEE. The Badgers, like life, will find a way.*

*I think I've now referenced Jurassic Park in every preview this season. We're on our way towards a DiMaggio-esque streak here. HOLD ON TO YOUR BUTTS.

PS - The closest thing to the 'hold on to your butts' clip on YouTube is this terrifying thing that someone with at least half of a brain and two arms actually made and thought was a good idea. You know those stats like 'Every hour, 3.4 trillion days of video is uploaded to YouTube'? That's because 3.3 trillion of those days are crap like this.

PPS - If any of your friends from rival schools give you shit about UW losing last week, just slap this in their grill and they'll shut up real quick:

CHICAGO BADGERS: You're on your own. I'll just let you know that FatPour - a new Badger bar in Wicker Park - opens this Friday. But you can't go without me because that would be totally unfair, since I wanna go and go to Big Star after and live forever and look at those fucking hipsters.



Thursday, September 6, 2012

@ Oregon State

1-0. Those are the ONLY numbers that matter. Don't be fooled into thinking that 26-21 is of any importance. Would you like to win more comfortably? Sure, it's easier on the ol' blood pressure. But as long as you leave every Saturday 1-0, you're accomplishing your goals. So yeah, I could sit here and overreact to the fact that Monteé Ball looked pedestrian, our offensive line was outplayed by Northern Iowa's D-Line, and the defense was back to its old ways of giving up big plays with blown coverages at inopportune times. Or I could enjoy the fact that Badger Football is back in our lives and we are currently undefeated. Yup, I think that's a much better plan. OPTIMISM.

With that said, we got a big one this week. It's been a rarity for Wisconsin to travel away from the warmth and comfort of Camp Randall in the non-conference portion of the schedule, but that's exactly what we're doing this week as we head west to take on the Oregon State Beavers*. One thing worth remembering: Oregon State's first game was canceled due to the menacing Jewish Hurricane Isaac, which on its surface sounds stupid because Oregon State is way the fuck over there and Isaac was all the way down South. But their first opponent was some shit school from the South, and apparently Isaac was using all the plagues to prevent them from traveling to Corvallis. The only thing worse than a poor performance in week 1 is not even HAVING a week 1. Advantage: BUCKY.

*I thought beavers were an incredibly stupid animal to make your mascot, but then I started watching AMC's Into the West miniseries. I absolutely LOVE historical miniseries, so when we saw they were re-airing it the DVR was immediately fired up. My top takeaway from episode 1? Beaver pelts were like GOLD before people started finding actual gold. Early on, one of our fair-skinned white boy settler friends bartered a pot and 30 beaver pelts for a Native American girl. Beaver pelts and a pot for a HUMAN BEING (although at the time I suppose they were considered savages, and assuming this show is relatively close to the truth, I'd have to agree). Clearly he makes her his wife, and they actually seem really happy and pregnant... until some Apache jackasses stormed their hovel and stole the baby like they were the Others from LOST. Moral of the story: Get a receipt when you trade beaver pelts for humans. Also, Indians were fucking crazy.

PS - Nice beaver

CHICAGO BADGERS: Could Will's have been any more fun last week? I really don't think so. The only chance of topping it comes this Saturday when Will's is doing their annual Muskyfest. I think this will be my 3rd Muskyfest and I still have very little idea what it actually is, but here are the facts that I've gathered:
  • There will be live music on the street next to Will's and TV's out there. MINI MIFFLIN STREET DRINKING
  • Some girl will be crowned Musky Queen 2k12 at the end of the night based on the votes of drunk idiots like us
  • Buy a drink, get a vote
  • People will be drinking very heavily as a result of that last fact
I can't think of a single reason to go anywhere else this weekend. Round 2, get it.

LAST CALL FOR REFERRALS: I promise this is the last time I'll bug you about this. Thank you to those of you who have sent me fresh blood; hopefully they don't hate you for having to deal with me from now on.

LET'S go!



I don't know who to yell at, but somebody should be yelled at for putting us on FX. That's a D-list sports network.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Northern Iowa

I have officially taken off work on Friday. Why? You see, the way I'm looking at it, if I had to go to work on Friday, time would LITRALLY STAND STILL. It would be a slow, miserable day filled with anticipation (and most likely a hangover). Instead, I get to sleep in, get some Hot Doug's*, and probably just start pre-gaming for Saturday a full day in advance. Plus, if one holiday (Labor Day) results in a three day weekend, shouldn't a double holiday (Labor Day AND UW Season Opener) yield a FOUR day weekend? This logic is ironclad and I don't think I could be more excited to not have to work the day before Badger football powers its way back into our lives. My boss put up zero debate because he knew that if I came in on Friday, I would be listening to the same 5 or 6 songs on repeat all day while incessantly checking the clock.

*Speaking of Hot Doug's, I have obviously been scoping out the menu in advance of my feast. I turn to you to help me decide. TOP CONTENDERS:
  • Taco Pork Sausage with Green Chili Mustard, Elote Relish and Queso Asadero. I do LOVE me some elotes. No idea what queso asadero is, but queso anythingadero is perfectly fine in my book.
  • Cayenne and Cheddar Pork Sausage with Chipotle Dijonnaise and Habanero-Jack Cheese. It may surprise you to know that I'm a huge fan of food spicy enough to make you sweat while eating. Whenever something has the word 'habanero' in it, my eyes lock on.
  • Ribeye Steak Sausage with Horseradish Cream Sauce, Caramelized Onions and Carrigaline Smoked Farmhouse Cheese. Steak sausage? OOOO.
  • Wild Rice and Asiago Cheese Bison Sausage with Bacon-Garlic Mayonnaise and Mustard Seed Gouda Cheese. Not a big mayo guy. HUGE bacon-garlic anything guy. CONUNDRUM.

Send your votes in ASAP, or I'm gonna end up getting a hot dog and gently weeping the rest of the night.

PS - You will NEVER guess what next week's food porn picture will be of.

: Get your crew of flunkies and join us at Will's, the most Wisconsin of all the Wisconsin bars in Chicago. Gonna recommend getting there early if you want a table/spot outside with a decent view. Hope to see you there.

STILL LOOKING FOR REFERRALS: Spread the word; send me email addresses - all that stuff.

2 freakin' days. LET'S go!



Thursday, August 23, 2012

2012 Season Preview

I'm not sure I've ever been this ready for football season to show up. Sure, I was beyond normal levels of excitement last year after the arrival of Black Jesus, but this year I'm just totally ready. Baseball has been miserable for months. The Olympics were the ULTIMATE tease (except for the US Women's gymnastics team; time slowed down during that portion of the Olympics. SO GRACEFUL). It was a billion degrees every day for a 4 month stretch. But something happened last night. I went up on a rooftop, and I felt that first hint of fall: chilled air, a cool breeze... pleasant reminders that soon enough, the only acceptable colors to wear on Saturdays will be Cardinal and White. A week from this Saturday, the Badgers embark on their journey to win a ridiculous third straight Big Ten Championship. And that, my friends, is something worth jumping out of bed with a smile on your face.

Before looking forward, I'd like to take a moment to reflect on what happened in the world since the last time we spoke.


None really topped Macho Man devastatingly and prematurely leaving this cruel world last year, but some noteworthy losses:
  • Mr. Pitt. I have no idea what his real name is, but Mr. Pitt was an ICON of the Seinfeld universe. I can only hope that heaven is filled with perfectly fitting socks and zero accidental Hitler mustaches.
  • Whitney Houston. No jokes, just like to point out that this still shoots me into an uncontrollable fit of goosebumps every damn time.
  • Don Cornelius, AKA The Conductor of the Soul Train. I think after he passed away, BET did an all-night marathon of old Soul Train episodes. Never in my life have I seen such high unintentional comedy.
  • Ernest Borgnine. Best known for his diligent work in creating the National BASEketball League, loved by all Milwaukeeans, and forever remembered with the Denslow Cup.
  • The guy from Swamp People, who somehow didn't die from a swamp creature, and totally looks like someone who spent a few too many days in the swamp:


Almost exactly one year ago today I wrote the following:

NASA decided to stop being badass and ended the space shuttle program, thus crushing my dream of being the first person to eat a Cheesy Gordita Crunch on the Moon.  For the record, I think the Moon is cool enough to capitalize it.

Since then, all NASA has done is put a fucking BATTLEBOT* on Mars and give it a kickass Twitter account. I don't even know what's more impressive: that we can just send things to Mars like I send a letter in the mail, or that this little robot dude has over a million followers. If you asked me right now, this very moment, if I'd rather go to Mars or have a million followers on Twitter it's not even a freaking question, give me the followers. I've seen Prometheus, I know how that shit plays out, and I want nothing to do with it.

Although, at the same time I can at least amend my dream to be the first person to eat a Cheesy Gordita Crunch on Mars. Even though Mars looks like the worst place on Earth. Every picture just shows a boring ass desert of nothing. I need Curiosity to WOW me already.

PS - I think Curiosity is just the most ADORABLE name for a multi-trillion dollar robot explorer on the verge of discovering aliens. If I could somehow get the narrator from this video to do play-by-play of everything Curiosity does, I'd would litrally just die on the spot out of pure happiness.

*If you can sift through the filth that is the world of YouTube comments, there's always a little nugget in there worth a read:

That is so true and probably why I never built a Battlebot. Also, I wish there was a LEGO Battlebot. Anyone who's ever stepped on a LEGO barefoot is well-aware of their naturally destructive properties.


Yup, not at all surprised to see that LEGO Battlebots are a thing. I'm gonna assume stepping on this guy would kill a human.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Badger Preview: Season Finale Mailbag!

Ron S

Are hunger games and twilight simply different names for the same movie? I'm overwhelmed with deja vu right now.

Up until I saw the Hunger Games movie, I might have agreed with you.  They definitely appeal to the same market, there are lots of scenes in the woods, and I'm pretty sure my roommate listens to them on tape when he works out.  But when I went to see Hunger Games, there was a preview for one of the Twilight movies.  This makes me think that they are NOT, in fact, the same movie.  It'd be pretty bold to have a preview for the movie you're about to watch.  And I don't know if it's because of dueling fanboys/fangirls, but at the end of the Twilight Blue Moon Saga Part IV preview, one guy started laughing, and then the ENTIRE theater started laughing.  I think they revealed that one of the main characters was a vampire or something, and that's probably supposed to be a big thing.  But the Hunger Games crew just lost it.

I will say this: It is SHOCKING that there isn't a bigger backlash over kids loving a book/movie that is about KIDS VIOLENTLY MURDERING EACH OTHER FOR FUN.  Whenever a new Grand Theft Auto game comes out, some conservative nutjob comes flying out admonishing the game for encouraging violence in kids.  People blame atrocities like Columbine on 'overly violent' video games.  And yet, this PG-13 movie is fucking A-OK?  I have a much easier time picturing kids chasing each other with cleavers than going out and trying to steal cars while killing hookers.  I mean, I don't care, because I'm not a moron and even when I was a kid I was fully capable of discerning the difference betwixt fiction and real life.  But there's at least a 20% chance that some kid in America dies in the next month due to a Hunger Games reenactment related accidental death.

PS - Anyone 'mad' about Rue being black in the movie is batshit insane.

Ryan G.

1) Were you surprised at how hard you found yourself cheering for outcomes at Wrestlemania?

Not at all.  I WAS, however, surprised at how hard everyone else was cheering.  Listen, people can bag on wrastling as much as they like - at the end of the day, it is pure entertainment.  If you go in with that mindset, I don't get how you could've been disappointed with Wrestlemania.  You want outrageous?  How about the first match of the night being the WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP and it ending 18 seconds after the opening bell?  This guy is your new champ:

After that happened, we knew we were in for a magical night.  Nothing epitomized that more than the legendary battle between the Undertaker and HHH.  30 minutes of two warriors absolutely DESTROYING each other.  HHH splattered Undertaker's spine with a chair for a solid 5 minutes.  The Undertaker put HHH AND Shawn Michaels in Hell's Gate.  There were more Pedigrees and Tombstones than a person can count.  Our apartment erupted every time one of them kicked out on a 2 count.  I had more fun watching this single match than the entire Super Bowl.  Is that crazy?  I have no idea.  But I can tell you that when the Undertaker hoisted Trips, squared to the camera, and delivered one final Tombstone, it was a TRANSCENDENTAL moment in entertainment history.  So happy the streak remains intact.

PS - Did you know the Undertaker is forty-fucking-seven years old?

PPS - If you thought Cena was gonna beat the Rock, you're crazy.  They bring Rocky out of retirement for a monster showdown on HIS turf in Miami... no freakin' way he's letting camo-cargo-shorts Cena beat him.  You don't give the People's Champ the People's Elbow.  Doesn't work like that.

PPPS - CM Punk is on the very cusp of being a superduperstar.  Fuck Jericho.

2) Would you rather a Badger national title in Football or Basketball? I think football, but it's really close.

I go back and forth on this.  Let's be honest: Either one would cause some sort of full body orgasm that would require me to be scraped off the floor.  But I'm going with hoops.  REASONING:
  • Winning the tourney means a 3 week adventure with increasingly intense hype
  • I'm very, very sick of people hating on Bo for the Final Four thing
  • Who knows what kind of backlash and controversy would surround a potential BCS championship.  Winning the NCAA Tourney?  That's always legit.  Unless you're John Calipari.
  • I think it'd be much easier/more affordable to get Final Four tickets than BCS Championship tickets
  • I think we have a better chance of winning a hoops title in the next 5 years than a football title
Yup.  I firmly believe that something very, very special will happen with Wisconsin basketball in the next 4-5 years.  Too much talent coming in, too due.  Enjoy the ride.

Tim S.

Dimo's Pizza.. How is it?  Is it the exact same?  Does not being able to say "hey Im gonna grub hard at Ian's" and instead having to utter something different make it less enjoyable?  Different specialty topping rotations?

It is exactly the same.  I won't lie and say that I'm comfortable saying 'let's get some Dimo's'.  In fact, I think I still say Ian's half the time.  But the food, people, and most importantly, ranch, are all exactly the same.  My new goal is to be the October 2012 Customer of the Month and convince everyone I know to start calling me The Real Mr. October.  I've put the wheels in motion for this plan, and I'm pretty confident that I can make it work.  If anything, 'Two time Customer of the Month at Ian's Pizza' sounds a whole lot better than 'October 2011 Customer of the Month at Ian's Pizza' on my resume.  Don't kid yourself, either one is a much more impressive achievement than being treasurer of your sorority or being on the Dean's List.

David W.

If I want to go to Madison for a football game this fall, should I go to MSU or OSU. Note that MSU is both homecoming AND Halloween weekend.

Is it me, or are they always scheduling things for the already-intense weekends in Madison?  Didn't they do Alumni Weekend during Mifflin a year or two ago?  Why would they do Homecoming during Halloween weekend AND for a huge game?  I feel like every other year, Homecoming is the same weekend that we play Minnesota/Indiana/Illinois/Purdue.

I can't see myself going to Madison for that MSU game.  As much as I hate them (oh, I HATE them), and as I much as I'd love to see us beat them again (nothing better), the chaos surrounding Homecoming and Halloween is too much for me to handle.  On the flip side, even though OSU is banned from postseason play BECAUSE THEY ARE A BUNCH OF FILTHY CHEATERS, it's still a monstrous division game late in the season.  And it's my birthday weekend.  So you can mark it down right now - I WILL be in Madison for the Ohio State game.  And we WILL win, like the last time they came to Madison and they were all #1 and undefeated and stuff and we beat them anyway and their fans spent the night crying and hoping that their scarlet clothing would be confused for Badger gear and they wouldn't get made fun of for being losers.  I SAW RIGHT THROUGH YOUR PLANS.

If Wisconsin does ever win a national championship in either football or basketball in our lifetime, describe what your ideal night would be, from the moment it becomes official that we won to the time you go to bed, whatever time that may be. Feel free to describe this night as if you're in Chicago, in Madison, at the game, or all 3.

I always shtruggle at these 'describe your ideal night' questions.  Mainly because right now, I'm sober.  And when the day comes that something magical does happen, well, I won't be very sober.  And the thought process/decision making will be largely fueled by booze.  But what I can tell you now is that I WILL be at the game.  Some things in life are simply worth the money no matter what, and a potential NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP in football or hoops for Wisconsin is something that I refuse to miss in person.

Undoubtedly, I'll linger in the stadium for a while, making my way down to the lower level and basking in the glory of winning.  I'm assuming, at minimum, I'll tweet 600 times and take 3,000 pictures.  Once that simmers down, it's straight to the nearest bar, where EVERY single drink will be toasted to 'NATIONAL CHAMPIONSSSSSSSSSS' or 'ON WISCONSIN'.  Litrally every drink.  And there will be a lot of them.  I'm having a hard time imagining myself sleeping at any point that night.  Don't forget the 30 minute window where I retweet every damn tweet about Wisconsin, like every single status and picture on Facebook, and send a few overly-emotional text messages to my idiot friends that couldn't be there in person for one reason or another.  That part is key - I'm all about the celebratory social media firestorm.  To this day I'm shocked that I have a single twitter follower that is not a Wisconsin fan.  I'm downright intolerable on big gamedays.

Probably the closest I've come to this hypothetical celebration was after the B1G Football Championship in Indy.  All of the above happened, just to a much lesser degree.  Never blacked out, went to bed before sunrise, etc.

When we do win the big one, though (and we WILL), it'll be the kind of night that you wish someone could just follow you around with a camera recording everything so you could relive it every day for the next 50 years.


What exactly is in a liquid cocaine shot?

No more arguing and debating.  Time to let science answer the question once and for all: Is there Bacardi 151 in a shot of Liquid Cocaine?


CONCLUSION: Jager, Goldschlager, Bacardi 151

CAVEAT: These are fucked up liquors to spell.  I assume that anyone else googling this is just as retarded as I am.


Bartender from a popular U of I bar: "I generally do jaeger, rumpleminz and 151... But we don't have 151 a lot so I put goldschlager in instead"


eHow: 151, Jager, Rumplemintz

wikiHow: is fucking worthless, no one has ever ordered a 'fruity liquid cocaine' shot, and it doesn't take 11 steps to make it.

Yahoo Answers: 151, Jager, Rumplemintz

OFFICIAL CONCLUSION: Bacardi 151 is definitely in a shot of Liquid Cocaine, assuming that the bar carries 151.  The Rumplemintz/Jager/Goldschlager combo is more affectionately known as Liquid Crack.  PANDEMIC!  I GOT THAT PANDEMIC!

Greg M

Looks like the Badgers have gotten another ACC QB transfer, this time Danny O'Brien from Maryland. Similar to Black Jesus, O'Brien also won the ACC Rookie of the Year as a freshman and will transfer following graduation (O'Brien starred in the Pro-style offense his freshman year, but as the team moved to a spread offense he struggled and was eventually benched)
While no one can expect anyone to fill Wilson's shoes, what are your thoughts on the move and how big of a role will post-graduation transfers play in the future of college football?

Let's establish one thing right off the bat: This is nothing but a GREAT development for the University of Wisconsin Badger football team.  And it was born out of necessity, not desire.  A quick rundown of where the quarterbacks on team stand right now:
  • Curt Phillips - recovering from 3 knee surgeries... and he was supposed to be a running quarterback.
  • Jon Budmayr - battling some unknown, mysterious nerve issue in his throwing elbow.
  • Bart Houston - promising true freshman... needing surgery in his throwing shoulder.  Redshirt candidate.
  • Joel Stave - looked OK in the Spring Game last year... but has never taken a meaningful snap.
  • Joe Brennan - has barely played, and was less than inspiring when he DID play.
Now, if you're Bret Bielema, and that's your group of quarterbacks... would you really not pursue someone like DOB?

Another thing: This isn't a 'rental player'.  This isn't 'gaming the system'.  DOB graduated in 3 years while playing D1 football.  The coaches that recruited him left, and the new coach is a huge asshole.  Why shouldn't be able to go somewhere else to continue his career?  All this does is reward the 'student' part of being a student-athlete, and that's something that gets lost way too easily in big-time college sports.

As far as the post-grad transfer rule's future... that's a good question.  I feel like you're gonna start hearing more and more chirping about it due to the success of Wisconsin in using that rule.  But I still think it's more a result of strange circumstances than a dependable way to build successful programs.  If we don't have all the QB injuries, I doubt Wilson or DOB ever step foot in Madison.  Every coach in the country would prefer to recruit and develop their own players, but sometimes you have to go the unconventional route.  Nothing would make BB and Badger fans everywhere happier than DOB killing it for 2 years before Houston steps in as our starting quarterback.  That's the plan.  Hope it pans out like that.

Matt B

How long will Bo Ryan coach? Can he get into the echelon of top coaches of all time if he stays long enough?

Can he?  Absolutely.  Will he?  Much better question.  Right now, Bo is 64 years old - he's gettin' up there in years.  But doesn't Bo strike you as the guy that will just keep on coaching until he physically can't handle it anymore?  It's not like he's slipping - the team is still finishing top 4 in the B1G, still making the tourney, and recruiting is better than ever.  I think Bo coaches at Wisconsin at LEAST 5 more years, probably 10 more years, and anything after that would just be amazing.

Can you draw all of the boxes for next season? That Montana Grizzly was sick.

I've been thinking of getting that Grizz as a tattoo.  I am VERY tempted to keep drawing the boxes* next year, but it's a lot more fun for random schools like Montana than it is for boring ol' Purdue.  Also, I spend WAY too much time meticulously shading and sketching those out.  My time could probably be better spent... well there's gotta be something else I should be doing with all that time.

*'Drawing some box' just became my new favorite euphemism.

Andrew H-U

Most innovative Taco Bell product: Cheesy Gordita Crunch or Doritos Locos Taco?  CGC was a game changer, but Taco Bell teaming up with Doritos...who can beat that?

It's definitely the CGC.  I have NEVER been to Taco Bell and left without a CGC.  Absolutely impossible.  It's by far the best fast food item in the world, and at $2 it's an absolute steal.

That's not to say that I don't LOVE the Doritos Locos tacos.  They're fucking delicious.  Best of both worlds?  A CGC with a Doritos Locos taco shell in it.  The first time I went to try the Doritos Locos taco, I was admittedly a little drunk.  When I finally got up to the register (the place was swamped), I stumbled through asking if they could put the Dorito taco INSIDE the CGC.  I figured I was asking for some special order.  I couldn't even finish my question before the guy was punching it in the register.  Apparently I wasn't alone in thinking this was a genius idea.

CONCLUSION: They're both amazing, but with their powers combined, they're the motherfucking Captain Planet of fast food.

Danny P

Let's talk about an all-time classic - Armageddon.  One thing that's always bothered me is after they leave the asteroid and leave Bruce Willis behind to detonate the nuke.  As you know, things start getting unstable, he gets tossed around and it takes him longer than expected to hit the button.  Colonel Willie Sharp (also - Willie? that's another thing that's bothered me, but we'll save that) debates turning around to do it himself.  But let's be honest here, there's a zero percent chance that they could actually be in a position to make a difference.  The asteroid is already spinning on all three axes and we already know they couldn't land where they were supposed to the first time.  And they are only seconds away from Zero-Barrier!  I mean, let's be realistic here.

Am I missing something here?

There are about 5 million things that make no sense in Armageddon, and this is the one that sticks out for you?  How about this:

I can almost buy the premise of burying the bomb; if it sits on the surface, half of the energy of the explosion just goes into space, wasted. But 800 feet? That's only 1/5000th of the way in! If the asteroid were the size of a soccer ball, that distance would be about 0.06 millimeters, or 0.002 inches, perhaps as wide as a human hair. And that will split the asteroid in half. Right. But wait... there's a fissure that runs through the asteroid. By putting the bomb in there, it splits the asteroid in half! Luckily, the fissure is lined up perfectly so that the two halves move away from the Earth. Imagine if the plane of the fissure were facing the Earth; the bomb would have launched one rock into the Earth at an extra 1000 miles per hour. Lucky for us the writers remembered to line the fissure up the right way! ;-) One other thing: if time is of the essence, and they have to dig 800 feet down, why did they dig at a 45 degree angle?! That added an extra 320 feet to their drilling. What they should have done was ram one of those X-71's straight on to the asteroid. That would have created a crater much deeper than that! They wouldn't have had to dig so far.

Real talk, 'fissure' is a hilarious word and one that I will never associate with actual science.  So yeah, you're right, there is DEFINITELY no way they could have landed back in the exact same spot before the asteroid hit Zero-Barrier.  We knew the entire time that Colonel Willie Sharp was an idiot and kinda a dick.  Seriously, who brings a fucking handgun into space?

PS - Space Dementia, still the most terrifying affliction one can get.

Jake S

Do you think anyone has ever smoked weed in the white house? and if so who?

Short answer: Abso-fuckin-lutely.  And I guarantee some presidents have blazed in the White House.  Thank god for the internet, because here's what I found:

JFK: Close acquaintances say Kennedy used cannabis regularly to control his back pain (even during his term) and actually planned on legalizing marijuana during his second term.

JFK was definitely the first 'modern' president I thought could have smoked in the White House.  The dude just liked to party, and no one's ever telling the Prez what he can/can't do.  Odds: 95%

Jimmy Carter: Along with his efforts to legalize marijuana, Some say Carter also hosted many marijuana smoke filled events at the White House. This leads most to assume Carter at least tried it at some point in life.

What were these mysterious 'marijuana smoke filled events'?  Shredding Led Zeppelin albums while dominating some foreign policy?  Odds: 85%

GW: Bush publicly refused to answer the marijuana question. He was later caught saying he refused to talk about it “because I don’t want some little kid doing what I tried”.

Odds: 1,000%

Slick Willy Clinton: Clinton famously stated that he smoked but “didn’t inhale”. He has been known to bend the truth every now and then, so he still makes the list.

I mean he basically admitted that he did.  And if you smoke weed, and you're the president, then you smoke weed in the White House.  Odds: 100%

All of the above information comes from the highly credible website.  NOTE: This is probably not a site you wanna visit at work.

You can write my name in as Jackie if you want, for equality purposes.

I appreciate the offer.  I think I'll just start calling you Jackie in real life instead.

PS - Lotta smart people out there using the Google Machine:

Katie G

What did people do to procrastinate at work before social media? or...before the Internet?

Well yeah, before Twitter/Facebook, people just putzed around on the internet.  No big deal.  But before that?  That's insane.  If there's one thing that the internet is better at than anything else in the history of the world, it's killing time.  I imagine old people used to do crosswords in their lap.  Or maybe they actually worked?  Can we rule that out?  All you ever hear about is old people bitching about young people having no work ethic and what not.  Maybe they should consider that we just have so many awesome THINGS at our disposal to entertain us.  Why enter that data when you can tweet a picture of your lunch?

The more I think about it, the more mysterious the pre-internet world was.  People actually read newspapers, checked out books from libraries, TALKED TO EACH OTHER IN PERSON.  Really strange stuff.  I'm not sure I'd still be alive if Al Gore didn't bless us with the internet.

Stephen S

Why don't the Badgers schedule any decent opponents or at least teams which draw, for their non-conference games?  I would love to see the badgers schedule in Notre Dame, Stanford, Arizona, maybe even Texas instead of Northern Iowa, Austin Peay and Wofford.

I'm going to (safely) assume we're talking about football here.  One thing has to be understood: It takes 2 to make these big time home and homes.  If we wanna play a Notre Dame or Texas, they have to want to play us as well.  They have to agree to come to Camp Randall.  That is much easier said than done.

Another factor: These non-conference games are usually scheduled multiple years in advance.  How many programs out there will for sure be good in 4 years?  Even ones you think are stable have down years.  Look at the schools you named:
  • Notre Dame - From 2007 - 2010, they were a combined 24-26
  • Stanford - From 2002 - 2009, they were a combined 33-60
  • Arizona - We played at Arizona in 2004.  They went 3-8 that year.  I struggle to remember the last time they were in a BCS picture.
  • Texas - 13-12 in the last 2 years.
We played Oregon State at home last year and travel west this season to play them again.  Most people probably just think they're shit.  But they were 36-17 from 2006-2009.  Outside of, what, maybe 5-10 programs, there is simply NO guarantee that any opponent 3, 4, 5 years from now will be quality.

None of this even touches on the risk/reward of having a challenging non-conference schedule.  In my eyes, there's little to gain (a slight bump with the computers) vs. everything to lose (1-loss Wisconsin will most likely NEVER make a National Championship game).  If we get a little lucky and our future opponents are on the upswing, we'll be fine.

PS - @ASU in 2013, @WSU in 2014, @Virginia Tech in 2016, Washington and Virginia Tech in 2017.  If a school like Virginia Tech (back-to-back BCS bowls) falls apart in the next 3 years, will you blame Barry and BB for not scheduling tough opponents?

Quick hitters for the home stretch...

Dean B

Why does wisco have such broke cheerleaders?

I have no idea, but they're consistently broke every year.

Kevin H

What is your least favorite thing about college basketball?

The one-and-dones.  Get rid of the age limit and let them go to the League.  And Michigan State.

What is your least favorite college (Ohio State)?  Coach (Ohio State)?

LOADED QUESTION.  While I hate OSU as much as the next guy, I think it's a 3 way tie between them, Michigan, and Michigan State.  I've spent my whole life hating Michigan, and OSU is filthy... but the UW/MSU rivalry is growing real fast.

What are the best and worst parts of St Pattys day?

Best: This.  Worst: People who are 4% Irish acting like it's their national holiday.

How many times do you plan to see wrath of the titans?

I hope this is sarcastic.

Who is your favorite roommate?

Since I know neither of them are going to read this, let me just say that they both suck.

Why don't all athletic shorts have pockets?

I assume because people can get their fingers snagged in pockets, but that's bullshit.  Shorts without pockets are virtually worthless, and I own far too many of them.

What is the next billion dollar idea that people really have no need for (see beanie babies, snuggies)?  (If you can answer this question, you probably shouldn't, but let me get in.)

I know the answer but I'm not telling because I'm tired of sharing my BDI's with the world.  Gonna come back to bite me one of these days.

What is the most number of questions you've gotten from someone bored at work?

I think we're approaching the record.

What is the best theme party idea that you've never been a part of?  (If you answer golf pros and tennis hoes, please remove me from this list and kill yourself.)

I'm glad I read the part in parentheses before answering.  Someone had Ski School party in January, and I was kinda mad I couldn't go to it.

Do you like IMAX?

I haven't been to an IMAX since I was a kid and saw like 'Whales of the Deep Ocean'.  It's expensive and stupid.

Where does game of thrones opening song/map tour rank among openings for shows?  Personally, I was a big fan of the openings to how to make it in America, the wire, and dexter.  Not entourage (the oh yeahs at the end always bothered me).

Game of Thrones is almost for sure the best.  Not only is the music kickass, but it's dynamic and fantastically illustrated.  This is the only other one I can think of that you didn't list.  But I never would have known about it if it weren't for this guy.

That'll do it.  To the people that emailed, commented, tweeted, or liked - thank you.  Hearing back from you makes this fun.  I'll see you in August.

Always and forever...