Thursday, October 31, 2013

at Iowa

It's Iowa week, and that means only one thing: HEARTLAND TROPHY UP FOR GRABS:

HOT FIRE from the @UWMadison twitter account. LOVE IT. And it's just so logical that Wisconsin and Iowa battle for a trophy with a giant bull on it, isn't it? I mean, I don't know much about Iowan culture, but after growing up in Milwaukee and spending five years in Madison, I can safely say that the matador/bullfighting lifestyle is MORE than prevalent in the Midwest. However, there's one big problem here: I don't really know a whole lot about Iowa. I know that on a map I have a 50/50 shot of correctly identifying Iowa ('This one is Iowa, right? Or wait, is this Ohio? THIS IS A TRICK QUESTION'). I know that there's a Davenport in Illinois AND in Iowa. But that's really about it. LET'S DIG DEEPER:


The word 'professional' has a completely different definition in the Hawkeye state.

Minor league baseball, indoor football, American Hockey League, NBA D-League, professional sports. Got it. Technically the players on those teams make money, so I guess Iowa really is stacked with professional sports teams? THE MORE YOU KNOW

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Bye Week Mailbag #2!

Your questions, my answers. This got long. You've been warned. Let's do this thing.


Jeff W:

What are your top 5 favorite .gifs on the internet? I would assume this is one of them:



While I love me some Chris Farley, I think my top 5 looks a little something like this:

1) Raptors Mascot

The derpy face. The tiny little raptor feet struggling in roller blades. The depressed tail deflating at the end. GIF PERFECTION.

2) Oprah Bees

EASILY the best part is when she puts her hand up and bobs her head up and down while dancing to her right. God that kills me. I don't even remember if that part's from the real video or not. I don't care.

3) Cookie Monster

There's a scene in Knocked Up where Seth Rogan and Paul Rudd are talking about how much Rudd's kids love bubbles, and Rudd says that he'll never love ANYTHING as much as they love bubbles. That's how I feel when I see Cookie Monster here. I know that there's no way I'll ever love anything nearly as much as he loves a giant cookie cake surrounded by perimeter cookies. Mouth agape. Eyes GOOGLY. And look how happy all his friends are for him!

4) Thug City


Just... did not see that coming. If they were on roller blades, we wouldn't even be having this conversation. The skates put me over the edge.

5) The Watermelon Face Crushing Smile


In all honesty, I'm not 100% sure these two were related. I've always assumed those reactions were from the girl destroying her face with a watermelon. So I went ahead and stitched them together with some INTERNET MAGIC. Works for me.

Honorable Mention: Please Just Watch Her Face

Monday, October 21, 2013

Bye Week Mailbag - Part 2

Glaring omission from the Hairstyle Rankings: Poofed-Up-Front-Ponytail-Combo. FIRE

Have we ever had TWO byes before? What is this crap? Although, I will point out that having a bye that splits two road games AND falls on Halloween weekend is actually kind of clutch. Players get to rest up before traveling to Iowa; we get to avoid that whole 'how can I sneak Badger gear into my costume' conundrum.

SPEAKING of costumes, what are the rules on recycling from the previous year? What if you had a really AWESOME costume? Can I go as Jon Taffer and throw raw chicken in people's grills all night and then verbally assault them for TOUCHING RAW CHICKEN? Will every party be 40% guys, 10% girls, and 50% Miley Cyrus costumes?

MYSTERIES ABOUND. And Halloween is such a perfect time for mysteries. I fucking love Halloween and will keep on judging any person that doesn't dress up for both nights.

With that said, shoot me whatever questions you've got. Halloween, CTA #Eltiquette... it's all fair game. Here's a link to the mailbag a few weeks ago in case you need inspiration. Email me or hit me up on Twitter with your questions. The sooner you get your question in, the better. Don't be shy.


Thursday, October 17, 2013

at Illinois

We are not losing another game in 2013.

Don't believe me? Think I'm just some blind homer? Well, let's take a stroll down Schedule Street:

at Illinois: Yes, the same Illinois that has lost 15 consecutive B1G games. Yes, the same Illinois that gave up over 600 yards to Washington. Yes, the same Illinois that gives up more rushing yards per game than Purdue. That Illinois. We have no business losing to them, and we're 12+ point favorites on the road. Next.

Bye Week: I'm in a bad mood. You know how I'm on a never-ending quest to come up with a #BillionDollarIdea? Well, some jackass in Madison just beat me to the punch with THE SNUGGLE HOUSE. For $60 an hour, you can go into his totally not-creepy lair and have a PROFESSIONAL SNUGGLER snuggle you up. TOTALLY NOT CREEPY:

And you gotta respect the way the owner conducts his business:
The Snuggle House, 123 E. Main St., was scheduled to open Tuesday but that was postponed because city and fire inspections had not been completed, an occupancy permit had not been issued and city concerns were yet not addressed, according to Timothy Casper, the business’ lawyer. 
Jennifer Zilavy, assistant city attorney, said she has yet to see a business plan for the small company, which aims to provide therapy through touch. 
Zilavy contacted the business two weeks ago after seeing its advertisement on Craigslist asking for professional snugglers.
Fire inspection? Nah. Occupancy permit? Not necessary. Business plan? SCHMIZNESS PLAN. Straight to Craigslist looking for 'professional snugglers' is how Matthew Hurtado rolls. For the record, I OBVIOUSLY searched on Craigslist to find one of the listings he wrote for professional snugglers, but all that turned up were awkward listings for used breast pumps, including the single saddest thing I've ever read on the internet:
This pump is basically brand new, I tried to use it for maybe two weeks after my son was born but I just could not produce milk. 
I was going to keep it because my fiancé and I were going to try for another baby, but he passed away and I now see no more babies in my future anytime soon and am in need of money to buy my son winter clothing.
I emailed this person, mainly because I need to know if it's true. There's probably better than a 50% chance this is a stolen breast pump and it's a scam, but in the off-chance that it's legitimate I need to know. Fucking Double Swindle Breast Pump Scam. Seen it a million times. I wish people weren't allowed to lie on the internet.

PS - If the snuggles include some back scratching, then this is actually genius. Back scratching is how you graduate from Snuggles 101.


Since the meeting, Hurtado said he created a 70-page business manual that includes business plans, procedures and safety information. 
Also included is training information that his four professional snugglers have gone through that covers business procedures and how to handle difficult situations, such as inappropriate touching by clients.
Page 1 of the training manual is for sure 'How To Deal With Boners', right? RESIST THE POKING.

at Iowa: Oh yeah, football! Iowa has been irrelevant for years!

BYU: I think it sums up our home slate this year pretty nicely that between Northwestern and BYU, we couldn't decide which was the best game to go to. In the end, I'm more intrigued by BYU. Independents! Mormons! Can't wait to spend a full weekend in Madison for this game.

Indiana: Every single time we beat IU (and there will be many of those times), Hoosier fans will just play it off like they don't care. 'We go to IU for BASKETBALL!' Then the one time in the next 500 years that we lose to them they will never shut up. Tom Crean is a cock-eyed douchebag.

at Minnesota: At what point does it cease to be a rivalry and begin to be an obligation?

Penn State: Senior Day against these assholes, I hope every UW  player puts a '42' on their helmet. WE DOIN' THIS ONE FOR MAUTI. #AmericanHero #NeverForget #FORTHETROOPSandmautitoo

Boom, 10-2, chance at a BCS game anywhere other than Pasadena (PLEASE). Worse case, we'll fuck up some SEC team, finish the year in the top 10, and be favorites to get back to Indy next season. Not bad for year one of the Gary Andersen Era.

CHICAGO BADGERS: My advice to you is to not show up at Will's at 6:45 p.m. for a night game. There's probably going to be a line. You do not want to spend kickoff waiting in line. Get there on time, grab a bucket of beer, and settle in for a good time.

REAL HEROES IN A CITY OF COWARDS: My dad writes about his trip to D.C. with the Nevada Honor Flight. Since I'm still on his AT&T family plan, I couldn't say no to plugging this here. But it's worth a read. If you don't know what the Honor Flight is, they gather up WW2 vets to travel to D.C. People are waving American flags at the airports for them, they get a police escort through the city, etc. Cool stuff, and my grandpa at his current age is more badass than 95% of my friends. He's been promising me hookers in Vegas since I was in middle school.



Thursday, October 10, 2013

#19 Northwestern

I am officially on #TeamMiley. There, I said it. I fucking love anything and everything that girl is doing with her life. Maybe it's because I'm a huge fan of letting your freak flag fly. Maybe it's because for the first time in my life I find myself incredibly attracted to a girl with a CLASSIC hipster haircut (it's not 'The Miley'. It's hipster hair. Don't kid yourself - double side buzz while quadrant 4 is free to roam like a herd of pre-Oregon Trail buffalo). Maybe it's because I can finally confirm that she is actually one hell of a singer:

I don't know what it is. I just know that I'm sick of people crying about her like she's fucking destroying society because she dresses like a college girl during Halloween and talks about sex and drugs and rock and roll and grinds up on a dick when she's dancing. Like kids haven't been doing that at dances since Miley was still on the Disney Channel. Give me a break.

She's 20 years old, rich, talented, and famous. She doesn't like riding horses, hates cats, and prefers real dogs to those tiny little rat-dogs. She watches Workaholics. She went to Haiti and helped deaf kids get hearing aids... and then raged on rum all night. I love all of this. And as for the whole tongue thing?

I just stick my tongue out because I hate smiling in pictures. It's so awkward. It looks so cheesy. Now people expect it, like, "Put your tongue out!" It's just easier that way. Taking pictures is so embarrassing. But there's also something about it that I think is cool. Every other girl is so serious – like, this is my moment on the red carpet, I'm in my ball gown, looking pretty. There's something empowering about what I'm doing right now. Especially having "short hair don't care." I think it's empowering for girls. Because there's not one thing that defines what beauty is.
It's taking everything in my power to avoid the MJ Tongue comparison, but I couldn't agree more with Miley here. Smiling in pictures and shit, so awkward. This girl preaches TRUTH at every turn, and that's refreshing from a celebrity.

Do your thang, Miley.


PS - My top plays on jukeboxes at bars:

PPS - This is what happens when there's a week without a Badger game to talk about. I literally lose my brain. Good god.

PPPS - Watching that video of Miley with The Roots reminds me of the day I learned that Lady Gaga was ALSO incredibly talented and not just another autotuned hack like Taylor Swift:

4xPS - Okay fine that Gaga video made me go back and watch one of my all-time favorites, so you might as well join me:

If Greyson isn't dating Blondie up there then I don't want to live in this cruel world anymore.

CHICAGO BADGERS: I'm heading up to Madison for the game, but you know the drill. Take advantage of that outdoor patio at Will's while the weather is still nice.

GET ME OUT OF YOUR SPAM/PROMOTIONS FOLDER: If these emails are dropping in your spam or promotions folder, just drag them to your inbox or mark them as 'not spam'. And make sure to check the setting to do that for all future emails from me. I'm a lot of things, but I am not spam.

DOES YOUR FRIEND/ROOMMATE/SISTER/MOM/COUSIN WANT TO GET ON THIS LIST? If so, shoot me their email address and I'll take care of it. Unless you selfishly enjoy being the middleman and forwarding it on to your friends yourself. I know you people are out there.

For the record, I have added several dads, but no moms. This must CHANGE.



Thursday, October 3, 2013

Bye Week Mailbag!

No more talk about the OSU game. This is really long. On to your questions:

Katie G:
Do men hate or love sock buns?
I had to google 'sock buns' because I wasn't sure if an actual sock was used. Looks like some doughnut shaped loofa is preferred. Weird. Anyway, GIRL HAIRSTYLE POWER RANKINGS:

1) Loose Waves

Oh hell yes. Didn't take me long in my deliberations to go with the old LOOSE WAVES at numero uno. That's just a damn good look. I bet other girls fucking HATE you if you got the hair for this.

2) Side Braid

Fancy, but not too fancy. And probably the only time someone is justified in saying 'make sure you get me from my good side.' Because that braid side is for DAMN sure your good side.

3) High Ponytail


4) Half Up

Still trying to wrap my brain around what this one actually means, but it seems like another one of those 'girls who can't do it secretly despise girls who can do it' styles. Passive-aggressive hair jealousy is the BEST.

5) Low Ponytail

I'm not even sure if this technically qualifies as a low ponytail (seems a little side ponyish if you ask me), but yes this is good looking hair. I am having a little bit of fun with this whole 'googling really attractive girls' thing.

6) Low Bun

High Pony > Low Pony, Low Bun > High Bun. BIZARRE.