Friday, October 28, 2011

Badger Preview: @ Ohio State

I spent a good portion of the drive back from East Lansing trying to decide how I was gonna write about that debacle.  I had a lot of ideas: A giant paint cartoon breaking down the trip, homemade animated GIF's of the word 'fuck', recording a video of myself crying and sending it out to everyone... you name it, I thought of it.  But in the end, it's not worth the time.  We lost.  That ain't changing.  Whether or not there was a missed false start, indisputable evidence to overturn the last play, or anything else of the sort doesn't really matter.  The ultimate goal for this team - the lofty expectations - will not be met.  And there are two ways to look at that:
  1. This season is a disappointment.
  2. It's exciting that we're reaching a level where not going undefeated is considered a disappointment.
Personally, I'm trying my absolute hardest to embrace the latter.  All those great recruits aren't de-committing because we lost on a last second hail mary to a top 15 team on the road.  We still control our own destiny for winning our division and winning the first ever Big 10 Championship Game.  These are good things.  Back to back conference championships and Rose Bowl appearances is a DAMN good achievement.  But the dream of winning a National Championship will have to be put on hold for now.  Just hopefully not for too long.


PS - Last four possessions of the first half:

Interception, safety, blocked field goal, blocked punt recovered for a touchdown.  That, my friends, is no recipe for success on the road.

CHICAGO BADGERS: I heard Sully's was a good time last week - I'm sure they're doing something again this weekend.  This is also the only Badger game where I'll approve of people not wearing red.  I encourage you to wake up and put your Halloween costume on Friday morning and not take it off until Sunday night.  That's good hustle.

SHAMELESS PLUGS: I tumble for you.

(You should have that scene in Billy Madison playing in your head right now.  Or you didn't have a childhood.)




Stay with me here, but they are really, REALLY bad at cheating.  Why is that a good thing?  Because if you suck at cheating, you get caught.  And then we all get to spend forever and ever making fun of them for all the shady tattoo and car deals that went down.  Plus, we get gems like this from the OSU president:

We are the poster child for compliance, and whenever we discover a possible infraction, we resolve and report it to the NCAA, no matter how minor the violation.

I spent a good 4-5 minutes just sitting and laughing after I heard that quote.  That's like saying I'm the poster child for hating chocolate milk.  ABSURD.

So, on behalf of everyone with at least half of a brain, thank you Ohio State for just doing you.  You bring us more unintentional joy than you can possibly imagine, and for that, we are eternally grateful.

PS - You suck balls and deserved the death penalty.

PPS - For those of you that don't know what I'm referring to when I say 'death penalty', just know that I'm not a murderous monster.  Read this and feel better.

PPPS - This Wikipedia page needs much more information added, including an 'Appearances in Popular Culture' section.


5) Cripple Creek - NO FUCKING TOMATO - Silver Mine Subs
LOVE.  And before I even begin describing everything that is amazing about the Cripple Creek, I have to quote Mr. Magary one more time, because he recently addressed something that I've been thinking for a LONG time:

They always fall out of the sandwich, which is annoying. I don't know why tomatoes are always given an automatic berth in any sandwich I order. I shouldn't have to ask for my sandwich to NOT have tomato and mayo. They are interlopers. I'll decide what toppings I deem worthy, fuck you very much.

Amen.  I'm also extremely weird with tomatoes:

  • Marinara sauce
  • Salsa/seltzer
  • Whole tomatoes
  • Chunky tomato sauce
  • Ketchup
Is there any logic to that?  On the way to Michigan, we stopped at a Wendy's real quick and I CLEARLY specified that I wanted a PLAIN JBC (junior bacon cheeseburger).  I took one bite when we got on the road and just let out a big 'ol 'WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS NOISE.'  Inside was a huge slice of tomato and a metric shit ton of mayo.  You might think, based on my endless love for ranch, that I'm a mayo fan as well.  HELL NO.  Mayo grosses me out, and since it's unhealthy, I feel like I'm taking the high road when I decline.  'No, no mayo for me, trying to watch what I eat... but can I get 2 sides of ranch for the fries please?'  Sometimes I think I'm considerably smarter than most people.

But back to the Cripple Creek.  If you step back and look at it, it really violates two of my Fast Food Sandwich Principles: Chicken and not toasted.  Ever get chicken on a sub from Subway or Quizno's?  There's no question that's grade F quality meat.  I have no idea why Taco Bell gets assaulted for its beef when the sub shops are peddling mashed up chicken uterus to us.  Yet, I find myself thoroughly enjoying the chicken at Silver Mine.  I assume because they're from Colorado, and Colorado is really health-conscious, that they put a little effort into finding the ride balance of quality/cost for the chicken.  So I'm OK with it.

The fact that it's not toasted is also overlooked due to the chicken being warm.  This trickles down to everything else once the sub is wrapped up, creating wholly satisfactory experience.  Chicken, bacon, ranch and lettuce all working together to make me one happy Badger.  Mmmmmm.

PS - Unbelievable chocolate chunk cookies.  What's up with sub places having the dankest cookies?  Subway, Quizno's, Silver Mine - I could just go to town on the cookies at all of these places.


6) Plaza Burger and Cheddar Munchers - The Plaza
7) Sweet & Sour Chicken (SAUCE ON THE SIDE) - Asian Kitchen
8) Buffalo Bites - The City
9) Wings - Quaker Steak & Lube
10) Qdoba Queso Burrito/Henry
12) Pizza di Roma Chicken Parm & Pepperoni/Sausage Pizza

Honorable Mentions: Casa B's Slice/Breadsticks, Falbo Bro's Chicken Parm Sub, Za's Cajun Alfredo Pasta with Pepperoni and Garlic, Jamie's Cookie Cakes


OSU RB Boom Herron vs. UW Defense

Before Herron's return from suspension, OSU's offense was... terrible.  Zero dimensional.  No passing game, no rushing game, just not very good.  But with Herron back in the mix, the Buckeyes finally have a weapon to lean on when they have the ball.  Because they sure as shit can't pass: When they beat Illinois, they completed ONE pass the entire game.  So it should go without saying that UW will need to focus on shutting Herron down while forcing OSU to throw the ball.  Do that, and I have a difficult time envisioning the Buckeyes moving the ball effectively against Wisconsin's defense.


The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army

Creating a sound with a lot of depth despite only using minimal instruments is not an easy feat - but they do a damn good job of it.  Plus, HUGE fan of female drummers:

Kim, I freaking love you.

Dexie's Midnight Runners - Come On Eileen

So mad I can't find the Tommy Boy car montage scene.  That scene is CLASSIC.  Ugh.

Ludacris - Blueberry Yum Yum

I don't condone illicit materials.  But if I did, I would absolutely watch this video while partaking in such activities.


Still devastated

But it is time to move on

Fuck up OSU


This is one of the most impressive photographic achievements I've ever seen.  I don't even know what devices and techniques are involved in making it, I just know that it looks incredible and I'm extremely jealous.

How have I never thought of this?

This 9 year old kid is KILLING it at his school dance.  And his costume is amazing.

PS - Since when did 9 year olds have school dances?

PPS - Since when did 9 year olds have ravers?


Taco dog from Wrigley.  For those of you keeping score at home, that's a hot dog with ground beef, cheese, lettuce, sour cream, pico and jalapenos (which I had to request, obvs).  Just an incredible conglomeration of taste, and surprisingly not that messy.  Ultimate ballpark food.

Did it help that it was a gorgeous day?  Yes.

Did it help that the Cubs won?  Nah, not really.  The Cubs were TERRIBLE last season.  Just embarrassingly bad.  Bleh.


Bounce back.  Beat Ohio State.  The pick:



Thursday, October 20, 2011

Badger Preview: @ #16 Michigan State

Thinking about a business trip to East Lansing, can't decide if I wanna pull the trigger.  Let's make some pros and cons:

  • Could be a season defining win
  • I've never been to East Lansing
  • Nothing is better than celebrating a big win as a visiting fan in someone else's stadium
  • Night game
  • Affordable tickets
  • I enjoy saying that I've never been to East Lansing
  • A four hour drive at 11 pm after a win kinda sucks.  A four hour drive at 11 pm after a devastating loss is grounds for suicide.
  • Missing out on a great daydrinking Gameday situation
  • I have a feeling I'll get in at least 7 fights, and I'm a lover, not a fighter.
  • Not spending $80+ on a ticket right now is probably smart.
Such a touch decision.  BTW, a business trip for a football game means driving there, going to the game, and immediately driving back.  No crashing on couches or grabbing hotel rooms.  Get in, win, get out, boom, done.  Plus, who the fuck do I know that goes to Michigan State?

CHICAGO BADGERS:So many options.  You could go to Will's.  You could go to Redmond's.  You could even check out Sully's, which is apparently a new Badger bar and is having some $20 all you can eat/drink special.  Wherever you go, go hard.

SHAMELESS PLUGS:Do any of the following interest you?
  • Sports
  • Things that make you laugh
  • The Green Bay Packers
  • Paint pictures
  • Reckless swearing
  • Ripping on other Big Ten schools
If so, then you should know that I write thingsAnd multiple readers here write things.  Go and enjoy.





Well, for starters, they beat Michigan last week.  So it's that whole 'enemy of my enemy is my friend' situation, except that fuck them they're not my friend.  They're a bunch of assholes who twist facemasks and punch people in the mouth and brag about getting unnecessary roughness penalties.  If you've ever seen the movie Sleepers*, they play exactly like the guards do when they played the kids.  And when they play Wisconsin, it will be just like that game: the kids will win.  Wilson is Rizzo.  Except that Wilson doesn't die.  Poor Rizzo.

*Never heard of Sleepers?  How about this for a cast:
  • Kevin BaconBaconBacon
  • Billy Crudup
  • Robert De Niro
  • Minnie Driver
  • Dustin Hoffman
  • Brad Pitt
  • Bunk from The Wire
Is that the best cast ever in a movie that most people don't know about?  I feel like because the movie involves SPOILER ALERT little boys getting butt-raped, it didn't catch on with the mainstream crew.  Conformists.


6) Plaza Burger and Cheesey Potato Things - Plaza

In a city full of great burgers, none fly under the radar quite like a good Plaza Burger.  I feel like people always talk about it, or their parents lived on them when they went to UW, but no one actually GOES to Plaza anymore except to buy Ratatat on the jukebox while talking about their philosophy class.  Well I'm proud to say that I did NEITHER of those things.  Fortunately, I lived close by and was not afraid to indulge.  The burger itself would be pretty good without the sauce, but that liquid crack they pour on the burgers does the trick.  So good.  Always gotta get a side of it for dipping purposes as well.

The cheesy potato things really put this meal over the edge, though.  Imagine unreal tater tots laced with cheese.  Because that's exactly what these bad boys were.  After a quick dunk in the plaza sauce, they're perfection in cheesy potato form.  Mmmmm.

And speaking of the plaza sauce, they deserve a million points for having 'their' sauce not just be some generic 1000 island ripoff.  Every place's special sauce is the same, but Plaza decided to mix it up.  Can't give them enough credit for that, especially considering how bomber the Plaza sauce is.  The only reason I didn't go there when I was in Madison for the Nebraska game is because they don't serve food late at night on account of all the LCD Soundsystem and Broken Social Scene fawning going on.


7) Sweet & Sour Chicken (SAUCE ON THE SIDE) - Asian Kitchen
8) Buffalo Bites - The City
9) Wings - Quaker Steak & Lube
10) Qdoba Queso Burrito/Henry
12) Pizza di Roma Chicken Parm & Pepperoni/Sausage Pizza

Honorable Mentions: Casa B's Slice/Breadsticks, Falbo Bro's Chicken Parm Sub, Za's Cajun Alfredo Pasta with Pepperoni and Garlic, Jamie's Cookie Cakes


MSU DE William Gholston vs. UW Offensive Line

So I alluded to it before, but here's the video of what I'm talking about: FACEMASK TWIST (& shout).  PUNCH.  Ridiculous stuff.  And there's no reason to expect it to stop, either.  Here's a choice quote from MSU safety Isaiah Lewis:

 "Wisconsin should know we're coming," said Lewis, who clinched the victory over Michigan with a 39-yard interception return for a touchdown. "They have a good offense, and that quarterback (Russell Wilson).

"But they should just know our defense is coming. And just like any other team, if they're throwing the ball up, our DBs are going to go get it, our linebackers are going to go get it and our lineman are getting after the quarterback. And they're going to hurt him."
Someone tell this idiot that no one fucks with the (black) Jesus.  To be honest, I'm terrified of Gholston because he has clearly shown that he will do whatever the hell he wants, and his coaches have done NOTHING to stop him.  The worst part?  We recruited this monster.  I don't care how good he is, I'm glad he ended up in that dump of a town.

With their defense gunning for Wilson and trying to hurt him, it's imperative that the UW O-line (and the tight ends, and the backs) play their best game of the year.  Wilson needs to stay healthy, because we've seen enough of the Joe Brennan show to know that he's not really ready to lead this team and make some plays.  If the Big Nasties up front can keep Wilson upright, UW's offense should roll as usual.  We so good.

THURSDAY AFTERNOON UPDATE: Gholston has been suspended for the UW game.  I'm not redoing this section because that requires time and energy, neither of which is in good supply right now.


UW Running Game vs. MSU Rushing Defense

On the road against a tough defense, it's vital that UW controls the clock a little and runs the ball.  That may seem obvious, but to win this game we will NEED to pound the rock.  Doing so will tire out the D (especially the line) and open up the passing game for Black Jesus to terrorize them.  MBS is quietly performing at a Heisman-level, and after being a non-factor in East Lansing a year ago, there's little doubt that he's itching to get out there and run someone over.  Or run around someone.  Or jump over someone.  I don't know how you stop the kid - he's performing at a stupidly high level.  Look for the O-Line to come out on a mission to open up holes for Badger running backs to power through.  Let's get it in.


The Outlaws - Green Grass & High Tides

I only know about this song from playing Rock Band, and fuck this song.  It's 30 minutes long and extremely difficult on guitar and drums.  I actually enjoy listening to it, and it was in heavy rotation when I was playing the game, but I got real sick of failing out all the time.  It doesn't help that I'm just not very good at Rock Band.  Womp womp.

Jimmy Eat World - Lucky Denver Mint

I'm eternally fascinated by the drum beat at the beginning because I think it's awesome, but I know I would butcher the shit out of it over and over if I tried learning it on the actual drums.  Or maybe even on the Rock Band drums.

OutKast - Rosa Parks

Even though I'm white, I'm still allowed to like this song, right?  I hope so, because it's one of my favorite OutKast songs (up there with Whole World, Roses, Ms. Jackson and Hey Ya!).  OutKast is kinda the shit.

Mr. Big - To Be With You

Because I said so.

PS - That music video is so music video-y it hurts.


Revenge for last year

You will not stop this offense

Can't stop destiny


It's safe to say that I didn't do anything nearly as cool as this with my Hot Wheels.  What's wrong with just rocking that 'map on a carpet' world?

I didn't know there was collegiate water skiing, and I REALLY didn't know there were announcers in collegiate water skiing.  Also:

And I don't care what anyone says, but that is going on YouTube

You got that right.

Old video, but apparently everyone in the world hasn't seen it yet.  I'd like to remedy that.  Gotta watch all the way through to the end.


CHANGE OF PACE.  This is the cookie rack* from Steve's Deli in River North.  Amazing stuff here.  I don't know what these types of cookies are called, I just know that I fucking LOVE them and could eat them by the bucket.  Cookies would do really well if they were served in a bucket.

*What comes in a rack and ISN'T great?  Off the top of my head, I love racks of:
Well, that was fun.


Man, I'm a fucking artist.  There's no reason I don't have my own exhibit at any of the splendid museums in Chicago.  I took this one on the way back from the OSU game last year, which is great because it just wasn't enough that I went to Madison, beat the #1 team in the country, rushed the field and got hammered.  Nope.  I had to catch a phenomenal sunset on the way home.  To quote GLC, I was busting, Jerry.  BUSTING!


Friends don't let friends be hipsters.  Seriously, the hair, the hat, the shirt... it's all just so hipster that I feel like listening to some Ra Ra Riot and Scenic Square while browsing the frames section at the organic free-range eyewear store in Wicker Park.


I'll be perfectly honest here: I started to let doubt creep in.  Monday night into Tuesday I was seriously thinking that we might lose this game.  Then I watched the amazing, must-watch ESPN Depth Chart show on UW.  ALL DOUBTS ARE FOREVER ERASED.  This is a team of destiny (you might say the haiku this week was FORESHADOWING to my prediction).  If you listen to everything the coaches and players are saying, it's clear they know this is the year to make it happen.  The pieces are falling in place.  And LEST WE FORGET, we lost in East Lansing last year.  The seniors have NEVER won there.  Trust me when I tell you, the underclassmen are more than aware.  As is Black Jesus, and in Black Jesus I Trust.  Lock it up, championship, LET'S go!  The pick:



Thursday, October 13, 2011

Badger Preview: Indiana

I can't confirm it, but I'm pretty sure that was the best bye week ever. Just DOMINATED it.  Spent a good two weeks having praise heaped all over UW for trouncing Nebraska AND for the electric atmosphere around Madison and in Camp Randall.  By now, everyone in the world wishes they went to Wisconsin, which is great, but at the same time kinda sucks for them because they already messed up and went to Michigan or Minnesota or some other terrible school no one cares about.

As much fun as the bye was (lord knows I needed that day off from Gameday festivities), we're right back at it this Saturday with IU coming to Madison for homecoming.


I don't really get the allure of homecoming.  I'd much rather plan a weekend back in Madison around either 1) A huge game, or 2) The availability of my friends to make a legit ragefest weekend out of it.  Homecoming parade?  Meh.  11 am kickoff against IU?  Quadruple meh.  Don't interpret this as me raining on the parade of everyone going up to Madison this weekend, because there's no doubt you'll have a great time.  I just personally don't think the fact that it's homecoming weekend means that much to me.  I bet it will as we get older, but I still feel young enough to get up there whenever I want and have an amazing time.  And oh, did I have an amazing time for the Nebraska game.

Moral of the story: You can't really mess up by going to Madison, but I find the homecoming parade to be a bit dull.  I swear this whole thing had a point, but I can't really remember what it was.  I'm tired.

CHICAGO BADGERS: I really don't think any bar sounds more/less appealing than the rest.  This could be a good week to just get a crew together at someone's apartment and drink boots of Natty Light, which actually sounds amazing and is probably what I'm gonna push for.  Vaya con dios.

SHAMELESS PLUGS: Almighty tumblr will link you to all the important sites.  You have a lot of catching up to do to get on the same level as this person:

Also, I've somehow seen a steady trickle of page views on the BP Blog from Russia (with love).  If you're reading this right now in Russia, PLEASE email me so I can tell you how awesome you are.  If you're a spammer of some kind, PLEASE email me so I can send you electronic AIDS.




7) Sweet & Sour Chicken (SAUCE ON THE SIDE) - Asian Kitchen

I can't even explain how vital it is that you get the sauce on the side.  If you don't, you end up with a soggy mess of chicken and rice with no chance of repair.  HOWEVER, if you get the sauce on the side, the chicken remains wonderfully crispy while still allowing you to dunk for maximum sauce coverage.  It seems like a total no-brainer, but you'd be shocked by how many people continually mess this up.

Other thoughts:
  • White rice over fried rice every day and twice on Sundays, which was assuredly my most frequent AzKitch day (hungover, football, no desire to leave, BRING ME MY CHICKEN).
  • Crab rangoon over egg roll and it's not close either.
  • One meal over two because I totally lack the self-control to try and save enough to make it a full meal later on.  This usually means slowly eating the entire thing over a 4-5 hour span.  Again, ideal for NFL Sunday.
  • Order online over calling it in because the odds that you get the one person that can actually speak English there are insanely low.
  • Lunch combo over dinner special, because I said so.
  • Lawry's seasoning salt on the rice over soy sauce, again, because I said so.  And because it's sneakily one of the best Lawry's usages out there.
Asian Kitchen is also my favorite place to do the whole 'save the best pieces for last' strategy.  Anyone who enjoys food 1/6th as much as I do should know exactly what I'm talking about.  The most ideal pieces of chicken are going NOWHERE until I've eaten all the small/unnaturally large pieces first.  Along the same line of thinking, it's beyond important that you save enough rice to match up with the last piece of chicken.  I'm not gonna say I'm the best in the universe at doing this type of thing, but I probably am.  Years of practice with chicken tenders and fries to learn how to partition out a meal like that evenly.  People who just house their fries first and then go to town on the rest of their meal aren't human and freak me the fuck out.  IT'S ALL ABOUT BALANCE.

For some reason I feel like Michelle Obama really hates me and my lifestyle.


8) Buffalo Bites - The City
9) Wings - Quaker Steak & Lube
10) Qdoba Queso Burrito/Henry
12) Pizza di Roma Chicken Parm & Pepperoni/Sausage Pizza

Honorable Mentions: Casa B's Slice/Breadsticks, Falbo Bro's Chicken Parm Sub, Za's Cajun Alfredo Pasta with Pepperoni and Garlic, Jamie's Cookie Cakes


Great Student Section Race

The Nebraska game featured one of my all-time favorite moves: O gets tripped up, uses L as a launching pad and goes Sonic the Hedgehog all the way up to the finish line for a huge come from behind victory.  I was sitting in O and obviously we all went nuts.  Something about winning that damn race makes Jump Around 10x more intense.  You think there's a breakdown out there of the winning percentages for all the sections?  O has to win like 80% of the time.  It's not enough that O is one giant party, but they also dominate the race.  There's a reason we used to sit in O instead of P back when they still had under/upperclassmen tickets.  I also don't like being that close to normal people, and P provides that buffer necessary to not make you feel like a bad person when you yell 'Fuck You' and look to your left and see a 5 year old kid looking quizzically at you.

Eat Shit vs. Fuck You

While we're on the topic, what do you guys think about this cheer?  When I was a student I was all for it, because EAT SHIT.  Why not, right?  But now I kinda understand the hatred for it amongst older alumni (and trust me, as a nerdbox who frequents Badger message boards, old alumni hate this cheer more than a meth addict hates imaginary spiders).  The worst for me was when ESPN came out and said it was terrible and might affect their decisions to come to Madison in the future (which was obviously a bluff, and we called that bluff, and we won big.  AM I RIGHT OSU AND NEBRASKA?).  So I understand that we can't just get rid of it without a replacement cheer.  THOUGHTS:
  • Eat poop/fudge you.  Subtle but effective.  And teaching young kids in the stadium to say 'fudge' and 'poop' instead of 'fuck' and 'shit' seems like the most logical thing I've ever thought of.
  • Have the stadium sound system bleep out 'fuck' and 'shit' when the students do the cheer.  This works for multiple reasons: 1) No more swearing, 2) Everyone knows that bleeps are funnier than the actual words they cover up.
  • Oh fuck it, they should just keep doing the damn cheer.  If you're a parent and you can't explain to your child that they shouldn't be saying words like 'fuck' and 'shit', then you're a fucking shitty parent and should probably fucking get to work on being less shitty.

Black Jesus' Heisman Campaign vs. Running Up The Score

This has gotta be pretty tough for Bielema.  On the one hand, having Black Jesus win the Heisman would be the ultimate recruiting tool.  Anytime someone says Wisconsin is just a running team with game managing quarterbacks, BB could just hold up a picture of Wilson accepting the Heisman and be like, 'O RLY?'  But Bielema has to be careful, because continuing that perception of running up the score will only draw the ire of fellow coaches and media, and, well, those people get to vote on important things like rankings and Heismans.  So you can reasonably expect Wilson to put up his numbers in the first half, hand the ball off in the 3rd quarter, and then grab a headset for the 4th.

Here's what I don't get though.  How are we supposed to not run the score up on a team like IU?  I think if we ran the ball every snap in the second half, even if it was with Gordon/Lewis instead of MBS/White, we'd STILL hang 60 on them.  Should we just take a knee every damn time we get the ball once we're up 40?  It's such bullshit.  As Jimmy Johnson awesomely said: If you don't want us dancing, keep us out of the end zone.  Seriously, if your first string defense can't stop our 2nd/3rd string offense, then you've got a lot more to worry about than what WE'RE doing.  Fuck it, go for the jugular Bielema.


Portugal, The Man - So American

Let's be real (#realtalk): Portugal, The Man is the worst band name of all-time.  No idea if you always use a comma, even Spotify doesn't know.  I understand wanting to be different and make yourself stand out in a saturated industry like music.  But mixing up words and randomly placing commas is NOT the way to do it.  This is EXACTLY why their trailer was stolen during Lolla.  Someone clearly had enough of their hipster name and decided to teach them a lesson.  Also, I like this song.

SR-71 - Right Now

I've had this song as 'Kick Me When I'm High' in my iTunes for about 12 years.  And it's one of my best examples of songs I have that are messed up in some way.  Some skip, some are cut off, some have a little extra at the end (hello Buddy Holly with the Sweater Song drum intro).  With this song, there's a blatant skip in the intro guitar riff.  I know it so well that I'm thrown off when I DON'T hear it.  Just like my version of 'Sheniqua' skips back to the chorus too soon after the second verse.  Should I just re-download good versions of these songs?  Probably.  Am I sentimentally attached to the messed up versions and treat them like they're special to me?  Fuck.

Nirvana - Rape Me

Rape me
Rape me my friend
Rape me
Rape me again
I just love the fact that this is an actual song, and it's actually a GOOD song as well.  Very few bands could get away with this.   Nirvana was one of them.

PS - Maybe it's just me, but this song sounds like the perfect promotional music for my Customized Rape Whistle business  I'm the best kind of entrepreneur - the delusional kind.


The spread is 40

Worst opponent of the year

Better stick to hoops*

*This guy!


Big time showdown going on at THG.  Who's the better rollerskating dance?


The guy def has some fresh moves, but anyone can look good on a well-oiled Skateland floor.


Oh, fuck it, who are we kidding?  The Champ ain't losing his title EVER.  I can't over how great that video is.  I'm gettin' paper...


ZOMG SHE'S SLEEPING!  On her little pillow perch!  Again, this is when she's at her best: Not eating the couch or barking at your food or anything else obnoxious like that.  Just sleeping, quietly.  Actually, I guess her eyes are open there.  But she WAS sleeping before I woke her up trying to get a picture of her between FIFA games.


Sometimes I think context might be important.

Has anyone actually used Rosetta Stone?  Does it work?  I feel like it's one of those things where I can't really tell if it's a scam or a genius product that destroys language barriers.  It's gotta work, right?  How else could they still be selling billions of these CD's.  If it were a scam, I'm assuming someone would have reported it by now and they would've been shut down by our kickass government.  But that hasn't happened, which means one of two things:
  1. It's legit.  Or
  2. It's a government slush fund
I have no fucking idea what a slush fund is, I just know that in every badass movie, corrupt government officials always operate these slush funds, and they always make a lot of money by doing something illegal/mischievous. Yeah, definitely starting to think Rosetta Stone is a slush fund.


That would be pulled pork and elotes from the Brown Bag Food Truck.  To date, that's still my favorite food truck meal.  Unfortunately, I keep missing them when they come to the Mart, so I haven't had a chance to try the brisket yet.  But it's at the top of my list.  I've already documented my love for elotes, so I won't get into that again.  Just allow me to say that the spicy sauce they have for the corn is FANTASTIC, and this meal is meant to be all mashed together and eaten like a wildling.  Highly recommend you track them down if they come by your office/apartment: @brownbagtruck


Not the standard sky porn that you're used to, but I still love how this turned out.  The first one was taken during the last day of that absurd blizzard a year ago.  The second taken from the exact same spot about 4 hours later.  Consider this your early warning to move to California if you're not ready for this type of shit again.


Last year we scored 83 on these idiots.  I don't think we quite get to that level again this year, but anything less than 60 points would shock me.  Indiana has no business playing the same sport, being in the same league, or playing in the same stadium.  Make some early afternoon plans because this one's done with right away.  The pick:



Monday, October 10, 2011

Badger Preview: Bye Week Mailbag Part 2!

Part 2, LET'S go!

Sid K:

Everyone knows about Aaron Rodgers "championship belt" celebration, if the NCAA allowed touchdown celebrations what should Russell Wilson's be?

I think there's only one thing he could do that would top Rodgers' belt: After scoring a touchdown, Wilson would have to run towards Bucky.  Bucky would then roll out some blue paper while his little spirit squad puts plastic boats on it.  Bucky himself would take a step on it and immediately fall over/struggle.  Wilson then just calmly walks across it, doesn't smile, turns to the camera and mouths, 'Black Jesus.'

Yeah, just like that.  Those are waves, by the way.

Photoshop is on my other computer.

Ryan G:

Why is blue cheese the default dipping sauce for wings instead of ranch? Ranch kicks the shit out of blue cheese in every possible manner.

Why isn't there a 24-hour diner type restaurant on or around the Madison campus? Wouldn't this make billions?

Simple answer: Tradition.  Tradition is simultaneously the greatest and worst thing in the world.  You can use it to justify pretty much anything (to a certain degree).  So if you ask any elitist buffalo wing person, they'll tell you to NEVER bread a wing and to ONLY, under PENALTY OF FUCKING DEATH, use bleu cheese.  You know what?  Last I checked, 'bleu' is French, and the fuck if I want to be associated with French ANYTHING.  Oh yeah, I don't trust anything can be served in liquid or dingleberry form.  Fuck you bleu cheese, fuck you right in your beret.

I'm pretty sure there are no 24 hour diners in Madison because one of those aldermen or mayors decided that it would be a bad idea, therefore everyone must suffer.  Who doesn't love diners?  Kids love diners (placemats and crayons are the BEST.  I was top 10 nationally in restaurant word searches filled out with crayons).  Old people love diners.  Drunks love diners.  Stoners love diners.  Cops love diners.  Drunk cops LIVE for diners.  So the only logical explanation is that there's some stupid Madison ordinance not allowing establishments of a certain type to be open 24 hours.  I hate the law.


I was looking over your restaurant itinerary from the Nebraska weekend.  To recap: Quaker S&L, SMine, and AzKitch.  I'll be honest here - it feels like a missed opportunity.  I see no Jin's, Dotty's, Ian's, and what about the all time favorite Jimmy John's?  Was it because places were so packed?  I assume Jin's is still there, and even though you are the new Ian's bitch or whatever it's called, you still have to pay respect to the original.  Please explain your thought process.

I have a perfectly reasonable explanation for why I didn't go to those places you listed:
  • Jin's - apparently it's called JD's now?  And you know what they advertise on the side of their truck?  Polish sausages.  I'm sorry, but the day Jin's stopped being a plain white, broken down trailer that only made chicken and fish, Jin's stopped being an integral part of my life.  It's sad to think about, but I will NEVER eat another Jin's sandwich for the rest of my life.  Which may be a good thing.  We've got a lot of good memories and we had a lot of good times.  But everything that has a beginning has an end... Neo.
  • Dotty's - I LOVE Dotty's, but it's a sit down, no rush, peaceful adventure.  Every meal I eat in Madison when I'm visiting for the weekend is rapid fire, usually hammered, and on the go.  So while I was totally craving a Melting Pot, it just wasn't possible given the itinerary.
  • Ian's - I won't even begin to explain how many times I go to the Ian's in Wrigleyville.  It even has some of the same people from the one on Frances, so I feel like I'm still honest to my roots.
  • Jimmy John's - Get fucked.
And it's Customer of the Month, not Ian's Bitch.  Get it right or I'll have them ban your ass for life.

Katie G:

1. Why do some people always remember their dreams, and other rarely do? It seems that women are more likely to recall their dreams than men, why would this be?
2. What is the best cure for a hangover? I've heard people speak to various ones, but never found one to actually work, personally.
3. Who rules Chicago: pedestrians or cars?

1) I've actually kinda written about this before.  In short, I vividly remember my dreams when I pass out hammered drunk.  But if I get a wonderful, sober night of sleep?  I'll barely remember a thing.  Makes no sense, but I'm convinced someone needs to do their thesis on this.

HYPOTHESIS: Sleeping when you're blacked out makes you remember all sorts of awesome details from your dreams.

I have to think this would be an award winning paper.

Maybe the difference between men/women remembering dreams comes down to the subject matter?  For guys, 99% of dreams are about sex, sports, or both if you're really having a kickass dream.  I couldn't even BEGIN to tell you what girls dream about.  My mind is racing with a whole lot of questionable jokes that I'm better off keeping trapped up there.  Girls, feel free to chime in on what YOU dream about, especially if it's me.  I AM QUITE DREAMY.

2) DING DING DING.  We found someone who's not reading my Hot Glove articles: A Comprehensive Guide On How To Not Be A Hungover Bitch.  To save you the trouble of clicking on it, I'll recap:
  • Slam water before passing out
  • Slam water right after you wake up
  • Take a shower so hot that you think it might actually be melting your skin
  • Eat something greasy (I included a pic of bacon pancakes, which sound amazing)
  • Listen to Sugar Ray
  • Start drinking again
Boom, no more hangovers.

3) It's definitely not cars.  In fact, I'd say Chicago is ruled by anyone NOT driving a car.  Pedestrians, bikers, zombies, any of them take precedence over cars.  It's ridiculous.  DID YOU KNOW that bikers technically and legally have to follow the rules of the road, just like cars?*  That means anytime you see a biker just cruise through a stop sign, they broke the law.  I recommend you call 911, since they'll be in pretty bad shape after you ran them over.  Bikers are the WORST.

*This is actually one of those facts that I love to spout off, but I have ZERO confirmation that it's actually real.  But it sounds good and makes me feel better about being so bitter towards bikers.


Is it me or are the official rules for McDonald's Monopoly longer than the Declaration of Independence?

I guess without scale it's tough to tell, but that's a legit full-sized poster on the wall.


Do people actually sign up for those stupid "" or conpiters or whatever websites? Seriously, WTF?

What's the craziest thing about middle America?
-they sign up for those things?
-they love 2.5 men
I want to study middle america more.
Hmmm, still not entirely sure if conpiters is a fucking awful attempt at typing 'computers', or something crazy I just don't know about.

With the stuff, it's Middle America and high school kids.  I'm friends with a fair number of high school kids on Facebook (I didn't buy this windowless van for nothin'), and they absolutely LOVE clicking on those free iWhatever scam links.  So stupid.  It's the modern day version of the Bill Gates email, where if you forward it on, you get like $600,000.  Middle America is just dumb enough to think, 'Man, I know it's probably not true... BUT WHAT IF IT IS?'  That little shred of doubt is enough to make people do stupid things.

And yes, they love 2.5 men.  But they also love SURVIVOR.  Nothing appeals to Middle America more than everything on CBS.  All of those CSI/NCIS/STFU shows have Middle America written all over them.  I wish there was a history class about Middle America.  Maybe sociology would be more accurate, actually.  But either way I'd be all over it.  There's just so much to learn about such a large demographic. 

Lincoln Park
Writing this from my hotel suite in Madison

(He was obviously quite worried about me getting his location correct.)

Did I hear Russell Wilson is engaged? Talk about a buzzkill for all the ladies hangin at The KK for beer and shot night. What a waste of athletic talent. Is there anyone that could get more ass than him on the Wisconsin campus?

Black Jesus would be cleaning up like no person ever has at UW.  If I were a student, I'd probably be out there trying to get his number as well.  He's that likable.  But it's the least surprising thing ever that he's already engaged.  This is just a guy who doesn't fuck around, knows what he wants, and will work hard enough to get there.  He doesn't go out, doesn't party, and doesn't get in trouble.  And he's really, really BLESSED.  IDK if you knew that.  Find me one person that doesn't like him.  Find me an example of someone criticizing him.  You won't.  The only remote possibility is his fallout from N.C. State, but after all that he still talks glowingly of his time there.  Their coach fucked up and will get his ass fired for showing Wilson the door.  You've all watched him for 5 games now: Can you imagine not letting this kid come back to your team?  He's AMAZING.  I love it.  I wanna send Tom O'Brien a million dollars and a case of whiskey.

Adam K:

Is there anything in this world more egregious than being the first car in a left turn lane and failing to go when the green arrow comes up?  That should be a capital offense right?  The worst part is they always just make it through on the yellow, I have to sit and wait for the next arrow, and I get a late start on hunting them down and running their car off the road.  That last part was more of a comment.

Not that this has happened to anyone who reads these, but I'd say the only thing worse is when you're first in line in a whited-out ricer and you start turning left only to smash into an oncoming car because you didn't actually have a green arrow.  That would definitely suck.  A lot.

But you have a point.  Turning left in busy intersections is a situation that DEMANDS courtesy and etiquette.  There's only a finite number of cars that can get through the green arrow/go on yellow if there is no arrow.  Therefore, if you're first, you have to be AGGRESSIVE.  I'm talking asshole Chicago cab driver aggressive.  Because no one wants to wait for the next set of lights.  Especially if you get caught trying to turn left at one of those atrocious 6 way intersections (screw you Fullerton/Lincoln/Halsted).

I'll be honest, I've tracked cars down before just to kinda size them up and give 'em a stink eye if they did something offensive to me.  But then I always remember that there are nutjobs like my uncle out there that always carry an aluminum baseball bat in their backseat just in case anyone gives them attitude.  I don't think getting my face bashed in with a Louisville Slugger (do they make aluminum bats?) is worth telling someone that they should use turn signals when they switch lanes.

WHY THE FUCK DON'T PEOPLE USE TURN SIGNALS WHEN THEY SWITCH LANES?  Turn signals would prevent 103% of all traffic accidents.  It's remarkable how simple and effective using them can be.  I'm guessing Cool Camel Joe (I think I'm mixing 6 different things together with that name) at some point told people that turn signals weren't cool, and if they didn't start smoking cigarettes no one would love them.  Ugh.

Danya S:

I noticed you didn't mention that bbq steak and fries is awesome at Ian's. Please remedy. Unless you have a problem with it, in which case, ... how could you?
Follow-Up: Any ideas for new flavors at Ian's Pizza? I'm thinking something with truffle oil (have you had that shit on pizza? Crisp on Brady in Milwaukee makes it AMAZING).

I don't necessarily have a problem with steak and fries, it's just that unless the pizza is fresh out of the oven (and I don't mean on the reheat, I mean fresh after the first cooking), it can get a little 'meh'.  I'm also not a huge BBQ sauce guy.  But every once in a while I'll be in Ian's and just be like, 'Ya know, I think tonight's a steak and fries kinda night!'  Plus, french fries reheat pretty poorly, even if you go toaster oven for all reheats like I do.

I don't know if it counts as a new flavor, but I recently realized that I can just tell them to add bacon to pretty much any slice I want.  So it's difficult to imagine myself ever eating another piece of Mac & Cheese WITHOUT adding bacon to it.  Ryan G. up above suggested putting pepperoni on a slice of M&C, and that's definitely on my list of slices to try.  Otherwise, maybe it's just me, but doesn't there seem to be a lack of pieces with onion on them?  I'm a big onion fan - I could totally dig some Mac & Cheese with bacon and caramelized onion.  Doesn't that sound awesome?  Yeah, yeah it does.

UPDATE: I tried Mac & Cheese with pepperoni - quite delicious.  Not at the same level as the M&C w/ bacon, but it's up there.  I also marveled at my COTM plaque on the wall for a good 15 minutes:

I'm their favorite pizza slut.  Highest compliment I've gotten since someone told me they stayed on the toilet to finish reading one of my THG posts.  Damn near cried when I heard that.


How much is a national championship worth to a fan?

I'm asking you to tackle this question from a completely literal sense: how much money do you think a Wisco fan would pay for a Badger national title? In this scenario, let's say that if you pay, Wisco 100% will win the title. If you don't pay, they 100% won't.

Something about this question just doesn't work for me.  Maybe it's knowing the fact that if we DO make it to the National Championship game (I just knocked on wood so hard my knuckles are bleeding), I'm gonna be dropping serious cash WITHOUT knowing the result of the game.  I mean, that's the true mark of a fan, right?  Willing to spend more money than you have just for the mere possibility of witnessing something that you'll take to your grave?  YOUR FUCKING GRAVE.*  So I'm not sure I can really answer the question the way you have it phrased.  Just know this: I am not a rich man.  But if we're playing in New Orleans in January, I'll be there.  I fully expect to pay out the ass for airfare, a hotel and a game ticket.  And I'm OK with that.  Because when something that special comes along, you don't fuck around cry about how much it costs.  You just do it.

*Herb Brooks was the man and I refuse to believe otherwise.

Adam W-O:

Let's say hypothetically Russell Wilson had a twitter account that was named @ShitBlackJesusSays. On this account, instead of the humble, team first guy that he currently is, he would be a cocky, drunken, s.o.b. that had no filter and said whatever came to mind. (Essentially we are combining the athletic ability of Russell Wilson with the personality of Matt Groth.) What kind of crazy shit would he say during games after scrambling for td's and sidestepping hicks like Jared Crick?

I'm always intrigued when I meet someone with a hyphenated name.

Oh, your question. This account already kinda exists: @RussellWilsonUW.  After hearing Black Jesus speak, it would just blow my mind to hear him talk shit at all.  The kid is the most humble, down to earth, blessed individual in sports history - at any level.  You simply CANNOT get him to say something inflammatory, controversial, selfish or negative.  So I know it kinda dodges the question, but I don't think this is possible.  I think you would literally have to hold a gun to his head to get him to talk trash, and even then, he might just pray and accept it.  I've said it before and I'll say it again: It's really sad that we only get to bask in his glory for one year.

Jesse A:

What ever happened to the fat black kid in Hook?  All I know is he had what it takes to make it in Hollywood, and he is the only lost boy who believed Robin Williams was actually Peter Pan. Also he managed to be fat as shit from eating imaginary food. Not bad for a brother from Neverland.

Oh motherfucker.  Pockets is 2 years older than me?  How old am I?  But good news!  Pockets (real name: Isaiah Robinson) lives in Chicago!  He goes to Columbia College and is studying theatre (always -re for theatre) or some crap like that.  Even BETTER news: He was in a movie, or a play, or some kind of production, in 2005:

Just put it on my Netflix queue.

PS - Great .gif or best .gif?

No joke, there's a wordpress blog called The Fat Kid From Hook: i think he is a good guy.  Can't make this stuff up.

PPS - I just said 'thudbutt' out loud and started laughing, had to look around to make sure no one was still here.

Thanks again for all the questions.  Indiana preview coming Thursday.  SPOILER: I think we're gonna win.  Until then...