Big Ten Championship - #12 Nebraska

This really feels like a championship season, doesn't it? LET'S RECAP:

• Brought DOB in to run the offense, he sucked, was replaced by a freshman who started looking good until he broke his shoulder, and now we have a 5th year senior with THREE ACL surgeries behind him taking snaps.
• Lost to Oregon State, who held Montee to 61 yards
• Fired our offensive line coach after that game
• Beat Utah State only because we had an 82 yard punt return for a touchdown and their kicker missed a 37 yard field goal at the end of the game. UTAH STATE
• Lost by 3 to Nebraska in a game where we brought a QB in cold off the bench to run the 2 minute drill. Perfectly logical.
• Lost in OT to MSU after giving up a late TD to tie it.
• Lost in OT to OSU in a game we dominated statistically.
• Lost in OT to Penn State

5 losses by a combined 19 points. And hang on, let's talk about that Penn State game for a hot minute. If you were paying close attention, you may have noticed the number '42' on PSU helmets and this guy on the sideline:

That's Penn State linebacker Michael Mauti. He recently injured his knee badly enough that he could not play against Wisconsin - Senior Day. I'll preface this by saying that it is quite sad for a kid to get hurt before his last collegiate game. I truly think it is. BUT GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK ESPN.

You're supposed to give an independent broadcast lacking any bias or favor, yet your entire production was centered around Mauti and how brave and strong everything Penn State is. He hurt his knee. It sucks. But last I checked, HE DIDN'T DIE. This isn't a fucking Disney movie. Gerry Bertier getting smoked by a drunk driver in Remember the Titans is a MILLION times sadder and that's a goddamn MOVIE.

Do you know why teams put initials and numbers on their jerseys/gloves/bats/helmets? To honor people that have passed away. Former owners. Legendary players. Humanitarians. NOT for guys with busted knees. I wonder what's going through Curt Phillips' head seeing people fawning over Mauti and his busted knee when Phillips himself has had THREE freaking ACL surgeries.

I doubt I'd be this worked up over it if ESPN didn't cut to him jumping up and down on the sidelines (I'll spare you the 'he doesn't look very hurt...' observation... OR WILL I?) in his jeans after EVERY FUCKING PLAY. Combine that with the shots of brave Penn State fans standing up to adversity (VOM.COM/KILLME.jpg) and our sad, predictable demise, and you get one of the worst 3 hour broadcasts in ESPN history.

PS - Not going for two for the second consecutive week to prevent an overtime where you just KNEW we were gonna lose is beyond frustrating. Our ticket to Indy has been punched for weeks, GO FOR THE KILL BIELEMA.

PPS - The sooner this abomination of a football season is over, the better off we'll all be.

CHICAGO BADGERS: WILLSonWILLSonWILLS if you're not going to Indy. I'm not doing Indy. I don't wanna talk about it.

SHAMELESS PLUG: Last chance to donate to my Movember cause. Think of the countless hours I put into these just for YOUR enjoyment. To those of you who have donated, I thank you. I like you more than everyone else.

PS - Can't wait for 12/1, mustaches are terrible, and mine is such a pathetic attempt at one that I've brought shame and dishonor to my family's name.

WHO/WHERE/WHEN

TV: FOX

WEATHER: INDY IS A TROPICAL PARADISE AND THIS GAME IS INDOORS, YOU PROBABLY DON'T EVEN NEED CLOTHES

THERE IS MUCH MORE TO NEBRASKA THAN MEETS THE EYE

How long would it take to get used to having just one eye? I covered my left eye just now and I'm pretty sure I'd walk into a bus or fall down a flight of stairs in about 30 seconds if I lost an eye. Things I never want getting fucked up:

1. Eyes
2. Crotchal region
3. Spleen
4. Orbital bone
5. Back

I've never heard anything positive about spleens. If you're talking about your spleen, there's a good chance that you're in a whole world of hurt and I don't wanna play that game anytime soon. Or ever. And orbital bones. Fracturing my orbital bone makes me want to wear a helmet everywhere I go. There's no way that's a fun injury.

@ Penn State

This is where I tell you that this is gonna be an abridged version due to Thanksgiving and all the other chaos associated with this week, but I'll probably still get carried away. Oh well.

WHO/WHERE/WHEN

TV: ABC

WEATHER: 35, CLOUDY, WINDY, GOOD THING THE BIG TEN IS ALL ABOUT THE EAST COAST RIGHT NOW

Ohio State

WHAT WE LEARNED LAST WEEK

• Indiana, despite being a game away from making the B1G Championship, is still Indiana
• Wisconsin, despite struggling to find a consistent offensive rhythm this year, is still Wisconsin
• Curt Phillips is still a mystery, but at least he didn't tear another ACL
• You shouldn't keep important players in when the game is decided and your schedule is tough the rest of season. NEED HEALTHY BORLAND

That's pretty much it. Don't get me wrong, I love beating teams a million to seven, but the games tend to get a little boring. And we still have no idea what we have in Phillips. This woulda been a great opportunity to let him throw 15-20 passes to see where his arm strength is at and how he's going through his progressions... but according to Bielema, the score didn't really dictate doing anything other than running.

So that's where we're at. Our ticket is punched for Indy, but before we get there we have some business to tend to. Namely, Urban Meyer and big bad OSU come to Camp Randall for a game that simultaneously means nothing and everything. Well maybe 'everything' is a slight exaggeration. Regardless, the road to Indy will almost certainly go through Columbus in the near future, and it'd be really nice for Bielema to start off 1-0 against Urban. DO IT.

CHICAGO BADGERS: If you're not going to Madison this weekend then I don't even want to talk to you.

SHAMELESS PLUG: Hey! It's my Movember page! We should all totally donate some money to a good cause and maybe Brandon will include a pic of his devious mustache attempt in next week's Preview!

#BeatOSU

WHO/WHERE/WHEN

TV: ABC

WEATHER: 40'S, GUESS WHAT, A 2:30 START IN NOVEMBER MEANS CAMP RANDALL #SKYPORN POTENTIAL IS AT THREAT LEVEL MIDNIGHT, AKA PANORAMA CITY

@ Indiana

Why do I keep hearing that Indiana controls their own destiny to make the Rose Bowl? Don't we control their destiny? Last time I checked, losing to Indiana in football is-

Hold on. Scratch all of that. News just broke that Curt Phillips will be starting at quarterback for Wisconsin this weekend. Here's your up-to-the-minute primer on Curt Phillips:

• Recruited as a mobile, running QB
• Has had THREE ACL surgeries
• As a result, is not as mobile or as good of a runner as he used to be
• Is not Danny O'Brien

That is literally everything you've ever need to know about him. I find it very difficult to believe that he'll be moving well enough to make up for average at best arm strength and a complete lack of game experience. But then again... he's not DOB. And DOB has looked miserable in just about every game he's played in this year. I'm well aware that the offensive line hasn't done him any favors, but when they break down for Stave, he takes a 2 yard sack. When they break down for DOB, he loses 30 yards. You can't have plays like that and expect to win, let alone keep your job.

And with that, enter: Curt Phillips. I should point out that I sincerely admire that he's battled back from 3 ACL injuries. That's incredibly impressive, and at the very least any questions about his work ethic or desire to play should be answered. But I have a hard time envisioning this team doing anything on the offensive side of the ball if we can't push around the other team's front 7. Can we do that against IU? Jesus Christ I hope so. But with OSU and PSU looming (and a potential B1G Championship Game), a 1-3 finish to the season sounds about right. Depression level: MAXIMUM.

CHICAGO BADGERS: 11 am game. Come up with your list of excuses now, send them to me, and I'll promptly respond with reasons you're wrong. Get up, drink and enjoy the day. If you haven't noticed, the gamedays are disappearing RAPIDLY. We've hit basketball season, and that means time is running out on football. SAVOR THE FLAVOR

SHAMELESS PLUG: Once again, I'm gonna ask to please consider tossing a few bucks to my Movember efforts. I'd love to have a little more there before I try shaking down my company. You can make this a tax write-off, whatever an actual write-off even is. Any amount helps. Thanks.

Onward... to a football game involving Indiana with huge implications for both teams. Never thought that would be possible in our lifetimes. Seriously. Before this season I woulda put a lot of money on the US electing a lesbian president before Indiana sniffing the B1G Championship Game. I am a terrible gambler.

WHO/WHERE/WHEN

TV: ABC OR THE ESPNS, I HAVE NO IDEA WHY, THIS GAME SHOULDA BEEN SCHEDULED FOR FX YEARS AGO

WEATHER: 60'S AND SOME SUN, WHY DOES INDIANA ALWAYS SEEM LIKE A TROPICAL PARADISE COMPARED TO MADISON/MILWAUKEE/CHICAGO? I FEEL LIKE IT'S 20 MILES AWAY, SHOULDN'T WE HAVE THE SAME CLIMATE?

Bye Week Mailbag Part 2!

Before getting into Part 2, a quick word: I've decided to participate in Movember, which means I will be growing a ridiculous attempt at a mustache to raise money for a very, very good cause. It is also my birthday this month. I'd like to COMBINE those two, so I'm asking anyone who's willing to donate to my Movember fund. This gets you completely off the hook for getting me a birthday present, which is a good thing for you since the only thing on my bday list is this. Give however much you want, do it anonymously if that helps (BUT NO FAUX ANONYMITY), but I'd really appreciate it if you could help me out. I promise to share pics of whatever monstrosity grows out of this experience. Here is a link to my page, where you can see my mom has already jumped on the 'donate instead of getting him a birthday present' bandwagon.

Many thanks in advance. And now back to your questions.

Matt G:

Thinking of Homeland..........If you had to join one branch branch of military/government service what would it be and why? I think Director of CIA would be awesome.

Well yeah, in theory being the Director of the CIA would be pretty badass. But you also have to make some decisions that will result in people dying - whether they're your people or dirty terrorists. That's a lot of pressure.

And hang on. This only works if you have to pick a branch and then work your way up. You can't say army and proclaim yourself Secretary of Defense. If you could pick whatever title you wanted, it wouldn't really matter which branch you were in since you'd be so high up and far removed from the rigors of military service. So no, you can't just be CIA Director. Now that we're clear, let's go branch by (Michelle) branch:

ARMY

I'm gonna pass on the Army. The entry level position for the Army essentially entails being a pawn in a giant chess match of war. That means you're either gonna die, or battle forever and try and make it to the end so you get a bump, like when you get to bring your queen back from the dead in real chess. I don't like those odds, and I don't wanna get shot in the ass in Afghanistan even IF that would give me a lifetime supply of Lieutenant Dan impressions.

NAVY

Yeah, right. Nothing against the Navy since the only person I really know who went into the armed services went the seaman route, but I suck at water. I don't think I'm claustrophobic, but the idea of being in a sub a thousand miles under the sea doesn't tickle my fancy. PASS

MARINES

Do they count as like a sub section of the Army? Let's just say that if I'm too soft for the Army, joining the Marines is borderline insane.

AIR FORCE

FUCK YEAH TOP GUN I COULD BE LIKE TOM CRUISE. And then reality hits like the force of ejecting your skull into your cockpit windshield and you quickly realize that maybe you don't wanna have a job where one of the occupational hazards is being sucked into a jet engine.

Bye Week Mailbag Part 1!

Sid K:

What are our chances with Danny O'Brien at QB?

Well they're certainly not good. Look, I don't wanna write DOB off just yet - there's no fun in that, and I simply do not believe he is this bad. So I'm going to give him ONE more game before I make up my mind. I think with 2 weeks to prepare for Indiana, Canada can come up with a gameplan that's tailored to DOB's strengths and weaknesses. It was pretty damn obvious that they weren't really sure what to do with him when he came in for Stave last week. And it certainly didn't help that the offensive line looked miserable - DOB had people in his face a half second after every snap. But I'll promise you this: If he can't hold on to the ball or avoid terrible sacks, we're going to see Curt Phillips at some point before the year is over. And once that happens, you can officially transition into hoops mode.

Wait, that doesn't really answer your question. Ceiling? Losing in the B1G Championship Game. Floor? Have we locked up bowl eligibility yet? Can't believe I just had to type that question.

Ajit I:

Should I participate in No-Shave November?

HELL YES

Here's my rule of thumb (QUESTIONABLY SEXIST) for Movember: If you CAN grow a mustache, you are morally and legally OBLIGATED to grow a mustache. It's that simple. For 85% of the guys and 99% of the women in the world, mustaches look ridiculous. We left them in the 70's for multiple reasons. But in Movember you don't look like a fool... you look like a handsome bro raising money for a good cause. Anyone who gives you shit about how you look is most definitely PRO-CANCER. I would absolutely be participating if I could actually grow a mustache. All I get is this barely noticeable smattering of white/blond/copper/red/brown hair that looks more like something you could wipe off with a towel than actual 'stache. Although, I've never let it grow out for more than a week or so... maybe it's time to find out what kinda 'stache man I am. ON THE FENCE.