Thursday, February 27, 2014

at Penn State and Purdue

We're going to start today with something that has absolutely nothing to do with Badger basketball. Instead, I want everyone to read this Facebook post of a woman eviscerating her boyfriend after she found out he was cheating on her:
Dirty laundry time! I don't usually share drama on social media, but I need to bring this to the world's attention. I know you've seen a lot of activity from me lately flaunting my adorable relationship with the boyfriend, Jason Stonebraker. While these things truly happened, I was not honest with you about my true feelings. These posts were part of a plan to end my relationship. Let me tell you why. 
I recently found out my wonderful, committed boyfriend (with whom I currently live) has been cheating on me with at least five women. They range in age and appearance and are, I'm sure, just the tip of the iceberg. I'll choose to take the high road here and not divulge their names. It all started when I stumbled upon his phone and found some very incriminating texts and pictures. For the record, I am no snooper. It's just not my style. I was only curious, just wondering what he'd been up to. I have nothing to hide and assumed he didn't either. 
But sure enough, I struck infidelity gold and discovered what a twisted psychopath he really is. 
The fun part of the story is that when he left for work this morning, I kissed him goodbye and asked what he'd like for dinner tonight. Tonight when he gets home, however, he will find an empty apartment and this letter: 
February 24, 2014 
To Coach Jason (Stoney) Stonebraker: 
YOU ARE A FOOL. You're a liar, a cheater, and a borderline pedophile. You disgust me. You've used me and taken me for granted far too long. I will not waste one more precious minute with your sorry self. 
You call me crazy—the lamest, most overused derogatory insult for a woman. (I know you struggle with big words, so derogatory=bad.) I'll admit, I was crazy. Crazy for lowering my standards for you. Crazy for believing you had potential. Crazy for making excuses for your faults and overlooking your downfalls. Crazy for believing you when you told me you loved me and wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. Crazy for wasting 2 1/2 years on you. Crazy to move from Nashville to Bowling Green to be with you. Like I always say, "Behind every crazy woman is a man who made her that way."
I couldn't care less what you think of me. Lions do not lose sleep over opinions of sheep. 
To reiterate (that means "go over it again"): I am light years out of your league. I am smarter than you, more successful than you, and kinder than you deserve. I DESERVE BETTER THAN YOU. And everyone knows it. I see the look in your friends' eyes. The look that says "why are YOU with HIM?" None of my friends or family can stand you and have eagerly encouraged me to leave you for years. I should have listened sooner. 
About the apartment: I terminated the lease weeks ago. (Yes, WEEKS.) It's up March 31st. You have two options: 1) pay March rent or 2) GTFO. We both know you're broke with barely an income, so I assume you'll move back in with mommy and daddy—if they let you. Remember how happy they were when I moved to Bowling Green a year ago and you FINALLY moved out of their house? LOL 
You're a broke, 30 year old manwhore who lives with his parents. And it's likely you'll be without a job very soon. So lame. 
I feel as though an elephant has been lifted from my shoulders—or should I say a yeti? I've supported you, I've paid for EVERYTHING, I've cooked, cleaned, and done your laundry. I gave you my entire heart and everything I have but still this wasn't enough for you. You've wanted for nothing, yet you still felt the need for attention from other women? You just needed your ego stroked—among other things. Because that's the kind of person you are. You are a twisted psychopath and a master manipulator of women. You flaunt a bravado to cover up your wild insecurities. You are the most pretentious egomaniac I've ever met. (All those big words mean "you talk a big game but you ain't shit.") 
In conclusion, I am elated to be done with you. Thank you for giving me an easy out. I've struggled with wanting to leave you for months but my big heart didn't want to hurt YOU or leave you stranded without a place to live. (Really, where are you going to go?) In light of your multiple infidelities, I have found clarity and peace. I may mourn the loss of a relationship, but I will never mourn you. I cannot wait to get you out my life. I'd rather live in a polar vortex for a hundred years than spend one more day with you. 
I will go on to be the amazing, independent woman that I am: charming, successful, kind, clever, witty, faithful, talented, and wicked list of attributes is a mile long. 
And you're the fool that let me go. 
Bless your stupid, stupid heart. 
P.S. Although I'm sure there've been countless others, your epic douchery has come to my attention only in the past few weeks. Everything I've done since then has been a calculated step in my overall strategy to leave you. Nothing I've done has been without purpose. Holding my tongue and acting as if everything was normal: the purpose was to blindside you. AND IT WORKED. The whole twitter ordeal and tagging you on social media: the purpose was to call attention to myself and let the other women know you had a live-in CURRENT girlfriend so they could also see what a dog you are. AND IT WORKED. Packing my belongings bit by bit "to sell in a yard sale": the purpose was to make it easier on me moving day. AND IT WORKED. Telling you I'm working from home today: the purpose was so I could pack in peace whilst you were at school. AND IT WORKED. 
Not only do you take me for granted, but you also overwhelmingly underestimate me. 
Hell hath no fury as that of a woman scorned, Jason. 
I have already moved on from you. And it was easy. 
So the moral of this story is, a man should never underestimate a woman with bigger balls.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

at #15 Iowa and Indiana

  • You're playing with house money the rest of the day. It's hard to emphasize how big this is. Lose the game, and you don't just lose a sporting event - you lose all the enthusiasm and happiness you had before the game. I'm really only talking about weekend games, because nothing is worse than having a big game early on a Saturday or Sunday, being all excited, and then losing the game like a bunch of idiots. That sucks and significantly affects the feel for the rest of the weekend. But if you win? OH YEAH LET'S GET DRUNK FOREVER
  • Social Media is one giant, collective orgasm. Checking Twitter and/or Facebook after a big Badger win is a circlejerk of happiness. Hashtags everywhere. Quick shots at fans of the losing team. GIFs. I'm throwing likes and favs out like they're candy in late October. YOU get a like, and YOU get a retweet, and YOU get a +1 just kidding no one fucking uses Google+.
  • Tears... TEARS EVERYWHERE. I would love to get in the head of a cameraman who is hunting for that dejected loser fan to show on CBS. That must be the best part of the job: 'Yeah, Bob, go ahead and try to get us a nice close-up of one of those Michigan losers accepting defeat and wondering where it all went wrong. Oh, you got one? Okay, we're going live on camera 6'

Bob gets a raise for this one.

  • When you're on the road, nothing is as satisfying as seeing the stadium empty before the game is even over. Where you goin'? FUCKIN' NOWHERE:

  • Last I checked, you gotta win games to win championships. And don't look now, but UW is creeping up the standings. With MSU's loss to Nebraska (WTF), the Badgers are 2 games back with 5 to play. Remarkable considering how many people were writing this team off and convinced that the 16-0 start was a fluke. If they want a piece of the title, they're probably gonna have to win out. And that starts Saturday against fugly Iowa.

Will this team win out? Probably not. Winning Saturday will be very difficult, and you wouldn't be a fool to think that we'll drop one of the last four (IU/@PSU/Purdue/@Nebraska). But after that dreary stretch in January, we're still looking good and still poised for a good seed in the NCAA tournament.

I still maintain that this team will make some noise in March. Too many shooters, impact freshmen, a lockdown defender, a big man that can stretch the floor and score on the block... it's all there. Brust is getting his one cold streak out of the way, the team went through their bad stretch of defense, and they're going to be rounding nicely into form right when it matters most. VĂ¡monos.





Thursday, February 13, 2014

at #15 Michigan

Real big week. It started Sunday with UW holding on for a victory over Izzo. What did we learn in that game?
  1. Traevon Jackson has giant marbles, which are often necessitated by the boneheaded play during the previous 39 minutes.
  2. Adreian Payne spells his name very poorly but plays basketball very well. He will be playing on Sundays. I believe that idiom should work for all sports.
  3. Nigel Hayes is the most unguardable player in basketball history to average less than 8 points a game.
  4. Josh Gasser knows a thing or two about playing defense. If you don't believe me, I'm sure Gary Harris would like to never discuss this, ever.
  5. This team is far from dead.
Can't say I didn't warn you. Peaks and valleys, man. First there was the peak, then there was the valley, and now we begin the ascent back up to the peak. It's really weird - almost like this Bo Ryan guy knows a thing or two about coaching basketball.

The week kept on trucking from there, bringing us to one of my favorite events: the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show (#WKCDS). Stray observations:
  • That was a scorching hot pun.
  • I don't like terriers. I think 99% of the time they're ugly, and most of them look like they have terrible facial hair:
This is an ugly dog
  • I've said it before and I'll say it again: Pekes are not dogs. They are some kind of bizarre Furby alien creature pretending to be a dog. If someone in Men in Black had a dog like this, it would open up to reveal a tiny alien wielding the controls that looked exactly the same as the dog itself:
  • If there EVER was a year for the bloodhound to go home a winner, it was this year. Nathan was immaculate, and the crowd went as fucking nuts as a dog show crowd can go every single time he moved:
  • Of course, in the end none of this even mattered. The fuck if I know how this abomination of an animal was the runner-up:
  • And here's your winner, modest in victory, living proof that 'no means no' doesn't translate in dog:

With those results, I found myself wondering how? How could this have happened?

There's your answer: get a judge with a lazy eye and let her make the call. Notice that she went real heavy on the eye makeup, because distractions are always an effective technique:

Yeah that's probably mean to make fun of a woman with a lazy eye, but it's a lot meaner to crush the hearts of millions of people around the world by giving that weird-looking terrier Nathan's glory.

Fucking garbage.

PS - Speaking of dogs, one Olympian found all the puppies in Sochi and now it's official that we made a big mistake making fun of Russia because in Russia puppies roam the streets:


Thursday, February 6, 2014

#9 Michigan State & Minnesota

There isn't much that needs to be said about this team right now. Instead, here's your guide to the Winter Olympics. Ranking the events, REVERSE ORDER:

16. Cross Country Skiing. BO-RING. Any event that my dad does as a recreational exercise is not a sport I really care about. You gotta be in ridiculous shape to be good at it, but any time you strap skis on and spend more time hoofing it uphill than flying downhill, you're really taking a curious path in life. 

15. Stray dog MURDER. Goddamnit Russia. I'm over here in First World America desperate for a dog and you're sitting on a dog GOLD MINE. And your solution is to hire some kind of animal MERCENARIES to murder all the hounds? DO NOT LIKE.

For real, that the Olympics are being held somewhere that has a stray dog problem should be our first red flag. Forget the crippling infrastructure issues and Big Brother-y spy conditions - only the poorest, most busted places on this planet have stray dog populations big enough to notice. You know what places have big stray dog populations? India. Philippines. Romania. Serbia. Taiwan. Thailand. Russia. Puerto Rico. That's a veritable who's who of places that should never host an expensive, important, worldwide celebration of competition.

PS - Cross country skiing is still worse.

14. Nordic Combined. Cross country skiing with a dash of ski jumping. A big moment as we've reached the first event that I will only watch if it's 3 in the morning and it's on MSNBC and there's literally nothing else on and I'm wondering where the fuck the late night curling is.

13. Luge. The skeletors look at these guys and think they're pussies. The bobsledders ask them about the cool movie about the Jamaican luge team. Ipso facto, no one cares about the luge unless it's made of ice and funneling alcohol into your gullet.

12. Freestyle Skiing. So cool in theory, so X Games in practice. I'll never be able to tell who's doing something cooler than the previous person. Pass.

11. Speed Skating. If you took the upper body of a swimmer and the lower body of a speed skater, you would literally have the biggest monster the world has ever seen. POWER:

That tan line is OUTRAGEOUS.

10. Snowboard. Bonus points for having a more dangerous course than the K-13:
''It looks pretty sketchy, the rails are sticky,'' Roope Tonteri, the 2013 world champion in men's slopestyle, was quoted as saying. ''I think they wanted to make big kickers, and it's not really good for riders, and it's not really safe. I just don't want to get injured. It's not a really fun course to ride.'' 
Sebastien Toutant of Canada told the Olympic News Service, ''It's like jumping out of a building.'' 
Seamus O'Connor, a U.S.-born 16-year-old rider who is competing for Ireland in the snowboard halfpipe and slopestyle, told the Irish media that the course was ''pretty dangerous'' and urged the athletes to seek changes. 
''They overbuilt the jumps because they were anticipating that the snow would melt. At the moment, the riders are not happy,'' O'Connor was quoted as saying. 
"With the practice runs I have taken, even after course modifications and watching fellow athletes get hurt, the potential risk of injury is a bit too much for me to gamble my other Olympics goals on," White said. 

If that crazy motherfucker Shaun White is too scared, then I think we've officially reached must-watch status for this event. Not that I'm cheering for insane crashes and terrifying injuries, but DANGER IS FASCINATING.

9. Bobsled. Obligatory:

I will NEVER understand what that anonymous European asshole was thinking talking shit to the Jamaicans in a bar. It's not like they were gonna challenge him to a bobsled race to settle the debate. Yul Brenner was a bad, bad man. Last guy in the bar I'm fucking with.

8. Ski Jumping. It's gonna be pretty sweet when NBC starts rolling out all the GoPro footage of practice jumps. That will be the moment that I confirm that this 4th grade girl is tougher than I am:

7. Biathlon. Let's assume first came cross country skiing, then came Nordic Combined, and then came the biathlon. Cross country skiing is boring as fuck, so they tried to fix it by letting them do some ski jumping. But that didn't quite work, so they decided to let them shoot some guns instead. HD is also great for this event because you can really see all the drool and spit flying off these nutjobs' faces as they're gasping for air.

6. Alpine Skiing. All about that GIANT jump at the end of the course. No idea if that's required in every alpine course (it should be), but I could watch these people fly through the air all day:

UPDATE: Not only did Russia have the giant jump at the end of their downhill course, but it was a MURDER JUMP! When world-class professional skiers are terrified, you know it must be an INSANE course. The men were hitting 90 MPH seconds into their runs, and half of them couldn't even finish the course. One woman hurt both her knees. Fun for the whole family! #RUSSIA

5. Curling. CAN'T WAIT:

4. Short Track Speed Skating. How to win a gold medal as an Australian at the Winter Olympics:

3. Skeleton. Yeah let's go face first on a little sled down an icy course at 85 MPH. Because that's not the scariest thing in the world. At least the helmets are cool:


2. Figure Skating. Gymnastics of the winter. And just like gymnastics, the women are much, MUCH more fun to watch. Plus, there's a sneaky amount of drama in figure skating. One year we get the Nancy Kerrigan/Tonya Harding mess; another year we get the crooked French judge hosing the Canadians. What's in store this year? I vote for a stray Sochi dog interrupting a performance and then adorably licking the tears off a distraught Russian girl's face after she blows her triple Lutz-double Salchow combo. The strays will play a role in these games, I PROMISE YOU.

UPDATE: It's already happening:

Oh, that's so cute! Mongrel is getting ready for the big cross country skiing event!

And then Putin showed up, clapped his hands twice, and the dog MERCENARIES arrived because #RUSSIA.

PS - Mongrel is lucky he decided to poke his head around a boring cross country event and not the biathlon.

1. Ice Hockey. USA. Canada. REVENGE. The only thing that sucks is that these games will be at like 6 am America time. No way you can avoid the score all day and watch after work. This might just be my selfish American attitude talking, but I really think they should play these games at 5 am Sochi time. Hockey players are used to getting up really early; they won't mind.