Thursday, December 26, 2013

Capital One Bowl vs. #9 South Carolina

Absolutely brutal stretch here. The football team's been off for weeks following that Penn State debacle, and the hoops team is mired in the middle of a two week break. I AM NOT ENTERTAINED.

But things are looking up. The basketball squad is back in action Saturday (and here in Chicago Thursday), and we close the first chapter of the Gary Andersen era on Wednesday in Orlando. I know, I know, I say this every year: Where the hell did this season go? I swear we were getting hosed against ASU, like, a week ago. Now it's almost 2014, there's one game left on the calendar, it's -5 degrees out every day, and Saturdays lose all of their gameday flavor. SO SAD.

I guess it's not all doom and gloom, however. With a win against South Carolina, Coach Andersen will wrap up his maiden Badger voyage with a 10-win season and a resume-building victory over an SEC opponent. Could this team have flown higher? Of course. But ending on a high note in Orlando will give the program some real momentum as GA continues to make this program his.

Plus the basketball team is kind of amazing. But we'll focus on them in a few weeks. For now, let's talk South Carolina.


1) Take off work on 1/2.
2) Go to Will's for the game; don't worry about being miserable at work the next day.
3) Go to Evanston Thursday night to watch your undefeated hot-ass basketball team thump the nerds.
4) Go to Buff Joe's after the game for incredible wings.
5) By now you're just playing with house money. Congrats.

OH LOOK, A QUICK PLUG FOR MY DAD'S BLOG: He has a new post up on vulnerability. Everyone could learn a few things reading it. Check it out.

I HAVE TO LINK TO HIS BLOG OR HE'LL KICK ME OFF THE FAMILY PLAN: I'm staying on that family plan until I DIE.

BECAUSE I KEEP GETTING ASKED: I'll switch over to basketball in two weeks. So I will continue assaulting your inbox right up until Game of Thrones returns. At this point, I'm pretty sure Spring has been replaced by Game of Thrones Season. Winter, Game of Thrones, Summer, Fall, repeat.


Because truthfully, I know next-to-nothing about the school. Or the state. It's all a giant mystery to me.


Back in 8th grade, my school did your standard Washington D.C. trip. We grabbed a meal in the food court of some mall and had some time to kill before heading out, so we did a little unnecessary shopping. Next thing I know, I'm the proud owner of a South Carolina hat. Why did I buy a South Carolina hat?

Oh IDK probably because I was 13 years old and kind of a moron? My genius plan was to throw it on for our class picture and then laugh for eternity because COCKS. Right when the photographer was about to take the picture he stopped, looked up, and yelled, 'Hey kid in the cocks hat, turn it around NOW'.

The COCKS hat did not make the 2000 Bayside Middle School 8th Grade Washington D.C. picture.


Can I point out that I'm 28 years old and now laughing at the fact that their mascot's official name is Cocky? Plus, the detailed stories behind these mascots always crack me up:

The current version of Cocky made his debut at the Homecoming game of 1980. He was portrayed as the son of Big Spur, a large barn yard rooster that had been attending games since 1978 as a mascot of the university. Big Spur had been introduced as a fraternity pledge class project headed by student Chuck Eaton. Eaton served as the mascot from 1978 until 1980 when the role was taken over by USC student John Routh. Big Spur was seen as too large and unwieldy. Therefore, Cocky, Big Spur's "son", was brought in to replace Big Spur. At the introduction of Cocky, he was originally booed off the field by students and fans who thought he was not "dignified enough".

I'm DYING to know what Big Spur was doing that he was deemed too 'unwieldy'. And color me COMPLETELY surprised that a giant, cartoon version of a fighting rooster was not very dignified. Based on my extensive experience with cockfights, dignity is a requirement:

PS - More Cocky:

The original Cocky was John Routh, 1980-1982, who later became Billy the Marlin for the Florida Marlins. Charlie Fitzsimmons followed in 1983-1985. Tommy Donavan portrayed Cocky in the early 90's and later became the Carolina Panthers mascot, Sir Purr. Ironically, Routh and Donovan appeared together in 1991 at the Japan Bowl in Tokyo, an all-star football game...Donovan as Cocky, and Routh as The Miami Maniac, the mascot of University of Miami baseball. Jamie Ballentine is perhaps the longest-serving Cocky at four years from 2002-2006, during which he won Capitol One's Mascot Bowl.

Are some people... mascot lifers? What are the most desirable mascot jobs in America? Did I laugh at the line, 'longest-serving Cocky'? So many questions, and only one thing to do: MASCOT PERFORMANCE POWER RANKINGS

1) The Raptor skates and derps into infamy. We've all seen this before. This is the PEAK of mascot performance art:

2) Swoop, AKA Polly, learns the hard way that if you come at the Pet Detective King, you best not miss. IDIOT!

3) The Oregon Duck humps Shasta The Cougar's face. Easily the best part of these videos is that no one really knows when it crosses the line from 'Oh look at the cute mascots playing together!' to 'Wait I think Sparty just shanked Brutus, call an ambulance'. Look at that woman trying to separate them - she's smiling the whole time! IS SHE IN ON THE ACT?

4) Some Sort of Mutant Chicken vs. A Devious Stegosaurus/Barney The Dinosaur Combo. We're reaching the point where if one mascot pulled out a gun and shot another mascot, I would probably still be on the fence about laughing or showing genuine concern. It's not my fault they keep that same, stupid-happy look on their face.

5) The Goofy Elephant covering his eyes in The Sweetest Thing. GUILTY PLEASURE ALERT: Probably my favorite chick flick. And this is hands-down the best scene in the movie. Something about that giant elephant covering his eyes, as if that will actually keep him hidden, gets me real good. BTW, kinda NSFW. CLICK IF YOU DARE

PPS - Not really sure why I like this movie so much:

Oh wait I remember, Smokeshow City.

PPPS - 1) Selma Blair, 2) Christina Applegate, 3) Cameron Diaz, 4) I don't care if you disagree.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Pre-Capital One Bowl Mailbag!

Mark S:

Who would win in a fight: a hippo or a rhino?  To answer everyone's first question, the fight would definitely take place near the water. This would eliminate the advantage a hippo has in water and a rhino on land. Discuss in detail. Bonus points if you find a definitive video - I have been unsuccessful.

Pre-research, I'm going with a hippo 11 times out of 10. Hippos are TERRIFYING. They kill more humans every year than guns and drugs COMBINED*. They're nimble in the water and on the land. If you see a bloat of hippos coming your way, you do what we do: Run. Run your ass off.

Rhinos, on the other hand, just seem like out of shape, ugly unicorns. Like if a unicorn went on a bender doing nothing but drinking and eating  and hard drugs for months, it would look exactly like a rhino. I'm not scared of some junkhead unicorn.

HOWEVER, I have dug a little deeper and done some homework. I scoured for videos. I perused Yahoo! Answers. I surveyed Twitter.

These are my findings.

Sometimes, rhinos are just straight-up scared of hippos. If a hippo steps to a rhino, that rhino is going to run away with its ugly unicorn-reject tail between its legs:

And that was on LAND.

In a stare-down, #TeamHippo wins again.

This one's simple, though. Rhino-eye:


Rule #1 of any stare-down: the spookier eye always wins. Evil-eye beats crook-eye, crook-eye beats stink-eye, and hippo-eye beats rhino-eye. Plus, hippo-eye has a hint of gator-eye, and everyone knows that you don't fuck with gator-eye.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Penn State

A short one this week, since it’s the time for eating and drinking and most definitely not blogging.

It’s also time for Minnesota to grow the fuck up. Did you see what happened after we beat them for the 10th consecutive time on Saturday?

Give me a freaking break. For as long as I can remember, the winning team always goes around the stadium on a victory lap with the axe. And during that victory lap, there are two stops made: GOALPOST CHOPPING STOPS. This is part of the tradition. This is what the players, and especially the seniors, look forward to after winning their big rivalry game. They’re gonna take that giant axe and DESTROY both goalposts. It doesn’t matter where the game was played or who won – the fact remains that those goalposts are getting lumberjacked.

But apparently Jerry Kill and his pathetic Minnesota team had other ideas. From what I’ve gathered, Kill’s defense of his team confronting the UW players is that they were interrupting Minnesota’s alma mater. Sure. Okay. Last I checked, the team held up at midfield to let the Gophers wallow in their musical misery. Are the victors supposed to wait around for an hour while the home team slowly gets out of the way? Absolutely ridiculous. Absolutely Minnesota.

PS – Don’t want us celebrating in your grillpiece on your home field? Try winning the game once every decade.

PPS – Did you hear the Badger say ‘We'll send you a Snapchat of it!’ to the Minnesota players? That is the most perfect burn I can think of in that situation. I’d KILL to find out if that actually happened. I like to think that it did:

CHICAGO BADGERS: Enjoy your Thanksgiving break.

LAST CALL FOR MOVEMBER DONATIONS: Here’s the link to my page. Mustache goes into hibernation for the next year very shortly. Do you want to sit idly by as prostate cancer terrorizes the male population?



Thursday, November 21, 2013

at #25 Minnesota


  • Do you remember that insane tsunami that hit Indonesia? That happened a month after Minnesota last touched that beautiful, glorious axe.
  • George W. Bush won an election. As in, after Minnesota gave up the axe, people went out and voted for George W. Bush enough to re-elect him President of the United States of America.
  • Oh my fucking god, DID YOU KNOW YouTube wasn't even invented yet? The last time Minnesota beat Wisconsin in football, you couldn't pop over to YouTube and watch awesome, hilarious videos. LIKE THIS ONE:
  • Twitter was launched, which means that on that dark day years ago when Minnesota bested Bucky, not a single Gopher could tweet a pic of themselves holding the axe. NO #AXESELFIES FOR YOU
  • Okay, so there was no YouTube or Twitter, and now I'm starting to wonder if we even had internet the last time we lost to them. Was the most recent Minnesota victory announced to the world via telegram?
Honestly, this started out as a pretty fun exercise going through the Wikipedia pages for every year, but it gets pretty dark pretty quickly. Every week there's a freaking car bombing or plane crash or natural disaster.

Instead let's consider that the last time we lost to Minnesota in football, Melvin Gordon was 12 years old. Miley Cyrus wasn't even Hannah Montana yet. THE WORLD WAS A DIFFERENT PLACE.

So there's more than just the axe on the line this week. Let's chop some Gopher goalposts.

PS - #NeverForget

I SPY 10,000 sad Gopher fans with their hands on their heads. You could canoe back to Madison down a river of Gopher tears after that blocked punt.

Thursday, November 14, 2013


It's Thursday and I still don't think I'm physically, mentally, or emotionally recovered from last weekend in Madison. RETRO DIARY:


1:00 pm: Took the day off. Slept in, grabbed some Potbelly, hit the road early in the afternoon. It's hard to emphasize how much better this is than leaving hurriedly at 6 pm, fighting through traffic, driving in the darkness of winter and showing up in Madison when everyone's already drunk. Can't say it enough: take at least a half-day from work and get there while the sun is still up. You will not regret it.

1:15 pm: Oh yeah, Potbelly's chicken enchilada soup is probably the best soup I've ever had. Good mix of veggies, actual, white-meat chicken... it's got it all. I'm dunking whatever sandwich I get in that soup and never looking back.

4:33 pm: Eagle has landed. There is a lot of construction going on in Madison. Gonna be a different looking city in the next 10 years.

5:00 pm: Posted up at the KK for FAC and the Badger hoops game. I've hated on the KK before, but this is a situation where it's more than just tolerable. Virtually everything in the bar is 2-for-1 (a couple of giant pitchers for $10, works for me), people aren't blacked out yet, and everyone's just happy it's the weekend.

5:45 pm: KK chicken tender basket, NOT BAD. It doesn't hold up to the Bullfeather's tender basket of freshmen year, but the tenders themselves were giant, and the ranch was on point.

6:00 pm: I don't know how or why, but basketball season sneaks up on me every year. That I'm watching a real, meaningful Wisconsin basketball game is blowing my mind, but I'm okay with that because #DEKKER.

7:00 pm: 12 point lead at the half, Gasser is moving well, Duje is contributing, and beer is flowing.

8:00 pm: I'll be honest and tell you that specifics are hard to come by for me right now. But we just scored 86 points in the season opener and it wasn't in the Kohl Center against North Florida A&M State. Impressive.

8:56 pm: The decision is made to go to a friend's apartment and play some beer pong (if you call it beirut, you are a moron). The realization immediately sets in that we're not in Chicago, and we have 4 minutes to run down to McTaggert's and grab some Natty. Nothing like a bunch of drunk guys running down Langdon with stupid smiles on their faces.

11:00 pm: Off to the Blue Velvet. At this point in the night I'm not SOBER.


12:30 am: Asian Kitchen, sweet and sour chicken, sauce on the side, steamed rice. If I told you I ate this before almost passing out in the lobby of the Lowell (I was not staying there), I would not be lying.

3:53 am: Text my buddy that I'm staying with that some girl was questioning my existence when I was trying to get in to his building. No clue what that means or where the previous 3 hours went. But I made it back to his place in one piece and with all my credit cards and clothing. BRANDON 1, MADISON 0.

10:00 am: Nothing is worse than waking up on someone's couch in a college apartment with Natty Light cans everywhere. You can't feel more disgusting. Only cure? A Natty in the shower and off to Wando's

11:00 am: I think this is the first time I've ever pregamed for a Badger game EXCLUSIVELY at a bar. I've eaten 3 cheese curds and a french fry and oh fuck it's time for a fishbowl race, where there are no winners and only losers.

1:30 pm: FASHION OBSERVATION: you are not a cool girl if you do not wear a red/black flannel shirt on gameday. EVERY SINGLE GIRL had one on. This isn't a complaint, because I think it's a good look. Just strange to see so many girls dressed EXACTLY the same.

1:45 pm: My old iPhone 4 gets knocked into a full beer a week after my iPhone 5 took a dip in the washing machine. I am currently having a bad run of keeping iPhones dry. This is not good.

1:55 pm: Off to Camp Randall, because I'm one of those weirdos that likes to get into the stadium before kickoff.

2:10 pm: Yelling far too many questionably-appropriate things about Mormons. But hey, I've read Wikipedia and I've seen Book of Mormon, so if anyone's qualified to talk all things Mormon, it's obviously me.

2:30 pm: Arrival at Camp Randall. View from the seats:

6:00 pm: I won't even pretend to give you some kind of rundown from the game.

10:00 pm: After a brief stint at the KK, it's off to the other KK: the Karaoke Kid. I will not be singing because nobody wants to hear that.

11:30 pm: Apparently not eating is a bad idea. Ian's on Frances cures that in the most delicious way possible.


10:00 am: On the road early enough to get back for the noon kickoffs. Not feeling 100%. Wouldn't have it any other way.

She's a pretty girl, that Madison.

CHICAGO BADGERS: Another early start to the day at Will's? Okay, that's just fine. Pretty sure I'm due for a raffle winner as well. I think those were the terms I made when I gave away the sundress I won - I need to be guaranteed another victory this year. Feels like a good week for that.

WHOA HEY THIS MUSTACHE IS TAKING OVER THE WORLD: Movember is cruising along, and my mustache is up to big things:

What's that? Some nerds in New York decided the Sears wasn't the tallest building in America anymore? F that. Change out the spires for some #BLONDESTACHE.

Thursday, November 7, 2013


I am LOVING the clash of cultures we're gonna experience this weekend. On the one hand:

And on the OTHER hand?

Trust me; my undying love for chocolate milk is leaving me very conflicted right now. But my point still stands: when BYU and their weird fans travel to Madison this weekend, we'll be meshing the most straight-edge group of people in America with a population RENOWNED for their drinking prowess. Well, I'm assuming that all BYU fans are that sober and weird. Perhaps we should fire up the Wikipedia machine and find out the TRUTH.


All students and faculty at BYU MUST adhere to their honor code:
  • Abstinence from drugs, alcohol, tobacco, coffee, and tea (is coconut water legal?)
  • No porn (BLASPHEMY)
  • No boning unless you're married (don't worry! 50% of BYU grads are married)
  • NO GAY STUFF (the gay is contagious - last thing the Mormons can afford is a big old GAY outbreak)
  • No swearing (I would be a bad Mormon)
  • No guns (pretty sure they're talking about NERF guns)
And then there's the dress code.

Skirts to the knees. Sleeves on all shirts. No facial hair. Got something form fitting and strapless? BURN IT WITH THE BONES OF NON-BELIEVERS.

Well, being a student at BYU just sounds like a bundle of joy.


Mitt Romeny, Founder of Bain Capital, Awful Presidential Candidate. Color me disappointed in the lack of 'Mitt Romney wearing mittens' pictures on the internet:

Ken Jennings, Jeopardy! champion forever. KenJen is probably the coolest Mormon in the world. I love me some KenJen. He knows EVERYTHING, which is probably some kind of BYU Honor Code violation. If you've never watched (well, listened) to Jennings on the Howard Stern Show, you should clear our 30 minutes sometime and give it a spin.

Stephenie Meyer, author of the Twilight series. Alright, this one is baffling. Books about vampires having premarital sex should be BURNED in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Instead, Stephenie is making $50 million every year selling her inter-species sexcapades to every little horny teenager in the world. THEORY: Mormons have to give 10% of their income to the Church; therefore, Meyer is allowed to violate the honor code's face off due to her massive obligatory donation. I love calling it an obligatory donation.

Devin Durrant, former All-American and professional basketball player. This is legitimately the first thing you see when you go to Devin Durrant's Wikipedia page:

I've figured out my big problem in life: there's no rich and famous Branden Rifken out there for me to piggyback to stardom. Devin Durrant probably gets more internet love than any NBA flameout you can think of, simply because his name is obnoxiously close to Kevin Durant. Genius.


You can't fully trust the internet. Maybe the BYU Wikipedia page was hacked by EVIL MONOGAMISTS. To be sure, I reached out to some friends who either grew up in Utah, or currently live there.

From someone who grew up in Utah:
BYU is located in Provo, UT where they have one (maybe two) bars (and they dont allow any fun to happen here) 
BYU does not allow any caffeine on their campus. Stimulants such as caffeine are prohibited by the mormon religion so they fill vending machines with diet, non-caffeine drinks (like the gold coke cans). A few months ago, a vending person accidentally put coke in the machine and it sold out within minutes of someone finding out
I thought about painting a picture depicting this, but I don't wanna prevent anyone from visualizing one Mormon seeing that red can and bashing their head through the glass like a bull bearing down on a matador.
Utah has numerous drinking laws to cut down on drinking. These are with purchasing and bar laws that to most people are pretty crazy. To get around such laws and buy stuff like kegs and everclear, we drive to Evanston, Wyoming and have to smuggle them into the state
Giving Everclear to a bunch of people who don't get to drink much, what could possibly go wrong.
We are known for the "Greatest Snow on Earth" and our license plates read that. You can look up climate reasons for why our snow is so soft and dry. It has to do with our lake. The great salt lake is one of the saltiest lakes in the world. It is actually an eye-sore as it is hideous, smells horrible, and useless when it comes to recreation.
A true national treasure!

From a Badger currently living in Utah:
Also the coffee vs tea vs soda hole... Mormons aren't allowed to have coffee or tea but can drink soda (I think it's kind of like turkey bacon for Jews... If you're super religious you don't eat/drink it). My roommate has a supervisor (not Mormon) who brought brownies to a potluck 4 years ago (when she was new to the area). Everyone looooved the brownies and someone asked this doc what was her secret ingredient, to which she responded "coffee grounds." Apparently everyone started spitting out the brownies, and a few people even went to the bathroom and made themselves throw up the brownies. The woman (4 years later) STILL is shunned at lunch tables and everyone talks shit about her (kid you not).
Sometimes Mormonland is nice... The mountains are gorgeous  But... the liquor laws are insane. State owned stores, plus only beer at the grocery stores. Not every restaurant has a full bar and they use fancy contraptions to make sure only one shot is poured at a time. You can't get more than a 4% beer on tap and last call is at 1:15. My coworker told me to "be careful" when I went to the liquor store because "people always get stabbed in the parking lot." It's tough being a sconnie here.
That's not even America.
Also "soaking" is a great topic to delve into, if you haven't already... Some big BYU bball star got suspended for it a few years ago.
From Urban Dictionary:

"Baby, we ain't gonna do nothin to get us in trouble. Let's just soak a little...'

PS - That Seinfeld clip was NOWHERE to be found on in the internet. I downloaded the episode, downloaded a program to trim that clip out, and uploaded it to YouTube ALL BY MYSELF.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

at Iowa

It's Iowa week, and that means only one thing: HEARTLAND TROPHY UP FOR GRABS:

HOT FIRE from the @UWMadison twitter account. LOVE IT. And it's just so logical that Wisconsin and Iowa battle for a trophy with a giant bull on it, isn't it? I mean, I don't know much about Iowan culture, but after growing up in Milwaukee and spending five years in Madison, I can safely say that the matador/bullfighting lifestyle is MORE than prevalent in the Midwest. However, there's one big problem here: I don't really know a whole lot about Iowa. I know that on a map I have a 50/50 shot of correctly identifying Iowa ('This one is Iowa, right? Or wait, is this Ohio? THIS IS A TRICK QUESTION'). I know that there's a Davenport in Illinois AND in Iowa. But that's really about it. LET'S DIG DEEPER:


The word 'professional' has a completely different definition in the Hawkeye state.

Minor league baseball, indoor football, American Hockey League, NBA D-League, professional sports. Got it. Technically the players on those teams make money, so I guess Iowa really is stacked with professional sports teams? THE MORE YOU KNOW

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Bye Week Mailbag #2!

Your questions, my answers. This got long. You've been warned. Let's do this thing.


Jeff W:

What are your top 5 favorite .gifs on the internet? I would assume this is one of them:



While I love me some Chris Farley, I think my top 5 looks a little something like this:

1) Raptors Mascot

The derpy face. The tiny little raptor feet struggling in roller blades. The depressed tail deflating at the end. GIF PERFECTION.

2) Oprah Bees

EASILY the best part is when she puts her hand up and bobs her head up and down while dancing to her right. God that kills me. I don't even remember if that part's from the real video or not. I don't care.

3) Cookie Monster

There's a scene in Knocked Up where Seth Rogan and Paul Rudd are talking about how much Rudd's kids love bubbles, and Rudd says that he'll never love ANYTHING as much as they love bubbles. That's how I feel when I see Cookie Monster here. I know that there's no way I'll ever love anything nearly as much as he loves a giant cookie cake surrounded by perimeter cookies. Mouth agape. Eyes GOOGLY. And look how happy all his friends are for him!

4) Thug City


Just... did not see that coming. If they were on roller blades, we wouldn't even be having this conversation. The skates put me over the edge.

5) The Watermelon Face Crushing Smile


In all honesty, I'm not 100% sure these two were related. I've always assumed those reactions were from the girl destroying her face with a watermelon. So I went ahead and stitched them together with some INTERNET MAGIC. Works for me.

Honorable Mention: Please Just Watch Her Face

Monday, October 21, 2013

Bye Week Mailbag - Part 2

Glaring omission from the Hairstyle Rankings: Poofed-Up-Front-Ponytail-Combo. FIRE

Have we ever had TWO byes before? What is this crap? Although, I will point out that having a bye that splits two road games AND falls on Halloween weekend is actually kind of clutch. Players get to rest up before traveling to Iowa; we get to avoid that whole 'how can I sneak Badger gear into my costume' conundrum.

SPEAKING of costumes, what are the rules on recycling from the previous year? What if you had a really AWESOME costume? Can I go as Jon Taffer and throw raw chicken in people's grills all night and then verbally assault them for TOUCHING RAW CHICKEN? Will every party be 40% guys, 10% girls, and 50% Miley Cyrus costumes?

MYSTERIES ABOUND. And Halloween is such a perfect time for mysteries. I fucking love Halloween and will keep on judging any person that doesn't dress up for both nights.

With that said, shoot me whatever questions you've got. Halloween, CTA #Eltiquette... it's all fair game. Here's a link to the mailbag a few weeks ago in case you need inspiration. Email me or hit me up on Twitter with your questions. The sooner you get your question in, the better. Don't be shy.


Thursday, October 17, 2013

at Illinois

We are not losing another game in 2013.

Don't believe me? Think I'm just some blind homer? Well, let's take a stroll down Schedule Street:

at Illinois: Yes, the same Illinois that has lost 15 consecutive B1G games. Yes, the same Illinois that gave up over 600 yards to Washington. Yes, the same Illinois that gives up more rushing yards per game than Purdue. That Illinois. We have no business losing to them, and we're 12+ point favorites on the road. Next.

Bye Week: I'm in a bad mood. You know how I'm on a never-ending quest to come up with a #BillionDollarIdea? Well, some jackass in Madison just beat me to the punch with THE SNUGGLE HOUSE. For $60 an hour, you can go into his totally not-creepy lair and have a PROFESSIONAL SNUGGLER snuggle you up. TOTALLY NOT CREEPY:

And you gotta respect the way the owner conducts his business:
The Snuggle House, 123 E. Main St., was scheduled to open Tuesday but that was postponed because city and fire inspections had not been completed, an occupancy permit had not been issued and city concerns were yet not addressed, according to Timothy Casper, the business’ lawyer. 
Jennifer Zilavy, assistant city attorney, said she has yet to see a business plan for the small company, which aims to provide therapy through touch. 
Zilavy contacted the business two weeks ago after seeing its advertisement on Craigslist asking for professional snugglers.
Fire inspection? Nah. Occupancy permit? Not necessary. Business plan? SCHMIZNESS PLAN. Straight to Craigslist looking for 'professional snugglers' is how Matthew Hurtado rolls. For the record, I OBVIOUSLY searched on Craigslist to find one of the listings he wrote for professional snugglers, but all that turned up were awkward listings for used breast pumps, including the single saddest thing I've ever read on the internet:
This pump is basically brand new, I tried to use it for maybe two weeks after my son was born but I just could not produce milk. 
I was going to keep it because my fiancé and I were going to try for another baby, but he passed away and I now see no more babies in my future anytime soon and am in need of money to buy my son winter clothing.
I emailed this person, mainly because I need to know if it's true. There's probably better than a 50% chance this is a stolen breast pump and it's a scam, but in the off-chance that it's legitimate I need to know. Fucking Double Swindle Breast Pump Scam. Seen it a million times. I wish people weren't allowed to lie on the internet.

PS - If the snuggles include some back scratching, then this is actually genius. Back scratching is how you graduate from Snuggles 101.


Since the meeting, Hurtado said he created a 70-page business manual that includes business plans, procedures and safety information. 
Also included is training information that his four professional snugglers have gone through that covers business procedures and how to handle difficult situations, such as inappropriate touching by clients.
Page 1 of the training manual is for sure 'How To Deal With Boners', right? RESIST THE POKING.

at Iowa: Oh yeah, football! Iowa has been irrelevant for years!

BYU: I think it sums up our home slate this year pretty nicely that between Northwestern and BYU, we couldn't decide which was the best game to go to. In the end, I'm more intrigued by BYU. Independents! Mormons! Can't wait to spend a full weekend in Madison for this game.

Indiana: Every single time we beat IU (and there will be many of those times), Hoosier fans will just play it off like they don't care. 'We go to IU for BASKETBALL!' Then the one time in the next 500 years that we lose to them they will never shut up. Tom Crean is a cock-eyed douchebag.

at Minnesota: At what point does it cease to be a rivalry and begin to be an obligation?

Penn State: Senior Day against these assholes, I hope every UW  player puts a '42' on their helmet. WE DOIN' THIS ONE FOR MAUTI. #AmericanHero #NeverForget #FORTHETROOPSandmautitoo

Boom, 10-2, chance at a BCS game anywhere other than Pasadena (PLEASE). Worse case, we'll fuck up some SEC team, finish the year in the top 10, and be favorites to get back to Indy next season. Not bad for year one of the Gary Andersen Era.

CHICAGO BADGERS: My advice to you is to not show up at Will's at 6:45 p.m. for a night game. There's probably going to be a line. You do not want to spend kickoff waiting in line. Get there on time, grab a bucket of beer, and settle in for a good time.

REAL HEROES IN A CITY OF COWARDS: My dad writes about his trip to D.C. with the Nevada Honor Flight. Since I'm still on his AT&T family plan, I couldn't say no to plugging this here. But it's worth a read. If you don't know what the Honor Flight is, they gather up WW2 vets to travel to D.C. People are waving American flags at the airports for them, they get a police escort through the city, etc. Cool stuff, and my grandpa at his current age is more badass than 95% of my friends. He's been promising me hookers in Vegas since I was in middle school.



Thursday, October 10, 2013

#19 Northwestern

I am officially on #TeamMiley. There, I said it. I fucking love anything and everything that girl is doing with her life. Maybe it's because I'm a huge fan of letting your freak flag fly. Maybe it's because for the first time in my life I find myself incredibly attracted to a girl with a CLASSIC hipster haircut (it's not 'The Miley'. It's hipster hair. Don't kid yourself - double side buzz while quadrant 4 is free to roam like a herd of pre-Oregon Trail buffalo). Maybe it's because I can finally confirm that she is actually one hell of a singer:

I don't know what it is. I just know that I'm sick of people crying about her like she's fucking destroying society because she dresses like a college girl during Halloween and talks about sex and drugs and rock and roll and grinds up on a dick when she's dancing. Like kids haven't been doing that at dances since Miley was still on the Disney Channel. Give me a break.

She's 20 years old, rich, talented, and famous. She doesn't like riding horses, hates cats, and prefers real dogs to those tiny little rat-dogs. She watches Workaholics. She went to Haiti and helped deaf kids get hearing aids... and then raged on rum all night. I love all of this. And as for the whole tongue thing?

I just stick my tongue out because I hate smiling in pictures. It's so awkward. It looks so cheesy. Now people expect it, like, "Put your tongue out!" It's just easier that way. Taking pictures is so embarrassing. But there's also something about it that I think is cool. Every other girl is so serious – like, this is my moment on the red carpet, I'm in my ball gown, looking pretty. There's something empowering about what I'm doing right now. Especially having "short hair don't care." I think it's empowering for girls. Because there's not one thing that defines what beauty is.
It's taking everything in my power to avoid the MJ Tongue comparison, but I couldn't agree more with Miley here. Smiling in pictures and shit, so awkward. This girl preaches TRUTH at every turn, and that's refreshing from a celebrity.

Do your thang, Miley.


PS - My top plays on jukeboxes at bars:

PPS - This is what happens when there's a week without a Badger game to talk about. I literally lose my brain. Good god.

PPPS - Watching that video of Miley with The Roots reminds me of the day I learned that Lady Gaga was ALSO incredibly talented and not just another autotuned hack like Taylor Swift:

4xPS - Okay fine that Gaga video made me go back and watch one of my all-time favorites, so you might as well join me:

If Greyson isn't dating Blondie up there then I don't want to live in this cruel world anymore.

CHICAGO BADGERS: I'm heading up to Madison for the game, but you know the drill. Take advantage of that outdoor patio at Will's while the weather is still nice.

GET ME OUT OF YOUR SPAM/PROMOTIONS FOLDER: If these emails are dropping in your spam or promotions folder, just drag them to your inbox or mark them as 'not spam'. And make sure to check the setting to do that for all future emails from me. I'm a lot of things, but I am not spam.

DOES YOUR FRIEND/ROOMMATE/SISTER/MOM/COUSIN WANT TO GET ON THIS LIST? If so, shoot me their email address and I'll take care of it. Unless you selfishly enjoy being the middleman and forwarding it on to your friends yourself. I know you people are out there.

For the record, I have added several dads, but no moms. This must CHANGE.



Thursday, October 3, 2013

Bye Week Mailbag!

No more talk about the OSU game. This is really long. On to your questions:

Katie G:
Do men hate or love sock buns?
I had to google 'sock buns' because I wasn't sure if an actual sock was used. Looks like some doughnut shaped loofa is preferred. Weird. Anyway, GIRL HAIRSTYLE POWER RANKINGS:

1) Loose Waves

Oh hell yes. Didn't take me long in my deliberations to go with the old LOOSE WAVES at numero uno. That's just a damn good look. I bet other girls fucking HATE you if you got the hair for this.

2) Side Braid

Fancy, but not too fancy. And probably the only time someone is justified in saying 'make sure you get me from my good side.' Because that braid side is for DAMN sure your good side.

3) High Ponytail


4) Half Up

Still trying to wrap my brain around what this one actually means, but it seems like another one of those 'girls who can't do it secretly despise girls who can do it' styles. Passive-aggressive hair jealousy is the BEST.

5) Low Ponytail

I'm not even sure if this technically qualifies as a low ponytail (seems a little side ponyish if you ask me), but yes this is good looking hair. I am having a little bit of fun with this whole 'googling really attractive girls' thing.

6) Low Bun

High Pony > Low Pony, Low Bun > High Bun. BIZARRE.

Monday, September 30, 2013

Bye Week Mailbag Questions!

Well, yeah, that kinda sucked. It's one thing to play your best game and come up short against a damn good team. It's an entirely different animal to shoot yourself in each foot, your left knee, your right elbow, your shoulder, and your big toe, leaving you completely bloodied and barely functioning... but with enough of a pulse to give you hope that, hey, THIS MIGHT STILL WORK OUT!

It did not work out. You simply cannot commit that many crippling penalties - especially when two of them DIRECTLY prevent turnovers. You can't drop gimme interceptions - especially when they throw for a joke of a touchdown on the following play. You can't have your offensive line get beasted up front - especially when that's supposed to be one of the strengths of your program. We made about as many boneheaded mistakes as you can make, and STILL had the ball down a touchdown with a chance for a miraculous comeback.

Let's give credit where credit is due (because it wasn't all bad): Stave played as well as he has all year. He was making throws all over the field against what is supposedly one of the best secondaries in the nation. Abby showed why he should have a solid NFL career. Borland proved why he's my current favorite Badger and one of the very best linebackers in the country.

I could go on, but the fact remains that unless OSU loses twice and we win out, our 3 year run in Pasadena will be coming to an end. Unfortunate, but it had to end sometime. And with a bye this week, it's time for you to shoot me some questions for a good old fashioned MAILBAG. If you're new here, questions can literally be about anything and everything. Check here and here for some examples from last year. Email me, hit me up on Twitter, or leave a comment below with your questions. The sooner you get your question in, the better. Thanks.

PS - All my fault: