Friday, December 16, 2011

Badger Preview: Pre-Rose Bowl Mailbag Part 1!

Just like last time, you guys had a ton of awesome questions.  And a few highly questionable ones.  Anyway, way too much for one mailbag (which says a lot, considering this is 4100 words).  Part 2 will be out next Thursday.  Rose Bowl preview the following Thursday.  Thanks again for your questions.

Timothy Iman:

Am I the only one that in every big lecture hall in Madison had multiple escape routes planned in case a shooting ever happened while in class?  The one in Bascom? Check. Ag Hall procedure? Done

I'll take it one step further: I have an entire plan of how to thwart a potential shooter.  I've literally been doing this since high school - and I'm still not sure if that's messed up.  But the plan usually plays out in a few different ways:
  • The old "hide behind the door" move.  In this scenario, I anticipate the gunman coming into my office/classroom, so I run behind the door.  Right after the bastard opens the door, I pounce on him while simultaneously neutralizing his weapon.  It's possibly the most badass move anyone's ever seen.  I'll probably shoot him in both knees, just a reminder of what happens to assholes who prey on the innocent.  The police then rush in, at which point I smartly drop the attacker's weapon and lie on the floor, so as not to be mistaken for the true villain.  After an entire room of saved bystanders convinces the police that I am, in fact, the hero, I'm let go.  I then refuse any and all media requests, keep my name hidden, and use it as a story to pick up girls on the L.  A modern American fairy tale.
  • The "pretend to be dead' move.  I think I actually learned this one form my mom, who was convinced that because there was a school shooting somewhere in the country, that my school would be next.  Anyway, this one is pretty simple but only works if you could have actually been injured.  If you're in such a situation, play dead, and then POUNCE on the shooter after he passes you.  Shoot him in the kneecaps, etc.
I pretty much spend half of every day playing out crazy scenarios in my head.  Some of them are so bizarre that I don't even know how they got in my head.  For example, the other day I was crossing one of the bridges in downtown Chicago and for some unknown reason, I imagined a crazed homeless woman dropping her baby into the river.  I, being the dashing hero, immediately jump over the railing, reaching the baby just in time to save it.  Once paramedics have arrived, I refuse to put my name in the media and use the story to pick up girls on the L.

I swear, I'm not on drugs.

An unnamed source has reported you borrow other people's phones to tweet when yours runs out of juice (with the main reason for it running out is because you are so active on twitter).  Do you think you have a legit addiction?  Will you potentially seek rehab to overcome this?

File this one under the 'sad but true' category.  Listen, when you drive to Indy, drink all day at a bar, AND attend a sporting event, it's clear that your phone will be running DANGEROUSLY low on juice.  And once that phone is dead, you might as well be also.  So I did what any logical, intelligent human being would do: I turned my phone off to conserve juice and had a friend tweet on my behalf:

I really don't get what's so strange about that.  How else was I supposed to let the world know about the MBS?  What was I really supposed to do?  NOTHING?  That's crazy.

Almost as crazy as drunkenly asking a friend to tweet on your behalf because you're deathly afraid of your phone running out of battery before you can tweet all sorts of fun things about drinking MSU fans' tears and needing to find more Qdobas.


What are your feelings of possibly adding another one-year transfer quarterback (Crist)? Also, what are the possibilities that Bart Houston arrives and ends up being the Braxton Miller of Wisco?

I'll take my heart out of this and just look at it with a factual mindset.  Quarterbacks on the roster next year (class standing next year in parentheses):
  • Jon Budmayr, RS Junior.  Jon has been suffering from nerve damage in his throwing elbow, and just today Bielema said that he had another setback.  Not-so-bold prediction: Budmayr never throws another pass at UW.
  • Joe Brennan, RS Sophomore.  Barring a transfer, Brennan is probably your next starting quarterback.  I didn't really see much out of him in his limited snaps this year, but he seems to have his head on right, and maybe he can be a serviceable game manager in the future.  Minimal experience, though.
  • Joel Stave, Sophomore.  Gotta like his size (6'5, 220), and reports were that he was as impressive as any other quarterback in the spring game.  But he's yet another quarterback with little to no game experience.
  • Curt Phillips, RS Senior.  Another day, another serious knee injury for Curt.  A real shame, because he came to UW with hopes of being a dual-threat quarterback for years.  Like Budmayr, I'm having a very hard time envisioning him ever getting serious PT at Wisco.  Very unfortunate.
  • Bart Houston, Freshman.  Easily the most highly touted QB recruit to come to UW since I've been following the team.  He comes from one of the most elite high school football programs in the country, and is the ideal pro style recruit.  But he'll be a true freshman, and all the stars in the world mean nothing until you perform at the next level.  Hard to put all the weight on his shoulders.
So what are my thoughts on adding another one-year transfer a la Black Jesus?  YES YES YES.  Listen, I get that you don't want the 'reputation' as this rent-a-QB school, because yes, that could potentially hurt recruiting.  But the QB landscape is almost totally barren next year.  If Crist or either of the other 2 QB's that contacted Bielema want to try and take us to a third consecutive BCS game, then let them try and earn it.  As long as they fit the mold of a Wisconsin kid, I'm all for it.  In Bielema I trust.

Oh, just saw the second part of your question.  Quickly, I'd say the odds are low.  But if they don't end up taking a transfer, those odds shoot up dramatically.  He'll have a whole playbook to learn, and he'll have to do it quickly.  But we possess the run game to nurse a new QB along.  I'm very excited for Houston's arrival, and dreading the first 'Houston, we have a problem!' joke after he throws his first interception.  Meh.


I've been known to run on the warm side, but the current temp in my apt is bringing a whole new meaning to chillin, causing me to consider turning on my heat for the first time ever...what's the avg temp to set heat in this weather? What about the avg temp to set AC in the summer? Your answer to the heat question is much appreciated as it is most (as you would call it) relevant.

I'm a big believer in just running the damn heat if you're cold.  I'm pretty sure it's not nearly as expensive as A/C, but I could be wrong about that.  I'm also in a unique situation in that I haven't paid an electric bill yet.  We moved into our apartment August 1st (I think).  It was MY job to set up the ComEd account.  Well, I definitely tried, but there was some issue with them not recognizing our apartment in their system.  I put in the effort, had them go through our property owners, but haven't heard anything since.  Final result?  FREE ELECTRICITY.

But back to your problem.  I'll answer with a question: How much stupid stuff do you waste money on in any given month?  If you're anything like me, it's a lot.  So why not just make yourself comfortable at home and rock some heat?  Last I checked, we don't live in Mozambique.  This is America.  If you're cold, turn the heat on.  As much as I love a good hoody* - and I really do - you shouldn't be forced to bundle up like you're going skiing just to watch TV in your apartment.

Actual temperatures are tough, since I haven't toyed with the heat yet.  But in the summer, we kept our place ICE COLD.  I find it impossible to sleep when it's remotely hot, so we always had our A/C blasting overnight.  I think somewhere in the high 60's?  That sounds about right.  Central air is a fucking blessing.

*Hoody or hoodie?  Wikipedia said both are acceptable, but that's a communistic answer.  I demand the truth.


 if you had to replace one of the four main characters on seinfeld with a different actor, who would it be and why?

Process of elimination, since it's one of my all-time favorite shows:
  • Definitely not George.  Costanza is the greatest character on the show and one of the top 5 fictional characters in history.  Even if you replaced him with Larry David, it still wouldn't be the same.  Not stocky enough.
  • No way it's Kramer.  Remember when they were casting for the show about nothing?  The creeper they chose to be Kramer?  Just didn't work.  That guy was way too homicidal looking.  No other person could possibly possess the Kramer hair, his unique mannerisms, and most importantly, the Kavorka.
  • I WANT to say it's Jerry, but for some reason I just can't.  He's easily, EASILY the worst actor on the show.  I was watching 'The Maid' the other day, which is easily a top 5 all-time episode, and Jerry is just BRUTAL.  After his 'maid' quits and breaks up with him, he follows her out into the hall and yells, 'Oh yeah?  Well, then, we're through!  And you're fired!'  Now, this wouldn't be a problem if he didn't have some cockeyed smile on his face the whole time.  Every line he delivers when he's supposed to be all worked up is like that.  Hate it.
  • It's gotta be Elaine.  I don't know enough about the early 90's actress landscape, but I'm guessing they could have found others to take Elaine's role and run with it.  Although, if they didn't pick JLD, we never could have had debates about whether or not she was actually hot.  It's kinda like the Office episode where they're debating if HIllary Swank is hot.  When it comes to Elaine, I just have no clue.  Sometimes she just looks terrible, while others she looks amazing.  Remember the girl that Jerry dated in 'The Strike'?  The two-face?  Elaine is kinda like that, but on a much bigger scale, and much more subtle.  Gimme a new Elaine and I'll love the show just as much.
Speaking of actor/actress replacements, old Morty to new Morty is one of the single greatest changes in modern American television.  Old Morty was AWFUL


Thoughts on the NBA trade veto and how it's funny that people still watch the NBA.

Has there ever been a more controversial issue in sports where everyone was on the same damn side?  Is it even controversy at that point?  Because I haven't heard of one rational human being capable of defending Stern's bullshit vetoes.  As of last night, it looks like they finally slipped a trade offer past Stern, but still.  For a long time, I've had a sneaking suspicion that the NBA is just straight up rigged.  Then all the Donaghy stuff came out - which I believe through and through.  And now this crap with the league owning a team and the commissioner vetoing trades like a drunken fantasy football commissioner?  Amazing is definitely happening.

The crazy part is this won't stop people from watching the NBA.  Not at all.  It still showcases the freakiest of freak athletes.  It will still be entertaining.  There will still be drama.  This probably isn't the last we've heard from the commissioner.  But I just find it hard to put much faith in the results of the games when we know the refs have been crooked, and we know that the commissioner of the league has been indisputably affecting the makeup of the league - BEYOND standard commissioner duties.

Now, go back to that previous paragraph, change 'NBA' to 'WWE', and tell me if anything else needs to be changed.


What's the proper protocol when you are given an inaccurate wait time at a restaurant? Like, they say it'll be 15 minutes, but it's now been 40. The hostess invariably gives you a dirty look if you inquire when you're up and this might make her passive agressively bump you further down the list. But what if you were overlooked or forgotten?

Man, I HATE those situations.  I'm also pretty much deathly afraid of sending food back, because 1) I don't want to look like an asshole and be 'that' customer, and 2) I've seen the movie Waiting enough to know that you can't mix Mexican with continental.  But there have been some Ask Reddit threads on this type of thing, and the one thing that all people in the restaurant business said was that as long as you're nice about it, they'll never have a problem trying to help you out.  So if you're told that it will be 15-20 minutes, and it's been 45, you should absolutely go up to the hostess and kindly ask if they know when you might be able to get your table.  Don't make up some BS about having to catch a movie after, and definitely, DEFINITELY don't try and bribe them.
Same thing with sending food back.  If you ordered a steak medium but it comes out rare, don't be an idiot and eat it anyway - you're spending good money on that meal and it should be exactly what you wanted.  However, don't be the dick that eats all the fries and then complains that their burger is cold.  No shit it's cold, you've been sitting there eating fries for 20 minutes.  There are no magic stay-hot burgers out there.  But there might be soon because I'm gonna have to invent that and make millions of dollars.


 It seems like all of your food porn pics come from restaurants. Do you ever cook for yourself? If so, what is your favorite thing to make? Does anything top the buffalo strip sandwich between two pieces of texas toast that you used to make in college?

God damnit.  I suck at cooking.  I can't help it.  It's even dumber because I'm pretty much the only person in my family that CAN'T cook.  Even my little brother, who's not in high school yet, sends me pictures of meals he makes.  A lot of which happen to be breakfast for dinner, but that's still amazing.  The coolest thing I've ever cooked was mac and cheese with bacon, jalapeno, and a crumbled goldfish cracker crust.  But it wasn't as amazing as it should've been, because, again, I suck at cooking.

Another huge problem?  I can't stand raw poultry.  Raw chicken grosses me out to no end.  I have no idea what it is, but there was an episode of Top Chef where they had to butcher chickens as fast as possible, and I was just throwing up the entire time.  I'm not thrilled about handling other raw meats, but I think raw chicken is just the nastiest thing in the world.  And that sucks because I LOVE chicken.  80% of my meals have chicken in them.  But I just can't get over how gross handling raw chicken is.

PS - My mom literally just texted me, 'nug nite mcdonalds'.  STOP ENCOURAGING ME.

PPS - Nugget night at McD's is a fucking glorious night.

PPPS - One of my coworkers bet me that I couldn't eat 40 nuggets in one sitting.  I've never seen easier money in my entire life.  But then it was stepped up a notch when she bet me I couldn't eat $34 worth of McDonald's.  That's a lot trickier.  What would you even order?  Clearly you have to stay away from the dollar menu, as you want the OPPOSITE of bang for your buck.  Good lord, I'm not nearly hungry enough to keep talking about copious amounts of Mickey D's.


Question:  What is the best degree to pursue in the business school (grainger)?

2 ways I can answer this:
  • The best degree for enjoying your time in school would probably be marketing.  Mind you, I took exactly one marketing class, but it seemed like going up the chain you'll spend less time talking about statements of cash flows and the Black-Scholes model and more time designing fake products and learning how to trick unsuspecting people into buying your stuff.
  • The best degree for getting a job after graduation is almost 100% accounting.  I feel like a true jackass because I had to take 3 accounting classes to get my finance degree - a degree that wasn't all that hot by the time I graduated.  Meanwhile, if you did accounting (or even better, the 5 year accounting program), you were pretty much guaranteed a solid-paying job after leaving Madison.  My dad enjoys reminding me of this all time, as if I possess some magical time machine to go back and get an accounting degree instead.  Yea, right.  Like if I could go back in time I'd major in accounting instead of finance.  WRONG.
Since I'm guessing you're still in the B-School, let me make one more suggestion: For midterms/finals, just grab an entire classroom to study in.  You gotta time it right to snatch one, but once you lay claim to a room, you have the following amenities:
  • Outlets everywhere
  • Comfy swivel chairs
  • A chalk/whiteboard
  • Enough room to make throwing a ball of paper into the trash a fun and difficult activity
  • Space to bring friends in to 'study' with you, since everyone knows that studying with other people is actually the opposite of productive 
Question:  Best first drink to order at a bar/ best last drink to order at a bar?

Trick question.  The answer to both is rumplemintz.  When you just get there, you're usually trying to catch up.  100 proof rumple does the trick.  And by the time you're leaving, you'll be so plastered that taking another shot of rumplemintz sounds like a genius idea.


If you could select any person in the world to rape Jerry Sandusky, who would make up the top-3 on your list?

I might actually hate you for asking such a terrible question.  But, IN NO ORDER:

  • Boggs and the Sisters from Shawshank

  •  This guy:

  • Lastly, this guy:

Not a cold enough shower in the world to help me out right now.


Who do you think is having more nightmares right now, the Oregon D-Coord or our D-Coord? Oregon will simply wilt against our O-Line strength (they have to blitz... spoiler alert: it won't work), but our coverage unit will look like scramblin' retards trying to catch the Quacks. We couldn't even handle the speed of Michigan St on the WR bubble screens and slants. Even Fenelus looked lost at times. We really don't have a pass rush, so how can we possibly stop them?
Unknown defensive badgers can step up in big bowls to become big names. Wendell Bryant, JJ Watt come to mind...

The only way we stop them is by forcing turnovers, which I really do think we'll do.  And yes, like you said, there's no way they slow our offensive line down.  And if our O-line is getting that push, that means Montee will run free.  And if Montee is running free, then the play action game will open up for Black Jesus.  It's a vicious cycle.

But I honestly do think they won't punt.  At all.  All they're gonna do is score touchdowns, throw interceptions, or fumble.  That's it.  In a way, they're kinda the Adam Dunn of college football offenses.  3 true outcomes, nothing else.  It's a terrifying thing to gameplan for, and I'm sure the defensive coaches weren't feeling too hot after the B1G Championship game where, as you said, MSU just picked us apart.

An unknown Badger to step it up big time in teh bowl game?  Hmmm.  That's a damn fine question.  Are any of our defensive linemen outside of Nzegwu really 'known'?  As a whole, they've been awfully underwhelming all season.  Butrym has had his moments, Beau Allen's been up and down, and Hemer/Kelly shine sometimes.  But I just don't think there's a dominant pass rusher in that group.  I'm secretly holding out hope that they've been slowplaying Borland's role all season, and this is the game where they'll send him flying off the edge to abuse Oregon's QB.  What else is he gonna do?  Stick in coverage on their lightning fast receivers and backs?  Nah.  Let the kid go beast mode and attack their backfield.  That's my holiday wish.  BEASTMODE BORLAND.


As a ranch lover myself, I seem to be having the hardest time finding a good dipping ranch from the store for when I just want eat some chicken tenders at home.   I've gone to restaurants, multiple times, and had them put their ranch in to go cups for me so that I can enjoy it at home, however they only seem to last about a week before my roommates complain about bad smells coming from the fridge (and yes, I even tried emptying a glass bottle of crappy ranch and putting the restaurant stuff inside).    Therefore I need some dank ass ranch recommendations because hidden valley just ain't cutting it.
Couldn't agree more.  Hidden Valley is essentially ranch flavored mayo.  Gross.  But I have no idea what to do about this problem.  It's why I ALWAYS have to ask for a side of ranch at any restaurant if I'm bringing my food home.  Are there some do it yourself ranch kits out there that let me control how liquid-y my ranch is?  Because that's always a huge factor in determining how good ranch is.  Wait, what was that ranch you had waiting for me in a 20 oz cup last year?  That was quite dank and it seemed like you had mass quantities of it.  I'm calling shenanigans.  You're sitting on a ranch goldmine and you're keeping it on the down low.

For the record, Ian's makes their own ranch.  It's real, and it's spectacular.

Everyone Ever:

If you were Ryan Braun, would you rather admit to using steroids and accept your suspension, or have herpes and not be suspended?

It's pretty remarkable that I got this question like 9 different times.  Because this is such a close call, we'll have to go to the ever-useful pros and cons list.



  • Well, you don't have herpes
  • You'll probably still get to keep your MVP trophy
  • I imagine being suspended in sports is the same thing as being suspended in school.  Translation: Lots of video games.
  • You're labeled a cheater
  • If your name ever comes up for Hall of Fame voting, this will not help your case
  • You might have little balls
  • You might have fucked up sperm.  I think that's a steroids side-effect.
  • I'm pretty sure steroid abuse leads to your body just falling apart like Mr. Jefferson in that South Park episode


  • You didn't cheat
  • Your baseball career should recover nicely
  • Herpes won't kill you
  • There are oodles, OODLES of herpes-ridden chicks in Milwaukee that would love to swap sores with you
  • Fuck, most girls in Milwaukee would probably bang you anyway
  • I assume that your teammates will be RELENTLESS with the herpes jokes
  • A girl will 100% sue you for giving her herpes at some point
  • When everyone's laughing at the 'What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas... except herpes' joke from The Hangover, you have to lie through your teeth and say, 'I really don't think it was that funny.'
  • Run out to left field at Wrigley, be serenaded with HERRRRRRRRRRRR-PPEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS cheers.
  • Well, I mean, the whole fucking world knows you've got the herp.

Hmm... pretty tough call.  But I'm going with HERPES.  Andddd that's the last time I will ever type that sentence.  Hopefully.


No comments:

Post a Comment