Thursday, January 29, 2015

at Iowa & #22 Indiana

OOOOOOO, that NYC blizzard, SO SPOOKY! So spooky it even had TWO official hashtags! So spooky that the Governor made it illegal to be outside! SO SPOOKY!

Sweet blizzard, New York. You're so bad at blizzarding that weather nerds everywhere are apologizing for even being associated with your bitch ass blizzard self. I mean seriously, how do you fuck up a blizzard? All you have to do is sit there and let it snow its face off with winds at least 35 mph and visibility less than a quarter of a mile for at least 3 hours. EVERYONE knows that's literally all it takes to get a blizzard. New York? Shitty blizzard city. Chicago? ELITE BLIZZARD CAPITAL OF THE WORLD.

I've never been so damn proud to be a Chicagoan.

PS - All the fearmongering about blizzards is adorable. Blizzards aren't even one of my top 8 scariest things.

PPS - OH YES, that means it's time for an updated installment of my SCARY LIST FEAR RANKINGS:

1) The Third Rail


I'm not even sure I need further justification other than I am eternally terrified of anything that an kill you if you pee on it. The Third Rail is basically the opposite of a jellyfish sting. When you throw in how camouflage it is amongst the harmless rails and how easy it would be to take a tumble onto the tracks then you have the complete recipe for fear.

2) Cops on horses

Horses by themselves should probably be on this list. Horses are the scariest animals in the game. They're enormous, powerful, and I'm pretty sure they're really stupid. That's WRECKLESS. They'll kick your skull off and then swat at some flies on their butt with their tails. Ain't no thang.

And then you throw a cop on top and it's just whoa look out. Murder Machine, double capital M. I'm convinced that police horses have ANGER ISSUES as a result of years of hardcore training and a lack of poop privacy. I saw a horse and carriage the other day and the horse had a dumpster connected to his butt to catch all his poop. I had no clue horse poop catching innovation was a thing. Someone spent time engineering a solution to catch horse poop, and that is why asking third graders what they wanna be when they grow up is BULLSHIT. No third grader wants to grow up and start their own small business manufacturing and selling poop dumpsters for horses.

PS - Oddly enough I find those kinds of police hats extraordinarily scary, but when you put it on the horse I think everything gets kinda cute:

3) Murder Ice

Haven't heard much about murder ice in 2015. Kinda makes you think. Kinda makes you think that murder ice is just laying low, waiting for it's opportunity to FALL and do its murder thing. You sneaky murder ice you, I'm on to your game.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

at Michigan

You know what? Embarrassing Iowa like that was FUN! I know, crazy! But I can't say how much I love beating them. They're not our biggest rival. They're never our biggest threat to the crown given that they're never a threat to the crown. But their coach is a complete shithead, their players are gingers or dirtbags or both, and their fans somehow equate Iowa in football and hoops to Wisconsin. SO SILLY

And that's why that 32 point beatdown was such a pleasure. They were all talking about how it was going to be a statement game, and they even tricked me into thinking it was gonna be close just because the last handful of UW/Iowa games have been close. FOOL ME ONCE, Iowa.

So you can keep on gouging eyes and elbowing skulls and throwing little #frantrums on the sideline like it means a damn thing. We'll just beat your ass and get ready to do it all over again a week from Saturday.

PS - I had a handful of Iowa fans chirping at me during the B1G football championship. Funny how quiet they've gotten since we beat Auburn and then beat them so badly in hoops that it might actually be illegal to embarrass a school on national television like that. Clownshows.

CHICAGO BADGERS: Saturday Badger games against solid teams? HMMMMMMMMMMMMM



Thursday, January 15, 2015

Nebraska & Iowa

THIS FEELS LIKE IT IS ALL MY FAULT. That's how I'm taking it. That's how I'm processing Frank having a SNEAKY concussion, Traevon fracturing his foot, Dekker disappearing, Gasser missing free throws, and Wisconsin losing to RUTGERS. I am 100% dead serious when I say I didn't think we'd lose to Rutgers in hoops OR football for at least the next 14 years. I was stunned and ashamed and CULPABLE. This is what I get for talking about running the table and never believing we're going to lose. This is what I get for only knocking on wood a few times instead of finding a sledgehammer and destroying my nightstand. THIS IS WHAT I GET.

HOWEVER, with all of that dramatic crap said, I'm still TEEMING WITH OPTIMISM. Allow me to explain:
  • Enter Bronson Koenig. I've been waiting for him to take a leap, and this would be a PRIME opportunity for him to do so. He's gonna start, he's gonna play 30+ mpg, and I think he's gonna seize the opportunity. If you remember, Trae was thrust into action when the George Marshall experiment failed. There were some growing pains, but Trae came out a much better player in the long haul as a result. I expect similar growth from BK, and given his absurd skill level, I think we'll see the fruits of the labors sooner rather than later.
  • Frank should be back, and a team with Dekker/Frank/Nigel should still win the B1G. That's big time big boy basketball, and on most nights against most teams those guys will carry the load. I'm willing to guess that Bronson, Gasser, and Duje will each have a night where they hit big shots and lead us to victory. That's a recipe for a title in my eyes.
  • All the Trae haters are either gonna have a giant heaping of crow to eat, or they'll be vindicated. One way or another, looking forward to some closure to this one. So annoying. I also don't think I know what the word 'vindicated' means, so hopefully this was solid usage.
  • Trae should be able to return before the B1G Tournament. If he can get a game or two in before the NCAA Tournament, I'd expect him to be able to contribute at least 20 minutes a night. Put him in for crunch time and let him do this thing.
  • The goals haven't changed. Win the B1G. Win the B1G tourney. Win the whole fucking thing. Those are the goals. 3 trophies. And now we go from the team everyone's expecting to do big things, the team with the bullseye on its back... to the team some people are gonna start doubting. The official hashtag of the season is #MakeEmBelieve, and now this team gets a chance to do EXACTLY that.
  • Above all else: Bo Ryan. He's still the coach last time I checked. We good.
Losing to Rutgers sucked. Losing Trae for an extended period sucks even more. But I'm not gonna doubt this team. And you shouldn't either.

CHICAGO BADGERS: Hey, LAWYERS. Can you tell me the laws about who is responsible for shoveling sidewalks in front of buildings? Home owners? Businesses? The city? Shouldn't it be ILLEGAL to just let snow pile up in front of your house/business/building until it gets super compacted and becomes a DANGER ZONE to walk on? Yes, it should be. If my alderman is on Twitter, I'm gonna BLOW HIM UP.




Thursday, January 8, 2015

at Rutgers

EAT IT, AUBURN. You can keep your SEC Speed. Bet you wish you could recruit some B1G GUT:

AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL. I wrote this back in August and couldn't be more thrilled with how it turned out:

End result? 19/22 on field goals, including drilling his last 14 attempts. And the last 2 ended up tying the game against Auburn and then winning the game in overtime. I don't think it's remotely lame to be this excited about a kicker. And we have him LOCKED IN for the next three years! #GAGLIANONE4EVER

But what a fun game that was. MGIII gave us one last performance of GREATNESS. The O-Line was in beast mode all day, even after losing their center. The defense was up and down, but boy were they good when we needed them most. And Sunshine overcame a real rough game to lead us to the tying and go-ahead field goals. Barry gets to (hopefully) end his coaching career in the 'W' column, and Chryst takes over a team coming off an 11-win season with a chance to beat Auburn and Alabama in consecutive games. YAY

And then there's Bo Ryan and the hoops squad. They are KIND of good. 15-1, clicking on all levels, ready to abuse the rest of the conference before going for some hardware. Not too difficult to transition from football to basketball when you say goodbye to an 11-3 team and turn your attention to the 4th ranked team in the country. GOLDEN AGE

CHICAGO BADGERS: It seems a little crazy to make plans for every hoops game, especially given that there are like 20+ games left this year. My recommendation is always to take advantage of the big ones and the Saturday games.