Wednesday, December 26, 2018

Pinstripe Bowl vs. Miami Presented by Will's Northwoods Inn

You read that right, amigo. This week we are partnering with Will's to get you ready for the NEW ERA PINSTRIPE BOWL. Wooo, New Era Pinstripe Bowl after the most disappointing season in recent memory! Woooooo!

Listen, I'm with you: it's not easy getting excited about playing Miami AGAIN in a mid-week random name bowl game. But this is the last hurrah for Badger football this year, and it IS a great excuse to take a shower tomorrow and leave your house. We're in that bizarre zone between Christmas and New Year's where no one's really sure what day it is and the idea of setting an alarm on your phone is foreign. Take a shower, put on some non-sweatpants, and join the party at Will's.

Speaking of which, here are my WILL'S PRO-TIPS:

1) You can open a tab at one bar and buy drinks on that tab at the other bars. Do not box yourself in.

2) Get there early enough (before the gameday menu flips over) and get the best thing they make: chicken parm sandwich with tots. I even go as far as getting a side of jalapenos and adding them to them. Italian Mexican fusion at a Wisconsin sports bar!

3) Screaming 'NEW NUMBER' within .75 seconds of a raffle number being announced actually does increase the chances of them picking a new number!

4) You can buy food off the grill using your tab at the bar. Cash only is a thing of the past.

5) Tip often and tip well. Gamedays are a zoo and it can't be easy dealing with idiots like us after the 7th giant bucket of Miller Latte.



Friday, November 16, 2018

at Purdue

At this point it's clear the Badgers and the Packers are in a race to see who can disappoint their fans more, and we are all losing in this competition. I don't know what else to say. There are some great individual players on both teams, but combined the teams themselves are just mediocre. Greatly frustrating in all directions.

So let's not dig any deeper. Instead, SANDWICH POWER RANKINGS:

1) French Dip. Warm, sliced prime rib on a perfect roll with a bucket of au jus for dipping. Sop that juice up. Dip the fries in there too. Go wild. This is what heaven looks like.

2) Pastrami & corned beef with swiss on toasted rye. The sandwich has to be hot. And if you get some pastrami and corned beef warmed up and working together, nothing is impossible.

3) Breakfast meat, egg, & cheese. It doesn't even matter what bread you go with (bagel, croissant, MCGRIDDLE PATTIES). Nor does it REALLY matter which meat you use (anything from bacon to sausage to chorizo plays just fine). All that matters is that the yolk is runny, there's good hot sauce available, and you have additional breakfast meat and taters on the side to sop up all the overflow yolk.

4) Hot chicken with pickles and some slaw. The Hot Chicken Revolution has been welcomed with open arms. All bout that life. Biscuit or brioche. Hot as possible. I want that chicken coated in whatever the hell is in that dark spice rub that you can tell is really freaking hot because it's in the seasoning more than in the sauce. Roost, you complete me.

5) Bahn mi. Spicy peppers, sweetness in the marinated meat, perfect crusty bread and the right amount of crunchiness from the rest of the veggies. Can I dunk a bahn mi in some au jus and call it VIETNAMESE AMERICAN FUSION? I have a theory that all of the best fusion restaurants use an Asian cuisine as one of the molecules.

JUST MISSED: Tortas, Italian beef, buffalo chicken with ranch, chicken parm

Now please roast me alive about the obvious mistakes I've made and how deeply offended you are by my fickle sandwich preferences.

PPS - no a hot dog is not a sandwich, and including burgers here felt weird. Burgers are their own category of food.

PPPS - never been a big grilled cheese fan. In my eyes it's the Beatles of the sandwich world: I understand everyone loves it and looks at it like it's the best thing ever, but I don't dig it myself. 



Friday, November 9, 2018

at #20 Penn State

Voting and family obligations kept me away from a TV on Saturday, and it looked like I didn't miss much. That's fine. Well, Hornibrook getting another concussion is certainly awful, but I don't think it matters who plays quarterback this year. This team simply isn't very good, and they're going to have to scrap and claw their way to a solid bowl game to salvage this season.

The edge is off, though. The shine is gone. Time to take Badger gamedays for what they are at their core: perfect opportunities to day drink with friends and live your best life. That's what I plan on doing the rest of the season. Join me.



Friday, November 2, 2018


Hey you! Possibly random person on the internet that I've never met that's reading this! Hear me out for a second as we take a week off from reeling in the Coan Hypemobile and wondering if we beat Northwestern with a healthy Hornibrook. There's something else we need to talk about this week: voting.

That's right - I'm getting RISQUÉ POLITICAL on this here pseudo-sports blog thingy. But I'm not going to pick a side or tell you who to vote for (OR AM I no I'm not). I just want to use this pathetic excuse for a platform to remind, encourage, and implore you to get out and vote in these elections.

Why? Well, it's downright insane how low voter turnouts are in this country. I don't understand it. Is it laziness? Ignorance? The foolish mindset that 'well my vote is just one of a billion, it doesn't matter'? Probably a combination of all of the above. And I used to be one of those 'my vote doesn't count' fools! This is me acknowledging that I once was dumb and lazy when it came to voting! But as our Founding Fathers said: If I can change, and you can change, everybody can change!

So find your damn polling place (wanna vote early and don't know where to go? BANG you're welcome). Put time in your calendar so you don't have any excuses about finding the time. Annoy your friends into submission if they're not feeling patriotic. There are literally no excuses.

It's quick. It's important. It's one of the things that theoretically allows America to thrive as the land of the free, the home of the American Dream, and the best country in the world.

And those things mean something to me even in a time when America is more divided than it ever should be. They should mean something to you as well unless you're reading this from Thailand.

Find your polling location. Vote early if you can. Vote on Tuesday if you can't vote early.




Friday, October 26, 2018

at Northwestern

Thought I ran out of spin zones last week? BREAKING SPIN ZONE NEWS: it's possible Horn Dawg has been playing with a concussion ALL YEAR. In your FACE 'Hornibrook sucks' take! If you ask me, this is the only way to explain his up and (very) down play this season.

And while an injury is never something we want to see, I will say that I am MILDLY curious about the Jack Coan Show. After the first offensive series I will be adequately prepared to kick off the bandwagon or beat my chest about Horn Dawg starting for a reason over him. Gotta go with those gut reactions. Ain't nobody got time for measured, thoughtful analysis.

The other unfortunate thing in play is that Coan may have to make his first career start in Evanston at that toilet bowl of a stadium against Les Nerdès. Gross. It's no secret we've had all sorts of weird games there. Wind. Rain. Fumbles. Inexplicable QB management (start Tanner McEvoy and then bring in Stave cold off the bench and then call a pass on 1st and goal on the 3 in a game where MGIII ran for 260 yards because Gary Andersen was a stable genius).

I hope Hornibrook is okay and leads a UW resurgence that ends with us destroying Michigan's hopes and dreams in Indy. But if he's not good to go, then let the Coan era begin with a triumph on Chicago's north side this weekend. #RagingCoaner



Friday, October 19, 2018


If the 500 message grouptext I had with my friends debating whether or not Hornibrook is objectively terrible is any indication, this is going to be a HARD spin zone this week. There's no way of describing that game other than calling it what it was: a complete and utter failure. Hornibrook? What the hell was that. Chryst? 3rd and 3 from their 40 and you pass and then punt because WHY. Penalty for roughing the snapper? A Harbaugh-infused pile of bullshit the size of Montana.

I could go on, but there's no reason to. We were outcoached and outplayed on the road by a better team. It happens and it sucks and we are all perfectly aware that the world was wrong about the 2018 Wisconsin football team. Whatever.



Friday, October 12, 2018

at #12 Michigan

Ohhhh LAWD do we have a big one this weekend. Labeling a game as a MUST WIN is frequently an exercise in stupidity, but stick with me as I deem this trip to the Big House a MUST WIN for both teams. That's right, we are talking simultaneous double jeopardy threat level purple must win showdown. The winner of this game has a chance to rack up enough quality wins by running the table to sneak into the playoff. The loser? Straight to the Loser Bowl presented by Ponderosa Steakhouse.

We're also in a weird spot given that UW is a touchdown dog. Certainly not a situation I envisioned us being in until a potential battle with OSU, but oh well. I don't have to ramble for an hour about how we thrive as an underdog, and there's less pressure, and yada yada yada shock the world. You know all about that stuff. You're a Wisconsin fan. And I'm having trouble concentrating with Con Air playing about 17 inches away from my face on AMC right now.

So I guess there's nothing left to do but waltz into their building and reintroduce ourselves into the playoff picture. BECAUSE I AM ETERNALLY AND FOOLISHLY OPTIMISTIC.



Friday, October 5, 2018


I feel like we buried Iowa YEARS ago. YEARS AGO. What even happened in that game? I remember Horn Dawg slinging for the win and pretty much nothing else. I'm okay with that. The key is that we bounced back from the BYU debacle and steadied the ship. Equally important is that Ohio State is positioned to run the table and give us that small, small chance of beating them in Indy to backdoor into the playoff.

Do I think that will actually happen? I have no idea. Whenever you try guessing what's going to happen in college football, you inevitably look like an idiot. And I make a prediction every week, so I would know what it's like to be that idiot.

So we'll get to all those annoying scenarios and bowl projections later on. For now we welcome our best friend back to Camp Randall. And by best friend I mean the former football giant that we've been embarrassing since the day they joined the B1G. I require more embarrassment.



Thursday, September 20, 2018

at Iowa

It's exhale time. Let it out. All that obnoxious pressure of going unbeaten is out the window. And if we the internet nerd fans feel that pressure release, one can only imagine the tension dropping in the locker room as well. So let's address some facts:

  • The BYU game sucked
  • We got out-muscled, outplayed, and out-coached
  • That loss was NOT on Gaglianone
  • That loss was NOT on Hornibrook
  • This is still a damn good team with a material chance at working its way back into playoff consideration
BELIEVE that. Run the table, beat an undefeated Ohio State on a neutral field, and anything is damn well possible.

For that to happen, however, UW needs to go into Iowa City on a Saturday night and stuff the Hawkeyes into a barrel and bury them in a cornfield. This was a huge game 3 weeks ago; it's an ENORMOUS game now. I like to think Chryst's pregame speech goes beyond his usual 2 sentences and gets the guys fired up like we haven't seen before.

Last week was rough. But there's all sorts of opportunity and season left. I don't plan on letting that game ruin my enjoyment of this season, and you better not either. Back on the horse. Bury the Hawkeyes. LET'S go!



Thursday, September 13, 2018


Nothing says early season college football quite like overreacting on Twitter to a slow start and calling for your QB to get benched and thrown into the sea. I'll never understand how people can be so quick to turn (although I guess a lot of these people just hate Hornibrook regardless of how he plays), but I can't stress enough that we all need to have some patience. At no point in time were we going to lose to New Mexico. All we had to do was flip the switch over to SMASHMOUTH and they'd never stop it. But that doesn't prep us for better competition, so there's no point in running it 90 times against them.

This weekend, however, should be a different story. BYU comes to down for an afternoon showdown after splitting a couple of games with Arizona and Cal. We know historically they're a solid program, and they're certainly a large step up in talent from Western Kentucky and New Mexico. If their guys are well rested and well soaked, we could have a legitimate opponent on our hands. That's great! We all need to get those juices flowing, especially with a night game at Iowa looming.

So, here's to a fast start, crisp passing game, no turnovers, and getting that swagger filled up before heading to Iowa City. 



Thursday, September 6, 2018

New Mexico

You want my honest opinion? That was a perfectly boring season opener. Second half was a total snoozefest. And this is NOT a complaint. I'm fine with that. What do you really want to see in non-conference games against scrubs? Minimal injuries, young players making plays, and a comfortable cruise to the finish line. CHECK CHECK CHECK.

Plus, we have more important things to discuss:

You've all probably seen this by now: a woman at the U.S. Open was caught on camera dunking her chicken tenders into an ice cold coke. On the surface, this appears to be a criminal offense. Why take what appears to be a surprisingly meaty stadium tender and dunk it in sugar water before taking a bite? Even IF they were out of all normal dipping sauces, you just go raw dog on a tendy. But this is the OBVIOUS way to react to the situation. I'd like to consider some reasons why this woman is fit to supervise children:

1. This could be a 'don't knock it 'til you try it' situation. Have any of you ever dunked a tender in coke? NO? Then how do we know it's not bizarrely delicious? If the first person to dunk a french fry in a chocolate frosty was caught on camera, they probably would've been disowned by their family. Would you ever dump a milkshake on a baked potato and go to work? Of course not! But hot damn if a fry in a frosty isn't a salty-sweet moment of bliss. CONFESSION: I've dunked a nugget or two into the frosty as well. Why should the fries have all the fun?

2. Maybe she has really soft teeth?

3. She was the victim of a sneaky camera operator at a moment of vulnerable, harmless quirkiness. One of my BIGGEST fears is being caught on camera picking my nose at a sporting event. I DON'T WANT TO BE A MÉMÈ. Are we just victim shaming this poor woman who was OUTED trying to cool down some piping hot tenders on a hot late summer day?

4. We've all gifted her the easiest Halloween costume:

She shows up to a party in full Costanza gear with some ice cream and she immediately topsy-turvies an embarrassing moment into a brilliant act of self-awareness. I spend my entire life trying to come up with a decent Halloween costume, and she's been handed one on an ice scream-soaked platter. Live it up.

5. I am dunking a chicken tender in a coke as soon as I can. Seriously. I have to know what this life is like. I have to walk a mile in her cola-drenched chicken finger shoes. First time you see someone cutting a candy bar with a knife and fork you think they're insane. Come back a week later and you're the only person using your hands like a savage. I know which side of the bandwagon I wanna jump on.

UPDATE: I'm gonna be honest with you and tell that it's closer to good than bad:

Obviously I dipped a few curds and some fries in there to see if we really have a trend on our hands. I can't say I'll be dipping my tenders in coke going forward, but I did find myself going back for a few extra dips at the end just to really soak it all in. Color me slightly pleasantly surprised.


TV: BTNish

Friday, August 31, 2018

Western Kentucky

Me on gameday

Congratulations, people. We've made it. If you're reading this, it means you are alive and you have survived until GAMEDAY. I dare you to find a better word. Gameday represents all that is wonderful in life. And when that gameday is of the season opening variety, on a Friday night, on a holiday weekend... you get the kind of gameday that you want to bottle up and bury underground so you can dig it up the next time you get sad. That's good gameday. That's ELITE gameday.

So let's all ignore our suspended wide receivers, our cornerback leaving the team two days before the opener, and any other bad things in life. Find your friends, get to your bar early, and viva la vida.



Friday, August 24, 2018

2018 Season Preview

The hype is SEVERELY PALPABLE. Sports Illustrated cover, national writers picking UW to go undefeated, 54 All-Americans... you name it, we hype it. Offensive line? So good and experienced that Joe Thomas retired just to come back and take notes. Running back? The UW Athletic Department has already booked hotel and airfare to New York in early December. Quarterback? Ask Miami what happens when the Horn Dawg comes a callin'. Linebackers? All aboard the Van Ginkel Express.

It's not ALL sunshine and rainbows, though:

Could I have put any WORSE juju on UW than tweeting about how awesome our wide receivers are a day before the top two get suspended?

I'll save my comments on those legal issues because, well, not a one of us actually knows what happened and what didn't happen. And this is a football/chicken tender/skyporn blog, not a legal blog. There's plenty of depth at WR that UW will be fine.

MORE than fine, I'd wager. And it all starts on a late summer Friday night in Madison. Can't script a better way to start the biggest season in college football history than a night game at Camp Randall Labor Day weekend. This is peak life. I beg you to take advantage and enjoy it, because we're just a few weeks away from STRESS LEVEL MAXIMUM as this team pursues perfection.


Time to pay our respects to those we have lost:
  • Aretha Franklin, Queen of Soul. I'll always say few things are cooler than being a really good singer, and she was better than just about everyone else in the world. Bonus points because the Queen of Soul is a top-tier nickname. 
  • Richard Harrison, the old guy on Pawn Stars. The old guy from Pawn Stars died? No one told me! Probably because every show on the History Channel sucks and is fake and therefore not historical. But, uh, rest in peace big guy!
  • Anthony Bourdain, food dude. A man who lived hard and fast, chewed with the best of them, and probably would be a top 10 person to have drinks and dinner with. I'm struggling to think of a single person who hated him.
  • Flaurie Berman, co-founder of Superdawg. The MATRIARCH OF SUPERDAWG. Superdawg has always been a favorite of mine (the hot dogs are obviously great, but the burgers are the under the radar winner), so after she passed away I made my pilgrimage to Devon and Milwaukee to pay my respects:

  • Kate Spade, purse tycoon. I won't confess to knowing much about Kate Spade other than every girl in the world either has a purse or wants one, and she married David Spade's brother. Also: suicide is the worst.
  • Jerry Maren, last surviving munchkin from the Wizard of Oz. 89 years old is one hell of a run for a munchkin. Not to mention, Jerry had a cameo in Seinfeld! That's one hell of a life.
  • Hugh Dane, Hank from The Office. Me when I found out Hank died:
  • Verne Troyer, Mini-Me. Apparently 2018 was a terrible year for famous little people.
  • Avicii, Swedish DJ. I'm on record for HATING all electronic/DJ music. I think it's insane that billions of people pay money to go to 'concerts' where nerds are pushing buttons on a Macbook. But 'Wake Me Up' is an all-time banger, and it's always a shame to see people die young.
  • Barbara Bush, matriarchal badass. Our second matriarch! Can you tell that I absolutely love the word/concept of a matriarch? Barbara Bush, Flaurie Berman, Olenna Tyrell... matriarchs everywhere. Don't mess with a matriarch.
  • Stephen Hawking, theoretical physicist and cosmologist. I understand virtually nothing that Hawking was famous for, but he's high up on the universal respect rankings. Didn't let a debilitating disease stop him from pursuing his dreams and changing the world.