Thursday, September 29, 2011

Badger Preview: #8 Nebraska

YAWN.  Quick thoughts on the drubbing of whichever Dakota we abused:
  • That Nick Toon guy, he's pretty flippin' good.
  • Black Jesus balls so hard.  He's ruthless.  I mean, I'm super happy he's here... but at the same time I'm kinda depressed that we haven't had him for four years.  He's the best QB in UW history.  Fact.  End of story.  Championship.  LOCK IT UP.
  • Borland is just getting better and better.  But I still think we'll see him rush off the edge this Saturday a la freshman year.
  • Too many penalties, too many kickoffs out of bounds, too many field goals landing at the goal line.  These need to be fixed, and immediately.
  • Trolley crawl was a smaller turnout, but still a wild success.  Somehow, Groth won the boot raffle for the 2nd consecutive year.  Conservatively figure that only 40 people filled out entries each year, that gives him a .006% chance of pulling off that feat.  MIRACLE MAN.
So there you have it.  The cupcake portion of the schedule is over (and please don't get me started on the strength of the non-conf schedule.  I know a lot more about it and what goes into it than you do, and I'll just preemptively tell you that you're wrong).  Big, bad Nebraska comes to town this weekend, along with an undefeated record, 20,000 fans, and a quarterback that has a worse arm than I do.  So exciting.

CHICAGO BADGERS: You are on your own.  If you're not going to Madison, I hereby declare that you're freaking crazy.  #MADTOWNBOUND*

*Official hashtag for Friday.  Me encanta los hashtags.

SHAMELESS PLUGS:Links to the things I doLink to the Badger RoundtableLink to a picture of a velociraptor to see if you're paying attention.  READ MY WORDS.  I even copy/pasted this part from last week!  ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?




8) Buffalo Bites - The City

WILDCARD.  I feel like very few people will agree with me on this (shocker), but have you TRIED the Buffalo Bites from The City?  I'm gonna guess that no, you haven't.  For starters, they're grilled, not fried.  Therefore I can reasonably justify this as the healthiest meal on the list.  Once the chicken is grilled, they just coat 'em up with their kickass buffalo sauce - which is a damn near perfect mix of heat and flavor (not an easy thing to do.  Most places just go straight up Frank's).  Grab a couple sides of their divine ranch, and you've got one of the better appetizers around, which easily doubles as a meal.  The only downside to this?  You have to go into the dungeon that is The City.  Not my favorite bar in Madison, but they did have the NFL Network at a time when no one else did.  That was totally clutch that one Thursday night that the Packers played the Cowboys and you couldn't watch it anywhere else.

The Pack lost.  Favre got hurt.  It was NOT the most glorious of nights.

But still, The City very quietly has some of the best bar food on State Street.  And one of the waitresses there looked EXACTLY like a friend of mine from elementary school, just with more tattoos.  I'm not sure how this is relevant or how it helps, but it just does.

PS - They make their own frips.  What do people think about frips?  Warm potato chips?  Rather have fries?  I think they're pretty hit or miss. I will tell you this, however - Chicago Q has fantastic frip thingies.  And they're on the table like bread would be at most other restaurants.  I didn't even feel like eating my brisket sandwich by the time it came out, those things were incredible.


9) Wings - Quaker Steak & Lube
10) Qdoba Queso Burrito/Henry
12) Pizza di Roma Chicken Parm & Pepperoni/Sausage Pizza

Honorable Mentions: Casa B's Slice/Breadsticks, Falbo Bro's Chicken Parm Sub, Za's Cajun Alfredo Pasta with Pepperoni and Garlic, Jamie's Cookie Cakes


Nebraska QB Taylor Martinez vs. UW Defense

Here's the lowdown on Martinez:

  • I'm not sure if he's actually Mexican
  • He is extraordinarily fast
  • He legit has the worst throwing motion I've ever seen at the D1 level
  • He barely completes 50% of his passes
  • Seriously, this guy is really fucking fast
  • How many Mexicans do you think live in Nebraska?  12?  Maybe 15?
    • I've been to Omaha for the NCAA Tournament, and I'd just like to point out that it's actually quite nice.  And that's all I have to say about that.
So clearly, UW will try and load up the box, contain Martinez, and force him into throwing situations.  BECAUSE OF THAT, I am confident in predicting that he commits at least 2 turnovers.  The guy just can't zing it in there, has poor pocket presence, and his tosses on options are nightmare-inducing.  Fenelus has been awesome all season, so I'm gonna bank on him to pick off Martinez.  And in less surprising news, I expect Borland to force a fumble, recover a fumble, both, or rip off Martinez's arms and beat him in the head with them while saying, 'Quit hittin' yourself!  Quit hittin' yourself!'  That would be so badass.

UW Special Teams vs. Nebraska Special Teams

I feel so trendy naming the special teams matchup here.  It's like the organic free-range chicken of football.  But it's vital because Nebraska boasts one of the nation's most dangerous returnmen.  And we all saw what happened last year against Arizona State when you're not honest on your kickoff coverage.  Any sort of repeat performance will give Nebraska a HUGE bump in a game where we can't afford to make things easier for them.  Ameer Abdullah is averaging something like 40 yards per return, including a 100 yard explosion.  Has Lerner been working on those directional kickoffs just to help slow Abdullah down?  Possibly.

Speaking of Lerner, he cannot, I repeat, CANNOT kick the damn ball out of bounds on kickoffs.  We're playing a one dimensional offense - there's no reason to make things easier for them by giving them a short field.  All reports out of practice are that he has a great leg and absolutely booms it.  But that hasn't translated into success on Saturdays yet.  Hopefully that starts this weekend.  And hopefully French can drill some field goals if he's needed.  Obviously you'd like to just punch it in for a TD every time you start getting down towards the red zone, but what if you get the ball with a minute left in a tie game at your own 20?  Most teams would just try to get in field goal range.  Are we confident French can drill a 43 yarder on national television to win the game?  I'd rather not have it come down to that.


Muse - Starlight

One of my go-to 'playing the air drums on my leg with an umbrella while walking down the street' songs.  I just really, really wish their songs were easier to cover.  I would have mastered all of them by now.  But their sound is extremely difficult to duplicate.  I guess that's just a sign of a truly talented group.

The Offspring - The Kids Aren't Alright

I love everything about this song, except this one little part...

Jenny had a chance, well she really did
Instead she dropped out and had a couple of kids
Mark still lives at home cause he's got no job
He just plays guitar and smokes a lot of pot

Jay committed suicide
Brandon OD'd and died
WTF?  I would rather do all of those other things.  Except the suicide thing, I guess.  Sorry about that, Jay.  But having some kids?  Chillin' at home, blazing and playing guitar?  Am I supposed to feel bad for these people?  No way.  I had to go OD and die.  Probably on heroin.  In the white house on Langdon with the red door.  It all comes full circle.

Lynyrd Skynyrd - Freebird

CONFESSION: When I was a little Badger just getting started on the guitar, I printed out the tab for the Freebird solo, put it in a folder, and wrote 'LIFE GOAL' on the front of it.  I've since learned how to play zero % of the solo.  Wait, this is kinda sad.  Young Brandon was so ambitious!  What happened?  God that solo fucking wails.  Just like Crucial Taunt:

I'm gonna be perfectly honest with you, I think more girls should dress like that.  Or at least go as Cassandra for Halloween.  It's a hot look.


Nebraska likes corn

I fucking love corn as well

Quite the dilemma

Hold on - fuck that noise

Nebraska can eat a dick

Bucky's gonna roll

(Bonus haiku.  I'm feeling very inspired today.)


Last night's MLB games were ridiculous.  Deadspin put the Red Sox/O's game and Rays/Yankees game next to each other.  Love it.

OK, I'm ready to mail this part in because it's 5:07 pm, I'm still at work, I'm going to Madison tomorrow, and I wanna get drunk tonight.  Damn, I didn't even eat lunch today.  DAMN IT ALL.  BODY MASSAGE. GIVE HIM THE STICKsomething something something something DA BUS RIDAH.


AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.  It's remarkable how adorable she is when she's not eating everything and barking at you for no apparent reason.  I've also discovered that she is beyond terrified of the volleyball we kick around the apartment.  That thing makes her go straight into Psycho Pup mode.  Unfortunately, we have not yet discovered an item with the reverse effect.


The mental imagery here is nothing short of amazing.  Truthfully, I'm struggling to understand the context of this, but it's wildly fun to speculate.

I'm pretty sure he was a jockey in his previous life.  The very first SGS tweet was also about horses:
I've ridden horses before.  I have no problem in admitting that it's a freaking terrifying experience.  Horse are underrated extremely large and powerful.  And when you're a kid and they tell you to NEVER walk behind a horse because it will kick your head like a fucking soccer ball?  Yeah, I really wanna spend a lot more time around these creatures.

PS - Hey horses, way to just run into a bunch of spears in Braveheart.  You really planned that attack out pretty well.


Special Grilled Cheese from Sarks in the Park

Here's something that always kinda bugs me: Once you start adding stuff to a grilled cheese sandwich, doesn't it just become a 'whatever you added with cheese' sandwich?  Like what separates a bacon and egg sandwich with cheese from a grilled cheese with bacon and egg?  I might be nitpicking here, but I think my point is perfectly clear and valid.

Anyway, the special grilled cheese from Sarks is every key ingredient from a dank breakfast, all tossed onto some toast and speared for aesthetic (and awesomeness) purposes.  Personally, I like to open it up and add a little of their hot sauce to it.  No, I've never played around with ranch here - but that's just because I'm usually too hungover to ask.  But Sarks is the ideal place to be when you're trying to fight off the hangover - it's not very pricey, the food is appropriately greasy, and the portions are more than big enough.  I'm a big fan.


I'm rolling with 3 pics I took over the summer when I was up in Eagle River visiting the camp I went to for way too long (yes, I'm one of those crazy camp kids that weird everyone else out).

Sun going down over Catfish Lake.

Panorama of the main campus.  I'm pretty sure the sky doesn't get any bluer, the grass any greener.

Pano of the far fields, including the Goldin brothers.  I'm pretty sure their mom should buy this picture and frame it and put it in every room.  I also made them stand still for 2 minutes while I took that pic.

  • I'm gonna be completely honest with you: I absolutely love when girls have bows/ribbons/flowers in their hair.  (Waiting for all the girls on this list to burn all of their ribbons/bows).  Seriously, I have no idea why I dig it so much, but I do.  All girls should be required to wear red ribbons/bows in their hair on gamedays.  If I were president, that would most definitely be my first order of business.  I'm kinda hoping there are some other guys out there that share this sentiment, but if not I don't mind riding solo on the ribbon/bow in the hair bandwagon.
  • What's the mindset of the people that completely overreact to a slight dip in the temperature?  It was like 60 degrees the other day and I saw multiple people with scarves and winter hats.  I mean maybe, just MAYBE I'll give you a pass on the scarf because Chicago is stupid windy.  But the first 60 degree day of the spring is when you see people busting out shorts and laying out.  How come the first 60 degree day of fall comes with a giant freak out?  I don't even start wearing a jacket to work until it's like 30 degrees in the morning.  Otherwise, I enjoy the cool morning air while I'm sprinting out of my apartment to catch a train.  Maybe I'm just a good ol' fashioned midwest boy.  Who knows.  But Uggs and North Faces aren't far away, and that scares me.


1-0.  Beat Nebraska.  Just win.



Thursday, September 22, 2011

Badger Preview: South Dakota

This is fun, isn't it?  Actually, maybe it's not.  I like what Shovers had to say about the Northern Illinois game:

Third straight week the 2nd Half of a Badger game is boring... couldn't be happier right now

That's exactly right.  We're just knocking the dicks off anyone that gets in our way, and it IS kinda boring in the second half of a 50 point game... but I wouldn't have it any other way.  This team is doing big things, on its way to doing even BIGGER things, and we're just along for the ride.  Probably the best ride I've ever been on.  I'd pay good money to go on this ride, and, well, I kinda am as I sit here making offers on Nebraska tickets off Craigslist.  Here's how that's been going so far:

8:31 am: Text my sister, her boyfriend, and all the kids I still know there telling them 'Anything under $175, buy it, I'll get you the cash ASAP.'
9:45 am: Text one guy I still know at UW: 'I need you to seduce a girl and convince her to sell you her ticket for $100.  Feel free to never call her again once you have her ticket.'
10:23 am: Click on any offer under $200, email them offering $5 more than their listed price.
12:025 pm: Add in line about being a recent grad and wanting to keep Nebraska fans outside the stadium.
4:39 pm: Include picture of Black Jesus riding the unicorn into the rainbow sunset, mention I'm a recent grad on a budget, explain how it's beneficial to them to sell me their ticket for LESS than what they're offering because karma would most certainly pay them back plus a million later on.

SHOCKINGLY, I do not have a ticket yet.  But I think I'm moving in the right direction.  One way or another, I'll be in the student section 9 days from now drunkenly telling everyone around me that we're "totally running the tight end screen right now, book it, lock it up, championship."  As long as I predict that every time, I'll eventually be right.  We're saving that play for 3rd and 12 against Nebraska.  LOCK IT UP.

UPDATE: The Black Jesus Riding A Unicorn Into The Rainbow Sunset picture totally just locked up a $150 ticket for me.  WWBJD?  GET ME A NEBRASKA TICKET.

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: Is it weird if I Facebooked everyone I emailed about tickets?  You gotta figure that in the dogfight world of Craigslist Ticket Hunting, any extra information you can gather about a potential seller could be the difference between getting the ticket and being screwed.  Right?  And what if she's HOT?

Such a creeper.

CHICAGO BADGERS:TROLLEY CRAWL FUCK YEAH.  For those of you too unlucky to have purchased a ticket (terrible idea), here's the itinerary:

11:00 – 2:00pm - Check-In at The Spot (Bar #1)
  2:00 – 2:30pm - Board Trolley and travel to Bar #2
  2:30 – 3:30pm - Lottie’s (Bar #2)
  3:30 – 4:00pm - Travel to Bar #3
  4:00 – 5:00pm - Cedar Hotel (Bar #3)
  5:00 – 5:30pm - Travel to Bar #4
  5:30 – 6:30pm - Redmond’s (Bar #4)
  6:30 – 7:00pm - Travel to Will’s (Bar #5)

Yeah, that's right: We have a GAMEDAY DRINKING itinerary.  I don't think I utilize itineraries often enough.  Zero thought involved, just follow the plan and drink.  That's how I want to live my life.

SHAMELESS PLUGS: Links to the things I doLink to the Badger RoundtableLink to a picture of a velociraptor to see if you're paying attention.  READ MY WORDS.





9) 1 Million Wings - Quaker Steak & Lube

I feel so cheated.  5 years in Madison getting by on the mediocrity that is BW3.  The wings were OK, the prices quadrupled, and the restaurant itself was a glorified hallway.  It was as narrow and worthless as one of those vacant stores on Clark St. (they're like 7' x 50'.  Who are they trying to attract?  Single lane bowling alleys?)  Oh yeah, they went through and 'upgraded' their TV's.  I put 'upgraded' in quotes because I like excessive uses of quotes, and because their upgrade was also comically terrible.  10" TV's everywhere, same crappy projector, old tube TV's downstairs... just bad news bears all over the place.

But then... something glorious happened.  Quaker Steak And Lube opened up where Uno's used to be (what a ripoff that place was).  I had QS&L for the first time in Middleton a few years back and I LOVED the place.  Sure, it's decorated like my grandpa's house - but the food is incredible.  Some of the best wings I've ever had - huge, meaty and an amazing sauce selection.  Obviously they have great ranch as well.  Now that I think about it, it's probably a good thing that Quaker Steak wasn't there when I was a student.  I would have been there every night for 5 straight years.  Take a look:

Is that a side dish of jalapenos I see?  Amazing.

We went there last year before the Ohio State game (what a HOT game that was).  Wanna know what we discovered?  Quaker Steak is sneakily a GREAT place to drink.  $5 will get you the world's biggest vodka mixed drink (no clue what was in it).  For the sake of scale, here's what I'm talking about:

I should be in charge of designing all American currency.


10) Qdoba Queso Burrito/Henry
12) Pizza di Roma Chicken Parm & Pepperoni/Sausage Pizza

Honorable Mentions: Casa B's Slice/Breadsticks, Falbo Bro's Chicken Parm Sub, Za's Cajun Alfredo Pasta with Pepperoni and Garlic, Jamie's Cookie Cakes


UW Secondary vs. South Dakota Offense
This is such a stretch.  You have NO idea.  How do you write about match-ups for a 70 point blowout?  BETTER question: How do you write about match-ups for a game when you know absolutely nothing about the opposing team?  Actually, I guess that's false.  I know that South Dakota beat Minnesota IN Minneapolis last year.  I know that they just 'knocked off' the #1 FCS team in the country.  I know that they are not the coyotes.  They are the South Dakota KY-OATS.  I know that that is fucking stupid.

Anyway, with Devin Smith taking a medical redshirt, I'm expecting Bielema to test out his secondary depth in what should be a glorified exhibition game.  We know Cromartie is gonna get the majority of the reps going forward, but I'm excited to see what the freshmen can do.  Let's start with Darius Hilary.

Hilary currently has a leg up because not only has he impressed the staff during practice, but he's healthy.  Personally, the thought of having a true freshman out there at corner terrifies me.  But if Bielema is confident that it's the right move, then I'm all for it.  I think I can safely say that we've reached the point where 'IN BIELEMA I TRUST' is right up there with 'IN BO I TRUST'.  That's probably the biggest vote of confidence I can give BB.

More exciting than Hilary, however, is Devin Gaulden.  Quick info on his story:
  • True freshman
  • Resumed practicing last week
  • Had a metal rod inserted in his leg to fix a stress fracture (which he battled through since high school, thinking it was just shin splints)
  • Then there's this from the Journal Sentinel:
"Who wouldn't?" Gaulden said when asked why he was pushing to make his debut against the Cornhuskers. "Nebraska? Prime time?

"Who wouldn't want to be out there, man? That's not even a question, sir."

With each question, Gaulden's voice rose by an octave and his grin grew wider.
Another unnecessary question: Is it safe to say Gaulden is confident in his ability?

"I'm from South Florida," said Gaulden, from Miramar, Fla. "I come from a confident family. If I don't believe in myself, who will? I'm on an island."
Looking forward to him stepping on the field in 2 weeks.

Chicago Trolley Crawlers vs. The Toll of Day Drinking

Huge match-up here.  The Trolley Crawlers are definitely the favorites, but I will NOT be surprised to see the Toll claim a few victims.  Keep your eyes on anyone with hard liquor on the trolley - that's usually a sure sign of impending doom.  Did you see last week's Jersey Shore?  Because I know I SURE DID.  You see how sloppy Snooki and Deena were?  If they were wearing red, they'd fit right in on the crawl.

Speaking of them, anyone who believes that all they did was make out for 12 hours is an idiot.  They clearly did sex.  I also totally blame them for the fact that I was craving a meatball sub today.  I wish I went somewhere other than Subway.  I've grown to completely detest Subways, and today's experience did absolutely nothing to change my mind.  They are the KINGS of skimping, the cheapest bastards in the game.  Do you know they're actually instructed to lay the cheese out in that stupid pattern because it makes you think you're getting shortchanged?  And maybe you'll pay for extra cheese?  That's honestly Subway 101.  And I think their napkins are encrusted with 32 karat gold.  No other way to explain why I have to beg for an extra napkin when I get some disgusting meatball concoction just DRIPPING with marinara sauce.

Oh, one more Subway gripe: If you carry your sandwich by the handles of the bag, this will happen to you 100 times out of 50:

The worst.  And that bag looks like a saw!

PS - As I'm bopping in and out of Paint working on this, I realized something:

Paint is my top program.  That is fucking AWESOME.


Our Lady Peace - Clumsy

PIANO ALERT.  I'm on the record as loving pretty much any song with a piano in it.  Immediately makes the song 1,000x better.  This is no exception.  I'm pretty sure they're Canadian, which clearly hurts their case, but I'm willing to make an exception.  Also, the lyrics are underrated pretty dark:

I'll be waving my hand
Watching you drown, watching you scream, no one's around
And maybe you should sleep
And maybe you just need...A friend
As clumsy has you've been, there's no one laughing


Mumford And Sons - White Blank Page

TODAY I LEARNED that the lead singer plays guitar AND the motherfucking drums at the same time.  That's beyond insane.  That's not even talent.  That's not human.  These guys are amazing, this song is fantastic, and I wish I knew about them 10 years ago even though they probably weren't a band yet.

TQ - Westside

Screaming death to all our enemies, and those who don't believe 
West Coast livin' be the shit to me...

That is EXACTLY how I live my life, except I've never killed anyone and I grew up in the Midwest.  Otherwise, exactly the same.  This was also great:

White bread busta is the whitest sounding thing ever.  Way to blow your cover right away, idiot.

To my peoples if you with me - where you at?
Throw your dubs in the air - and wave 'em like you just don't care
From LA to the Bay - what you say - all day... everyday... any damn day..
Take a look around, we got the whole world locked down
Going on and on, it don't stop...won't stop... can't stop
Either ride or die - gotta give it up for the Westside



Where is Mount Rushmore?

Is that the North or the South?

Wait.  They both still suck.

(Seriously.  I pitched the idea weeks ago that we just merge them into one worthless, boring entity.  I've never felt so strongly about something in my entire life.  This part is not in haiku.)


Hot jams from Dutch Scooter Guy.  The original and the follow-up release.

PS -

I don't speak Spanish, but I'm pretty sure I know exactly what these comments are saying.  AND I LIKE IT.

Steve-O is obviously back on or off the wagon, whichever the bad one is.  And I can't link to a Steve-O clip without bringing up this gem.  That, my friends, is how you party.  I DON'T PLAY.

These clips are only as good as the sound the person makes when they hit the deck.  Does not disappoint.


I was so ready to drop some pictures so cute that you might throw up, and then the Apoopalypse happened.  Last night she poopled (I noticed that I typed 'poopled' instead of 'pooped', but I think it looks AND sounds funny, so I'm keeping it) 3 times in 2 minutes.  After the Apoopalypse, she was just dragging her butt all over the floor, literally and figuratively rubbing it in.  Had to take her outside to get her to start using her rear legs again.  I'm assuming, like all women, she craves attention.  BAD POOPING PUPPY.


I don't think there's ever been a sadder story than that one right there.  BUT WAIT.  There's more:

GAHHH.  I'm pretty sure that's not even possible.  And if it is... can it happen to humans?  Because I'm pretty sure I just found my nightmare fuel.  I think this was the plot to some terrible horror movie.  Sucking the blood out of you?  Much more hardcore than a little vampire hickey on the neck.  I think we should all pour one out for NAME.  RIP, buddy.


Buff Joe's.  The life.

Seriously, if you ever find yourself in Evanston (I'm going to assume you got lost), go straight to Buff Joe's, get a double order of wings and some cheddar chips (waffle fries with unreal merkt's cheddar).  You'll find yourself in a food coma, praising my name for such a glorious recommendation.


OK, maybe this is more city porn than sky porn.  I took this pic from the plane on the way back from the Rose Bowl last year.  THOUGHTS:
  • Did this during the 'Please turn off and put away all electronics' part of the descent.  Therefore, I AM A BRAVE PHOTOGRAPHER.
  • It's pretty incredible the things you can do with Camera+ on an iPhone.
  • Chicago is the coolest city ever, of all-time.


I saw a tweet from the Daily Cardinal the other day talking about a 'heroin epidemic' in Madison.  Let me tell you what I know about heroin:
  • Junior and Senior years I lived at 211 Langdon - white house, red door, next to Sigma Xi:

  • I bring that up because the year BEFORE we moved in there, some chick OD'd on heroin and died.  Right there in the living room.  The Charter guy said he found a bunch of needles and shit when he went in there sometime after.  I don't really believe him, though.  Charter is worse than heroin.
  • Because of that, I consider myself an EXPERT on heroin.
  • If you snort heroin, there's a good chance you might die.  If you DO die, you can only come back to life if you're stabbed in the heart with a giant adrenaline shot.  GET THE SHOT!
Yeah, that's pretty much it.  Heroin is probably the last thing in the world I'd do.  But at the same time, I'm desperately curious to know what it's like.  Has to be amazing for people to risk dying, AIDS, and all those other terrible things.  Oh well.

Oh, shit.  The epidemic.  Yeah, I'm completely baffled here.  Is the heroin issue really that widespread?  Are people shooting up in front of Statesider where all the ghouls used to converge?  Are people trading Nebraska tickets for H?  SO MANY QUESTIONS.

PS - I usually don't read the comments on articles like this, but this is gold:

Well said, Phatso Porkmuncher.


What's the spread?  UW -60?  I'd go with Wisco all day on that.  I'll be EMBARRASSED if this game is remotely close at halftime.  We're playing a shit team, we're the best team in the world, we're at home, and we're pretty healthy.  The Pick:


PS - 9 x 7 = 63, right?

PPS - The day I learned that you can just use a dot instead of the 'x' for multiplication was a great day in my childhood.

PPS - Shouldn't there be a dot character on the keyboard?  Somewhere between * and ^?  No one even uses the stupid ^ key.  Let's replace that with a dot.  Boom, keyboard 2.0.  Billion dollar idea.


Thursday, September 15, 2011

Badger Preview: Northern Illinois

Well that certainly didn't go as expected.  I mean, yeah, we won and won big, but I don't think many people envisioned Oregon State successfully stopping our running game like that.  True, we eventually wore them down and started pounding the rock.  But I'm sure future opponents were taking note that running those safeties up to the line can be very effective in slowing down our bread and butter.  And for most programs, that would spell trouble.  But not Wisconsin.  At least not as long as this guy is still here:


Black Jesus might be the best thing that has ever happened to the state of Wisconsin.  OTHER CONTENDERS*:
When you list them out like that, I think Black Jesus wins by a LANDSLIDE.

FACT: Russell Wilson has thrown 7 incompletions thus far.  Of those 7, 2 were thrown away and 2 were drops.  I can actually recall with surprising accuracy each of his incompletions.  He has been that accurate so far this season.  Incredible stuff.  I can't believe some people were worried about him fitting in with the team in such short time.  If the Big Lebowski has taught us anything, it's that nobody fucks with the (Black) Jesus.


That's actually pretty terrifying.

I need a Halloween costume and I think I just found it.  Seriously, check out the whole outfit:


I would give myself 20 minutes before losing the bowling ball.  If you bring a prop out for Halloween and it's not tied to you in some way, it will be destroyed and/or lost.  That's Halloween 101 right there.  I see someone with a fun prop and I am TAKING that shit.  Second semester Halloween is if you dress in a large box, you are basically announcing to the world that you'd like to be treated like a giant pinata.  Who doesn't love smashing a box on Halloween?**

*So I Wikipedia'd (this needs to be a word now like google and text are) Wisconsin.  It is APPALLING that our state drink is not beer.  I get that dairy is huge and milk is everywhere, but come the fuck on.  If you think about it, in Wisconsin milk is really like everyone else's water, and beer is like everyone else's milk.  So I'm not saying that it makes perfect sense to change our state drink to beer, but if you think about it it kinda does.  Plus, how many other states can let you get 35 DUI's before deciding that maybe, just MAYBE you shouldn't be driving a car anymore?  Florida?  Russia?  It's a short and distinguished list.

**Boom, intentional.

CHICAGO BADGERS: Two possible scenarios here:
  1. You're not an idiot and you're going to Soldier Field to see your school play in 15 minutes away from you.
  2. You're an idiot and you're going home for the weekend.
I hate my life.

SHAMELESS PLUGS: The Hot GloveBrent FavreBP BlogTumblr.  I still have no clue what I'm doing with that Tumblr page.

Also, esteemed UW grad Tim Shovers was selected to write for the Badgers Roundtable on the Journal Sentinel's Badger Blog.  Good stuff there after every game if you're looking for some deeper football analysis.

NOTE: First try with the whole Bcc move.  I'm usually against that, but that should prevent the dreaded reply-all that everyone hates.  And if you hate my previews, now you can just tell me instead of the whole world!  Win/win.


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10) Qdoba Queso Burrito/Henry

Yup, it's another chain mexican-type fast food establishment.  But let me be the first to say: Qdoba > Chipotle, and it's not even close.  And there's no way I'm the only one who spent YEARS calling it Chipolte.  I think that sounds 100x better than Chipotle.  It's a subtle difference, but I think they would be 9 times as successful if they made that change.

Anyway, the queso is really what separates glorious Qdoba from overrated Chipotle.  The queso is SO good that they even have a food truck here in Chicago DEDICATED to queso.  Seriously.  They tossed a comedian in a truck, and he goes around giving out free chips and queso.  That's the best idea since my customized rape whistle business plan last week.  I even drew up a prototype:


But not only are you getting a dank meal at Qdoba (that's very affordable and super quick), but you're getting an elite customer service experience.  Much like Heather at TB, Henry runs the late night show at Qdoba.  Things he has going for him:
  • Extremely nice
  • Will gladly entertain your Drunk-Spanish skills (mine are straight dirty)
  • Has a ponytail
  • He's an extremely nice guy who will happily talk in Spanish with you, all while having a ponytail, how are you possibly not sold yet?
My biggest mistake in life is currently between not remaining friends with Henry post-graduation and dropping a foul ball at a Sox game.  Can't believe I dropped that fucking ball.


12) Pizza di Roma Chicken Parm & Pepperoni/Sausage Pizza

Honorable Mentions: Casa B's Slice/Breadsticks, Falbo Bro's Chicken Parm Sub, Za's Cajun Alfredo Pasta with Pepperoni and Garlic, Jamie's Cookie Cakes


NIU Head Coach Dave Doeren vs. UW Head Coach Bret Bielema

Is that lame?  Whatever, it's true.  Doeren is in his first season as head coach of the Huskies after serving as the defensive coordinator under Bielema.  As a result, these coaches know a hell of a lot about each other's tendencies.  The UW coaching staff is on record saying that they're going to change up their hand signals, so that should tell you all you need to know to understand how much familiarity there is between these coaches.  For the record, I always kinda thought the D was a little soft under Doeren, especially the secondary.  I'm expecting Bielema (and Ash) to bust out some looks we haven't seen yet.

NIU QB Chandler Harnish vs. UW Defense

This should be a nice test for Bucky.  Harnish is experienced, a capable thrower, and an above average runner - the type of quarterback that typically gives defenses fits.  And not that I'm looking ahead (I'M REALLY NOT TRYING TO), but when Nebraska rolls in to Madison in a few weeks, we're going to face an extremely mobile quarterback.  This will be a nice test for our defense - hold their edges, linebacker containment, pressure from the front four, and man coverage on the corners.  Excel in those departments and this team has no ceiling.  Which is a weird way to talk about something being really good, because I associate the lack of a ceiling with people living in some third world country.  I guess what I'm trying to say is we can be really freaking good this year.


Alkaline Trio - Nose Over Tail (Acoustic)

It's weird that this is good.  In case you don't like rocking out, Trio usually blasts guitars in your face.  But they released an album called 'Damnesia' that is mostly a stripped down version of their songs.  Very well done and I really enjoyed it.  Plus, Nose Over Tail is one of my favorite songs by them.

Foo Fighters - Arlandria

It's always a nervous moment for me when a band I really like releases a new album.  What if it sucks?  What if they go from an awesome punk-ish/kinda emo/slightly alternative band to some atmospheric synth bullshit group (WHY GET UP KIDS, WHY?)?  That's not really a concern with FF.  Every album they release has at least a handful of awesome songs.  It's not really a surprise either, because Dave Grohl pisses excellence.  This is without a doubt the best song on their newest album.  I can't believe I missed these guys at Lolla.  I am just stupid as all hell.

Sublime - Doin' Time (AKA Summertime)

I refuse to believe that the actual name for this song is 'Doin' Time'.  It has forever been in my iTunes as 'Summertime', which makes a lot more sense.  Not to mention that summer has a much more positive connotation than prison.  Regardless, this song was featured in Dave Mirra's BMX Biking for Dreamcast, which was better than any Tony Hawk game ever, and that's not even a question.  I love when a song immediately takes you to a specific time/place.  This song does that for me.


Game in Chicago:

If they try to stuff the run?



This isn't an original video or anything, but this scene is amazing.

I'm Jeffrey!  My wife has varicose veins!

This video was on THG a long time ago, but I still find it amazing.  It's also why I consider Europeans to be absolutely fucking insane.

I just came across this link for no apparent reason.  I still find myself quoting it at least 3 times a month.  Pure genius.


This section is in a one-week suspension due to Maddy turning into Psycho Pup.  Chewing through speaker wires, eating couches, snacking on shoelaces, peeing everywhere... BAD DOG.



I'm gonna have to totally agree here - I think an underground bare-knuckle boxing fight would be absolutely amazing to see in person.  I'm essentially picturing this fight.  Hot Shots: Part Deux was a real high quality film.  I have no idea how people come up with such bizarrely absurd comedy, but I dig it.

Oh yeah, one thing Groth is wrong about: I can find ANYTHING on the internet machine.  I don't care if you're looking for underground bare-knuckle boxing fights, meth, or anything in between.  Give me 2 hours and I'll locate it.  Come to think of it, I bet the guys who could point you towards underground bare-knuckle boxing fights and meth know each other.  Might be a two birds with one stone type of thing.

I also find myself wondering if anyone has actually killed two birds with one stone.  Why the fuck are you throwing rocks at birds?

I know I like to poke fun, but this makes just a little bit too much sense.  Well said.



Vegas, baby.  This is from the UNLV game last year, but it doesn't matter when it's from because I get In-N-Out at least once every time I visit the west coast.  I really do think it's that good.

On the left are the animal style fries - grilled onions, melted cheese, their special sauce (which is pretty much just 1000 island, but oh well).  To the right is a double double (two patties, two pieces of cheese) - also animal style.  Just flipping amazing.  And not only is their food great, but they have a SECRET MENU.  God I feel like such an elitist for a) knowing they have a secret menu, and b) ordering off it.  You won't see animal style anywhere on the menu above the counter.  You also won't see a 3x3 or 4x4 on the menu, but you can order those as well (the first number is the number of patties, the second being the number of slices of cheese.  Dangerous game right there).  It really makes me think I'm cool.



Glorious night at the UIC softball field.


I can't help but wonder - how does one become a subway conductor?  Do you go to real train conductor school and drop out?  Are subway conductors the dentists of the train conductor world?  BETTER question: How much do they get paid?  Because if it's more than I'm making now (it probably is), I think I'm in for a career change.  Seems like a pretty cushy job, right?  And I think it looks really badass when they're hanging out the window up front just looking back like, 'Yeahhhh, this is MY motherfucking train!  All aboard, bitches!'

And there's definitely some skill involved - don't think otherwise.  There's no other way to explain why some conductors can smoke through turns at 25 mph while others are creepin' along at 4 mph.  That's pure skill, just gotta feel it and lean into the turn.

OK, now I'm picturing myself driving a train and having to jump the track like a combination of the bus scene and the subway scene from Speed.  Holy shit that would be the coolest thing ever.  While we're on the subject, that bus jump in Speed was so outrageous that it kinda bothers me.  Why does the bus just randomly pop up in the front?  If anything, shouldn't it have dropped down a little?  I know the guys on Mythbusters attacked this one, and all it did was leave me wondering, 'Really?  You guys couldn't use a little common sense?'  Ugh.

NOTE: I fucking love Speed.  I used to pause it (on my VCR - bolding something already in caps is like double capitalizing it, for the record) right when Dennis Hopper's head gets knocked off on top of the train.  I felt like Sherlock Holmes when I concluded that it was, in fact, a dummy.


So I may have been a little off with my prediction last week (who honestly thought they could slow our running game down like that?), but at least it was the good kind of wrong because our defense as much improved and kept Oregon State off the scoreboard.  Such a good sign - Borland and Taylor making plays all over the place, Cromartie stepping up once Devin Smith went down, etc.  But this game will be much more indicative of what kind of defense we really have.  It's not a stretch to say that Northern's defense is pretty soft.  They've given up roughly 800 rushing yards per game.  But their offense is pretty damn good.  We're gonna win, but I think they're gonna score enough to make people want to stick around until the end of the game.  The pick: