Thursday, November 28, 2013

Penn State

A short one this week, since it’s the time for eating and drinking and most definitely not blogging.

It’s also time for Minnesota to grow the fuck up. Did you see what happened after we beat them for the 10th consecutive time on Saturday?

Give me a freaking break. For as long as I can remember, the winning team always goes around the stadium on a victory lap with the axe. And during that victory lap, there are two stops made: GOALPOST CHOPPING STOPS. This is part of the tradition. This is what the players, and especially the seniors, look forward to after winning their big rivalry game. They’re gonna take that giant axe and DESTROY both goalposts. It doesn’t matter where the game was played or who won – the fact remains that those goalposts are getting lumberjacked.

But apparently Jerry Kill and his pathetic Minnesota team had other ideas. From what I’ve gathered, Kill’s defense of his team confronting the UW players is that they were interrupting Minnesota’s alma mater. Sure. Okay. Last I checked, the team held up at midfield to let the Gophers wallow in their musical misery. Are the victors supposed to wait around for an hour while the home team slowly gets out of the way? Absolutely ridiculous. Absolutely Minnesota.

PS – Don’t want us celebrating in your grillpiece on your home field? Try winning the game once every decade.

PPS – Did you hear the Badger say ‘We'll send you a Snapchat of it!’ to the Minnesota players? That is the most perfect burn I can think of in that situation. I’d KILL to find out if that actually happened. I like to think that it did:

CHICAGO BADGERS: Enjoy your Thanksgiving break.

LAST CALL FOR MOVEMBER DONATIONS: Here’s the link to my page. Mustache goes into hibernation for the next year very shortly. Do you want to sit idly by as prostate cancer terrorizes the male population?



Thursday, November 21, 2013

at #25 Minnesota


  • Do you remember that insane tsunami that hit Indonesia? That happened a month after Minnesota last touched that beautiful, glorious axe.
  • George W. Bush won an election. As in, after Minnesota gave up the axe, people went out and voted for George W. Bush enough to re-elect him President of the United States of America.
  • Oh my fucking god, DID YOU KNOW YouTube wasn't even invented yet? The last time Minnesota beat Wisconsin in football, you couldn't pop over to YouTube and watch awesome, hilarious videos. LIKE THIS ONE:
  • Twitter was launched, which means that on that dark day years ago when Minnesota bested Bucky, not a single Gopher could tweet a pic of themselves holding the axe. NO #AXESELFIES FOR YOU
  • Okay, so there was no YouTube or Twitter, and now I'm starting to wonder if we even had internet the last time we lost to them. Was the most recent Minnesota victory announced to the world via telegram?
Honestly, this started out as a pretty fun exercise going through the Wikipedia pages for every year, but it gets pretty dark pretty quickly. Every week there's a freaking car bombing or plane crash or natural disaster.

Instead let's consider that the last time we lost to Minnesota in football, Melvin Gordon was 12 years old. Miley Cyrus wasn't even Hannah Montana yet. THE WORLD WAS A DIFFERENT PLACE.

So there's more than just the axe on the line this week. Let's chop some Gopher goalposts.

PS - #NeverForget

I SPY 10,000 sad Gopher fans with their hands on their heads. You could canoe back to Madison down a river of Gopher tears after that blocked punt.

Thursday, November 14, 2013


It's Thursday and I still don't think I'm physically, mentally, or emotionally recovered from last weekend in Madison. RETRO DIARY:


1:00 pm: Took the day off. Slept in, grabbed some Potbelly, hit the road early in the afternoon. It's hard to emphasize how much better this is than leaving hurriedly at 6 pm, fighting through traffic, driving in the darkness of winter and showing up in Madison when everyone's already drunk. Can't say it enough: take at least a half-day from work and get there while the sun is still up. You will not regret it.

1:15 pm: Oh yeah, Potbelly's chicken enchilada soup is probably the best soup I've ever had. Good mix of veggies, actual, white-meat chicken... it's got it all. I'm dunking whatever sandwich I get in that soup and never looking back.

4:33 pm: Eagle has landed. There is a lot of construction going on in Madison. Gonna be a different looking city in the next 10 years.

5:00 pm: Posted up at the KK for FAC and the Badger hoops game. I've hated on the KK before, but this is a situation where it's more than just tolerable. Virtually everything in the bar is 2-for-1 (a couple of giant pitchers for $10, works for me), people aren't blacked out yet, and everyone's just happy it's the weekend.

5:45 pm: KK chicken tender basket, NOT BAD. It doesn't hold up to the Bullfeather's tender basket of freshmen year, but the tenders themselves were giant, and the ranch was on point.

6:00 pm: I don't know how or why, but basketball season sneaks up on me every year. That I'm watching a real, meaningful Wisconsin basketball game is blowing my mind, but I'm okay with that because #DEKKER.

7:00 pm: 12 point lead at the half, Gasser is moving well, Duje is contributing, and beer is flowing.

8:00 pm: I'll be honest and tell you that specifics are hard to come by for me right now. But we just scored 86 points in the season opener and it wasn't in the Kohl Center against North Florida A&M State. Impressive.

8:56 pm: The decision is made to go to a friend's apartment and play some beer pong (if you call it beirut, you are a moron). The realization immediately sets in that we're not in Chicago, and we have 4 minutes to run down to McTaggert's and grab some Natty. Nothing like a bunch of drunk guys running down Langdon with stupid smiles on their faces.

11:00 pm: Off to the Blue Velvet. At this point in the night I'm not SOBER.


12:30 am: Asian Kitchen, sweet and sour chicken, sauce on the side, steamed rice. If I told you I ate this before almost passing out in the lobby of the Lowell (I was not staying there), I would not be lying.

3:53 am: Text my buddy that I'm staying with that some girl was questioning my existence when I was trying to get in to his building. No clue what that means or where the previous 3 hours went. But I made it back to his place in one piece and with all my credit cards and clothing. BRANDON 1, MADISON 0.

10:00 am: Nothing is worse than waking up on someone's couch in a college apartment with Natty Light cans everywhere. You can't feel more disgusting. Only cure? A Natty in the shower and off to Wando's

11:00 am: I think this is the first time I've ever pregamed for a Badger game EXCLUSIVELY at a bar. I've eaten 3 cheese curds and a french fry and oh fuck it's time for a fishbowl race, where there are no winners and only losers.

1:30 pm: FASHION OBSERVATION: you are not a cool girl if you do not wear a red/black flannel shirt on gameday. EVERY SINGLE GIRL had one on. This isn't a complaint, because I think it's a good look. Just strange to see so many girls dressed EXACTLY the same.

1:45 pm: My old iPhone 4 gets knocked into a full beer a week after my iPhone 5 took a dip in the washing machine. I am currently having a bad run of keeping iPhones dry. This is not good.

1:55 pm: Off to Camp Randall, because I'm one of those weirdos that likes to get into the stadium before kickoff.

2:10 pm: Yelling far too many questionably-appropriate things about Mormons. But hey, I've read Wikipedia and I've seen Book of Mormon, so if anyone's qualified to talk all things Mormon, it's obviously me.

2:30 pm: Arrival at Camp Randall. View from the seats:

6:00 pm: I won't even pretend to give you some kind of rundown from the game.

10:00 pm: After a brief stint at the KK, it's off to the other KK: the Karaoke Kid. I will not be singing because nobody wants to hear that.

11:30 pm: Apparently not eating is a bad idea. Ian's on Frances cures that in the most delicious way possible.


10:00 am: On the road early enough to get back for the noon kickoffs. Not feeling 100%. Wouldn't have it any other way.

She's a pretty girl, that Madison.

CHICAGO BADGERS: Another early start to the day at Will's? Okay, that's just fine. Pretty sure I'm due for a raffle winner as well. I think those were the terms I made when I gave away the sundress I won - I need to be guaranteed another victory this year. Feels like a good week for that.

WHOA HEY THIS MUSTACHE IS TAKING OVER THE WORLD: Movember is cruising along, and my mustache is up to big things:

What's that? Some nerds in New York decided the Sears wasn't the tallest building in America anymore? F that. Change out the spires for some #BLONDESTACHE.

Thursday, November 7, 2013


I am LOVING the clash of cultures we're gonna experience this weekend. On the one hand:

And on the OTHER hand?

Trust me; my undying love for chocolate milk is leaving me very conflicted right now. But my point still stands: when BYU and their weird fans travel to Madison this weekend, we'll be meshing the most straight-edge group of people in America with a population RENOWNED for their drinking prowess. Well, I'm assuming that all BYU fans are that sober and weird. Perhaps we should fire up the Wikipedia machine and find out the TRUTH.


All students and faculty at BYU MUST adhere to their honor code:
  • Abstinence from drugs, alcohol, tobacco, coffee, and tea (is coconut water legal?)
  • No porn (BLASPHEMY)
  • No boning unless you're married (don't worry! 50% of BYU grads are married)
  • NO GAY STUFF (the gay is contagious - last thing the Mormons can afford is a big old GAY outbreak)
  • No swearing (I would be a bad Mormon)
  • No guns (pretty sure they're talking about NERF guns)
And then there's the dress code.

Skirts to the knees. Sleeves on all shirts. No facial hair. Got something form fitting and strapless? BURN IT WITH THE BONES OF NON-BELIEVERS.

Well, being a student at BYU just sounds like a bundle of joy.


Mitt Romeny, Founder of Bain Capital, Awful Presidential Candidate. Color me disappointed in the lack of 'Mitt Romney wearing mittens' pictures on the internet:

Ken Jennings, Jeopardy! champion forever. KenJen is probably the coolest Mormon in the world. I love me some KenJen. He knows EVERYTHING, which is probably some kind of BYU Honor Code violation. If you've never watched (well, listened) to Jennings on the Howard Stern Show, you should clear our 30 minutes sometime and give it a spin.

Stephenie Meyer, author of the Twilight series. Alright, this one is baffling. Books about vampires having premarital sex should be BURNED in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Instead, Stephenie is making $50 million every year selling her inter-species sexcapades to every little horny teenager in the world. THEORY: Mormons have to give 10% of their income to the Church; therefore, Meyer is allowed to violate the honor code's face off due to her massive obligatory donation. I love calling it an obligatory donation.

Devin Durrant, former All-American and professional basketball player. This is legitimately the first thing you see when you go to Devin Durrant's Wikipedia page:

I've figured out my big problem in life: there's no rich and famous Branden Rifken out there for me to piggyback to stardom. Devin Durrant probably gets more internet love than any NBA flameout you can think of, simply because his name is obnoxiously close to Kevin Durant. Genius.


You can't fully trust the internet. Maybe the BYU Wikipedia page was hacked by EVIL MONOGAMISTS. To be sure, I reached out to some friends who either grew up in Utah, or currently live there.

From someone who grew up in Utah:
BYU is located in Provo, UT where they have one (maybe two) bars (and they dont allow any fun to happen here) 
BYU does not allow any caffeine on their campus. Stimulants such as caffeine are prohibited by the mormon religion so they fill vending machines with diet, non-caffeine drinks (like the gold coke cans). A few months ago, a vending person accidentally put coke in the machine and it sold out within minutes of someone finding out
I thought about painting a picture depicting this, but I don't wanna prevent anyone from visualizing one Mormon seeing that red can and bashing their head through the glass like a bull bearing down on a matador.
Utah has numerous drinking laws to cut down on drinking. These are with purchasing and bar laws that to most people are pretty crazy. To get around such laws and buy stuff like kegs and everclear, we drive to Evanston, Wyoming and have to smuggle them into the state
Giving Everclear to a bunch of people who don't get to drink much, what could possibly go wrong.
We are known for the "Greatest Snow on Earth" and our license plates read that. You can look up climate reasons for why our snow is so soft and dry. It has to do with our lake. The great salt lake is one of the saltiest lakes in the world. It is actually an eye-sore as it is hideous, smells horrible, and useless when it comes to recreation.
A true national treasure!

From a Badger currently living in Utah:
Also the coffee vs tea vs soda hole... Mormons aren't allowed to have coffee or tea but can drink soda (I think it's kind of like turkey bacon for Jews... If you're super religious you don't eat/drink it). My roommate has a supervisor (not Mormon) who brought brownies to a potluck 4 years ago (when she was new to the area). Everyone looooved the brownies and someone asked this doc what was her secret ingredient, to which she responded "coffee grounds." Apparently everyone started spitting out the brownies, and a few people even went to the bathroom and made themselves throw up the brownies. The woman (4 years later) STILL is shunned at lunch tables and everyone talks shit about her (kid you not).
Sometimes Mormonland is nice... The mountains are gorgeous  But... the liquor laws are insane. State owned stores, plus only beer at the grocery stores. Not every restaurant has a full bar and they use fancy contraptions to make sure only one shot is poured at a time. You can't get more than a 4% beer on tap and last call is at 1:15. My coworker told me to "be careful" when I went to the liquor store because "people always get stabbed in the parking lot." It's tough being a sconnie here.
That's not even America.
Also "soaking" is a great topic to delve into, if you haven't already... Some big BYU bball star got suspended for it a few years ago.
From Urban Dictionary:

"Baby, we ain't gonna do nothin to get us in trouble. Let's just soak a little...'

PS - That Seinfeld clip was NOWHERE to be found on in the internet. I downloaded the episode, downloaded a program to trim that clip out, and uploaded it to YouTube ALL BY MYSELF.