I am LOVING the clash of cultures we're gonna experience this weekend. On the one hand:
And on the OTHER hand?
Trust me; my undying love for chocolate milk is leaving me very conflicted right now. But my point still stands: when BYU and their weird fans travel to Madison this weekend, we'll be meshing the most straight-edge group of people in America with a population RENOWNED for their drinking prowess. Well, I'm assuming that all BYU fans are that sober and weird. Perhaps we should fire up the Wikipedia machine and find out the TRUTH.
THE BYU HONOR CODE IS REAL... AND IT'S SPECTACULAR. SPECTACULARLY TERRIBLE.
All students and faculty at BYU MUST adhere to their honor code:
And then there's the dress code.
- Abstinence from drugs, alcohol, tobacco, coffee, and tea (is coconut water legal?)
- No porn (BLASPHEMY)
- No boning unless you're married (don't worry! 50% of BYU grads are married)
- NO GAY STUFF (the gay is contagious - last thing the Mormons can afford is a big old GAY outbreak)
- No swearing (I would be a bad Mormon)
- No guns (pretty sure they're talking about NERF guns)
Skirts to the knees. Sleeves on all shirts. No facial hair. Got something form fitting and strapless? BURN IT WITH THE BONES OF NON-BELIEVERS.
Well, being a student at BYU just sounds like a bundle of joy.
NOTABLE BYU ALUMNI
Mitt Romeny, Founder of Bain Capital, Awful Presidential Candidate. Color me disappointed in the lack of 'Mitt Romney wearing mittens' pictures on the internet:
Ken Jennings, Jeopardy! champion forever. KenJen is probably the coolest Mormon in the world. I love me some KenJen. He knows EVERYTHING, which is probably some kind of BYU Honor Code violation. If you've never watched (well, listened) to Jennings on the Howard Stern Show, you should clear our 30 minutes sometime and give it a spin.
Stephenie Meyer, author of the Twilight series. Alright, this one is baffling. Books about vampires having premarital sex should be BURNED in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Instead, Stephenie is making $50 million every year selling her inter-species sexcapades to every little horny teenager in the world. THEORY: Mormons have to give 10% of their income to the Church; therefore, Meyer is allowed to violate the honor code's face off due to her massive obligatory donation. I love calling it an obligatory donation.
Devin Durrant, former All-American and professional basketball player. This is legitimately the first thing you see when you go to Devin Durrant's Wikipedia page:
I've figured out my big problem in life: there's no rich and famous Branden Rifken out there for me to piggyback to stardom. Devin Durrant probably gets more internet love than any NBA flameout you can think of, simply because his name is obnoxiously close to Kevin Durant. Genius.
FIRST PERSON ACCOUNTS OF LIFE IN UTAH
You can't fully trust the internet. Maybe the BYU Wikipedia page was hacked by EVIL MONOGAMISTS. To be sure, I reached out to some friends who either grew up in Utah, or currently live there.
From someone who grew up in Utah:
BYU is located in Provo, UT where they have one (maybe two) bars (and they dont allow any fun to happen here)
BYU does not allow any caffeine on their campus. Stimulants such as caffeine are prohibited by the mormon religion so they fill vending machines with diet, non-caffeine drinks (like the gold coke cans). A few months ago, a vending person accidentally put coke in the machine and it sold out within minutes of someone finding out
I thought about painting a picture depicting this, but I don't wanna prevent anyone from visualizing one Mormon seeing that red can and bashing their head through the glass like a bull bearing down on a matador.
Utah has numerous drinking laws to cut down on drinking. These are with purchasing and bar laws that to most people are pretty crazy. To get around such laws and buy stuff like kegs and everclear, we drive to Evanston, Wyoming and have to smuggle them into the state
Giving Everclear to a bunch of people who don't get to drink much, what could possibly go wrong.
We are known for the "Greatest Snow on Earth" and our license plates read that. You can look up climate reasons for why our snow is so soft and dry. It has to do with our lake. The great salt lake is one of the saltiest lakes in the world. It is actually an eye-sore as it is hideous, smells horrible, and useless when it comes to recreation.
A true national treasure!
That's not even America.
From a Badger currently living in Utah:
Also the coffee vs tea vs soda hole... Mormons aren't allowed to have coffee or tea but can drink soda (I think it's kind of like turkey bacon for Jews... If you're super religious you don't eat/drink it). My roommate has a supervisor (not Mormon) who brought brownies to a potluck 4 years ago (when she was new to the area). Everyone looooved the brownies and someone asked this doc what was her secret ingredient, to which she responded "coffee grounds." Apparently everyone started spitting out the brownies, and a few people even went to the bathroom and made themselves throw up the brownies. The woman (4 years later) STILL is shunned at lunch tables and everyone talks shit about her (kid you not).
Sometimes Mormonland is nice... The mountains are gorgeous But... the liquor laws are insane. State owned stores, plus only beer at the grocery stores. Not every restaurant has a full bar and they use fancy contraptions to make sure only one shot is poured at a time. You can't get more than a 4% beer on tap and last call is at 1:15. My coworker told me to "be careful" when I went to the liquor store because "people always get stabbed in the parking lot." It's tough being a sconnie here.
Also "soaking" is a great topic to delve into, if you haven't already... Some big BYU bball star got suspended for it a few years ago.
From Urban Dictionary:
"Baby, we ain't gonna do nothin to get us in trouble. Let's just soak a little...'
#UTAH #MORMONS #IWOULDBEATERRIBLEMORMON
PS - That Seinfeld clip was NOWHERE to be found on in the internet. I downloaded the episode, downloaded a program to trim that clip out, and uploaded it to YouTube ALL BY MYSELF.