Thursday, December 29, 2016

Cotton Bowl vs. #12 Western Michigan

Fire up, it's time to take on WESTERN MICHIGAN! MARQUEE MATCHUP CITY!

Whatever. I have no idea, but I was never actually that upset after we choked that B1G Championship away. Maybe it's because (as I've been saying all year) my expectations for this team were so low that we've already far surpassed them. Maybe it's because even if we won we still weren't going to make the Playoff. Not sure. But I got over it and hopefully you have by now as well.

Our consolation prize for losing to Penn State? A date with the Western Michigan Broncos in the Cotton Bowl Presented By Cotton Eyed Joe. They're undefeated and probably have a bunch of Western Michigan Truther fans out there that are up in arms that they're not playing for a national championship, which on the surface is hilarious, but also... is it literally just impossible to play for a championship if you're in a shit conference? I guess that's kinda why the non-power 5 conferences are looking at creating their own championship, which I'm sure will not be belittled or made fun of at all.

This is essentially a notch below facing TCU in the Rose Bowl: it's not a sexy program from a big conference, and it's not difficult to view this as the classic lose/lose where losing is embarrassing and winning is expected since they're not a big program.

You want my take? Noon on January 2nd is a great time to get day drunk and extend that holiday vacay one extra day. No more football games until September. Drink it in and drink it deep before the tap runs dry.


Sure, a few did. Let's take a look.
  • Luther Vandross, rhythm and blues/urban contemporary singer, songwriter, and record producer. Of course, he is best known for...

    • For the record, that's a top 5 Kanye song. I'll hear no arguments otherwise.
    • Terry Crews, actor. I'm gonna just level with you and tell you I thought this was the Office Linebacker guy. Apparently that's Terry Tate. This seems like a reasonable mix up. I'm drinking an iced latte and listening to Lady Gaga right now, how are you doing?
    • Page Kennedy, actor. Hollywood is BULLSHIT. Here's a quick list of the roles Page has played in his actings:
      • In 2005, Kennedy won a recurring role on the popular ABC primetime soap, Desperate Housewives where he played Caleb Applewhite, a fugitive who was being held captive in his mother's basement. 
      • Kennedy joined the cast of Showtime's hit series Weeds during its second and third season. He played U-Turn, a drug-dealer and self-described "thug".
      • Kennedy played Radon Randell an "unidentified black male", a quarterback starting over the main character, Alex Moran, in the Spike television series Blue Mountain State. 
      • Kennedy had a guest appearance whereas he played a burglar in the new 2013 TV series Legit.
      • Kennedy played a gay inmate and gang leader in My Name is Earl and a married inmate and ex-con in Raising the Bar.
    • Hey Page Kennedy, I don't know how TV works, but I think you need a new agent because you have been TYPECAST.
    • Greg Jennings, YouTube star. Still slays me:

        • That Darren Sharper cameo is decidedly less funny than it was a few years ago.
        • "Fuck you Gumby" remains one of my favorite things to yell at someone.
        • Tim Allen, actor and stand-up comedian. Things you need to know about Tim Allen:
          • His real name is Timothy Allen Dick, and I guess he didn't feel like getting famous known as Tim Dick.
          • In 1978, he was arrested with a pound and a half of cocaine. He then snitched out the rest of the people involved to get a lighter sentence. There's nothing on his wiki page about it, but I'm assuming he got the stitches he rightfully deserved.
          • During a one week span in 1994, he starred in the #1 movie (The Santa Claus), had the #1 bestseller, and appeared in the #1 TV show (Home Improvement). That is obnoxious.
          • Galaxy Quest is a HIGHLY underrated movie
        • Tim "The Toolman" Taylor & Jill Taylor, fictional characters. Quite the impressive alumni group you have, Western Michigan.

        CHICAGO BADGERS: Seriously if you're working on Tuesday you're a sucker and I can't explain that any more succinctly.


        TV: ESPN

        Thursday, December 1, 2016

        B1G Championship vs. #8 Penn State

        Several weeks ago I totally had myself convinced. There was simply no way an 11-2 B1G Champion Wisconsin team was going to get boned out of the Playoff. NO WAY. I wrote this:

        You can write it in sharpie on your face and lock it up: 11-2 B1G Champion Wisconsin is in the Playoff. That is today’s no doubt about it toss it in a nest and sit on it guarantee.

        Well aren't I the guy sitting on a nest of lies with IDIOT written on my face in permanent marker! Because as it stands right now, if Washington and Clemson win, then it doesn't matter if we trash Penn State by 500 because we'll be on the outside looking in. I don't even know how to process the situation. Like, I understand that the best teams don't always win their conference championships and that the committee's goal is to get the four best teams in the Playoff. I understand that. But we came into this season staring at a schedule that made it seem like keeping our heads about .500 would be an accomplishment. To come out 11-2 with wins over ranked LSU, Iowa, Nebraska, and Penn State teams while winning the best conference in the country and STILL come up short? That just sucks.

        Some people are oddly okay with this, as they see it as an act of martyrdom to expand the Playoff to 8 teams. I don't want to be agent of change. I don't want to be a footnote in the history of college football championship policies. I want to play for a damn championship. And I'm too lazy to go back and do the math, but I'm guessing we don't finish in the top 8 very frequently. Given how much smaller the margin for error is in football (compared to hoops), any chance to play for a title is precious. Do we get womped by Bama? Possibly. Probably. But we'd still find ourselves in a situation where we have to win two neutral games to snag a mothertrucking national championship. Wake me up the next time that's reality.

        I don't buy for a second that Washington is better than us. Their schedule? SOFT. Their loss? PATHETIC. The real UW? WISCONSIN. And gimme a break putting Michigan ahead of us. They beat us by a touchdown in their own house, sure. But they also lost to a mediocre Iowa team and won exactly ONE game outside the state of Michigan: at Rutgers.

        The truth is, we get screwed because LSU and MSU were supposed to be marquee wins. But then they went out and got sucky and stole a little shine off our impressive campaign. I guess what I'm saying is I'm prepared to accept an 11-2 B1G Championship season where one or two other teams from our conference go to the Playoff instead of us. LUNACY.

        PS - I don't think I ever expressed proper outrage over letting that OSU game slip through our fingers because Miguel Montero was busy propelling the Cubs to victory with a monster grand slam against the Dodgers, but... FUDGE. Looking back, that was a game we should've had that would have us firmly in the top 2-3, which means we'd be playing for a chance to AVOID Alabama. I AM RETROACTIVELY DISGUSTED AND UPSET.

        CHICAGO BADGERS: Saturday night, primetime, grab your friends and some champagne and live the High Life a little.


        TV: FOX