Northern Iowa

I have officially taken off work on Friday. Why? You see, the way I'm looking at it, if I had to go to work on Friday, time would LITRALLY STAND STILL. It would be a slow, miserable day filled with anticipation (and most likely a hangover). Instead, I get to sleep in, get some Hot Doug's*, and probably just start pre-gaming for Saturday a full day in advance. Plus, if one holiday (Labor Day) results in a three day weekend, shouldn't a double holiday (Labor Day AND UW Season Opener) yield a FOUR day weekend? This logic is ironclad and I don't think I could be more excited to not have to work the day before Badger football powers its way back into our lives. My boss put up zero debate because he knew that if I came in on Friday, I would be listening to the same 5 or 6 songs on repeat all day while incessantly checking the clock.

*Speaking of Hot Doug's, I have obviously been scoping out the menu in advance of my feast. I turn to you to help me decide. TOP CONTENDERS:

• Taco Pork Sausage with Green Chili Mustard, Elote Relish and Queso Asadero. I do LOVE me some elotes. No idea what queso asadero is, but queso anythingadero is perfectly fine in my book.
  
• Cayenne and Cheddar Pork Sausage with Chipotle Dijonnaise and Habanero-Jack Cheese. It may surprise you to know that I'm a huge fan of food spicy enough to make you sweat while eating. Whenever something has the word 'habanero' in it, my eyes lock on.
  
• Ribeye Steak Sausage with Horseradish Cream Sauce, Caramelized Onions and Carrigaline Smoked Farmhouse Cheese. Steak sausage? OOOO.
• Wild Rice and Asiago Cheese Bison Sausage with Bacon-Garlic Mayonnaise and Mustard Seed Gouda Cheese. Not a big mayo guy. HUGE bacon-garlic anything guy. CONUNDRUM.

Send your votes in ASAP, or I'm gonna end up getting a hot dog and gently weeping the rest of the night.

PS - You will NEVER guess what next week's food porn picture will be of.


CHICAGO BADGERS: Get your crew of flunkies and join us at Will's, the most Wisconsin of all the Wisconsin bars in Chicago. Gonna recommend getting there early if you want a table/spot outside with a decent view. Hope to see you there.

STILL LOOKING FOR REFERRALS: Spread the word; send me email addresses - all that stuff.


2 freakin' days. LET'S go!



WHO/WHERE/WHEN

TV: BTN
WEATHER: 80'S, SLIGHT CHANCE OF STORMS, I FEAR NOTHING





WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT NORTHERN IOWA?

• Farokhmanesh a three... GOOOOOOD!
• DID YOU KNOW BEFORE KURT WARNER WON A SUPER BOWL, HE BAGGED GROCERIES, AND BEFORE THAT HE WENT TO NORTHERN IOWA?
• Literally the only other notable alumni I recognize is Mike Furrey, which leads PERFECTLY to my 'Best White Wide Receivers Of The Last 20 Years' power rankings:

(In order of how white their name is)

1) Joe Jurevicius. Not only is this a great catch, but it's such a GRITTY and CRAFTY and SCRAPPY play, since those are the only words announcers ever use to describe white athletes.

2) Bill Schroeder. If Bill Schroeder isn't the guy at the end of the bar under the deer antlers smoking a cig and drinking a High Life, then I don't wanna live in this world anymore.

3) Don Beebe.

 This is a fucking remarkable video about Don Beebe. The internet is a wonderful creature.

4) Wes Welker. Why The Patriots Suck.

5) Ed McCaffrey. Still holds the honor of being the only white wide receiver in NFL history over 5-11.


Honorable Mention: Wayne Chrebet, because I'm pretty sure he didn't wear gloves, which is whiter than music with electric guitar.


PS - I'm still not entirely sure where Iowa is on the map. Ohio, Indiana and Iowa are all virtually the same states, with varying degrees of meth usage (YOU WIN, OHIO).



THE BEST DRINKS IN MADISON

12) Mountain Creek Power Hour

Not Pictured: One of these people died shortly after the picture was taken.

Do people know about the Creek? A quick primer, in case you made it a specific goal in Madison to never drink the finest of alcohols:

• Approximately 27% alcohol
• 1 out of every 4 people consuming Creek will bleed and/or puke
• The only 24 pack you can buy comes via four 6-packs on a piece of cardboard
• For some divine reason, you can find Creek at select Trader Joe's. ORGANIC DEATH BEER.

But don't just take it from me. Here's what some expert reviewers on a random internet site have to say:

Has a corn syrup sweetness and booziness along with the cough syrup hint that Minhas beer usually has.

I like all my beer to have a hint of cough syrup.

There's really nothing drinkable about this. This was easier than the Clear Creek Ice, but that's not really saying much...

WTF is Clear Creek Ice?  NEED

Little sweet corn sweetness up front with the steamed vegetables at the back end and a very mineral/hard water finish.

You got a better way to get your daily serving of vegetables?

Overall, I think I was lucky that I was only responsible for one can of this. Any more and I probably would have had to have been dragged from the bottom o' Catfish Lake following a botched stress-based suicide. A bit melodramatic, yes, but this beer was pretty damn bad.

Catfish Lake, WHAT UP.

Wow.

I really never thought I could, in any conciense give a review like this.

This beer, which came at 2.39 a sixer is an anamoly. I say that because, even though it is shittier than OE, it claims that it is from a "small craft brewerey".

I'm gonna scream bullshit and proclaim it one of my top five hated beers of all time. Not because it sucks but, it passes itself off as craft?

Fuck this "I am a small craft brew I am good" bullshit.

This person is apparently not a fan of a good craft lager.

So why do a power hour with it? Why EVER do a power hour? It forces everyone to drink at the same pace! I legit saw a friend of mine puke after THIRTEEN SHOTS OF CREEK. And this is a guy who has actually consumed alcohol before! 13 shots of beer! That's like barely more than 1 Creek, and boom, a Creektastrophe all over my floor. There's something strangely prideful about being able to complete an entire power hour using nothing but the glory of old Mountain Creek. I respect any person who can muscle through it.

My stomach has just been churning in all directions since I googled a picture of the can. Ugh.


Previously:

Honorable Mentions: Birthday Mug at the Nitty Gritty, World's Biggest Mixed Drinks at Quaker Steak & Lube, Old Fashioned at the Old Fashioned



MATCH-UPS TO WATCH

NORTHERN IOWA OFFENSIVE LINE VS. WISCONSIN DEFENSIVE LINE

I love writing about match-ups for non-conference games because I honestly have NO IDEA WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. I've never watched a single snap of Northern Iowa football, and after Saturday I probably never will! This qualifies me as an EXPERT, so let me break it down for you. Bielema was quoted earlier this week talking about his concern for Northern Iowa's size up front on their O-Line. To which I say, interesting... And good. Because lord knows our defensive line needs as many opportunities to get better as they can get. And you get better by going up against the best possible competition you can find. True, Northern Iowa is an FCS team, but they're a good FCS team. So when Bielema starts hyping their offensive line, you know he's trying to light a spark under his guys. Looking at you Gilbert, Kelly, Beau and the rest of the rotation. Get to the quarterback. Make him cry emotionally. Actually, let's talk about that quarterback.

NORTHERN IOWA'S FRESHMAN QUARTERBACK VS. CAMP RANDALL

You're 18 years old. You've never played in front of more than 500 people at a time. D1 schools wanted nothing to do with you. Yet, you battled and fought and earned the starting quarterback job at Northern Iowa. Congratulations! Your first task? Go in front of 80,000+ drunks at Camp Randall and take on the Badgers. I think this woman had a better chance of success:

RANDOM MUSIC I'M DIGGING HARD THIS WEEK

The Darkness - Everybody Have A Good Time

 

THEY'RE BACK! So nerve-wracking when one of your favorite bands releases an album for the first time in years. Are they still awesome? Is this all gonna be acoustic and crappy? Thankfully, The Darkness delivered what I'm prepared to call an excellent album. A real good listen front to back. This song is quickly becoming my weekend anthem.

Metric - Gold Guns Girls

FEMALE LEAD SINGER ALERT. Love a girl with pipes.

Third Eye Blind - Slow Motion (Live)

 

I think we've just discovered another case of songs that are better live than in studio (I've gone through it before, but Freebird, Hotel California, Somebody to Love are all members of that club. On second thought, maybe Slow Motion doesn't belong in that elite group...)



THIS WEEK'S GAME IN HAIKU

Badger football's back!

Uh oh, I think it just moved.

Yes, I am that pumped.



YOUTUBE

I can't tell if this guy is the worst dad ever or the best dad ever. I just know that I can't get enough of the kid's reaction and the immediate backpedaling by the dad.

This video would be about a 3/10 if it weren't for the male anchor playing it off like a true boss. For some reason, him mentioning YouTube reminds me of Michael Scott making sure YouTube comes down to film his apology to the client they offended.

SURPRISINGLY funny, I just wish they didn't put a spoiler in the title of the video. (via Cicero)



FOOD PORN - ITALY EDITION!

My parents and little brother just went to Italy, so I'm letting their pictures pinch-hit for the week.

Well, that looks like an entire pig.

I floated this out there on Twitter, but couldn't we in theory just combine desert and dessert into one word? From context alone I maintain that you'd ALWAYS know which one you're referring to. I'm pretty sure I get them right 99% of the time anyway, but we could really alleviate some confusion.



SKY PORN - ALSO ITALY EDITION!

Sunset in Tuscany, the Maestro is not impressed.

While I was looking through their pics, I saw the one below and thought, 'Damn, that really looks familiar.'

Does it remind you of anything? How about now...

After a quick google, it turns out that those scenes in Gladiator actually were filmed in Tuscany. I am very proud of myself for making this connection.



STEP 1: FIND DEREK GORDON. STEP 2: KILL DEREK GORDON.

I have been doing this ALL wrong. Instead of trying to come up with #BillionDollarIdeas, I should have been pursuing a career in something fulfilling, something that makes me happy. Money isn't everything in life. Yeah, you can pretty much buy anything or anyone you want with a billion dollars, but there's no way I'd ever be as happy as I would be if I were a certified Ranch Dressing Expert. Derek Gordon here is throwing a fucking rager on my medulla right now. Just dancing all over my brain. Do you know how many countless calories of ranch I've consumed? DON'T TELL ME. I'd rather not know. What I DO know, however, is that Derek Gordon just jumped up to #1 on my hitlist. There can be only one ranch dressing expert in the world, and like hell if I'm gonna let Derek Gordon coast to an early grave without putting up a fight.

(via Kygirl)



WE HAVE A LEAD SUSPECT IN RESUME-GATE

After MILLIONS of hours of sleuthing and interrogating, I have determined with 99% confidence and a preponderance of the evidence (whatever that means) that there is only one person who could have committed such devious acts:

NAME: Jared Steinberg
HOMETOWN: One of the cities in the state with all the meth
ALIASES: Steintime (NOTE: I may or may not have made that up), L JAUN
ALIBIS: NONE
CONNECTIONS TO THE VICTIM (THAT'S ME!): Twitter follower, Facebook friend, BP reader (Hi Jared!)

Various sources put me on the path to discovery, but they did so on the condition of anonymity. HOWEVAH, I was able to obtain the following amateur sketch that depicts the events surrounding the Great Resume Heist of 2011-2012:

Case: CRACKED

PS - For some reason, the first time I drew this I made the eyes backwards. Black circles with white dots in the middle, terrifying. Also, forgot a hand:

PREDICTION CITY

I AM STILL VERY EXCITED THAT FOOTBALL HAS RETURNED. This has nothing to do with a prediction for the game, I just felt like telling everyone one mo' time. As far as Saturday goes, part of me thinks that we could have a slow start as we adjust to 6 new coaches, a new quarterback, a revamped offensive line, and a lot of green receivers. But then this other part of me comes out of NOWHERE and is like 'Don't be an idiot, we could run the ball 60 consecutive times against these guys and score a thousand points!' Maybe it's better that I just split the difference. Let's ease into the 2012-2013 Badger football season with a comfortable win at home on a beautiful September afternoon. The Pick:

WISCONSIN 52, NORTHERN IOWA 6





ON WISCONSIN