Thursday, September 13, 2012

Utah State

THAT IS HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW. Literally impossible to sugarcoat this: what a terrible fucking loss.  It does absolutely nothing towards preventing us from winning a B1G title, but it was AWFUL to watch that game. I don't even understand how the offensive line is this pathetic. Four of the guys starting for us played significant minutes last season when we ran the ball like we were playing against little league teams. Yeah, I called them little league teams because I didn't play Pop Warner football and I don't know if I'm spelling it right or what the fuck it even is. UGH.

I made myself a promise yesterday (9/11) that I was gonna stop crying about the little things. Between watching Jerry 'The King' Lawler have a heart attack LIVE on RAW and all the 9/11 coverage that I could not stop watching, it was an emotional day. So whatever. We lost. The season's far from over, Bielema made a swift change to try and right the ship, and my 11-1 prediction is still TOTALLY POSSIBLE IF NOT A LOCK-IT-UP GUARANTEE. The Badgers, like life, will find a way.*

*I think I've now referenced Jurassic Park in every preview this season. We're on our way towards a DiMaggio-esque streak here. HOLD ON TO YOUR BUTTS.

PS - The closest thing to the 'hold on to your butts' clip on YouTube is this terrifying thing that someone with at least half of a brain and two arms actually made and thought was a good idea. You know those stats like 'Every hour, 3.4 trillion days of video is uploaded to YouTube'? That's because 3.3 trillion of those days are crap like this.

PPS - If any of your friends from rival schools give you shit about UW losing last week, just slap this in their grill and they'll shut up real quick:

CHICAGO BADGERS: You're on your own. I'll just let you know that FatPour - a new Badger bar in Wicker Park - opens this Friday. But you can't go without me because that would be totally unfair, since I wanna go and go to Big Star after and live forever and look at those fucking hipsters.





  • Nolan Bushnell, Founder of Atari and Chuck E. Cheese's. Why of COURSE those were founded by the same guy. True story: The last time I was at Chuck E. Cheese's, a woman started giving birth right there next to the freaky 'band' of robots that haunts kids' dreams. They had to call an ambulance and everything. Maybe I don't get how pregnancy works (I HAVE NO IDEA), but I like to think that my future-wife will be nowhere near a Chuck E. Cheese when she's 9 months preggers. I also can't wait for my future-wife to be pregnant so I can justify eating Taco Bell 9 times a week. It'll be a competition to see who gains more weight. Good thing I won't have to birth my food baby.
  • Randy Bott, #1 Professor in the U.S. according to I completely forgot about this site. Such a fantastic idea - Yelp for teachers. What percentage of professors check out out their rating? Had to be at least 90%, right? Did the hardasses that worked the bell curve ever change their ways after they saw how much they were hated, or did they just keep on being dreadful? On the flip side, if I'm Randy Bott, I'm dishing out A's like it's nobody's business. Total brofessor.
  • Jan Shipps, Preeminent non-Mormon expert on Mormonism and Professor Emeritus of history and religious studies in the School of Liberal Arts at Indiana University-Purdue University. Only because that is the single most obnoxious title I've ever seen attributed to someone.
  • Nathaniel Baldwin, Inventor of headphonesThis.
  • Kevin Curtis, NFL Wide Receiver. A white wide receiver from Utah State? SHOCK THE WORLD


Utah State's not the only Aggie around, and I realized I had no idea what an Aggie actually was. Their mascot is something named Big Blue, which in no way, shape or form helps me understand. Then I dug around and realized Aggie was just a diminutive form of Agricultural (Wikipedia's words, not mine, diminutive is a big word). Now I feel dumber than I did 5 minutes ago.

I don't get why they're not the Utah State Bulls, because check out Big Blue:

You know how people used to talk about 'the gay ear' when getting your ear pierced (I'm pretty sure this is only for guys)? Is there a gay nostril? Just thinking out loud here. Also, this:

For a few years, USU used an actual white bull, painted blue, which was brought to sporting events and corralled on the sidelines. However, when the Smith Spectrum was built, there were concerns with the bull ruining the floor. For a short time, the bull was outfitted with rubber boots, which idea didn't pan out. The bull was retired, and a costume was designed in 1987.

Well isn't that just fucking ADORABLE? They made little booties for their killer bull mascot! I think I'm ready to jump on the Utah State Aggie Big Blue bandwagon.


10) Orange Halloween Wop/Jungle Juice

This is the only one on my list that I feel kinda dumb about, because I've only had Orange Halloween Wop 2-3 times. But those 2-3 times were AMAZING. And when I think of Halloween in Madison, I still cherish the memories (or lack thereof) from when it was actually an incredible weekend, not some over-regulated nightmare. Fo reals, nothing elevated Halloween to historic levels quite like Gatorade jugs filled to the brim with Everclear, 151, Sunny D, and the cheapest 3 liters of orange soda a man could buy.*

I have no idea why this drink made the list. Maybe it's just because if I ever hear that someone's making wop at a party (this never happens anymore), I get stupidly excited because you KNOW shit's going down. Someone's gonna do something crazy, and I'm gonna do everything in my power to make sure I'm there to witness it.

Let's talk about something else for a second, because I don't wanna talk about wop anymore. Do I have to start liking Bloody Mary's at some point? I think they're repulsive. It really just starts and ends with the tomato. A REFRESHER:

GOOD: Marinara sauce, pico/salsa
TOLERABLE: Chunky tomatoes on pizza
TERRIBLE: Ketchup, tomato juice

So why would I ever subject myself to a Bloody? And you know what, I feel VERY left out. People are always ordering these incredible looking drinks with jungles of vegetables and meats and cheese flowing out of them... and then I take a sip and feel like I'm drinking a melted ketchup popsicle. Which I suppose would just be ketchup. POINT STILL STANDS. I want to join the Bloody parade, but I can't get over the fact that they taste like shit. I will forever feel like a social outcast because of this.

*I love how some soda is so shitty that they basically just say, 'fuck it, put it in a 3 liter bottle and let the poor people feast on it'. FACT: You cannot buy 3 liters of anything good.


11) Three Story Beer Bongs On Dayton Street
12) Mountain Creek Power Hour

Honorable Mentions: Birthday Mug at the Nitty Gritty, World's Biggest Mixed Drinks at Quaker Steak & Lube, Old Fashioned at the Old Fashioned


Section 'O' vs. The Field in the Great Student Section Race

What do you think O's all-time winning percentage is? 60%? BETTER question: What do you think O's all-time winning percentage is in games against ranked teams or night games? I'm going with at least 96%. Everyone knows that O is the most fun section, so it's just logical to let them win and go nuts for Jump Around in an important game. Do you remember what happened last year against Nebraska? This video is absurdly good quality. If you watch that carefully, I'm pretty sure L and O COLLUDED to win the race after getting tripped up. From L's perspective, I don't really get it: Your loser students who showed up late don't get to celebrate, so why help O out? And then it clicked...

O is the only female contestant. Not only that, but she's a legit dime piece. Don't kid yourself into thinking that L would lay down and let N launch off his back. This is a clear-cut case of hoes before bros, and I really don't blame L for trying to get his nut in a 6:1 male to female universe. You bring a smoke-show to a sausage fest and all bets are off.

PS - I'll sit in O as long as it's socially acceptable for me to sit in the student section, but I'll always have a soft spot in my heart for Mr. K:

LOOK AT THAT 'STACHE. That's just class all the way. Do people go as these creatures for Halloween? My future-wife and I are going as K and O for Halloween and we're just gonna laugh at the idiots that show up with the socket and plug costume. Really clever, guys. Did you come up with that idea on your own? Never seen it before.

Students Trying to Rush the Field vs. Camp Randall Security

I think it's pretty safe to assume that if we somehow pull off this upset, the students will want to rush the field. This could be the kind of win that launches our program to new heights, AND it's a night game. So I definitely understand where the students would be coming from. If we somehow shocked the world, I know I'd be the first one on the field. You only get so many chances to rush a field or storm a court in your life, and this could be one of those chances. But I just get this feeling that the head honchos in the athletic department are worried that rushing the field could be a precursor to burning couches and rioting throughout Madison in the case that we somehow actually win. I'm guessing Barry told the security chief to prevent this from happening at all costs. Gonna be a real contentious moment if we win on a last second field goal and the first 5 kids on the field get tackled.


I'm on record saying this might be the second best commercial ever (after this guy). The cinematography... the editing techniques... all just superb. Plus those Doritos Locos Tacos are fucking sensational and I could eat a Dorito TBCGC forever and ever.

PS -

Alex Clare - Too Close (Internet Explorer)

Damn you Microsoft making me say something positive about IE. If you're reading this Preview right now in Internet Explorer, I want you do me a favor: Douse your computer in gasoline and burn it.

I can't remember what sporting event it was during, but this commercial was featured a bajillion times in 3 hours. Couldn't stop singing it then. Dire Straits are a really shifty group.


All about the Whispermonster, probably my Halloween costume and definitely my go-to animal in the Animal Game.


Confidence is low

The team is in disarray

We should just drink more


This is so mind-meltingly impressive that I'm starting to think that it's really just a 30 second clip being looped over and over like how Jack fooled the bomber in Speed. I remember when someone built the K'nex roller coaster and brought it in to our 5th grade science class. I thought it was the coolest thing ever. In retrospect, F that person they got no game whatsoever.

I am loving this bunny loving this balloon.

Sweet Brown is a fantastic name, and she's got a hell of a story as well.


HOMEMADE SOUTHERN COOKIN'. Occasionally we have a little pot-luck type lunch here at work - usually around holidays or birthdays. And let me tell you how much I freaking LOVE these days. Without digging too deep, I work with a very diverse group of people. We kinda alternate between down south cookin' like above or Mexican buffets filled with tortas, tostadas, flautas, and all the other wonderful Latino delicacies. Up above you can see chicken (I honestly have no idea what parts of the chicken I was eating, I just know that they had a jerk sauce that was supposed to be really hot and I dumped it on and couldn't breathe for a few minutes), a cornbread muffin, collard greens, and mac and cheese that was bordering on casserole status. I'm somewhat new to the collard greens game, but hot damn have I been missing out. They are AMAZING. I've had some bad greens, but few things are as tasty as good greens. I was raised in the wrong region. This ghetto booty belongs down South.


Another sunrise pic, this time from Colorado. And since the girl that sent it to me a) doesn't read these, and b) has a private Twitter account, I'm going to take ALL the credit. Don't you like how I framed up the shot? I probably should've used the Rule of Thirds and put the sun off-center, but I think the natural dissipation of the sunlight makes centering it an obvious choice. You also get the true Gradient Effect of light and color emanating from the elevating sun, all osmosising through wispy stratus clouds.

I bet at least half of that is accurate.


True Life: I'm Obsessed With Drawing Motion W's. I can't help it. If I'm gonna doodle during a meeting, it's a Motion W. If I come across a stray white board in the IT department at work, I'm gonna drop a hot Motion W right in their nerd faces.

Seriously, I've done it three times now, and I think the results speak for themselves:

Meh, could do better.

Significant improvement, but not where I wanna be yet.

SO close. Something about the furthermost right leg/arm/spire of the W just doesn't look right though.

But I don't stop at white boards and notepads. If you're a girl and you see me holding a pen at a bar, you should probably run in the opposite direction:

I'm so artistic.

One of these days, I'm gonna draw the perfect Motion W. I'd say I'll never draw another one after that, but we all know that's a LIE.


  • Savannah is not a state, and as a result, Savannah State is the worst team ever. Oregon and Utah are states, however, and their teams are, consequentially, really good.
  • Wisconsin fired its Offensive Line Coach after the 2nd game of the season.
  • Everyone knows that Mormons have excellent night vision.
  • I'm very excited to see the Book of Mormon when it comes to Chicago. IT'S GONNA BE SO GOOD.
  • Big Blue could eat Bucky for breakfast
  • I'm the only one wearing a Packers shirt at work today and the Packers are probably gonna lose tonight, making tomorrow a miserable day of getting shit thrown at me left and right.
  • Danny O'Brien is 0-1 in his last 1 starts, and therefore he is terrible and should be benched.
Add up all those facts and I have no idea how we're even favored in this game. I'm betting my outstanding college loans on Utah State +14, if you can bet money you owe. That sounds an awful lot like loan sharking. If you seriously think we're winning this game, you're outta your damn mind. THE PICK:




  1. real talk: I complained about the collusion in the student section race in the email they send to students after every game. I recommended I one game ban for both offending parties.

    1. Vegas woulda taken it off the board, no doubt in my mind.