Thursday, December 20, 2012

Pre-Rose Bowl Mailbag!

This could be the last thing you read before the world ends. Let that settle in. I'm gonna go get drunk, because I plan on riding off into the sunset completely hammered. Thanks for your questions. Rose Bowl Preview next week. On with the show...

Matt G:

What are you most afraid to encounter?.................... Earthquake, Tsunami, Tornado, Hurricane, Volcano, Mudslide, Flood

Reverse order:

7) Floods

Maybe this makes me an idiot, but I don't understand floods. Shouldn't all that water KEEP FLOWING somewhere? Humor me and pretend the earth is flat for a second, because the amount of land affected by a flood is small enough in the grand scheme of things that the slight curvature of it is immaterial. I SOUND LIKE A SCIENTIST. Anyway, I don't care how much water is pouring in, but how the hell does it accumulate that quickly in one condensed area? Even with all the buildings and trees and cars and other obstacles, why doesn't it keep on rushing out of there? Is there a minimum amount of water flowing in at a minimum amount of speed to make flooding a thing? Anyway, I would just hop in a kayak and get my aerobic exercise in for the day. No biggie. Applicable Movie: Titanic. A flood on a boat sounds super spooky.

6) Earthquakes

Aren't earthquakes really only unpredictable if you live on a fault line? I think that should be on any property listing: School district, square footage, proximity to fault lines. Applicable Movie: Knocked Up. Where I learned that earthquakes kill more bongs per capita than people.

5) Volcanoes

If you live in the shadow of a giant volcano, I'll assume that you have your volcano escape plan memorized and ready to execute should the mountain start steaming. But still, nothing is stopping the volcano from doing a MIDNIGHT SNEAK ATTACK a la Pompeii. I keep thinking they should've realized that shit was getting wrecked... but how would they have known? Volcanoes are kinda silent killers in their own right. Do you hear volcanoes erupting? I have no idea because I've never been within dying-by-lava distance of a volcano. At the same time, I would LOVE to make some s'mores over a nice lava pit. Applicable Movie: Dante's Peak. Why didn't the town listen to Pierce Brosnan? Grandma wouldn't have had to trudge through an acid lake (is that a real thing that happens?) if everyone just heeded Pierce's wise advice. Dude was in tune with volcanoes like Emilio Estevez knew that the ice could hold a limo in Mighty Ducks. You don't question this kind of genius.

4) Hurricanes

The only reason hurricanes aren't more terrifying is because they're probably the most predictable out of all of these disasters. Days before a hurricane makes landfall, we get weathermen everywhere showing us the badass hurricane symbol's path towards land. Obviously, once hurricanes get there they fuck shit up. No one denies this. But compared to the other destruction machines, we can at least say, 'Hey, hurricane a comin', prepare yourself cuz it's about to get weird.' I really hope Lake Michigan cannot spawn hurricanes. Applicable Movie: The Perfect Storm. Only thing worse than one hurricane is three hurricanes having an orgy on your fishing boat. Every time I watch that movie (not my fault it's on TNT every other week) I trick myself into thinking they're gonna make it. Yeah, no problem, George Clooney saved lives in an emergency room, he killed vampires, he stole Kuwaiti gold, he can captain a small fishing vessel through a triple hurricane. HE GOT THIS.

3) Mudslides

From Wikipedia:

mudslide is the most rapid (up to 80 km/h, or 50 mph) and fluid type of downhill mass wasting.


Mudslides definitely get the least amount of love in the world of disasters, but that doesn't make them any less frightening. I don't think there's any surviving you can do when a billion tons of crap come hurdling towards you at 50 mph. That's game over. Much scarier than avalanches, too, because a little bit of me thinks that you can just burrow out of snow and write your name in pee on your way out. Sounds like a fun little challenge. Mud's fucking gross, though. Applicable Movie: Jurassic Park. That mudslide absolutely wrecked Nedry's balance and made him lose the dino embryos. Of course, this was rendered moot when the Dilophosaurus nutted all over his face. But still, that was a tiny little baby mudslide that had enormous implications. I think.

2) Tornadoes

Oh, I dunno, just a giant cyclone of death that pops up whenever and wherever the fuck it pleases and throws cows in your face if you try and mess with it. Yeah, that sounds like fun. Why do people live in Oklahoma? I think it's the scariest state in the country simply because of its ability to hatch tornadoes whenever it feels like a little destruction. So unpredictable. So powerful. NO GRACIAS. Applicable Movie: Twister. A few thoughts, since I could go on for days:
  • Aunt Meg's breakfast looks so damn good. If there's not a diner in Wakita called "Aunt Meg's" then something is seriously wrong with the world.
  • Twister was the first DVD released and the last HD-DVD released. Circle of life.
  • The Dorothy system makes absolute perfect sense to me. I can't think of a single reason it wouldn't work. But I still cringe at the scene where they cut up all the cans to make the sensors fly better. Ever cut yourself on a pop can? That's like a paper cut on steroids.
  • I love how Jonas, Bill Paxton's decked-out-in-black nemesis, puts his pride over the obvious fact that he was DRIVING DIRECTLY INTO A GIANT TORNADO.
  • Jonas' assistant is one of the ULTIMATE 'that guy' actors around. Peruse his IMDb and you'll come across a thousand, 'oh, he's THAT guy!' moments. I like to think of him as a second-rate Paul Giamatti. 

1) Tsunamis

Tsunamis kinda combine a little of everything, which makes me want to cry. They rush in from the sea like a hurricane, flow in every crevice like a lava mudslide, and just when you think they're done murdering... they linger about in filth and debris like the world's dirtiest flood. Pretty much the worst thing on earth. Whenever people are like, 'don't litter! We must respect Mother Earth!' I wanna yell back, 'Bitch please, Mother Earth just dumped a tsunami that wiped out cities in the blink of an eye.' Don't get me wrong: Litterers are terrible people. I just think environmentalists need to remember that the planet they're fighting so hard to save never passes up an opportunity to drop a natural disaster on us. BONUS FACT:

There have been studies and at least one attempt to create tsunami waves as a weapon. In World War II, the New Zealand Military Forces initiated Project Seal, which attempted to create small tsunamis with explosives in the area of today's Shakespear Regional Park; the attempt failed.[39]

Isn't that just the cutest? Whose team was New Zealand on in WWII? I like that we were working on atomic bombs while they were figuring out how to splash water on people. That is SO Kiwi.

Applicable Movie: Deep ImpactDeep Impact is like Armageddon, except it's terrible, doesn't feature Bruce Willis drilling holes for nuclear warheads in outer space, and there were no documented cases of space dementia. But there is a tsunami of sorts in the movie, and people desperately scramble to get to high ground. Reality check: If a tsunami approached Chicago, where would I go for high ground safety? Wilmot? Again, really hoping Lake Michigan keeps its shit together and doesn't decide to fuck us up.

Rown P:

Recently computational neuroscience researchers have published a paper on the world's largest functioning brain model containing 2.5 million neurons (scale). This model is able to "think" about it's environment and respond to patterns in a "learned" response. Future research could result in models that develop a form of phenomenology, if not consciousness   An advanced model of this type could be put it in a state of constant agony - arguably creating a hell on earth.
Would "real" Brett Bielema empathize with this simulation, or be too busy trying to get plastered hogs to tongue his rusty ring before being banned from undergrad bars?

It just dawned on me what you meant by 'tonguing his rusty ring' and I want my money back.

I was curious if 2.5 million neurons was a lot, so I checked out the link. 2.5 million neurons falls somewhere betwixt cockroaches and frogs. So scientists have successfully developed a fake cockroach-frog brain. That's MIGHTY impressive. I'm just loving this list because humans are el NUMERO UNO, and I like any list where we're on top. Noticeably absent: deer. I'm going down in life knowing that I could destroy a deer in a one-on-one fight to the death, and I'd love to see that deer have like 17 neurons just to make me even more confident. I'll take 80 billion neurons over some awkward antlers any day, even on Tuesdays. I hate Tuesdays.

David W:

Do we have a better chance to win the rose bowl pre or post BB?

Gotta be post-Bielema. The best part of this whole debacle has to be the loaded quotes from players about playing for Barry. Without directly trashing Bielema, they've been lauding Barry and gushing over how excited they are to play for him. I don't have the quotes handy, but I think it was Borland who said when someone at Wisconsin talks about 'Coach', they know  who they're referring to. SPOILER: It's not Bielema.

So it really just comes down to how much you buy into all the cliches and hype. Are they actually more fired up to be playing for Alvarez? Or are they just spouting off the things that they should be saying right now? From a gameplanning perspective, not a whole lot will be different: Barry will let the coordinators and assistants handle that. But as a lot of you like pointing out, Bielema was a pretty awful game clock manager. After seven (I think) years away from coaching, will Barry be ready to make the decisions that could be the difference between defeat and glory? I say YES.

Kylie Z:

What are you 5 LEAST favorite articles of clothing?

In reverse order:

5) Neon green biker shorts

Now, you might be saying, 'WTF?' And you're right. What the fuck? For SOME reason, when I was a child my mom decided to dress me in NEON GREEN SKIN TIGHT BIKER SHORTS for a picture. And I don't mean she took out a polaroid and took the pic herself - we went to a photo studio thing. So there I am, posing like a jackass, in neon green spandex biker shorts:

The worst part was most definitely that this picture hung framed on a wall in our house for years. Eventually, I got too sick of my friends laughing at it and destroyed it in secrecy. No one ever noticed that it disappeared. But I promise you this: I will recreate this picture with my future-son. I will laugh laugh laugh the entire time. And I will dream of the day that he's old enough to hate me for it, just so I can explain that it was a Rifkin rite of passage. We don't do normal.

4) Turquoise pants

Yep, totally don't understand this trend. You might argue that since I am not technically a woman, I wouldn't understand. But F that. Don't gotta be a woman or a fashion guru (but I AM a fashion guru) to know that those turquoise pants are outrageous in all the wrong ways. The way I see it, their main problem is that turquoise is a bullshit color. Why you gotta take an awesome color like blue and GREEN it all up? Shockingly, they look equally as terrible on men:


3) Socks that go above your ankles

I'm a no-show guy. Have been since I can remember. Not only do socks look terrible when they're all up on your leg, but I was always irritated by the feeling of them. Maybe part of this is that I'm well-endowed in the calf department and high socks don't play nicely with them, but you couldn't pay me enough money to wear a non-no-show sock. I don't even want you to be able to tell if I have socks on when you look at me in shoes. My current favorite no-shows are the black Reeboks that I cannot find ANYWHERE on the internet. Maybe they upgraded. I legitimately look forward to black Reebok no-show days. I save them for important events, like day drinking and any non-Tuesday day.

2) Khakis

This isn't even funny, but it does explain some of the reasons I can't stand khakis. They're awful. Every weekday that I have to wear them to work is the single worst day of my life. Do they beat jeans in any category? Looks? Jeans. Comfort? Jeans. Not feeling like an asshole? Jeans. Ability to double as a paper towel while leaving zero evidence? JEANS. Considering my legs spend 95% of the workday under my desk, there's no reason I can't look good and feel good all day long.

We've been in casual mode for the month of December, which means jeans and a t-shirt every day. I've pretty much had a boner the entire month. It's the greatest thing in the world. When I started here, we had like 3 months of casual dress to raise money for a good cause. I had just wasted all this money buying khakis to begin pretending to be an adult, and then I get to work and they're all, 'Oh yeah, don't worry, we're casual for three months.' GLORY GLORY. That news was better than every present I've ever gotten in my entire life combined. I just glide around the office when I'm in jeans. Know what happens when I'm in khakis?

I swear that's not the result of me being fat. The arm rest of my chair got snagged in the pocket of my khakis and ripped. This has never, and will never happen with jeans because jeans aren't bitches and they know how to take a punch. If I could abolish three things in the world, it'd be hunger, khakis, and poverty. In that order.


Vibram FiveFingers were originally targeted to yacht racers to maintain grip on slippery decks without compromising the barefoot experience.[9] Their potential use as a minimalist running shoe was suggested to the Vibram CEO by Ted McDonald, a runner who earned the nickname "barefoot Ted" for his unshod feet and successful career as a barefoot running coach.

I hate everything about that. This guy's original idea was to help yacht racers, and assuredly he fell ass backwards into money when he realized that there are millions of freaks in the world that would love to walk around in these things. So unfair. So frustrating. Whenever I see someone on the train with them, I have to use a lot of restraint to not yell, 'WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE WITH YOUR STUPID TOE SHOES' in their face. Ugh.

PS - Bonus top 5 favorite clothing items:

4) Red bows (men need not apply, girls please keep wearing them even after football season, thank you in advance. Also, do redheads wear red bows in their hair? Or is that a little much?)
3) Thermals (big part of the reason I love fall so damn much)
2) Hoodies (ditto)
1) T-Shirts (vague, general, but I refuse to stop wearing t-shirts just because I'm some kind of fake adult)

PPS - I'm more or less sure that these lists don't make any sense.

Rachel S:

Words of encouragement for those of us making the trek to Pasadena for the THIRD time in a row against a very good Standford team, particularly in light of this Bielema news? Also, justify your decision not to go - or, try. Because seriously, it's the Rose Bowl.

Regardless of the result, you need to appreciate that you're going to a sporting event at one of the top 3-5 venues out there. Rage on a sprawling golf course with mountains all around you in the shadow of a perfectly old-school and classy stadium. Take comfort in the fact that Barry Freaking Alvarez will be leading the Badgers out of their tunnel on a mission to shut up every pundit and 'expert' out there trashing us for being in the Rose Bowl with 5 losses. In all likelihood, THIS will be Barry's last game - and it's in a place he's succeeded on more than one occasion. The Rose Bowl is going to dilute in value once the playoff system is implemented, maybe even to the point where winning it isn't all that special. So there's a lot on the line this year. Especially because a certain ex-coach went O for Ojibwa in Rose Bowls.

As for why I'm not going, it's a multitude of reasons:
  • Went the last two years
  • We lost the last two years
  • Ergo, it's my fault and I should never go to a big game again
  • It's stupidly expensive to fly out there, almost as if BIG AIRLINE knows that a bunch of people want to fly out from the Midwest to California for New Years.
In my mind, that's enough justification. I'm sacrificing myself so we can have a chance of winning. Never question my dedication or loyalty to UW.

Tim S:

1. What were the odds Leckrone would outlast Bielema?  Is Leckrone now on Castro/Queen Elizabeth status?

It has reached the point where I wouldn't call you crazy if you tried to convince me that Leckrone is actually a robot of some kind, programmed to play the same crappy halftime shows over and over until the world actually ends. AND OUR HALFTIME SHOWS ARE TERRIBLE. Other bands are out there doing video game songs, playing Gangnam Style, doing superhero theme songs... and we're doing ROOTIE TOOTIE JAMS FROM THE 1950'S: A LECKRONE SPECIAL. I despise it. There's this myth that floats around that we have the greatest band in the land or some crap like that. LIES. As long as Leckrone is in charge, we will keep trotting out the same boring crap that he's subjected Badger fans to for decades. It'd be like having a football coach that refuses to embrace the forward pass. Although, if there was a school that could get by some games without the forward pass, it'd definitely be Wisconsin.

Let me topsy turvey this for a second: how did you come up with Castro and Queen Elizabeth? Do they have anything else in common other than clinging to power for a bajillion years? Do you think they've ever met? Are they actually still alive? I THINK THIS PICTURE OF THEM IS FAKE:

In my wildest of dreams, they're colluding together to take over the world. And she calls him 'Fidelio'. I'm very vividly picturing the Queen saying, 'Ooooo, Fidelio!' and enjoying it way too much. Probably not healthy.

2. Trivia question: In the past 3 years who will have the most Rose Bowl appearances?  Wisconsin, Ohio State, or Michigan?

Unfortunately we're tied with them for most Rose Bowl victories over the previous three seasons. SOON TO CHANGE.

PS - Whenever you're feeling a little down, just remind yourself that you don't have to root for the Cavs, Browns, Bengals, Indians, or whoever their hockey team is if they have a hockey team. I'm not one to buy into higher powers, but somewhere along the line someone in Ohio must have really fucked up and pissed someone off upstairs.

Sid K:

Say that Bo Ryan and Barry Alvarez asked you to come up with a way to determine which of the two are more awesome. How would you decide (would you go on past merits or create some type of badger Olympiad) and who would win?

I think the obvious solution is to determine which professional wrastler they would be:

  • An all-time great that has won titles, but never won THE title
  • Both are known for their rage, spontaneity and quick wit (those words are right off Piper's wiki page and describe Bo Ryan to a T - which he gets when he's displaying said rage)
  • Piper is a WWE Hall of Famer, and Bo Ryan is in like 12 different Hall of Fames
  • Few people in wrastling history gave a better interview than Rowdy Roddy. Ever listend to a Bo Ryan press conference?

  • Get the obvious out of the way: These guys have some impressive streaks under their belts. Barry has won 3 straight Rose Bowls; The Undertaker capped off a 20-0 record at WrastleMania last year.
  • We're talking about a couple of big honkies. The Undertaker comes in at a meager 6'10, while Barry is no slouch himself as a former Nebraska linebacker.
  • They understand the significance in finishing moves: The Tombstone Piledriver and Victory Formation mean LIGHTS OUT. GAME OVER.
  • Arrogant, fearless, and the faces of their respective organizations for years.
And what would happen if Rowdy Roddy Piper faced off against The Undertaker? It'd only be fair to put these superstars in the spotlight of WrastleMania, and just like Barry's Rose Bowl streak, that 20-0 would quickly become 21-0. I'm going with Barry Alvarez.

Aaron W-O:

Does the playoff system mean we have a better chance of making the Rose Bowl because Ohio St. will make the national semifinal a lot and we will only have one conference loss, to them, which means we will benefit by not playing(and losing) in the B1G Championship Game and then get picked for the Rose Bowl? 
Will it even mean anything when we go to this diluted version of the Rose Bowl 2 out of every 3 years for the foreseeable future?

It's a good point, and I tend to agree that this will dilute the value of the Rose Bowl. The team's goal every year should be to win a National Championship. The problem with that is there are years where going undefeated or losing once would immediately make that impossible. With the new playoff system, however, making it to the National Championship isn't quite as difficult. I like to think that most years, winning the B1G will get you to the playoff. So the Rose Bowl could very quickly turn into the second place B1G team's destination. And right there, it's lost some of it's allure. It's no longer the best our conference has to offer vs. the best the Pac-12 or 14 or whatever they are has to offer. Truthfully, that's already changed (see: TCU). So not only is the Rose Bowl slowly losing its tradition - it's also slowly losing its significance. When you see the 4 team playoff in action and you're going to Pasadena, how will you not feel like you're missing out?

This is also part of the reason that Bielema is an idiot for thinking he has a better chance at winning a National Championship at Arkansas. Sure, some years the top two teams from the SEC will go to the playoff, but is he really banking on 1) comfortably sliding into a top two finish in the SEC or 2) a second place team from the SEC getting that last spot over a conference winner from elsewhere in the country? Meanwhile, a one loss B1G champion will almost assuredly make the 4 team playoff, given that they didn't miss out on all the top teams in the conference. What's easier? Beating OSU or finishing ahead of Alabama, LSU and A&M? This is simply part of the reason that football wasn't why he left for Arkansas.

Danny G:
Would you rather:a) Badgers lose the Rose Bowlb) Badgers win the Rose Bowl, but Montee Ball is named MVP

We must establish the fact that I do not actually hate Montee Ball. Quite the opposite. He's been an awesome Badger and for the most part, a great representative of our university. I simply do not understand why he blocked me. Something I said in one of these previews must have offended him, and I struggle to really find anything that egregious. I read a post on Outkick the Coverage about when and why sports personalities block people on Twitter. It's key to point out that these are media people, not athletes themselves. But it's still interesting to see their reasoning. The author listed 4 reasons:
  • Threatening him or his family
  • Obsessively calling him gay
  • Constantly tweeting negativity - and none of it is funny, interesting, or smart
  • Constantly asking for answers to questions or wondering why he won't debate their opinion
And who could disagree with that list? I've never blocked anyone on Twitter because I have 500 followers, not 50,000. But it appears that Montee has a fifth rule where he blocks anyone that says anything remotely negative about him in any medium. You don't have to tweet at him (although I did occasionally - and nothing but positive statements), but if he finds out you said something that could possibly be construed as negative, BLOCKHAMMER.

It sucks, but not much I can do. So to answer your question, we better win this damn game and I hope Montee rushes for 10,000 yards and 50 touchdowns. Like Barry said, he didn't come back to mess around. He's here to win.

Jeff W:

If Bret Bielema had a Dimo's pizza named after him, what would be on that pie?

I decided to consult with the true Dimo's expert: Dimo himself. Here's what he had to say:

On to the pizza for the guy... The pizza would feature shredded pork shoulder, apples, caramelized onions, be topped with cheddar and brown gravy and finished with red cabbage with fennel. It would be called....The Greedy Pig. The name is crucial.
Secondary titles that didn't make the cut were:
Two Timing Tortellini Traitor, Benedict Bielema, B^3 (Backstabbbing benedict bielema, Brutus & the get the picture.

I like all of that, except I think it should feature pork belly instead of pork shoulder. You know, because:


Kelly N:
When did it get hip to call Miami "South Florida" and Dallas "north Texas"? Especially because some blowhard like Al Michaels will sound it sound out like "south Flor-ih-duh". And don't even get me started with calling that shit hole in the desert Phoenix "Glendale". Is Green Bay going to be North Wisconsin for the Super Bowl were never getting in 2027? 
That's all.

It's a good observation, and I have no idea other than if you have to refer to the same cities year after year after year, you maybe wanna mix it up a bit. Texas and Florida are also massive states, and I bet most people don't know where Dallas is in Texas nor do they know where Miami is in Florida. Rule #1: Never underestimate how stupid people are.

Man. A Super Bowl at Lambeau would be AWESOME. Forget for 10 seconds that the logistics of that many people needing to find hotels and cars and all that jazz in Green Bay is damn near impossible, but a Super Bowl at Lambeau, in the snow, with a billion people watching? Incredible. Nothing would be cooler. Bonus points because the Packers would for sure be the first team to win a Super Bowl in their own stadium (I don't think any team has even appeared in a Super Bowl on their home field). That's just something that Aaron Rodgers would do because what Aaron Rodgers wants, Aaron Rodgers gets. Except for a good PR team. I can't stand his commercials.

It would take a truly outside-the-box solution to cram that many people into Green Bay for a weekend, but if it happens, I hope Al Michaels is there to tell us about the magical evening in Northern Wisconsin.

Greg M:

If you could only follow 1 account on twitter, who would it be and why?

This is damn near impossible. It doesn't matter what account I name - at least three people will think I'm an idiot. But I'm going with Deadspin. One of my other contenders was Drew Magary, but anything he writes for Deadspin will be linked from the main Deadspin account, so I got that covered. And I'm willing to bet if you looked through every tweet I've ever retweeted (can't even explain how badly I wanna do this - very excited to be able to download all of my tweets and run some HARD nerd analytics on them), Deadspin would be one of my top 3 most retweeted accounts. It's pretty simple: They have multiple posts every day that are well-written, funny, and interesting. Isn't that what the internet's for? I can't pick a guy like @DadBoner because at some point he's going to die. None of my friends are cool enough. I don't get off on the popular comedian accounts.

So after scrolling through hundreds of accounts that I follow, I have to settle on Deadspin.

PS - This only makes sense if I can't access the content of any other Twitter feeds. I can't go to if I don't pick @CNN as my one Twitter account. No ESPN. Right? Isn't that how it should work? I give up.

Ron S:

Now that Bielema is moving to Arkansas, do you think he'll marry his cousin?

The best part is that Ron is not 15 years old - he's a real adult with kids and a mortgage and all those adulty things. This gives me hope that I never have to get mature. Thank you, Ron.

Ryan G:

HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION: Let's assume that Badger fans could all ban together and chip in their own money to get Barry Alvarez to coach the Badgers for the next two years. How much would you be in for? I'm in for $500-1,000. This is a substantial proportion of my reasonably accessible liquid assets. I'd essentially be willing to bring my checking account into double digits.

This may have been more apt when we didn't have a coach, but in no way, shape or form would I contribute money out of my pocket for something like that. Barry coaching for anything more than the Rose Bowl would have only been detrimental to the program. It'd be putting a wad of gum over a leak instead of docking the ship and repairing it correctly. Every single coach recruiting a kid we were going after would simply have to point out that they wouldn't know who their coach would be in 2 years. What kid would sign on for that kind of uncertainty? Certainly not a smart kid, and I like to think that we make an effort to recruit kids with good heads on their shoulders. Barry knew this, and that's why he made it known that this was a one game reunion tour. And then he went out and got a great man to take over our program.

I like the Gary Andersen hire. I really do. He took over one of the worst D1 programs and won 11 games with them in his fourth year - the crucial year for evaluating a coach. And in case you don't remember, it was his Utah State team that was a 37 yard missed field goal away from beating a certain Wisconsin Badger football team at Camp Randall. He's a defensive guru, a relentless recruiter, and a player's coach. That all works for me. And if Barry sat down and talked to him and came away impressed enough to hire him? GOOD. TO. GO.

Danny P:

1. Let's talk about ideal workweek schedules (insert oxymoron joke here).  What's the ideal here?  Let's say you have to work 40 hours a week - how would you go about spreading that.  Assume that you cannot work from home, everything has to be in the office, but can be any time of day or any day of the week.  

Rule out weekends right away because that's obviously insane. I have to work some Saturdays and there is NOTHING more depressing than telling someone you can't go out because you have to work. 'But it's Saturday?' I KNOW IT'S SATURDAY. You think I want to wake up at 7 am tomorrow and nerd it up?

Anyway, I'm gonna take the approach that many took in college (even though I couldn't) and make it so you have UNLIMITED 3 day weekends. Monday-Wednesday we're working 9-7, Thursday 8-6, Friday drunk. Do lunch hours count in that? I've never really been clear on it. Either way, I'll suck it up Monday-Thursday if it means I can go out Thursday night and not have to go into work Friday morning with sad eyes.

2. I'm literally drawing a blank on other questions.  I've been brainstorming for a good 10 mins..and have nothing.  Partially thought out ideas include a sequel to Con Air, urinal etiquette, handling situations where you forgot the other person's name, and monkeys.  Feel free to comment on any/all of the above.

Con Air 2: River Runners: No way Cameron Poe is foolish enough to murder people again, so after settling down with Tricia and Casey, Cameron decides he needs to get back to work. Fortunately for him, he proved he can be trusted around criminals. Larkin hooks him up with a job in the Felon Transfer department of United States Marshal's Office. His first assignment? Keeping order on a prison transfer via riverboat down the Mississippi.

What starts as a paid cruise vacation (cut to a scene of the guards drinking fine scotch and playing poker after breaking into the ship's casino while Poe looks on disappointingly - 'I came here to do my jawb, not socialize with you hooligans') quickly gets serious as an unidentified vessel most likely from Mexico forces the riverboat into shallow waters, breaching the hull (these are boat terms I think). The prisoners are moved from below deck as water begins rushing in like the Titanic. One of the prisoners is thrown overboard by Pinball, which makes no sense because Dave Chappelle isn't acting anymore and Pinball died in Con Air. The camera slowly zooms in on Cameron Poe's face as he lets out an exasperated 'Not again....' in his finely honed southern drawl. At this point I should point out that he's had a fauxhawk for the entire movie.

Poe uses smoke signals from a fire started by felons to communicate with Larkin, who commandeers the tugboat that the felons demanded after the boat's engine was sabotaged by the token-good-guy-just-getting-a-ride-home on the boat. Larkin decides the safest place to take the flame-engulfed riverboat full of murderers and rapists is New Orleans, because, yeah, that's a terrible idea.

Not only is New Orleans densely populated, but Larkin tugs the convicts in during Mardi Gras. Thousands of drunks see a flaming ship and assume it's all a part of the act (I base all my Mardi Gras knowledge on the Rio hotel in Las Vegas). They begin cheering wildly until SWAT teams swarm the boat and beat the crap out of the bad guys. The movie should end there, but that'd be some weak sauce. A bloodied Poe begins chasing the leader of the uprising: Joey Buckets - named after his calling card of keeping the heads of his victims in buckets in his garage. Or something stupid like that.

After pushing through crowds of drunk twenty-somethings, Joey Buckets gets on a Ferris wheel. He also has a bunch of beads on because that seems logical. Poe and Buckets take turns shooting at each other from their seats on the Ferris wheel, never hitting each other because James Bond Bad Guy Marksmanship rules apply. Buckets is able to exit the Ferris wheel and smashes the control box, leaving Poe stranded 50 feet off the ground. Fortunately, there's a palm tree next to the wheel, even though this is New Orleans and not Santa Monica. Poe slides down the tree with an avalanche of coconuts, says 'Aw, nuts!', and then resumes chasing Buckets.

Right when it looks like Buckets is about to escape, he trips and lands in a kiddie pool full of alligators and stingrays, because if it just had alligators it would be pretty run of the mill. As he is devoured, Poe looks down and picks up what tripped Buckets: a stuffed bunny. Since we're in New Orleans, this is an actual stuffed, dead rabbit. Not a toy like the one he gave his daughter in the first movie. Poe approaches Larkin and tells him, 'Just so's ya know, Marshal Larkin, there's now four people I trust. One's me. One's you. One of them is this dead rabbit. The fourth will remain a mystery for no apparent reason.'

Poe returns home with the stuffed rabbit, gives it to his daughter, who is absolutely fucking terrified and throws it in the fireplace. Poe calls his wife his hummingbird as his daughter gently weeps about her crappy souvenir that she had to burn. The end.

PS - Just kidding, it's not over. Steve Buschemi returns as Garland Greene and the movie ends with him drinking a 96 ounce Long Island Iced Tea on Bourbon Street passing out beads to unsuspecting lasses. He may or may not be wearing lipstick and his eyes are definitely in 'creepy, devious, definitely-has-a-plan' googly mode. 'Gimme Back My Bullets' kicks in. Fin.

Urinal Etiquette: Unless it's an absolute emergency, don't poop in the urinal.

Forgot Someone's Name: I've literally just started saying, 'I'm terrible with names and I don't remember yours.' A little self-deprecation goes a long way. Also, blame alcohol.

Monkeys: If monkeys had bathrooms, I can all but guarantee they'd poop in urinals. I think there was a deleted scene from Dunston Checks In where Dunston leaves a fudge monkey in Mrs. Dubrow's private bathroom. 

Thanks again for your questions. Merry Christmas to those of you that celebrate, and to all, a Happy Festivus.

PS - It's snowing and I'm finally happy. No way I'm the only person that loves the sound of falling snow, right? Right?


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