- Brought DOB in to run the offense, he sucked, was replaced by a freshman who started looking good until he broke his shoulder, and now we have a 5th year senior with THREE ACL surgeries behind him taking snaps.
- Lost to Oregon State, who held Montee to 61 yards
- Fired our offensive line coach after that game
- Beat Utah State only because we had an 82 yard punt return for a touchdown and their kicker missed a 37 yard field goal at the end of the game. UTAH STATE
- Lost by 3 to Nebraska in a game where we brought a QB in cold off the bench to run the 2 minute drill. Perfectly logical.
- Lost in OT to MSU after giving up a late TD to tie it.
- Lost in OT to OSU in a game we dominated statistically.
- Lost in OT to Penn State
5 losses by a combined 19 points. And hang on, let's talk about that Penn State game for a hot minute. If you were paying close attention, you may have noticed the number '42' on PSU helmets and this guy on the sideline:
That's Penn State linebacker Michael Mauti. He recently injured his knee badly enough that he could not play against Wisconsin - Senior Day. I'll preface this by saying that it is quite sad for a kid to get hurt before his last collegiate game. I truly think it is. BUT GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK ESPN.
You're supposed to give an independent broadcast lacking any bias or favor, yet your entire production was centered around Mauti and how brave and strong everything Penn State is. He hurt his knee. It sucks. But last I checked, HE DIDN'T DIE. This isn't a fucking Disney movie. Gerry Bertier getting smoked by a drunk driver in Remember the Titans is a MILLION times sadder and that's a goddamn MOVIE.
Do you know why teams put initials and numbers on their jerseys/gloves/bats/helmets? To honor people that have passed away. Former owners. Legendary players. Humanitarians. NOT for guys with busted knees. I wonder what's going through Curt Phillips' head seeing people fawning over Mauti and his busted knee when Phillips himself has had THREE freaking ACL surgeries.
I doubt I'd be this worked up over it if ESPN didn't cut to him jumping up and down on the sidelines (I'll spare you the 'he doesn't look very hurt...' observation... OR WILL I?) in his jeans after EVERY FUCKING PLAY. Combine that with the shots of brave Penn State fans standing up to adversity (VOM.COM/KILLME.jpg) and our sad, predictable demise, and you get one of the worst 3 hour broadcasts in ESPN history.
PS - Not going for two for the second consecutive week to prevent an overtime where you just KNEW we were gonna lose is beyond frustrating. Our ticket to Indy has been punched for weeks, GO FOR THE KILL BIELEMA.
PPS - The sooner this abomination of a football season is over, the better off we'll all be.
SHAMELESS PLUG: Last chance to donate to my Movember cause. Think of the countless hours I put into these just for YOUR enjoyment. To those of you who have donated, I thank you. I like you more than everyone else.
PS - Can't wait for 12/1, mustaches are terrible, and mine is such a pathetic attempt at one that I've brought shame and dishonor to my family's name.
WHO/WHERE/WHEN
TV: FOX
WEATHER: INDY IS A TROPICAL PARADISE AND THIS GAME IS INDOORS, YOU PROBABLY DON'T EVEN NEED CLOTHES
THERE IS MUCH MORE TO NEBRASKA THAN MEETS THE EYE
How long would it take to get used to having just one eye? I covered my left eye just now and I'm pretty sure I'd walk into a bus or fall down a flight of stairs in about 30 seconds if I lost an eye. Things I never want getting fucked up:
- Eyes
- Crotchal region
- Spleen
- Orbital bone
- Back
I've never heard anything positive about spleens. If you're talking about your spleen, there's a good chance that you're in a whole world of hurt and I don't wanna play that game anytime soon. Or ever. And orbital bones. Fracturing my orbital bone makes me want to wear a helmet everywhere I go. There's no way that's a fun injury.
DID YOU KNOW... NEBRASKA HATES DEAF CHILDREN?
Hunter Spanjer says his name with a certain special hand gesture, but at just three and a half years old, he may have to change it.
"He's deaf, and his name sign, they say, is a violation of their weapons policy," explained Hunter's father, Brian Spanjer.
Grand Island's "Weapons in Schools" Board Policy 8470 forbids "any instrument...that looks like a weapon," But a three year-old's hands?
"Anybody that I have talked to thinks this is absolutely ridiculous. This is not threatening in any way," said Hunter's grandmother Janet Logue.
OK, first question on everyone's mind: Do you get to make up your own name sign? I used to think that deaf people would just sign the letters to spell out things like names and places... but this is much, much cooler. And more efficient! I've looked extremely white every time I've tried to pull off a complicated handshake, so there's a good chance that my name sign would be miserable. But based on the fact that Hunter's name sign involves weaponry, we can safely assume this kid is a fucking badass. If my name were Hunter I'd do the Shooter McGavin pistol move for sure.
PS - If I had it my way and I were deaf, I'd change my name to Marbles and just do this all day erryday:
What, you got a problem with my name?
DID YOU KNOW... PEOPLE THINK YOU CAN GO MOUNTAIN BIKING IN NEBRASKA?
DID YOU KNOW... PEOPLE THINK YOU CAN GO MOUNTAIN BIKING IN NEBRASKA?
That is what we in the industry call a #burnnotice. By industry, I actually have absolutely no idea what I meant. USE YOUR IMAGINATION
DID YOU KNOW... IT IS ILLEGAL TO HAVE SEX WITH A TRUCKER INSIDE OF A TOLL BOOTH IN NEBRASKA?
I won't even bother citing my sources on this one since it somehow makes perfect sense and really nails the whole Nebraska motif.
DID YOU KNOW... IT IS ILLEGAL TO ASSAULT YOUR WIFE WITH A SANDWICH IN NEBRASKA?
POLICE REENACTMENT:
The answers to your inevitable questions:
1) Those are tumbleweeds
2) This is the most graphic thing I've ever drawn and that alone should tell you how serious sandwich-on-women violence is
3) About 45 minutes after work today
MATCH-UP TO WATCH
Winter Olympics vs. Summer Olympics
TRUE, this would have been a billion times more relevant over the summer, but that doesn't matter.
SUMMER OLYMPICS
- How awesome is it that we have these superfreak swimmers that completely swim laps around those cocky Australians? HATE THE AUSTRALIAN SWIM TEAM, F YOU THORPEDO
- It is also pretty cool that we've renewed our role as global superpower in hoops. NOT SO BOLD PREDICTION: The US Women's team will never win an Olympic game by fewer than 68 points. They kinda get lost in the shuffle, but they're like Michael Phelps on a jet ski while the rest of the world is swimming with cinder blocks on their feet.
- It's not all good, though. It pisses me off that we do not have the fastest man in the world. This Usain Bolt business is GARBAGE. America should boycott him like he's Cuba. Pretend like he doesn't exist. I blame the unnecessary emphasis on anti-doping. We should be ENCOURAGING our sprinters to dope up as much as possible. I'm sick of this.
- Holy shit I got this far without talking about women's gymnastics? PREMIER EVENT. They are the closest things to ninjas we have in America. It's DOUBLY better considering we beat out the entire Soviet Bloc AND the dirty, cheating, 9 year old Chinese. Listen, I think Romney is a douche like most of you do, but he was all OVER that Chinese bullshit. If he was elected, we'd already have a task force doing carbon dating on Chinese gymnasts, and that's initiative I CAN GET BEHIND. #ROMNEY2016 #PROBABLYNOT
- Love that golf and baseball are not Olympic spots, but riding a fucking horse over puddles of water is. You know how they always say you gotta be rich to really train at an Olympic-caliber level? Does anything support that theory more than Equestrian Bullshit? No poor person has ridden a horse since the Battle of Little Bighorn.*
*I googled 'Important Native Americans' to get to that Battle of Little Bighorn. In case you were wondering.
WINTER OLYMPICS
- I'm tempted to call it in favor of the Winter Olympics ENTIRELY because of this. Nothing will ever top it. Nothing.
- Who is out biggest Olympic rival? Does China even dabble in the winter games? Maybe it's China in the summer and Russia in the winter? I'm shocked Russia is even allowed to compete in the summer. If you asked someone to say the first word that pops in their head when they hear 'Russia', wouldn't that list be pretty wintry? Cold. Bleak. Anonymouslyevil. Drago. Snow. Siberia. Fucking Russia.
- I'm still pissed about the USA/Canada hockey game from the last Olympics. That was some shit. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING would be better than beating the Canadians at their second best sport (no one fucks with a Canadian Curler) on their own ice.
- Is it me or are there more SCANDALS in the Winter Olympics? THIS IS A GOOD THING. I love a good scandal! There's an ENTIRE Wikipedia article dedicated to Olympic Games scandals and controversies? OF COURSE THERE IS. LET'S BEGIN:
- 1972 Summer Olympics - USA/Soviet Union gold medal hoops game. They replayed the last 3 seconds of the game THREE TIMES, basically saying, 'we're gonna keep doing this until the filthy soon-to-be Russians win'. There's an HBO mini-documentary about this - I love that the USA refused to accept their silver medals. Power move.
- 2000 Summer Olympics - Chinese gymnast Dong Fangxiao was stripped of her bronze medal because she was only 14. And I thought Dong was a guy's name. Credit: ROMNEY
- 2008 Summer Olympics - Cuban taekwandoist (badass title) Angel Matos was banned for life after kicking a referee in the face. He then punched another official. I hope I never get kicked in the face by an angry Cuban taekwandoist.
- 1994 Winter Olympics - Tonya Harding's ex-husband arranged for an attack on Nancy Kerrigan. I can't believe that actually happened... and that it doesn't happen more often.
- 1998 Winter Olympics - Some shit happened with ice dancing. Best part? Dick Pound, a prominent IOC official said that ice dancing should not be a sport anymore because there's such a strong perception of corruption in the judging. WHEN DICK POUND TALKS, YOU LISTEN.
- 2002 Winter Olympics - IOC members had to resign after it was uncovered that they took bribes to vote for Salt Lake City. Doesn't matter; still had the Olympics.
- 2002 Winter Olympics - Dual gold medals were awarded in pairs figure skating because that dirty French judge voted for the Russians over the Candians.
THE PICK: Winter Olympics.
RANDOM MUSIC I'M DIGGING HARD THIS WEEK
CKY - Disengage The Simulator
One of my biggest weaknesses is that I'm TERRIBLE at understanding what bands are singing. I pretty much never understand the lyrics as they're being sung. That's why I love these videos that have the lyrics added in. I'll read along and be like 'Yup, yup, makes perfect sense, let me try a line without looking at the lyrics. Nope, no fucking clue what he's saying. Something about a trying mind? FUCK.' Every time. Every song. It sucks.
Sisqo - The Thong Song
Does Ricky Martin get royalties for the 'she was livin' la vida locaaaa' line? He totally should. And for some reason, I'd really like to watch these guys hang out together:
The Top Gun Anthem
The video is worth watching simply because it splices scenes of jets attacking with a dude playing piano in a hanger and one guy shredding on top of an F-14. #badass
THIS WEEK'S GAME IN HAIKU
One win from Rose Bowl
We don't deserve it? So what
WIN IT FOR STAVE
YOUTUBE
When I tell people that cats suck and you're gonna turn into a crazy old catlady, this is exactly what I'm talking about. But fine, I'll admit that if you play heavy metal music and make them do a mosh pit, it's pretty funny.
I just pooped my pants watching this. Whales don't fuck around.
Russia.
I'll bet you a billion dollars I don't have right here, right now, that Greg is an only child.
FOOD PORN
I HAD A DELICIOUS THANKSGIVING DINNER FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER. Brussels sprouts (first timer!), green beans, baked potato, salad, and of course, skirt steak. With a little cheese grated on top of everything, because, Wisconsin. Everything was amazing, but I won't lie - I still missed White Castle. It was INGRAINED in my family's Thanksgiving routine, and we had to cut it off cold turkey. This must be EXACTLY what quitting smoking is like.
SKY PORN
Awesome sunset tonight in Madison, courtesy of my sister. It kinda sucks that I wasn't really in the #skyporn game when I was a student. It's not fun unless you have a camera that can at least kinda sorta handle it. So now I have to pray that my 1-2 trips up to Madison each year yield SPECTACULAR sunsets. Or just let my sister take care of it for me while I sit in Chicago. Both work.
LOOK AT THIS FUCKING BABY WITH A SMARTPHONE
I was at BW3 for football a few weeks back and I looked over and saw a table full of children playing with smartphones. Including this fucking baby that don't give a shit what you think. It's hard to tell from the pic, but this fool has the phone upside down. Obviously this was my reaction:
HOW TO SPOT A TOURIST ON THE TRAIN
Yup, that's a brand new iPhone just poking out of his pocket. At first, I thought about saying something to him. Then I thought 'what if I just swindle it from him and then give it back, to really hammer the point home?' And THEN I thought 'that's a terrible idea, what if he grabs your arm and breaks it for trying to steal his iPhone?' Then I almost missed my stop and got Dunkin' Donuts. Someone's probably selling his iPhone on Craigslist right now. I kinda feel like Carrie in Homeland. I COULDA STOPPED IT, I CAN'T LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN, SAUL HAVE I TOLD YOU LATELY YOUR BEARD IS MAGNIFICENT?
PS - If you're not watching Homeland then I question why you even own a TV. However much Showtime costs a month is worth it for the 12 episodes of Homeland you'll get. Claire Danes isn't hot, right? I mean, just about any dude would bone her. But she's not really hot, is she? This is kinda like that episode of The Office where they can't decide if Hilary Swank is hot or not (I say NO). MAKE IT RELEVANT: Hilary Swank was born in... Lincoln, Nebraska! She's also missing an 'L' in her name, was a Junior Olympic swimmer, and believes in a higher power, but is not a member of any organized religion. And she's not hot.
PREDICTION CITY
You can immediately rule out the reverse-jinx. I'm not playing that game this year. Even as I'm typing these words, I have no idea what to make of this game. Nebraska should win. They really should. They've been better in all aspects of the game this year. They're not on their third starting quarterback. Pelini did not lose 6 coaches, the best quarterback in the history of the world, and various other important pieces. But I'm still, SOMEHOW, not ready to count this Badger team out yet. Phillips has done just enough to make me think he might have a run left in him. The team will be as healthy Saturday as they've been all season. That means Borland is back patrolling the field, which is as good a thing as there is. So, fuck it. Let's beat these corn-eating assholes and go to a third consecutive Rose Bowl. Let the rest of the nation cry that 8-5 Wisconsin has no business playing in Pasadena on January 1st. Good luck getting Bielema to agree. And I have a feeling his boys won't give a shit either. LET'S DO THIS. THE PICK:
WISCONSIN 27, NEBRASKA 21. FINAL. OVERTIME. LOCK IT THE FUCK UP.
ON WISCONSIN
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