Thursday, November 14, 2013


It's Thursday and I still don't think I'm physically, mentally, or emotionally recovered from last weekend in Madison. RETRO DIARY:


1:00 pm: Took the day off. Slept in, grabbed some Potbelly, hit the road early in the afternoon. It's hard to emphasize how much better this is than leaving hurriedly at 6 pm, fighting through traffic, driving in the darkness of winter and showing up in Madison when everyone's already drunk. Can't say it enough: take at least a half-day from work and get there while the sun is still up. You will not regret it.

1:15 pm: Oh yeah, Potbelly's chicken enchilada soup is probably the best soup I've ever had. Good mix of veggies, actual, white-meat chicken... it's got it all. I'm dunking whatever sandwich I get in that soup and never looking back.

4:33 pm: Eagle has landed. There is a lot of construction going on in Madison. Gonna be a different looking city in the next 10 years.

5:00 pm: Posted up at the KK for FAC and the Badger hoops game. I've hated on the KK before, but this is a situation where it's more than just tolerable. Virtually everything in the bar is 2-for-1 (a couple of giant pitchers for $10, works for me), people aren't blacked out yet, and everyone's just happy it's the weekend.

5:45 pm: KK chicken tender basket, NOT BAD. It doesn't hold up to the Bullfeather's tender basket of freshmen year, but the tenders themselves were giant, and the ranch was on point.

6:00 pm: I don't know how or why, but basketball season sneaks up on me every year. That I'm watching a real, meaningful Wisconsin basketball game is blowing my mind, but I'm okay with that because #DEKKER.

7:00 pm: 12 point lead at the half, Gasser is moving well, Duje is contributing, and beer is flowing.

8:00 pm: I'll be honest and tell you that specifics are hard to come by for me right now. But we just scored 86 points in the season opener and it wasn't in the Kohl Center against North Florida A&M State. Impressive.

8:56 pm: The decision is made to go to a friend's apartment and play some beer pong (if you call it beirut, you are a moron). The realization immediately sets in that we're not in Chicago, and we have 4 minutes to run down to McTaggert's and grab some Natty. Nothing like a bunch of drunk guys running down Langdon with stupid smiles on their faces.

11:00 pm: Off to the Blue Velvet. At this point in the night I'm not SOBER.


12:30 am: Asian Kitchen, sweet and sour chicken, sauce on the side, steamed rice. If I told you I ate this before almost passing out in the lobby of the Lowell (I was not staying there), I would not be lying.

3:53 am: Text my buddy that I'm staying with that some girl was questioning my existence when I was trying to get in to his building. No clue what that means or where the previous 3 hours went. But I made it back to his place in one piece and with all my credit cards and clothing. BRANDON 1, MADISON 0.

10:00 am: Nothing is worse than waking up on someone's couch in a college apartment with Natty Light cans everywhere. You can't feel more disgusting. Only cure? A Natty in the shower and off to Wando's

11:00 am: I think this is the first time I've ever pregamed for a Badger game EXCLUSIVELY at a bar. I've eaten 3 cheese curds and a french fry and oh fuck it's time for a fishbowl race, where there are no winners and only losers.

1:30 pm: FASHION OBSERVATION: you are not a cool girl if you do not wear a red/black flannel shirt on gameday. EVERY SINGLE GIRL had one on. This isn't a complaint, because I think it's a good look. Just strange to see so many girls dressed EXACTLY the same.

1:45 pm: My old iPhone 4 gets knocked into a full beer a week after my iPhone 5 took a dip in the washing machine. I am currently having a bad run of keeping iPhones dry. This is not good.

1:55 pm: Off to Camp Randall, because I'm one of those weirdos that likes to get into the stadium before kickoff.

2:10 pm: Yelling far too many questionably-appropriate things about Mormons. But hey, I've read Wikipedia and I've seen Book of Mormon, so if anyone's qualified to talk all things Mormon, it's obviously me.

2:30 pm: Arrival at Camp Randall. View from the seats:

6:00 pm: I won't even pretend to give you some kind of rundown from the game.

10:00 pm: After a brief stint at the KK, it's off to the other KK: the Karaoke Kid. I will not be singing because nobody wants to hear that.

11:30 pm: Apparently not eating is a bad idea. Ian's on Frances cures that in the most delicious way possible.


10:00 am: On the road early enough to get back for the noon kickoffs. Not feeling 100%. Wouldn't have it any other way.

She's a pretty girl, that Madison.

CHICAGO BADGERS: Another early start to the day at Will's? Okay, that's just fine. Pretty sure I'm due for a raffle winner as well. I think those were the terms I made when I gave away the sundress I won - I need to be guaranteed another victory this year. Feels like a good week for that.

WHOA HEY THIS MUSTACHE IS TAKING OVER THE WORLD: Movember is cruising along, and my mustache is up to big things:

What's that? Some nerds in New York decided the Sears wasn't the tallest building in America anymore? F that. Change out the spires for some #BLONDESTACHE.

I'm a man who discovered the wheel, and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal, and brawnstache.

Mona Lisa rocking the #blondestache, and what appears to be a bit of cover-up? Famous billion dollar portrait day is a bad day for a blemish.

In case you missed it above, here's another link to my Movember page. Any donation helps. Remember: donate, beat cancer, don't be fat.




3) The Ultimate Bar Special Week

It's Sunday night. You need to be smart about this - otherwise you're just not gonna make it. So put the booze away. Swap it out for water; you're going to need gallons and gallons of water or your liver will punch your brain in the face until it taps out. Don't stay up too late, either. This is going to be a long and amazing week.

MONDAY: Dollar Beers at Vintage

The beautiful part? You're not limited to PBR or Miller Lite. And at a dollar a piece, those would still be good deals. Instead, you get any Wisconsin tap they have. Spotted Cow? Dollar. Alpha King? Dollar. Lake Louie Coon Rock? COON ROCK FOR A DOLLAR. I've never even had a Coon Rock and I'd buy 14 of them if it were Monday night right now and I were at Vintage. Can't believe I've gotten this far without mentioning that they have a killer patio (Big Star-esque in size and location?) and IMMEDIATE PROXIMITY to Ian's. Vintage just does their part in reminding the world that Tuesday, not Monday, is the true enemy.

Oh yeah, best part about Dollar Beer Night is definitely when the deal is about to end for the evening, and everyone buys 30 beers at once. Gotta LOCK IN that price.

TUESDAY: Flip Night at Brats

Brats is not the best sports bar in America. It's not even close. Let's get that out of the way. You can't have terrible, non-HD TVs and busted old projectors and call yourself the greatest sports bar that's ever lived. Nuh uh. Don't work like that.

However, we're not ranking sports bars here. We're talking about Flip Night. And Flip Night is genius.

Let's see: cram a ton of people into a sprawling bar on a night that typically sucks, let them essentially gamble to buy their drinks, give them a couple dart boards, and boom, you've got a Tuesday night worth blacking out for. Some people might just keep buying a $3 Miller Lite, hoping to get their flip right and pay less than a buck. Those people, my friends, are what we call cowards.

At its core, flip night is all about going big or going home, and guess what, you're going home wasted either way. Might as well go big. Buying rounds of Rumplemintz as a broke-ass college student felt like putting $10k on black at the roulette table. Your financial stability hanging in the balance. SO RISKY

WEDNESDAY: Beer & Shot Night at the KK

Enter the dungeon. Buy a beer. Get a shot. Watch the jersey-chasers. Nothing fancy, but it's the spot to be on a Wednesday night. And that's all I have to say about that.

THURSDAY: $15 Fishbowls at Wando's

We need to be real and accept one truth: fishbowls are pretty gross. They're the type of thing that Taffer would approve of because they're an established brand, but his arsenal of mixologists would shudder at the sugar and booze contents. Look at the faces of people engaged in hardcore fishbowl drinking: there's not a lot of enjoyment going on there. If your drinking leads to a brainfreeze, it's probably time to rethink the way you drink.

And with that said, I still love going to Wando's. Kramer was onto something, because the levels at Wando's make it some kind of drunken jungle gym with booze instead of children. This is probably why I love Burton's as well. Kind of scary that Drunk Brandon enjoys going places with lots of stairs. He's taken a tumble before. Not fun.

FRIDAY: Das Boot at Essen Haus

Fine, not an actual drink special, but it's definitely a unique kind of drink. Getting a big group and venturing off to Essen Haus (in my mind it's in Middleton even though it's pretty close) is ALWAYS a good time. I'm potentially biased because I think Beerfest is a cinematic masterpiece, but passing boots of fine German beer around in a circle is an activity I will forever enjoy.


4) Road trip with your friends to an away football game
5) Live on Langdon Street
6) Go to a Mallards game in the Duck Blind
7) Go drunk skinny dipping in Lake Mendota
8) Go to Ian's Pizza on Frances St. at bar time and devour two slices of Mac and Cheese pizza
9) Hook up in the Memorial Library cages
10) Steal a Terrace chair from the Memorial Union

Honorable Mentions: Shoutout posted in the Badger Herald, Wait in line overnight for tickets, Pontoon Porch


MGIII and James White vs. Indiana's weak, feeble defense

This is gonna get ugly. Looks like it's gonna be real windy and potentially rainy, so you can go ahead and expect a HEAVY dose of handoffs for Wisconsin. I suppose IU's defensive coordinator was planning on facing a vicious rushing attack regardless of the weather, but there's really nothing he can do to stop it. MGIII and James White will each EASILY go off for over 100 yards, and we might even get a healthy dose of the Corey Clement Show. When push comes to shove, you always wanna be the team with the human victory cigar. And if Clement is getting carries, well, good things are most likely happening.


Neko Case is oldish and beautiful. She loves signing about things other than herself. Like pretending shes a tornado or in this case the manliest of men. She's also in a band called The New Pornographers which kill it. Long live red haired women. (JQW)

I never understood why this song wasn't a hit like its album-mate, Stay Fly... An excellent cameo from Kanye, and a hot-as-fuck beat. (@DannyGoldin)

Because I'm off to see Third Eye Blind tonight and I couldn't be more excited. I know this is the last song they're gonna play, and that saddens me. I never get why bands don't just play for five hours. Who's preventing that from happening? When I saw Kanye at Summerfest a few years ago he played like 30+ songs. It was incredible. Ever go to a show and they play 15 songs? Such trash.


Here's one thing I know:

Their defense is terrible

Finna run all day

PS - Nothing makes me feel whiter than using 'finna'.


Oh, no big deal. Just Miley crushing Lana's song harder than anyone else in the world could ever crush it. It's weird... it's almost like she's actually super-mega-talented. #TeamMiley

I watched the first 60 seconds of this video thinking, 'eh, kinda cool, tough fuckin' stick'. And then the ending slayed me.

The guys that start screaming about the door are now in their mid-forties and travel to golf tournaments to yell 'GET IN THE HOLE!' after every drive. Those guys are the WORST.

PS - Yes, I know, fake, don't care.

I remember when my friends and I would jam, the drummer would always cry about how tired his arms got during this song. His arms got tired, so he didn't wanna play it. Yup.

Just got off the phone with my grandpa. Actual conversation:
Papa: You should meet the girl I got living with me, she's great. Me: Oh, you got a girlfriend now? Papa: Yeah, I can't live without one, I'm not like you. Me: ...
I just got hot fire third degree roasted by my baller 84-year-old grandpa. So I got that going for me, which is nice.


An absurd looking burger from Bavette's in Milwaukee. You can read the ingredients yourself in the background. I'm more interested in the presentation of this picture. I'm very torn when it comes to cutting burgers. A big part of me says that you should never take a fork and knife to a burger. It was made to be chewed with your bare hands. And there's something immensely satisfying about eating your meal in a nice place like Bavette's with your hands.

But I'll admit you can't get a good burger #foodporn pic unless you give it a chop. This is probably why anytime I've ever taken a pic of my burger at Kuma's, it's just a top-bun-off overhead shot. Plus, my burgers are never ordered rare (or medium rare, not sure what the burger in this pic is), so they never look this OH MY GOD RED MEAT-y. That's my justification.



Oooooo, MAMMATUS clouds! I took Weather & Climate freshmen year, so I am totally qualified to identify clouds on the reg. And I do! I love it: "Hey, should be a good sunset tonight, got some nice cirrostratus clouds in the lower atmosphere." I've actually said stuff like that, which is probably why my friends constantly tell me that there's something wrong with me.

This is also a pic that makes me really wish I had a nice camera, because there's no way my iPhone did this sky any favors that night. Here's what mammatus clouds can look like under the right circumstances:

So cool.


I caught this tree trying to have sex with a rock in a park in Bellingham Washington. Needless to say it was an embarrassing moment for all.
My dad wrote that sentence. And I'm not gonna lie, totally looks like that tree is just GIVING IT to the rock. Roots deep in it. Drinking that rock's bone juice. Drinkin' it reeeeal good.


Only two kinds of people get tattoos on their face:
  1. Freaks
  2. Murderers
That's it. No one else gets a tattoo on their face. I'm not talking about the cute little flower tattoo on the side of your neck under your ear. I'm talking an AK-47 unibrow death face. That's beyond scary. UPDATED SCARY LIST FEAR RANKINGS:

1. The Third Rail

"Don't mind me, just straddling a billion volts of electricity. I'm not crazy"

2. Cops on horses

60% of the time, slapping a police horse's ass turns into a bad idea every time. I think in general when it comes to horses, I'm with you, Eric Berry.

3. Face tattoos

Well they say the eyes are the groin of the face, so this is really just like getting your dick tattooed, except in your eyeball.

4. Raw Chicken

Mainly because I know how dangerous raw chicken can be, with its slimy salmonella covering every square inch of it:

5. Killer Whales

Oh, sweet, they can attack on the land? At least they don't have dead-ass murder eyes oh fuck yes they do.

PS - Right now I'm picturing a spooky person with their face tatted up to look like a killer whale and I won't sleep for a week. That person is my nightmare fuel. And I couldn't help myself:

PICTURED: Unknown male model with a fierce mustache. 


You want a prediction? FINE. We're gonna beat the crap out of IU. We're all gonna drink and laugh and have a blast. The weather will warm up a little. Some people will pass out by midnight; some people will drink until the sun comes up on Sunday. Will's will be hopping, and life will be good. IU fans won't care because they're busy having strokes watching their hoops team almost choke a game away to LIU-Brooklyn in Assembly Hall. Nothing else needs to be said. THE PICK:



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