Thursday, December 19, 2013

Pre-Capital One Bowl Mailbag!

Mark S:

Who would win in a fight: a hippo or a rhino?  To answer everyone's first question, the fight would definitely take place near the water. This would eliminate the advantage a hippo has in water and a rhino on land. Discuss in detail. Bonus points if you find a definitive video - I have been unsuccessful.

Pre-research, I'm going with a hippo 11 times out of 10. Hippos are TERRIFYING. They kill more humans every year than guns and drugs COMBINED*. They're nimble in the water and on the land. If you see a bloat of hippos coming your way, you do what we do: Run. Run your ass off.

Rhinos, on the other hand, just seem like out of shape, ugly unicorns. Like if a unicorn went on a bender doing nothing but drinking and eating  and hard drugs for months, it would look exactly like a rhino. I'm not scared of some junkhead unicorn.

HOWEVER, I have dug a little deeper and done some homework. I scoured for videos. I perused Yahoo! Answers. I surveyed Twitter.

These are my findings.

Sometimes, rhinos are just straight-up scared of hippos. If a hippo steps to a rhino, that rhino is going to run away with its ugly unicorn-reject tail between its legs:

And that was on LAND.

In a stare-down, #TeamHippo wins again.

This one's simple, though. Rhino-eye:


Rule #1 of any stare-down: the spookier eye always wins. Evil-eye beats crook-eye, crook-eye beats stink-eye, and hippo-eye beats rhino-eye. Plus, hippo-eye has a hint of gator-eye, and everyone knows that you don't fuck with gator-eye.

But what about that giant horn? #TeamRhino people are quick to point out that Rhinos have a giant horn on their face. In case the rest of us never noticed:

Triceratops have THREE horns, and the trike in Jurassic Park was the biggest boner in the bunch. Instead of one stupid nose-horn, hippos have lethal ivory canine teeth that make me want to cry:

When push comes to shove, I want the aggressor. And it's just a fact that hippos are the most aggressive animal on the planet. ALPHA HIPPOS.

WINNER: #TeamHippo

*Unverified fact.

PS - Did I watch an entire video of a rhino trying to get its nut with a hippo? MAYBE:

'Hey baby, mind if I grab a drink with you?'

If this hippo were human, this would be her flipping her hair and touching the rhino's arm. OPEN FOR BUSINESS.

'Before we go any further, there's something you gotta know: I have a kid. I hope that's OK.'

'Well, I don't really like kids, but come on baby, just the tip (of the horn)...'

'Oh HELL no!'

And that is why you should never try to shoplift some hippo pootie.

PPS - Remember Rocksteady from TMNT? Perhaps the most INFAMOUS rhino of all-time? Did you know before he was mutated into a rhino death machine that he was a short, stocky tool who wore camouflage cargo pants? You want this guy on your team?

Vivek G:

How long does it take to get over college sports HATE? 
For example, it's hard to hate Charles Woodson for winning a Heisman at Michigan (the only defensive player ever to do so!), he's one of the best Packers of all time.  You can't hate AJ Hawk for playing at Ohio St. (just kidding, you can definitely still hate AJ Hawk).  I only SOMETIMES have nightmare flashbacks of Steph Curry scoring 33 pts. on Wisconsin when watching him on the Warriors.  So when, if ever, is it the right time to forgive and forget?

Well I think if your pro sports team drafts a guy you hated in college, you have to get over that pretty quickly. I'll even expand that to fantasy sports, since only idiots avoid drafting players simply because they hated them in college. For example, I have Le'Veon Bell on my fantasy team this year. He went to Michigan State. I fucking hated him. But now that he's helping me win imaginary fantasy football games? LOVE HIM.

I've never for one second been angry about rooting for Woodson, AJ Hawk, or Jerel Worthy. I know guys don't give up their collegiate allegiances once they graduate to the League. But they're Packers. You're a Packers fan. You have to root for these guys.

With that said, if the Bulls draft Aaron Craft I'll just stop watching the NBA.

Tim S:

1) Rank the Tarantino films in order of preference.  We are only talking the ones he directed, not wrote or appeared in.  Watching Jackie brown right now.   Such a good film, and amazingly only number 4 on my QT power rankings.  #onecharmingmotherfuckingpig

I'm still including movies he appeared in as long as he directed them:

1) Pulp fiction. A no-brainer. Pulp Fiction is one of the single most re-watchable movies out there. Incredible cast, awesome story, memorable lines and scenes... it's really, really close to a perfect movie. That it's not filmed in chronological order only adds to the flavor. And that's the first time I've ever discussed the flavor of a movie. MMMM TASTES 5-DOLLAR-SHAKE GOOD

2) Inglorious Basterds. Because Nazi killing and Brad Pitt and bad Italian accents and swoon:

3) All of the Kill Bill movies. I have a hard time telling you where one ends and the next one begins, but I find myself always enjoying these movies. Splicing in some Japanimation amuses me more often than not, and I really liked any scene with Pai Mei:

4) Django Unchained. You know how I know this is a damn good movie? I watched it on my flight back from San Francisco, hungover, on no sleep, completely and totally uncomfortable... and still enjoyed it.

5) From Dusk Till Dawn. Fine. He didn't direct this movie. But he wrote the screenplay, so I'm bending my own rules and including it. This is probably the only movie on my list that you either haven't heard of, or haven't seen. The only convincing I'll do is tell you that it's got George Clooney (ladyboner alert) and Salma Hayek doing one hell of a seductive dance in it. Go watch it.

Honorable Mention: Reservoir Dogs. I really enjoyed it, but I think it can get a little slow in some parts. I'm not a movie critic.

I haven't seen Jackie Brown. Judge away.

2) Why does it take Jins/JDs so long to make a chicken sandwich?  It's legit 15 minutes.

Absolutely baffling. He must factor in 10 minutes of bullshittting time with each order, because there's no way it should take more than 5 minutes to throw some chicken on a bun, plop lettuce on top, and hose it down with hot sauce and mayo. That should be a 5 minute operation, especially considering he usually has a bucket of already-cooked chicken ready to rock.

PS - If you order the fish you should also walk into Lake Mendota and try to hold your breath for 15 minutes.

Jeff M:

Now that Movember is over for most (not me) give us your review of the month.  How was the mustache received?  Any chance you'll use Just for Men on your mustache next year? 

I think most people either didn't notice it at first, or just laughed at how pathetic it was. I don't blame them. What a fucking joke that I grow the lamest blondestache in the world.

I've been tempted by going the Just for Men approach the last two years, but isn't that kind of cheating? It strikes me as the equivalent of using HGH or steroids. I could either have a dark, manly mustache on roids... or rock my blondestache au natural. I'm going with the moral high ground.

Jamie M:

Who would win in a physical fight: Hodor or Hagrid? Would your answer change if it was an intellectual battle?


Hodor has GIANT'S BLOOD in his veins. He doesn't need witchcraft of muggletry to fight his battles. If you wanna bring wizardry into the mix, then Hodor gets Bran to warg all day. All Bran would have to do is warg Hagrid and make him sit down and cry, and then Hodor would come over and Hodor the shit out of Hagrid.

But if you wanna do a no-magic-allowed, rumble to the death? Much more interesting battle. I don't think we've seen Hodor fight much, so I don't know what his skillz are other than crushing skulls and having the biggest dong in the Game of Thrones universe. Meanwhile, it's impossible for me to do any reserach on Hagrid since I'm only halfway through the second Harry Potter book and I don't wanna spoil anything even though I accidentally saw that Dumbledore dies and now I'm kinda depressed.

Speaking of Harry Potter, after the twists and turns of the first book, I'm totally ready for whatever they're throwing my way going forward. I trust no one. Anyone can turn into Voldemort at any second. Gilderoy Lockhart? If he ain't running a long con then I give up. That little creepy kid that takes pics of Harry wherever he goes? Yeah, we got a name for those people: they're called pervs. Only way to live in the Hogwarts universe: QUESTION EVERYTHING.

PS - 'Hey, that's Slytherin, all the evil people come from that house. But we still keep them around because we're idiots.'

PPS - I still maintain Quidditch is the dumbest sport ever. Shouldn't they all go for the Golden Snizz? Yeayea, I'm sure at some point in this story a team will win without grabbing it, but that's obviously more of the exception than the rule.

PPPS - Intellectual battle isn't even close, Hagrid wins by a bajillion. Hodor would answer 'Hodor' to every single question. Even though he got kicked out, Hagrid at least went to a school.

4xPS - Every time Hagrid 'speaks' in the books I want to claw my eyes out. Yer gettin' inta trouble aren't yeh, Harry?' YER MAKING MY EYES BLEED WHEN YEH TALK LIKE THAT HAGRID, ARENT YEH?

Alex S:

What is your penance for putting bad joo joo on us and jinxing us out of a BCS bowl? Does that keep you up at night?


Danny G:

What is your Top-5  ranking on favorite Badger football/bball (and hockey?) players of all time? 

1) Alando Tucker. I'm ever-so-slightly more of a hoops guy than a football guy, so I feel compelled to put a hooper at #1. 'Do was simply so much more fun to watch than just about every other guy we've seen come through UW. He bounced all over the court. He hit big shots. He didn't just dunk, he dunk-dunked (more on that later). He was the heart and soul of the only Wisconsin team ever to hit #1 in the polls. And this is one of my favorite pictures ever:

2) Chris Borland. I knew I was gonna love Borland the second I saw this video of him being ridiculous in high school:

And then he started kicking extra points and forcing fumbles and being a monster as a frreshman and it was mancrush at first sight.

3) Sam Dekker. He is the Lord of Light. I've already written off his senior year, and at this point I'm just praying he's back for his junior year, because that team will be better than this year's undefeated, 4th ranked team. Not only is he crazy skilled, but you can tell how much he respects and loves Bo. And I love that. Plus, he's homegrown, which always counts for something.

4) Russell Wilson. Always and forever:

5) Ron Dayne. He's really only this low because I gravitate towards the more recent guys. When Dayne was stomping all over the country, I was too young to truly appreciate what a monster he was. But you have to respect what the man did for Wisconsin football. And what he did on that fateful Thanksgiving Day.

Honorable Mentions: Robbie Earl, Brian Elliott, Devin Harris (why couldn't you stay one more yearrrrr), Montee Ball (I still love you even after our Twitter fight that I didn't participate in), JJ Watt (wait I should've put him on this list, fuck)

Danya S:

Have you heard of the app LuLu? Are you curious if you're on it... and how you're rated?

*Googles LuLu*


Someone basically made an app that replaces the girl's bathroom, or something like that. I don't even want to KNOW what my rating would be. Or what hashtags girls would pick to rate me. FUCK I DON'T #HasADog, IS THAT MINUS A POINT?

Ugh, you girls are so shallow.

*Searches for MuMu, rates Danya a '0' for not telling me my rating*

PS - The last thing on earth I want to see is my LuLu page. If it exists. So, so horrifying.

Matt G:

With Christmas right around the corner and the fact that I have been reading all these little kids wishlists on Deadspin, what are the top 5 gifts you want from Santa?

Dear Santa,


1) This shirt:

2) Workaholics Bear Coat:

3) Raptorhound:

4) Iron Throne:

5) Hayley:


Jeff W:

Can you do a power ranking for your top 5 favorite and least favorite sounds?

1) Falling Snow. 

 I've been telling people for years that I love the sound of falling snow, but everyone calls me an idiot and says you can't hear it. But then someone finally said they understood, and it was more the muffling of other sounds than the sound of snow falling itself. And that makes perfect sense! SNOW MUFFLING SOUNDS SO GOOD.

2) A football hitting the goalpost. Why does this not exist on the internet? I am BEYOND vexed. Vexed times a million.

3) Opening a fresh can of tennis balls. And here's an annoying video of a weird kid opening a can of tennis balls:

4) Hitting a baseball right on the sweetspot. This is 8 minutes of MLB nutpieces:

5) Frying bacon. I think it's genetic to love this sound.

I refuse to do my least favorite sounds because they're either gross or horrible and no one wants to listen to that.

Ryan G:

If a restaurant you really liked had issues like Sun Wah's, would you eat there again when it reopened? I totally would/will.

absolutely would. It's not even a question for me. I watch a lot of Bar Rescue, and if there's one thing I've learned from that show, it's that you really have no idea what's going on in the kitchen of the bar/restaurant you're at. At this point, I have to assume that they're all absolutely filthy. With Sun Wah, the only difference is that they got caught.

I like to think, in general, most people are willing to return to a tainted restaurant. I have a friend who got food poisoning from a burger at The Counter in Lincoln Park. We're talking violent, throwing-up-out-of-your-butt food poisoning. YUMMY. Anyway, he went back a week or two later and I was SHOCKED. This was our exchange:

Me: Wait. You went back to that place? After the misery you went through?
Friend: Yeah, but I didn't get a burger. Went with the chili this time.
Me: Was it vegetarian chili?
Friend: No... 
Me: You know the meat in there was just the leftover scraps of ground beef from the burger than ruined your life, right?

It really boils down to a simple fact: If you find a place you like, you're gonna keep going to it no matter what. I'd have to be served food with live bugs on it to never return.

David W:

When was the last time a white Wisconsin player had a dunk like Dekker's at the end of the first half against Marquette? Never? How bout any Wisconsin player?  How good are we this year? Should I make my annual hotel reservation at the Final Four?

Oh, you mean this dunk?

One of my roommates called me out for watching it like 300 times in a row. I couldn't stop. #DEKKER

The only other Wisconsin dunk I can think of that rivals this for pure awesomeness would be this one:

And that's obviously aided by it being a prime matchup and Dickie V losing his brainpiece over it.

So you wanna know how good this Wisconsin basketball team is? Man, I won't even put a ceiling on what they can do. You've got 5 starters who all shoot 39% or better from downtown. You've got 4 guys averaging double figures and a 5th (Gasser) at 9.3. Your first 2 kids off the bench are true freshmen that already look like they belong.

And most importantly? You can tell there's a night and day difference between the chemistry of this team vs. last year's team. Last year you had 3 seniors starting up front, and there were many times where it looked like they weren't fond of sharing the rock and the spotlight with underclassmen. I'm convinced this was what truly sank last year's team.

But now? Man, these guys love playing together. They've got their heart & soul (Gasser), their supremely talented kid who thrives in the spotlight (Dekker), their gritty shooter and sneaky rebounder (Brust), their matured point guard (Jackson), and the most improved player in the conference (Kaminsky). You look at them out there, and you can tell above all else, they're having fun. Sure, winning helps. But you play better when you love your teammates and know that everyone has one goal in mind: WINNING. Because you know what? #WinningIsFun. Official hashtag motto of this year's squad.

I fucking love this team. You should, too.

PS - See ya in Dallas.

PPS - Apparently everyone thought Kaminsky was Jewish?

IDK, I think Kaminsky could rock a wicked Jew-look:



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