Thursday, August 14, 2014

2014 Preseason Mailbag!

2014 season is underway. Let's do this thing.


I had no idea euchre was spelled euchre as opposed to yuker. What is your top-10 list of "why the hell are you spelled that way" words?
1) Wednesday. Anyone who can successfully spell this word without saying, 'Wed-nes-day' in their head is a damn LIAR. I refuse to accept any other school of thought. This word makes no sense and we should've fixed it a billion years ago.

2) Colonel. LOL, yeah right.

3) Rhythm. I've always thought this word closely resembled alphabetic diarrhea. I'm also guessing people would really struggle with that 'h' in diarrhea, but for some reason I just really know how to spell diarrhea. I wonder if Costanza started that scene with 'diarrhea', but then re-shot it with 'manure'. If you at least kinda know the Seinfeld scene I'm referencing, you need to click on that link.

4) February. Old SAT question: Wednesday : "Wed-nes-day" :: February : "Feh-broo-ary". Only got 28 days for a reason.

5) Cemetery. HOW are there no 'a's in this word? There should be at LEAST two 'a's in 'cemetery'. I mean, we're not even touching on the fact that cemetery and seminary start with completely different letters for absolutely no reason. I admire the fuck out of non-native English speakers. This language is IMPOSSIBLE.

6) Receipt. Silent letters. Those are logical. That 'p' really brings a lot to the table.

7) Restaurant. I don't like this word.

8) Jeopardy. Nope.

9) Devastating. Personal struggle of mine. I flip a coin on the vowel after the 'v'. Can easily talk myself into an 'a' or an 'e' there.
10) Separate. Same thing after the 'p'. My brain simply refuses to learn.

Kira D:
My anxiety surrounding this issue is only half-fictional.

I recently shacked up with the beau who some might affectionately describe as the most batshit bonkers Badger fan on the planet.  Any advice on how to appropriately weather the Wisconsin football storm about to sweep through our apartment? Especially need tips on what's to be done pre, post, and during games v. UMich.
Well, first of all, we don't play Michigan until October 1st, 2016. Who knows, you could be PREGNANT by then with little baby Melvin.


Seriously, what if you're pregnant by then? Make sure the kid isn't due until well after football season.

As far as this year goes, a couple things to keep in mind:
  • If you try taking him to a wedding on a Saturday that is not on 9/13 or 10/18, then you are asking for a completely distracted wedding date staring at his phone throughout the ceremony. There is no debating this. Gamedays are sacred. They are limited. Those 14 fall Saturdays deserve all the attention they get. Please understand this.
  • With that said, make him do some awful, touristy stuff on those bye weeks. How about a nice weekend retreat to Pennsylvania Dutch country?
  • Understand that in the immediate aftermath of a loss, he will not be emotionally stable. Do not even try to console him. Remember in The Lost World when they decide to help out the baby T-Rex by putting a cast on its broken leg? Well, Mama T-Rex came to try and kill them anyway. Don't try to put a cast on his broken baby T-Rex leg of emotions.
  • Wear something red. SOLIDARITY
  • A nice cheese platter can go a long way in scoring some points.
It's easy to get along with someone after a win. The real test is seeing how they handle defeat. I assume you'll learn very quickly if your presence is requested after we decide to switch quarterbacks with 2 minutes left in a one score game and then the new quarterback audibles the play for no apparent reason and it blows up in our face.

Danny P:
Do you ever embrace autocorrects?  Sometimes one is just too good and if I notice it before I send the message, I'll just run with it.  Example - someone recently asked if I wanted to get ice cream.  (Obviously the answer was yes and I had three scoops but we'll get to that another time).  I said "mmmmm ice cream" but my phone changed it to "mammals ice cream" - I mean, am I NOT supposed to embrace mammals ice cream?  I'm just supposed to change it back to boring old mmmm ice cream?  
Oh, I #EmbraceAutocorrects. I embrace them all the damn time. And you KNOW the people that post them on the internet for everyone to giggle at could've caught them before hitting 'send'. This is a fact. 98% of the time, you are completely aware of the text you sent. When I try typing 'detailing' and I get 'fetus king' instead, there's a zero percent chance I'm gonna fix that. That's too good to keep to myself. I need the person I'm texting to share in that fetus-joy with me. Asking about a Ukranian and get non-ukulele? SEND AWAY.
Out of curiosity, I took a look through my pics and found these:

I'll be honest, this one made me think for a second.


PS - Hard for me to think about autocorrects without mentioning what is still my all-time favorite move: changing the keyboard shortcuts on someone's phone when they're not looking. It's pretty incredible how easily you can cripple someone's texting game once you start changing all the 'hey's 'you's 'the's and 'what's in their phone. Devious as fuck, but highly entertaining. Bonus points if they have no clue what's going on or how to fix it.

Steve C:
What are your top 5 movie montage songs?
Ranking just the songs, not the actual montages themselves:

1) Wet Hot American Summer - Higher & Higher

No-brainer. Elite song.

2) Team America - Montage


3) Karate Kid - You're The Best

There was a brief period of my life when I actually thought running was a cool exercise. This was always my 'I really would like to stop running right now but goddamnit I have to keep going' song. That's an important song. I reckon I'd need a 27 hour playlist full of those songs to run a marathon.

4) Scarface - Push It To The Limit

I mean, come on. There's no way this song could be used for anything other than a glorious, drug-filled, 80's montage. I'm sure it achieved fame in other ways - it may even have been a hit - but this song is 100% MONTAGE.

5) Blow - Blinded By The Light

"Oh is this that 'douche' song from Blow?"

-Everyone ever upon hearing this song

Honorable Mention: Goodfellas - Layla (little too famous outside of the movie), Rocky IV - Hearts on Fire (better montage than song)

PS - Type 'montage' enough times and it really starts to mess with your brain. I want to assemble every awesome dunk in Taj Gibson's career and upload it to YouTube with the name 'MonTaj Gibson'.

PPS - My list of my favorite montages would look wildly different. Bloodsport, Robin Hood (the Kevin Costner one), D2, Naked Gun, Forrest Gump, etc. Hard to separate out the music from the montage.

Matt B:
Alright, I know this may be a controversial question because we all love Will's and they love us greatly in return but I need to to settle a debate... Where do you rate Will's cheese curds? I'm firmly of the opinion that as the Wisco bar in Chicago, Will's should have unquestionably dank cheese curds. I'm talking as close to Old Fashioned as you can get outside of Madison. Heck, on par with other Madison curds (outside of the garbage curds that are Brats curds) would be great. But I don't like them. Very inconsistent in quality and at their best they are still barely a 7 of 10. So, where do you put them? And to settle further debate on this point, I use Culver's curds as a model of consistency and say those are a pretty solid 7. Thanks for your thoughts. 
Ahh, but there's one big asterisk here: Curds from Will's - especially on Gamedays - are not fresh out of the fryer. This is just the nature of the beast. Curds, like any good mozzarella stick, really thrive when they're still fresh out of the oil and all melty on the inside. I don't think I've ever actually ordered curds in a non-Gameday setting at Will's, but I can guarantee they'll bump up a few points on your scale in that scenario. Even Old Fashioned curds (which I'd have a hard time dethroning) would be kinda 'meh' if they had to sit outside in October under a heat lamp for 20 minutes.

Maybe this is your move this year: ask for an order of curds fresh out the kitchen. See if you can taste the difference.

PS - In general, I think the key thing with the Old Fashioned's curds is the breading. They're more lightly breaded, so they let the cheese SHINE. I haven't had Culver's curds in a while (SOON TO BE CHANGING), but I recall them also on the lighter side of the breading scale.

Tim S:
Which horrendous Tom Hanks movie related situation would you most want to be in for a day?  Monsoon season in Vietnam, on that boat with those crazy high Somalians, stuck inside Apollo 13, or trapped in that fucking Airport terminal as a member of a country that no longer exists?
From most desirable to least desirable:

6) Trapped in an airport - The Terminal. I've never seen this movie. BUT, compared the rest of the situations we've got here, this one seems like a blast. Can I be trapped at O'Hare so I can try every torta at Frontera? In theory, I can booze at the airport bars, right? Plus, airports are such weird places. They have more rules than any other building in the world, and yet, they feel like they have NO RULES. No one knows who you are or where you're from. Everyone's just in this in between state. And I think being the constant in that state could be kind of interesting.*

*If Hanks lost his brain and killed himself in the movie then it's possible I'm reading the situation very, very poorly. But, TORTAS

5) WWII soldier - Saving Private Ryan. "Hey, you, go try to find this one random soldier in the middle of German-occupied France, also, your hand is shaking a lot, you should probably get that looked at." Can't say I'd be excited about any of that.

4) Fending off Somali pirates - Captain Phillips. Another movie I haven't seen (I'm sorry, but when Air Force One is on AMC every night, you wouldn't go to a theater, either), but I'll take my chances at outsmarting some dirty Somali pirates. These aren't mastermind international terrorists. There's no Hans Gruber in their group. These are just maniacs with guns and a boat and you know what this sounds pretty terrifying. I'm also not a fan of large bodies of water. Maybe this would be the worst thing ever. Moving on.

3) Surviving monsoon season during the Vietnam War - Forrest Gump. We need to establish one thing: big old FAT rain, sideways rain, rain coming up from underneath... these would all be awful if you were just hanging out like on a farm or something. But for that to happen while you're marching through the jungles of Viet-fucking-NAM sporting a wicked case of jungle rot, hoping to not get killed by the VC? Well that's all I have to say about that.

PS - If we add in getting AIDS from Jennay, then you can probably bump this one up a notch or two. As if surviving Vietnam weren't enough.

2) Deserted on an island - Cast Away. You mean just me and my brain trapped on an island with nothing but seafood I have to catch myself and a volleyball? Actually, the volleyball would be kinda cool to have. But hoooooo boy would I drive myself crazy a little bit too quickly. I also do not enjoy seafood very much. Silver lining, I think I'd get in really good shape and get an awesome tan. Or I'd burn miserably and literally melt. Could go either way.

1) Trapped in space with a busted ship - Apollo 13. Space is basically a billion oceans of darkness that you can't breathe in. Other than peeing and checking out the constellation U-rine, I would be completely and utterly terrified the entire time. And then there's an explosion and you start to think that maybe your little command module won't make it back to Earth, and even if you do make it back to Earth your heat shield might not hold up, or you parachute will be a giant block of ice? NOPE

Geoff G:
Question: (knock on wood) but if we lose to LSU (in a competitive game) and subsequently run the table, do you think we make the inaugural college football playoff? I tend to think so as that implies us as B10 champs and would believe that would be enough (figuring 2 SEC teams and one other power conference team in the playoff)
I honestly think we could very easily end up on the outside looking in. If we beat LSU and lose to, say, Iowa, then I think we'd get in. But with the soft conference schedule we have this year, we're not going to win anyone over with running the table in the Big Ten. Missing Michigan/MSU/OSU/PSU certainly makes getting to Indy easy, but it really hurts the strength of Wisconsin's season. It's almost a guarantee that 2 SEC teams will make the playoff, and then you have to assume an obvious third candidate will emerge from the PAC-12/Big XII/ACC. That leaves one spot for a B1G team to fight for. Hard to win that fight when your best wins are OSU-neutral and... Iowa? Nebraska? Northwestern? Need more meat on the bone to get through there, I'd think.

Let's just #BeatLSU and not have to worry about it. That's my solution.

Danya S:
Are you an Oreo fan? Because Oreo has a ridiculous selection of special flavors now. My personal fave is the Reeses Peanut Butter Cup Oreos. If you can, please weigh in on the various flavors. If you can't, you really need to take a trip to Target and stock up.
I actually realized just now that I'm not that crazy about Oreos. And I keep seeing flavors like Watermelon, Rainbow Sherbet, Candy Corn, Fruit Punch... are these all real? Was there some kind of Oreo Flavor Photoshop contest where people had to submit images of fake Oreo flavors? The ONLY one I've seen that sounds kinda good is this one:

I'd eat the fuck out of that Oreo. The peanut butter cup ones sounds pretty good as well. The rest are just stupid gimmicks that I want nothing to do with.

A co-worker at my old job (FREEDOM) brought in some weird Chips Ahoy flavors once: root beer float and mint chip. They were both TERRIBLE. As a result, I pre-judge any weird mainstream cookie flavor and assume they're all just as bad.

Now, would I go to town on a Chips Ahoy blizzard? Fuck and yes. Give me a bucket of that and I'll eat my way into a coma. But if it's watermelon flavored Chips Ahoy? DO NOT WANT.

Melissa E:
Give a homeland preview
Even though that's a DEMAND and not really a question, I'll play along:

In all honestly, I don't really remember what happened last season. I think Carrie is pregnant with dead-Brody's bastard and is taking a job in Iran. Did Saul and his Beard retire? Are they going to jail? Are they in charge of anything? No clue.

I'm assuming this season will begin with Carrie sitting up on a hospital bed, making her Carrie Face while she gets her monthly pregnancy doctor check-up (that sounds like a thing). She'll be sitting there thinking of Brody and wishing that he could be there when she spawns his child. Aww. Carrie will also wear a Hijab at all times in Iran because she has to hide her gringo blonde hair. This is important.

Eventually she'll get back to work hunting down whatever terrorist they decide to make the primary target for this season. If there were some clues or groundwork laid about who this will be, I don't remember because the last season aired like 9 years ago I think. Several times throughout the season, Carrie's pregnancy will affect her ability to do her job. Someone, most likely Saul and his Beard, will calmly suggest that Carrie take it easy since she's with child, but Carrie will scoff at that and say that she 'took it easy' before 9/11 and because of that she kinda feels like she was the REAL 9/11 terrorist. Carrie does not forget.

What was that cool guy's name - Quinn? Peter? Peter Quinn? That sounds about right. Hopefully Peter Quinn is back and is not working for the terrorists. I'm pretty sure he's a good guy, but he's kinda sneaky and he lives in a real shifty apartment. Hard to trust someone with no furniture, even if they're a CIA spy. What about Virgil and... Virgil's creepy little assistant? They gotta be back too because errybody loves some Virgil. So Peter Quinn and Virgil will show up in Iran and help Carrie hunt her terrorist while trying to not have her water break during a sting operation or something.

The season will most likely end with Carrie giving birth to a child with a fully-grown beard since she secretly cheated on Brody with Saul and his Beard. This will feel really creepy because even though they're not related, the father/daughter dynamic is strong. Of course, Carrie will find her terrorist in the finale - BOOM it's Brody. He was never dead. Faked his death. Also faked not really being a terrorist - dude's been a terrorist the whole time. When Brody sees that Carrie cheated on him with Saul and his Beard, Brody will Kill Carrie. I accidentally capitalized 'Kill' and I like it, so I'm keeping it. As she's dying, she'll make the biggest Carrie Face of all-time. A tiny gun will emerge from Saul's Beard and shoot Brody, killing him again but this time for realsies.

Then Carrie and Saul and Saul's Beard's baby will grow up and turn into a hybrid CIA Agent/Terrorist who spends his entire life trying to hunt himself down. Fin.

PS - Dana starts an emo band called Boots McGee and gets really upset when someone calls it an emo band. Chris officially embraces his role as TV's worst kid now that Hot Carl from The Walking Dead is a badass. Is that guy who was boning Brody's wife still around? He'll keep boning Brody's wife, and maybe Zombie Brody will come back to fight Dude Boning Brody's Wife in some kind of weird Shane/Rick/Lori parallel from The Walking Dead.

PPS - I actually enjoyed the third season, so I don't know why I'm so pessimistic on this show. I guess I have no clue where they're going and minimal confidence in the "Carrie's pregnant" A-plot. I don't want to see a birth scene. Her face giving birth will haunt my nightmares.

Matt G:
What are your top 5 favorite Robin Williams movies? 
Honorable Mention: Jumanji


5) Aladdin

I can't even tell you the last time I watched this movie. But, like everyone else, I loved the shit out of it as a kid. And watching that clip makes it easy to remember what was so damn good about it. Williams absolutely NAILED that Genie. There's little doubt in my mind that he made up half the lines himself. Pure comedic genius in animated form.

PS - 


4) Patch Adams

This one tugs at all the heart strings. Not this clip, in particular, but the whole movie. And I don't think I ever truly appreciated the cast. It's an awesome collection: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Tricia Poe, and two perfectly evil guys:


Ducksworth AND Warden Norton conspiring together? In my head, Patch Adams is coaching the Mighty Ducks with their hotshot new recruit - that tall drink of water with the spoon up his ass. Patch Adams/Mighty Ducks/Shawshank mashup is my new favorite imaginary movie.

3) Hook

I don't get why bangarang isn't a more commonly used word. Fucking bangarang. I'm bringing it back and you can either wonder what took so long a year from now or jump on the bangarang bandwagon now.

PS - "Near-sighted gynecologist," coming on the heels of Patch's "At your cervix" scene. Robin Williams is a flat circle.

PPS - I think Rufio is one syllable too many to be a cool dog name. First two rules of naming a dog are 2 syllables and gotta end in a vowel. Everyone knows that.

2) Good Will Hunting

This movie is really good. Robin Williams is even better.

PS - Pretty crazy that it was just announced that a woman won the Fields Medal for the first time ever.

1) Mrs. Doubtfire

Rest in peace, Mr. Williams.



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