Friday, September 26, 2014

South Florida

Let's start with this:

Hmmmm. Okay:

So we're clear: Auggie Sanchez is convinced that the South Florida Bulls are going to come up to Madison and silence 82,000 fans. And he's convinced this will happen in South Florida's first road game of the year (they've played 4 home games), after they lost two home games in front of crowds slightly larger than the UW student section.

Idk, but maybe we shouldn't jump to conclusions. WHO IS Auggie Sanchez?

Woof. But you know what? Actions speak louder than pictures. I bet Auggie is an integral member of the machine that is the South Florida football team. LET'S INVESTIGATE:

Nope. Perhaps when you grew up in Florida, and you're a redshirt freshman fullback, and there's not even any evidence that you've gotten on the field yet this year, and you've never played in a D1 college football game outside of your home stadium... you should keep your mouth shut on media day.

For the record, I am not oblivious to the fact that I am kinda running my mouth from the comfort of my keyboard. POINT STILL STANDS

PS - Auggie? Is that short for August? Agusto? No way Auggie's the birth name.

CHICAGO BADGERS: Who all thinks Will's should get a school bus to transport people to and from the Northwestern game in two weeks say YEAH

(They should.)

(I really like boozing on school buses. Is that weird?)

(School bus should be one word.)




  • David Mearns, Director, Blue Water Recoveries, Guiness World Record Holder for Deepest Shipwreck ever found. Sweet record, bro. That's something to tell the grandchildren about. I bet he didn't even go down there and find it himself. Just sat on some luxury yacht with a little remote control driving a robot 8 million feet under the sea. Guinness needs to start drawing some lines on what's actually an impressive record, and what's just some dipshit doing some awful activity that no more than 8 other people in the world have ever wanted to do... a tiny bit better than those 8 other people. Guinness seems to have a little too much power, if you ask me.
  • Rick de Oliveira, Producer of MTV's "Road Rules," "The Real World," "The Challenge" & "Rock-n-Jock". They easily could have replaced all of that with "Greatest Producer in Television History" and been just as accurate. Rick's basically produced 4 of the 10 greatest TV shows the world's ever seen. Was it HIS idea to put baskets on baskets?

That's Tim Hardaway hitting a 50 pointer. That's genius.
  • Brian Lamb, President and CEO of Fifth Third Bank (Tampa Bay). By far the dumbest bank in existence. Do you know how hard improper fractions are? What percent of Americans can correctly calculate improper fractions? 7%? 5%? Adding to the confusion, their website is Making so much sense, 1 and 2/3 bank. Guess where 1 and 2/3 bank is headquartered? OHIO
  • Greg Pitts, Actor, "Office Space," "Washington Apple," guy, "Normal Ohio," sitcom. Psh. Silly Wikipedia. You still have so many people wondering, 'WHO?' All you had to say was, 'Greg Pitts, Inventor, O-Face'
  • Leo Gallagher, Comedian. You know, that weird guy who smashes watermelons all over the place. This guy actually sucks. TOP 3 WATERMELON VIDEOS:
3) Black Gallagher.

The REAL Gallagher.


1) The Gold Standard.

  • Terry Bolea (aka Hulk Hogan), Professional Wrestler. Well. Fuck.


10) J.J. Watt

I mean, I could write 8,000 words about how not only is he the greatest living defensive football player on the planet, but also the greatest living human being on the planet. I could go on and on about how he spends more time with sick children than he does drinking beer. I could ramble for DAYS about dreaming big and working hard. The bottom line is every single one of you know how amazing of a person Watt is. And when I say he's an amazing person, I want to point out that he does it without being boring. Russell Wilson is also an incredible human being, but GOD is he the least interesting person in the world to listen to. "Well, you know, I just gotta thank God and I'm really blessed and I look forward to competing out on the field today, praise Jesus." That's every answer to every question from Russell.

JJ makes the football team look great. It helps with recruiting. And he's about as good of an ambassador for the university as you're going to find. I was hesitant to include any athletes on this list, but it's abundantly clear that Watt's more than just another athlete. Damn proud to call him a Badger.


Honorable Mention: The Daddy-O of SpaghettiOs


1) Michigan State, 2-1 (0-0). Stanton, Cousins, Hoyer, Foles... WTF, when did Michigan State become a quarterback factory? Can't say I'm pleased with this development.

2) Wisconsin, 2-1 (0-0). I've always wanted to play video games on the giant screens inside a stadium. Just once I'd like to fire up a game and sit on the 50-yard line and game my face off on some 200' wide screen. 

That's essentially what it looked like when they were showing MGIII replays at the Camp last Saturday. Those were video game runs; the kind where you SCREAM at your Xbox and curse John Madden's name for your team NEVER making a tackle 'like they would in real life'. That's what happened when Bowling Green tried to tackle that beast.

3) Nebraska, 4-0 (0-0). Okay, fine. I am OFFICIALLY paying attention to Nebraska football 2k14. I ALMOST typed NEBRASKETBALL there. Can't wait for hoops season.

4) Penn State, 4-0 (1-0). One of the Mets beat writers tweeted that they were about to become the first team to not issue a balk for an entire season in 15 years. Then this happened:

The million dollar follow-up is borderline genius. Strike while the iron's hot.

5) Ohio State, 2-1 (0-0). Playing Cincinnati this week. Double Ohio. SHIVER

6) Indiana, 2-1 (0-0). Indiana beat Mizzou in football? An SEC team? For the record, IU lost to Bowling Green the week before. The same Bowling Green team we just rushed for 900 yards against. I HATE when people do that 'Well, Bowling Green beat Indiana, and Indiana beat Mizzou, ERGO Bowling Green will beat Mizzou' thing. That's the worst logic. That logic infuriates me.

7) Maryland, 3-1 (0-0). Just a puppy in Australia staying cool on a hot day:


8) Iowa, 3-1 (0-0). OMG MORE PUPPIES

D'AWWWWWW this isn't fair.

9) Minnesota, 3-1 (0-0). Sigh.

10) Rutgers, 3-1 (0-1). Really throwing me off that they've already played (and lost) a Big Ten game. Can't wait for them to beat Michigan in a few weeks.

11) Illinois, 3-1 (0-0). Maybe they should be higher considering they beat Texas last weekend. Oh, Texas State. Illinois/Texas State with a 2 hour lightning delay. Mmmmmmmm sign me up.

12) Michigan, 2-2 (0-0). There are a lot of things more satisfying than Michigan football. Like this GIF:

13) Purdue, 2-2 (0-0). I like that Purdue has played Western Michigan, Central Michigan, and Southern Illinois. I'm DYING to know if any school has ever played 4 directionals as their entire non-conference schedule. Someone please find out for me.

14) Northwestern, 1-2 (0-0). My reaction when I learned the UW/Northwestern game in Evanston was at 2:30 PM:


Oh man. This is a JAM. There's nothing stopping this from being a hit - and I don't mean a hit that nerds like me like. This is something that should be played on the radio and in bars and in some cheesy montage from a crappy-but-popular movie. Anna Sun is one of my all-time favorite songs, and this may have a completely different flavor... but I'm still totally sold. Hop aboard the bandwagon. CHOO CHOO

I'll be perfectly honest with you: I can't remember if I used this song yet this year. I do not care. I LOVE every inch of it. They were the ONE band at Riot Fest I wanted to see but didn't get a chance to. True, this is the only song I really know/like by them. And going to a concert for one song is kinda lame. But I would've loved to see this one in person.

Add this to the list of songs that was probably popular a year ago but I'm just discovering now. Remember when I discovered Timber? Basically invented it.

I'll always appreciate a good cover, and I was pleasantly surprised by Maroon 5 killing this version of Sex and Candy. I'm a terrible singer, and I've been toying with the idea of singing Sex and Candy in karaoke just because I'm pretty sure anyone can drop the voice down low and bellow through it. This is like the absolute opposite of that. Good stuff.


I can literally think of nothing interesting, let's watch this GIF of geese geeking out instead. 

Are those geese? Snow geese? I saved the GIF as LaughingBirds.GIF because I literally had no idea what kind of bird I was looking at here. The other day I was eating lunch with a co-worker and we saw this little orange and black bird chilling on the patio. I challenged her to figure out what kind of bird it was in under 5 minutes. I tried doing it myself - turns out, identifying birds is fucking HARD. Do you know how many orange and black birds there are in North America? LITERALLY MILLIONS. I like to believe that I can figure out just about anything on the internet in under 5 minutes. I now know to limit that to anything but birding.*

*Birding, industry term.


Why do we play them?

I got two words for ya, pal:

Because recruiting


SUSPEND DISBELIEF. You must ignore that this is probably not real. IT DOES NOT MATTER. I'd be leaving shit left and right if it meant this adorable dog was gonna come flying at me all happy and helpful.

PS - HOLY HELL that language is disgusting. Is that Dutch? I had no idea they were a people of oral vomiting communication.

PPS - 


Hello and welcome to SUSPENDING DISBELIEF II: PLEASE BE REAL. Because this:

And this:

Are too good to be fake.

Man, talk about your all-time backfires. I thoroughly enjoyed his attempt at the double bird:

So deliriously happy that his brain can't even send messages to his fingers without a little bit getting lost in translation. Living the dream.

PS - That video led me to this one:

...which reminded me of an oldie, but a goodie:



I'm not unique in saying that I love Hot Doug's. Everyone does. And I'm lucky enough to have been many, many times. I went during my #funemployment back in June under the assumption I'd never get to eat there again. I knew the lines would be absurd, and I was able to pay my respects for the last time.

But then a few of my co-workers wanted to give it a shot. We got out there at 9 AM on Monday and were about halfway up the building in line. Not too bad. By 11:30, we were at our table waiting for our food to come out. 2.5 hours of waiting may seem like a lot, but less than two weeks before the end of Hot Doug's made it easily justifiable. Especially given that you can't even get in line at 10:30 anymore (when they open).

4 of us ordered 14 sausages and some fries. We did not finish it all. It was kind of expensive. But it was totally worth it. That damn thuringer sausage is my favorite encased meat of all-time. I hope to find something to fill that void.

Thank you, Hot Doug's, for the years of delightful chew. Goodnight, sweet prince.


Nothing really beats a gorgeous Madison sky. Rowing teams exist to be silhouettes in the foreground of sunrise pictures. Silhouette is a sneaky terrible word to spell. Blaming the French on this one.



Will the silence in Camp Randall be due to boredom or shock? I'll go with... boredom.





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