I never thought I'd say this, but SUCK IT BILL MURRAY. IN YOUR FACE! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
OK, I feel better now. I'm sorry, Bill. I know it's illegal to dislike Bill Murray in most countries, but how could you not love him staring in absolute disbelief while Xavier's coach's daughter is crying her face off behind him? That's why we watch college basketball! On the off chance that the random team you're playing has Bill Murray behind the bench looking like he just watched his dog get run over and an 8 year old girl cries so hard her face gets redder than our uniforms. SPORTZ
Now, let's work backwards: Bronson's shot was one of the most unforgettable moments you're ever going to witness as a sports fan. That was exactly why people hype up the first 2 rounds of the Tournament every year: just to get a chance to see a true buzzer beater like that. And for it to happen in Wisconsin's favor in a game they trailed by 9 with 6 minutes to go is all the sweeter. Hang on, let's do some more appreciating:
BUTTER. NUT. FUDGE.
How many times have you watched it? I'm in the triple digits by now I think. What the hell, let's watch it all over again!
You know what the best part of that video is? That time when the ball is floating in the air, and literally no one on earth can do anything about it, and then the buzzer sounds, and then SPLASHMOTHERFUCKINGDOWN.
JK, these are the best parts of that video:
Trust me when I tell you: I want to keep going with this. I'm clearly re-watching the game (again) each night until Friday because I am unbalanced. But we have to move on... there is more work to be done. And that starts on Good Friday with the most Catholic school in the land that I know of: Notre Dame.
What can I tell you about the Fighting Irish? Well, they have a kickass fight song, they barely beat Davidson Part 2 (so happy about that), and Marquette fans are rooting for ISIS in a Wisconsin/Notre Dame matchup. It's GLORIOUS.
So let's go do some hoodrat shit. And I tell you right now: if we win and IU wins, Chicago is going to burn down to the mothertrucking ground on Sunday. Gardo vs. Crean, UW/IU, friends turning into sworn enemies. Blood will rain from the skies. BLOODRAIN.
PS - #1 on Xavier had literally 15 dunks on us, and he was the one that bumped Happ out of bounds late before flexing all over the court like he's the baddest ass in the bunch:
NOTRE DAME MIGHT ACTUALLY BE THE WORST
It's also crazy how wildly different their college experience is than like 98% of the country:
Because of the religious affiliation of the university, all residence halls are single-sex, with 15 male dorms and 14 female dorms. The university maintains a visiting policy (known as parietal hours) for those students who live in dormitories, specifying times when members of the opposite sex are allowed to visit other students' dorm rooms; however, all residence halls have 24-hour social spaces for students regardless of gender. Many residence halls have at least one nun and/or priest as a resident. There are no traditional social fraternities or sororities at the university, but a majority of students live in the same residence hall for all four years.
I'd argue they DO have frats/sororities, and they were the size of an entire residence hall. TERRIFYING.
I HAVE SOME MAJOR PROBLEMS WITH RUDY
Let's start with the famous 'ruuu-dyyy' cheer his teammates start in Rudy's last game:
Somehow I'm the only person who has ever found it obnoxious that most of the cheer is emphasizing the 'ruu' part of 'ruu-dyy': RUU-dy!, RUU-dy! That is psychotic. Clearly the cadence for that kind of cheer is supposed to be 'ruu-DY! ruu-DY!' I honestly cannot overlook this every time I see the damn movie. I blame the offensive lineman that's running the show. Learn 2 cheer, bro.
There's also Rudy's boner dad and dick brother looking in complete opposite directions after Rudy records the softest sack of all-time until Favre handed Strahan the title:
- Matty Moroun, Owner of the Ambassador Bridge border crossing between Detroit and Windsor. GOOOO, a BRIDGE BARON! I had no idea one could achieve obnoxious wealth and power by being a BRIDGE MAN! Oil, steel, shipping, tobacco... BRIDGES? It's actually quite genius and feels kind of shady! Bridges are super important and hard to build, so if you can somehow control a big bridge you are the KING IN THE BRIDGE CASTLE. To me this is like when I wanted to invent my own lottery since lotteries just print money, but everyone was like 'you dummy, lotteries are state owned so the STATES can keep printing money while you toil away to pay off your college loans, DUMMY'. Well, wouldn't you think bridges are owned by governments? Can I own a highway too while we're at it? Can I own the capital of Delaware? What else can I own that I didn't realize I could own? I want to be the Lake Czar of America and own every lake in the country. Apparently this is possible. Also, this asshole is worth $2 billion in case you're wondering what a good bridge will net you these days.
- Ted Phillips, President and chief executive officer of the Chicago Bears. I love that Notre Dame football is somehow intertwined in the misery of Bears fans these days. Good combo of people living off achievements from before they were born like they're still relevant teams!
- Emerson Spartz, Media mogul and Founder of MuggleNet, GivesMeHope. I want to hate this guy but I can't. He convinced his parents that he could homeschool himself when he was 12, started a Harry Potter fansite that led to best selling books and was netting him 6 figures a year, and created some stupid viral content website with $35 million in backing that makes him additional boatloads of money. He's also some kind of genius that can read an entire book in one day while handling a full load of classes. Needless to say, Emerson and I spend our free time in different ways. Rich nerd.
- William Mapother, Ethan from LOST. Ethan, SUPER shifty character. God I miss LOST. Come back, LOST. Do more cool LOSTY things.
- Regis Philbin, Television personality. Regis sucks. Does he know the answers on Millionaire before the contestant answers? How about when he spooked Norm Macdonald out of getting a million bucks for charity?
- Steve Bartman, Fan who interfered with a foul ball in the 2003 National League Championship Series. This should go without saying but I'll continue saying this forever and ever until people learn: blaming Bartman for the Cubs losing is the most irrationally stupid thing a person can do. End of story.
CHICAGO BADGERS: OMG, #FAW at Will's Part 2: Revenge of the FAW! We've been #soblessed to keep snagging these early evening Friday games. I'm getting the Snapchat filter ready again, so get your ass to Will's early and get ready to get weird. #BeatND
BIG TEN POSTSEASON OUTLOOK
Opponents: Kansas, Miami/Villanova
Undefeated Chances: 17%
We're not actually rooting for these guys: Come on. Conference pride is such a silly thing. I don't root for the Bears or Vikings because NFC NORTH PRIDE. I hope Maryland suffers an excruciating and embarrassing defeat.
Opponents: UNC, Wisconsin/Notre Dame
Undefeated Chances: 20%
Oh god: It's actually possible! Gardo/Crean with a spot in the Final Four on the line! It's possible! I'm going to lose so many friends if that game happens and Gardo comes out victorious. AN EXODUS OF FRIENDS.
PS - Want a doomsday scenario? We lose to IU. Even though this is our "worst" team in a decade and it's one of their best... this is actual doomsday. DIA DE DOOM.
Opponents: Notre Dame, IU/UNC
Undefeated Chances: 14%
I know we're supposed to be in #housemoney mode, but this would be a devastating loss: Notre Dame just doesn't scare me. Xavier, while I knew we were going to beat them, had that mid-major factor that we've struggled with in the past. But a power conference team that's lost 10+ games this year? Beatable. Super beatable.
(2) Michigan State
Death via: (15) Middle Tennessee
Death via: (12) Arkansas Little Rock
Boy I really nailed that Purdue prediction: Brandon's bracket is broken! [sung to the tune of Suffragette City]
Death via: (2) Villanova
Jarrod Uthoff's numbers in his 3 years with Iowa after transferring: 0-5 vs. Wisconsin, 2-3 NCAA Tournament record
Wisconsin's numbers in the 3 years after Uthoff transferred: 5-0 vs. Iowa, 11-2 NCAA Tournament record (and counting), 3 Sweet 16's, 2 Final Fours (and counting)
But maybe it was the right decision: Maybe.
And we definitely still know the answer to this:
Death via: (6) Notre Dame
Couldn't have happened to a worse school: You're all terrible people and no one likes you, goodnight.
OTHER TEAMS FROM WISCONSIN IN THE NCAA TOURNAMENT
(14) Green Bay
Death via: (3) Texas A&M
Consecutive NCAA Tournament Appearances: Green Bay 1, Marquette 0. #FactsOnly
WHAT IS A POSTSEASON
RANDOM MUSIC I'M DIGGING HARD THIS WEEK
Not the best quality, but this is all about that part at the bridge where the crowd nails it. I'm am so about any live song where the singer knows his role and lets the crowd belt out key lyrics. Good on you, Mr. Anberlin.
The only reason I'm into this song is because the original version by the Kinks was on Vinyl a few weeks ago. Speaking of which, the last episode was beyond painful to watch. How do they expect people to enjoy that show at this point? There better be a hell of a payoff or I'm gonna feel real let down.
PS - The lead singer of the Nasty Bits is clearly going to OD on herron before this is all over, right?
The first two songs are the ultimate 'songs by a band I know kinda sucks but I still love them anyway' songs. LOVE those kinds of songs.
MATCHUP TO WATCH
Nigel's Ability to Make a Freaking Shot vs. Our Chances of Making Magic. This isn't rocket science: we're at the point now where if he puts up another 2-13 clunker we're going to go home. The stakes are raised and you can only win so many games with minimal bench scoring and brick city Nigel before it bites you in the ass.
Now is the time. I'm willing to bet Mr. Hayes is not going to go down in a whimper. Get back down low, get to the line, be the force you've shown you can be and this team just might end up in a third consecutive Final Four, and simply typing that gave me goosebumps. What year is it?
THIS WEEK'S GAMES IN HAIKU
Please oh please, Nigel
Just make some shots on Friday
You make 'em, we drink
Even if it's a little cheesy, a little predictable... I'm obligated to post it.
This video would be NOTHING without the silly accent. I want that accent to just talk to me all day and tell me how silly I am.
How badly do you wanna see the snaps this guy was sending while evading police at 100 mph because he had some weed on him? I sit here knowing I would pay $20 to have a copy of every snap he sent while driving during this chase.
PS - If weed were legal this guy would just be a random, normal, upstanding citizen of the U-nited States of 'Merica. Kinda makes you think.
All of that food was under $20! That's like a pizza, two loaves of cheesy galicy breadsticks, and some boneless wings. And like 14 sides of ranch and garlic sauce. Oh, THE GLUTTONY! I think I was still eating this on Sunday. Got at least 4 meals out of it. Thank you, Pizza Hut, for keeping my favorite tradition alive and well. #CARBPARTY
Let's keep it on topic and roll with a Madison sunset. Good vibes.
BANG BANG, heart picks were scorching hot last week. I see reason to stop now... #GARDOOOOOOOO
WISCONSIN 67, NOTRE DAME 64
WISCONSIN 71, IU 70
HOLD ON TO YOUR BUTTS