Thursday, September 22, 2011

Badger Preview: South Dakota

This is fun, isn't it?  Actually, maybe it's not.  I like what Shovers had to say about the Northern Illinois game:

Third straight week the 2nd Half of a Badger game is boring... couldn't be happier right now

That's exactly right.  We're just knocking the dicks off anyone that gets in our way, and it IS kinda boring in the second half of a 50 point game... but I wouldn't have it any other way.  This team is doing big things, on its way to doing even BIGGER things, and we're just along for the ride.  Probably the best ride I've ever been on.  I'd pay good money to go on this ride, and, well, I kinda am as I sit here making offers on Nebraska tickets off Craigslist.  Here's how that's been going so far:

8:31 am: Text my sister, her boyfriend, and all the kids I still know there telling them 'Anything under $175, buy it, I'll get you the cash ASAP.'
9:45 am: Text one guy I still know at UW: 'I need you to seduce a girl and convince her to sell you her ticket for $100.  Feel free to never call her again once you have her ticket.'
10:23 am: Click on any offer under $200, email them offering $5 more than their listed price.
12:025 pm: Add in line about being a recent grad and wanting to keep Nebraska fans outside the stadium.
4:39 pm: Include picture of Black Jesus riding the unicorn into the rainbow sunset, mention I'm a recent grad on a budget, explain how it's beneficial to them to sell me their ticket for LESS than what they're offering because karma would most certainly pay them back plus a million later on.

SHOCKINGLY, I do not have a ticket yet.  But I think I'm moving in the right direction.  One way or another, I'll be in the student section 9 days from now drunkenly telling everyone around me that we're "totally running the tight end screen right now, book it, lock it up, championship."  As long as I predict that every time, I'll eventually be right.  We're saving that play for 3rd and 12 against Nebraska.  LOCK IT UP.

UPDATE: The Black Jesus Riding A Unicorn Into The Rainbow Sunset picture totally just locked up a $150 ticket for me.  WWBJD?  GET ME A NEBRASKA TICKET.

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: Is it weird if I Facebooked everyone I emailed about tickets?  You gotta figure that in the dogfight world of Craigslist Ticket Hunting, any extra information you can gather about a potential seller could be the difference between getting the ticket and being screwed.  Right?  And what if she's HOT?

Such a creeper.

CHICAGO BADGERS:TROLLEY CRAWL FUCK YEAH.  For those of you too unlucky to have purchased a ticket (terrible idea), here's the itinerary:

11:00 – 2:00pm - Check-In at The Spot (Bar #1)
  2:00 – 2:30pm - Board Trolley and travel to Bar #2
  2:30 – 3:30pm - Lottie’s (Bar #2)
  3:30 – 4:00pm - Travel to Bar #3
  4:00 – 5:00pm - Cedar Hotel (Bar #3)
  5:00 – 5:30pm - Travel to Bar #4
  5:30 – 6:30pm - Redmond’s (Bar #4)
  6:30 – 7:00pm - Travel to Will’s (Bar #5)

Yeah, that's right: We have a GAMEDAY DRINKING itinerary.  I don't think I utilize itineraries often enough.  Zero thought involved, just follow the plan and drink.  That's how I want to live my life.

SHAMELESS PLUGS: Links to the things I doLink to the Badger RoundtableLink to a picture of a velociraptor to see if you're paying attention.  READ MY WORDS.





9) 1 Million Wings - Quaker Steak & Lube

I feel so cheated.  5 years in Madison getting by on the mediocrity that is BW3.  The wings were OK, the prices quadrupled, and the restaurant itself was a glorified hallway.  It was as narrow and worthless as one of those vacant stores on Clark St. (they're like 7' x 50'.  Who are they trying to attract?  Single lane bowling alleys?)  Oh yeah, they went through and 'upgraded' their TV's.  I put 'upgraded' in quotes because I like excessive uses of quotes, and because their upgrade was also comically terrible.  10" TV's everywhere, same crappy projector, old tube TV's downstairs... just bad news bears all over the place.

But then... something glorious happened.  Quaker Steak And Lube opened up where Uno's used to be (what a ripoff that place was).  I had QS&L for the first time in Middleton a few years back and I LOVED the place.  Sure, it's decorated like my grandpa's house - but the food is incredible.  Some of the best wings I've ever had - huge, meaty and an amazing sauce selection.  Obviously they have great ranch as well.  Now that I think about it, it's probably a good thing that Quaker Steak wasn't there when I was a student.  I would have been there every night for 5 straight years.  Take a look:

Is that a side dish of jalapenos I see?  Amazing.

We went there last year before the Ohio State game (what a HOT game that was).  Wanna know what we discovered?  Quaker Steak is sneakily a GREAT place to drink.  $5 will get you the world's biggest vodka mixed drink (no clue what was in it).  For the sake of scale, here's what I'm talking about:

I should be in charge of designing all American currency.


10) Qdoba Queso Burrito/Henry
12) Pizza di Roma Chicken Parm & Pepperoni/Sausage Pizza

Honorable Mentions: Casa B's Slice/Breadsticks, Falbo Bro's Chicken Parm Sub, Za's Cajun Alfredo Pasta with Pepperoni and Garlic, Jamie's Cookie Cakes


UW Secondary vs. South Dakota Offense
This is such a stretch.  You have NO idea.  How do you write about match-ups for a 70 point blowout?  BETTER question: How do you write about match-ups for a game when you know absolutely nothing about the opposing team?  Actually, I guess that's false.  I know that South Dakota beat Minnesota IN Minneapolis last year.  I know that they just 'knocked off' the #1 FCS team in the country.  I know that they are not the coyotes.  They are the South Dakota KY-OATS.  I know that that is fucking stupid.

Anyway, with Devin Smith taking a medical redshirt, I'm expecting Bielema to test out his secondary depth in what should be a glorified exhibition game.  We know Cromartie is gonna get the majority of the reps going forward, but I'm excited to see what the freshmen can do.  Let's start with Darius Hilary.

Hilary currently has a leg up because not only has he impressed the staff during practice, but he's healthy.  Personally, the thought of having a true freshman out there at corner terrifies me.  But if Bielema is confident that it's the right move, then I'm all for it.  I think I can safely say that we've reached the point where 'IN BIELEMA I TRUST' is right up there with 'IN BO I TRUST'.  That's probably the biggest vote of confidence I can give BB.

More exciting than Hilary, however, is Devin Gaulden.  Quick info on his story:
  • True freshman
  • Resumed practicing last week
  • Had a metal rod inserted in his leg to fix a stress fracture (which he battled through since high school, thinking it was just shin splints)
  • Then there's this from the Journal Sentinel:
"Who wouldn't?" Gaulden said when asked why he was pushing to make his debut against the Cornhuskers. "Nebraska? Prime time?

"Who wouldn't want to be out there, man? That's not even a question, sir."

With each question, Gaulden's voice rose by an octave and his grin grew wider.
Another unnecessary question: Is it safe to say Gaulden is confident in his ability?

"I'm from South Florida," said Gaulden, from Miramar, Fla. "I come from a confident family. If I don't believe in myself, who will? I'm on an island."
Looking forward to him stepping on the field in 2 weeks.

Chicago Trolley Crawlers vs. The Toll of Day Drinking

Huge match-up here.  The Trolley Crawlers are definitely the favorites, but I will NOT be surprised to see the Toll claim a few victims.  Keep your eyes on anyone with hard liquor on the trolley - that's usually a sure sign of impending doom.  Did you see last week's Jersey Shore?  Because I know I SURE DID.  You see how sloppy Snooki and Deena were?  If they were wearing red, they'd fit right in on the crawl.

Speaking of them, anyone who believes that all they did was make out for 12 hours is an idiot.  They clearly did sex.  I also totally blame them for the fact that I was craving a meatball sub today.  I wish I went somewhere other than Subway.  I've grown to completely detest Subways, and today's experience did absolutely nothing to change my mind.  They are the KINGS of skimping, the cheapest bastards in the game.  Do you know they're actually instructed to lay the cheese out in that stupid pattern because it makes you think you're getting shortchanged?  And maybe you'll pay for extra cheese?  That's honestly Subway 101.  And I think their napkins are encrusted with 32 karat gold.  No other way to explain why I have to beg for an extra napkin when I get some disgusting meatball concoction just DRIPPING with marinara sauce.

Oh, one more Subway gripe: If you carry your sandwich by the handles of the bag, this will happen to you 100 times out of 50:

The worst.  And that bag looks like a saw!

PS - As I'm bopping in and out of Paint working on this, I realized something:

Paint is my top program.  That is fucking AWESOME.


Our Lady Peace - Clumsy

PIANO ALERT.  I'm on the record as loving pretty much any song with a piano in it.  Immediately makes the song 1,000x better.  This is no exception.  I'm pretty sure they're Canadian, which clearly hurts their case, but I'm willing to make an exception.  Also, the lyrics are underrated pretty dark:

I'll be waving my hand
Watching you drown, watching you scream, no one's around
And maybe you should sleep
And maybe you just need...A friend
As clumsy has you've been, there's no one laughing


Mumford And Sons - White Blank Page

TODAY I LEARNED that the lead singer plays guitar AND the motherfucking drums at the same time.  That's beyond insane.  That's not even talent.  That's not human.  These guys are amazing, this song is fantastic, and I wish I knew about them 10 years ago even though they probably weren't a band yet.

TQ - Westside

Screaming death to all our enemies, and those who don't believe 
West Coast livin' be the shit to me...

That is EXACTLY how I live my life, except I've never killed anyone and I grew up in the Midwest.  Otherwise, exactly the same.  This was also great:

White bread busta is the whitest sounding thing ever.  Way to blow your cover right away, idiot.

To my peoples if you with me - where you at?
Throw your dubs in the air - and wave 'em like you just don't care
From LA to the Bay - what you say - all day... everyday... any damn day..
Take a look around, we got the whole world locked down
Going on and on, it don't stop...won't stop... can't stop
Either ride or die - gotta give it up for the Westside



Where is Mount Rushmore?

Is that the North or the South?

Wait.  They both still suck.

(Seriously.  I pitched the idea weeks ago that we just merge them into one worthless, boring entity.  I've never felt so strongly about something in my entire life.  This part is not in haiku.)


Hot jams from Dutch Scooter Guy.  The original and the follow-up release.

PS -

I don't speak Spanish, but I'm pretty sure I know exactly what these comments are saying.  AND I LIKE IT.

Steve-O is obviously back on or off the wagon, whichever the bad one is.  And I can't link to a Steve-O clip without bringing up this gem.  That, my friends, is how you party.  I DON'T PLAY.

These clips are only as good as the sound the person makes when they hit the deck.  Does not disappoint.


I was so ready to drop some pictures so cute that you might throw up, and then the Apoopalypse happened.  Last night she poopled (I noticed that I typed 'poopled' instead of 'pooped', but I think it looks AND sounds funny, so I'm keeping it) 3 times in 2 minutes.  After the Apoopalypse, she was just dragging her butt all over the floor, literally and figuratively rubbing it in.  Had to take her outside to get her to start using her rear legs again.  I'm assuming, like all women, she craves attention.  BAD POOPING PUPPY.


I don't think there's ever been a sadder story than that one right there.  BUT WAIT.  There's more:

GAHHH.  I'm pretty sure that's not even possible.  And if it is... can it happen to humans?  Because I'm pretty sure I just found my nightmare fuel.  I think this was the plot to some terrible horror movie.  Sucking the blood out of you?  Much more hardcore than a little vampire hickey on the neck.  I think we should all pour one out for NAME.  RIP, buddy.


Buff Joe's.  The life.

Seriously, if you ever find yourself in Evanston (I'm going to assume you got lost), go straight to Buff Joe's, get a double order of wings and some cheddar chips (waffle fries with unreal merkt's cheddar).  You'll find yourself in a food coma, praising my name for such a glorious recommendation.


OK, maybe this is more city porn than sky porn.  I took this pic from the plane on the way back from the Rose Bowl last year.  THOUGHTS:
  • Did this during the 'Please turn off and put away all electronics' part of the descent.  Therefore, I AM A BRAVE PHOTOGRAPHER.
  • It's pretty incredible the things you can do with Camera+ on an iPhone.
  • Chicago is the coolest city ever, of all-time.


I saw a tweet from the Daily Cardinal the other day talking about a 'heroin epidemic' in Madison.  Let me tell you what I know about heroin:
  • Junior and Senior years I lived at 211 Langdon - white house, red door, next to Sigma Xi:

  • I bring that up because the year BEFORE we moved in there, some chick OD'd on heroin and died.  Right there in the living room.  The Charter guy said he found a bunch of needles and shit when he went in there sometime after.  I don't really believe him, though.  Charter is worse than heroin.
  • Because of that, I consider myself an EXPERT on heroin.
  • If you snort heroin, there's a good chance you might die.  If you DO die, you can only come back to life if you're stabbed in the heart with a giant adrenaline shot.  GET THE SHOT!
Yeah, that's pretty much it.  Heroin is probably the last thing in the world I'd do.  But at the same time, I'm desperately curious to know what it's like.  Has to be amazing for people to risk dying, AIDS, and all those other terrible things.  Oh well.

Oh, shit.  The epidemic.  Yeah, I'm completely baffled here.  Is the heroin issue really that widespread?  Are people shooting up in front of Statesider where all the ghouls used to converge?  Are people trading Nebraska tickets for H?  SO MANY QUESTIONS.

PS - I usually don't read the comments on articles like this, but this is gold:

Well said, Phatso Porkmuncher.


What's the spread?  UW -60?  I'd go with Wisco all day on that.  I'll be EMBARRASSED if this game is remotely close at halftime.  We're playing a shit team, we're the best team in the world, we're at home, and we're pretty healthy.  The Pick:


PS - 9 x 7 = 63, right?

PPS - The day I learned that you can just use a dot instead of the 'x' for multiplication was a great day in my childhood.

PPS - Shouldn't there be a dot character on the keyboard?  Somewhere between * and ^?  No one even uses the stupid ^ key.  Let's replace that with a dot.  Boom, keyboard 2.0.  Billion dollar idea.


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