Thursday, January 24, 2013

#12 Minnesota & @ #14 Ohio State


SPOILER: There are no winners in this game.


What is special about these schools?

Give up? These are the only schools in Division I NCAA Basketball that are worse at shooting free throws than Wisconsin. There are THREE HUNDRED FORTY SEVEN D1 programs. 347! And only these bumfuck establishments are worse at making a motherfucking FREE throw than UW. I've never even heard of 5 of these schools. That is the company we find ourselves in as we clank free throw after free throw.

And that's really the story of the loss to Michigan State. We played tremendous defense. We rebounded. We kept them from getting easy transition points. But we couldn't buy a bucket. And we went 7-18 (39%) from the line in a 2 point loss. Nothing else needs to be said. Forget everything else. 7-18 from the line and you lose by 2? Not too hard to pinpoint the root of the problem. END ANALYSIS.

PS - Your seniors combined to go 9-32 from the field and 3-10 from the line. Your starting point guard went 2-9 from the field. In no galaxy do you win games with shooting like that from your leadership positions. I know Dekker didn't look great and picked up 2 stupid fouls, but you gotta let him loose if the rest of your guys are shooting that poorly. Disgusting.

PPS - I am contractually obligated to point out right now that when the season ended on March 24th, 2011, Wisconsin was one miss away from setting the ALL-TIME NCAA free throw record. We shot 81.8% from the line that year. A certain sophomore by the name of Ryan ReneƩ Evans (NOTE: Not his real middle name) shot 74% on the year. This was less than 2 years ago. #1 in the land to #331. I. Don't. Even. Know.





1. Michigan, 17-1 17-1 (4-1). Previous: 3
Surely I'm not the only one hoping this entire roster declares for the NBA draft the day after the season ends and they play next season with 3 freshmen and 2 former student managers.

2. Michigan State, 17-3 (6-1). Previous: 4
Very pleased to see the state of Michigan doing this well. I've always admired Michigan for having Detroit and Ann Arbor and not volunteering them to be testing sites for weapons of mass destruction. EXCELLENT STATE SOLIDARITY.

3. Ohio State, 14-4 (4-2). Previous: 2
Things are always better in Ohio, where the president of the Ohio Board of Education spends her time on Facebook comparing Obama to Hitler:

She posted it because Hitler’s quote referred “to gun control. It is a hot button issue today…. I reposted a picture, made no comment.”

I'll never understand how such stupid people can rise to such prominent positions. Then again, Ohio.

4. Indiana, 17-2 (5-1). Previous: 6

I get a little more creeped out every time I watch that. That Crean weaseled his way into the Super Bowl storylines because he's boning the lady Harbaugh adds a whole new level of hate to the proceedings.

5. Wisconsin, 13-6 (4-2). Previous: 1
I like to think that this is really a 70% kinda team from the charity stripe, so to get there we're gonna shoot 80% from here on out. HEED THESE WORDS.

6. Northwestern, 12-8 (3-4). Previous: 11
How does Bill Carmody still have a job? In 13 seasons, they have been ranked once (25th, four years ago), won zero championships, and made zero NCAA tournaments. What about that makes the Northwestern Athletic Department happy?

7. Purdue, 10-8 (3-2). Previous: 7
[Checks Purdue's recent schedule]
They just played West Virginia? In January? What kinda shenanigans are they up to? Once conference play begins, it should be ILLEGAL to dip into foreign waters. I really wish they lost that game. Damn.

PS - Boilermakers and Mountaineers actually sound like a perfect match. Is Purdue the West Virginia of the Midwest? I mean that in the most terribly insulting way possible. When people think of West Virginia, they think of the following:
  • Incest
  • Burning couches
  • Coal
  • October Sky (Badass movie, super underrated)
  • This guy:

That dude is essentially half-Native American, half-white trash, and half-reallyfuckingwhitetrash. THIS COULD BE YOU, PURDUE.

8. Minnesota, 15-4 (3-3). Previous: 5
They have lost three straight games, including last night's shitbomb in Evanston where they couldn't make free throws and lost to a team they SHOULD have beaten. THAT SOUNDS EERILY FAMILIAR. As a result, we should not fear the Badger Rejects. But at the same time, they gotta be itching for a win to snap the streak. They've had our number at the Kohl Center before. I am not looking forward to Saturday.

9. Iowa, 13-6 (2-4). Previous: 8
The Big Ten is impossible to figure out. Iowa beats Wisconsin. Iowa beats Northwestern by 20 on the road. Minnesota loses to Northwestern. Wisconsin beats Indiana. You could do this game for days and we're only a third the way into conference play. Any team that wins the league outright will for sure have earned it.

10. Illinois, 15-5 (2-4). Previous: 12
The last time Illinois was generally terrifying, my buddy list on AIM was littered with 'illiNo1s' away messages. Get it? Because they were number 1? illiNotRankedScrubs doesn't really have the same cachet.

PS - Totally miss away messages. Thank god Twitter came around. Every tweet is basically an away message on steroids, and if baseball has taught us anything, it's that steroids are fucking AWESOME when it's someone else's nuts shrinkin'.

11. Nebraska, 10-10 (1-6). Previous: 9
How come every time it starts to snow, it just gives up and stops 30 minutes later? Can I just get 6" of good snow to fuck around with already? Tossin' snowballs, drawin' dicks on windshields, hip-checking people into snowbanks, THIS IS WHAT I WANT.

12. Penn State, 8-11 (0-7). Previous: 10
I want my next apartment in Chicago to have a hot tub. How realistic is that? Is the only hurdle that it's gonna be really expensive? Because that could be kind of an issue. Can I trade central air and stainless steel appliances for a hot tub? I would TOTALLY swelter away in the summer for HIGH CLASS HOT TUBBIN' in the winter. The only people that don't like hot tubs are the preggers. I wonder if excessive hot tubbin' while preggers would result in an accelerated timeline for the birthing. How many women do you think have given birth in a hot tub? BADGER PREVIEW INVESTIGATION TIME:


PS - While investigating (I take this super seriously), I came across this very important fact for any of you mothers-to-be who may be considering a water birth:

I was gonna google 'can babies get herpes from their moms' but decided I should probably step away from the keyboard for a few minutes. Maybe sit the next couple plays out.


Gustav Holst - The Planets, Op. 32

Sometimes you see a person and you're like, 'Damn, that person TOTALLY looks like someone, but I can't figure out who!' SO FRUSTRATING. Well, almost as frustrating as that is when you hear a song and know that you've heard it somewhere else before. That was happening to me with this song. But then I figured it out and I feel so much better:

YouTube Doubler

PS - Those airships were so clever, but so frustrating.

REM - Losing My Religion (MAJOR VERSION)

I think this shit is so cool. Played in its original minor key, it's a pretty sad and depressing song. Don't get me wrong, I love the song. But it has a decidedly somber tone to it. But if you convert it to a major key? COMPLETELY different jam. Admittedly, it sounds a little funky, but I think this is cool, so now you have to listen to it to understand what I'm talking about.

The Darkness - Love Is Only A Feeling

This is my favorite power ballad and I'm seeing them this Sunday. These are the reasons for this song being here right now. I do not feel the need to justify myself any further.

Eddie Vedder - Rise

Pearly Jam is coming to Wrigley this summer. Anticipating $8,000 tickets, but this kinda seems like a show I don't wanna miss.


Oh-and-2 at home?

That is inexcusable

Must win vs. Minny

Old motherfuckers

The anti-Chinese gymnasts


(I'm kinda nervous

Scary meth-heads in C-bus


Every once in a while I'll randomly pull up an old favorite. Here you go. 'HEY, FIRST OF ALL BABY, I GOT ENOUGH MEAT ON ME THAT IT'S ALRIGHT.' Never really figured out what that means. I'd like to make his wheezing, gasping laughing the ringer on my phone. Thoughts?

I have no witty comments. This is just cool.

'Oh crap.'


Pork tenderloin sandwich from Skrinechops. My favorite part? It has SMASHED POTATOES right there on the sandwich. Genius. I'd prefer they just call them mashed potatoes, but they were freaking delicious so I'll allow it. I was told by a random girl that I thought worked there but was really picking up food for her office that I had to try the Skribeye next time I go. I'm also tempted by the Abe Lincoln, which is some kind of sausage sandwich with cheese and other shit I can't remember. The menu is less than helpful. If you're in the South Loop, give 'em a try.


Sunset in Miami. I don't think I've ever been to Miami, but I'm going to assume that every single night has a sunset like this. INFINITE SKYPORN. Why do I not live there?



Deadspin got their hands on the applications for the UW football coach position that we were required by law to have open to the public. Here are your highlights:

Carlo Flores
Career job title: "Courier,college coach"
Current salary: "$50,000/yr"
Desired salary: "$60,000/yr"

To whom it may concern:
Please accept this letter as my intent of application for the open position in your organization. I have work for FedEx for the past eighteen years I have worked as a Courier and have experience as an operations manager, International Coordinator, sales manager. Prior to working for FedEx I worked as a terminal manager for Airborne Express for three years and had the same responsibility of a senior manager at the ramp. I also worked coaching baseball and football for the past 27 years at high schools in California, Texas, and in Utah.
During the past eighteen years I have proven to be a motivated and hardworking FedEx employee. I went to school to receive my degrees in business management and master's in education for an opportunity like this.
I have worked in different Latin countries and speak Spanish fluently. I am a people person that communicates well with everyone and feel that this is a great opportunity for me. I am ready for the challenges this position will bring and I am confidant that through hard work and dedication I will be successful and an asset to your organization.Should you any Questions please contact me at [REDACTED]. I look forward to meeting with you. 
Carlo Giovanni Flores

Carlo's ideal career track: Courier > Operations Manager > International Coordinator > Sales Manager > Head Football Coach. SOLD

Ronald Rains

Dear Holly,
I want to see Barry if he is here and available. N.C.A.A. is very good when I am a fan. It is better when I am the fan, since 1969 for around 44 years now. It is best when I know you well at Division I and Big Ten Conference. 
My goal is to DISCOVER it, Plan is to DEVELOP Famous Wisconsin Football. Then, I retire with DEDICATE my time to you. 
PROPORTION is important for proper arrangement or balance of parts for WISCONSIN FOOTBALL SUCCESS. I believe it can be achieved.
COMPREHENSIVE LEARNING occurs when they beat us, or we beat them. It's good for program and N.C.A.A. 
PASSION happens when everybody works hard, yet so winning. It also occurs when they had more success for those events that we did not score more points. 
RESPONSIBILITY is to us POINTS PLAY, OUTCOACH THEM AS MUCH AS WE can. SPORTSMANSHIP AND CITIZENSHIP are important element at all times, before events, durning events, and reflections. 
Coach Ron Rains

I don't even have to tell you how much I'm LOVING Coach Ron's caps lock usage. Also, def signing all my cover letters with 'Win-Win,' instead of the boring 'Sincerely'. Everyone wins, everyone's happy. PROPORTION

Lawrence Bullock
To; Whom it may concern; 
Dear sir, 
I am writing in order for your personal consideration to be part of your staff as NCAA position. I was mentored by Steve Kiner, when he was at University of Tennessee, I believe you might know Steve, He was Linebacker for Oilers. 
I hope you will interview my services. I believe my experience with Steve was meaningful. I have coached with Tom Parry, friend of Mouse Davis, Mike Dunbar, and Greg Olsen who was @ Tampa Bay for 2 years. 
Sincerely, May you have many Blessings this Year(LB) 

LAWRENCE BULLOCK is just living the whole, 'It's not what you know, it's who you know' mantra. Living that shit real hard.

Brian D

Career job title: "Financial Analyst"
Current salary: "$48,000/yr"
Desired salary: "$50,000/yr"

I have no football coaching experience at any level. It would be a huge mistake to hire me for this position. 
Thank you for your consideration.


  • Whimsy bangs? CHECK
  • Unnecessary bow-tie symbolically representing your hatred for Bon Jovi? HE'S SO MAINSTREAM
  • Professor Vest? NAILED IT
  • Fashionable glasses? I SEE YOU
  • Dramatic pose clearly indicating that you do not care for the North Face? JACKPOT

THIS IS GOOD HIPSTERING. Also, Devil Dawgs is delicious.



I do not feel very good. We can't shoot worth shit. Kaminsky is still out. Dekker looks frustrated. Transitive property: I AM FRUSTRATED. Minnesota comes to Madison on a rough three game losing streak with DESIRE in their eyes. Bad juju all around. Hop on the Boowagon. THE PICK:





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