#SADFACE
WHO/WHERE/WHEN
TV: BTN
TV: BTN
BIG TEN FEAR RANKINGS
1. Michigan, 20-1 (7-1). Previous: 1
Is it just me or does this girl TOTALLY have a Bump It in her hair?
I was gonna ask her, but then I realized that's a borderline creepy thing for a dude to ask a girl on the train. My back-up plan was to pull up the Bump It infomercial on my phone and just stand in front of her until she realized and said, 'Wow, I LOVE Bump Its! I'm Victoria, nice to meet you!' That plan was also quickly eliminated. In the end, I iPhone Ninja'd her and went on with my day. Still extremely fascinated with Bump Its. Can't help it.
2. Indiana, 19-2 (7-1). Previous: 4
I thoroughly enjoy all these Crean handshake clips:
Thad's face is nothing short of priceless. I don't get how one can advance so far in this profession while being a COMPLETE coward.
PS - IU plays Michigan this weekend, which means one of them HAS to lose. I already look forward to downplaying the victory for whoever wins and ENTHUSIASTICALLY HIGHLIGHTING the defeat of the loser.
3. Ohio State, 16-4 (6-2). Previous: 3
They showed Greg Oden and Michael Redd sitting at the game Tuesday night:
Mike Redd is 8 years older than Oden but looks like he could be Greg's son. I cannot get over all these 35 year old recruits Matta brings in. Good luck figuring out whose dimepiece that is sitting betwixt them. I'm leaning 25% Oden's daughter, 25% Oden's girlfriend, and 50% Redd's wife.
4. Michigan State, 17-4 (6-2). Previous: 2
First I think of this:
Then I think of this:
5. Wisconsin, 14-7 (5-3). Previous: 5
The thought of living in Madison... knowing that Doritos Tacos exist... knowing that the Cool Ranch flavor is on the way... and not having that T-Bell on State Street makes me a little queasy. I have no idea how UW students are surviving these days. They need to stop protesting useless crap like child labor in Adidas factories in Malaysia and start making their voices heard about the IMPORTANT issues. Like having to go off-campus to get a Doritos shell CGC.
6. Minnesota, 16-5 (4-4). Previous: 8
I'm pretty sure Trevor Mbakwe's wrist was actually in pain. I know he injured it previously. But isn't it just so CONVENIENT that a 60% free throw shooter had to remove himself from the game when they needed two makes to send it to overtime?
My biggest problem with the whole situation is how they pick the replacement. In my head, the entire team would line up on the baseline, the lights in the stadium get turned down low, and the crowd goes silent. Bo paces back and forth in front of them, a spotlight following him. Nothing but the sound of his shoes tapping on the floor. One by one, Bo eliminates the good shooters a la Vinny in My Cousin Vinny: 'I'm done with THIS guy!' Eventually, two remain, the cameras zoom in on a disadvantaged youth (or yoot, if you're sticking with the MCV motif) in the crowd who starts a PERFECT slow clap. Within seconds, the Kohl Center is clapping in unison, Bo stops in front of their worst shooter, sticks a finger in his face, eats his soul, the crowd goes SILENT, and he says 'You.'
Perhaps I have too much free time on my hands.
7. Purdue, 11-10 (4-4). Previous: 7
I'm very off the Family Guy bandwagon, but if they made an hour long special out of this I'd watch it a thousand times:
Neil as the lawyer is GOLD.
8. Northwestern, 12-10 (3-6). Previous: 6
I spend a decent portion of my day wondering if I'm the only person who struggles MIGHTILY in deleting songs from their Spotify library. I guess the trick is that you have to delete the songs from the playlists they appear in. I call SHENANIGANS. This is complicated by having iTunes duplicate all of my playlists:
If anyone could hack my Spotify to never play this OneRepublic garbage again, I'd be very pleased.
PS - Went through a hard OneRepublic phase. Considered seeing them at the Lincoln Park Zoo. They were with Sugar Ray! Tickets were a thousand dollars and I couldn't sit next to any animales, so I got drunk and went to Wiener's Circle instead. Poochie's the only animal that actually talks to me.
9. Nebraska, 11-11 (2-7). Previous: 11
One of my irrational fears: falling through a manhole or one of those grates on the street. One of my new, not nearly as irrational fears? FIREBALLS SHOOTING UP FROM THE SEWERS:
It's like that scene in The Rock when they try flushing Mason and Goodspeed out of the sewer system. Only replace Alcatraz with Omaha and remove all of the Nic Cage. Womp.
10. Iowa, 13-7 (2-5). Previous: 9
I have some free advice for you all: do NOT watch Mrs. Doubtfire when you're drunk on a Friday night. There are some underrated really fucking sad parts in that movie: Robin Williams talking about needing his kids, Euphegenia Doubtfire soliloquizing about divorced families... I'm not saying there were #beertears, but hot damn, there were almost #beertears.
PS - 'I hope you bring cocktail sauce. She's got the crabs, dear, and I don't mean Dungeness.' - Could any joke be more over the head of a kid? There are like 12 of these jokes strewn throughout the movie that Kid-Brandon never even came CLOSE to understanding. Every movie geared towards children should contain at minimum 10 STD references for adults to laugh at. Dora should be making obscure syphilis jokes every episode. Thomas the Tank Engine NEEDS more sexual innuendo every time he plunges into a tunnel.
PS - 'I hope you bring cocktail sauce. She's got the crabs, dear, and I don't mean Dungeness.' - Could any joke be more over the head of a kid? There are like 12 of these jokes strewn throughout the movie that Kid-Brandon never even came CLOSE to understanding. Every movie geared towards children should contain at minimum 10 STD references for adults to laugh at. Dora should be making obscure syphilis jokes every episode. Thomas the Tank Engine NEEDS more sexual innuendo every time he plunges into a tunnel.
PPS - Can't decide between naming my dog Euphegenia or naming my first kid Euphegenia. Fantastic name, lifetime full of Doubtfire jokes. Win/win.
11. Illinois, 15-6 (2-5). Previous: 10
Let me tell you how thrilled I am about losing to this shithead team. EXTREMELY THRILLED.
12. Penn State, 8-12 (0-8). Previous: 12
This is where I have to remind you that UW barely beat this team at home. I hope they win a game at some point because I do not want to play an 0-17 team on Senior Day. Oh, who am I kidding, if we lose to this team on ANY day we don't deserve to go to the NCAA tourney.
RANDOM MUSIC THAT I'M DIGGING HARD THIS WEEK
James Dalby - Ignition (R. Kelly cover)
Um yeah, this is kind of incredible. Dude's mad talented.
The Pixies - Wave Of Mutilation
The Pixies are one of those bands that older people fucking LOVE and I think I'd enjoy too, but for one reason or another I've never really gotten around to listening to them. That is my observation on The Pixies.
The Strokes - Someday
The first time I listened to The Strokes, I think I described them as high quality elevator music. Maybe that was a little harsh, because they absolutely have some songs that I truly enjoy. But I could never really fall in love with their sound.
Superdrag - Sucked Out
I've had this song floating around my library for longer than I can remember. No clue where it comes from, never heard anything else by them, and that's how I plan on keeping it.
THIS WEEK'S GAMES IN HAIKU
Bounce back on Sunday
Road Warriors need a win
Maybe break 50?
I have slight concern
Iowa has our number?
YOU MUST FIX THIS, BO
YOUTUBE
WANTED: Job that lets me work from home so I can get a dog.
On 9/13/01, during the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace, the band played the Star Spangled Banner instead of the British National Anthem. GOOD ON YOU, RED COATS.
I've ALWAYS wanted to have a front row seat during a high speed chase.
I only have two questions after watching this video:
- What happens if they just push it again immediately after the football players carry the guy away? MORE drama?
- Is this redheaded kid...
...GERMAN ICE CREAM ON THE FACE KID THREE YEARS LATER?
Holy shit, I'm 99% sure it's the same kid. This is one of my top 5 favorite lookalikes EVER, unless it's the same person, in which case it's not even a lookalike.
FOOD PORN
I give you the Torta de Juicy Lucia: a PQM burger stuffed with pepper jack cheese and poblano rajas, topped with caramelized onions and roasted poblanos. On SOURDOUGH. All courtesy of my single favorite place to eat and drink in Chicago: Big Star. I struggle to find the words to explain how much I LOVE when burgers are stuffed with cheese and other goodies. The cheese kinda oozes out while it's cooking... ;alskdjf;alskdjf. Unfortunately, this was just a special, so I can't run over to Big Star any day I want to try it. But I can promise you that I will be diligently following them on Twitter and Instagram in hopes of eventually crossing paths with this tasty looking burger.
SKY PORN
#skyporn at BIG STAR? Holy shit, just the WEIRDEST of boners right now. My biggest nightmare in life currently is being at Big Star and having my phone's battery die before my food comes out and the sky morphs into purple hotness. Might not be able to sleep tonight just thinking about it.
PS - Instagram's tiny little square resolutions are the WORST.
PREDICTION CITY
I know I joked up above about us losing to Illinois on Sunday, but I think Bo will find a way to leave Urbana-Champaign with a victory. This Illinois team is pretty baffling - they beat Butler on a neutral floor, win at Gonzaga, and destroy OSU... and then they drop four out of their next five. I have NEVER been blown away by Brandon Paul or DJ Richardson - guys that I think would have developed very nicely under the tutelage of a certain Coach Ryan. UW should be pissed off after letting a prime opportunity in Columbus slip away. #RoadWarriors, MOUNT UP. THE PICK:
WISCONSIN 62, ILLINOIS 54
(Picking this team to score over 60 points is the single most daring thing I've done this year)
NO MORE LOSING TO IOWA. I don't like them. I don't like their coach. I don't like their ginger army. I don't like that they think they have our number. They are an inferior team and it's time to PLAY like that. Abuse them. Beat them badly. Scorch the mothertrucking Kohl Center nets on these bums. THE PICK:
WISCONSIN 66, IOWA 51
(66 = SCORCHED NETS)
ON WISCONSIN
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