Thursday, October 31, 2013

at Iowa

It's Iowa week, and that means only one thing: HEARTLAND TROPHY UP FOR GRABS:

HOT FIRE from the @UWMadison twitter account. LOVE IT. And it's just so logical that Wisconsin and Iowa battle for a trophy with a giant bull on it, isn't it? I mean, I don't know much about Iowan culture, but after growing up in Milwaukee and spending five years in Madison, I can safely say that the matador/bullfighting lifestyle is MORE than prevalent in the Midwest. However, there's one big problem here: I don't really know a whole lot about Iowa. I know that on a map I have a 50/50 shot of correctly identifying Iowa ('This one is Iowa, right? Or wait, is this Ohio? THIS IS A TRICK QUESTION'). I know that there's a Davenport in Illinois AND in Iowa. But that's really about it. LET'S DIG DEEPER:


The word 'professional' has a completely different definition in the Hawkeye state.

Minor league baseball, indoor football, American Hockey League, NBA D-League, professional sports. Got it. Technically the players on those teams make money, so I guess Iowa really is stacked with professional sports teams? THE MORE YOU KNOW

Twister was filmed in Iowa, which means it's time to talk about how much I love Twister.

I FUCKING LOVE TWISTER. There are roughly 15-87 movies that I will watch if they're on TV, no matter what. Twister is on that list. There's also this, from the filming of the movie:
Halfway through filming both Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt were temporarily blinded by bright electronic lamps used to get the exposure down to make the sky behind the two actors look dark and stormy. Paxton remembers that "these things literally sunburned our eyeballs. I got back to my room, I couldn't see".[3] The actors took eye drops and wore special glasses for a few days to recuperate. After filming in a ditch that contained bacteria, Hunt and Paxton had to have hepatitis shots. During the same scene, she repeatedly hit her head on a low wooden bridge because she was so exhausted from the demanding shoot that she forgot not to stand up so quickly.[3]Hunt did one stunt in which she opened the door of a vehicle that was speeding through a cornfield, stood up on the passenger side and was hit by the door on the side of her head when she let it go momentarily. As a result, some sources claim that Hunt got a concussion. 
Sources? The person who wrote the Wikipedia page for Twister was able to cite sources on the set of the movie? This movie is (oh my fucking god) 17 years old! Wikipedia itself is 12 years old.* I wish I had more sources.

And Aunt Meg's Breakfast. STOP I NEED THIS:

Steaks made from freshly butchered cows ('Did you see my cows out front? Oh! OHHHHH!???'), fried eggs cooking in the juice from those steaks, mashed potatoes and MEG'S FAMOUS GRAVY (it's practically a food group):

That right there is literally the best breakfast of all-time. You cannot top that. Mickies cannot top that. If m.henry and the Bongo Room conceived a child together, that kid couldn't top that. You might think it's weird that one of my key takeaways from a badass movie about tornadoes is how good the breakfast looked in one 10 second clip, but you'd simply be showing the world how AMATEUR of a film and food critic you were.

But a movie is nothing without a good cast, and I'm not just talking about the big name stars like Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt. Twister was loaded top-to-bottom, including:

HOME-WRECKER JERRY from Liar Liar. Hard to say whether he was a bigger villain in Twister (anonymously evil opposing storm-chaser with complete disregard for human life) or in Liar Liar:

First you steal Fletcher's wife, then you're gonna steal THE CLAWOn behalf of everyone, fuck you Jerry.

And who could forget THIS guy?

You know, really annoying tourist guy from Speed! The heart and soul of this vital exchange as the clock ticked down towards DEATH:
Tourist Guy: We're at the airport. 
Ortiz: Yeah, so? 
Tourist Guy: I already seen the airport.
Nothing like complaining about sightseeing while you're on a bus streaking towards the airport so it can circle runways to prevent it from blowing up and killing everyone on board. He just wanted to see the Hollywood sign!

PS - Aubrey was a smokeshow in Liar Liar, not sure how she didn't parlay that into some better roles and oh my god she was Robert California's wife in The Office?

For the first time in my life I think I prefer the blonde version. Okay, this needs to get back to Iowa talk.


Vodka Samm, professional student drinker. Love everything about this girl. Love her mugshot:

Love her outlook on life:

Love her Twitter game:

PS - Her story's actually kinda sad and I hope she gets her shit together. #TeamVodkaSamm

Shawn Johnson, 2008 gold medal gymnast. Only because the countdown to the Olympics is under 100 days now and I can't WAIT. Also, Nastia Lukin is going to be working for NBC, and anytime we get more Nastia, we are WINNING.

Herbert Hoover, U.S. President. Truthfully I just put him on here because when I saw 'Herbert' I got excited that it was Herbert Hancock, and then I spent 5 minutes googling 'Tommy Boy HERBIE hancock' and came up empty and now I'm eating a Reese's out of festive sadness.

T-Boz, of TLC fame. T-Boz has sickle cell anemia AND is part Native American. T-BOZ IS FASCINATING.

Tom Arnold, actor. If there's one thing in this world that I know as an absolute fact, it's that anytime someone makes a list of their favorite Arnold Schwarzenegger (spelled it right all by myself!) movies, True Lies and Eraser will be way, way too low. Both of those movies are in that same category as Twister. If they're on, I'm watching.

*Wikipedia'd 'Wikipedia' and that's your surefire sign that you should step away from the computer for a little bit:

CHICAGO BADGERS: I believe Will's has breakfast. Considering it's an 11 AM game, that might not be a bad idea. I say this now knowing that I'll be FIGHTING to get out of bed before 10. Fucking 11 AM games. The WORST.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! People keep asking me what I'm doing tonight. Um, I'm pretty sure when you're an adult, Halloween is just the weekend before the actual holiday. The day itself is for awkward office costume contests (NO SLUTS ALLOWED) and children. Although... playing flip cup at Red Monds decked out in costumes sounds kinda fun... annnnnd now I'm tempted. Damnit.

PS - Took Polaroids all night and went as Instagram. NO FILTERS NEEDED. GENUINE HIPSTER:




5) Live on Langdon Street

Seven days a year, living by Camp Randall is the coolest thing on the planet. The 420/Equinox/Lucky stretch on University has some really nice apartments and VITAL proximity to Riley's. I've never had a bad time at any house on Mifflin, regardless of block party status.

But for my money, nothing tops living on Langdon Street. People initially think of it as Frat Row, and yeah, obviously all the frats/sororities are there. But plenty of independents call Langdon home, and for good reason. A tree-lined street running along the lake, 5 feet from State Street? What else could you ask for? How about a short walk to the Terrace? Does that sound good to you?

As an independent, I'll say this: the Greek presence can get a little frustrating, but there's nothing wrong with giant, raging football pregame parties and sorority girls all over the place. It really just feels like there's always that palpable energy on the street, like it's its own mini-college town nestled inside a bigger, more sprawling college town. And I loved that feeling.

I lived on State Street for a year. I spent sophomore year at 420 (RIP Casa B's). But a few months into my junior year, I knew that Langdon was the spot to be. Spent the next three years there and didn't once wish I lived somewhere else.

PS - I lived at 211 Langdon, AKA the white house with the red door next to Sigma Chi. Only thing I'll tell you about that building is that a girl OD'd on heroin before we moved in there, and the Charter guy told me there were needles everywhere when he came in to do some work. I LIVED WITH A SPOOKY MADISON GHOST


6) Go to a Mallards game in the Duck Blind
7) Go drunk skinny dipping in Lake Mendota
8) Go to Ian's Pizza on Frances St. at bar time and devour two slices of Mac and Cheese pizza
9) Hook up in the Memorial Library cages
10) Steal a Terrace chair from the Memorial Union

Honorable Mentions: Shoutout posted in the Badger Herald, Wait in line overnight for tickets, Pontoon Porch


Chris Borland's Hamstring vs. My Personal Well-Being

I HATE the hamstring. It is by far my least favorite muscle. If you hurt your hamstring, you basically have to chop your leg off and put it in a hyperbolic chamber for 3 years and then reattach it. If you try to stay off it for a few weeks, the first time you run again it's going to tear into a million pieces. Hamstrings are the worst.

So now that we have Borland (my phone autocorrects Borland to BORLAND, says enough about me) nursing a hamstring, I am officially Threat Level Midnight Purple concerned. During the Illinois game, they couldn't move the ball a damn foot while CB44 was out there crushing skulls. But after he hurt his hammy (covering a punt, why is Borland covering a punt in a 14 point game against Illinois?), the defense got a little soft. Against the Illini with a big lead, you can handle that. On the road against a feisty (because they're not actually good, they're just annoying) Iowa team? No bueno.

In conclusion, I'd like to send the following video to Chris Borland's injured hamstring:


Easily my favorite song that I've discovered this year, Lonesome Dreams tells a dreamy metaphorical tale of how it feels to be alone in the world with the lyrics playing out literally on screen. Although the theme sounds foreboding, the track itself is anything but. It'd be easy to assume that the days of truly artistic music videos are behind us when you look at most of the nominees from Youtube and MTV for video of the year. Lord Huron definitely does not subscribe to this theory. (@abellwillring)

This beat though. Maximum volume required. (@DannyGoldin)

I spoke about codeine last week, this week we put it into effect. (JQW)

Don't hate.


Time to break the tie

Win out and it's BCS

We'll prob just get screwed


I love my alma mater.

NYC cops try to stop skateboarders and longboarders. SPOILER: they don't do a good job.

Everyone in the world has seen this by now, but I have to put it here so you know that I didn't miss it. CRY ON, BABY

Angry British Grandma found out her gas bill was going up 20%. She took her anger out in GTA. And if she goes on a killing spree across London, we can blame the gas company, right? Gas company > violent video game > MURDER.

My key takeaway:


A mountain of brisket on garlic bread, sweet potato fries, and baked beans from Pappy's in St. Louis. I have never had garlic bread with brisket, but it seems like a perfectly logical FUSION since both of them are fucking delicious. At some point in my life I'd love to try all the fantastic BBQ cities in this country. Someone pay for this trip for me. Thanks.


PS - If you've got some good #foodporn, send it my way!


Panorama of a badass sunset from a few weeks ago in Chicago. SO MUCH PURPLE

PS - If you've got some #skyporn, send it my way!


A picture my sister took of Mt. Shuksan in Washington. Sometimes I forget that people live near things like mountains. This is amazing.



PS - Is that a side-braid/chignon COMBO? Hot moves.


That's Gary Andersen in there trying to block Beau Allen. I'm so stupidly excited to see what this program is like once GA has had a few years to fully ingrain his culture. I HEART YOU, FOOTBALL FUNKHOUSER


If this game were in Madison, it'd be locked up guaranteed victory. But since we're on the road against a team that's shown some signs of life recently, I'm not QUITE as confident as I'd like to be. I think we're gonna win, and we probably win this game 8 times out of 10. But I have to be a little concerned about the perfect storm of events that could lead to us witnessing one of those low-probability losses.

Truthfully, I'm not expecting much of a letdown. We're coming off a bye, pretty healthy, and still have a decent chance at getting a BCS invite. That's worth playing for. That's worth winning for. THE PICK:



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