Thursday, October 10, 2013

#19 Northwestern

I am officially on #TeamMiley. There, I said it. I fucking love anything and everything that girl is doing with her life. Maybe it's because I'm a huge fan of letting your freak flag fly. Maybe it's because for the first time in my life I find myself incredibly attracted to a girl with a CLASSIC hipster haircut (it's not 'The Miley'. It's hipster hair. Don't kid yourself - double side buzz while quadrant 4 is free to roam like a herd of pre-Oregon Trail buffalo). Maybe it's because I can finally confirm that she is actually one hell of a singer:

I don't know what it is. I just know that I'm sick of people crying about her like she's fucking destroying society because she dresses like a college girl during Halloween and talks about sex and drugs and rock and roll and grinds up on a dick when she's dancing. Like kids haven't been doing that at dances since Miley was still on the Disney Channel. Give me a break.

She's 20 years old, rich, talented, and famous. She doesn't like riding horses, hates cats, and prefers real dogs to those tiny little rat-dogs. She watches Workaholics. She went to Haiti and helped deaf kids get hearing aids... and then raged on rum all night. I love all of this. And as for the whole tongue thing?

I just stick my tongue out because I hate smiling in pictures. It's so awkward. It looks so cheesy. Now people expect it, like, "Put your tongue out!" It's just easier that way. Taking pictures is so embarrassing. But there's also something about it that I think is cool. Every other girl is so serious – like, this is my moment on the red carpet, I'm in my ball gown, looking pretty. There's something empowering about what I'm doing right now. Especially having "short hair don't care." I think it's empowering for girls. Because there's not one thing that defines what beauty is.
It's taking everything in my power to avoid the MJ Tongue comparison, but I couldn't agree more with Miley here. Smiling in pictures and shit, so awkward. This girl preaches TRUTH at every turn, and that's refreshing from a celebrity.

Do your thang, Miley.


PS - My top plays on jukeboxes at bars:

PPS - This is what happens when there's a week without a Badger game to talk about. I literally lose my brain. Good god.

PPPS - Watching that video of Miley with The Roots reminds me of the day I learned that Lady Gaga was ALSO incredibly talented and not just another autotuned hack like Taylor Swift:

4xPS - Okay fine that Gaga video made me go back and watch one of my all-time favorites, so you might as well join me:

If Greyson isn't dating Blondie up there then I don't want to live in this cruel world anymore.

CHICAGO BADGERS: I'm heading up to Madison for the game, but you know the drill. Take advantage of that outdoor patio at Will's while the weather is still nice.

GET ME OUT OF YOUR SPAM/PROMOTIONS FOLDER: If these emails are dropping in your spam or promotions folder, just drag them to your inbox or mark them as 'not spam'. And make sure to check the setting to do that for all future emails from me. I'm a lot of things, but I am not spam.

DOES YOUR FRIEND/ROOMMATE/SISTER/MOM/COUSIN WANT TO GET ON THIS LIST? If so, shoot me their email address and I'll take care of it. Unless you selfishly enjoy being the middleman and forwarding it on to your friends yourself. I know you people are out there.

For the record, I have added several dads, but no moms. This must CHANGE.




7) Go drunk skinny dipping in Lake Mendota

In the months leading up to my freshman year in Madison, a couple kids drowned in random lakes throughout Wisconsin. They were college students. As a result, my mother was CONVINCED that I would step foot on campus, black out on grain alcohol, and drown 14 times in the lake before I could even buy my books. I'm shocked she didn't sneak a life jacket into my backpack before shipping me off.

So it shouldn't totally surprise you that I've never skinny dipped in Mendota. I've drunk-swum in Monona on the Pontoon Porch, but never in my five years as a student did I take a drunk, naked plunge into the Mendota waters. HOWEVER, I know some people that did. These are their stories:
Routinely swam naked in Mendota at bar time. Used to set up shop on a boat that dropped anchor about 50 yards out. Poor bastard has no idea my junk has been allllll over his captain's chair.
I can promise you that Captain Clueless would burn his ship to the bottom of the lake if he knew the person in question here. But I do like the idea of having a boat to set up shop on. Maybe a cooler with some cold Natty Lights. Sounds nice!
Only thing I remember was this one girl really wanted the D while a bunch of us were swimming, I think at pi phi.  Chicks were topless, but everyone had bottoms, so not sure that fully counts as skinny dipping.  I remember just throwing her though the air to see her tits, dec bod, tall, skinny, ugly face. Anyway, somebody, maybe [redacted], was like "watch out dude she has herpes..." so naturally I just went home.  
I don't think she had an outbreak... probably should have taken her down.
Probably. Maybe.
Got a blowjob after bars on one of the pontoons that was parked outside of DU or whatever those docks are down there. Swam out to the boat naked and basked in the glory. Came home and I was covered in algae or whatever that shit is that floats around. Feel bad for the girls mouth, I'm pretty sure that's how swine flu started.
I am never teaching my future-daughters how to swim.
It was the summer going into my Junior year, and I was taking classes in Madison. From my experience, a summer in Madison is essential to the college experience, as each season provides a different feel/experience for students. Open Mic night/ pitchers at the Terrace, Brats patio, Johnny O's patio, James Madison Park...all is wonderful in the summer, except for my Microbiology professor who gave me a BC. Up until this point I had yet to skinny dip in Lake Mendota. It was a Sunday, and we decided to have a little Darty in Equinox (Props to Nick Luebke). 
Started drinking at 11, and at about 2, I realized I wasn't going to study for my test the next day, so I manned up, and bought a liter of fireball for the rest of the day. We had dinner at BrickHouse BBQ across the street where the pulled pork sandwich is to die for, then got back to playing drinking games in Equinox. One of the girls with us was a "sister" of Pi Phi and we wanted to use her for her extremely hot body and the Pi Phi dock. Seeing how she was being cold to the guys, we settled on the Pi Phi dock. The crew at Equinox (5 guys 6 girls, hella good ratio) decided to head to the Pi Phi dock and go for a night swim. 
We all jump in around 11 as I checked skinny dipping off the Madison Bucket List. However, I feel the Brickhouse BBQ making its way down my body and I have to take a dump. I had never taken an "aqua dump" before, but I felt like this might be a great time to try it. After debating about a minute on how bad this is for the beautiful Lake Mendota, I needed to go badly. Being night and having no lights, not only could I just poop in the middle of the group without anyone seeing, but no one would see my pooping face either. So I got it over with and swim away fast. A couple minutes later a good buddy of mine bumps into the shit and he knows what it is right away. Maybe its because he wants to be in the FBI, but he has major talent that he could tell it was poop. Of course I'm the first to chime in and say it was "Tina". Everybody else joined in on blaming her and all was well for knocking 2 things off my Madison Bucket List. No I didn't get laid that night, but still a great memory.
I'm guessing Tina didn't get laid either.


8) Go to Ian's Pizza on Frances St. at bar time and devour two slices of Mac and Cheese pizza
9) Hook up in the Memorial Library cages
10) Steal a Terrace chair from the Memorial Union

Honorable Mentions: Shoutout posted in the Badger Herald, Wait in line overnight for tickets, Pontoon Porch


Northwestern's Dual-Quarterback Shenanigans vs. Wisconsin Defensive Coordinator Dave Aranda

I'm not sure how I feel about the whole 'two quarterbacks on the field at the same time' gimmick. Yes, I suppose it's yet another wrinkle for opposing defenses to have to account for, but sometimes it just seems incredibly stupid to me:

In Northwestern's defense, I'm going to assume their 2-QB look features the more athletic Kain Colter out wide - a kid who's rushed for 250 yards this year and caught a touchdown pass. But still, if you're Wisconsin, wouldn't you rather have your cornerback covering a quarterback instead of a wide receiver? Like there's no way Colter is burning any of our corners in 1-on-1 coverage... so is he just out there as a decoy? I'm not sure I get it. The real experts out there probably break down hours of tape to get that high-level understanding of how this works - I don't have that kind of time. I'll just say I hope they keep Colter under center as much as possible because I like our odds of stopping the rushing QB more than I do with the traditional pocket passer.

UW Athletic Department's Desperate Ploys vs. Students Being Students

This week, any student showing up more than a half hour before kickoff will get a $5 gift certificate for concessions at any Badger game through the end of the season. Kinda cool. But if they think $5 is gonna get kids who show up mid-way through the first quarter in their seats before the game starts, they're outside of their brains. I'll give them this, though: their previous idea of giving 1 or 2 fans a trip the Rose Bowl was completely worthless. Getting kids to show up on time for a guaranteed, tangible reward? Probably not, but maybe. Getting kids to show up on time for a minuscule chance at a trip? No fucking way.

I'm at the point now where I don't care about the students showing up late. They've got the rest of their goddamn lives to get to games on time. For now, let them enjoy a couple extra beers. Let them take their time moseying on over to the stadium, occasionally stopping for a booze boost. If they didn't have to fill the student section from the bottom-up, the late arriving crowd wouldn't look so glaring. There are plenty of people showing up late in every section, it's just that those empty seats are scattered throughout the section, not uniformly stacked at the top. It may look sucky on TV, but it's just how it's gonna be.


The male/female harmonies of this track might evoke a few memories of Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes' megahit Home but fortunately for Kopecky Family Band's hopes for lasting success, the rest of their music is far more accessible. If you dig this one, check out the rest of their debut album, "Kids Raising Kids." - @abellwillring

[I bet 'evoke' is the most commonly used word in music reviews.]

If you've never snorted cocaine to Clipse god-bless you. Hell Hath No Fury rivals anything Biggie put out. But Clipse broke up after Malice found Jeebus. Pusha T? He found Kendrick Lamar. - JQW

I know Fuckin Problems was a top-40 hit, but I'm not really sure if ASAP is a household name yet. Regardless, his mixtape 2 years ago and his album in January are easily the best two rap albums of the past 2 years, which simultaneously indicates both how good ASAP is, and how shitty rap has been. - @DannyGoldin

I've been kind of obsessed with this song for the last two weeks. Usually the FIFA soundtracks are all crazy Euro trash electronic music. But this is fantastic and I look forward to listening to it non-stop for the next couple months until I get so sick of it that I never listen to it again. Lather, rinse, repeat.

PS - I double dog dare you to listen to this song more than once and not start air drumming the drum solo.


All I know is if

They're Chicago's Big Ten team,

I'm Miles Davis


Chicago Timelapse Project - Windy City Nights from Max Wilson on Vimeo.

If you haven't watched this by now, you need to. Two YEARS taking time-lapse video all over Chicago... and the results are incredible. As someone who enjoys taking pictures and videos, I hate this guy's whole family for how good he is.

Probably my new favorite kid, slightly edging out German Ice Cream Kid and Drunk Baby.

PS - 'I don't even know why I ate that much food. I will not eat that much food again.' Roughly a 98% chance I've muttered those exact words within the last 6 months. 


From my understanding, the guy with the camera made a giant My Little Pony as a gift for someone. A couple of drunk guys stole it. He tracked them down, became best friends with them, hugged them, and drove the pony back home on a bike. Denmark seems like a SPLENDID place to live, and I'm not even being sarcastic.

PS - Dying to know what the difference is between a girl-buddy and a girlfriend. Was hoping a girl-buddy was just a broken translation of girlfriend, but then he used the word girlfriend and now I'm back at the intersection of ground zero and square one and I'm lost.


Chocolate chip pancakes and a mason jar full o' chocolate milk from Pauline's. I think the original location in Andersonville is a pretty big deal, but I have no idea. All I know is this spot opened up right around the corner from my apartment recently and it is EXACTLY what we needed. Good diner breakfast food hits the spot on a Saturday or Sunday morning when you're fighting off a hangover and need something delicious to occupy your stomach. Pauline's was spot on in that regard. The service was a little weird (I think Pauline herself was evaluating our waitress while she was in the middle of taking our order, and our waitress kept saying 'you're welcome!' even when no one said anything to her), but that can be expected in the immediate aftermath of opening a new location.

Also, I couldn't tell you the last time I had chocolate chip pancakes, but it has been way, WAY too long. If I make it to 100 years old (probably not), I'm having chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast on my birthday and I don't care what I have to do to make that happen. A timeless treat.


I was waiting for a Brown Line the other day when this Red Line shot past. Pretty happy I looked up when I did because there was an awesome sunset going on directly behind me. And look! There's my head!


Couple days ago, I'm hopping on the Red Line downtown when I see a guy get on behind me carrying what looks like the cage for one of those annoying little dogs rich people own. Obviously I stick close by trying to figure out if he's just a bum and he keeps his possessions in there, or...

HE JUST BE SITTIN' ON HIS KITTEN. Can't really see the cat from this pic (had to iPhone Ninja Snap it), but there was 100% an adorable little kitten in there. I may hate cats, but I will recognize that kittens are fucking cute even if they kind of inherently suck. Anyway, this kinda had me wondering about bringing pets on the CTA. Do you remember parrot hipster guy?

If he tried boarding a train like that, would he get through the turnstile before CTA security would grab him? Personally, I'm perfectly fine with pets in cages or on shoulders. I think they're MUCH less of an issue than humans that block the doors or hoard the poles. In fact, I think the CTA should hire people to bring puppies on the train to make people hate their commute just a little bit less. Like when they bring dogs to libraries or old people homes! What's the biggest concern when you bring a puppy on the train? That they'll pee and poop everywhere? Bums already do that; it's not like it's gonna smell any worse on the train if there's little baby puppy poop every once in a while.

UPDATE: Official word from the buzzkills at the CTA:

MOST unfortunate.


Time to get this train back on track. I like our chances on Saturday. Northwestern is coming fresh off one of the most devastating losses in nerd history. They built their entire season around hosting OSU in a pivotal night game with Gameday coming to town. And then they promptly blew a third quarter lead and realized that they are still Northwestern.

UW, on the other hand, has had 2 weeks to get healthy and think about what they need to do to beat Northwestern and get this season back under control. MGIII is ready to be unleashed after a disappointing and injury-plagued showing in Columbus. The defense that gave up too many easy touchdowns wants nothing more than to shut down TWO of their stupid quarterbacks.

The alumni are back in town (hey, that's me!), the students should realize the home slate is all downhill for here, and the entire city knows that the weather is gonna get worse before it gets better. Gotta appreciate these days while they last. Everyone steps up, everyone gets drunk, and everyone lives forever. THE PICK:



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