Thursday, February 6, 2014

#9 Michigan State & Minnesota

There isn't much that needs to be said about this team right now. Instead, here's your guide to the Winter Olympics. Ranking the events, REVERSE ORDER:

16. Cross Country Skiing. BO-RING. Any event that my dad does as a recreational exercise is not a sport I really care about. You gotta be in ridiculous shape to be good at it, but any time you strap skis on and spend more time hoofing it uphill than flying downhill, you're really taking a curious path in life. 

15. Stray dog MURDER. Goddamnit Russia. I'm over here in First World America desperate for a dog and you're sitting on a dog GOLD MINE. And your solution is to hire some kind of animal MERCENARIES to murder all the hounds? DO NOT LIKE.

For real, that the Olympics are being held somewhere that has a stray dog problem should be our first red flag. Forget the crippling infrastructure issues and Big Brother-y spy conditions - only the poorest, most busted places on this planet have stray dog populations big enough to notice. You know what places have big stray dog populations? India. Philippines. Romania. Serbia. Taiwan. Thailand. Russia. Puerto Rico. That's a veritable who's who of places that should never host an expensive, important, worldwide celebration of competition.

PS - Cross country skiing is still worse.

14. Nordic Combined. Cross country skiing with a dash of ski jumping. A big moment as we've reached the first event that I will only watch if it's 3 in the morning and it's on MSNBC and there's literally nothing else on and I'm wondering where the fuck the late night curling is.

13. Luge. The skeletors look at these guys and think they're pussies. The bobsledders ask them about the cool movie about the Jamaican luge team. Ipso facto, no one cares about the luge unless it's made of ice and funneling alcohol into your gullet.

12. Freestyle Skiing. So cool in theory, so X Games in practice. I'll never be able to tell who's doing something cooler than the previous person. Pass.

11. Speed Skating. If you took the upper body of a swimmer and the lower body of a speed skater, you would literally have the biggest monster the world has ever seen. POWER:

That tan line is OUTRAGEOUS.

10. Snowboard. Bonus points for having a more dangerous course than the K-13:
''It looks pretty sketchy, the rails are sticky,'' Roope Tonteri, the 2013 world champion in men's slopestyle, was quoted as saying. ''I think they wanted to make big kickers, and it's not really good for riders, and it's not really safe. I just don't want to get injured. It's not a really fun course to ride.'' 
Sebastien Toutant of Canada told the Olympic News Service, ''It's like jumping out of a building.'' 
Seamus O'Connor, a U.S.-born 16-year-old rider who is competing for Ireland in the snowboard halfpipe and slopestyle, told the Irish media that the course was ''pretty dangerous'' and urged the athletes to seek changes. 
''They overbuilt the jumps because they were anticipating that the snow would melt. At the moment, the riders are not happy,'' O'Connor was quoted as saying. 
"With the practice runs I have taken, even after course modifications and watching fellow athletes get hurt, the potential risk of injury is a bit too much for me to gamble my other Olympics goals on," White said. 

If that crazy motherfucker Shaun White is too scared, then I think we've officially reached must-watch status for this event. Not that I'm cheering for insane crashes and terrifying injuries, but DANGER IS FASCINATING.

9. Bobsled. Obligatory:

I will NEVER understand what that anonymous European asshole was thinking talking shit to the Jamaicans in a bar. It's not like they were gonna challenge him to a bobsled race to settle the debate. Yul Brenner was a bad, bad man. Last guy in the bar I'm fucking with.

8. Ski Jumping. It's gonna be pretty sweet when NBC starts rolling out all the GoPro footage of practice jumps. That will be the moment that I confirm that this 4th grade girl is tougher than I am:

7. Biathlon. Let's assume first came cross country skiing, then came Nordic Combined, and then came the biathlon. Cross country skiing is boring as fuck, so they tried to fix it by letting them do some ski jumping. But that didn't quite work, so they decided to let them shoot some guns instead. HD is also great for this event because you can really see all the drool and spit flying off these nutjobs' faces as they're gasping for air.

6. Alpine Skiing. All about that GIANT jump at the end of the course. No idea if that's required in every alpine course (it should be), but I could watch these people fly through the air all day:

UPDATE: Not only did Russia have the giant jump at the end of their downhill course, but it was a MURDER JUMP! When world-class professional skiers are terrified, you know it must be an INSANE course. The men were hitting 90 MPH seconds into their runs, and half of them couldn't even finish the course. One woman hurt both her knees. Fun for the whole family! #RUSSIA

5. Curling. CAN'T WAIT:

4. Short Track Speed Skating. How to win a gold medal as an Australian at the Winter Olympics:

3. Skeleton. Yeah let's go face first on a little sled down an icy course at 85 MPH. Because that's not the scariest thing in the world. At least the helmets are cool:


2. Figure Skating. Gymnastics of the winter. And just like gymnastics, the women are much, MUCH more fun to watch. Plus, there's a sneaky amount of drama in figure skating. One year we get the Nancy Kerrigan/Tonya Harding mess; another year we get the crooked French judge hosing the Canadians. What's in store this year? I vote for a stray Sochi dog interrupting a performance and then adorably licking the tears off a distraught Russian girl's face after she blows her triple Lutz-double Salchow combo. The strays will play a role in these games, I PROMISE YOU.

UPDATE: It's already happening:

Oh, that's so cute! Mongrel is getting ready for the big cross country skiing event!

And then Putin showed up, clapped his hands twice, and the dog MERCENARIES arrived because #RUSSIA.

PS - Mongrel is lucky he decided to poke his head around a boring cross country event and not the biathlon.

1. Ice Hockey. USA. Canada. REVENGE. The only thing that sucks is that these games will be at like 6 am America time. No way you can avoid the score all day and watch after work. This might just be my selfish American attitude talking, but I really think they should play these games at 5 am Sochi time. Hockey players are used to getting up really early; they won't mind.





1) Michigan State,  19-3 (8-1). I hope we don't lose by 50! Yay!

2) Michigan, 17-5 (9-1). They're running a real tight ship over there in Ann Arbor. Lemme tell ya.

3) Penn State, 12-10 (3-6). You will NEVER guess who has the longest winning streak in the Big Ten. NEVER.

4) Ohio State, 18-5 (5-5). Pooping at the Olympics is such an ADVENTURE. Before you even THINK about doing your business, you must learn the rules:

No peeing on top of the seat, no puking, no POOP FISHING, and never, under ANY circumstances are you to use your epipen/shoot heroin while spread eagle on the floor in front of the toilet. GOT IT. #RUSSIA

Except, that top-right no-no seems like a yes-yes when you encounter this toilet:

Who knows. Maybe you find a normal toilet, cut a chocolate dragon, and you're cleaning up. Keep one thing in mind: Sochi and plumbing go together like lamb and tuna fish:

5) Northwestern, 12-11 (5-5). This was the most interesting thing I read during the last week. Random ice cream truck driver (not creepy) from Ohio (wait now it's creepy) cracked the code of a game show, won a bunch of money, and, well, you should just read it and see how the tale unfolded. I enjoyed watching the host of the show lose his brain as Mr. Larson kept winning, and winning, and winning. NO WHAMMY

I had no idea had intrepid journalism.

6) Iowa, 17-6 (6-4).  I got SO excited on the train the other night because I thought I saw Rudy:

7) Wisconsin, 18-5 (5-5). Beat a terrible Illinois team in front of 4,000 fans during a blizzard? WE BACK

8) Nebraska, 11-10 (3-6). For reasons that I don't feel like explaining, I had to take a road test to get an Illinois license last week. The instructor followed me out to my car, did her little examination, and then told me to get out because she couldn't do the test. I guess the tint on my dad's factory Honda Accord was too dark for Illinois law. I resisted every urge inside me to blow up and asked her to speak to her supervisor, because this is just ridiculous.

While she was talking to her sup, I was contemplating my next move. I settled on sitting on the floor and forcing them to call the police to remove me if they wouldn't let me just do the damn test. Fortunately, she just said 'fuck it' and took me out. I literally had to drive 1 block for a total of 2 minutes before we turned back. I'M LEGAL

9) Indiana, 14-8 (4-5).  Cats suck, but baby leopards are ADORABLE:


10) Purdue, 14-9 (4-6). Leave it to the Japanese to figure out a way to make ski jumping entertaining: TIRE JUMPING

Worth sticking it out to the end just to see MEGA TIRE wreck everything.

11) Minnesota, 15-8 (4-6).  LITRALLY:

12) Illinois, 13-10 (2-8). Thank you for being you. We needed you.


The past decade, Yelawolf has went from being homeless to being Eminem's protege. Watch this video and be happy you don't live in Alabama.. (@DannyGoldin)

This video was a rare Facebook post I did about a year ago and if I had to guess not a single person watched it. I claimed it was the best music video of the year. You didn't care. GFY. (JQW)

My favorite indie rock band from the UK have gone back to their roots and brought all of the original members back together for their 4th album, None the Wiser. Lead single, Heebie Jeebies is a prototypical 2 minute punk rock jam that wears their inspiration on its sleeve. Fans of The Clash and The Jam and other mod rock bands of the 70s and 80s will be in love at first listen. (@abellwillring)

And this oral history of College Dropout is your #longread of the week. Good luck keeping all those names in order, but damn if it isn't interesting as hell to read the story of how one of the best hip hop albums of all-time came to be. Kanye was RELENTLESS. He may be a touch crazy, but no denying straight-up talent.


So scared of Izzo

Remember when Bo owned him?


Hey Minnesota

Hate your colors, hate your face

Please join Canada


This might be my single favorite Office blooper. I've linked to the 20 minute masterpiece of Office bloopers, but you may have seen 20 minutes and said 'fuck that'. I don't blame you. Let's just cut to the chase and watch the good stuff. Please note Andy hiding behind the wall because he's losing his shit so badly. Thank you for noting that.

PS - Nothing is really funnier than watching really funny people unable to control their own laughter. That's the essence of bloopers.

PPS - The second blooper in that 20 minute reel (Michael and his plasma TV) is actually better... but I can't find that isolated clip. WATCH IT ALL

GoPro footage from Felix Baumgartner's 24 mile outer space free fall thing. I want a GoPro, but then I realized that no one really wants to see GoPro footage of riding a crowded train and sitting in front of a computer all day. I would be a bad GoPro.

IMPORTANT BACK STORY: This harmless, innocent little kid posted a video to his YouTube channel ECSTATIC that his previous video got one 'like'. So he made this video hoping to get 3-5 likes. Reddit caught wind of it, and then this happened:

He reacted about how you'd expect:

I just hope the internet doesn't start being mean to him. BE NICE, INTERNET

PS - 'Hey YouTube, I didn't see you there... Oh wait, I DID!' Kid is a genius.

PPS - That little Wrecking Ball cover really sold me. I'm all-in on Sir Fedora.


No big deal, just an Argentinian pork and bacon sausage with Chimichurri and sweet Swiss cheese and a side of duck fat fries from Hot Doug's. For me, it's a no-brainer stop when you have a car and find yourself away from work during the day. There are a million places in Chicago to eat, but most of them have normal hours, or take reservations, or are easily replicated. Hot Doug's is none of the above. If the opportunity presents itself, you go. You don't ask questions. You don't hesitate. You go, and you chew real hard.


A beautiful Hawaiian sunset. And don't you just LOVE seeing someone Instagramming their face off from the beach in Hawaii while you're wearing blankets like moomoos in Chicago?


  • That 'Love!' button on the Chicago side.
  • That 'Ugh!' button on the Hawaii side.
  • Chicago's 'feels like' subtracts 17 degrees; Hawaii's 'feels like' adds 2 degrees?
  • Very cold. Thank you very MUCH, Mr. Ducksworth!


  • Hey Hawaii, I remember my first time being sunny.

PS - There are some words where you don't really need context to figure out what they mean. Moomoo is one of those words. The fuck if a moomoo is anything other than some giant piece of fabric draped around a boomba.

PPS - I don't care if it's spelled differently - it will always be moomoo to me.

PPPS - Moomoo, Hawaiian origin, TOPICAL

4xPS - That second 'a' in Hawaii throws me off about 100% of the time.



Dekker's hitting threes and free throws, Kaminsky is due for a big game even though he's not a Jew, and the entire team is about to start draining. I feel this. I believe this. LET'S WIN. THE PICKS:




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