Thursday, February 27, 2014

at Penn State and Purdue

We're going to start today with something that has absolutely nothing to do with Badger basketball. Instead, I want everyone to read this Facebook post of a woman eviscerating her boyfriend after she found out he was cheating on her:
Dirty laundry time! I don't usually share drama on social media, but I need to bring this to the world's attention. I know you've seen a lot of activity from me lately flaunting my adorable relationship with the boyfriend, Jason Stonebraker. While these things truly happened, I was not honest with you about my true feelings. These posts were part of a plan to end my relationship. Let me tell you why. 
I recently found out my wonderful, committed boyfriend (with whom I currently live) has been cheating on me with at least five women. They range in age and appearance and are, I'm sure, just the tip of the iceberg. I'll choose to take the high road here and not divulge their names. It all started when I stumbled upon his phone and found some very incriminating texts and pictures. For the record, I am no snooper. It's just not my style. I was only curious, just wondering what he'd been up to. I have nothing to hide and assumed he didn't either. 
But sure enough, I struck infidelity gold and discovered what a twisted psychopath he really is. 
The fun part of the story is that when he left for work this morning, I kissed him goodbye and asked what he'd like for dinner tonight. Tonight when he gets home, however, he will find an empty apartment and this letter: 
February 24, 2014 
To Coach Jason (Stoney) Stonebraker: 
YOU ARE A FOOL. You're a liar, a cheater, and a borderline pedophile. You disgust me. You've used me and taken me for granted far too long. I will not waste one more precious minute with your sorry self. 
You call me crazy—the lamest, most overused derogatory insult for a woman. (I know you struggle with big words, so derogatory=bad.) I'll admit, I was crazy. Crazy for lowering my standards for you. Crazy for believing you had potential. Crazy for making excuses for your faults and overlooking your downfalls. Crazy for believing you when you told me you loved me and wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. Crazy for wasting 2 1/2 years on you. Crazy to move from Nashville to Bowling Green to be with you. Like I always say, "Behind every crazy woman is a man who made her that way."
I couldn't care less what you think of me. Lions do not lose sleep over opinions of sheep. 
To reiterate (that means "go over it again"): I am light years out of your league. I am smarter than you, more successful than you, and kinder than you deserve. I DESERVE BETTER THAN YOU. And everyone knows it. I see the look in your friends' eyes. The look that says "why are YOU with HIM?" None of my friends or family can stand you and have eagerly encouraged me to leave you for years. I should have listened sooner. 
About the apartment: I terminated the lease weeks ago. (Yes, WEEKS.) It's up March 31st. You have two options: 1) pay March rent or 2) GTFO. We both know you're broke with barely an income, so I assume you'll move back in with mommy and daddy—if they let you. Remember how happy they were when I moved to Bowling Green a year ago and you FINALLY moved out of their house? LOL 
You're a broke, 30 year old manwhore who lives with his parents. And it's likely you'll be without a job very soon. So lame. 
I feel as though an elephant has been lifted from my shoulders—or should I say a yeti? I've supported you, I've paid for EVERYTHING, I've cooked, cleaned, and done your laundry. I gave you my entire heart and everything I have but still this wasn't enough for you. You've wanted for nothing, yet you still felt the need for attention from other women? You just needed your ego stroked—among other things. Because that's the kind of person you are. You are a twisted psychopath and a master manipulator of women. You flaunt a bravado to cover up your wild insecurities. You are the most pretentious egomaniac I've ever met. (All those big words mean "you talk a big game but you ain't shit.") 
In conclusion, I am elated to be done with you. Thank you for giving me an easy out. I've struggled with wanting to leave you for months but my big heart didn't want to hurt YOU or leave you stranded without a place to live. (Really, where are you going to go?) In light of your multiple infidelities, I have found clarity and peace. I may mourn the loss of a relationship, but I will never mourn you. I cannot wait to get you out my life. I'd rather live in a polar vortex for a hundred years than spend one more day with you. 
I will go on to be the amazing, independent woman that I am: charming, successful, kind, clever, witty, faithful, talented, and wicked list of attributes is a mile long. 
And you're the fool that let me go. 
Bless your stupid, stupid heart. 
P.S. Although I'm sure there've been countless others, your epic douchery has come to my attention only in the past few weeks. Everything I've done since then has been a calculated step in my overall strategy to leave you. Nothing I've done has been without purpose. Holding my tongue and acting as if everything was normal: the purpose was to blindside you. AND IT WORKED. The whole twitter ordeal and tagging you on social media: the purpose was to call attention to myself and let the other women know you had a live-in CURRENT girlfriend so they could also see what a dog you are. AND IT WORKED. Packing my belongings bit by bit "to sell in a yard sale": the purpose was to make it easier on me moving day. AND IT WORKED. Telling you I'm working from home today: the purpose was so I could pack in peace whilst you were at school. AND IT WORKED. 
Not only do you take me for granted, but you also overwhelmingly underestimate me. 
Hell hath no fury as that of a woman scorned, Jason. 
I have already moved on from you. And it was easy. 
So the moral of this story is, a man should never underestimate a woman with bigger balls.

A couple things:
  • It does not matter what her face looks like, this guy is outkicking the coverage in a HUGE way. She could have 3 eyeballs and vampire teeth and he'd still be coming out WAY ahead:
I did not add that facial hair in after the fact. It is real and no seriously, it's real.
  • However, you cannot say you're not a snooper and then stumble upon someone's phone, open it, and go through their messages. I'm sorry, honey. Can't have it both ways.
  • I'm a big fan of the ongoing theme of making fun of his limited vocabulary. When it rains, it pours.
  • My first reaction to seeing the picture was, 'he's got an attractive girlfriend?' And then I read it and what kind of witchcraft is he employing that he's got SIX girls actively boning him?
  • Ooo, just noticed the sneaky little photobomb in that pic. NICE
  • Is that line about lions not losing sleep over the opinions of sheep a Game of Thrones reference? I REALLY hope that line was a Tywin Lannister original, and that this girl is just a big GoT fan.
  • I really cannot get over that facial hair. WHAT IS THAT? SIX girls exist in this world that see that facial hair and want to go to Bone Town?
  • Between this and True Detective, I was wondering why these people cheat and leave all the evidence sitting right there on their phones. But then I realized that only fucking morons cheat. And Marty was doing his deeds before Snapchat existed. Stoney is just a dickwad with no excuse.
End result? He's not coaching high school basketball anymore, and she rescinded her post saying she didn't expect it to go viral. Whatever. Like she said when she took that post down: she's still got bigger balls.






1) Wisconsin, 23-5 (10-5). BLACK IN FIRST IN THE FEAR RANKINGS:

2) Michigan, 20-7 (12-3). I won't say I was rooting for Michigan to beat Purdue and put us a game out of first, but I wasn't devastated by their last-second overtime win. Most likely, they would've won the rest of their games and we'd finish a game behind them. And you know what would happen then? 'Oh my god I can't believe we lost to Northwestern at home, we would've won the Big Ten if we didn't choke that one away! UGHGHHGHG;ASLDKJF;LASKDJF;LASKDJ'

I am okay with not having to go through that mindfuck.

3) Ohio State, 21-6 (8-6). I was so excited about this because I got the Breaking Bad reference right away! I'm one of the cool kids now!


4) Michigan State,  22-6 (11-4). They're getting healthy at just the right time. They're going to make a run in March. This is your free bracket advice that everyone should understand by now. Don't let them catch you by surprise.

5) Nebraska, 16-11 (8-7). I've never understood those inflatable characters that flop around wildly in front of Jiffy Lubes. But now? Now they all make sense:


6) Iowa, 19-8 (8-6).  Obligatory #IowaTears pic after we took care of them on their home floor:

There's good symmetry here. Other than the scoreboard.

7) Minnesota, 18-11 (7-9). I really enjoyed this piece from GQ, where the author spent a week working as an UberX driver. I'm a HUGE UberX fan for the following reasons:
  • The cars are nicer than your typical cab.
  • The drivers range from typical cab driver on one end of the spectrum, to cool person just making a few extra bucks in their spare time on the opposite end.
  • They're cheap as fuck.
  • One time this girl picked me up from Union Station and I noticed she had a Wisconsin water bottle in her cup holder. I got very excited.
But after reading that article, I was stunned to see that some people sit in the front of a cab/Uber when they're riding solo. That's absolutely loco. Just like urinal etiquette* and CTA eltiquette, there's cab etiquette. And Cab Etiquette 101 states that you only sit up front when you have 4 people. Or when there's puke in the backseat. Although, it was kind of adorable when the guy sat up front and just fell asleep right away.

*The fuck are there not two 't's in the beginning of the word 'etiquette'? That's some breaking news in my world.

8) Illinois, 16-12 (5-10). Weekly Adorable Animal GIF:

9) Penn State, 13-14 (4-10). If you haven't yet, this is your reminder to take off a day (or two) for the first two days of the NCAA tournament. And if you want to gamble on which day Wisconsin will be playing, I'd put my money on Thursday. Of course, that's assuming we get one of the protected spots in Milwaukee, and that's also assuming that I'm reading everything correctly and the Milwaukee games are locked in for Thursday/Saturday. Can't wait for Pizza Hut, Rolling Rock, and no death couches sending me to get Saturday morning tetanus shots. AIM HIGH

10) Purdue, 15-13 (5-10). When I'm on the train and the windows are all steamed up, there's only one thing on my brain:

Given the conditions, that's a pretty FRESH Motion Dub.

11) Indiana, 15-12 (5-9).  Let me clarify something: I was never complaining about Crean doing the blow-by handshakes. I loved them! They so perfectly embodied the way he lives his life. So now that he's stopping to chat for a few seconds, I feel robbed. Stop pretending, Tom. You know who you are.

PS - The Hoosiers have the returning B10 Sixth Man of the Year, a stud point guard, and a top-5 NBA draft pick on their team and they might not make the NIT. But I'm sure Crean is a really good coach and he's got good recruits coming in so he'll figure it out.

12) Northwestern, 12-16 (5-10). Since Northwestern fans are the most likely fans to read a book during a sporting event, I wanna talk about Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. I just finished it last night, and I have some thoughts:
  • I was patiently waiting for Dumbledore to come back and save the day. I'm not sure how hiding a sword in the Sorting Hat made sense, but the Phoenix usage was superb.
  • Okay I just re-read it and apparently only Harry could've gotten Godric's sword out of the Sorting Hat? Fine. Whatever.
  • All this book did was confirm what I've thought since I first started reading Harry Potter: Slytherin is bad news, and keeping them around is like the evil villain slowly explaining every step of their evil plan to the good guy instead of just KILLING the good guy. Are the Malfoys big donors or something? Does Hogwarts NEED Slytherin tuition money to stay afloat?
  • You know who makes no fucking sense? Aragog. One second he's saying he doesn't harm humans, the next he's telling his kids to just fucking EAT them like they're a couple of Jack's frozen pizzas. Aragorn > Aragog. FACT
  • I had about 15 pages left and I really wanted to finish reading it last night, but I was going to the Bulls game and didn't wanna lug the hardcover with me. Solution? Take a picture of each of the remaining pages on my phone:
  • You don't see a lot of Myrtles out there these days. I'm confident that fewer than 15 girls were born in 2013 and named 'Myrtle'. And bless those poor girls that got stuck with one of the most old person names in the game. MALE EQUIVALENT: Ira. If there's an Irritating Ira in the third book then I'm burning it and never mentioning Harry Potter ever again.*
  • How old are these kids? When do Ron and Hermione start, ya know...? Harry can defeat Voldemort, but can he deal with being a constant third wheel? Does Harry ever find a girl or does he have to make some MONUMENTAL choice in the next book between either saving the girl or saving the world, a la Neo in The Matrix Reloaded?
  • I sniffed out Gilderoy Lockhart being a phony from day one. SUCK IT, Rowling. You may have a bunch of 12-year-olds fooled, but you're gonna have to try a little harder if you want to slip one by this 28-year-old weirdo.
  • The Riddle is Voldemort/Voldemort is Riddle reveal was rather unoriginal. Been there, done that:

*Did some research on Myrtle and Ira. Hunches: CONFIRMED

And there's not a single guy named Ira under the age of 20. I have no clue how valid the data is on, but I've trusted far more questionable sites before. And I could waste HOURS on that site.


This track has been around for about a year now, but Schoolboy's album just came out, so I figured I'd share it now. Also, Kendrick is on it, meaning you're obligated by law to like it. (@DannyGoldin)

Probably the worst band name you've ever seen, I get it. But I kind of wish I was in this band. I also kind of wish I named my album "I'm Rich Beyond Your Wildest Dreams" like these geniuses. Fuckers have like 5 guitarists. (JQW)

I don't watch The Voice. But this showed up in my Twitter feed and since it was Miley-related I HAD to give it a watch. I was not disappointed. These are, what we in the BUSINESS call, PIPES. And when it comes to Idol/Voice, this was the best I've heard since Adam Lambert KILLCRUSHING Queen.

Apparently the girl here is already somewhat famous, having opened for Selena Gomez and amassed a strong YouTube following. That kinda bothers me. I feel like The Voice and Idol should be reserved for absolute nobodies. Only the most amateur of amateurs should get their time to shine on these shows. This girl is a HUSTLER.

PS - You all know I'm usually not a bangs guy, but her bangs/loose waves combo is kinda working. If we could just tweak the formuula a little, I'd go with Loose Waves + Pipes - Bangs = Perfection


Oh we ridin' high

And here's a spoiler alert:

We ain't stoppin' now

That works for both games

We should win both of these games

Is what I'm saying


I could watch Tinney wave at these kids for DAYS. You've been warned, someone starts chopping onions by you towards the end of the video.

PS - Tinney, ELITE old person name.

Remind me to never complain about having to bend over and pick something up. Doing it on the moon looks absolutely impossible. And for some reason, seeing an astronaut struggle makes me feel a little better about my life. I couldn't get to 50 in Flappy Bird, but hey, I can pick up a fucking hammer if I drop it.

PS - Is he a lefty? Gross.

It's hard to believe that this was real and not from a movie... but then again, RUSSIA. Speaking of which, those Olympics kinda sucked... but I already miss them. NO WORRIES: the World Cup is around the corner! More international competition is exactly what I need in my life, even if I'm pre-mad about losing to Ghana AGAIN.

Do I have to start making a weekly Scandinavian video feature? Can Scandinavia stop being so damn AWESOME? Swedish women just tossin' their hair around in your face while you're waiting for the train. Genius.


Beef brisket torta! That's like a Jewish/BBQ/Mexican FUSION. For those of you who don't habla espaƱol, torta is Spanish for... sandwich. The one we're looking at here has poblano peppers, Chihuahua cheese, guacamole, and cilantro dressing. It is reallyreallyreally good. They have a chicken version as well, but I much preferred the brisket. Just a damn fine sandwich.

(I don't know the name of the place, but it's the cafeteria on the bottom floor of the Board of Trade. Wade through a sea of grit-ripping degenerate traders and this torta could be YOURS.)


I like how some of my friends are now sending out #skyporn BAT SIGNALS to let me know when there's a hot sunset going down. I got a text from one person, gchatted another, and boom, we get this great pic. I tried getting up on the roof of my building, but I guess they lock it when it's -500 degrees out. For some foolish reason, I went outside and walked a few blocks even though there was no WAY I'd ever be able to see anything from ground level. Did I mention that it was -500 degrees out? Immediately regretted that decision.



For some reason, we've kind of struggled with Penn State in the last couple years. Last March, the Badgers needed a buzzer-beating three from #goodtrae to escape with the victory. A few years before that, there was the infamous 36-33 Big Ten Tournament debacle. The games in between have been closer than expected. Well, I'm here to tell you that it's time for that to CHANGE. Bo's got the boys rolling, and I don't think Penn State has what it takes to slow them down. THE PICK


Remember that awful stretch during January where we lost 5-out-of-6? Of course you do! And of course you remember that the 1-out-of-6 was a 14 point road W against Purdue. Now they come to the Kohl Center on Senior Day while we're nutbusting left and right and I don't need to oh my god a similarly terrible Purdue team came to the Kohl Center on Senior Day LAST year and smoked us. Oh no. THE PICK:




  1. As a fellow Badger fan, and a recent fan of your blog... I have a question:

    Do you actually like Chicago?

    Allow me to explain. I grew up in Madison (,Wisconsin) and spent the formative years of my life in the 90's going to County Stadium for Brewers-Cubs games and hearing enormous roars when the 'Crew LOST. Damn. (Let it be known: the Brewers were terrible. To put it in perspective: Jeff Cirillo was once the only Brewer Allstar. Wow.) ANYWAY; I now, as an adult, still run into Chicago people wearing their Cubs hats to every social occasion (I saw one at a friend's wedding last year. I thought that Wisconsin is supposed to have the rednecks) and tolerate their "Miller Park? You mean Wrigley Field North," comments, and I retort: The Brewers have been to more World Series during five Presidents than the Cubs have through five major world conflicts (WWI, WW2, Vietnam, Cold War, Iraq2).

    Other reasons I hate Chicago:

    People are unusually fat and rude. Contrast this with Wisconsites who are fat and polite. Ever hear of anyone complaining about how rude Packer fans are? No? What about Bears fans? I rest my case.

    Everyone I know who is from Chicago is a total dick. Therefore: it's impossible to make friends from Chicago.

    Chicago is cold and miserable 11 out of 12 months of the year. Wait, is there a nice month in Chicago? September maybe?

    More about Illinois in general, but: TOLLBOOTHS! And their highways aren't that spectacular. I honestly expect - for, what, $1.75 every 10 miles? - perfectly square highways and diamond-crested shoulders.

    I was once in Chicago attending a Sonic Youth concert. I was in the front row at Union Park. SY was playing Daydream Nation front to back and people were FREAKING OUT. The fence got knocked down 3 times, people were getting crushed, everyone was soaked in a sticky ensemble of beer, sweat and marijuana crumbs. It was awesome. And then some fucking douchebag in the front row had the audacity to turn around and (rudely - because Chicagoans know no other way) punch square in the nose a girl half his size because she wouldn't stop "bumping into him".

    -WTF #1: you don't hit girls. You hit their boyfriends. Everyone knows this.
    -WTF #2: Why are you complaining about a hot, sweaty little blonde girl with a huge rack grinding on you at a concert? Just sayin', bro.

    Reasons I love Chicago:

    Outside of New York or Portland/Seattle, Chicago has the best music scene in the union. Can't deny that.

    It's a beautiful looking city. And not just because it's on a major geographic landmark and has some wonderful lakefront parks, but also because it's a classically good looking city in general. Riding the L through downtown Chicago is truly an awesome experience, one that I'm glad I only experience once in a while.
    As an aside, I currently live in Denver, Colorado - a beautiful city because it has the Rocky Mountain Range. If Denver didn't have mountains as a backdrop, it would be Albuquerque, New Mexico.

    Chicago has great food. And there is no where else in the world where you can get deep dish pizza. If you aren't in Chicago, don't even think about it.

    Enjoy your blog lots! Keep it coming. GO BADGERS!


    1. Well. You've got a lot going on here. I may have to address this next week. Thanks for stopping by.

  2. All I can say is Tinney...absolutely blubbering....Someone was DEFINITELY CHOPPING ONIONS. Great job as always B.

  3. Also- your Penn State prediction was spot on