Wednesday, March 19, 2014

NCAA Tournament 1st & 2nd Rounds


If you're reading this, that means the MURDER ICE has not killed you. It means that you've survived everything this abomination of a winter has thrown at you. You've survived subzero wind chills and home losses to Northwestern and St. Patrick's Day debauchery. Your reward? The single greatest sporting event in the history of the world.

No more room for error. No more coming out flat and worrying about the next one. It's time to nut up or shut up. And I gotta be honest - I'm predicting a whole lot of NUTTIN' UP. You can forget that MSU game; no team in the country was beating them the way they were playing. Instead, focus on the Minnesota game where the Badgers were executing on offense and playing solid D. That's the team I'm expecting to show up during the tournament starting on Thursday against American.

  • Their entire enrollment is roughly the size of the UW football student section. BUT WOULD THE ENTIRE AMERICAN UNIVERSITY STUDENT BODY SHOW UP ON TIME FOR AN 11 AM KICKOFF AGAINST PUDUE?
  • American has been named 'most politically active school' by The Princeton Review a bunch of times. Top party school vs. top politically active school. I think I am okay with the choice I made.
  • The American Eagles mascot is named Clawed the Eagle, which is absolutely fucking brilliant:

At first, I was stumped: Why is Clawed wearing sneakers? And why did I just say 'sneakers' like I'm 1992 Jerry Seinfeld? But then I remembered that eagle talons are absolutely TERRIFYING:

GAHHH those are so frightening. Thank GOD Clawed covers up his talons of doom with some kicks. Are eagle feet SCALED? I think I'm just very relieved that no human has ever been attacked by an eagle since they're our unofficial national mascot. The only enjoyable part of googling 'clawed the eagle' was finding eagle-clawed-marxist.jpg:


Well. Can't say I'm comfortable with MARXIST eagle talons either. SOLVED:


(I had to google 'Marxism' to really figure out where I was going with that caption.)

  • Jordan Belfort, the REAL Wolf of Wall Street. Belfort majored in biology at American, went to dentistry school, quit, and then started doing cocaine, pulling Wall Street strange, and swindling billions of dollars.* In conclusion, American University caused the banking crisis and destroyed the United States economy. Wisconsin 1, American 0.
  • Mark Murphy, President and CEO of the Green Bay Packers. The Packers NEVER draft Badgers, but I think they kinda have to take Borland this year. Middle linebacker is a need, and Borland is arguably the best middle linebacker to ever be on the cusp of playing in the NFL. I'm also convinced that Borland and Rodgers will immediately become best friends who compete in every game imaginable. Locker room ping pong. Throwing footballs at the crossbar from the 50 while blindfolded. Possibilities are endless. I don't want this to happen. I need this to happen.
  • Danny Glover, actor. You know what? I don't think he ever went to American. I think this is a lie. But at the same time, Angels in the Outfield is as American as America gets. Verdict? COUNT IT
  • William Moulton Marston, inventor and comic book artist. Marston created Wonder Woman AND invented the polygraph? How are those things even in the same ballpark? Fuck this guy. You should only be allowed to do ONE impressive thing with your life. Save SOMETHING for the rest of us. If any of you have ever taken a polygraph, PLEASE let me know. And if you failed and got arrested or something else terrible, you can blame American University.
  • Jesse Itzler, AKA Jesse Jaymes, American musician, rapper, producer, and entrepreneur. Wait. THIS Jesse Jaymes went to a world-renowned political institution?

A Jewish rapper at one point gave Clawed the Eagle a high five at an American University basketball game? When is my head supposed to not explode here? FINE. Let's dig deeper into the life of Jesse Jaymes:
Itzler is the co-founder of Sheets energy strips, a dissolvable energy-supplement brand that has made a splash in recent months with its "I Take a Sheet" advertising campaign. He counts LeBron James among his co-founders and vocal artists Drake and Pitbull among his partners.
Well we kinda HAVE to watch one of those commercials, don't we?

I wanna take a sheet on Tom Crean's couch!

*I have not seen The Wolf of Wall Street, but I will safely assume this is exactly what happened in the movie.



IF the Badgers win, they'll play Saturday at a time TBD (but probably early afternoon) on a channel TBD against the winner of Oregon/BYU, which will almost assuredly be Oregon.



(2) Michigan
Wofford, ASU/Texas

Undefeated Chances: 73%
Michigan invades Milwaukee: UGH. The only people happy about Michigan drawing Milwaukee are local bartenders and hookers. Do Michigan fans drink enough to justify buying hookers all the time? I DON'T KNOW. But it seems plausible. Expect plenty of yellow and blue throughout the city as these fonzanoons enjoy watching their squad woof the Terriers and get past the winner of the 'Remember when we had James Harden/Kevin Durant?' 7/10 battle. I'm Ron Burgandy. Go fuck yourself, Michigan.

(2) Wisconsin
Opponents: American, Oregon/BYU
Undefeated Chances: 74%
Nothing patriotic about this: It's still bothering me that we have to defeat AMERICA to advance. Red, white and blue, Clawed the Eagle... these are things we should be SUPPORTING, not holding to 51 points while yelling, 'SUCK IT, AMERICAN'. Why couldn't RUSSIAN UNIVERSITY pull a 15 seed this year? QUICK! Someone photoshop Bo Ryan's face on George Washington's so I can feel like a real American again:


(4) Michigan State
Opponents: Delaware, Cincinnati/Harvard
Undefeated Chances: 85%
Or, imagine being magically whisked away to... Delaware. Hi... MSU is curbstomping Delaware: Favorite Wayne's World quotes, IN ORDER:

1) The Gun Rack:

2) Nice legs, but no self esteem:

3) Baberaham Lincoln:

4) Delaware:

PS - The only reason I'm not taking MSU to the Final Four anymore is because every motherfucker in the WORLD is taking them to win it all. No thanks. I require separation. My bracket is a unique snowflake of misery.

(6) Ohio State
Opponents: Dayton, Syracuse/Western Michigan
Undefeated Chances: 25%
Proof that BuzzFeed is absolute garbage: Their list of the 15 hottest NCAA tournament players included Aaron White (daywalker) and culminated with Aaron Craft at #1. It was also 14 white kids and one token black kid. They ALSO said Aaron White was the only player in the country to shoot 50% from the field and 80% from the free throw line, when they had Dougie McBuckets listed ONE SPOT BEHIND White. Let's summarize:
  • BuzzFeed is 'written' for the lowest common denominator, AKA morons.
  • 87 Reasons You Know Your Left Shoe Is Really Your Favorite Shoe
  • 64 Ways To Spell 'Banana' Without The Letter 'B'
  • Quiz: What Kind Of Homeless Person Are You?
  • 58 Terrible Facts About Rainbows That Will Make You Want To Ride A Horse
ONE of those is an actual BuzzFeed 'article'.

THEREFORE, if you like BuzzFeed, then you think Aaron Craft is hot, you're possibly a racist, and you think you can legitimately spell 'Banana' with a 1 and a 3: 13anana.

(11) #Nebrasketball
Opponents: Baylor, Creighton/LA Lafayette
Undefeated Chances: 7%
We don't want Nebraska/Creighton to happen; we NEED Nebraska/Creighton to happen: A second round matchup betwixt the two teams from the most boring state in the country would be KIND OF INTERESTING news. I mean, it wouldn't be that big of a deal because at the end of the day we're still talking about a rather meaningless state with no professional teams. #Nebrasketball and Creighton could play an epic game and 3 days later someone roadtripping west would still dread every monotonous second of driving through Nebraska. But for those two potential hours, CBS will have a kinda cool storyline to shove in our grills.

(11) Iowa
Opponents: Tennessee, UMass, Duke/Mercer
Undefeated Chances: 4%
This should be UW-Green Bay's spot: Iowa doesn't even deserve to be in the tournament, and I'm glad the committee at least somewhat acknowledged that by shipping the Ginger Army off to Dayton for a play-in date with Tennessee. I'm fully expecting the winner of that game to beat UMass, and then get trounced by Duke. I'd LOVE to see Iowa play Duke and bet every dollar I have on the over. Their defense is something truly awful right now.


(1) Minnesota
Opponent: St. Mary's
Undefeated Chances: 70%
WOULD YOU RATHER: Pay for NCAA tournament tickets, or get NIT tickets for free?


(2) Illinois
Opponents: Boston U, Clemson
Undefeated Chances: 46%
This has absolutely nothing to do with Illinois: ...but I love this mascot catching a foul ball in his mouth!

In my mind it makes the same noise as when Happy Gilmore hits the sub into the guy's mouth. Talk about a hole in one!


Penn State
Opponents: Hampton
Undefeated Chances: 20%
I have no idea how the CBI works: Seriously. I can't find seeds or a bracket, and it looks like the championship is a best-of-three situation. The CBI flies by the wind of its own sails I guess. Sure, I could google a little harder to find out more info. Instead, let's enjoy this picture of a guy dancing in a hot suit in Chicago last week:

Holy shit I think I just learned how to dance. Busting out this 'finger down hand up' move at Burton's ASAP.


Opponents: Decades of ineptitude
Undefeated Chances: .3 %
I won the raffle at Will's: ...but it wasn't the scarf I lust for:

SO CLOSE! Can I start a new trend of wearing headbands around your neck? Like the skinny jeans of the scarf world? Do people who wear visors instead of baseball hats wear headbands instead of winter hats? This all makes way too much sense.

Opponents: Inability to time travel effectively and bring back Moore/Hummel/Johnson
Undefeated Chances: .001%
Name something that follows the word 'pork':

It's sad that no one really seems to notice that she spelled 'loin' l-i-o-n. But I suppose that gets overshadowed by possibly the best Family Feud answer I've ever heard.

Undefeated Chances: 0%
"Coach Crean, care to comment on Indiana's postseason prospects?": 


I think it's really dumb for any artist to have a symbol in their name, because it makes it harder to search for them in the internet machine. But this song is dope, so I'll give Curren$y a pass. (@DannyGoldin)

If you remember the 90's you probably have heard a Cardigans song or two. What you didn't know was that this was actually a decent band.  Swedish no less! On a related note Obama Care wants you to pay for Swedish penis pumps for old people. Just an FYI. (JQW)

New Foster The People album dropped yesterday. It's not that I feel bad for them - but it's gotta be incredibly difficult to follow up the success they had with Torches. There must be so much damn pressure to write another good album. And I have no clue how they decide which direction to go in. If they release something similar to their first album, they're just doing more of the same (Mumford-style). If they try something different, they're getting away from what made them successful in the first place (how I feel listening to anything Weezer has written in the last 10+ years). Regardless, I'm looking forward to listening to the whole album and labeling it mediocre-at-best.


This time of the year

There's just one golden rule

Win or you go home


This Superman GoPro video is INCREDIBLY well-made. Other than the arms. Why did they give Superman those frail little arms? After 'this is really cool', my main takeaway was, 'I could TOTALLY beat Superman in an arm wrastling competition'.

I'm not sure why I came across this random Office clip, but it always makes me laugh. And it will make you laugh as well.

Is this real? Do these kinds of things happen on the reg in Costa Rica? For some reason it reminded me of this:

Except, oddly enough, the guy who got assaulted by a mattress flying off a truck came out in better shape.

You've all seen this, right? News anchor in LA has a goofy little reaction to an earthquake? Good. Glad you're caught up. Because this is the same news crew:

Oh man, that is good. I love the staggered reactions as they each take their time to figure it out. And there's some REALLY good gaspy laughing going on here, which is always a sign of high comedy. But I would be REMISS to have a video of news anchors gaspy laughing without giving you the gold standard:

Top 5 YouTube video of all-time. There are SO many things to cherish. Including, but not limited to:
Female Anchor: "Oh you all are just really tickled by that, aren't you? YOU try walking in those shoes!"
Male Anchor #2: "Hey! First of all, baby, I got enough MEAT on me that it's alright!"
I never even want to understand what that means. I will happily live the rest of my life putting this video on when I absolutely need a laugh.

PS - Man. They start to calm down and apologize and then he goes 'OH HOLD ON HOLD ON' right as she's about to fall again on the replay and then they lose it one more time with the 'me me me me me!' out of breath laughs and he's essentially this Chris Farley character: 

Best. Video. Ever.


Actual hot dogs offered at the Big Ten Tournament last week in Indy. Oddly enough, I'd go with the Iowa Dawg if I had a gun to my head. I'm offended that they use that cheddar cheese sauce on the Wisco Dawg. Cheese sauce is repulsive. Cheese is a solid, and the closest it should get to sauce is when it's just melted down. Gross.

PS - Last place is a tie between OSU and Minnesota. I don't trust stadium chili.

PPS - "$12 for a hot dog and a Souvenir Cup that you have to carry around with you for the rest of the day." Such a steal.


Great long exposure shot of Campus Drive in Madison at sunset. I'd say long exposure pics are the first, second, and third reasons I want a real camera to play with. I'm sure there's an iPhone app out there that does a terrible job simulating the effect, but there's simply no way you can make a pic like this without a real camera and a decent idea of how to use it.



It just wants to say hello!

Someone help the little guy out...

I'm on a real elephant GIF BURNER right now. And you know what they say about walking away from a burner.

PS - Never. They say you should never walk away from a burner.


THE SCENE: Just after midnight St. Patrick's Saturday, leaving Irish Eyez and craving McDonald's in the worst kind of way. I summoned an UberX and took this ride:

That would take maybe 2-3 minutes to walk. I think Kashif even ran a swindle on me doing the roundabout approach. I've always heard about cabbies in Vegas taking tourists on 'scenic' routes from the airport - I just never thought I'd fall victim to the same scam in my own city.

PS - Totes my own fault.

PPS - Kick in the dick that it was x2.25 surge pricing.

PPPS - This was undoubtedly the worst part of the morning-after-blacking-out phone review.


This is what it's all about. Playing in Milwaukee, my expectations are high. Anything less than a Sweet Sixteen appearance would be pretty damn disappointing given what this team has accomplished so far and the draw they have. I have no reason to question them, and you shouldn't either. I could write a thousand words here, but F that. Doesn't matter. Let's get it done on the court and keep rolling. THE PICKS:





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