Wednesday, March 26, 2014

NCAA Tournament Sweet 16 & Elite 8

So that was pretty fun, right? Forget the American game (if you were actually worried at any point, reevaluate the way your life works), because that game against Oregon on Saturday was one of the most enjoyable victories I can remember. And I truly only remember the second half... and that's only because I've re-watched it 3 times and listened to the Badger radio call of it twice. Is that weird? Probably. But when you end up watching the game at a bar with dollar drinks, all bets are off. I can guarantee I was fucking loving life and riding high, which is how everyone should've felt as UW stormed back to best an annoyingly talented Oregon squad.

I said last week, anything less than a Sweet 16 appearance would be a disappointment. Well, here we are. Wisconsin is in Anaheim ready to battle with the Baylor Bears, who looked like the fucking 1992 Chicago Bulls last weekend when they beat Creighton by a thousand. Am I scared? Do I think we can win? Is Baylor really that good? LET'S INVESTIGATE

  • Location: Waco, Texas
  • Words: For Church, For Texas. VOM.COM/BAYLOR
  • Baylor?
  • Dwight's little fist pump there? Gets me every time.
  • Baylor has the best frat ever. From Wikipedia:
The Noble NoZe Brotherhood, an unofficial fraternal organization, was founded in 1924 to study the art of bridge construction in association with the BBA (Baylor Bridge Association).
Apparently bridges are REAL hot in Waco.
The NoZe Brotherhood provides the university with unusual public pranks and satirical writings in its newspaper, The Rope. Members hide their identities to keep their actions anonymous with traditional Groucho Marx glasses, theatrical wigs and beards, and outlandish garb to protect against backlash from Baylor administration when satirically jesting at University policies.
This is perfectly normal.
Baylor lore has it that to enter the group, one must have a GPA of 4.0 or 0.4, endure rigorous trial and tribulation, and take part in hidden meetings.
I think this is like in Dead Man on Campus when they thought if their roommate committed suicide they'd get straight A's. In other words, GENIUS.
All other information regarding the group tends to be heavily vested, however rumor states that many alumni of the group continue to be district attorneys, federal judges, congressmen and other political activists.
Well doesn't that just make buckets of sense.
  • Baylor has THREE mascots: Judge Joy (real, live bear), Judge Lady (real, live bear), and Bruiser (fake, costumed bear). I know you're wondering if the three of them are ever in the same cage at the same time and I WISH I knew the answer to that. Would Joy and Lady eat Bruiser's face off? Would it be like a dog humping a stuffed animal because it doesn't know any better? Do Joy and Lady ever get to go to the games?
Real animals? Adorable. Mascot animals? ODDLY CREEPY

  • Bill Townsend, founder of Lycos. I am ETERNALLY fascinated with old school non-Google search engines. Like, I know Billy doesn't lose any sleep over losing the Search Wars given that he's had a hand in LinkedIn and GeoCities. This asshole is probably so stupidly rich that he could have a couple pet bears of his own if he wanted. But I think it's so cool that there were all these people right on the cusp of the internet blowing up with similar ideas, and only the Google Russians straight killed it. Jonny AltaVista and Mike Excite probably crush High Life's together wondering what could have been.
  • Tan Joe Hok, Indonesian badminton HERO. That is legitimately his title on Wikipedia. A badminton HERO. How does a kid from West Java end up at Baylor and then become the best Indonesian badminton player of all-time? I don't know, but I probably wouldn't read the book or see the movie. Related:
  • Willie Nelson, country music singer. Do I know any songs by Willie Nelson? Do you have to be a total hippie stoner to appreciate him? Apparently he's won SIX Grammys, which seems outrageous because country music shouldn't even be eligible for that many awards. Although... he was born during the Great Depression, which is hard to even understand.
  • John R. Kane, American badass. Let's see: he played basketball and football while at Baylor. When he was traveling with the basketball team, their bus was hit by a train. 10 of the 22 on board died - Kane had just a few scratches on him. When WWII came around, Kane enlisted and was sent to the Mediterranean Theatre of War, which has to be one of the best Theatres of War available. I LOVE the phrase 'Theatre of War'. While there, he flew 43 combat missions with a B-24 crew that were so daring, the Germans dubbed him Killer Kane. KILLER KANE! That is fucking incredible. When they make the movie for Unbroken, I need them to find a way to get Killer Kane in there. His story isn't nearly as remarkable as Zamperini's, but that's only because Zamperini lived the most insane life in the history of the world.
  • Howard E. Butt Jr., president of the H.E. Butt Foundation. Pretty torn on whether or not it would be cool to have 'Butt' as your last name. You gotta figure, every kid's getting made fun of for something, right? Wouldn't you rather get made fun of because your name is 'Butt' than having kids pick on you for being an albino or something REALLY weird? And given that he's a Butt JUNIOR, you gotta figure the Butts are sitting on a big old pile of BUTT MONEY. Any money is good money, but butt money is GREAT money. Second only to #HouseMoney. OFFICIAL MONEY POWER RANKINGS:
1) #HouseMoney
2) Butt Money
3) Free Money
4) Cash Money
5) Wet Money

CHICAGO BADGERS: I hope you're ready for a terrible Friday, because we're getting after it at Will's tomorrow. Standard gameday rules in effect, late enough tip to get there on time from work, and yet an early enough tip to get all weird and still make it home at a reasonable hour. PERFECT TIP.

My only advice for Friday would be to make eye contact with absolutely no one and try not to breathe, and take a very hot shower, drink some water, and listen to Sugar Ray on the way to work. I promise you'll be fine if you do EXACTLY that. #NeverFails





(2) Michigan
(11) Tennessee, (8) Kentucky/(4) Louisville

Undefeated Chances: 15%
Have fun getting a ticket: Midwest Regional with Kentucky and Louisville fans? Yikes. If you really want to get in the building, I'm sure you can at a decent price. But these games are being played in a football stadium. Any seat with a decent view is going to be painfully expensive. Kentucky and Louisville fans are gonna travel like crazy (they always do).

It wouldn't surprise me if Michigan snuck out of this region, but they have a lot of work to do. Tennessee is balling out these days, and if they do beat 'em they either play the most under seeded team in the bracket (Louisville) or a team filled with elite athletes that just might be putting it all together at the right time. Doesn't sound like a recipe for success.

(2) Wisconsin
Opponents: (6) Baylor, (4) San Diego State/(1) Arizona
Undefeated Chances: 25%
It's time to shock the world: As a fan, it's perfectly acceptable to look ahead. And that's why after we beat Baylor, we are all the biggest San Diego State fans in the WORLD. Monty Montezuma the Aztec Warrior is our new favorite, maybe-sorta-kinda racist mascot. We BLEED Aztec red. Kabeer Baja-Chalupa went to San Diego State! This is a sign! We beat Baylor, Aztecs thwart Wildcats, Bucky bests Monty Montezuma, woman inherits the earth. Done done DONE. FEEL THIS

PS - Worst part about college basketball right now? Not the one-and-dones. Not Tom Crean (BUT CLOSE). OFFICIAL REVIEWS:

"Hey Jim, you're on TV, wiggle your butt."

How many fucking times do we have to sit here and look at the refs looking at their own butts? It happens at least once during the last 2 minutes of every close game. Even if it's not a close call, as long as one coach bitches hard enough, the refs will put their hands up and give the old, 'Hang on! LET'S GO TO THE MONITOR FOR THIS ONE' move. I DO NOT LIKE THAT MOVE. On the play the refs reviewed towards the end of the UW/Oregon game, the ball was touched by 9 Oregon players before going out of bounds. It was not even REMOTELY close. But hey, let's all just take a break and look anyway.

My rant is over but my hatred for official reviews lives on FOREVER.

(4) Michigan State
Opponents: (1) Virginia, (7) UConn/(3) Iowa State
Undefeated Chances: 30%
This is probably the most intriguing game in the Sweet 16: I'm guessing Louisville/Kentucky will get more play in the media, but UVA/MSU is one hell of a matchup. I'm gonna do zero research and guess that it was the most commonly predicted matchup of the entire round, and I don't know what that says about it but it can't be a bad thing. Izzo's given Bo a hard time in the last few years, and Tony plays a similar style as the typical Bo Ryan team (gutty defense, just enough offense). Should be a fun one.


(6) Ohio State
Death via: (11) Dayton
This is what happens when you refuse to play the other schools in your state:

You get third-degree roasted in the Dayton Daily News. Literally HUNDREDS of people are laughing at OSU's expense, and I'm one of them. 

(11) #Nebrasketball
Death via: (6) Baylor
Last week in unsurprising news: #Nebrasketball didn't do much away from their gym. I may not know much, but I did know they were not the threat some people made them out to be. Good to see them turning into a respectable program in the B1G, but let's not get carried away.

And if you want a reason I've been so high on this Badger team, it's their ability to win on the road and on neutral courts. Without having any empirical evidence, I'm guessing road/neutral winning percentage is a decent indicator of success in the NCAA tournament.

(11) Iowa
Death via: (11) Tennessee
11-on-11 violence is WRONG: Seriously, NEXT year I think Iowa's gonna be good and actually do some damage. Because they don't say that every year. It's a tough call between them and IU for the current Next Year Champions title. NOTE: this is not a good title. It's worse than the Intercontinental Title.


(1) Minnesota
Opponent: (3) Louisiana Tech/(1)Florida State
Undefeated Chances: 55%
CAN YOU FEEL THE MOMENTUM IN DINKYTOWN: Dinkytown is a place in Minnesota, isn't it? If so, I bet it's straight POPPIN' at this Gophers NIT run.


(2) Illinois
Death via: (3) Clemson

I would pay $100 for a full pay-per-view of this fight. Why is the tiger cat fighting the alligator? Was it a TRIPLE THREAT match and they teamed up to defeat the hippo first? Is the hippo even involved or is he just playing in the water? Who would you put your money on in the gator/tiger cat brawl? Can I stop laughing at the background of this picture being a hippo upside down with its weirdly-cute stumpy legs stretched out?

So many questions, SO FEW ANSWERS. But I'll try!

1) Hippo was tiger cat's friend, alligator hurt hippo, tiger cat defends friend.
2) I think they'd be eating the hippo if they were teaming up against it.
3) In a perfect world, he's just blissfully rolling around in the water because hippos don't give a fuck.
4) In water, gator. On land, tiger cat.
5) Absolutely not. His legs are adorable and I want to sit on his belly and steer him via legs. FULL LEGS AHEAD, MR. HIPPO!



Penn State
Death via: Siena
Siena is the trickster of the 'schools named after colors' trivia question: EVERYONE gets Brown and Navy right away. A good amount gets Auburn. But only the real nerds out there get Siena. That's because it's a bullshit school and an even BIGGER bullshit color. I'm now realizing they're spelled differently, but that changes nothing.


Opponents: Steel workers and pipe fitters, AKA REAL union laborers
I think it's time to update my Scary List Fear Rankings: 

What in the actual fuck is third-hand smoke? Are they saying if someone is ripping a grit, and someone nearby inhales that smoke, that when that person exhales, there's enough smoke leaving them to get a THIRD person lung cancer? Wouldn't that third person be getting the effects of second-hand smoke to begin with? SMOKECEPTION

Can you imagine how cool it would be if there was second-hand booze? Like if someone was just obliterated near you, you got a little of their buzz? I'm sure the ramifications are deadly, but I like to think in the right situation everyone would just maintain a PERFECT drunk for days. SUSTAINABLE DRUNK! Like the energy!

I live my life one #BillionDollarIdea at a time.

Opponents: Boilering down, so spooky

I think the best part of this guy's ensemble is that there are SO many things going on here. I JUST realized how low his chain's hanging. And that's in addition to the boots, and the coat, and the hat, and the magnificent glasses.

PS - One of the best 'Would you rather?' questions I've ever heard was would you rather have dicks down your back like a Stegosaurus or a vagina on your forehead. This guy would choose the Dickosaurus Rex 11 times out of 10.

PPS - I want you to ask that question to yourself right now, seriously think about it, maybe discuss it with your roommate, and hit me back with your choice and reasoning. It is not an easy question.

PPPS - 'Would you rather?' gets real twisted REAL fast.

Opponents: Continued success. Or any success.
A surefire sign that there is something wrong with your culture: 

That's the IU hoops team's official roster picture from this year. The faces blacked out are guys that will not be back next season. They did NOT have 11 seniors. You can figure out the rest. Good job, Crean.


Opponents: The truth. And heathens.
Shaka Smart is the new coach at Marquette: Except until he's not. But that didn't stop every news station in Milwaukee and half of Twitter from announcing that Shaka to MU was a 'done deal'. FINE REPORTING. And let us give thanks on this day that we will never try to become the Wisconsin Red:

I DARE you to look at this and not laugh every time.


Young Buck has done very little since delivering Buck the World - legitimately 1 of the best rap albums ever - in 2008, but it's nice to see his glimpses of greatness every now and then. I wish him nothing but the best as he fights back from bankruptcy. Could we ever see a possible G-Unit reunion? Get'm Buck! (@DannyGoldin)

Hot damn! Makes me want to boogie. (JQW)

This is a song about summer. Winter may be coming (LESS THAN 2 WEEKS OMG), but summer ain't too far away, either. I know this winter is living on forever and eating spring up like it's starving to death, but the good weather can't be too far away. I promise you.


Off to Anaheim

But this is a business trip

Let's win both of them


Obligatory video of the CTA Blue Line crash. This was and still is so crazy. If that guy dilly dallied another 20 seconds he'd be in a REAL bad place right now. And if I had to make a list of the worst places to fall asleep, I think driving a train into an airport would be in the top 10. Something to ponder. I'm REALLY afraid of falling asleep on a large body of water. There's a reason they dropped you into a tub in Inception to kick you out of your dream. That's a SHIT way to wake up.

Let's get one thing clear: this is an OUTRAGEOUS solve. But something they don't really show you on TV (except in this case if you watched to the end of the video) is the used letter board all contestants get to look at during puzzles:

I'm not trying to take a damn thing away from him, because even if you got stuck on that 'B' and went with it... you'd still have an uphill battle from there. But it at least kind of gives you an idea of how his brain went from virtually nothing to 'new baby buggy' in a half second.

Good lord was this intense. I think something to consider is that even before the fire really got out on the balcony he was on, it was probably still burning the shit out of him. That little swing drop he did onto the balcony below him for sure saved his life and was by far the most impressive move I've seen in a long time. That would be difficult in most video games, let alone in real life with a raging fire next to your face.

From what I've read, that was the captain up on the ladder, and when you see him angrily motioning for the other guys to get back off the ladder, he was basically saying 'this might go very wrong, get the fuck out of here so you don't get hurt as well'.


Firefighters - heroes.
Professional athletes - not heroes.
Heroes the TV show - great first season, garbage the rest of the way, #Hayden4Life

[I just don't like when people call professional athletes 'heroes'.]

"Oh hey, look at me, I'm a shitty magician that can fool dogs"

"Oh hey, I'm Brandon, it took me multiple watches to figure out how he was disappearing the treats"

Also, this:

'This is some bullshit, isn't it?'

Who knew German Shepherds could be so cute? Those ears are PERFECT.

It's a basic fact of life that anything a goalie does - while dressed up in full goalie gear - is hilarious. If it were just him dancing on his own, this would be good enough. But he has to show up that broke-ass dance team. Probably the first time in sports history that the goalie's the coolest guy on the team. I bet he's SWIMMING in busted hockey dance team ass.

Saving the best for last, and this is for sure the best. I've gone to Arlington for races before, and it was never NEARLY this awesome. We all know he's most likely on ether, but let's PRETEND he's just drunk. And how great is it that there's an announcer throughout the video? Multiple times I felt like he was talking about this guy instead of the horses. So good.

What's your favorite moment?

Backwards, straddling the fence?

Upside down, beloved newspaper taunting from the foreground?

Mid-tumble, clutching scraps of newspaper dignity?

Oooo, maybe it's the slight hat adjustment, hand in the pocket, casual stroll, NOTHING TO SEE HERE move?


So hard to choose. Every single second of this video made me smile. An Irish pirate at a racetrack with no apparent control of his legs? Bloody brilliant, and I don't even know if Irish people say 'bloody'.

PS - No one will ever know true love like the love betwixt him and his newspaper. That's either incredibly sad or incredibly beautiful.

PPS - Ether, right? Had to be on ether:

"Devil ether. It makes you behave like the village drunkard in some early Irish novel. Total loss of all basic motor skills. Blurred vision, no balance, numb tongue. The mind recoils in horror, unable to communicate with the spinal column."

PPPS - It was real, REAL good, but it still doesn't top the ULTIMATE in drunk [and/or ether] stumbles:

First ballot YouTube Hall of Fame material. Slays me every single time.


It's a PERUVIAN #FOODPORN PARTY, and what a fantastic party it was. Here is what I have learned about the Peruvian people after two decades of friendship:

  • They make incredible food
  • They are never on time for ANYTHING
Everyone's heard the whole 'Latin American people never show up on time for stuff and it's perfectly okay down there' concept before. I am here to confirm that it is 100% true. But - and this is a huge but - if you show up late with Peruvian chicken and lomo saltado, no one cares. I've eaten plenty of Peruvian chicken in my days, and I've always enjoyed it. But I have no fucking clue what's in it other than chicken and yellow sauce. In my experience, it's better to just shut up and enjoy the food instead of trying to figure out what you're eating.

Lomo saltado, on the other hand, was a first for me. It's essentially Peruvian stir fry, but with FRENCH FRIES. Beef, onions, peppers, french fries... HOW WAS THIS NOT AN AMERICAN INVENTION? This meal was cooked by an authentic Peruvian woman and she even used McDonald's french fries. My mind was fully bottled. Have I underestimated the people who built Machu Picchu? PERHAPS

PS - There was a thing of white rice on the table, and I'm not sure if it was meant for the chicken, lomo saltado, or both. Can confirm that it went masterfully with both. I wanted to take a fistful of saltado, a scoop of chicken, a pint of rice, wrap it up in a burrito the size of a football and cradle it in my arms for a few minutes before eating myself into a food coma. I briefly started a Peruvian burrito food truck EMPIRE in my head before I realized my beer was empty and that there's only room for ONE food truck empire fantasy in my heart. #PepperoniTonis

PPS - I've never lovingly cradled a burrito in my arms but that's more of a 'when' not 'if' kinda situation.

PPPS - Every time I say 'lomo saltado' I feel like I'm ready to take over for Guy Fieri when he hangs up the Oakleys for good. My training is complete.

4xPS - Upset of the century, I ate exactly 2 french fries before dinner was actually served. There were 4 large McD's fries in my kitchen and I just played the 'pretend they're not real and not right there in front of you' game. ELITE self-control.


This is what happens when a professional photographer does his thing. I've linked to Nick's Instagram profile before, and you really should check it out and give him a follow. I have no clue how he gets access to some of the spots he goes, but the man knows what he's doing. I am jelly.



What'd I tell you last week? I ain't walking away from the adorable animal GIF table while I'm on an elephant burner.

PS - Today I learned that elephants just want a little butt lovin'.

PPS - That 'PS' was 99% an excuse to link that video.


2 down, 4 to go. That's the mindset I'm gonna roll with. I love this team so damn much and I don't want it ever to end. They can all shoot. They can all pass. Most of them can dribble. The defense comes and goes, but this team will make its mark by hitting shots and pounding Nigel/Frank down low (and occasionally Dekks when he's got a guard on him). I said weeks ago that Frank will hit a HUGE 3 during this tournament. I'm sticking with that. It's coming. And it's coming soon. Let's make some Wisconsin history. BELIEVE WITH ME. THE PICKS:





  1. Comment box gives me option to post from an AIM account, I assume that is AOL Instant Messenger. I was tempted to post as my first screen name LmpBiz02 (As in Limp Bizkit. Great times. Good oldies.). Anyway, I wanted to recommend you start putting the start times of games in Spanish time too. Would help me out a lot over here. Thanks.

    1. Also would've accepted BionicWang. You better stay up to watch. 2:45 am Madrid time. Find some Badgers and go nuts.

  2. I've seen that picture of the Indiana team/coaches before & every time, I assumed it was last year's team (well 2012-13 since their season has been over for a long time, technically '13-14 is last year's team :) . For whatever reason, seeing 2013 Big Ten champs, I didn't really look any closer & just assumed it was recognizing that team. For whatever reason, seeing it here, it finally clicked that it was prior to the 2013-14 season. Which makes the number of blacked out guys that much worse since it's only 1 season not 2. That dude has gotta be feeling pretty desperate.