Thursday, April 3, 2014

NCAA Tournament Final Four

I can't even tell you how happy that picture makes me. As a Badger fan, I'm ecstatic that we won both games last week and reached the Final Four. As a fan of this team, I couldn't be happier.

But as someone who thinks Bo Ryan is essentially the greatest human being on the planet, this is pure ecstasy. I couldn't even begin to count the number of times I've heard someone say he'll never get to the Final Four. I've wanted to rip my own ears off every time someone's told me his style wouldn't work in March. He needs to recruit better athletes if he wants to make a run? Yeah. Sure. Whatever you say.

At the end of the day, getting to Dallas doesn't validate Bo as an elite coach. He's shown that year after year. You don't win 4 DIII titles, finish top-4 in the B1G every season, go dancing every year, and have the highest winning percentage in B1G history without being one of the best coaches ever. If the idiots out there needed this to happen to realize that, then that's all you need to know about them. The rest of us have known for a while that we've got someone special leading the way in Madison.

Now let's go win a fucking title.

  • Location: Lexington, Kentucky.
  • QUICK: What's the capital of Kentucky?
  • If you knew it was Frankfort and not Lexington, then I'm calling bullshit: Oddly enough, I think Montpelier is the EASIEST state capital to remember. No one's confusing Montpelier with... any of those other townships in Vermont. I'm just now realizing that I could not tell you a single fact about the state of Vermont, and I don't think I've ever met someone from the state of Vermont. Part of me is starting to think it's not a real state and just one of the yellow properties in Monopoly.
  • Monopoly properties ranked:
1) Orange. Duh.
2) Red. Mental warfare. Someone hits free parking and then rolls a 3. Demoralizing.
3) Fuchsia. So sneaky good. Catch someone coming out of the clink and you make them YEARN for stale bread and a steel bed.
4) Light blue. Get hotels. Get paid.
5) Green. Mental warfare part 2: people will start praying they go to jail instead of visiting your properties. Kinda like I'd rather go to jail than spend a week in Ohio.
6) Yellow. Vermont Avenue, money.
7) Purple. Why not.
8) Railroads. I buy railroads about as often as I tip bathroom attendants.
9) Utilities. For the real back alley swindlers.
10) Royal blue. The fuck if I've EVER won a game loading up on Park Place and Boardwalk. It costs $9 million to get hotels on them, no one ever hits 'em (MOTHERFUCKING LUXURY TAX), and you go broke waiting for someone to make you rich. They're a goddamn scam. Have you ever seen Boiler Room? Park Place and Boardwalk are the stocks those scammers push on people.
  • Kentucky's Words: see blue. Those are some lame fucking words.
  • Relationship to Dracula: Kentucky was spawned from TRANSYLVANIA UNIVERSITY in 1865. No one told me were fighting one-and-dones AND vampires. This is bullshit.
  • Tally Cats: A program where they bribe students for attending and showing up on-time to campus events. The official website uses the word 'swag' 14 times. Truthfully, I just like saying Tally Cats. And now I'm singing, 'Come, Mr. Tally Cat, tally me banana' like that makes any sense. I hope this gets stuck in your head and you HATE it.

  • Chris Sullivan, founder of Outback Steakhouse. I've never been to Outback. Is that bad? Seems like a fun place, but maybe it should be a point of pride that I've never gone there. It's possible that I'm just some kind of steak ELITIST who only eats the finest meats. Also, it's kinda bullshit that Wisconsin gets so much grief for being a fat state when it took a UK grad to invent the 3,000 calorie onion.
  • Dr. James Michael Guiler, the UK Uterus Branding Bandit. From Wiki:
A doctor who has been accused in civil suits of unnecessarily branding the uteruses of several women while performing their hysterectomies. The letters - UK referring to his alma mater - were allegedly used to show orientation during the laparoscopic procedures. As of 2008, there have been no trials or settlements.
I'm only mildly concerned that my biggest takeaway from that is that the plural of 'uterus' is not 'uteri'. Oh yeah, kinda fucked up, but (oh god) I wonder if they mark ALL uteri in some way, and Dr. Guiler just added a little flair to the job? If branding uteri for orientation purposes is an accepted medical maneuver, then I can almost sorta understand this. What's the different betwixt and arrow with 'this way up' and a Motion W? Okay, moving on.

PS - I looked it up and apparently 'uteruses' and 'uteri' are both acceptable.

PPS - I'm not entirely sure what a hysterectomy is, but in The Office a nurse made a joke about Meredith's and that made me think it's removing a uterus. I am not googling this.
  • Happy Chandler, MLB Commissioner. Not just ANY old baseball commissioner, because he was the one who approved Jackie Robinson's contract with the Dodgers. I've always thought of Kentucky as this backwards, racist hellhole, but I guess we have them to thank for integrating baseball. Well done. However, I will point out that Happy did his undergrad at TRANSYLVANIA COLLEGE.
  • Ashley Judd, actress. Is more of her fame attributed to her Kentucky basketball fan status than her acting prowess? Looking at her IMDb page, and WOOF. I think the only movie of hers I've seen is Heat. Heat is an awesome movie, but I didn't even realize it was Judd (she's blonde in the movie). In a battle of celebrity fans, give me Andy North and Anders Holm over Ashley Judd ANY day.
  • M. E. Hart, MC Double Def DP. You don't remember MC Double Def DP? Does this help jog your memory?


Still can't place him? Alright, here you go:

Well isn't that just fucking incredibly terrible. I know at some point in my life, I've seen this before. But I didn't remember it being a fucking 9-minute-long video. I also didn't realize that BIG MEDIA has been fighting off internet pirates since the Floppy Era. That's crazy. It's also kinda sad that back then, they couldn't fight fire with fire, so they fought fire with HOT FIRE. MC Double Def DP must be the most accomplished rapper ever to emerge from Kentucky.


AAHHHHHHHHH. YES. DP is BACK and hotter than ever! It's fucking slaying me that they don't say the word 'floppy' anymore. I know the real reason is because floppies are extinct, but if you pretend that it's the radio edit of the song and they really are dropping a filthy word there, it's MUCH more entertaining.

PPS - Everyone lost their shit over Nicki Minaj's verse in 'Monster', but I honestly think BSheba's verse in 'Don't Copy That 2' is better.



  • Randall Cobb, NFL wide receiver. When does this get old?


CHICAGO BADGERS: Can we top last week at Will's? I think so. Show up a little earlier (you do not want to wait in line), settle in, have a few beers, play some games (someone please bring Battleship), and do everything you can to pass the time until tip-off. It's going to CRAWL, but you might as well start getting drunk and having a good time while the clock slowly ticks towards DESTINY.



PS - Higher on the page than Beyonce, no big deal.

PPS - #thermalseason going strong; staying strong.





(2) Wisconsin
Opponents: (8) Kentucky, (7) UConn/(1) Florida
Undefeated Chances: 35%
40 more minutes: That's all you can ask for. Win the game in front of you; earn another 40 minutes. But that almost didn't happen last Saturday. Nope. Our dear old friend Mr. Stupidfuckingreview came to Anaheim and wanted to play:

"Damn, look at my butt! I must work out."

They spent 5 actual minutes looking at that out of bounds deflection. After 3 minutes, they stopped, huddled, and went back in for SECONDS. At this point, I was thinking the same thing Bo was thinking: I'm hungry, and the longer this goes on, the more likely they are to reverse it. And that's such bullshit. I probably shouldn't sit here and complain since we won the game, but can you imagine what the world would've been like if they hit a shot after that horrendous review? The big thing is it needs to be indisputable for them to overturn the call on the floor. You're telling me that after 5 fucking minutes of looking at the same 3 angles, they finally decided without a SHRED of doubt that it went off Trae? That's absolute garbage.

But it worked out okay:

PS -

Bill's Key Shop straight KILLING it! I am completely irrationally excited about this. How does Bill's Key Shop even exist? Why don't they have a Twitter account so I can tell them how much I love them? I never stepped foot in Bill's Key Shop once in 5 years as a student, but I always looked at Bill like he was the fun uncle that buys you beer and still uses the word 'pussy' in casual conversation. Uncle Bill The Keymaker! I had such a surge of energy course through my body when I saw Bill's Key Shop getting into the Final Four spirit. Clear eyes, full heats, Bill's Key Shop, can't lose.


(2) Michigan
Death via: (8) Kentucky
I was not sad to see you go: For some reason, I wanted to play Kentucky. B1G conference pride takes an enormous backseat to Wisconsin doing well, so as long as we're alive, dirtbags like Michigan can go home and stay home.

(4) Michigan State
Death via: (7) UConn
I was also not sad to see you go: Adios.

(6) Ohio State
Death via: (11) Dayton
I've never met this woman but I'm so damn happy for her: 

(11) #Nebrasketball
Death via: (6) Baylor
I want this dinosaur costume so badly that I can't even explain it with words: 

A giant raptor costume with GOOGLY EYES? Put this on Etsy and watch the billions roll in. I'd take 3 of them myself. Only problem with this is you can't wear for Halloween. It may be shaped like a dino, but it's still made out of box-like materials (fancy for 'cardboard'). Rule #2 of Halloween is at some point in the night, a drunk person will fuck with the person wearing a box. It's gonna get destroyed. Sorry, googly eyes.

(11) Iowa
Death via: (11) Tennessee
I wonder what the worst thing about transferring to Iowa is: LIES, I know what the worst thing about transferring to Iowa is: seeing your former team go to the Final Four while you sit at home munching on a bale of hay.


(1) Minnesota
Opponent: (1) SMU
Undefeated Chances: 60%
CAN THE B1G SWEEP ALL THE TOURNAMENTS: This is for sure the best thing that could've happened. Minnesota fans have no choice but to get excited about their NIT run. What else gets their blood flowing? Once Wisconsin loses, no one cares about college hockey. Their football team is a nightmare. Vikings/Twins/T-Wolves? Nah. If you're a die-hard Minnesota sports fan, this is your Super Bowl. The NIT Championship against SMU. FEEL THE HYPE


(2) Illinois
Death via: (3) Clemson

I also read that the hippo died the night before due to natural causes. Now I'm fucking depressed. I guess if you're gonna die, that's a sweet way to go out, though. Legs up to the sky, vicious animals fighting all over you. Bad to the bone.

PS - I'm now realizing that the plot to Weekend at Bernie's is totally plausible. I thought this hippo was alive and just playing in the water. Was everyone really sad when they realized Bernie was dead in the movie? This blows. #RIPHippo



Penn State
Death via: Siena
This is what happens when you drop your phone in the sewer and try to get it yourself: 


2014-2015 Outlook: How you say, not good?
I have a new favorite game: Check out 2048. Stupidly addictive, well-designed, and guaranteed to keep you occupied for the next week or so. That's about the standard shelf life for any iPhone/flash-type game. After that it's on to the next one.

PS - High score is 7288. GET ON MY LEVEL

2014-2015 Outlook: They might actually be the worst team in the B1G next year. Ouch.
Few things are worse than checking Instagram on a Thursday: No one cares about you as a baby with spaghetti all over your face. They care about hot sunsets and #donutporn. Figure it out already.

2014-2015 Outlook: Rebuilding, but this is the last time, Crean promises, fo realsies.



I felt like I had to go with a track that was at least somewhat loosely tied to a basketball theme. We can overlook the fact that it's actually about buying drugs, just a minor detail :) (@DannyGoldin)

Everyone misses OutKast. I'm pretty sure that's a scientific fact. Supplement your longing by listening to Bog Boi and his lovely album that came out in 2010 which more people should have bought/illegally downloaded. (JQW)

Don't stop me now
I'm having such a good time
I'm having a ball
Don't stop me now
If you wanna have a good time
Just give me a call

Aren't we all, Freddie. Aren't we all.


Holy shit, we're there

We made it to North Texas

Four down, two to go


This Game of Thrones emoji recap isn't perfect, but it's oh wait actually yes it's completely perfect. We've made it, friends. Winter is coming.

What happens when the cast of The Lion King Australia gets on an airplane? They bust into 'Circle of Life' and I get goosebumps. That's what happens.

PS - The thing that really worries me in this world is that there were for SURE some people on that plane that were pissed off and thinking, 'OK, cool, shut the fuck up now so I can get back to Breaking Bad'. Those people suck and if it were up to them, none of us would ever have any fun.

PPS - And from an impromptu 'Circle of Life' we get an impromptu 'A Whole New World' at a piano bar in New York with the original voice of Jasmine from Aladdin:

I guess that's a guy from Glee on the keys. But holy shit, she can sing. PIPES FOR DAYS. Thank GOD they shushed the hell out of the rest of the bar, because I'd pay money forever to listen to her sing. Once the audience downgraded themselves to backing chorus, the song really started working. Fuck me. Having a really good voice is like the coolest thing in the world. I've always said if I could have a rockstar voice or be a professional athlete, I wouldn't even hesitate to be the singer.

PPPS - One of my biggest dreams is to be at a bar with karaoke when a super famous singer walks in and just murders song after song. Ideally that would be Freddie Mercury, since the thought of watching him do karaoke in a half-filled bar is too mind bottling for me to even process. But he's also dead, so I think my dream needs a NEW dream.

4xPS - When it comes to professionals rocking karaoke, the only video I can think of is this:

 Watch this.

I haven't watched this in years and my immediate concern was that people wouldn't even know who Jewel WAS these days. Does your average 20-year-old know who Jewel is? But I felt a little better when I heard some Miley in the background. Miley bridges GENERATIONS. 

I also forgot how great this video is:

I wish I could animate this into a GIF of her eating a taco.


The Jumping Clap is one of the world's first documented cases of a girl celebrating something, predated only by the 'hand over the heart because I just might have a heart attack' and 'double handed mouth cover' moves.

I've decided this girl is my soul mate because obviously we share a common dream of seeing a professional sing karaoke at a bar.

"Wait, Karen is Jewel?"

"Jewel is Karen!?"


That guy wearing a 'Why is HE telling us whom we can't marry?' shirt excites me as believer in marriage equality AND fine grammar. When was this, 2010? Is he a marriage equality HIPSTER? #LATFH

IN CONCLUSION: I wanna see a professional do a sneak-attack karaoke performance at a bar and I'm now sitting here by myself as a 28-year-old guy singing 'eeeeeeeeven after you're goneeeeee'. #TeamJewel

It's time to tug at ALLLLL of the heartstrings. If this doesn't put a smile on your face and a tear in your eye, then you need to start retracing your steps in life to figure out the exact moment when you turned from human being into cold, dark nothingness. Few things are as satisfying as good things happening to good people, and I'm 100% sold that we're witnessing exactly that. People everywhere are impressed that some kid got accepted into all the Ivy League schools, and all I can do is sit here and be blown away by what this girl has gone through and continues to do.

PS - I'm not even linking to an article of the kid who got into the Ivies. The second I read, 'He's not a typical African-American kid' I wanted to throw up. Like the admissions people at Yale were sitting around sipping tea saying, 'Oh hold on Reginald! This isn't our NORMAL kind of black kid!' F that.


Well isn't that just the most beautiful thing you've ever seen? One enormous prime rib prepared by my dad and brother. Everything about it looks incredible: charred skin (idk if it's skin), pink center, juice dripping EVERYWHERE. Gah. That looks restaurant quality, and I swear I'm not just saying that because my family made it. If a clean-cut Brazilian showed up table-side with that hunk of meat and a machete, you'd be flipping your card green until you got carpal tunnel. Carpal tunnel sounds MISERABLE.


A sailboat drifting into the sunset as the moon creeps in from above? Where the fuck do people take these pictures? Sometimes I look at a shot like this and question if it's actually real. The sun and the moon are lined up a little suspiciously, right? And since when is the moon so fucking big? Unless this was during #Supermoon time, in which case all bets are off because #Supermoon fears NO ONE.




Can someone get this guy a bigger bucket?

I'm not even sure what's going on here but I LOVE it.

Big bro, kind of a dick move.

That last one actually pissed me off a little. But at the same time... what's the best way to make a baby elephant look MORE adorable? Put a medium-sized elephant next to him! GENIUS. I want ALL the #ElefantesPequenos and enough kiddie pools to keep them occupied for DAYS. Once they're big enough to murder me they can go somewhere else.





It's been such an incredible ride, but one way or another, it ends in Dallas. No matter what happens, this has been one of the enjoyable seasons to follow that I can remember. 16-0 to start the year, a 1-5 stretch when some people really starting questioning these guys, and then they stormed back with big win after big win. A 12 point halftime deficit against Oregon had most people wondering where it all went wrong, but they battled back in a big way. Baylor's zone and length were supposed to bother UW to no end, but Bo had them ready. And last Saturday night, facing an athletic, dominant defensive team littered with NBA prospects, they held on in overtime.

Why do I feel like I'm eulogizing them? This team ain't done. Not by any damn definition of the word. 40 more minutes. Win it, and buy yourself another 40. That's it. Time to make some history. THE PICKS:





  1. I'd like to be in the writer's/director's room when they were scripting the sequel to "Don't Copy That Floppy."

    "We need a reference to the first video to show how long the problem has existed. I'd like to have the kids watching it."

    "But Frank...if the kids are watching a video of a fedora-wearing prototypical late 80s rapper standing in front of a blue screen spitting out nursery-rhyme level stuff they'd have to be openly mocking it for it to make any sense."

    "Okay. Have them mock it. Once that's over with we can get on with the video. I'm thinking what we'll go with is we'll have a fedora-wearing prototypical late 80s rapper standing in front of a blue screen spitting out nursery-rhyme level stuff. Sound good?"

    "...Oh, Frank :( "

    1. I'm guessing what actually happened wasn't too far off from this.