Thursday, October 9, 2014


UGH. Every inch of that game was exactly the miserable experience I expected. It wouldn't be a trip to Evanston without shitty weather, a sloppy game, overeager nerds, and a final score that makes you wonder how it was all possible. How does a team with Melvin Gordon rushing for 259 yards on 27 carries only score 14 points? How does a team that rushed 25 times for 50 yards the week before go off for 203 yards against what was a stout Wisconsin defense? How did Gary Andersen and Andy Ludwig watch Tanner McEvoy throw the ball during fall camp and decide that HE would be the starting quarterback? Oh, I know the answer to that last one! "We want a mobile quarterback who can make plays with his feet."

WELL THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD CALL PLAYS THAT UTILIZE HIS ABILITY TO MAKE PLAYS WITH HIS FEET. Read options, options, rollouts, bootlegs... you know, plays where a mobile quarterback can actually be lethal? Why don't we do any of that? Instead, we get a mobile quarterback with 1 rushing attempt for 8 yards and 10 passing attempts for 24 yards. That is on the coaches. It's not McEvoy's fault that he can't throw the damn ball. It's Andersen's and Ludwig's fault that they put him back there and asked him to be a standard pocket passer. NOT HIS STRENGTH. Here's what I saw in that Northwestern game (I was drunk and haven't re-watched it and have no desire to do so):

  • MGIII would be a top 3 Heisman contender if Stave was named the starter before the LSU game. I STILL maintain we would've beaten LSU, and no way were we going to lose to Northwestern if Stave had 4 games and 5 weeks of practice with the 1's, as opposed to coming in cold off the bench at halftime after being mentally mind-fucked by one of the worst decisions Wisconsin coaches have made in a long time. I have no idea what other kinds of mind-fucking there are, but this was a deep mental mind-fuck on Stave. Regardless, MGIII has 871 rushing yards with 7 regular season games to go. To get to 2,000 yards before a hypothetical B1G Championship Game (LOL) or mid-card bowl game (SEC boning, coming right up), he'd need to average 161 yards a game. Illinois/Maryland/@Rutgers/@Purdue/Nebraska/@Iowa/Minnesota. I'm not betting against it.
  • Stave's 4th quarter touchdown drive. Small victory, but he made two throws that McEvoy would stand no chance of making. Given how rusty he is, those two throws alone are enough to confirm what I've known for a while: Sunshine gives us our best chance at winning football games.
  • Schoolbus drinking. Big ups to Will's on filling TWO schoolbuses, allowing for maximum schoolbus drinking. Haven't been wasted on a schoolbus in a long time. Felt good.

  • That Gaglianone field goal attempt. You might think it should be 'ugly' given how badly he missed it, but attempting a field goal from that distance, on that field, in those conditions... well, it was just a stupid plan to begin with. And if you want to call Gaglianone ugly, then you're an idiot.
  • In the second half, with Stave at the helm, we won 14-10. Maybe this should be under 'good'!

  • 4 Wisconsin turnovers, 0 Northwestern turnovers. That we almost came back and stole that game was incredible. You literally never deserve to win a game with the turnover margin that lopsided. Stave's goal line pick was one of the single worst decisions a quarterback can make. The playcalling was probably worse: 1st and goal from the 3 and you have the best running back in the country. Give him the rock. 4 times in a row if you have to. And if you ARE going play-action, then the call is either 'dump to the wide open guy or THROW IT THE F AWAY'. Everything about that sequence was god-awful.
  • Speaking of turnovers, our quarterbacks get ZERO help from their receivers. Stave threw some decent deep balls, and even McEvoy's pick wasn't that bad (idk, again, drunk). But if the receivers are content sitting there waiting for the ball to get to them, then they're also content watching the other team make plays on the ball and making me want to cry. Get up there, high point it, and make a damn play. Big area of concern coming into the season being validated right in front of our sad eyes.
  • The rushing defense. Just, ugh.
  • Playcalling balance. Any time MGIII racks up 260 yards on 10 yards a carry, YOU SHOULD NOT BE THROWING THE BALL MORE THAN YOU'RE FEEDING HIM. In what galaxy do you expect to get 10 yards per passing attempt with this offense? I don't care about time or situation: if you have no passing game to speak off, then you feed your Heisman-caliber running back who was in the midst of ripping their defense apart, one first down at a time.

There are probably 17 more 'uglies'. I'm over this game. Hate it. Done with it. Don't like its face.

 I'm sure the turnout at Will's for an 11 AM game on the heels of the debacle in Evanston will be super. This is my yearly reminder that yes, even as shitty as they look, you'll YEARN for these gamedays once they're gone. Don't let a silly little thing like a hangover hold you back. Chug water, pass out, scalding hot shower, greasy food, Sugar Ray, BOOM, no more hangover. It's worked for centuries.




8) Anders Holm

Big fan. And he's not one of those FAKE alums that went to Wisconsin for like a semester. Ders CUT HIS TEETH running along the lake, swimming on the swim team, and being a general freak around Madison. All he did with that experience was parlay it into a totally successful comedy career as one of the showrunners on Workaholics - one of the top comedy shows in the game today. However, if there's one problem with Ders, it's his hometown: Evanston. WHY. I'm not saying he was happy we lost to Northwestern last weekend (I doubt it), it's just that I'm shocked that Evanston could churn out someone as awesome as Anders.

Maybe I'm just an idiot, but I was actually surprised to see that Anders is older than I am. I guess it's because his character on Workaholics is supposed to be a recent grad struggling with life in the 9-5, so that made me THINK he was in his mid-20s. I feel less old now! Thanks Ders!

PS - Between him and SVP, UW has had some awesome commencement speakers. I don't want a president to come mail it in. I don't want a poet laureate. Give me a SportsCenter host and the creator of Workaholics ANY day. 


9) William S. Harley
10) J.J. Watt
Honorable Mention: The Daddy-O of SpaghettiOs


1) Michigan State, 4-1 (1-0). CONGRATULATIONS on everything going really well for your football program right now, I am very happy for you.

2) Ohio State, 4-1 (1-0). What happened to 'getting smokeshowed by Virginia Tech' OSU? I LOVE that OSU! Bring that OSU back. Now. Thanks.

3) Nebraska, 5-1 (1-1). At some point, Twitter started emailing me little 'week in review' summaries. Being the stat-whore that I am, I LOVE these. I'm only mentioning this right now because I think Twitter accidentally punned my face off this week:


That's literally perfect. The caption, that is. The picture, well, that might be one of my favorite pictures in the history of the internet. You know I'm a sucker for old people being terrible at the internet, and this is kind of an extension of that. There's not a doubt in my mind she's going to Russian Walgreenskinovski after that to get those pictures developed. Gotta frame 'em up for the grandkids!

4) Rutgers, 5-1 (1-1). You had one job to do... and you did it! My only solace in this shitshow of a football season is knowing that as bad as things are, they're not as bad as they are in Ann Arbor. SUCK IT MICHIGAN

5) Northwestern, 3-2 (2-0). I did not see any nerds reading books in the stands, but I'm more attributing that to the rainy weather than anything else. CAN'T GET THE BOOKS WET. Speaking of books:

That right there is a perfect Craigslist ad. Accurate title, revealing picture, and just the right amount of humor. I'm not even in the market for a new pocket thesaurus and I want it.

PS - Thesaurus is another one of those words that I do not enjoy spelling. At all. Looking up 'restaurant' in a thesaurus hurts my brain in so many ways.

6) Maryland, 4-2 (1-1). Yeah, I'd say OSU dropping 52 on you qualifies as your 'welcome to the B1G' moment. Welcome!

7) Indiana, 3-2 (0-1). Maybe it's just because I'm a nerd or I work on the mobile team at my company, but I love these things:


I totally get using a screenshot of a phone call when filming a TV show instead of having some intern dialing the phone in reality and hoping it rings when it's supposed to. But come on. At least hide the photo toolbar. That's Fake TV 101.

PS - Androids are such piles it offends me. Disgusting devices. If Mad Catz made phones, they'd be top selling Android units.

PPS - Is there anything better than watching someone else grab the Mat Cat controller? God those things were heinous.

8) Iowa, 4-1 (1-0). I have not watched one second of Iowa football this year. Does that sap me of any presumed credibility as a 'sports blogger'? To be honest, I barely watch ANY college football. I mean, I watch it. I just don't really remember the details after spending the day drinking by the bucket. Sunday morning is a hot combo of Drunk Text Review and 'OOOO, Michigan lost again? EAT IT'. Fun games!

9) Minnesota, 4-1 (1-0). Because I can't get enough old people being bad at the internet:

PRINTING A VIDEO! Genius! The best part of this for me is that this dad was trying to print a video tab of Smoke On The Water. Not only is Dad terrible at the internet, but he's just picking up guitar. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG WITH THIS COMBINATION

PS - My dad started playing guitar in the last year or so. Nothing beats being woken up on a Saturday at 9 AM for guitar practice. Smoke On The Water not an uncommon choice.

10) Penn State, 4-1 (1-1). I got a haircut this week and NO ONE at work said anything. I was expecting the standard, 'Oh, looks like SOMEBODY got a haircut!' line that everyone always finds so amusing (it's not).  Maybe even a serious, 'did you get a haircut?' question. Nope. Nothing. And it's not like I got a haircut 3 weeks ago. I was WAY overdue for this chopping. It's possible that I'm just incredibly self-centered (is that what this is?), but I'm moderately disappointed by the lack of reaction. I was SO ready to tell them all that they get one haircut joke each, MAKE IT COUNT. I feel like Michael Scott bringing in donuts for his own birthday, setting them up in the break room, and then going all, 'Somebody brought donuts for my birthday!' when a person walks in. WISH ME HAPPY HAIRCUTDAY

PS - Ooo look what I found:

11) Michigan, 2-4 (0-2). Are we prepared for Michigan to go 1-7 in B1G play? Because it is TOTALLY possible. Holy shit, I just got weak in the knees.

12) Purdue, 3-3 (1-1). Big lack of cute animal GIFs. That's on me. I'll own that. Let's fix:

Baby rhinos are the German Shepherds of the African wildlife ear game.

PS - Really effective holding cell you got there. I'm guessing this was the inspiration:

13) Illinois, 3-3 (0-2). Riveting game we got brewing this weekend. One team lost to Purdue (at home), the other lost to Northwestern. RATINGS CITY

14) Wisconsin, 3-2 (0-1). I don't even know:

I guess I just feel like Barry Burbank over here. Can't catch a break.

PS - Barry Burbank was born to tell the news.

PPS - Someday I bet these kinds of things won't be very funny to me. 'Oh, he accidentally grabbed his mug upside down. Look at that.'

Today is not that day.

3xPS - I've spent the majority of my life wondering if TV show hosts actually have coffee/water/brandy in their mugs. This really throws my beliefs off the tracks. Do the mugs only exist so they don't get the JIMMY HANDS during broadcasts? That would be plausible. But maybe they like to keep water in the mugs so their mouths don't get dry, and drinking water out of a glass looks kind of silly so they drink it out of a mug. That also seems possible.

I'll never know the truth.


Chill, laid back new track from T.I. and Pharrell. Given Pharrell's recent track record, this track will likely soon be overplayed to the point where your ears will want to bleed. (@DannyGoldin)

Florida band changing up their sound on their latest record and its paying dividends in the 80's/dancing/cocaine/pop game. I love it. Huge fan of his voice and his facial similarities to Michael Pitt. (JQW)

Big week. Weezer's newest album dropped on Tuesday... and I think I'm digging it? Holy shit that feels weird. I tolerated the Green Album. I mean, come on. I was in high school. Every album after that has had at MOST 1 or 2 songs I enjoyed. And yet, every single time Weezer releases a new album, I get stupid excited. Who knows? Maybe they come out with something REMOTELY similar to the Blue Album (literally a perfect album) or Pinkerton (provider of more away messages for a confused teenager than anything else on this planet). But every time, I come away disappointed.

That might not be the case anymore. It'll take a few more listens, but I'm really starting to enjoy the hell out of Everything Will Be Alright In The End. Oddly enough, the first two 'singles' released were my least favorite songs (Back To The Shack & Cleopatra). Outside of those two tracks, well, there's really something brewing here. The duet on Go Away is doing things for me, Foolish Father ends with a minute of awesomeness, and then the album closes with what is essentially a three part, 7+ minute semi-instrumental MASTERPIECE. The entire back half of this album is already entrenched in my 'favorites' playlist on Spotify.

This Weezer fanboy is enjoying the week.


UW Starting Quarterback Joel Stave vs. UW Starting Quarterback Tanner McEvoy

No reason to beat around the bush on this one. In a game where we should rush for 10,000 yards against what is shaping up to be the worst team in the conference, the only thing that really matters is what happens under center. Andersen came out on Tuesday and said that both quarterbacks are gonna play (disastrous idea) and that they're splitting reps (foolish). What's the old saying? If you have two quarterbacks, you really have no quarterback? I think that might be in play here. Frankly, the thought that Stave isn't getting 100% of the first team reps in practice is painful. The kid can make more throws than McEvoy (any number is greater than 0). Get him up to speed as fast as possible.

This shouldn't be so difficult.


Counting down the days

Dekker, Frank, Nigel, Gasser

Really miss you, Bo


It's obnoxious how well trained this dog is. I don't even get how you train a dog that well. And yet... is this the most obedient dog on the internet? How does he stack up with the defending champion?

If you know me, you should know that Joby is one of my favorite videos on the internet. And yet, I am just now discovering this JOBY REMIX:

Fucking brilliant.

Just sitting here, loving Price is Right videos. They're so VERY entertaining. I always try to give these people the benefit of the doubt. When you're on TV with a bunch of people watching you, it's not crazy to get flustered and make a mistake. But some of these people are so REMARKABLY stupid that I can't let them off the hook.

PS - I'd love to know what Geraldine is gonna do with that motorcycle.

PPS - Geraldine, ELITE old person name. I bet Ethel and Gladys back at the home were going nuts when she won.

PPPS - Still the best Price is Right video:


Bone-in ribeye, one giant baked potato, and half of a beer flight from Wildfire. I used to be a filet guy through and through, but I've really grown to love cuts with a little fat on them. Maybe it's because I've convinced myself that they definitely do have more flavor (possible). Maybe it's because I thoroughly enjoy dropping the fork and knife routine and finishing off the bone AU NATURAL like nature intended (CAVEMAN STATUS CONFIRMED). Either way, there's only one place in the world where I feel compelled to get a filet. Anywhere else, and I'm going ribeye/strip/prime rib. Or Porterhouse if I'm feeling adventurous.

PS - Before I dug in, I couldn't quite put my finger on what my steak looked like. Was it...

AMERICA THE STEAKIFUL? Close, but the lack of STEAK FLORIDA kinda makes this a little forced. Perhaps it was...

DRAGON STEAK. I think we've gotten to the core of why this steak was so damn good. Steak, America, and Game of Thrones are literally 3 of my top 10 favorite things ever.

PPS - You haven't really lived until you've stayed up til 1 AM learning how to make a GIF in Photoshop of a steak turning into a dragon.


One of those sunsets where it looks like someone painted the sky. DEEP. I enjoy sunsets.


I don't care how badly things are going. I don't care that we're trying some asinine two quarterback system. I don't care that the coaching staff is making it VERY difficult to keep the faith. This is Illinois we're playing. They are HORRENDOUS. The only thing stopping MGIII from going off for 300+ yards is the game getting too out of hand.





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