Thursday, October 30, 2014

at Rutgers

Observations from Madison:
  • CRANES EVERYWHERE. I love the people that cry about the city building itself up a little. 'GONNA LOSE THAT SMALL TOWN CHARM I LOVE'. Dumbest thing in the world. If you don't modernize, in 15 years every building looks like that really shitty little house that used to be across the street from Riley's/420. You do not want a city full of that shitty little house that used to be across the street from Riley's/420. Madison is all CUTTING EDGE with small town charm. That requires some new, hot looking buildings with rooftop pools and additional BBQ restaurants. Fucking love Madison 2.0.
  • One time not long ago I remarked that I loved when girls wore all those red/black flannels on gamedays. Someone quickly pointed out how absurdly Sconnie it is to find that look supremely attractive compared to the 'standard' gameday getups around the country. Touche. But still, hellllo.
  • The KK is still exactly what the KK has always been. A dungeon that people trick themselves into believing is the best bar on the planet. I'll never fully understand it. But I at least went with the flow and enjoyed myself because of the company, not because of the location. Plus, anytime two large people are basically having sex at the bar at like 7 PM, you can sit back and smile:

FYI her hand is up his shirt there. That giant man has a shirt held together by the two middle buttons, which is some kind of sorcery. It's also in the most visible part of the KK (front bar, right by the entrance). Eventually one of her friends came by and gave her the 'I think you're really drunk and should go home before you accidentally have sex on top of the bar and people take Snapchats of it, k hun?' speech. That's both the best and the worst friend possible. We may or may not have booed her.
  • Everyone knows that the REAL KK is the Karaoke Kid. I could not speak on Sunday or Monday because my voice was thrashed from belting out 'Sex on Fire', 'Since U Been Gone', and a million other hot jams. Karaoke Kid is just a strange little spot. It's basically a hallway of a bar that I think sells sake bombs and is owned by an old Asian lady (PERHAPS THE ASIAN FROM RILEY'S? perhapsnot) and has killer karaoke. Great way to be drunk and act out and not feel completely psycho.
  • Is it me or does every place with a parking lot now do OFFICIAL gameday parties? The fucking HONG KONG CAFE was throwing DOWN in their parking lot. Rocky's was one-in one-out just to booze there, let alone chew. I've never seen this before. Maybe I never walked down Regent in a sober enough mindset to appreciate it, but it's absolutely beautiful and glorious and Wisconsin that any property with a square foot of pavement is selling beer and playing music.
  • Speaking of music, fully on board with T-$wift Shake It Off. I don't think she's really that good of a singer, but if she can write hooks like that song then it doesn't even matter. Fucking danced my face off to that song all weekend at every opportunity possible. I wanna release a remix of it that just does the chorus again instead of the brutal white girl rap part. Damnit Taylor. Don't you remember what happens when you try to look too cool?

Oh fuck me, I'm hate hate hate hate hate hating aren't I? I'M SORRY T-$WIFT
  • The food at Camp Randall still sucks. Boring hot dogs. Plain brats. I finally found the ONE different stand that sold some sausage sampler platter and drunk Brandon was EXCITED. Meh. It was 3 interesting mini sausages on buns with no fun cheeses or sauces or toppings and oh god I just need Hot Doug's back in my life. Anyway, for a fucking state FAMOUS for the kind of food made for stadium concessions, Camp Randall gets 0 curds out of 10.
  • Asian Kitchen, still fire.
Good times, as always.

PS - If you think I've been doing anything other than listening to Shake It Off while shakewriting this entire section then you're out of your damn mind. If my friends from Will's are reading this, I think we know what the new pre-game song has to be. TIMBER OUT. T-$WIFT IN. #ONSHAKESCONSIN

CHICAGO BADGERS: Post-Halloween 11 AM gamedays really separate the men and women from the boys and girls. Don't be a boy or girl. Be a man or a woman.




Not a whole lot. Don't care. Moving on.


  • John Carpenter, Millionaire. To be more specific, Carpenter was THE millionaire. As in, the first guy to win the full million on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. And not only did he win, but he won with BRAVADO by using only one lifeline to call his dad on the million dollar question and tell him he knew the answer. Man, you remember how BIG Millionaire was? Families gathering around the tube TV's, no smartphones to stare at, no Twitter to distract yourself with. SIMPLER TIMES.
  • Kristin Davis, the hot one from Sex and the City. Horsey, Oldie, Gingie, and the Hot One. That was Sex and the City when you're a teenage boy. And damn she was hot. Always had a thing for Charlotte. Bonus points, she was one of Jerry's MANY ladyfriends on Seinfeld, AND this:
During her 2009 visit to Africa, Davis, a lifelong lover of elephants, discovered an abandoned baby elephant and arranged for it to be taken to a wildlife rehabilitation center. 
She loves #ELEFANTESPEQUENOS? I had no idea she was such a total package.
  • James Gandolfini, professional badass. Respect.
  • Jackie Aprile Jr., terrible gangster. Sticking with the Sopranos for a second, Jackie Jr. was a real special kind of moron. All Tony ever did was look out for him, try to keep him safe, try to make sure he didn't make the same mistakes Tony made. How did Jackie repay him? Boned Meadow, let her down, lied to Tony, and forced Tony to get him got. His father, Jackie, was such a stand up guy. Am I jealous that he went to bonetown with Meadow? OF COURSE. But then he tried to pretend he was gonna go into male fashion and we all know how that turned out.
  • Pras, rapper. THE Ghetto Superstar went to Rutgers? Well, he went to Rutgers College (and Yale?). This has gotten very confusing. Onward.
  • Ray Rice, piece of shit. ELITE piece of shit.
  • Harold Hill Smith, geneticist. The FIRST geneticist to fuse a human cell with a plant cell. And... we celebrate that? Harold Hill Smith here is mating ferns and people and we're supposed to be in awe? That's just weird. What's the result of boning a plant and a person? This?

Pretty sure I hate Rutgers.


6) Frank Lloyd Wright

I had an English teacher in high school who fucking LOVED Frank Lloyd Right. We're talking about one of your old, get-off-my-lawn, kids these days make me want go read the paper in anger on my lunch break kind of old guys here. But if there was one thing that could always brighten Mr. Young's day, it was Frank Lloyd Wright.

To be honest, all I know about FLW is that he designed some stupidly cool looking houses. Didn't he make that house on a waterfall? FALLING WATER:

That's a sweet fucking house. Can't deny that. And FLW designed like a thousand houses and buildings all around the world before he died. That's impressive. Even George Costanza couldn't pretend to be an architect as successful as FLW was. FLW built the Guggenheim, and George only PRETENDED to do the addition to the Guggenheim. I'm trying really hard to get excited about this architect but it's not as easy as I thought it was going to be. OH WAIT THERE'S CONTROVERSY:
Local gossips noticed Wright's flirtations, and he developed a reputation in Oak Park as a man-about-town. His family had grown to six children, but Wright was not paternal and the brood required most of Catherine's attention. In 1903, Wright designed a house for Edwin Cheney, a neighbor in Oak Park, and immediately took a liking to Cheney's wife, Mamah Borthwick Cheney. Mamah Cheney was a modern woman with interests outside the home. She was an early feminist and Wright viewed her as his intellectual equal. The two fell in love, and they became the talk of the town, as they often could be seen taking rides in Wright's automobile through Oak Park. Wright's wife, Kitty, sure that this attachment would fade as the others had, refused to grant him a divorce. Neither would Edwin Cheney grant one to Mamah.
Frank Lloyd Wright, KIND OF A WHORE! YES! Now we're getting somewhere. Design a couple buildings and apparently you can just go around boning who you want and no one will stop you. It finally makes sense why Costanza always wanted to pretend to be an architect.

PS - It bothers me significantly that no one will ever think of me as a 'man-about-town'. Ball so hard.

PPS - "Wright was not paternal and the brood required most of Catherine's attention". Do enough cool shit in your life and people will just casually ignore that you were actually a TERRIBLE person. What kind of man-about-town doesn't look after his brood? FLW, total scumbag.

PPPS - I bet FLW's favorite Papa Roach song is NOT Brood Brothers.

4xPS - Mr. Young would get ROASTED if kids had Wikipedia while he was waxing poetically about FLW. He TOTES knew none of us were gonna go to the library and read a book to figure out that FLW was just siring children around Wisconsin like a prized pony and not brood-tending them.


7) Butch Vig
8) Anders Holm
9) William S. Harley
10) J.J. Watt

Honorable Mention: The Daddy-O of SpaghettiOs


1) Michigan State, 7-1 (4-0). I will be most very disappointed if they make the Playoff. DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN, BARRY

2) Ohio State, 6-1 (3-0). At least we need like 900 different things to happen in perfect order for OSU to sneak in there. That would not be a fun scenario to watch unfold.

3) Nebraska, 7-1 (3-1). I'm tutoring some kids for the ACT, and you know what I realized? Math is HARD:

I have literally no idea what congruency is. And it's not like I was a moron at math back in the day - I SMOKESHOWED the math section on the ACT. But I looked at this question, looked at the kids, and we all agreed to pretend like we didn't see it.

PS - Leticia buying some discount CDs in 2014? Nice try, Mr. White ACT Test Writer Guy.

4) Wisconsin, 5-2 (2-1). This old guy Maryland fan who basically looked like Grandpa Joe from Willy Wonka was ripping shots at the KK Friday night:

In case you needed more confirmation of how awesome Wisconsin was, I highly doubt he rips fireball at any OTHER road game. Grandpa Joe, doing big things in Madtown.

5) Iowa, 5-2 (2-1). You know it's way past your bedtime when you email yourself that picture with the subject 'Old guy', except the email never shows up in your inbox. And then you realize that you accidentally emailed a coworker you've never met who lives in Australia and happens to be reading his email at 1:32 AM Chicago time:

"Who needs context when you can jump to conclusions", validating my belief that I work with some really smart people.

PS - Really hope Ben in Australia actually has a Random Old Guys tumblr page.

PPS - Work email on the phone, dangerous game that I'm still feeling out.

6) Maryland, 5-3 (2-2). God you guys really shit the bed. That was PATHETIC. FYI, still mad at you for scoring that late garbage touchdown. Who spoils a shutout on Homecoming? Honestly.

7) Indiana, 3-4 (0-3). PREDICTION: Frank scores 100 points combined in the 2 games against IU this year. Oh, what's that? We only play them once in conference because we added these Maryland and Rutgers morons? BUT I NEED MORE CREAN DEVASTATION

8) Michigan, 3-5 (1-3). Can't stop reveling in Michigan's misery. Can't stop, won't stop, keep being terrible please and thank you.

9) Penn State, 4-3 (1-3). I'm not sure who wrote this, but it's spot on:


PS - Being a teacher sounds like a blast.

10) Rutgers, 5-3 (1-3). WE COMIN' FOR YOU. Shane Falco ain't coming through that door to rescue you at the last second.

11) Illinois, 4-4 (1-3). I wanna go to Champaign and personally high five everyone involved in beating Minnesota. I saw the line was Minnesota -3 and told my degenerate gambler friend that it was LITERALLY free money. I am a bad gambler.

12) Northwestern, 3-4 (2-2). Got nothing.

13) Purdue, 3-5 (1-3). Scraping the bottom of the barrel here.

14) Minnesota, 6-2 (3-1). The girl is Minnesota. The toy is their season:

I have an actual human friend who claims that AFV is her legit favorite show on television. Every once in a while I see a clip like this that makes me think maybe she ISN'T completely insane.


In love with this beat. Btw, I saw Riff Raff at a festival last year, and he's a MUST see act - awful rapper, but provided the most epic between-song soliloquy's I've ever witnessed. (@DannyGoldin)

Clams Casino is a producer who makes amazing beats that get used by shit rappers. Criminal. He has an instrumental series which better show just how talented this fine young cannibal is. Downers go hand in hand with this motherfucker. Raise your pinkies to the sky... (JQW)

New jam I'm really digging these days. Always good to get on the bandwagon elevator at ground level. TO THE TOP WE GOOOOO



Dave Aranda's Nasty D vs. Rutgers Either Has A Gimpy QB Or A Backup QB

Not to be lost in all the bagging on Ludwig: Dave Aranda is a freaking stud in the coaching world. This man WILL be a head coach in due time. His defense has really been all that it was cracked up to be: smaller, faster, more aggressive, FUN TO WATCH. I think that's the key for me. We've got Caputo running in on blitzes timed PERFECTLY with the snap. Linebackers are leasing apartments in opposing backfields. Nothing looks easy for the other team.

Yeah, LSU opened us up... but only after we lost Herring. This is still less than two years into the Aranda system. Once he has his recruits coming up through his learning, I expect the depth and the quality to only improve. That's a scary thought considering they're currently 7th in the country in points allowed.


Every night I sleep

I dream of Wisconsin hoops

And Rocky's sausage

That's not normal.


There are probably 5,000 videos of someone doing the whole layup-free throw-three pointer-half courter combo for $XXXXX on YouTube. But I highly doubt there's a more satisfying attempt at it. This guy looked HOPELESS at each step. And yet, there he is, burying the half courter as the backboard light goes off. So perfect.

I guess I never realized where marble came from? From Marble Mountain? Shouldn't people be harvesting this like crazy? I'm still not sure why this is so mesmerizing, but it totally is. Shirtless guy shimmying to direct giant machines in ripping massive chunks of marble from this beautiful mountain. Cool stuff.

PS - Marble Mountain needs to be a Mario Kart level where random slabs of marble fall down all over the place. A giant Mario Kart track made of marble. OH MY GOD that sounds amazing.

The best pranks are the simplest pranks. Like this one.

And this one. Holy hell this is brilliant. The confusion between the two tech support people is so perfect.


"But Brandon, only LOSERS don't get a #4 Super Slice meal with Sausage/Pepperoni. Who gets two normal slices? What is this, high school? LOSER."

Well it's not MY damn fault. I DID order the #4 Super Slice meal with S/R (Rocky's lingo for Sausage/Roni). But then I sat down in my plush vinyl booth and opened that beast only to have my heart RIPPED FROM MY SOUL when I discovered the 'R' in 'S/R' stood for mushRooms. Turns out Chet from Janesville was a little too stoned at work that day and accidentally threw S/shRoom slices in the S/R boxes, and then Christi and Jenni up front had no idea. So, given the choice between waiting 10 minutes hungover for a real S/R Super Slice or just taking two normal slices... HANGOVER 1, SUPER SLICE 0.

But that's okay. Rocky still delivered. PIZZA PUN. I fucking love me some Rocky's. This is the beginning of me writing this blog after drinking if you haven't realized yet. And I'm writing it in absolutely zero logical order. WHICH PART IS THE DRUNKEST, you decide! It's like a game!


SUNRISE AT PICNIC POINT. Hi. My name is Brandon. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents and I've NEVER been to Picnic Point. Only 1 of those 3 are true.

Is that bad? Isn't Picnic Point like in Verona? Oh my god I'm the WORST Wisconsin alum of all-time. You should totes be judging my face off for this travesty. I am sorry.

PS - Love the @UWMadison Twitter account:

I am so happy I went to an awesome school.


Really nailed last week's prediction. LET'S DO THAT AGAIN