Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Outback Bowl vs. #19 Auburn

What a long, strange trip it's been. A season that started out with the perplexing McEvoy-over-Stave decision and ensuing LSU chokejob has ended with a new coach and a somewhat familiar date with an SEC opponent on New Year's Day. I'm not sure how we'll look back at this year down the road, but I do know that ending with a victory over Auburn will put a MUCH more positive spin on things. STRONG TAKE CITY.

But regardless of the outcome on Thursday, I enter the football offseason BRIMMING with optimism. GA - for all his faults - assembled a pretty impressive recruiting class this year. And almost all of them have reaffirmed their commitments in the wake of the coaching turnover. The staff will come together nicely, and frankly as long as they get a few guys who can recruit, it won't really matter much. Chryst and Aranda represent two of the most gifted coordinators we've seen. Offensive guru head coach with strong Wisconsin ties inherits young badass defensive whiz who has quickly established his system in Madison. That's a thing of beauty.


So enjoy the game on Thursday. The basketball team will take the spotlight starting on Sunday, but it's a long, long time until we can all gather around a bucket of curds to watch Sunshine sling us to victory. Offseasons suck. Let's have fun Thursday.




CHICAGO BADGERS: I know. I already feel the pain you feel. It's an 11 am game the morning after your respective New Year's Rager. No one ever said having fun was easy. But you're gonna suck it up. WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS, remember my IRONCLAD method to conquering a hangover:

  1. Slam water before bed. This is a must. Multiple glasses. Just do it.
  2. Take a scorching lava hot shower when you wake up. Roughly 10-10:15 am on Thursday should do the trick.
  3. Eat something magnificent. Fuck cereal. Bananas are BORING. You need real food and you need it immediately. If it's not bacon or something that could conceivably have bacon on/in/around it, then you need to rethink EVERYTHING.
  4. Listen to some Sugar Ray with extreme prejudice. I prefer a little 'Fly'/'Every Morning' medley.
By now you should be feeling more than good enough to get to Will's before kickoff and muscle that first giant beer down. Once you get the first bucket of beer in your gullet, it's all downhill from there. I feel like 'it's all downhill from there' has a negative connotation, but if you think about it, it's SO much better than it all being uphill from there. I'll gladly coast down a hill guzzling beers into the wee hours. Sounds like fun!




WHO/WHERE/WHEN



TV: ESPN2 THE DOS
WEATHER: 75, KINDA CLOUDY, I CAN DIG IT






ALL OF THE AUBURN KNOWLEDGE YOU'LL EVER NEED

Let me preface this by saying that Auburn strikes me as a FILTHY establishment. Full of cheaters. Cutting corners at all costs. Am I making this sweeping assumption based on them giving Cam Newton $15 million to play football there? ABSOLUTELY. Regardless, I do not like them and you shouldn't either.


THE DIRTY SOUTH IS THE WORST

Auburn University was racially segregated prior to 1963, with only white students being admitted. Integration began in 1964 with the admittance of the first African-American student, Harold A. Franklin.[18]The first degree granted to an African-American was in 1967.[18] According to Auburn University's Office of Institutional Research and Assessment, African-Americans comprise 1,828 of the university's 24,864 undergraduates (7.35%) as of 2013 and 49 of the 1,192 full-time faculty (4.1%) as of 2012.[19][20] AU has decreased its African American faculty percentage from 4.3% in 2003 to 4.1% today, since the settlement of legal challenges to the underrepresentation of African Americans in AU's faculty in 2006.
I don't even understand that last sentence. Does it mean that there were legal cases about how few African-Americans were on faculty there, and after they settled they started reducing the rate of African-Americans on faculty even FURTHER? What am I missing here?


THEY PROBABLY LOVE BIG BANG THEORY TOO

Auburn University Computer Gaming Club – One of the oldest University Sponsored Computer Gaming Clubs in the USA. Weekly meetings and semesterly LAN parties.
Semesterly LAN parties, DON'T TELL THE FUN POLICE.

PS - Have I ever been to a LAN party? Maybe. Did I enjoy it? Maybe. If anything this makes me qualified to make fun of them.




NOTABLE ALUMNI
  • Toni Tennille (1962); award winning singer, half of the singing group "The Captain & Tennille." Let's be perfectly clear here: the ONLY reason I know who this is is because I've seen this clip a thousand times in my life. If they have famous songs, cool, I've just never listened to them. Or I have and didn't care enough to figure out who they were by.
  • William Spratling (1921); silversmith and artist, "father of Mexican silver". After reading this guy's Wikipedia page, I was completely confused on his ethnicity. American? Mexican? MESTIZO? Admittedly I saw 'father of Mexican silver' and was intrigued and then read about him and realized he was quite boring. Moving on.
  • Charles Barkley (Did not graduate); NBA Hall of Fame basketball player and one of the top 25 all-time scorers and rebounders. If Barkley isn't near the top of your list of celebrities you'd like to rage with, then you're a damn fool. Added bonus: this is one of my favorite stories:
Gilbert police noted Barkley was cooperative and respectful during the entire incident, adding that he was treated no differently than anyone arrested on DUI charges. The police report of the incident stated that Barkley told police he was in a hurry to receive oral sex from his female passenger when he ran through a stop sign early Wednesday.
  • Timothy D. Cook (1982); CEO, Apple Inc. Annnnd I'm officially shocked. Tim Cook went to Auburn? Ain't that something. This is probably why we're getting that stupid Apple Watch. There's definitely a good chance the Apple Watch becomes the new iPod and I look really stupid for saying this, but am I the only one that wants absolutely NOTHING to do with it? It could be because I'm not a watch guy, but other than sending little emojis to other Apple Watchers, I don't really see the functional value in it. I'll stick with my iPhone and be perfectly happy. Apple Watch, classic Auburn thinking involved there.
  • Jimmy Wales (1989); co-founder of Wikipedia. BUT HE'S REALLY A MAN OF MANY HATS:







Those never stop making me laugh. And I actually donated to Wikipedia once, so I'm totally allowed to poke fun at his fundraising efforts. I ain't no freeloader like the rest of them, Jimmy.
  • Holland Smith (1901); United States Marine Corps general, "father of modern U.S. amphibious warfare". Or you may know him as Holland McTyeire "Howlin' Mad" Smith. The most hardcore military officers have the BEST nicknames. Captain Steven "SKULLCRUSHER" Scalari. General Francis "BONE CHEWER" Hummel. Admiral Al "Big Al (The Sailor's Pal)" Konetzni. I didn't even have to make that last one up since there's an entire Wikipedia page dedicated to sweet military nicknames! Eugene "Black Swallow of Death" Bullard. William "Bill" "Gonorrhea" Guarnere [Band of Brothers!]. Zachary "Rough and Ready" Taylor. I could browse this list for DAYS.
  • Miller Reese Hutchison (1897); Inventor of the electric hearing aid and Klaxon automobile horn. Well that's an interesting little combo there. Guy invents the hearing aid and then invents a noise so obnoxious that you'd rather be deaf. Maybe his brilliant business plan was to blast people's ears with the AWOOGA horn until they can't hear very well anymore, and THEN sell them his hearing aids. Bunch o' SWINDLERS they got down south. And thank you, Wikipedia, for including subtitles on the audio file of the Klaxon horn:
  • Ken Mattingly (1958); astronaut, Apollo 13 (pulled), Apollo 16 (spacewalk), STS-4, STS-51-C. Get your money in now, because Wisconsin is for sure gonna win. If you're keeping score at home, Ken Mattingly (Auburn) was supposed to join Jim Lovell (Wisconsin) on Apollo 13. Except Mattingly got BUMPED and Lovell was the hero in space. And oh yeah, last I checked Lovell was played by Forrest Gump and Mattingly was played by Lieutenant Dan. Forrest Gump was an unstoppable FORCE in college football while Lieutenant Dan just wanted to die in the war in Viet FUCKING NAM. GAME SET MATCH, WISCONSIN.


RANDOM MUSIC WE'RE DIGGING HARD THIS WEEK


Most People are calling this the best album of the year. At the very least its the best Hip Hop album. El-P has never made beats this consistently good before. "I will never condescend. Now spread yourself" (JQW)





Chris Brown is an absolutely abhorrent human being, and Tyga is banging the young Kardashian sister who I'm pretty sure is like 14 years old. I actually just Googled her - she was born in 1997! So, no, not 14, but yes, under 18, aka Tyga is a statutory rapist. Regardless, as was the case with "Deuces", I'm able to put my morals aside and appreciate this hot track. (@DannyGoldin)





I really like this song.





MATCHUP TO WATCH

Melvin Gordon vs. Auburn SEC Speed

Who's ready for SEC SPEED to blow us away? I know I am!

Just like before the LSU game, we're going to hear nonstop blathering about how fast the SEC team is and how plodding Wisconsin is. MALARKEY. MGIII sure as hell looked fast enough against LSU, and he probably breaks 200 yards agains them if the GA braintrust doesn't inexplicably bench him. I'm sure Auburn's D is a step up from LSU (I've done zero research to reach this conclusion), but I still fully expect Melvin to be easy striding all over the field. It's his last game with the Motion Dub on his head and he's got a sour taste in his mouth after the OSU debacle.



THIS WEEK'S GAME IN HAIKU

Last time Barry won

Yeah, he beat these Auburn fucks

Let's do it again



YOUTUBE


I have literally no idea which parts of this are real and which parts are just actors PUNKING us. But I do know that the ending absolutely slayed me. And I loved the look on the guy in green when the thug poured one out:



Still very confused but also very entertained.



This guy literally caught the Holy Ghost from Beyoncé. Incredible stuff. I've always been amused with those phony healer folks and their witchcraft ways. One of my favorite music videos is just 3 minutes of it:


Gets me every time.



Christmas is SERIOUS BUSINESS down in Australia. Big time dedication to the mythology of the holiday. Them kids better get to bed.




What a touching video, and I'm not even joking when I say that. This girl has apparently been in and out of the hospital with some awful disease, so her dad had the police surprise her with airfare and concert tickets to see her favorite band that I've literally never heard of. Timeflies? Okay, they have a song with 27 million listens on Spotify. I'll give it a whirl.


That was... not what I like to listen to. Oh well. Have fun, Audra!


PS - After 2 minutes of me listening to this, one of my roommates chimed in with an irked 'what is this shit?' I do not think he was a fan of Timeflies.


PPS - Saukville, WI, REPRESENT.


PPPS - Had to google it to see where Saukville was - surprisingly close to my home. I feel like I should've known this.


4xPS - Yeah, all cops are not terrible people. Frightening how easily people forget this.





#FOODPORN



Bone-in pork loin, noodle kugel, Caesar salad, and homemade bread. A CHRISTMAS EVE FEAST FOR THE AGES. I fucking love noodle kugel. Jewish mac and cheese never disappoints. And whenever I hear pork loin, this is literally all I can think of:


Every inch of that video gives me the giggles. L-I-O-N, -Cupine... it's all perfect.




#SKYPORN



CHRISTMAS #SKYPORN! I was just strummin' away on the guitar when my dad goes 'there's some skyporn out there'. HE WAS SO RIGHT! GOOD CALL DAD! I ran out there like an idiot possessed, standing on chairs, contemplating getting on the roof. Fantastic sky. Whole thing was ablaze with color and EMOTION. Milwaukee, USA, #skyporn capital of the world.



PREDICTION CITY

Real talk, no one really thinks we're gonna win, right? As long as we're all on the same page, I'm gonna go ahead and pick us to win anyway because I'm temporarily feeling very homery and I hate picking us to lose.

THE PICK:

WISCONSIN 30, AUBURN 28




***



ON WISCONSIN

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