Wednesday, November 18, 2015

#20 Northwestern

Jumping right into the mailbag. Part 1 up top, part 2 down below. SUCH SUSPENSE.

Tim S:

How happy are you to get a break from what has to be the least aesthetically pleasing 8-2 team in CFB history?

It was great! Slept in, went to a bar dressed in neutral grey, didn't watch a second of football, turned my brain off and had fun. Is that how non-weirdos do Saturdays? I really dug it.

With that said, I'm ready to get right back at supporting the worst 10-2 team in NCAA history. Clement still recovering from his hernia and also a dog bit him? Keep the weird coming!

Matt B:

Bryant, Schwarber & Rizzo: marry, fuck, kill - go!

Marry: Rizzo. I feel like my mom would like him the most.

Kill: Bryant. Oh, you're 6'5", dreamy, AND you are going to be the best player in the league? That's a little too perfect for me, kid.

Fuck: Schwarber. Remember in Good Will Hunting when Will is telling the story about how his dad used to give him a choice between a stick, a belt, and a wrench? And Will always chose the wrench because fuck him? I'm using that logic here.

Jake S:

First of all, I'd like to say, "body wash" is bullshit, and all men should be using bar soap. What's the etiquette on bar soap? My personal opinion is if you are showering at someone else's house and all they have is bar soap you are allowed to use it. Soap is self cleaning.

What are you, 80? Bar soap is the worst thing in the world. Are you supposed to rub the bar all over you or just rub it in your hands a lot and then rub yourself down? I do the latter on the 3 occasions each year I find myself with nothing but a stupid bar of soap in the shower.

Body wash is superior in every way imaginable. However, the body wash/shampoo all-in-one combo is a little too much for me. Like when Costanza has the fridge built into the side of his recliner.

Jake R:

Ok so here's the scenario. You have to pick one animal to fight in a one-on-one arena match with another animal. You don't know which animal you will face before the fight. Humans not included, which animal do you choose?

Hippo. Always hippo. Nothing beats a hippo. When's the last time you saw the inside of a hippo's mouth?

Disgusting and terrifying. It does not even matter that this battle doesn't take place near water - no creature on this planet is taking down a hippo. Not an elephant. Not some kind of super gorilla. And clearly not a rhino.

Hippos are MONSTERS.

Mike L:

Are the 90's officially the new 80's?

Nah. The 80's are the worst decade ever, and the 90's are still pretty cool. Yeah we all looked stupid back then, but that's the case looking back on pretty much every decade. What are the 80's known for? I don't even know. But the 90's gave us cell phones and the internet and Saved By The Bell and Jurassic Park and Weezer. Nothing in the 80's was CLOSE to that.

Joe H:

Were you at all butt-hurt when you found out that Penn State had a shorter and fatter kicker than Wisco did? The guy in question really has a story that begs youtubing. Not only did the fatty kick footballs in high school, but he apparently had D1 soccer scholarships AND ran track for a year. I imagine his races looked like this. Further neat facts include he was born in our hometown of Milwaukee but sadly did not attend high school there. And finally, as a sophomore in HS he was 5’10 (as he is currently) but only 185lbs….that’s a lot of eating, good for him.

Joe also provided this image to further illustrate his point:

Fair points. But an overweight guy from Milwaukee is one thing: an overweight kicker from Brazil that grew up in Tennessee and CHOSE to come to Wisconsin? That's beauty. Plus, Gaglianone was a baller on the pitch as well. And he has better hair.

PS - Love that they didn't round the 259 up to an even 260. That's like the psychology when you sell cars for $19,999, since it FEELS like a lot less than saying an even $20k. Smart fat kicker Penn State has. Why am I typing like Yoda.

CHICAGO BADGERS: Oh we are on a TEAR of 2:30 games. So great. Unfortunately I'll be at a wedding, which is good because this game has sneaky potential to frustrate the hell out of me. Thank god it's not in Evanston.



1) Ohio State, 10-0 (6-0). Presented without comment:

2) Michigan State, 9-1 (5-1). Color hungover Brandon surprised when he woke up on a Sunday and saw that MSU lost to Nebraska. Nebraska? NEBRASKA? Goddamn you MSU for taking the luster off the big MSU/OSU showdown this week.

3) Iowa, 10-0 (6-0). I refuse to bump them ahead of MSU because we SHOULD'VE beaten these phony clowns, whereas I think MSU would do mean things to us.

4) Wisconsin, 8-2 (5-1). Why, YES, I AM aware that we are a fumble on the goal line away from being a top 10 team in the nation. And THAT is hilarious! Ha ha ha ha ha ha this is me laughing due to insanity. I like to laugh in italics.

5) Michigan, 8-2 (5-1). I'm assuming a new identity:

BEANDON FIFKIN, AT YOUR SERVICE. You know, the weird part about this was as I was watching the woman at Nordstrom's struggle to use a touchscreen with 3" nails, I thought, "Gee, that looks hard!" Turns out... I was right. It WAS hard.

PS - I literally died when I saw 'Beandon Fifkin' on the receipt. I'm still laughing now as I look at it. Like, I get Fifkin. Well, I don't, but I do. All bets are off on last names. But Beandon? Just a one way ticket to giggletown for me.

PPS - God I love that emoji. Where was he on my new emoji power rankings? Not high enough. Is it weird that emojis have fingers but not eyeballs?

PPPS - Not sure why, but this talk about emojis missing body parts sent me straight to this:

That episode is absolutely incredible. I'm STILL waiting for the hero we need to make one YouTube video that has all of the cold opens in sequential order. Would be the best video of all-time.

6) Northwestern, 8-2 (4-2). Couple of top 25 teams battling on a Saturday afternoon in Madison with potential snow? That sounds pretty wonderful.

7) Penn State, 7-3 (4-2). Still upset about their attempt to fat kicker one-up us.

8) Minnesota, 4-6 (1-5). It's not fair that I'm worried about the axe battle this year. These guys are not good at all. But you know it's Super Bowl Saturday in Minnesota come the 28th. That's their bowl game. Or their Super Bowl, the analogy I just used one sentence ago.

9) Illinois, 5-5 (2-4). I just love everything about the UWPD Twitter account:

Everything about that is fantastic.

10) Purdue, 2-8 (1-5). Gonna SHOCK THE WORLD?

Rutgers) Rutgers, 3-7 (1-6). Not sure why ESPN has a 'B1G Week 11 bowl projections' article linked on the Rutgers team page. That makes little-to-no sense.

12) Nebraska, 5-6 (3-4). You lost to Purdue. People don't forget.

13) Indiana, 4-6 (0-6). Is Indiana going to be the best 0-8 team in B1G history? Something to shoot for.

PS - A friend sent me a link to an article about Crean, and this part absolutely slay me:

I don't care what that professor teaches, I want to take all of their classes.

14) Maryland, 2-8 (0-6). Their hoops team better show out this year, because football has bottomed out, and hoops can't maintain the recruiting/returning core they have this year. No pressure.


I had no idea new ELO was in the cards. Really enjoyed the album, mainly because it just sounds like normal ELO. More of the same IS a good thing if the the old was awesome. Also, Jeff Lynne is potentially the most talented musician in the game. And has been for a long time. Dude's got skills in all directions.


Dokter Z:

Will Arby's continue their meteoric rise, or will they run into the growing pains that similar-sized chains have encountered?

If you ever wanted proof that the majority of this country is filled with idiots, here you go. Arby's is TRASH. If you want upscale 'fast' food, why wouldn't you go to... an upscale fast food spot? There are so many casual BBQ spots you can find in any decent city to get REAL brisket. Why go to Arby's, with their weird beef and overrated curly fries.

Yeah, I said it: CURLY FRIES SUCK. They all taste the same, and that taste isn't good enough to justify the fawning some people have. If there's a person out there that strictly uses bar soap and eats curly fries, then let's just assume we hate each other and move on.

PS - How Wendy's isn't DOMINATING the fast food landscape with this deal is a shocker to me:

That might be the best deal in the fast food game. I'll just take 2 of these and be on my way. I basically order the nugget meal and a JBC as is. Now I can just get it ALL.

PPS - Currently realizing how long it's been since I've had Wendy's. Admittedly, that's a good thing. But at the same time... it's a TERRIBLE thing. Wendy's is the shit.


How the hell did the hoops team lose to Western Illinois? Was a pit bull involved somehow?


Be honest, after watching wisconsin the last two years, it's going to be a little painful watching this team struggle right?

Let's just get all the hoops talk wrapped up into one: the Western Illinois game sucked. We did not play good defense - that much is known. But Western Illinois also played pretty damn well. They hit the shots they needed to hit. They made us work. At that's how you lose games you're not supposed to lose.

We're trotting out multiple freshmen for big minutes - there are going to be some swings. There are going to be some adorable possessions where freshmen are making forced passes to each other and rebounding each other's misses 3 times in one possession before committing and offensive foul. This is inevitable.

BUT. BUT. We are going to win a good number of games. I know it. You know it. Even with all the freshmen and even with Nigel re-tooling his shot in the offseason without the coaching staff knowing about it, we're going to win. Yes, we'll lose some of those head scratchers that frustrate the hell out of everyone. But this is going to be FUN. Enjoy a year without sky high expectations. Were the last two years amazing? OF COURSE! But let's enjoy being underdogs. Let's enjoy walking into someone else's gym and not expecting to win.

That's the mindset I'm taking. That's how I'm going to enjoy the hell out of this team.

And next year? The year after? When these kids have played together and lifted together and lived together for years? Well, we'll be right back to expecting to win every game. It takes time to get there. Learn to love the process.


My 9 year old daughter is scared to watch monster movies. Surprising because she loves the Jurassic Park series. Anyway, I've offered to pay her 20 bucks to watch the new Godzilla with me and she accepted. Is this good or bad parenting? Also, what future movies can drain my wallet? I'm thinking Aliens would be a good one.

If she loves Jurassic Park then she's one badass 9 year old. If she's able to discern that while not that great of a movie, Jurassic Park III is still an enjoyable watch? Then she's essentially a film connoisseur.

I'd toss her another 20 to see if she understands Prometheus because I still kinda need someone to explain that movie to me. Maybe your daughter is that person.


What song did you use to love that you can't believe you ever loved it?

I thought long and hard about this. I even busted out iTunes and went through my entire library from my pre-Spotify days (dark days). You know what? I listen to pretty awesome music! There wasn't much there that I legitimately liked before and don't like now. Some of it I liked ironically, like that Aqua 'Barbie Girl' song. Some of them were bangers then like they're bangers now (Mambo #5, Who Let The Dogs Out). Can I really sit here and pretend like I'm above those songs now? Does Lou Bega pull less trim these days? Will the Baha Men ever really know who let those dogs out? We all know the answers to these questions.

I stand my musical choices my entire life.

PS - OK fine, I'm honestly baffled that I convinced myself that this was a good song and that I should enjoy it:

I think I caught one of those late night infomercials for a Christian Rock album, and thought this one was kinda catchy. I won't lie to you and tell you my fascination ended there. I've listened to this song COUNTLESS times. Ignoring the YouTube action I gave it, here's where it sits in my iTunes most played list:

Sandwiched snugly betwixt Pearl Jam and that awesome Let's Fighting Love South Park song. What.

PPS - Let's also ignore the OneRepublic phase of Beandon's life. Beandon was confused.


Time to beat the nerds

And it would be a good win

We need more of those


A crowd of Canadians finishing the Star Spangled Banner when the singer's mic cuts out is pretty terrific. And they're such good neighbors, because other than belting OOOOOO CANNNNADAAAA I don't know a single part of their anthem. Thanks for making us look bad.

This is how you go after BIG AUTO when they sell you a lemon. You write a cheesy autotuned jam, make a bitching video, and let the internet take you up the chain. No doubt about it, this sold me:

MUFFLER SAX! Brilliant. So smart. Excellent form on that, too. Look how he uses his legs to create the low center of gravity to allow him to handle that alto-mufflosax.



Because sometimes you're hungover on a Sunday and you need buffalo tenders with cajun fries and sides of ranch/mango habanero sauce and a High Life bottle to fix everything. That's what two Sundays ago was for me, and it was splendid. Lucky's is known for those overrated sandwiches that are 90% bread/slaw/fries, but their wings/tenders are strong to quite strong. Plenty of sauces to work with, too. Highly recommend going outside the sandwich box there.

PS - If you DO go sandwich, you gotta go double meat to make it worthwhile. Otherwise you're just having a carb party.


Matt B sends in this beaut from up in Bellingham, WA. As with just about every pano ever, full size makes it 100x more impressive. I feel like I need to check out the Pacific Northwest sometime. Can I take helicopters to cool places like this so I don't have to hike there?


On the road to 10-2, taking Ugly Boulevard. Time to truck some nerds. THE PICK:

WISCONSIN 31, Northwestern 9




  1. Hey Brandon welcome to the 30-60 club! Rose Bowl!

  2. Hey Brandon welcome to the 30-60 club! Rose Bowl!

  3. Rich Mullins left us way, way too early.

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