Monday, October 10, 2011

Badger Preview: Bye Week Mailbag Part 2!

Part 2, LET'S go!

Sid K:

Everyone knows about Aaron Rodgers "championship belt" celebration, if the NCAA allowed touchdown celebrations what should Russell Wilson's be?

I think there's only one thing he could do that would top Rodgers' belt: After scoring a touchdown, Wilson would have to run towards Bucky.  Bucky would then roll out some blue paper while his little spirit squad puts plastic boats on it.  Bucky himself would take a step on it and immediately fall over/struggle.  Wilson then just calmly walks across it, doesn't smile, turns to the camera and mouths, 'Black Jesus.'

Yeah, just like that.  Those are waves, by the way.

Photoshop is on my other computer.

Ryan G:

Why is blue cheese the default dipping sauce for wings instead of ranch? Ranch kicks the shit out of blue cheese in every possible manner.

Why isn't there a 24-hour diner type restaurant on or around the Madison campus? Wouldn't this make billions?

Simple answer: Tradition.  Tradition is simultaneously the greatest and worst thing in the world.  You can use it to justify pretty much anything (to a certain degree).  So if you ask any elitist buffalo wing person, they'll tell you to NEVER bread a wing and to ONLY, under PENALTY OF FUCKING DEATH, use bleu cheese.  You know what?  Last I checked, 'bleu' is French, and the fuck if I want to be associated with French ANYTHING.  Oh yeah, I don't trust anything can be served in liquid or dingleberry form.  Fuck you bleu cheese, fuck you right in your beret.

I'm pretty sure there are no 24 hour diners in Madison because one of those aldermen or mayors decided that it would be a bad idea, therefore everyone must suffer.  Who doesn't love diners?  Kids love diners (placemats and crayons are the BEST.  I was top 10 nationally in restaurant word searches filled out with crayons).  Old people love diners.  Drunks love diners.  Stoners love diners.  Cops love diners.  Drunk cops LIVE for diners.  So the only logical explanation is that there's some stupid Madison ordinance not allowing establishments of a certain type to be open 24 hours.  I hate the law.


I was looking over your restaurant itinerary from the Nebraska weekend.  To recap: Quaker S&L, SMine, and AzKitch.  I'll be honest here - it feels like a missed opportunity.  I see no Jin's, Dotty's, Ian's, and what about the all time favorite Jimmy John's?  Was it because places were so packed?  I assume Jin's is still there, and even though you are the new Ian's bitch or whatever it's called, you still have to pay respect to the original.  Please explain your thought process.

I have a perfectly reasonable explanation for why I didn't go to those places you listed:
  • Jin's - apparently it's called JD's now?  And you know what they advertise on the side of their truck?  Polish sausages.  I'm sorry, but the day Jin's stopped being a plain white, broken down trailer that only made chicken and fish, Jin's stopped being an integral part of my life.  It's sad to think about, but I will NEVER eat another Jin's sandwich for the rest of my life.  Which may be a good thing.  We've got a lot of good memories and we had a lot of good times.  But everything that has a beginning has an end... Neo.
  • Dotty's - I LOVE Dotty's, but it's a sit down, no rush, peaceful adventure.  Every meal I eat in Madison when I'm visiting for the weekend is rapid fire, usually hammered, and on the go.  So while I was totally craving a Melting Pot, it just wasn't possible given the itinerary.
  • Ian's - I won't even begin to explain how many times I go to the Ian's in Wrigleyville.  It even has some of the same people from the one on Frances, so I feel like I'm still honest to my roots.
  • Jimmy John's - Get fucked.
And it's Customer of the Month, not Ian's Bitch.  Get it right or I'll have them ban your ass for life.

Katie G:

1. Why do some people always remember their dreams, and other rarely do? It seems that women are more likely to recall their dreams than men, why would this be?
2. What is the best cure for a hangover? I've heard people speak to various ones, but never found one to actually work, personally.
3. Who rules Chicago: pedestrians or cars?

1) I've actually kinda written about this before.  In short, I vividly remember my dreams when I pass out hammered drunk.  But if I get a wonderful, sober night of sleep?  I'll barely remember a thing.  Makes no sense, but I'm convinced someone needs to do their thesis on this.

HYPOTHESIS: Sleeping when you're blacked out makes you remember all sorts of awesome details from your dreams.

I have to think this would be an award winning paper.

Maybe the difference between men/women remembering dreams comes down to the subject matter?  For guys, 99% of dreams are about sex, sports, or both if you're really having a kickass dream.  I couldn't even BEGIN to tell you what girls dream about.  My mind is racing with a whole lot of questionable jokes that I'm better off keeping trapped up there.  Girls, feel free to chime in on what YOU dream about, especially if it's me.  I AM QUITE DREAMY.

2) DING DING DING.  We found someone who's not reading my Hot Glove articles: A Comprehensive Guide On How To Not Be A Hungover Bitch.  To save you the trouble of clicking on it, I'll recap:
  • Slam water before passing out
  • Slam water right after you wake up
  • Take a shower so hot that you think it might actually be melting your skin
  • Eat something greasy (I included a pic of bacon pancakes, which sound amazing)
  • Listen to Sugar Ray
  • Start drinking again
Boom, no more hangovers.

3) It's definitely not cars.  In fact, I'd say Chicago is ruled by anyone NOT driving a car.  Pedestrians, bikers, zombies, any of them take precedence over cars.  It's ridiculous.  DID YOU KNOW that bikers technically and legally have to follow the rules of the road, just like cars?*  That means anytime you see a biker just cruise through a stop sign, they broke the law.  I recommend you call 911, since they'll be in pretty bad shape after you ran them over.  Bikers are the WORST.

*This is actually one of those facts that I love to spout off, but I have ZERO confirmation that it's actually real.  But it sounds good and makes me feel better about being so bitter towards bikers.


Is it me or are the official rules for McDonald's Monopoly longer than the Declaration of Independence?

I guess without scale it's tough to tell, but that's a legit full-sized poster on the wall.


Do people actually sign up for those stupid "" or conpiters or whatever websites? Seriously, WTF?

What's the craziest thing about middle America?
-they sign up for those things?
-they love 2.5 men
I want to study middle america more.
Hmmm, still not entirely sure if conpiters is a fucking awful attempt at typing 'computers', or something crazy I just don't know about.

With the stuff, it's Middle America and high school kids.  I'm friends with a fair number of high school kids on Facebook (I didn't buy this windowless van for nothin'), and they absolutely LOVE clicking on those free iWhatever scam links.  So stupid.  It's the modern day version of the Bill Gates email, where if you forward it on, you get like $600,000.  Middle America is just dumb enough to think, 'Man, I know it's probably not true... BUT WHAT IF IT IS?'  That little shred of doubt is enough to make people do stupid things.

And yes, they love 2.5 men.  But they also love SURVIVOR.  Nothing appeals to Middle America more than everything on CBS.  All of those CSI/NCIS/STFU shows have Middle America written all over them.  I wish there was a history class about Middle America.  Maybe sociology would be more accurate, actually.  But either way I'd be all over it.  There's just so much to learn about such a large demographic. 

Lincoln Park
Writing this from my hotel suite in Madison

(He was obviously quite worried about me getting his location correct.)

Did I hear Russell Wilson is engaged? Talk about a buzzkill for all the ladies hangin at The KK for beer and shot night. What a waste of athletic talent. Is there anyone that could get more ass than him on the Wisconsin campus?

Black Jesus would be cleaning up like no person ever has at UW.  If I were a student, I'd probably be out there trying to get his number as well.  He's that likable.  But it's the least surprising thing ever that he's already engaged.  This is just a guy who doesn't fuck around, knows what he wants, and will work hard enough to get there.  He doesn't go out, doesn't party, and doesn't get in trouble.  And he's really, really BLESSED.  IDK if you knew that.  Find me one person that doesn't like him.  Find me an example of someone criticizing him.  You won't.  The only remote possibility is his fallout from N.C. State, but after all that he still talks glowingly of his time there.  Their coach fucked up and will get his ass fired for showing Wilson the door.  You've all watched him for 5 games now: Can you imagine not letting this kid come back to your team?  He's AMAZING.  I love it.  I wanna send Tom O'Brien a million dollars and a case of whiskey.

Adam K:

Is there anything in this world more egregious than being the first car in a left turn lane and failing to go when the green arrow comes up?  That should be a capital offense right?  The worst part is they always just make it through on the yellow, I have to sit and wait for the next arrow, and I get a late start on hunting them down and running their car off the road.  That last part was more of a comment.

Not that this has happened to anyone who reads these, but I'd say the only thing worse is when you're first in line in a whited-out ricer and you start turning left only to smash into an oncoming car because you didn't actually have a green arrow.  That would definitely suck.  A lot.

But you have a point.  Turning left in busy intersections is a situation that DEMANDS courtesy and etiquette.  There's only a finite number of cars that can get through the green arrow/go on yellow if there is no arrow.  Therefore, if you're first, you have to be AGGRESSIVE.  I'm talking asshole Chicago cab driver aggressive.  Because no one wants to wait for the next set of lights.  Especially if you get caught trying to turn left at one of those atrocious 6 way intersections (screw you Fullerton/Lincoln/Halsted).

I'll be honest, I've tracked cars down before just to kinda size them up and give 'em a stink eye if they did something offensive to me.  But then I always remember that there are nutjobs like my uncle out there that always carry an aluminum baseball bat in their backseat just in case anyone gives them attitude.  I don't think getting my face bashed in with a Louisville Slugger (do they make aluminum bats?) is worth telling someone that they should use turn signals when they switch lanes.

WHY THE FUCK DON'T PEOPLE USE TURN SIGNALS WHEN THEY SWITCH LANES?  Turn signals would prevent 103% of all traffic accidents.  It's remarkable how simple and effective using them can be.  I'm guessing Cool Camel Joe (I think I'm mixing 6 different things together with that name) at some point told people that turn signals weren't cool, and if they didn't start smoking cigarettes no one would love them.  Ugh.

Danya S:

I noticed you didn't mention that bbq steak and fries is awesome at Ian's. Please remedy. Unless you have a problem with it, in which case, ... how could you?
Follow-Up: Any ideas for new flavors at Ian's Pizza? I'm thinking something with truffle oil (have you had that shit on pizza? Crisp on Brady in Milwaukee makes it AMAZING).

I don't necessarily have a problem with steak and fries, it's just that unless the pizza is fresh out of the oven (and I don't mean on the reheat, I mean fresh after the first cooking), it can get a little 'meh'.  I'm also not a huge BBQ sauce guy.  But every once in a while I'll be in Ian's and just be like, 'Ya know, I think tonight's a steak and fries kinda night!'  Plus, french fries reheat pretty poorly, even if you go toaster oven for all reheats like I do.

I don't know if it counts as a new flavor, but I recently realized that I can just tell them to add bacon to pretty much any slice I want.  So it's difficult to imagine myself ever eating another piece of Mac & Cheese WITHOUT adding bacon to it.  Ryan G. up above suggested putting pepperoni on a slice of M&C, and that's definitely on my list of slices to try.  Otherwise, maybe it's just me, but doesn't there seem to be a lack of pieces with onion on them?  I'm a big onion fan - I could totally dig some Mac & Cheese with bacon and caramelized onion.  Doesn't that sound awesome?  Yeah, yeah it does.

UPDATE: I tried Mac & Cheese with pepperoni - quite delicious.  Not at the same level as the M&C w/ bacon, but it's up there.  I also marveled at my COTM plaque on the wall for a good 15 minutes:

I'm their favorite pizza slut.  Highest compliment I've gotten since someone told me they stayed on the toilet to finish reading one of my THG posts.  Damn near cried when I heard that.


How much is a national championship worth to a fan?

I'm asking you to tackle this question from a completely literal sense: how much money do you think a Wisco fan would pay for a Badger national title? In this scenario, let's say that if you pay, Wisco 100% will win the title. If you don't pay, they 100% won't.

Something about this question just doesn't work for me.  Maybe it's knowing the fact that if we DO make it to the National Championship game (I just knocked on wood so hard my knuckles are bleeding), I'm gonna be dropping serious cash WITHOUT knowing the result of the game.  I mean, that's the true mark of a fan, right?  Willing to spend more money than you have just for the mere possibility of witnessing something that you'll take to your grave?  YOUR FUCKING GRAVE.*  So I'm not sure I can really answer the question the way you have it phrased.  Just know this: I am not a rich man.  But if we're playing in New Orleans in January, I'll be there.  I fully expect to pay out the ass for airfare, a hotel and a game ticket.  And I'm OK with that.  Because when something that special comes along, you don't fuck around cry about how much it costs.  You just do it.

*Herb Brooks was the man and I refuse to believe otherwise.

Adam W-O:

Let's say hypothetically Russell Wilson had a twitter account that was named @ShitBlackJesusSays. On this account, instead of the humble, team first guy that he currently is, he would be a cocky, drunken, s.o.b. that had no filter and said whatever came to mind. (Essentially we are combining the athletic ability of Russell Wilson with the personality of Matt Groth.) What kind of crazy shit would he say during games after scrambling for td's and sidestepping hicks like Jared Crick?

I'm always intrigued when I meet someone with a hyphenated name.

Oh, your question. This account already kinda exists: @RussellWilsonUW.  After hearing Black Jesus speak, it would just blow my mind to hear him talk shit at all.  The kid is the most humble, down to earth, blessed individual in sports history - at any level.  You simply CANNOT get him to say something inflammatory, controversial, selfish or negative.  So I know it kinda dodges the question, but I don't think this is possible.  I think you would literally have to hold a gun to his head to get him to talk trash, and even then, he might just pray and accept it.  I've said it before and I'll say it again: It's really sad that we only get to bask in his glory for one year.

Jesse A:

What ever happened to the fat black kid in Hook?  All I know is he had what it takes to make it in Hollywood, and he is the only lost boy who believed Robin Williams was actually Peter Pan. Also he managed to be fat as shit from eating imaginary food. Not bad for a brother from Neverland.

Oh motherfucker.  Pockets is 2 years older than me?  How old am I?  But good news!  Pockets (real name: Isaiah Robinson) lives in Chicago!  He goes to Columbia College and is studying theatre (always -re for theatre) or some crap like that.  Even BETTER news: He was in a movie, or a play, or some kind of production, in 2005:

Just put it on my Netflix queue.

PS - Great .gif or best .gif?

No joke, there's a wordpress blog called The Fat Kid From Hook: i think he is a good guy.  Can't make this stuff up.

PPS - I just said 'thudbutt' out loud and started laughing, had to look around to make sure no one was still here.

Thanks again for all the questions.  Indiana preview coming Thursday.  SPOILER: I think we're gonna win.  Until then...


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