Thursday, October 6, 2011

Badger Preview: Bye Week Mailbag Part 1!

DISCLAIMER: Well, this certainly got out of hand quickly.  Because you're all so awesome and sent in so many questions, I'm gonna split this bad boy in half - part 1 tonight, part 2 on Monday.  I SHALL CURE YOUR CASE OF THE MONDAYS.

Chris H:

Question on Amanda Knox. I have not been following her story or the trial, all I know is that she and her ex boyfriend were accused of killing her roommate in Italy. But from seeing pictures, she actually seems good looking, am I out of my mind? What is she on a scale of 1 to 10 in your opinion (10 being hot)? And an even more odd question, would you ever date someone accused of murder?

Before we even get to her physical appearance, I have to get something off my chest: All of you people who tweet/talk/whatever about these 'celebrity' trials are idiots.  You somehow think you're qualified to weigh in on a complicated murder trial because you read a few articles on CNN.  Who was that woman that was accused of killing her kid or whatever?  Casey Anthony?  Yeah, that trick.  Apparently, the judge, jury and lawyers in that trial were clueless.  Yet, the account execs, analysts, unemployed bums, and undergrad students in my Twitter timeline had that case CRACKED.  Drives me crazy.

But more importantly, is Knox hot?  TOTALLY:

But she's also got the mean streak possible murderer look down:

I think she's a solid 7, but in that top pic she shows she definitely capable of an 8.  And is it weird that I'm kinda turned on by the fact that she was accused of murder?  If you really think about it, she beat it.  So she's either completely innocent or a total genius.  Either way, HOT.  I wouldn't date her, because that's just fucking crazy talk.  But I have to think that being the first guy to bang her since her return to the States is one of the coolest sexual accomplishments in modern American history.  And just in case you're still doubting if she's hot, just know that Hayden Panettiere is playing her in an upcoming movie.  Love me some Hayden.

PS - "What is she on a scale of 1 to 10 in your opinion (10 being hot)?"  When has 10 ever meant anything else?  I guess this could have been a scale of how much of a murderer she is, with 10 being a complete and total murderer.  In which case, thanks for clarifying.

Jessica S:

When is big reds going to make your food list for Madison??? Philly Fries/wiz wit??

Hands down best drunk food ever. I never eat it sober but I think it’s good then too.

OK, I don't wanna spoil the rest of my list (especially since some of my friends have a wager going about the remaining spots), but I'll tell you this right now: I fucked up.  Big Red's 100% should be on my list somewhere, but I completely forgot to include it.  It showed up late in the game when I was a student and it's AMAZING.  I always got the exact same thing: buffalo chicken and fries.  Messy as hell, but absurdly delicious.  I'm not sure I ever ate it without being under the influence of something, but I was always satisfied.  And it was a LOT of food.  I wish I hit it up last weekend.  Oh well.

Blair V:

What are your feelings on meatloaf? Not like from a cafeteria, but homemade with a side of mashed potatoes.
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

I don't think I've ever actually eaten meatloaf.  Is that weird?  It just doesn't sound very appetizing to me.  I also don't dig on ketchup, so if that's part of the equation here, then you can just count me out immediately.  I'd rather eat a burger, or meatballs, or anything else you can make with ground beef other than a loaf of it.  Mashed potatoes are great, and apparently you can use them as an 'icing' for the meatloaf, which somehow sounds even more terrible than regular meatloaf.  I think I might be alone in this, and I'm perfectly OK being the president of the 'Meatloaf Sounds Horribly Disgusting' club.

I think this is the 3rd or 4th mailbag we've done here, and you know what?  I get the Tootsie Pop question EVERY time.  That owl from the commercials really pisses me off.  I don't know if owl hunting is a thing, but if it were, I'd have my license and be out in my blind hunting owls every season just because of those annoying commercials.

Rachel S:

i'm in law school in the middle of nowhere, virginia, and could not- on my BEST day- afford a ticket to madison/the game. i sat in my house, alone, in my badger gear, screamed at the tv, refused to sit down outside of halftime, and texted friends at the game during commercials. my question for the mailbag is a request for a literal play by play of that experience for a fan witnessing it live.

best moment of the game, perhaps?

Gotta love the dedication, although I'm not really sure what people do in Virginia other than... actually, I literally have no clue what people do in Virginia.  I can't even think of any stereotypes.  If you were in WEST Virginia, I was ready to bring the heat.  Virginia is just like the Delaware of the Virginias, which either makes no sense or perfect sense.  Virginia is also totally a combination of the words 'virgin' and 'vagina', and I'm not sure how it took me so long to reach that conclusion.

A literal play-by-play is kinda tricky due to the fact that I was quite drunk during the game.  But I can safely tell you that the following things happened:
  • The entire stadium was full by kickoff, which is great to see and makes us look good on TV.
  • After every touchdown, I kept the 'arms up signaling touchdown' pose for a good 20 seconds before the standard round of high fives.
  • Our band has the most BORING halftime shows in the world.
  • I was so wrapped up in the game that I never even considered getting my go-to Camp Randall hot dog/coke combo.
  • Jump Around was as intense as ever
  • Buttercup was fantastic, and during the 4th quarter, which is a great time for it when you're winning comfortably.
  • The wave was also during the 4th quarter.  Waves in general are terrible, but few things look cooler than the slow motion wave at Camp Randall.  I have no idea how an opposing fan can sit in the stadium, see that, and not be fucking impressed.
  • No one left early...
  • Except for the Nebraska fans

Where you goin'?  FUCKIN' NOWHERE

Tough to pick a best moment there.  Such a blast.  Somehow, more fun than the OSU game last year.  This team is special, and I'm just trying to enjoy the ride.

PS - Might I suggest finding the 'shift' key before you start drafting up memos and wills and all that other lawyer stuff you're gonna have to do?

Ron S:

Will the presence of black Jesus create more opportunities for wisc to recruit better qb talent in the future?

And part 2 of the Father/Daughter portion of the mailbag!  Seriously, Rachel forwarded these to her dad and he enjoys them enough to ask to be put on the list.  You see what I'm talking about when I ask people to spread the love?  This is hands down the best referral of the season.

Anyway, Black Jesus' dominance HAS to help Wisco recruiting efforts.  There were a TON of big time recruits (football and hoops) at the Nebraska game - and here's where I'm confused.  How do you watch that and NOT want to play at Wisconsin?  Taking that a little further, I watched a replay of the game this week so I could soberly appreciate what happened, and I was appalled by Bo Pelini's behavior.  If you're a 17 year old football recruit watching that game with your parents, and you see Pelini just laying into every kid that makes a mistake, would you really wanna play there?  On the other sideline you see Bielema looking all hot and awesome, smiling, encouraging his kids, and smashing Nebraska's dick off.

I. Just. Don't. Get. It.

It's worth noting that UW has a commitment from one of the top QB's in the country.  The kid's name is Bart Houston (which is such a quarterback name it's ridiculous), and he comes from one of the top 5 high school football programs in the COUNTRY.  This kid is a perfect fit for Chryst's pro-style offense, and I can only hope that more studs will follow.  We're already in the process of completing one of UW's best recruiting classes ever (using the stupid Scout/Rivals 'stars' system).  All of the national press and attention will only help with recruiting.

Dingo B:

Now that KK has been renovated and is not sketch anymore, are you going to take back all the terrible things you said about that fine establishment? Do you have a new whipping boy amongst the late night Madison watering holes?

No.  KK, despite its renovation, is still a dungeon filled with jersey chasers and creepers.  While I may kinda be a jersey chaser, I'm not a total jersey chaser.  Plus, if you're not in the place at like 3 pm, you can reasonably expect to wait in line for years.  That's bullshit and not a game I enjoy playing.  I had stupid amounts of fun at Wando's last weekend, and I miraculously did not have to wait in line there.  There are so many places to go in Madison, why everyone is obsessed with that dump... well, I just don't get it.


Question: What is your telltale sign when you wake up that you had a sloppy night? Mine used to be when I would wake up and have orange hands from eating Palmeni without a fork.

Suck it.

You're such a bad person.

But there are plenty of ways to tell that you were something awful the night before:
  • Not being able to find your phone.  For me, I ALWAYS plug my phone in and put it on the ottoman next to my bed.  When I pass out completely hammered, however, my phone is nowhere to be found.  80% of the time it's under my body somewhere buried in my bed (terrifying).  10% of the time it's in my jeans.  The other 10% of the time, all bets are off and I have a minor panic attack before figuring out where it is.
  • Any leftover food.  When I'm drunk and I get late night food, I demolish it.  When I'm PLASTERED and I get late night food, I'll often be too messed up to finish eating it or I'll just somehow forget to eat it.  If I wake up with a slice of Ian's in the fridge, I know I had a hell of a night.
  • Socks are still in my shoes.  This is deceptively simple, but a 100% sign of a bender.  Drunkenly taking shoes off is a dangerous game as-is, so if I couldn't even get my feet out without my socks being half stuck in my shoes, I know I was struggling before collapsing face first into my bed.
  • A full cup of water on the floor next to my bed.  I always try to slam a few cups of water before going to bed when I'm drunk, so if I couldn't even get a sip in before sleeping, well, I know I was in bad shape.  I accumulate red plastic cups of water next to my bed in ways no one should.  I suppose water is much better than actual food/drink though.
  • The text message/bank account/picture review.  Text messages you don't remember?  $100 ATM withdrawals at 3 am?  Picture of a dick someone drew in the snow on the back of the car?  Wait, I drew that dick.  I LOVE DRAWING DICKS ON CARS IN THE SNOW.  And I like to think that mine are unique.  Maybe this is a guy thing (I don't think it is, but most girls just won't admit it), but everyone draws dicks differently.  Mine actually make very little sense but I think they're hilarious.  Fuck it, here's how I draw dicks on cars in the snow:


Before winning the Ian's October Customer of the Month what was the last thing you won? I won a pie eating contest this summer and realized I hadn't won anything since I beat this big tittie girl (seriously huge) for National Honor Society Tresurer Junior year of high school.  The amount of things to "win" severely dwindles as you get older so you have to really appreciate whatever you can get now.

This right here:

The amount of things to "win" severely dwindles as you get older so you have to really appreciate whatever you can get now.

God that's depressing.  I don't even wanna keep writing this anymore.  But it's also completely true.  Anyone could somehow win a student council position, but what's the adult equivalent?  Village president?  Parent-Teacher Organization President?  United States President?  Those are all so hard to win and have so much work involved.  At this stage in your life, I don't know what else you shoot for.  I guess customer of the month at a pizza restaurant.  I just peaked.  It's not like you're gonna win the lottery or anything really cool like that.  Ugh.  This sucks.

I also spent considerable time this week on the phone with Chase, ComEd and my landlords.  I HATE talking on the phone, and I especially hate dealing with customer service menus.  The ComEd one is the worst because they have those parts where you have to speak your choices out loud instead of just oprimando el numero dos por espanol.  Despite the fact that I'm on the phone, I feel very uneasy saying, 'Continue' when I know I'm not actually talking to a person.  Just freaks me out.  So yeah, getting old is terrible and easily the worst thing about being a human.

The last thing I won?  Not counting fantasy leagues, it's gotta be this:

Yup.  I beat out a bunch of old people in Pop-a-Shot at Chuck E. Cheese's for my boss' wife's bridal shower.  Which was strange, because she had a bridal shower at Chuck E. Cheese's.  But I guess not that strange considering I've seen a woman birth a child at Chuck E. Cheese's before.  Magic happens at Chuck E. Cheese's.

Jake S:

How many average sized men would it take to beat up one of UW's linemen?

We have been discussing this for a while and for the record, Josh Oglesby once told us that he didn't think he could beat any of us in a fight, citing the fact that jews are very resilient people.

I'm a big fan of these scenarios.  Like when we debated if a human being could win in a fight with a deer (I would kill the shit out of a deer so hard).  Anyway, my answer might surprise, but I think you could take down an offensive lineman with 3 people for sure, and maybe 2.  Here's the reasoning:
  • They're huge, no doubt.  But don't mistake weight room strength for actual fighting ability.
  • I'm pretty sure their heads and junk are just as vulnerable as yours and mine.
  • A sound strategy with multiple people should be IMPOSSIBLE for a person with no formal fighting ability to defend.
The last part is key.  Let's use the Ninja Turtles (TMNT from here on out) as an example.  Somehow, the TMNT always found themselves in a warehouse at a pier surrounded by the Foot.  In theory, 200 Foot soldiers should be able to take down 4 turtles.  But the Turtles won EVERY TIME.  Why?  Because the Foot fought like idiots!  They would just go one at a time, get smashed, and next thing you know Shredder is summoning Bebop and Rocksteady to try and finish the TMNT off.  So stupid.  What if ALL the Foot just went full assault on the turtles at once?  I know they're fucking ninjas (and turtles), but there's no way they could block/attack 7 Foot each at the same time.

Bringing that back to 2 dudes against a UW offensive lineman, all you would need to do is get one guy in front of him and one behind.  And then, AT THE SAME DAMN TIME, you need to attack.  Go straight for the groin since punching a 6'5" guy in the head ain't easy.  Fuck fighting dirty, it's kill or be killed and I ain't being killed.  Yes, one of you is probably gonna take a shot while the other runs free, but assuming that guy connects with the junk, all you have to do then is pummel the head with feet and fists until the offensive lineman is spitting up teeth.  Gross.

PS - I'm glad you mentioned Oglesby.  About 4 years ago, I saw a quote from him that I thought was just ridiculous:

I have a bet with my friends that we're gonna win 2 Big Ten Titles and a National Championship by the time I'm done at Wisconsin.

Seriously, who is this kid?  Before he even steps foot on campus he's predicting multiple league titles AND a national title?  That's insane.

PPS - If we win the national title this year, he's the smartest motherfucker in the world.

Well, that'll do it.  Enjoy your weekend and stay tuned for part 2 on Monday!


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