Thursday, October 25, 2012

Michigan State


That's right. This weekend we're really digging deep into the hate bucket because I can't STAND Michigan State. Filthy school, ugly colors, terrible people, stupid city, worst state ever, Izzo... the list goes on and on. There's absolutely nothing redeeming about Michigan State University. And last year they jumped from a 7 to a 14 on the We Need To Burn This School To The Ground Scale with that Hail M*ry BS I had to witness in person. I've seen Sweet 16 losses in person. I've seen Rose Bowl losses in person. I've seen Cubs playoff game losses in person. None of those even compared to that game in East Lansing a year ago.

The worst part? Beating them in the B1G Championship somehow didn't even come close to healing those wounds. Sure, I had fun celebrating that night, and getting another trip to Pasadena in January is always nice. But that was our fucking shot. We win that game, and there's simply no way we come out like we did against OSU (CHEATING WASTELAND) the following week. What if we're undefeated heading into Indy? Holy shit, I get a little lightheaded just thinking about it. Why am I even doing this to myself?

I'm not sure Bielema can play the 'revenge' card considering we beat them to win the B1G, but you gotta think the guys who traveled to East Lansing a year ago are still bitter - especially the defense. I hope so. I hope they come out pissed off and beat the crap out of the Spartans.

Two words. One tag.


[Felt really good to get that all out.]

CHICAGO BADGERS: What's the deal, are we supposed to wear our Halloween costumes to Will's? Usually when Halloween weekend rolls around, I'm all about putting my costume on Friday night and not taking it off until Sunday. But that's a lot easier when you're a filthy lemur like I was a few years ago. This year, my costume requires far too much effort to rock for 48 straight hours. So F it. I'm wearing Badger gear Saturday to Will's. And I SWEAR I'm gonna win the raffle this time. I really feel it in my bones. DOG LEASH. RAFFLE WINNER. LOCK. IT. UP.




Yup, still having fun with that tag.

  • Gary Starkweather, invented the laser printer. What an underrated invention. Yeah, no one really prints anything anymore (I haven't owned a printer in 10 years I think), but laser printers totally changed the game. I have to give my dad credit, because he was ALL OVER the laser printer movement. Our trusty HP LaserJet was extremely badass - I'd always be frustrated printing at someone else's house or even at school. Not to mention, it's a fucking LASER printer. Anything and everything is cooler when lasers are involved. Except when people are shooting laser pointers in your eye, because that's the scariest thing in the world and I don't want my cornea to explode.
  • Tom Sizemore, actor. AKA Mike Horvath in Saving Private Ryan. I'm convinced that we won the war mainly because of guys like Sergeant Mike Horvath. The man was a bastion of confidence. Whatever Tom Hanks needed, Horvath delivered. I think at one point he was getting shot in the ass while shooting a rocket launcher at a tank and he didn't even notice. Such a boss.
  • Jim Delligatti, creator of the Big Mac. This may surprise you, but I'm not crazy about the Big Mac. It's just never been an integral part of my McD's routine. Maybe it's because Signore Delligatti here decided that his ideal burger needs more bread, which is just a foolish idea. If there's one thing we've learned recently, it's that bread is BAD for you. That doesn't mean you'll catch me wrapping my burgers in lettuce like a freak anytime soon, but I certainly will not go out of my way to add more bread to my burger experience. I take back all the negative things I just said about Jimmy if he invented the Big Mac sauce, because that shit is straight fire and I get it on anything I order from Mickey D's.
  • Chris Hansen, Dateline NBC correspondent. #TCAP #TCAP #TCAP. Loveeee me some TCAP. Well, I used to watch it in college. I think I'm a little uncomfortable watching it now. But no one could have handled such a difficult role as well as Chris Hansen did. And now, I get to link you to the single GREATEST TCAP scene of all-time. OF ALL-TIME. BEHOLD... SpecialGuy29...

    • Total shocker that he was actually unemployed.
    • 'So you just woke up this morning, and said "I'm going to get involved in an internet conversation with a 14 year old boy, I'm going to go to his house, strip naked, and walk in with a 12 pack of beer. This is just something you thunk up today?"' - Perfect delivery, bonus points for 'thunk'.
    • Even though I don't creep on little boys, I'm pretty sure Chris Hansen reading back my gchats to me would make me feel AWFUL.
    • I won't say I feel bad for SpecialGuy29, but it's kinda a bullshit move when Hansen says he's free to leave. What he actually means is, he's free to take 2 steps out the front door and get tackled by the Fort Lauderdale Internet Predator Hunting Task Force. I'm just assuming this is in Florida because SpecialGuy29 doesn't appear to be high on meth, and that immediately rules out Ohio.

BUT WAIT. THERE'S MORE. The next day they find SpecialGuy29 right back in the chat rooms! You gotta watch:

  • The decoy is a frightening, large man. Classic Perverted Justice Veteran.
  • 'I have been in television... for 24 years. And I have very seldom been at a loss for words. But I don't even know what to ask you first!' KILLIN' IT, HANSEN.
  • 'Sir, I was just tryin' to get somethin' to eat!' - I'd be lying if I told you this didn't become a catchphrase Sophomore year.
  • This is award-winning cinematography:

My kids will never be allowed to use computers. The internet is a horrifying fucking place.



4) Beer and Shot at the KK

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH. We all know my feelings on the KK. It's a shitshow to get in, it's littered with jersey chasers, and it's much more dungeon than bar. But I will 100% give them credit for this: Beer and Shot night is a genius promotion. I think I have them to thank (or blame) for not minding chasing a shot with Miller Lite. It's one of those things that used to repulse me because I sucked at drinking and demanded an ideal chaser. But once you start chasing liquor with beer, you know you've reached true PROFESSIONAL DRINKER status. And all the KK is doing is promoting that. So, kudos for that.

Speaking of the KK, we're about 3 weeks away from the OSU game and I'm already dreading that moment when all of my friends are like 'OMGZ WE SHOULD GO TO THE KK I BET IT WILL BE VERY FUN TONIGHT'. I know playing the birthday card won't work, so I've started mentally preparing to either wait in line for 9 hours or throw money down the drain bribing the bouncer. It's a hard truth I accepted long ago: I don't have a nice enough rack or run a fast enough 40 to just breeze past the line and walk in. There should be FEMALE bouncers at bars to give guys an equal shot at flirting their way in. I'm not saying that'd work for me (unless explaining that I write a FRESH blog about Badger sports really turns girls on), but I think we at least deserve an equal opportunity. It's 2012. Let's end the sexist double standards that are preventing me from getting a shred of joy out of the KK.


5) Rumplemintz During Flip Night at State Street Brats
6) One and Done from the Blue Velvet
7) Literally Anything from Monday's
8) Das Boot at Essen Haus
9) I Think It's A Long Island, But Whatever Comes In The Mason Jar at Red Shed
10) Orange Halloween Wop
11) Three Story Beer Bongs On Dayton Street
12) Mountain Creek Power Hour

Honorable Mentions: Birthday Mug at the Nitty Gritty, World's Biggest Mixed Drinks at Quaker Steak & Lube, Old Fashioned at the Old Fashioned


Sweating in the Morning vs. Freezing at Night

The ULTIMATE Fall dilemma. Do you rock a coat and sweat your face off on the way to work in the morning knowing that you'll be nice and warm on the way home? Or do you man up and roll with the short sleeves? I've struggled with this decision for years now and I'm not really sure I have an answer. Some days I'm just like FUCK IT and I leave the coat at home because I'm def not gonna carry it, so it's either wear it or leave it. But then OTHER days I'll check the weather and see that it's gonna be 42 degrees at 6 pm and I think I NEED that coat.

Don't forget about the wildcard that is the LONG SLEEVE POLO. I don't have a lot of them, so I reserve them for the real inbetweener days. Sleeves rolled up in the AM, down the PM. It's the safe play, but it's not available every day.

I think if I had to lean one way, it'd be short sleeves and manning up. I despise sweating balls on the train - it's much more fun to see OTHER guys sweating through dress shirts and stealthily taking pictures of them. Not that I've ever done that before. Nope. I swear. Never done it before.

Jesus Christ. Did someone pour a bucket of sweat on him? We need those splatter pattern experts from Law and Order to analyze this IMMEDIATELY.


The Killers - I Can't Stay

I don't like the new Killers album. I DO like this song off Day & Age. They're very high up on my list of bands I need to see live. But I'm not a fan of concerts at arenas like the United Center, so that could be pretty difficult.

Phantom Planet - Lonely Day

My friend at work asked me why all of my music is so depressing. Initially I was insulted, because fuck you your face is depressing. And then I started shuffling through my library and EVERY SONG IS SO DAMN DEPRESSING. There's no way I'm the only person like this - my library spans all sorts of genres and decades. Taking recommendations for more upbeat music if you've got them.

Japandroids - The House That Heaven Built

This seems like one of those songs where the drummer tosses his sticks after because his fucking arms are on FIRE. I'd group this in with Everlong in that sense. NOTE: Not a drummer.


Non-division game


Don't forget: #HATESTATE


All Farley, all day.


One of my favorite songs - Lunch Lady Land. WARNING: Non-YouTube video. Always scary. Click with guarded confidence.


This is a tribute set to the music of the Robin Hood movie where you see Kevin Costner's butt.

PS - Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, tops the 'Matt Foley adjusting the belt under the gut' move. Slays me.



Roasted red pepper hummus and chicken pesto pasta from the Iguana Café. The pic may not do it much justice, but I can tell you with great certainty that this is some of the best pasta I've ever had. How much of that is due to the ENORMOUS portion they give you? Unclear. But the pesto is fantastic, there's a lot of chicken, and the price is more than reasonable. Not too far from the Loop if you work downtown. ADDED BONUS:


Just around the corner from Iguana is one very well-stocked thrift store. I haven't stepped foot in one of these since high school, so you can imagine my excitement a few weeks ago when I decided to do some impulse t-shirt shopping. The best part about buying shirts at the Goodwills and Value Villages of the world is that if you're even REMOTELY on the fence, you are going to buy the shirt. It's NINETY NINE CENTS. How can you pass that up? You can imagine I was pretty happy to see this guy just hanging out:

But by far my favorite one...


PS - I went back yesterday to get a shirt for my Halloween costume* and I noticed that it was marked down from 99 cents to 96 cents. What's that discount for? I'm assuming something very, very terrible happened to the person who was wearing the shirt before it was turned in. #MURDERSHIRT

*Because I'm sure you're wondering: I'm gonna go around with a Polaroid camera, take pictures, and attach them to my shirt. Boom, I'm Instagram. YOUR MOVE, HIPSTERS.


Came home from Will's (and Dimo's, guilty) last Saturday somewhere between a very dark brown and complete blackout and realized there was a badass sunset going down. Sprinted up to the third floor balcony and worked my pano magic. Clarity and a touch of Vibrant give you this. Lovely.


On the patio at Big Star with short shorts, two-tone boat shoes AND a plain yellow skateboard? WHY. All that's missing is him rolling his own cigarette and buzzing the right side of his head.

PS - Adding one of the terrible borders Camera+ has really brings out the hipster in his eyes.

(Thank you CoopaTroopa for the pic)


Not losing this game. Not at home. Not during Homecoming. Not Halloween weekend. NOT AGAINST MSU. THE PICK:




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