I'm doing you all a favor this week. Months ago, I was fully set on heading to West Lafayette to go to this game. I've never been to Purdue, and based on the division race, this game could have been pretty damn important. But then we kinda started sucking at football, and I realized that we seem to lose pretty much every single road game I go to. So no road trip for me this weekend. No business trip to the game and right back. I'm staying put in Chicago and not chancing it, because this IS a big game. Any chance of somehow kinda-maybe-sorta 'winning' this division hinges on winning this week against the Boilermakers. I refuse to be the one who fucks that up.
(Am I allowed to claim that I'm not superstitious if I really believe in stuff like this? DISCLAIMERS: I'm all about not moving from my seat/spot if we're doing well. If I turn the game off and we make a run I don't turn it back on. I stopped watching hoops games last year when we started winning and didn't resume watching them until we lost. All of this is perfectly normal, right? I feel like I'm not doing anything out of the ordinary here. The way I look at it, either these things ACTUALLY MATTER and I'm just doing my part, or they don't but WHY RISK IT?)
CHICAGO BADGERS: I just got an email about this awesome bar called Will's. It's supposed to be a pretty legit Badger bar with giant beers and cheese curds forever and a halftime raffle that I'm definitely totally winning this week. I think we should check it out. Might be good times.
WEATHER: 60'S, MAYBE RAIN, MAYBE NOT, MAYBE FUCK YOURSELF
WHY DO ASTRONAUTS LOVE GOING TO PURDUE?
It's a connection I've never really understood. Purdue has produced TWENTY TWO astronauts, including Neil Armstrong (first dude to walk on the Moon) and Eugene Cernan (last dude to walk on the Moon). Am I the only person greatly offended by this? Are we prepared to let Purdue just have dibs on the Moon like it's their own little toy to play with? If the Moon is actually made out of cheese, wouldn't it be far more appropriate to have Badgers all up on the surface making Motion W's in the moon dust?*
WORKING THEORY: West Lafayette is such a miserable place to live that everyone that goes there wants to get as far away as possible, and nothing is further away than the Moon.
NEVERMIND, THAT THEORY SUCKS: By that logic, every single person from Ohio or Michigan would be an astronaut because there can't be much worse than living in those states.
CONCLUSION: We sell Ohio and Michigan to the Chinese in exchange for unlimited Asian Kitchen.
*It just so happens that I was watching Apollo 13 last night before bed - such an incredible movie. I always find it interesting that when they show Tom Hanks imagining what it's like to be on the surface of the moon, they show his hand moving through the moon dirt like it's all soft and fluffy. I'm 99% sure that's inaccurate, because the moon has to be some cold, hard place. It's not a space beach where you can build little moon dirt castles.
Oh yeah, Apollo 13. My favorite scene is when they have to build a carbon dioxide filter for the LEM before the astronauts get brain asphyxia (sounds bad) and die (confirmed bad):
(Badass NASA Flight Director Ed Harris) Well I suggest you gentlemen invent a way to put a square peg in a round hole... rapidly.
At some point in my life, I was for sure gonna be a NASA engineer because that's the coolest fucking job assignment in the world. Then I got to high school and realized that it's really hard to be an engineer, and it's even HARDER to be a NASA engineer. And now I play kickball and religiously take pictures of my food and sunsets. TRENDING UP IN LIFE.
OTHER NOTABLE ALUMNI
- Kenneth 'Buzz' Shaw, Chancellor of Syracuse University. Only because if his nickname is 'Buzz' to make the name BuzzShaw, then that's the coolest nickname ever and I'm changing my last name to Shaw and naming my second child Buzz.
- Chesley 'Sully' Sullinger, World's Greatest Badass/Star In The Saddest Commercial Ever That Doesn't Feature A Sarah McLachlan Song. Also a prime example of how win in life when you're dealt a terrible hand. No one should ever be named Chesley. I thought for sure it was a typo and he was just unfortunately named after ol' Grandma Chelsea. Nope. Chesley. Live gives you lemons, you land a fucking plane on a river like you don't give a shit.
- Orville Redenbacher, Business leader and agriculturalist, of the popcorn fame. Of course this motherfucker went to Purdue. I will not be naming my third child Orville.
- Deng Jiaxian, Father of the Chinese A-bomb. Not even sure what a Chinese A-bomb is, but I'm gonna go ahead and guess that Purdue really shit the bed on this one.
I feel like I'm swearing a lot and I have no idea why. I'm actually in a pretty good mood right now. Life is good. Perhaps I just LOVE swearing.
THE BEST DRINKS IN MADISON
6) One and Done from the Blue Velvet
Another drink Taffer would DESPISE, the One and Done is really just death in a glass. From what I've gathered, a One and Done calls for:
- Wild Turkey
- Peach Schnapps
- Triple Sec
- Passion Fruit
- Pineapple Juice
- Bar syrup
- Agressively shaken/mixed up
- Orange Slice/Maraschino Cherries as Garnish
And by 'Wild Turkey', I think it means '9 parts Wild Turkey, 1 part everything else'. Even though I had a few One and Dones in my time at UW, I wasn't a true Velvet regular. In the endless search for information, I reached out to some friends who have thrown back their fair share:
Strong, Sweet, Terrible hangovers, gut rot. Great way to start the night off right. Not recommend drinking more than 3. - ANONYMOUS
the one and done is pure poison. i dont think i've had one since freshman year (when it was bought for me) and don't plan on ever buying one in the future - Greg Mortner
About a gallon of wild turkey with enough sweet shit to make it drinkable. And a cherry. - Alex Schneider
Little known fact but I was crowned the one and done champion by Joe the manager back in 2007. 6 one and dones in one night, still the record to this day. Ask anyone…boom. - Nick Conti
I think Nick Conti drank like 10 in a row, he was really fat in college. - CJ Goldberg
7) Literally Anything from Monday's
8) Das Boot at Essen Haus
9) I Think It's A Long Island, But Whatever Comes In The Mason Jar at Red Shed
10) Orange Halloween Wop
11) Three Story Beer Bongs On Dayton Street
12) Mountain Creek Power Hour
Honorable Mentions: Birthday Mug at the Nitty Gritty, World's Biggest Mixed Drinks at Quaker Steak & Lube, Old Fashioned at the Old Fashioned
MATCH-UPS TO WATCH
Guaranteed $1 Million vs. 50/50 Shot At $100 Million
I was asked this question a few weeks ago and I still stand firm: I'm taking the 50/50 shot at $100 million. After I made my decision, I flipped a coin to see what would happen. Tails literally never fails.
Obviously if you just go by expected value, taking the 50/50 chance a hundred mil makes all the sense in the world. But I think a lot of people would go for the sure thing. The way I looked at it, a million dollars would change my life right now... but a hundred million dollars WOULD CHANGE MY LIFE. I don't think you can retire at 26 on $1 million. Anything you do to try and grow that enough to live off it and raise a family will inherently have enough risk that you could really fuck it up.
On the other hand, $100 million is more than enough to take the rest of your life off from working. Wake up whenever you want. Do whatever you want. Who cares. Sure, you'd get bored eventually. I guess that's a problem... a problem I'd love to solve. Here's my official list of things I'd do with all my rich person free time:
- Learn to play piano, because everything is cooler with a piano, and that piano downstairs at Gilt Bar that says 'Don't touch me unless you can play piano' is still haunting my dreams and one day I'm gonna go back there and shred piano all over its stupid face.
- Write a book. Even an idiot like me could do that with that kinda time on my hands.
- Pay someone to cook my meals. I guess I could just learn how to cook, but having a personal chef is the ultimate sign that you've made it in life.
- Train my dog to be just that much cooler than your dog.
Maybe I'd make a pretty terrible rich person.
UW Pass Rush vs. Caleb Terducken and Robert Marve
Right off the bat you know Marve pronounces his last name in some stupid, elitist way. Already don't like the kid. Betwixt him and Terducken, UW will most likely have to prepare for 2 quarterbacks this week. The GOOD news is that the UW pass rush had some kind of pulse last week. 4 different guys recorded sacks (Dippel, Hemer, Muldoon, Allen) and somehow NONE of them was named Chris Borland. That's a good sign. That's a sign of progress. And when you start a year as poorly as we have, progress is really all you can ask for. Just keep getting better and good things will happen. I promise.
RANDOM MUSIC I'M DIGGING HARD THIS WEEK
Foxy Shazam - Holy Touch
Just bought a ticket to see them in Chicago this December and I'm a little excited. Saw them open for the Darkness and they can really bring it live.
Me First and the Gimme Gimmes - Strawberry Fields Forever
I get that the Beatles may have done this song first, but I don't really see how they compare. Me First obviously kills it. They should get all royalties for this song forever and ever.
Iron & Wine - Trapeze Swinger
Now that's the beard of a singer I trust. Side note: I wish I was better at guitar. And singing. Mostly singing.
PS - This is one of those long songs that I wouldn't really have a problem with if it kept going for 30 minutes. I got nowhere to go. Keep singin', bro.
THIS WEEK'S GAME IN HAIKU
Gotta win this week
Pre-dreading 'Boiler Up' cheers
What a shitty town
Yo, someone tell this dog branches and roots aren't the same thing.
"It all started with, 'trust me, I'm an engineer'"
Nothing funny about this, but really cool. Paint a room black and white and then bring the colors to life. Nifty.
COUNTRY FRIED STEAK! So I was up in Middle of Nowhere, Wisconsin last weekend and we went to this little diner-type place for breakfast. I really wanted some chocolate chip fucking pancakes, but at the last second I saw the country fried steak, and, well... I've never had country fried steak before. I decided to leave it up to the waitress and told her to pick one. She didn't hesitate, and next thing I know I've got a country fried steak, scrambled eggs, hash browns, and an English muffin in front of me. NO COMPLAINTS. I kinda thought that maybe a country fried steak was a piece of chicken, but that's just because I'm an idiot. Turns out it's actually steak! Really tasty meal, and the perfect bridge between the drunk-fading-into-hangover and hungover-fading-into-drinking situations I was in.
PS - It sucks so much rolling 5 deep at a place like that. We got a booth and I ended up having to pull up a chair to the end of the booth like I was some kind of GINGER or something. Damn near walked out of the joint when that happened. F that.
PPS - They randomly gave us an extra pancake and I decided to have some fun with it:
Probably the most delicious Motion W I've ever had.
I respect the shit out of any awesome picture taken through a window while driving. And that's exactly what this is. Part of me wants to tell that tree to GTFO of the way, but the other part of me calmly responds that that is the allure of the pic, and I should appreciate it. He's the more reasonable part of me.
JUST DOING MY AMERICAN DUTY ON CTA
There's something you need to know about me: when I'm on public transportation or down in the city, I am always on the lookout for potential acts of TERRORISM. Like in Homeland (8 episodes in, obsessed), I refuse to let something happen on my watch. I don't know if this makes me paranoid or a future hero-in-the-making, but I can't help it.
Fast forward to last week and I see a guy on the bus obviously concealing something in his jacket. He's got a hood on pulled down low over his face (HIDING IT FROM THE CAMERAS PERHAPS?), and he's moving very gingerly around the bus. Curious, I followed him up to the L (calm down, I was getting on the same train) and took a closer look. CHECK IT:
Tough to see. Is that a bomb? ANTHRAX? LET'S ENHANCE THE PIXELS:
OMFG IT'S A PUPPY, BEST TERRORIST EVAR. I regret oh so much not asking for a better pic (I thought, as a matter of principle, that I had to iPhone Ninja it instead of asking him to pose). Either way, I've never been so happy to be wrong... unless he hid a bomb in that puppy like in The Dark Knight, in which case, fuck you real good, terrorist. That's a sneaky move.
(I can't describe the feeling of relief when I saw it was the most adorable puppy ever he was keeping warm on a cold morning)
I was digging around at work the other day and came across this lovely little brochure named, wait for it, 'Managing Headaches'. I'm sure it has some good information in it, but how am I supposed to get past the pictures they used?
God those are amazing. Is there a director at these photo shoots that yells at them to look more pained? 'MASSAGE YOUR TEMPLES LIKE IT WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE'. They remind me of those peer pressure pics I found a year ago.
BONUS: They are RACIALLY BALANCED. White woman? Child please. Indian man? Check. Asian woman staring longingly into the horizon? Get it girl. Standard white guy? What up bro. Black dude? ALL THE COLORS OF THE RAINBOW ACCOUNTED FOR.
Look out, this guy's feeling shockingly GOOD about the game! Where is this optimism coming from? NOBODY KNOWS. But I think we're on the verge of playing some good football. I also don't really think Purdue is that special considering how they've played against their only two solid opponents (15 ppg, 0-2 vs. ND/Mich). Mix that all up, and sprinkle on the fact that I'm not attending the game, and I think we're gonna win a roadie. THE PICK:
WISCONSIN 21, PURDUE 20