Illinois

I'm a little offended at how possible it still is for UW to make the B1G Championship game. This team has been nothing short of HORRENDOUS all year, and yet, as we enter October, a trip to Indy really wouldn't be all that surprising. True - that loss to Nebraska really sucked given how perfect of a start we got off to. But they're not in our division. And that's why these next few weeks are so important. Illinois has looked absolutely terrible this year, and with the game being played at Camp Randall, you can officially dub this one a MUST WIN SITUATION*. I'll promise you right now that if we lose this week, there's no way this team finishes over .500. It's just not possible. Wait, have I mentioned how bad Illinois is? They gave up 52 points... at home... to Louisiana Tech! Things didn't get any better last week when Penn State rolled into Champaign and completely handled the Illini. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if a B1G team comes into Madison as a two touchdown underdog given how abysmal the season has gone so far for Wisconsin, then you know they're really fucking bad.

*Calling a game a 'must-win' is among the dumber things in life that I fully endorse. I can't even begin to tell you how many must-win games my teams have lost and still recovered from.

CHICAGO BADGERS: Good luck this weekend.

WHO/WHERE/WHEN

TV: ABC OR ESPN2, WHO KNOWS, WHO CARES

WEATHER: HOPEFULLY A HURRICANE TO PUT US ALL OUT OF OUR MISERY (JK, 40'S AND SUNNY, SPLENDID)

I CAN'T BELIEVE I ALMOST WENT TO ILLINOIS. THIS SCHOOL SUCKS.

I know usually I point out how many awesome famous alumni our opponents have. But that's a tall order with Illinois. TAKE A LOOK:

• Irving Azoff, CEO of Ticketmaster. HATE HATE HATE Ticketmaster. The last time I tried buying a ticket through Ticketmaster, the $30 ticket came with TWENTY SEVEN DOLLARS in various fees. As far as I'm concerned, they're right up there with phone companies and cable companies on my 'I Really Thought We Made Monopolies Illegal By Now, How Are They Still Boning Us?' list. You can find hundreds of these examples online:

Whenever I'm looking over those final bills, I fully expect to see rust proofing and an additional overcharge on there for good measure. Gross.

• Bob Dudley, CEO of BP; Steven Miller, CEO of Shell Oil. Take note: If you support the University of Illinois, you support BIG OIL AND ARE MOST LIKELY A FILTHY REPUBLICAN TRYING TO KILL ALL THE POOR PEOPLE OF AMERICA. Doesn't sound like a school that I'D wanna be associated with.
• Ron Popeil, Inventor of the Infomercial*. I'm sure it's trendy to dislike infomercials, but what if you secretly love them? I think they're unintentionally hilarious. Every single one is exactly the same: Show a normal process in black and white with intense struggle, introduce the new product that will miraculously solve all of life's problems, give away an extra one for FREE assuming you pay $14.99 in shipping and handling, and then tell them to call NOW to get an ADDITIONAL product free! I guess it just scares me a little knowing that a large population of old people simply cannot resist the urge to buy that tortilla bowl maker that they will maybe use once in their lives.
• Chesty L. Rue, MBA, CEO of Durkin Industries & Prostitution connoisseur. Game-changer. I guess I always thought that Chesty La Rue was a name Homer made up for Marge in the episode where he becomes Max Power, but apparently Chesty L. Rue is very real and very much the prostitution connoisseur you'd expect her to be. Wikipedia was even nice enough to add 'See: Pimp' and link to the wiki page on pimping. Only one problem:

It's obvious the person who wrote the wiki on pimping has never actually done any pimpin'. Also, I like to think that having an MBA as a pimp is a little like having a culinary degree while working the deep fryer at McDonald's. Maybe you could do a little better given your qualifications?

*Some people at work were talking about a girl who used to work here, and they mentioned that it looked like she had a Bumpit in her hair all the time. SO TRUE. And I forgot all about Bumpits! What a remarkably terrible idea. Do the girls really look better in the 'after' shots?

Hmmm. I suppose it's a bit closer of a call than I realized. Let's consult the only true expert...

DELICATE GENIUS APPROVES. This is the point where anyone who doesn't watch Seinfeld is thinking, 'is he on drugs?'  MAYBE.

(I'm actually rather curious if any of the girls reading this have used Bumpits before. Stories/emails would be appreciated.)

 

THE BEST DRINKS IN MADISON

7) Literally Anything from Monday's.

If you're gonna do only one thing, you better do it damn well. And Monday's has totally embraced that mindset. It simply does not matter what you order there: it's going to have a lot of alcohol in it, and it's going to be cheap. If you can disregard for a moment that the place smells like fresh vomit and is somehow either completely empty or absolutely swamped, then you're for sure gonna have a good, soon-to-be-blacked out time. It's really a below-average bar that figured out the key to longevity* in the crowded Madison bar scene. Students wanna get wasted as quickly as they can, and they wanna do so for as little money as humanly possible. This is the ONLY reason Monday's is still open for business, and you gotta respect the hell out of that.

But don't just take it from me. Here's what the #YelpMachine has to say about Monday's:

That's a wonderfully accurate group of reviews. I don't think I found a single thing I disagreed with. Isn't Yelp just the greatest when they're not shaking down local businesses and shadily hiding/promoting specific reviews?

*I'm not the only one who thinks 'longetivity' is a word, am I? Flabbergasted at my desk to learn that I'm really looking for 'longevity'. And I don't flabbergast very easily.

Previously:

8) Das Boot at Essen Haus

9) I Think It's A Long Island, But Whatever Comes In The Mason Jar at Red Shed

10) Orange Halloween Wop

11) Three Story Beer Bongs On Dayton Street

12) Mountain Creek Power Hour

Honorable Mentions: Birthday Mug at the Nitty Gritty, World's Biggest Mixed Drinks at Quaker Steak & Lube, Old Fashioned at the Old Fashioned

MATCH-UPS TO WATCH

UW Head Coach Bret Bielema vs. UW Offensive Coordinator Matt Canada

I sense dissension in the ranks. Based on the whispers I'm hearing, Bielema is firmly pro-DOB, while Canada is Stave's biggest fan. THAT IS NOT GOOD. If the head coach and the offensive coordinator aren't on the same page, do you know what you get? You get a team bringing in a quarterback to run the 2 minute drill on the road down 3 after sitting on the bench all day. That's what you get. And that is NO BUENO.  Listen, you know I love Wisconsin. And I like Bielema. But the Canada hiring is really starting to worry me. I never understood why they went with a guy with a spread background, but if he was able to score points in bunches at Indiana and Northern Illinois, it was only safe to assume he could do it with the horses we have at UW. 5 games in, however, and things are still not even close to clicking. There IS talent on the offensive side of the ball, but terrible play calling and indecisiveness at the top are really capping this team's potential. FIGURE IT OUT.

Square Pizza Slices vs. Standard Triangle Pizza Slices

This is a lot closer than most people realize. A big part of that is that there are so many factors involved. The only way I know how to decide? PROS AND CONS:

Square Slices

PROS

• You can eat about a thousand pieces of pizza and not be the fattest person alive, cuz look at how little and cute they are!
• Not a crust person? NO PROBLEM. Harvest the middle squares.
• Much easier to share in a large group setting
• Ideal for dipping. If you don't dip pizza in ranch I question your ability to live a meaningful life.

CONS

• Those tiny corner pieces offend me
• I pretty much have no self-control when it comes to how many I can eat since they're so small.
• Less surface area = better chance of getting a piece that got shafted in the toppings department

Triangle Slices

PROS

• I think it's really cool that opposite slices will always be the same size.
• There is something to be said for downing a giant slice a la Pizza di Roma. A true sense of accomplishment.
• Ian's does not do square slices
• I never, EVER saw the Ninja Turtles eat a square slice of pizza, and they're essentially the official pizza experts of the world.

CONS

• Tough to get adequate ranch coverage once you start getting down towards the end of a slice
• 'No thanks, had two slices, I'm full' - couldn't sound lamer. Two WHOLE slices? You should probably take a week off eating and reflect on your gluttony.
• If you don't like the crust, you're SOL. Unless you eat it backwards and topsy-turvy that pizza like someone who shall remain nameless used to do in high school and totally wasn't me.
• I actually went through a phase of eating pizza backwards, but ONLY the Pizza Hut they served at lunch one year in high school. I could pretend like I think it was a crazy thing to do, but at the time it made PERFECT sense and I think the pizza somehow, magically, tasted better. Maybe it's time to dust this move off and give it another shot.

VERDICT: In a shocker, I'm going with SQUARES as the ultimate pizza slice. It's possible I'm biased because two of my favorite pizzas (Calderone Club in Milwaukee and Barnaby's in Chicago) have mind-blowingly good thin crust pizza that's cut into squares.

DISCLAIMER: Deep dish pizza kinda throws off this entire game. Has anyone EVER had deep dish cut into squares? I feel like those will be served with toothpicks in them at my wedding. Act like you wouldn't assault the server out of sheer excitement if they came out of the kitchen with a tray of Lou Mal's cut into toothpicked squares. Is this a thing? Can I trademark it and slap a #MillionDollarIdea label on it?

Speaking of which, I had a #BillionDollarIdea yesterday: Customized yoga mats with Instagram pictures on them. You will NEVER guess what the target audience is here. But I don't see yoga going anywhere anytime soon, and Instagram, well, I'll get to them later. I'm in my first round of financing for this project and I really think it's got some LEGS. Potential name: Yogagram. Oooo, I'm not the first to coin that term, and of course it comes from Pinterest. Don't you think my #skyporn collection would make for unreal yoga mats? This is by far the most logical of my many ideas.

RANDOM MUSIC I'M DIGGING HARD THIS WEEK

Matt & Kim - Let's Go

Newest single from them and I really like it. Unfortunately, the rest of their album came out and it's HORRIBLE. They're coming to Chicago next month and I can't wait to see them because they're so much damn fun live. But this new album has somewhat tempered my expectations. Didn't enjoy a single song after 'Let's Go'.

Our Lady Peace - Clumsy

I guess the fact that I enjoy this song is really proof positive that I can ignore the lyrics of a song and still really like it:

There's nothing strange about this
You need to know your friends
I'll be waving my hand watching you drown
Watching you scream
Quiet or loud
Maybe you should sleep
Maybe you just need a friend
As clumsy as you've been
There's no one laughing
You will be safe in here

Morbid much? Unless there's some deeper meaning here that completely escapes me because interpreting song lyrics is something I do not do at an above average level. Like catching tater tots in my mouth. So, so good at that.

Lenny Kravitz - American Woman

Always appreciate a black jew that can shred a guitar. I know I'm supposed to capitalize 'jew' there, but I feel like that would be disrespectful to the black part of him since that is NOT capitalized. I respect all races and religions. Except Mormonism and Scientology. 

THIS WEEK'S GAME IN HAIKU

No expectations

This team has broken my heart

Is it next year yet?

YOUTUBE

This 5 year old kid doing commentary while mountain biking with his dad is fucking ADORABLE. And what an awesome dad he is.

 Can you see well?
 No, I don't need to pee.

Killed me.

Well, this might as well be 'adorable kids doing terrifying things' week. Here's a little girl doing her first ski jump.

I'll be fine... I'll do it... Well... here... goes... something, I guess...

PS - Nailed it:

I just got so nostalgic about Land Before Time that it's a little unsettling. WHY DID I JUST WATCH THE SCENE WHERE LITTLEFOOT'S MOM DIES. I refuse to link to it because no one should watch something so sad.

On the complete opposite end of the spectrum, this might be my favorite COPS video ever. Legitimate tears of joy while watching it.

OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW... TOP OF THE LIIIIINEEEE....

OK, fine, one more: This can be the runner-up for best COPS video. Also:

Amazing call.

Finally, in light of butt chugging somehow working its way into my Twitter feed all the damn time these last few weeks, I feel compelled to link to the original butt chug. The camera guy geeking out and Bam butt plunging him make the video.

FOOD PORN

Lemon chicken and roasted potatoes from Steve's Deli. That place doesn't fuck around. How do you find such big breasted chickens? Do they just pound the breast so it gets real thin like that? Either way, delicious and I want more.

SKY PORN

My roommate sent me this pano he took of a sunset in Atlanta. My initial thoughts were that it was pretty badass, and it would look SIGNIFICANTLY better if taken with an iPhone instead of some bogus Android phone. #iphoneelitist

PS - You really wanna tell me you wouldn't love practicing your Downward Dog at Core Power Yoga with this on your mat? Bullshit. You and I BOTH know you'd buy that yoga mat in a heartbeat. I'll sell them exclusively at LuLu Lemon outlets. This is the best fucking idea ever in the history of the world since stuffed crust pizza.

I CAVED AND JOINED INSTAGRAM. LET'S TALK ABOUT IT.

Let me start by saying this: I think Instagram is pretty cool. The idea makes a lot of sense. I just think the execution is pretty poor. It's possible that I'm in the minority on that view, since it's a shockingly popular service and Facebook paid more than the Middle East's GNP to buy it. But a few things really bother me:

• The native resolution for Instagram pics sucks. If you try taking a pic you took with the normal camera and putting it on Instagram, you're gonna have to zoom/crop to get it to fit. Wanna put up a panorama you took? Enjoy wasting 2/3rds of the screen. Stupid.
• You honestly have to use a third party service to view Instagram on the internet? I understand the importance of the mobile market, but to just let other people fill that void (read: capitalize on the traffic) seems foolish to me.
• Following up on that, if I want someone to follow me on Instagram, there's no way I can easily just link to my profile. On a phone, they have to search for my username. At least on the web I can link them to my Webstagram page. I just don't get why http://www.instagram.com/users/purebwa doesn't exist. That seems like an amazingly obvious way to handle things.
• The editing capabilities are pretty nice... until you've tried Camera+. It's hard to describe with words how much better Camera+ is at editing pictures. So many more options, they're named in logical ways, the ability to only use X% of a certain filter... it just goes on and on. My strategy was to edit my pics in Camera+ and then dump them into Instagram... but that takes us back to the first issue up above. Womp WOMP.

So there ya go. It's cool, and I'll keep playing around with it, but it could be a lot better.

PS - Step aside grocery store, out of the way Borders, I think we've found the new #1 place to meet girls:

Took me a week to get ONE male follower. Not that I'm complaining.

PREDICTION CITY

We're going to WIN this game. OPTIMISM! CONFIDENCE! Or I'm just drunk. The Pick:

WISCONSIN 34, ILLINOIS 20

ON WISCONSIN