Minnesota

Damn you, Bielema. Just when I was ready to write this team off and start looking forward to hoops season, you have to go and turn me into a BELIEVER again. What did you do to make Monteé Ball look like Montee Ball? How did you get the offensive line to turn into 5 Joe Thomas clones? Why is Jared Abbrederis the best receiver in UW history? When is Joel Stave getting his Big Ten Freshman of the Year award? Where is this up and down season taking us?

I can answer that last one! ONE WAY TRAIN TO INDY. Not a single shred of doubt in my mind. The two teams ahead of Wisconsin in Our Division With The Shittier Name are ineligible for Indy, and the three teams after Wisconsin are a combined 0-8 in B1G play. What does that creeper say in Hunger Games? May the odds be ever in your favor? Could the odds possibly be any MORE ever in our favor right now? Did I REALLY just make a Hunger Games reference? Ugh.

PS - OK, so yeah, I'm thinking ahead a little: After we beat Michigan in the B1G Championship Game, am I supposed to go to Pasadena for the third straight year? Totally and completely split on this:

REASONS TO GO

• Making New Years plans is arguably the least fun thing in the world, and it will be -15 degrees in Chicago.
• The Rose Bowl is actually one of the most amazing venues I've ever been to.
• Despite two painful defeats, I still had a lot of fun in LA the last two Januaries.
• USC, Stanford... they don't really scare me.
• In-N-Out.

REASONS NOT TO GO

• I think I'm cursed and we're almost for sure gonna lose when I go.
• If it's Oregon, I'm staying the fuck away. Not going down that road again.
• There have to be better ways to spend all that money, like this, which I really, really wish I had for Halloween.
• I secretly hate LA.

Tough call. Maybe I should just let the season play out before worrying about this decision. Sounds much smarter.

PPS - Might be worth going for the In-N-Out alone:

OM NOM ANIMAL STYLE NOM

CHICAGO BADGERS: You are on your own this week. Good luck.

WHO/WHERE/WHEN

TV: ESPNU, COMPLETE AND TOTAL LACK OF RESPECT

WEATHER: LOW 50'S, PARTLY CLOUDY, DOESN'T THAT TECHNICALLY MEAN IT'S PARTLY SUNNY? WEATHER.COM IS SUCH A GLASS-HALF-EMPTY KIND OF OPERATION.

I-H-A-T-E-Y-O-U-R-S-C-H-O-O-L

Get it? Because you spell your damn school's name every 13 seconds? WHY DO YOU DO THAT? If I went to a school as terrible as Minnesota, the LAST thing I'd do is constantly remind myself of where I was. Idiots.

NOTABLE ALUMNI

• Michael Sokolski, engineer, founder and inventor of Scantron. Well, A BIG OL' BOWL OF FUCK YOU TO THIS GUY. I wonder if he knew when he invented Scantrons that they would grow to become the very worst part of any class ever. And I'm not talking about the actual part where you fill in your answers to the test - that was easy (unless you accidentally skipped one, and then you had to erase like 14 dark, aggressively colored in circles to get it all back in order). I was constantly infuriated when I had to do last name, first name, middle initial, ID number, test number, date, class, teacher, astrological sign, favorite movie not named Jurassic Park and all the other 'standard' questions you had to fill in before even BEGINNING the damn test. At one point I was convinced I could just have a stamp that would fill in the right bubbles for that info, but then you quickly realize that there are 17 million different versions of Scantrons. IN CONCLUSION: Michael Sokolski can eat a bag of dicks.
• Michael P. Sullivan, former President, Dairy Queen, 1987-2001. Do we have Michael P. Sullivan to thank for the famed DQ Chicken Tender Basket (DQCTB)? If so, Minnesota might have just backed into the biggest visionary in US history. The DQCTB is by FAR the best chicken tender offering among all the main fast food joints. And that's without even mentioning that it comes with two slices of delicious toast and a bucket of gravy. Safe to say, Sullivan's idea to create the DQCTB saved DQ from the pitfalls of bankruptcy. And then he sold DQ to Warren Buffet, ensuring that the world's greatest chicken tender basket stays in the B1G. ADVICE: Add '-calories' to any google search of delicious food. YIKES.
• Margaret Anne Cargill, philanthropist. The ONLY reason I clicked on her name was because WTF, I wanna be a philanthropist. I'd be a KICKASS philanthropist! But I dug deeper. Take a look:

You gotta be freaking kidding me. This is usually where I say, 'I hope I'm not alone on this...', but I already know there are others that agree with me when I say this is BULLSHIT. You're either anonymous... or you're not. Fake philanthropy, faux anonymity. Classic Minnesota move.

(She probably donated $200 million to pediatric cancer research and I'm ripping her apart. Never question my allegiance to Wisconsin and my disdain for all things University of Minnesota.)

THE BEST DRINKS IN MADISON

5) Rumplemintz During Flip Night at State Street Brats

Flip Night at Brats is the ultimate 'go big or go home' adventure. You shouldn't even be allowed to flip on orders under $20. Wanna stick it to the man and hit the cheapskate owner where it hurts? Order 17 shots of rumplemintz and call tails. Congratulations, you just won a bucket of rumplemintz for $3. I get that it may be luck, but somehow I managed to win 96% of my flips in 5 years in Madison. Just an uncanny ability to always call tails and always get it right. Probably would've spent a million dollars at Brats had I discovered Jumplemintz before graduating, but that's OK.

By now I'm well aware that rumplemintz isn't a very unique drink. No one has ever taken a shot of it and been like, 'Damn, this makes me really want a State Street Brats rumplemintz special!' But Flip Night was an integral part of my Madison experience, and by FAR my favorite thing to do was to order rounds of rumplemintz and nail my flip. Basically drinking for free, which is the BEST kind of drinking.

Previously:

6) One and Done from the Blue Velvet

7) Literally Anything from Monday's

8) Das Boot at Essen Haus

9) I Think It's A Long Island, But Whatever Comes In The Mason Jar at Red Shed

10) Orange Halloween Wop

11) Three Story Beer Bongs On Dayton Street

12) Mountain Creek Power Hour

Honorable Mentions: Birthday Mug at the Nitty Gritty, World's Biggest Mixed Drinks at Quaker Steak & Lube, Old Fashioned at the Old Fashioned

MATCH-UPS TO WATCH

Monday vs. Tuesday

I have a working theory that somehow Tuesdays have become worse than Mondays. But I've been rebuffed every time I've floated it out there. Whatever haters, at least give me a chance to explain.

MONDAYS

PROS

• Lot of work to do = day flies by. This is HUGE.
• Monday Night Football is a blessing
• Everyone else is zigging and hating, you're zagging and loving. Nothin' wrong with going against the grain, unless you're cutting meat or petting a dog.
• You can definitely get away with a lot more because, hey, it's Monday, right? Need that report today? Well I've got a lot to catch up with from the weekend, how about Wednesday?

CONS

• Everybody fucking hates Mondays.
• A lot of bars and restaurants are closed on Mondays.
• Being the first weekday after the weekend is like leading off the inning after your pitcher just hit one of their guys in the face.
• If you booze for NFL Sunday, when Monday comes, you're gonna have a bad time.

TUESDAYS

PROS

• FINE. Technically you're one day closer to the weekend.
• I'm seriously having a difficult time coming up with good things about Tuesdays.
• Fuck Tuesdays.

CONS

• Still far from the weekend, but without the excuses of a Monday.
• 9/11 happened on a Tuesday.
• Remember the Great Depression? Remember BLACK TUESDAY? Thought so.
• Both the Greek and the Spanish consider Tuesday to be unlucky. Tuesday the 13th is much, MUCH scarier than Friday the 13th.

Do you finally understand? Tuesdays are worthless.

UW LB Chris Borland vs. UM QB MarQueis Gray

Gray is questionable with an ankle, but the last I heard he was gonna try to play. Although, I'd be a little concerned if I were a Gopher fan (I'd also consider suicide) when the coach comes out and says that he cannot move laterally, but he can run straight forward. You know who is directly ahead of Gray? BORLAND. Borland's seemed more comfortable at MLB this season, and we've seen him coming off the end to terrorize quarterbacks and running backs behind the line of scrimmage. It's one of my favorite things to watch. Do yourself a favor and spend a few defensive series watching no one else other than Borland. Thank god we get that kid one more year.

PS - Remember that Facebook group, 'My parents were high when they named me'? Hi MarQueis!

RANDOM MUSIC I'M DIGGING HARD THIS WEEK

Bill Withers - Lean On Me

Try and hate on this song. Go ahead. I'll wait.

311 - All Mixed Up

You've got to trust your instinct

And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet

Those are words to live by right there. 

Weezer - El Scorcho

For some reason, this song has been DOMINATING the shuffle algorithm on my phone. Every day for the last 2 weeks. I'm not really complaining, either, because it's a fantastic song. 

Kina Grannis - In Your Arms

Catchy little song, but the video is insane. All stop motion using jelly beans. It took 22 MONTHS to finish. For some perspective, 22 months ago I was planning my trip to see Scott Tolzien and John Clay play TCU in the Rose Bowl. WE HAVE COME SO FAR

THIS WEEK'S GAME IN HAIKU

You gave up on us?

Get back on the bandwagon

UNBLOCK ME MONTEE

YOUTUBE

That's the 'making of' for that crazy jelly beans music video. There's no way it made enough money to justify the time spent working on it, right? I guess that's what makes it art?

I shouldn't make fun of them for this, because I probably would never step foot on one of these rides. But how can you not laugh when he passes out and then his arms just go up because of gravity or inertia or whatever Newton wants you to believe, and then she puts her arms up because she's following suit? That is SUCH a long, convoluted question.

'Best of Stupid Game Show Answers'

Name a kind of bear...
PAPA BEAR!

This kid kinda sucks at the alphabet song. Cookie Monster ain't no letter I ever heard of!

PS -

I love you...
I love you, too!

Way to keep your composure, Kermit.

FOOD PORN

Few things beat a perfectly cooked steak at home. My family just got this kickass new grill that goes up to like a thousand degrees, which means you can char the outside of a piece of meat while cooking it to a PERFECT medium rare on the inside. If you're ever in Milwaukee and want a steak like that, don't go to my parent's house because that's a total weirdo move. Go to Coerper's and get the best steak the world has to offer.

SKY PORN

A very, very cool pic taken somewhere in Colorado I think. Bright blue sky, vivid fall tree, slick reflection on the water... really covers all the bases. I wish I took this myself. Let's all just pretend that I did - I think we've played this game before.

(via)

LOOK AT THIS FUCKING HIPSTER (#LATFH)

LOOK AT THIS FUCKING HIPSTER BORDER I THREW ON YOUR PIC SO YOU'D FEEL NICE AND EDGY AND NON-MAINSTREAM. You're welcome! What the fuck are you wearing?

TIMEOUT

Is it me, or is something missing from this pic? He's def a poser-hipster, which is the lowest form of hipster. Have you figured it out yet? I WILL HELP YOU:

Silly poser-hipster, rule #1 of being a hipster: If you're gonna buzz your head, you have to leave at least one quadrant fully grown. That's Hipster 101. Whether it's the top, one of the sides, or the back (HIPSTER MULLET), you simply cannot just buzz your head. You know who buzzes their entire head? THE ARMY, POSSIBLY THE MOST ANTI-HIPSTER ESTABLISHMENT SINCE BIG RECORD LABELS AND DEPARTMENT STORES. This guy should be embarrassed. BUT HAVE NO WORRIES, I WILL FIX YOU:

I'm ashamed to have shared a train platform with that faux hipster.

(Those are skinny bangs, the next big thing in the hipster world. They go with the skinny jeans.)

PREDICTION CITY

I don't understand why there's a little part of me that's kinda worried about this game. I was very confident going into West Lafayette, and now we come home to face a worse team with a hobbled quarterback. This one should have BLOWOUT CITY written all over it... in blood. But something stupid inside me is saying this might be one of those 'we come out lazy, let them hang around, and then finally once the crowd is all fed up MBS starts running over people and we win by two touchdowns' kinda games. Yeah, I'll stick with that. THE PICK:

WISCONSIN 28, MINNESOTA 10

ON WISCONSIN