WHAT WE LEARNED LAST WEEK
- Indiana, despite being a game away from making the B1G Championship, is still Indiana
- Wisconsin, despite struggling to find a consistent offensive rhythm this year, is still Wisconsin
- Curt Phillips is still a mystery, but at least he didn't tear another ACL
- You shouldn't keep important players in when the game is decided and your schedule is tough the rest of season. NEED HEALTHY BORLAND
That's pretty much it. Don't get me wrong, I love beating teams a million to seven, but the games tend to get a little boring. And we still have no idea what we have in Phillips. This woulda been a great opportunity to let him throw 15-20 passes to see where his arm strength is at and how he's going through his progressions... but according to Bielema, the score didn't really dictate doing anything other than running.
So that's where we're at. Our ticket is punched for Indy, but before we get there we have some business to tend to. Namely, Urban Meyer and big bad OSU come to Camp Randall for a game that simultaneously means nothing and everything. Well maybe 'everything' is a slight exaggeration. Regardless, the road to Indy will almost certainly go through Columbus in the near future, and it'd be really nice for Bielema to start off 1-0 against Urban. DO IT.
CHICAGO BADGERS: If you're not going to Madison this weekend then I don't even want to talk to you.
SHAMELESS PLUG: Hey! It's my Movember page! We should all totally donate some money to a good cause and maybe Brandon will include a pic of his devious mustache attempt in next week's Preview!
WEATHER: 40'S, GUESS WHAT, A 2:30 START IN NOVEMBER MEANS CAMP RANDALL #SKYPORN POTENTIAL IS AT THREAT LEVEL MIDNIGHT, AKA PANORAMA CITY
APPARENTLY SOME PEOPLE FROM OHIO HAVE DONE NON-METH THINGS IN LIFE. I'M AS SHOCKED AS YOU ARE.
- R. L. Stine, children's author of the Goosebumps series. R. L. Stine is a dude? I've lived my entire life under the assumption that R. L. stood for Renee Louise or Roberta Loretta. I am declaring Goosebumps a SHAM as a result of this investigation. Wanna know what's not surprising? That someone who grew up in Ohio was alarmingly good at writing about creepy, terrible things. DID YOU KNOW Silence of the Lambs was filmed in Ohio? THINK ABOUT IT
- I just googled 'who invented meth' and I'm moderately depressed that the first 12 answers weren't 'IDK, probably someone from Ohio.' It was the Japanese AGAIN by the way. They fucking love inventing shit before us. HDTV, MiniDisc players, meth... you name it, the Japanese invented it.
- Yang Huiyan, real estate developer, China's wealthiest woman. I'm comforted to know that UW isn't the only campus with exceedingly rich Asians cruising around in brand new BMW 3 series. She's worth $17 BILLION. I wonder, did anyone tell her she was rich before she enrolled at OSU? Ohio kinda seems like the type of state you would avoid if you were rich and/or not a pedophile.
- Charlie Shin, Founder and CEO of Charley's Grilled Subs. Holy tits do I love Charley's. Is the one in Madison still open? That shit was DELICIOUS and I could really house a buffalo chicken sub right about now. They also hired a woman to paint a giant Bucky mural in their store. I'm a huge fan of any chain that makes a legitimate effort to embrace the local culture. Painting a giant Bucky riding a rainbow to the moon while holding a three cheese bacon sub is EXACTLY the type of thinking I embrace.
- Silvermine - You fuck with a Cripple Creek, you fuck with me. Nobody wants that. Especially not me, since I'm just trying to quietly get my Cripple Creek nut over here.
- Charley's - Almost for sure overrating since I just talked about them, and whatever I really want a sub from Charley's right now.
- Potbelly - Is it Potbelly or Potbelly's? I guess that's really the difference between alluding to some vague potbelly a guy got from eating too many meatball subs vs. being owned by a man named Robbie Potbelly. Also, everything is toasted and that's how it should be.
- Quizno's - Again, toast the shit out of my sandwich and I'll be a happy guy. They kinda lost me though when they changed up their menu. I had my order down to a fucking T there before they did that.
- Subway - $5 Footlongs might go down as one of the most genius promotions ever. Fat Jared Fogle goes down as one of the most annoying. Cheese nazis. Why is every Subway owned by Indian people? Not that there's anything wrong with that.
NOT LISTED DUE TO TERRIBLENESS: Jimmy John's, Milio's. TRUE STORY: I won like $50 in gift certificates from Milio's, so I took the only person I know in the world that actively sought out Milio's. I bought like 5 cookies for myself and then threw out the remaining gift certificates because I do not believe in supporting mediocre food. BTW, it was recently brought to my attention that Jimmy John's is ANTI-MIDDLE CLASS JOE PLUMBER. That's a link to Fox News, therefore, ACCURATE.
- George Steinbrenner, deceased owner of the New York Yankees. Here is a montage of George Steinbrenner's greatest moments on Seinfeld. If you thought this was going any other direction, you do not know me well enough and need to start paying better attention.
- Don Yannias, CEO of Encyclopedia Britannica. You know who probably hates Wikipedia like an Ohio resident hates an empty meth bag? Donny Yannias. Just like your grandma still uses a landline phone, Donny Yannias is still paging through encyclopedias to figure out the state bird of Oklahoma (scissor-tailed flycatcher).
- Jim Jinkins, animator and creator of Doug. Is Jim Jinkins a millionaire? I'm leaning towards 'yes':
He sold the Doug pilot to Nickelodeon. The pilot tested higher than any other pilot for the network at the time. Jinkins established Jumbo Pictures in 1990 to produce Doug for Nickelodeon. Doug's success caught the eyes of Disney executives. In 1996 Jim sold Jumbo Pictures to Disney. Disney then developed Disney's Doug (originally Brand Spanking New Doug) as part of their "One Saturday Morning" lineup.
- I think once you sell something to Disney you kinda have to be a millionaire. I have no idea why this was my question when I got to his page. Food for thought: Jim Jinkins is a name I can get behind. I'd vote the shit out of Jim Jinkins for any office up to and including president.
THE BEST DRINKS IN MADISON
2) Natty Light Keg at a House Party
IN YOUR FACE BAUMGARTNER
Unlimited possibilities. That's really what this is all about. If you have a keg of Natty, you can throw any kind of party you want. Pregame with some beer pong? Can't think of a better beer in the world for that. Keep the party going with a 20 person flip cup game? Significantly easier with a keg than a thousand cans littering the table. Gotta fill up some boots for wholly unnecessary das boot chugging at 9 am? Only a FOOL would be caught pouring cans of Bud Lite into a giant glass boot.
But I suppose that's only reasoning for why having a keg is so money. That doesn't touch on the fact that Natty Light is HANDS DOWN the best cheap beer on the market. Better than Miller Lite, Bud Light, Busch, Keystone, any shitty beer you name - Natty is better. True, they lose their 30 cans in a case edge when you go to kegs, but Riley's always had Natty at a damn good price, making it impossible to resist. Personally, I like Natty enough to drink casually, which some might consider strange. Whatever. Natty Light is delicious and I'll drink it anytime, anywhere. ESPECIALLY if it's flowing out of a cold keg at a rocking rager in Madison. Over/under for Natty's consumed this weekend in Madison is currently at 47 and pushing upwards as money comes in on the over.
Here's a GIF of Conan eating a wing while licking a Natty Light can:
PS - Remember when Conan was hot shit and everyone was fucking going nuts over the Tonight Show thing and wouldn't stop talking about how awesome Conan is? Does anyone actually watch his show these days? Didn't think so.
3) Fishbowl from Wando's
4) Beer and Shot at the KK
5) Rumplemintz During Flip Night at State Street Brats
6) One and Done from the Blue Velvet
7) Literally Anything from Monday's
8) Das Boot at Essen Haus
9) I Think It's A Long Island, But Whatever Comes In The Mason Jar at Red Shed
10) Orange Halloween Wop
11) Three Story Beer Bongs On Dayton Street
12) Mountain Creek Power Hour
Honorable Mentions: Birthday Mug at the Nitty Gritty, World's Biggest Mixed Drinks at Quaker Steak & Lube, Old Fashioned at the Old Fashioned
MATCH-UPS TO WATCH
Pre-Bars vs. A-Bars
Let me start by saying there is no loser here. Any sort of gathering where good friends and good - well, any - booze come together is a winner in my book. But pre-bars and A-bars are so WILDLY different that I think we need to delve deep and break it down.
- Most people are sober enough that actual, meaningful conversations are possible
- No one has to babysit their way too drunk friend, unless you're at one wild pre-bar
- Plenty of time to organize and get everything set up
- Early enough that you can play music as loudly as you want without getting in trouble
- Take 8 shots at a pre-bar? Party on. Take 8 shots at an A-bar? Sweet dreams.
- The night is young... the possibilities... endless
- You're already plastered, so the who/where/when really doesn't matter
- Socially acceptable to be eating a Cripple Creek while partying
- You can totally brag the next day about a-barring until 7 am. That makes you COOL
- Much rarer than pre-bars, therefore they are CHERISHED
- If you struck out at the bars, well, this is your last chance. Just don't be a creeper.
- Do or say something embarrassing? There's at least an 80% chance no one will remember it. Pull that same shit at 9 pm and you're in for a harsh reminder the next day
I love A-bars. I really do. Anytime someone's like 'yo, let's have an A-bar' I get EXCITED. People want to keep drinking but the bars are closed? WE ARE SO MUCH COOLER THAN THESE LOSERS. But like I said, A-bars aren't an every-week occurrence. At least not anymore. And the ability to plan ahead and really organize a badass pre-bar gives them the nod. Every good night starts with a pre-bar of sorts, and keep in mind that when you leave a pre-bar, all the leftover booze (if there is any) is sitting right there waiting for you to throw an impromptu A-bar. Double jeopardy.
RANDOM MUSIC I'M DIGGING HARD THIS WEEK
All-American Rejects - Another Heart Calls
Because I forgot to include them in my pop-punk-rock fest last week.
Alkaline Trio - Radio
Although I could do without the 'shaking like a dog shitting razor blades' mental imagery. Poor dog.
Alien Ant Farm - Smooth Criminal
Is it possible I didn't include this song on my list of the best covers? It's definitely up there.
Citizen King - Better Days
Always respect and fear a band with Milwaukee roots. I also have no idea what genre this is.
THIS WEEK'S GAME IN HAIKU
Urban comes to town
Nothin' really on the line
Nothin' but pride, man
This is funny, but is it me or is this guy kinda a dick?
Here's an NFL safety that is TERRIFIED of horses.
You think GusTAVo AlmaDOvar ever watched Private Parts? #wNNNNbc
Oh, you've got a montage of funny shit happening to TV reporters? DON'T MIND IF I DO.
PS - The Mexican who gets rocked by the horse is probably dead. Also, the second that woman got on the skateboard you knew trouble was coming. Well, you knew trouble was coming because only bad things happen in this video. But still.
PPS - Today I was walking through the Loop and some important looking dude in a suit was getting interviewed on TV and I was SO tempted to run up and photobomb it or something. Maybe just get in his face and yell On Wisconsin? Turns out, I'm too big of a coward to even try that.
One of my favorite readers sent in a shot of her curds from Dottie's. We've been over it before, but that place is easily one of the best establishments in Madison. Unfortunately, it's just a little too slow and nice for me to ever go to during a weekend rager visit. Like this weekend. I WANT Dottie's, but it's not gonna happen. I'll have to settle for salivating over a picture of their curds.
PS - Usually I'm all ranch all day, but if you wanna dip your curds in their English Garlic Sauce, go ahead. Even though it's just mayo with a bucket of garlic mixed in, it's fucking FIRE.
Another reader submission, this time from south of the border: a sunset over Lana Del Rey, Mexico. Mexico strikes me as the type of place where I would not do very well. If I ever have to flee the country, don't even bother searching Mexico because I don't wanna live there. And I just TOTALLY threw you off the scent for when I flee the country. Worked like a charm. OR DID IT
I wanna believe. I truly do. But I don't see it. I'm having a hard time seeing us score enough to keep up with Braxton and the Buckeyes. They don't like us (I don't blame them), and without a bowl game, this and the Michigan game are really their season. Plus, they're undefeated. Just not feeling it. Hope I'm wrong. THE PICK:
WISCONSIN 17, OHIO STATE 20