@ Penn State

This is where I tell you that this is gonna be an abridged version due to Thanksgiving and all the other chaos associated with this week, but I'll probably still get carried away. Oh well.

WHO/WHERE/WHEN

TV: ABC

WEATHER: 35, CLOUDY, WINDY, GOOD THING THE BIG TEN IS ALL ABOUT THE EAST COAST RIGHT NOW

MY GOAL IS TO GET THROUGH THIS WHOLE THING WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT SANDUSKY OR PATERNO

NOTABLE ALUMNI

• Richard T. James, inventor of the Slinky. WORST THINGS EVER TO UNTANGLE:
• Headphones - it DOES NOT MATTER if you neatly wrapped them up before putting them in your pocket, they're coming out in a triple red dawn sailor's knot 3 minutes later. Every. Single. Time.
• Telephone cords - true, this is OBSOLETE given that no one owns a phone with a cord since no one owns a landline anymore, but back in the day it was infuriating trying to undo the 36 foot cord to the kitchen phone. I have no idea why, but right now I'm picturing the phone in the kitchen from Roseanne, which is appalling because a) I used to watch that show, and b) I REMEMBER watching that show. Remember when they switched Becky's? THAT'S SOME SHIT.
• Slinkies - an old-school, original, metal slinky that got tangled was essentially any kid's worst nightmare after Mr. Egghead. That shit was impossible to fix without getting it all bent up.
• Obligatory:

• Adam McKay, writer and director of Anchorman. I'm still not completely sold that Anchorman 2 is happening. We've been strung along for so damn long that I refuse to believe this impossible dream will be realized.
• Erwin Wilhelm Müller, physicist, inventor of the field ion microscope, and the first person to ever see an atom. BULLSHIT. Sometimes when I squint my eyes, I see little circle-looking things floating around and there was totally a time when I thought maybe, by some miracle of nature, I had this unique ability to see molecules and atoms. I've done some more thinking on it and while I can't rule out my ability to see molecules with the naked eye, it's probably less than likely. ERWIN WILHELM MÜLLER 1, RIFKIN 0.
• Is it weird that I'm strangely jealous of Captain Erwin here just because he has the badass dots over his 'u'? I would LOVE to inconvenience everyone I know by having them figure out a way to put those dastardly dots in my name. Oh shit, look at this guy: Brandṏn Rifkḯn. What language gets little smiley faces over vowels? SO COOL
• Rake Yohn, CKY crew and Jackass crew member, as well as a synthetic metal chemist. AND HE FUCKING HATES MUSTARD MORE THAN I LOVE OHIO'S WIDESPREAD METH ADDICTION:

Straight from Wikipedia:

He is known for his long hair, love for metal, and strong dislike of mustard.  

And on top of all that, he's a chemist specializing in synthetic materials. I almost feel like I'm getting punked because that's too good to be true.

PS - Which of these is unlike the others?

Love that he's sandwiched betwixt an astronaut and a quantum physicist. I wonder which condiments they hate more than AIDS?

#RAKEYOHN

THE BEST DRINKS IN MADISON

1) Spotted Cow Pitchers at The Terrace

You know what I was depressed to discover over the summer when I visited Madison? They no longer do that 'bring a pitcher back for a dollar' thing. I used to LOVE battling the bums for spare pitchers. You don't really know what kinda person you are until you rip an empty plastic pitcher out of a ghoul's hands.

And yet, despite this egregious change, there's absolutely no way you can top a nice cold pitcher of Spotted Cow on a beautiful day at the Terrace. It is impossible. It's why people go there to get married. It's why no one has ever turned down an invitation to go grab a pitcher instead of going to class. All the superfluous words in the world don't do it justice.

Not only is it delicious, but I think a pitcher of Spotted Cow costs like $8. That's FREE in real life terms. SOMEWHAT RELATED THANKSGIVING TANGENT: It's widely known that my family has gone to the same terrible Thanksgiving meal every year since I can remember. The food is all bland and tasteless, there's ZERO alcohol, and people eventually huddle around a broke-ass old TV for football. It sucked. And inevitably, every year we'd end up going to White Castle on the way home to get our glutton on.

NO MORE. This year we're doing things Rifkin style from home. Skirt steaks, HDTV, and all the Spotted Cow I can drink. I can't even tell you how excited I am. I know NOTHING of getting hammered and full on tasty food. Isn't that ridiculous? I love America way too much to have to deal with that bullshit.

MATCH-UPS TO WATCH

Are you supposed to eat lunch on Thanksgiving? Normally I'd think not, since you don't fill up a tank til you hit 'E'. But what if you're doing Black Wednesday and you wake up with that obnoxious, empty, hungover stomach? Do you fight through and hope dinner is served at 2:30 pm? PROPOSED SOLUTION: Start drinking when you wake up on Thursday. Tides the stomach over until it's grub time, fights off the hangover, and gets you a head start on being the drunkest person at the table later that night. I have no idea if this is common sense. Like I said, I'm still new to the NORMAL Thanksgiving game. I've spent enough years eating soy, organic 'dessert' and dry, kosher turkey that I'm only enrolling in Thanksgiving 101 this year. Gotta walk before you can crawl.

RANDOM MUSIC I'M DIGGING HARD THIS WEEK

Is there such a thing as Thanksgiving Music? OH YES THERE IS

Nicole Westbrook - It's Thanksgiving

21,671 likes, 156,860 dislikes. Genius. Rebecca Black HATES this girl so much. Not even a question. Only thing this video is missing?

Adam Sandler - The Thanksgiving Song

I still think the Hanukkah Song AND Lunch Lady Land are better, but it is neither Hanukkah nor Lunch Lady Time.

THIS WEEK'S GAME IN HAIKU

You should be thankful

That you went to Wisconsin

Could be a lot worse

OSU, Penn State...

Like I said, could be MUCH worse

Ohio loves meth

Drink the drinks you like

Eat as much food as you want

Happy Thanksgiving!

(If this blogging for $0 a year gig doesn't pan out for me, I think I have a future in useless Haiku writing.)

YOUTUBE

THANKSGIVING SEINFELD REFERENCE

This guy thinks his gobbling at turkeys is the funniest thing in the world. I know, it's probably lame to laugh like that at yourself. But you know what? I LOVE geeking out over stupid shit like this. I totally feel where he's coming from. If I were makin' all the turkeys go gobble gobble gobble I'd be crying sweet, sweet tears of joy. Laugh on, my man.

Absolutely nothing to do with Thanksgiving, but it makes me laugh and hopefully it will make you laugh as well.

FOOD PORN

Homemade brisket courtesy of my dad and little brother. LOOK AT THAT SMOKE RING. That's how you know it's real, and it's spectacular.

SKY PORN

I've put this on every branch of social media that I have at my disposal, but I'm using it here again because I still really like it. The forecast for Saturday was calling for HEAVY #skyporn, and Madison did not disappoint. Look at the little moon up there just chillin'!

PREDICTION CITY

Montee Ball will set the record. Curt Phillips will look a little bit better. The defense will play as well as they have. And hopefully we will not shit the bed in special teams. Bounce-back, roll-to-Indy-with-some-momentum game, COMIN' ATCHA. THE PICK:

WISCONSIN 24, PENN STATE 17

Happy Thanksgiving!

ON WISCONSIN