Thursday, November 8, 2012

@ Indiana

Why do I keep hearing that Indiana controls their own destiny to make the Rose Bowl? Don't we control their destiny? Last time I checked, losing to Indiana in football is-

Hold on. Scratch all of that. News just broke that Curt Phillips will be starting at quarterback for Wisconsin this weekend. Here's your up-to-the-minute primer on Curt Phillips:
  • Recruited as a mobile, running QB
  • Has had THREE ACL surgeries
  • As a result, is not as mobile or as good of a runner as he used to be
  • Is not Danny O'Brien
That is literally everything you've ever need to know about him. I find it very difficult to believe that he'll be moving well enough to make up for average at best arm strength and a complete lack of game experience. But then again... he's not DOB. And DOB has looked miserable in just about every game he's played in this year. I'm well aware that the offensive line hasn't done him any favors, but when they break down for Stave, he takes a 2 yard sack. When they break down for DOB, he loses 30 yards. You can't have plays like that and expect to win, let alone keep your job.

And with that, enter: Curt Phillips. I should point out that I sincerely admire that he's battled back from 3 ACL injuries. That's incredibly impressive, and at the very least any questions about his work ethic or desire to play should be answered. But I have a hard time envisioning this team doing anything on the offensive side of the ball if we can't push around the other team's front 7. Can we do that against IU? Jesus Christ I hope so. But with OSU and PSU looming (and a potential B1G Championship Game), a 1-3 finish to the season sounds about right. Depression level: MAXIMUM.

CHICAGO BADGERS: 11 am game. Come up with your list of excuses now, send them to me, and I'll promptly respond with reasons you're wrong. Get up, drink and enjoy the day. If you haven't noticed, the gamedays are disappearing RAPIDLY. We've hit basketball season, and that means time is running out on football. SAVOR THE FLAVOR

SHAMELESS PLUG: Once again, I'm gonna ask to please consider tossing a few bucks to my Movember efforts. I'd love to have a little more there before I try shaking down my company. You can make this a tax write-off, whatever an actual write-off even is. Any amount helps. Thanks.

Onward... to a football game involving Indiana with huge implications for both teams. Never thought that would be possible in our lifetimes. Seriously. Before this season I woulda put a lot of money on the US electing a lesbian president before Indiana sniffing the B1G Championship Game. I am a terrible gambler.




But I do wonder if anyone's ever burn noticed someone by saying Hoosier daddy? That's exceedingly clever. Trademark that shit.

  • Will Shortz, ENIGMATOLOGIST. Holy shit, how is that even possible? How can you major in enigmas? It should go without saying that I conducted a little research:
Graduating from Indiana University in 1974, he is the only person known to hold a college degree in enigmatology, the study of puzzles. Shortz achieved this feat by designing his own curriculum through Indiana University's Individualized Major Program. He also earned a Juris Doctor degree from the University of Virginia School of Law (1977), though he forewent the bar exam and began a career in puzzles instead.
    • You can create your own major? Is this an IU thing? I imagine it played out with him watching the Batman movie with the Riddler while he was stoned, thinking that would be such a cool job, and then actually pulling it off. Ooooooo, I have the timeline all wrong! Of course I do! He graduated in 1974!
Shortz provided the puzzle clues which The Riddler (Jim Carrey) leaves for Batman (Val Kilmer) in the film Batman Forever.
    •  WILL SHORTZ YOU ARE SO FUCKING COOL. Did you know Bill Clinton (presidential bro), Ken Burns (dude gets off on documentaries, has probably had sex with a catcher's mitt), Jon Stewart (anyone who doesn't immediately think of him from Half Baked offends me), Indigo Girls (I always thought they were singing 'close her eye on the vine', apparently not accurate), and Mike Mussina (Mike Mussina) appeared in a documentary about Shortz? I bet Burns was EXTREMELY butt hurt about not being asked to make the documentary himself.
    • Here's a video of Wordy Willy (workshopping that nickname, roll with it) being an expert on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Spoiler: I knew the answer and Wordy Willy didn't. They didn't cover US currency in IU's Enigmatology school, did they Wordy Willy? WONDER WHO WROTE THAT CURRICULUM?
    • According to Wikipedia, Wordy Willy appeared on that episode of The Simpsons where Lisa goes to the crossword tournament and Homer sells her saxophone for beer money. I think those were the same episode; I hope The Simpsons stops trying to prove a point and retires already.
    • Do you remember that HIMYM episode where robots were fighting wrastlers and there was a fancy dinner party where Arianna Huffington and Peter Bogdanovich made appearances? Me neither, since I don't watch that show. But WORDY WILLY remembers because he was in that episode!
    • Lastly, the most important Wordy Willy fact you need to read today:
He says that his favorite crossword of all time is the Election Day crossword of 5 November 1996, designed by Jeremiah Farrell. It had two correct solutions with the same set of clues, one saying that the "Lead story in tomorrow's newspaper (!)" would be "BOB DOLE ELECTED", and the other correct solution saying "CLINTON ELECTED".
    • Sometimes it offends me how smart some smart people are. I tip my hat to you, Wordy Willy.
  • There's nowhere to go but down after talking about Wordy Willy. So here's a collage I made of Wordy Willy. EMBRACE HIS 'STACHE:

  • Jim Cornelison, tenor, Star-Spangled Banner singer at Blackhawks games. I vote that he change his name to Goosebumps McGee.
  • Scott A. Jones, inventor of the voicemail system. What can I say about voicemail that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan? Does ANYONE in the world like leaving a message? Ever ask someone out via a voicemail? Within .2 seconds of hanging up you get that 'wait a second, did I really just do that?' feeling. THERE IS NOTHING FUN ABOUT THAT. How often do you check a voicemail and it's genuinely good news? Never times a year? Voicemails are either from people you don't know (creepy) or people you do know saying 'call me back' (pointless). If I could abolish stuff from existing the list would start with AIDS and then move quickly to voicemail and Ohio.
  • Jared Fogle, that fat guy who loves Subway. I'm gonna answer it since I know it's the first thing everyone wonders about him: $15 million. That's his net worth. If that doesn't make you wanna kill yourself, I don't know what will.
  • Jimmy Wales, creepy Wikipedia co-founder. I suppose he deserves a moment of credit considering I would not be able to do this section without the wonders of Wikipedia. Hell, I've donated to Wikipedia. I use that shit every day. And Wikipedia taught me this:
While in graduate school, he taught at two universities, but left before completing a PhD in order to take a job in finance and later worked as the research director of a Chicago futures and options firm. In 1996, he and two partners founded Bomis, a male-oriented web portal featuring entertainment and adult content. The company would provide the initial funding for the peer-reviewed free encyclopedia Nupedia (2000–2003) and its successor, Wikipedia.
    • Cliff Notes version: Wikipedia was founded with porn money. Something about that makes me very happy.


3) Fishbowls from Wando's

God that bacon looks sexy.

It may not be the best drink in Madison, but one could certainly make the argument that the Fishbowl is the most iconic drink in Madison. It's where people go when they turn 21*. It's what Scott Van Pelt talks about when he's singing UW's praises on his show. Quite simply, it is the quintessential Madison drink.

I know, I know. You might be expecting me to rank the colors, since yeah, I agree, that seems like something I'd do. But I honestly do not have much of a preference when it comes to Fishbowls. Red (obvious) and purple (twice as obvious, such a badass color) are my go-to's, but I'm pretty sure I would fail a blind taste test every single time. Those things are shot with enough booze and I'm usually hammered enough to not care what color my Fishbowl is.

You know what else is weird? It's very, VERY difficult to suck through a cluster of 9 straws at once. I have no idea what science is at play, but every time I get in front of a Fishbowl I'm all 'GIVE ME 14 STRAWS AND LOOK THE FUCK OUT'. After three seconds I'm wheezing for air. Maybe it's like how in middle school they made us breathe through a straw to simulate the wonders of living with emphysema. Or was that a science class on the principles of aerodynamics? IN CONCLUSION: 2-3 straws are probably your best bet; this is also guaranteed to lead to brainfreeze. Chug accordingly.

*Don't need to name names, but a friend of mine poured an entire Fishbowl on his own head on his 21st birthday. Looking back, total power move. Let Wando's know who's gonna run that shit going forward.


4) Beer and Shot at the KK
5) Rumplemintz During Flip Night at State Street Brats
6) One and Done from the Blue Velvet
7) Literally Anything from Monday's
8) Das Boot at Essen Haus
9) I Think It's A Long Island, But Whatever Comes In The Mason Jar at Red Shed
10) Orange Halloween Wop
11) Three Story Beer Bongs On Dayton Street
12) Mountain Creek Power Hour

Honorable Mentions: Birthday Mug at the Nitty Gritty, World's Biggest Mixed Drinks at Quaker Steak & Lube, Old Fashioned at the Old Fashioned


Chicken vs. Pork vs. Beef

If you could eat only one for the rest of your life, which would it be? A quick refresher, in case you're a vegetarian or something weird like that:

  • Tenders
  • Nuggets
  • Wings
  • Fried chicken
  • Pretty much every use for chicken breasts, them titties are important
  • Chicken noodle soup, the flu would most likely engulf the world and everyone would die. Sounds serious.
  • Keep in mind, if you get rid of the chicken, the DQCTB NO LONGER EXISTS. Or it's replaced with tofu tenders. KILL ME NOW
  • Bacon
  • Bacon
  • Pork belly
  • Pork shoulder
  • Bacon
  • Big Star tacos
  • Ham, which doesn't do much for me but I know you people love your jamón
  • That pre-cooked bacon you can eat cold right out of the bag when no one's around to judge you for eating cold bacon right out of the bag, definitely have never done this before but I wouldn't judge you if you have
  • Pig face, which is not allowed to disappear from this world until I get a chance to try it and see what's so fun about eating something's face
  • Pork chops
  • Bacon
  • The thought of living in a world without steak almost just brought me to tears. Physical, real tears
  • Burgers
  • Oh no, there would be no more Kopp's burgers. No more Kuma's. No more Plazaburgers. Shit just got real.
  • Taco Bell Cheesy Gordita Crunches. Could be a deal-breaker. I wouldn't last 2 months in a CGC-less world.
I don't like this game anymore. I have to give up TWO of those for good? This might be a bit of a surprise, but I'm gonna eliminate pork first. As powerful as bacon is, I don't think it can handle the pressure of being pork's top dog. And in the battle of chicken and beef... I'm keeping CHICKEN. It's got my favorite food (tenders), healthy options (grill a chicken? HEALTHY. Grill a burger? NOT SO MUCH), and enough variety to keep things fresh in the protein world. Saying goodbye to steaks and burgers and CGC's would be a devastating pill to swallow, but something's gotta go, and fuck you you're not taking my chicken tenders away from me.

NOTE: Hot dogs were deemed INELIGIBLE because I think they're actually equal parts chicken, beef and pork. Also, I don't know what real pepperoni is made out of, so had to omit that as well. I'm now realizing that a world without beef or pork would make for some seriously difficult decisions in the pizza department. Dimo's would THRIVE.


Lustra - Scotty Doesn't Know

Congratulations, Lustra. Anytime the name 'Scotty' is mentioned, I'll sing this song in my head. That's right, I associate the name 'Scotty' more with Eurotrip than I do with Scottie Pippen. I'm gonna attribute that to the spelling difference so I can still maintain my pride as a Bulls fan.

Fuck it, let's stick with the pop punk garbage.

Sum 41 - Fat Lip

Are these guys Canadian? I think they're Canadian. I always feel obligated to point out Canadian things because I find Canadia very fascinating. They should officially change their name to Canadia.

Simple Plan - I'm Just a Kid

Yeah, add another log to the depression music fire I live with. Damn.

American Hi-Fi - Flavor of the Week

There was a time when I enjoyed these songs. That time is still going on, for the record. #noshame


If we lose this game

Seriously, if we lose...

I'ma kill someone.

(Not the most positive of haiku)


Eliminate from your mind the possibility that this is all fake, because I love this video and everything it stands for. If you've never gone out of your way to help a stranger, there's something wrong with you. By 'something', I mean 'a lot'.

If you've always wanted to see a guy with Tourettes do a karaoke version of 'Lady in Red', then consider today your lucky day. NSFW, language, if you can't figure that out on your own.

That's American Gladiator Malibu with fucking awesome hair talking about his injury. Such a bro. Seriously, look at that hair.



Sausage and red onion (foreground) and four cheese (background) pizza from Coalfire Pizza. Very, very good, and it's always refreshing to try a new non-deep dish joint in Chicago. The oven is firing at 1,000+ degrees, so the pizzas take about 5 minutes to cook. Kinda weird location, but not that far from the Loop and worth trying.


Obviously Sandy was a terrible catastrophe, but if you wanna pull a silver lining out of it, then here you go. This night had legitimately one of the greatest sunsets I've ever seen... but I was stuck on the train for the majority of it. These early sunsets are REALLY cramping my #skyporn style.


I was so good at predictions last year. I am so terrible at predictions this year. And I have a new rule: I'm only predicting Wisconsin to score in multiples of 7, since I assume we're going to miss every field goal we attempt. SAD STATE OF AFFAIRS. THE PICK:



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