BIG TEN TEAR RANKINGS
(In order of my FAVORITE tears to drink)
Maybe it's because their fans are obnoxious (they are). Maybe it's because Tom Crean is the biggest douchebag I can think of (he is!). Maybe it's because the entire state has such arrogance when it comes to the entire sport of basketball (Can't spell 'smug shitheads' without IU!). Whatever it is, a fine glass of Hoosier Tears goes down smoother than any other drink known to man AND OR woman, because of sexism is bad.
You know I wanted to put them at #1. I spent all of Saturday swimming in a pool of Michigan Tears, sipping on a Michigan Tear and Tonic, basking in their misery. At first I hated the 11 am game because I deemed it too early to drink (BLASPHEMY), and once the game was over, it was like 1 pm and I had no idea what to do with myself. But then I realized I had all the time in the world to soberly appreciate the abundance of tears flowing out of Ann Arbor.
I wrote before about how floods were my least feared natural disaster, and the thought of a flood caused by Michigan Tears EXCITES me. I'd want to get swept into it, forced to drink my way out not unlike Landfill in Beerfest. Never mind that he died, that is not important. What is important, however, is that you cherish the days where an entire fanbase of elitist losers is crying their faces off at your expense. Liquid gold.
3. Michigan State
I'd love for Crean and Izzo to fight to the death, and the winner has to go to jail for the rest of his life. Win/win.
PS - One of my all-time favorite pics. Right up there with the disgusting Marquette Gold people.
4. Ohio State
I'm a firm believer that good things happen to good people, and bad things happen to Ohioans. I'm also a believer in the Awfulness : Tear Tastiness ratio. GRAPHICAL FORM:
As you can see, we have Tear Tastiness on the y-axis, Awfulness on the x-axis, and both axes go from 0 - Tom Crean. Because he's the most awful person ever and his tears must taste like fucking rainbows of sadness and frustration.
(Quick notes: Wisconsin gets a 0 in Awfulness but 9.8 Creans in Tear Tastiness because we're obviously the fucking shit, but I'm sure I've run my mouth at IU and Michigan fans enough in the last month that once we have a crippling loss, they'll throw a joint UW Tears party, $5 a cup, kegs full of Bucky tears. Penn State is off the charts in Creans when it comes to Awfulness, but no one really gives a shit about them in hoops.)
I'm ending the Tear Rankings here because that graph took a shocking amount of time and an embarrassing amount of thought, and halfway through I thought about making it have NEGATIVE values, creating quadrants NOT UNLIKE THE HIPSTER HAIR QUADRANTS, but then I realized, 'Hey, what the hell are you doing with your life, you shouldn't be spending this much time making a graph about drinking human tears.'
(Some of you may have been expecting me to gush about the Michigan game for a thousand words. Sorry to disappoint, but what else can be said now that hasn't already been said? It was one of the greatest games I've ever seen. People live their whole lives hoping that their team pulls off a win like that. Brust had some big cojones, it was fucking awesome, and we're in a title hunt now. Insane. Absolutely insane.)
(You should be able to figure out what parts I did after we blew that shit game to Minnesota. This may or may not be one of them.)
BIG TEN FEAR RANKINGS
1. Michigan State, 21-4 (10-2). Previous: 4
Oh, great, Tom Izzo has another team turning invincible as the season goes on. Very happy about this. Totally thrilled. At least we didn't miss a thousand free throws and lose to them at home this year. F.
2. Wisconsin, 17-8 (8-4). Previous: 5
Trying not to get excited. But we end the season with @NW/Nebraska/Purdue/@MSU/@PSU. Winning 4 out of 5 there wouldn't be a stretch at all. And that is why this home game against OSU is so huge.
3. Indiana, 22-3 (10-2). Previous: 3
I was shopping at Trader Joe's Tuesday night and obviously power walked right to the dairy section. The last time I was there, they were SOLD OUT of chocolate milk. Couldn't sleep that night. Fortunately, this time around they were fully stocked with SUPER chocolate milk. I say that because the expiration date on the bottle is a full two weeks down the road. Needless to say, I left with a gallon of sweet, sweet chocolate milk and dreams of a better world where no child goes without the glory of chocolate milk. Or adults. Adults need that shit, too.
4. Illinois, 18-8 (5-7). Previous: 11
Wisconsin beat them rather easily both times. They were 2-7 in Big Ten play. But at the same time, they've beaten a LOT of good teams, and of those 7 conference losses, 5 were at the hands of UW/Minnesota/Michigan/MSU. Not too surprising that a team led by a couple of inconsistent senior guards has been all over the place this year.
5. Michigan, 21-4 (8-4). Previous: 1
Ben Brust. Fuck you, Michigan.
6. Iowa, 15-9 (4-7). Previous: 2
Every since 8th grade, I have taken off from school or work to watch the first Thursday and Friday of the NCAA Tournament. Every year, Pizza Hut has been involved. In college, Rolling Rock was added to the equation. This has been my thing. Last year obviously had the unfortunate incident of ripping my leg open on my couch, but that STILL did not dampen my enthusiasm.
Well, this year, as of right now, I will not be able to get off work for those two days. I'm not coping well. Kinda feel like I'm just aimlessly wandering about in life with no real purpose. .5% of the year, I want nothing but hoops, Za Hut, and the finest beer Latrobe, Pennsylvania has to offer. I don't ask for much. Help me.
7. Ohio State, 18-6 (8-4). Previous: 6
I still think they're overrated. If the UW point guards can just figure out a way to not let Craft scoop his way to 12 points, we should take care of business in the Kohl Center on Sunday.
8. Northwestern, 13-12 (4-8). Previous: 8
Darren Rovell blocked me on Twitter. Is getting blocked on Twitter my NEW thing? Montee, Rovell... where does it end? I liked it a lot better when eating pizza, drinking beer, and watching hoops was my thing. I want that thing back.
PS - Rovell will be at the UW/Northwestern game next week. I will be at the UW/Northwestern game next week. The odds of me confronting him and calling him a pansy aren't very high, but the possibility exists.
PPS - If you don't think half of the reason I'm gonna trek out to Evanston on a Wednesday night is to get some Buff's, then you're out of your mind. I WANT THIS IN AROUND AND NEAR MY FACE:
9. Minnesota, 18-7 (6-6). Previous: 7
It's time to start officially recognizing pepperoni as a deli meat, not just a pizza topping. What happened in the course of its history to make people cast it away for pizzas while salami gets prime treatment on sandwiches? Is it because pepperoni is usually sliced much smaller? Well maybe they started slicing it smaller for easier pizza-topping. Kind of a chicken and the egg scenario, if you will. AND YOU WILL.
Regardless, I made a pepperoni sandwich last night and it was DIVINE. Some of my friends were talking about opening a restaurant of sorts and I IMMEDIATELY pitched my pepperoni sandwich as their signature item. I have not heard back yet. If they pass, I'm opening a food truck that only sells pepperoni sandwiches. One will have mozzarella cheese and marinara sauce, and we'll call it the 'Don't You Fucking Dare Call This a Pizza Sandwich' sandwich. I'll change my name to Tony, and everyone will call me Pepperoni Tony.
PS - The only bad pepperonis are pepperoni nipples. Gross x100.
10. Purdue, 12-13 (5-7). Previous: 9
Big day: Taco Bell announced the arrival date of the Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco. I don't really get why they don't advertise these Dorito shells in CGC's. In fact, why does Taco Bell seem content keeping the CGC as one of its best kept secrets? There should be CGC billboards along highways. You should look up from the bleachers at Wrigley and see a plane toting a CGC banner behind it. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to be the Executive Account Master for the Cheesy Gordita Crunch division at Taco Bell. This is essentially my dream job ever since I found out that there's already a Certified Ranch Expert out there. Fuck you Derek Gordon, I don't forget. I NEVER forget.
11. Nebraska, 12-13 (3-9). Previous: 10
Save this one for #BusinessIdeaFriday: Doritos 3D empanada from Taco Bell. Can you imagine a 3D nacho cheese Dorito filled with your choice of meat, cheese, maybe some rice, and some Baja sauce? MOUTHGASM. I have just been promoted from Executive Account Master for the CGC division to Permanent CEO of Taco Bell. My rise to the top was swift and delicious.
RANDOM MUSIC THAT I'M DIGGING HARD THIS WEEK - 90'S EDITION
Cherry Poppin' Daddies - Zoot Suit Riot
How the hell did this song become famous in the 90's? Also, if you think of anything other than this when you hear a swing song, you didn't have a real childhood and I worry about you.
PS - Good lord, Cameron Diaz, what a fucking smokeshow back in the day. Not that she's unattractive now, but holy shit.
PPS - Peter Greene, ULTIMATE HEEL. Zed in Pulp Fiction, Dorian in The Mask, Deacon in Blue Streak... that's one spectacular run of evil. I HAVE to assume he's a conniving trickster in real life.
Weird Al Yankovic - Amish Paradise
I'm looking at this 90's playlist on Spotify - big fan of them giving Weird Al some props. I know what you're thinking, and the answer is $10 million. That's Weird Al's net worth. Speaking of net worth, shouldn't this information be readily available on Wikipedia? You know how most celebs and important people have those boxes on the right side with vital info? Here's Weird Al's:
There's not a single reason 'Net Worth' isn't included in there. Figure it out, Wikipedia. I didn't give you $10 to just sit around on your ass making everyone else do all the work for you.
Jimmy Ray - Are You Jimmy Ray?
How was this an actual song? TRUE STORY: In middle school, we used to torment a kid named Jimmy Saric by singing this at him during recess. I believe he had a hearing problem as well. Middle schoolers are such PRICKS.
Blackstreet, Dr. Dre - No Diggity
BURN THIS SONG WITH FIRE AND NEVER PLAY IT AGAIN
Rednex - Cotton Eye Joe
NO ONE LIKES THIS SONG. I'm 100% serious right now: if you like this song, please contact me so I can conduct a full interview with you to try and figure out what makes your brain tick the way it does. Because that ain't right. This song has been force-fed to children at sporting events, bar mitzvahs, and birthday parties for way too long. It's fucking AWFUL.
A while back, I remember MTV (REAL MTV) did a whole process to determine the worst music video ever. Eventually they settled on Rico Suave, and they BURNED the tape and vowed to never play it again. I think they've held up their end of the bargain. The question is: how can we do this with Cotton Eye Joe? Except not just on MTV, but everywhere? Obama should fine every person that plays this song $100. I know ROMNEY wouldn't stand pat as the youth of our nation is destroyed one obnoxious IFIHADN'TBEEN ACOTTONEYEJOE at a time. Step up or step down, Obama.
THIS WEEK'S GAMES IN HAIKU
Damn you Aaron Craft
We'd be so damn good with you
Rosy cheeks for life
Oh, Darren Rovell
King of the Nerds, I hope you
Trip and break your teeth
Russian breathalyzer test.
So, we just lost to Minnesota. I'm very frustrated. I'm not even watching these videos anymore.
Literally not even watching. This is about a weird cat hunting or something. Kill me.
HOMEMADE CHOCO TACO FROM BIG STAR. That's insane. The other night they did a fixed menu/matching beers dinner event. WHY WAS I NOT INVITED? Anyway, according to the menu, this bad boy features a chocolate-dipped masa shell, horchata ice cream, and whipped cream. Fucking genius.
And of course they made their own version of the CGC - double decker taco, ground beef, chipotle, crema, and queso chihuahua (paired with and icy cold Bohemia beer). That could not sound more delicious. I might have to put up at least one Big Star pic here every week until I get back there and do some work.
Sunset in Canada. Until the sun starts setting at a more reasonable time in Chicago, I'm forced to scour Instagram for other people's #skyporn. I'm not happy about this. But there's not much I can do. Also, I bet you can get some truly MAJESTIC #skyporn in Canada. One of their strengths.
PS - If a moose fought 4 deer in a cage match, who would win? I think you gotta roll with the moose. Moose do not spend much time fucking around.
PPS - The plural of 'moose' should be either 'meese' or 'moosemonsters'.
Feelin' pretty good about UW basketball right now. There are still a few too many boneheaded plays mixed in, but overall the defense has been fantastic, and the shots are kinda sorta starting to fall. Last time we faced OSU, Evans was all over Thomas. And yet, Thomas still went off - hitting off-balance shots, step-backs, working on the block, hitting jumpers, you name it. That's the factor you can't control - Bo will not call for double teams, so Evans is gonna have to step it up again. I like to think Thomas can't hit ALL those shots a second time. Let's beat these scumbags. THE PICK:
WISCONSIN 67, OHIO STATE 60
Very excited to get my first look at Dekker in person in Evanston next Wednesday. And here's a prediction for you: Dekker will crack the 20 point mark for the first time in his young career. A combination of them not being very overbearing from a strength perspective and having a zone inviting us to shoot through should lead to Dekker playing almost 30 minutes and draining 4 threes, all while sending me into a daze of delirious happiness. Can't wait. CAN'T WAIT. THE PICK:
WISCONSIN 69, NORTHWESTERN 57
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