Thursday, February 21, 2013



11:50 AM: If you live in Chicago, NEVER bank on finding a cab on Fullerton. I don't know if it's because of the lack of bars or whatever, but it is the WORST busy street to grab a cab on.

12:15 PM: Walk into Redmond's and see that we're tied at 6. Spend the next 20 minutes trying to get beers because even though they were hosting a shuttle for the hockey game, Redmond's management decided to go with one bartender and one waitress. GENIUS

12:30 PM: Badgers immediately go on a 22-0 run after we walked into the bar. Credit? OURS.

12:45 PM: Dekker has already made a tough lefty layup and drilled a couple of threes, causing me to smile with the joy of a proud father. He's good.

1:00 PM: Up 17 at the half and you know what that means: "Boy, I tell ya Bill, being down 17 against Wisconsin is like being down 30 against anyone else!" I actually do not mind when announcers mention this, since it is awesome.

1:05 PM: #HALFTIMEDIMOS. I went with the chicken penne alfredo (all-time favorite) and mashed potato chicken. Elite selection was available. I've never resisted a slice with mashed potatoes on it - it's way too good to pass on.

1:06 PM: Mouth burnage? MINIMAL

1:15 PM: Anticipating being cold and not-that-drunk at the hockey game, we decide to mix a little treat for the road: RUMPLEYERRY. Pay attention, because this recipe is very precise and has many moving parts:
  • Get a bunch of Rumplemintz
  • Get a bunch of Sailor Jerry
  • Pour them into a flask
  • Regret everything
1:25 PM: Jackson nails a jumper and starts screaming 'who says I can't fucking shoot!?' at the OSU bench. I'm just glad he's not bitter about OSU's lack of interest in recruiting him.

1:35 PM: Frustrated with the play of his starters, Matta brings in Amedeo Della Valle, which is a badass Italian name, but WOOF:

2:00 PM: FINAL: Wisconsin 71, OSU 49. Don't underestimate how much more impressive that looks than giving up 50+ points.

2:15 PM: Shifting into hockey mode, we board a school bus full of hockey fans. Now, I was a season ticket holder at one point in my life. But let me refresh one thing that you need to understand if you've never witnessed it firsthand:

2:30 PM: They may be nerdy, but they embrace the 'BEER HERE!' call as much as anyone. I fit right in. Oh well.

3:15 PM: Pretty sure we got lost, because we ended up going into the United Club. Some usher was yelling, 'Wait! You have to scan your tickets!' We did not wait. View from the seats:

4:15 PM: I decide to leave my group and venture to the upper corner of the stadium to take some #skyporn pics:

While this was genius, my phone died and I was very far away from everyone I knew. Also, once the sun went down, it was like wandering about aimlessly north of The Wall. Terrifying. Cold.

5:00 PM: By some miracle, I find another group of friends and watch the end of the game as UW tries everything it can to let Minnesota come level.

7:00 PM: Finally make it home with a bag full of Devil Dawgs, 2 Wisconsin victories, and a bucket of dread about going to work on Monday.





1. Indiana, 24-3 (12-2). Previous: 3
Usually I'm all for IU losing and then making sweet, sweet love to their depression via social media. But at the same time, everyone's just on their dick now, and guess what? I remember a brisk night in mid-January where a certain basketball team hailing from Madison, Wisconsin went into the famed Assembly Hall and beat those guys. Makin' us look better the more they win. Thanks Crean! Eat shit!

2. Michigan State, 22-5 (11-3). Previous: 1
Izzo and his goon squad lost a big game at home Tuesday night against IU. And then this happened:

Let's talk about burning couches for a second, because I have some questions. We'll start with the obvious: where do you get the couch from? I'm going to assume no one is volunteering their leather sectional from their living room. I'm also going to assume burning leather makes PETA members want to hang themselves. So do you have to go alley shopping for old, crappy couches? What's the thought process? "Man, I'm so MAD we just lost that basketball game! Hey dude, you wanna go fight through homeless guys in an alley and try to find a couch to set on fucking FIRE?" I can't even begin to understand how drunk I would have to be to think that finding a couch and burning it with FIRE would be a nice stress reliever.

What do you do after you light the fire? Take a few pics, drop one on Instagram, and then bolt? I like to think that the firefighters are not thrilled about putting on their long underwear in the middle of the night to extinguish a shithead-induced couch fire. I don't know what law it violates (NO PUBLIC COUCH BURNING, perhaps), but I'm sure they'd find some way to fine you and/or kick your ass for being an idiot and making them get their long underwear out in the middle of the night. For some reason, I'm convinced all firefighters have to wear long underwear under their uniforms. 

CONCLUSION: We pretend the state of Michigan is a couch and burn it like we just lost a regular season basketball game, because that's not an overreaction at all. Nope. Not one bit.

3. Wisconsin, 19-8 (10-4). Previous: 2
As a grammar whore, this worked for me so hard:

But seriously, who the fuck has time to go around killing Badger fans? Ohio methheads confusing them for actual badgers is my guess.

4. Illinois, 19-8 (6-7). Previous: 4
You have to fear them because there's no way of knowing what this team is capable of. The asshole in your pool that puts them in the Final Four might just end up walking away with your money. F that girl. It's 100% gonna be a girl. Prepare yourself now.

5. Michigan, 22-4 (9-4). Previous: 5
THREAT LEVEL MIDNIGHT PURPLE AWKWARD ALERT: this squirrely little guy from work was the first person to get married in Cook County this year. Romantic little tale. Now, do yourself a favor and watch the accompanying ABC News video. Remind you of anything?

PS - I've watched that kiss (the real one, not the TLC one) no fewer than 19 times and have cringelaughed every time. It's amazing. If I get in trouble here for posting it I will have zero problem with that. Totally worth it.

6. Iowa, 17-9 (6-7). Previous: 6
Was there anything worse than getting the squeaker desk in class? You know what I'm talking about: there's always that one wooden desk that makes an obnoxious little squeaking noise every time you shifted your weight. It's the WORST. It gets to a point where you'd rather deal with both your legs falling asleep than shift and risk people hating you for gettin' your squeak on. RELATED: I was in the training room at work yesterday and my friend had the squeaky keyboard. It was brutal. At first I was all, 'Nah, her keyboard ain't squeakin'!' But it was! So I turned around real slow-like and just kinda stared at her with a, 'Yo, squeakers get stitches' look. At this point the instructor asked me what was up and I just told him straight up, 'Hey man, Jamie's got the squeaky keyboard, shit's WHACK'. I didn't actually say that shit was whack, but it was implied.

PS - Between 'squirrely' and 'squeaking', I've had my fill on typing words with fucking Q's hanging out in them. Q is the most needy, desperate letter around. I bet U has tried leaving Q SO many times, and Q just refuses to move on. I fucking hate Q.

7. Ohio State, 19-7 (9-5). Previous: 7
When Apple released the iPhone 5, they simultaneously dropped a new operating system (iOS 6 I believe). CONSPIRACY THEORY TIME: they definitely putzed with the iPod shuffle algorithm in this update. I'm like mothertrucking Rain Man now - I can totally sense what songs are coming next. There's nothing random about it. Also, I'll pause a song on my way in to work, and then if I double-tap and hit 'play' later that day, it will start with a song like 4 songs back in my shuffle. I have no idea what Apple's motive was here, but everyone needs to feel safe knowing that I'm onto it and I'm not gonna let this fly.

8. Nebraska, 12-14 (3-10). Previous: 11
Asked my 14 year old brother what he could tell me about the state of Nebraska:

it hosts march madness, produces corn, and is a red neck state why

14 years old and has Nebraska down to a T. One proud big brother over here right now.

9. Purdue, 12-14 (5-8). Previous: 10
The only difference between awkward, haircut small talk and cramped break room, waiting-for-the-microwave-at-work small talk is that at least the woman cutting my hair will give me an orgasmic scalp massage. Otherwise, they're both pretty much the same and no one likes them.

10. Minnesota, 18-9 (6-8). Previous: 9
Last year it was losing a shit game to Iowa that cost us a share of a Big Ten title. Congratulations, 2012-2013 Minnesota Golden Gophers: you're 2011-2012 Iowa.

11. Northwestern, 12-14 (4-10). Previous: 8
I went to Evanston for the UW/Northwestern game Wednesday night. Right off the bat, my friend and I found Rovell. So I walked up to him, said, 'Hey, you're Darren Rovell, right?' He got real excited that someone recognized him and he shakes my hand all chummy. I played right into it and asked if he minded taking a picture. 'Sure thing!' he squealed as he put his arm around my neck. Naturally, I handed him my phone and had him take a pic of my friend and I. He handed me my phone and nerdwalked away. I don't care what you think: telling him he was a loser or taking a pic with me flicking him off would be pretty lame. I also don't care if no one believes that this actually happened. He was so excited to have a 'fan' come up and want to take a picture with him, and the look on his face when he realized he would be taking the pic and not be in it was worth him being a loser and blocking me on Twitter.

Oh yeah, this sums up Northwestern basketball better than any words I could toss out there:

They don't even keep a light on the banner!

PS - NIT being an acronym for 'Not In Tournament' is one of those things that is so perfect, it makes you think if it actually were done intentionally.


Bush - Glycerine

You wanna know what separates really talented musicians from the amateurs? It's the ability to take one of the most basic 4 chord riffs you could possibly stumble across, and turn it into a hit song. In my mind, that's it. Green Day does it ALL THE TIME. 90% of their songs are like 3 stupid chords that a kid who's played guitar for 3 months could play. But to be able to turn those simple progressions into actual hits? That's what makes you elite. Forever fascinated by this.

Cursive - The Recluse

This is literally why I'm an idiot. I REALLY enjoy this song, but I REFUSE to listen to anything else by them. I've probably explained this before. I have no idea why I do it. I just know that I'm almost 100% for sure depriving myself of a lot of good music by not giving bands a shot when I already enjoy one of their songs.

Gin Blossoms - Found Out About You

If you accused me of dipping back into the 90's playlist from last week, you would be SPOT ON.

Matthew Good Band - Load Me Up

You might not remember (OK, you definitely don't remember), but a while back I wrote about how I've always had a few songs in my iTunes library with defects. Random skips, ending early, repeating parts... maybe 10 songs that fall under this busted umbrella. Well, 'Load Me Up' was one of those songs (it had a HARD skip early in the song). Listening to it on Spotify is the first time I've ever heard the correct, full version of the song. Kinda disappointed. That little skip was a part of the song in my head. I'm all thrown off now. 15 year old Brandon loved that skip.

PS - My friend sent me this song and one other at the same time, and I will FOREVER associate them with each other. Boom. If I were in a band (I SHOULD BE), that would be my intro song. Do all bands have intro songs? The last two times I saw The Darkness, they came out to this song and I found it highly enjoyable.


QUICK! Name me three things

Unique about Nebraska

But no corn facts. GO


No, I did not google 'how to curl hair'. But after watching this, I might have to, because this apparently is not the correct method.

PS - Is she nose-deaf? Or does it always smell like you're burning hair when you use a curler? She should try being Jewish. All curls, no fuss. Other than having a Jewish mother. They can be quite fussy. Hi mom!

No idea which branch of the United Kingdom this takes place in, but I think it's amazing. Yes, I know this has been around for a while, and I've seen it before. But this highlight tape is perfect. Also:

Nailed it.

I do not care that this is just a Qualcomm commercial. It's clever and I'm gonna go on pretending it's real.


Double order of XXX habanero wings and cheese fries from Buff Joe's. I've featured them before, but it's one of my rules that whenever I go to Buff's, I must use them in the next BP I write. Take solace in knowing that I finished it all, had 2 beers, and felt like absolute death.

BTW, you can follow me on Instagram right HERE. I'm good at it, I promise.


I suppose this is actually #cityporn, but it still counts. Took this from the very last row in the upper deck at Soldier Field during the hockey game. That whole area down by the museum campus has probably the best views of the city you can find.


No reason to get cute here. Shitty team at home when we're playing well? THE PICK:



No comments:

Post a Comment